Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Wherever You Will Go ❯ Lone Reflections ( Chapter 5 )

In the lonesomeness of the hills, dawn began to settle in, and as the sun began to rise, and attempted vainly to penetrate the dusty near-black window, the small house as well began to look even more alone; solitary and watchful on its own small crest of a hill. Not even a single bird was awake yet: no singsong calls rising on the wind into the crisp morning air. All was still and silent, not a sign of life, no sign of anything but the peace that had been broken so rudely the night before in howls of fitted rage. Everything sounded; or didn't of peace and tranquillity, and this was how Heero Yuy woke up.

…That is of course, until the events of the previous night flooded into his mind, and he sat up scowling, though his eyes were still half closed from both his sleep, and the precious tears of the evening. As he eventually progressed to awaken further, he pushed himself off the couch and attempted to work out the tension in his muscles, all the while watching the dust stir haphazardly in the orange-golden chill of the fresh morning air; watching the stirring reflect his thoughts.

Baka, he couldn't help but think to himself; reprimand himself. He still isn't back…you should have gone after him. He could be hurt…he could be…"No."

More than a little angered at himself, Heero ran an oddly shaky hand through his dark, spiky hair, which, if possible, had grown even more tattered over night. His restless sleep forgotten; usual and casual awareness fully returned, he took in the remainder of the room in an effort to distract his already turbulent and uncontrolled thoughts. He looked over the window; it reminded him too much of Duo leaving. The door; stupid. Baka. The table; he'd felt like throwing that. Nothing worked. Everything was Duo, everything reminded him of Duo; of what he'd said to him; how he'd insulted him. Thinking back, Heero couldn't think of anything he wouldn't give to take things back; what he had said back. But even though he thought this thought with complete obviousness, he still tried to remind and reassure himself that this wasn't all his fault. When he'd spoken to Duo, he'd made himself a point, hadn't he?

Doubting himself, Heero scowled. Yeah, really good point, baka! Following this, his scowl deepened in bitterness, and he shook his head.

Out of nowhere; or more correctly, the further recesses of himself, another voice interluded: But it wasn't my fault…was it?… This was followed by the ultimate attempting reassurance that it indeed, wasn't. Ignoring it, his inner voice; the one of his own thoughts carried on…

…I didn't stop him, did I? He could have been hurt, or worse! But maybe-

…But that's your problem, Yuy. When someone close to you is in danger you always try to-

…Whatever. Could that be true? Could he seriously?…Repetitive now, his futile attempt at self reassurance was all a faint chant ongoing in his head, and upon his further condescending indecision and confusion, Heero found himself in the beginnings of a carpet-wearing pace. He was even reluctant to reveal his thoughts to himself? He guessed they were simply moving too far and too fast for him to comprehend. When had all this come along? All he had found himself saying for the past few moments was 'why'. And so, over and again, time and again he reconsidered his unwise plight against Duo's actions, and reflected on the consequences it had had…will have.

When he thought about it, they'd never been more than acquaintances; vague one sided conversations on behalf of Duo; himself holding up the simple and occasional acknowledgements that were all that was needed to keep the American pilot satisfied; if not happy. Not anymore, he couldn't help but think. And despite all his misgivings and reprimands to Duo on behalf of himself; always berating Deathscythe's pilot on his laziness and constant prattle, he had never really done anything to him, except for the odd hint to tell him to shut up.

Odd hint? His disobeying and deceiving mind contradicted. You throw yourself in his face and threaten his tongue; his life if he doesn't be quiet and do what you ask. It was probably right, what it said. Looking back, he didn't think he could ever remember saying anything nice to the American pilot.

…'Tis true, Yuy. Another voice interceded. You're very lucky he still even listens to you…

…let alone still does what you say!

Two voices? Since when had there been two? He was certainly feeling the beginnings of what would be a very painful headache coming on; so despite his laws and needs for self-strength and power, he found himself walking over to the small cupboard and flicking out a small box of asprin. Calculating doses, he popped two of the small white pills into the palm of his calloused hand before reconsidering, and smirking wryly. Another tablet was soon next to the others in his hand. Two for Duo, one for me. Under any other normal circumstance, he knew he'd never take medication unless really necessary; as would or wouldn't Duo. But this was different; this was necessary. Downing the water to wash it down, Heero felt the refreshing coolness of the soothing liquid trickle down his throat, before the turmoil of his inner thoughts burst back up to the surface, commanding attention.

…You know you do…

…No.

…You know…

…Yeah.

He was going crazy. There was no other explanation for it. His thoughts and usually dormant emotions were running off without him, seemingly developing opinions of their own; developing thoughts and questions in his mind where they weren't welcome. Where he knew he wasn't welcome, but then again, he never really had been. He couldn't be.

…Like? The word washed into his mind, startling him. He'd never associated it with a feeling before. When he thought about it, he'd never really liked much about his life at all. But, could this be…

"No way."

…Don't deny it Yuy. He'd tried…tried to get them to stop and listen to him. They should have been listening to him. But no matter how he tried, nothing worked. They didn't stop.

…But it's not just like now, is it? This was soon followed by, 'You cannot fool yourself, Heero', And despite the fact that only moments ago he'd swallowed the satisfaction of the small pain relief; he knew they'd never work. The headache was growing. It wasn't physical…it was all inside his head. All because of Duo. All for Duo. But now …?

…all for nothing.

Shaking his head, he tried to clear the firm cobwebs of confusion from his startled mind. He couldn't like Duo, could he? …Could he? But of this, just like everything else that he'd thought about and considered this morning failed, and he found himself caught in yet another rut of indecision. Not a good start to the day, he'd decided. He could just imagine what Duo would say if he caught him floundering like this, with his own thoughts.

"Duo? No, not again. How could I, …could he? He doesn't even know me…" The Japanese pilot found his voice trailing off, and he found himself in the beginnings of a reflecting daze, and looking back on small things, trinkets and events, he made a startling realisation. Duo did know him. Not the self destructive outer mask he always wore; the real him. In contrast to this, Heero felt himself remembering the times that he'd been almost caught off guard by the hyperactive pilot, when a stray comment to the other three pilots hadn't seemed so odd to him despite the casualness of his remarks. He remembered the times that he'd done something; said something that Duo would understand. Times Duo would comment on what he was thinking; like he knew his very inner thoughts. The times Duo's own amethyst and crystalline depths would bore into his own with understanding and some other unrelenting emotion; be it trust. Be it faith. Be it anything but hate.

"…Hate," Heero whispered acidly, the sharp tones hissing off his tongue in remembrance of the night before. Reminded of a moral and some common virtue of Duo's, he glowered at nothing in particular, the emotional chaos pounded in time with his now violent headache. I run, I hide, but I never lie. No, Duo. Please don't let this be the truth. Let it be a lie; your only.

"No." The Japanese pilot found his scowl flickering and changing into a wince. When had he become so weak? So emotional. So…strange. Unsatisfied by his so-called conclusional train of thought, he rubbed his hands over his eyes wearily despite the time of day. Looking out the window, he squinted, the morning suns low angle breaking vividly into the room now despite the grime and filth that littered the only transparent thing adjoined to the walls.

From what he could see and hear from unmoving peace of the countryside, nothing had changed except the population; he was alone, and it reflected on himself. What he wouldn't give to be with Duo; with anyone. For some reason, being solitary and lonesome just did not appeal to him right now at all. Strangely he craved the company of anyone; another human. He didn't feel like dealing with this alone, and again he berated himself. He'd always been able to deal with things alone. Always been able to feel; or not; alone. He'd always been independent. Always been himself, always been that way. He was changing; and he could feel it; he only hoped it was for the better. Hoped it wouldn't screw him up too much.

Thinking this, he realised there was something he had to do. Something that depended on everything being right. Picking up his jacket that had been slung across the room carelessly the night previous, he pulled it on. Normally he wouldn't care. Normally he wouldn't get cold; but today his jacket was his reassurance; the cold of the fresh morning air didn't tempt him; nor did it wake him as usual, but only deterred him. Standing swiftly and walking briskly to open the door, he exited the room with more of a bold finality than he felt; which also felt strange and uncommonly unusual. These overwhelming feelings seemed to override his senses; his reasoning, which he now felt he lacked. Quickly, before he could doubt himself again, he headed for the intensity of the tree cover not far off; running with long and fleeting strides over the bright, long green grass which sparkled with the remains of morning dew. As a side thought, Heero calculated; it couldn't be more than seven in the morning. Perhaps he still had time before something other than their very own thoughts drew and tore a rift so large between them; one that couldn't be healed.

Finally sure of the first thing of the day, and with all possibility the last, Heero leapt into his Gundam before seating himself down. Suiting up and focussing on his various screens and monitors, he launched his suit into the air. A small grin played on his face despite his situation. He would see Duo soon, and when he told him…if he told him and explained…still had the courage; he could just imagine the look on his face.

No matter what, he had to find Duo.

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Author's Notes: Okay! Here's another chapter up…and a mighty lame one. Its all Heero/Duo contemplation, and it's really disjointed and makes little sense. Sorry if you guys hate it, but it still had to be written in, and since I know like nothing about Heero and only a little more about Duo…its most likely to be SERIOUSLY OUT OF CHARACTER. Sorry if that's so…and that's why I'm regretting writing this chapter. Its quite a bit to write about someone/something you don't know about, so if you guys out there have any corrections, I'd appreciate your help. Thanks for reading if you do, and make sure you all READ AND REVIEW…I love hearing what you all think: good or bad, so write your opinions!

Hope you like, but I doubt you will…am promising more interesting stuff in the next few chapters, so if ya want; bear with me!

Cheers…

Skaara!