Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Whose Line Is It, Anyway? - Gundam Guys ❯ Chapter 1
[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]
By: Nate Grey 
The Gundam pilots go on the improv show! See them stumble through Party Quirks, 3-Headed Broadway Singer, Scenes from a Hat, and more!
Anime/Manga: Gundam Wing Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Comedy | Type: Other | Uploaded On: 08.30.2001 | Pages: 8 | Words: 3.8K | Visits: 888 | Status: Completed
The Gundam pilots go on the improv show! See them stumble through Party Quirks, 3-Headed Broadway Singer, Scenes from a Hat, and more!
Anime/Manga: Gundam Wing Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Comedy | Type: Other | Uploaded On: 08.30.2001 | Pages: 8 | Words: 3.8K | Visits: 888 | Status: Completed
Whose Line Is It, Anyway: Starring the Gundam Pilots!
Okay, I was inspired by Ash The Wanderer's DBZ style thingee, so I thought I'd try my hand with the Gundam guys. Be very afraid...
Voice: Welcome to "Whose Line Is It, Anyway?"! And now, here's your host, Treize Kushranada!
[The camera pans over to reveal Mariemeia (remember the cute little crazy kid from "Endless Waltz"?) sitting in the host's chair.]
Mariemeia: Good evening, everyone! My Daddy couldn't be here, since he's kinda dead. In his absence, I've decided to take over this show. So, say hi to our stars!
[A large group of armed troops with "M"s on their caps force the Gundam pilots onstage.]
Mariemeia: Hi, guys! Welcome to the show!
Heero: (glaring) You will die for this.
Mariemeia: Take a seat, Monotone Man.
[The audience laughs as the troops force the Gundam pilots into chairs]
Mariemeia: Okay! Let's get started! These guys don't need intros, but they're getting them, anyway! First, the guy with the pullover hair everyone wishes they could have, Trowa Barton!
[Trowa stands and receives cheers, but one of the troops pushes him back down quickly.]
Mariemeia: Next, the guy who hates women, and as a result, will be SEVERELY punished on this show, Chang Wufei!
[Wufei stands, looking very uncomfortable, and gets booed by all the women. The female solider behind him smacks the back of his head and forces him back into his chair.]
Mariemeia: Third, the most beautiful guy I've ever laid eyes on, Duo Maxwell! (swoons)
[Duo stands and every female screams his name, starting up a chant. Duo grins and blows a kiss at Mariemeia, who sighs happily and waves at him. After a few minutes, Duo sits, smiling.]
Mariemeia: (whispering) Call me! (aloud) Next, the original Gundam guy, and permanent thorn in my side, Heero Yuy!
[Heero stands, getting the largest amount of cheers, and then sits.]
Mariemeia: And now, the Quintessential Cutie, (screams) QUATRE!!!
[All the girls scream as Quatre stands and waves shyly, then sits.]
Mariemeia: (clears her throat) Now, it's time for our first game, "Let's Make A Date!" The first four guys will be the bachelors, and Quatre, you'll be the one that asks the questions! Go!
Quatre: Bachelor #1, where would you take me on a date?
Wufei: (HAS A SICK FASCINATION WITH FARM ANIMALS) (flatly) The barn.
Quatre: ...Bachelor #2?
Heero: (A SHEEPDOG WITH BAD FLEAS) Well, we could...(pauses to scratch)...go to the movies and AH! (scratches harder) AH! AAAAAH! (rolls around on the floor, scratching madly)
[Wufei stares giddily at Heero.]
Quatre: Bachelor #3?
Trowa: (A GUNDAM SPINNING OUT OF CONTROL) Maybe the park, or even AAAH! LOOK OUT BELOW! (goes charging into the audience and throws himself at a delighted female, who squeals and hugs him) KABOOM! CRASH! BAM!
Quatre: ...Bachelor #4?
Duo: (A REALLY HUNGRY FLEA) Well, we'd have dinner...(stares at Heero, licking his lips)...and then...I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! (dives on Heero and begins trying to bite him)
[Wufei dives on Heero's back and begins humping him desperately.]
Quatre: Um...Trowa was a crashing Gundam, Wufei was horny, Duo was a vampire, and Heero was a dog with fleas.
BUZZ!
Mariemeia: Oh, so close! Wufei had sick fascination with animals, and Duo was a hungry flea! Normally, you'd get points, but they're pointless, and I'm just gonna pick Quatre or Duo at the end, anyway. Up next is "Weird Newscasters!" Heero and Duo will be the anchormen, Trowa's got sports, Wufei's got weather, and Quatre will be the news station mascot. Go!
Heero: (TRYING TO RESIST THE VOICES IN HIS HEAD) Good evening, and welcome to the Channel 5 News. I'm Jock Strap. (blinks) NO, shut up! (clears his throat) In our top story, a school bus full of children exploded, and I DID IT! (shudders) Stop doing that! (calms himself) For more details, we go to my fellow anchor, Al Coholic. (blinks rapidly) No, Al's my friend! SHUT UP!
Duo: (IS HAPPY ABOUT EVERYTHING) Uh...thanks, Jock! (grins) That's right, all those poor kids were just SPLATTERED all over the highway! Isn't that something?! All the little bodies with their happy face stickers were reduced to bloody stains with crushed lunch boxes! (giggles) Here's Gotta Takeapiss with sports!
Trowa: (GETTING A TATTOO WITH NO PAINKILLERS) (sweating) Heh heh. Thanks, Al. In sports new, there was AH! ...a number of injuries on the football OH MAN, IT HURTS!!! (pants) ..field! NO! MOMMY, MAKE IT STOP! (faints)
Duo: Thanks, Gotta. Nice tattoo! Now we go to Still A. Virgin with the weather! Take it, Still!
Wufei: (WITNESSING A DRIVE-BY) Thanks, Al! I'm here in the suburbs for no real reason at all, looking very stupid and very vulnerable! We've been experiencing a few warm fronts this past week, and... (squints) Say, that car's been there for quite some time. Harry, can you see what they're doing? Okay, Harry's gonna---GOOD LORD! THEY SHOT HARRY! EVERYBODY RUN! (tries to run) No! NOOO-ACK! (gets hit and falls) No! Please! AAAAAAH! (shakes uncontrollably, as if getting shot over and over again, then lies still with his tongue hanging out)
Duo: Wow! Isn't that special?! Now, a word from our cute lil' mascot, Sexual Harassment Hippo!
[Quatre dances in.]
Quatre: (singing) Who's on your side, always aware of danger? Sexual Harassment Hip-po!
Who will never get touched by a stranger? Sexual Harassment Hip-po!
[Heero suddenly screams and dives on Duo, trying to stab him.]
Quatre: HEY! That's sexual harassment, and he doesn't have to take it anymore! (pauses) Hey, there's that car from before... Wait...THEY'VE GOT GUNS! RUN!!! (turns to run) NO! AAAAARRRRGGGH! (shakes as if getting shot, then collapses)
BUZZ!
Mariemeia: Great job, guys! Next up is "Duet!" This is for Quatre and Duo. Normally, you'd sing to an audience member, but instead, you're going to serenade me! (giggles) And remember, gestures are allowed. Go!
[Duo & Quatre run over to the host's chair as the music to Dru Hill's "Beauty" starts up.]
Duo: I've got a secret affair, and it really just blows my mind!
Quatre: Just gotta touch that thigh, cuz-
Duo: DAMN!
Quatre: (blushing) -this girl is fine! I hope that you will be mine...
Duo: Before I gotta hurt someone!
Quatre: And once your body is in my bed...
Duo: I swear we'll have tons of fun!
[Mariemeia blushes.]
Quatre: Hugging her every day...
Duo: (making suggestive thrusting motions with his hips) And giving it to her every night! Girl done stole my heart!
Quatre: (blushing even more) ...and Mariemeia is her name! Hoping you will be mine...
Duo: Before I gotta tear somebody apart!
Quatre: And once your body is mine...
Duo: I swear we will never be apart!
[Mariemeia squeals and throws herself into Duo's arms, kissing his face all over.]
Quatre: I guess that means we're done...
Duo: Man, that sure was fun!
Mariemeia: (breathless) Go to a commercial! (tries to shove her tongue down Duo's throat, and he isn't exactly resisting...)
Commercial: Don't forget to vote for your favorite Powerpuff Girl in the Powerpuff Popularity Contest! My money's on Bubbles! (As if there was EVER any question...)
[When the show returns, Mariemeia has composed herself, but is still glancing hungrily at Duo.]
Mariemeia: Welcome back! Our next game is "Scenes from a Hat!" The audience members have written down some suggestions, and these guys have to come up with some replies. This is for everyone. Here we go! Ads for Next Episodes We'll Never See!
Heero: Next time on DBZ: Goku goes on a diet! Chi-chi DOESN'T make Gohan study! The major fight scene only lasts half an episode instead of three weeks! The bad guy WINS! Nobody scowls... INCLUDING PICCOLO AND VEGETA!
Duo: (in Gene's voice) Next time on Outlaw Star: Harry bangs Gilliam! I bang Melfina AND Suzuka! Jim bangs Aisha! Fred bangs Ron! And then we all come together for an all-out orgy! You better get ready!
Trowa: Next time on Gundam Wing: Wufei gets a girl! Quatre flips out...AGAIN! Duo DOESN'T kill anyone and DOESN'T get a girl! Trowa kills all the bad guys with the greatest of ease! And...(takes a deep breath) ...HEERO DOESN'T TALK IN MONOTONE CUZ HE'S TOO BUSY BANGING THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS OUT OF RELENA PEACECRAFT!
[Everyone laughs, and the other Gundam guys high-five Trowa. Heero looks like he's going to murder Trowa after the show.]
Mariemeia: Things You Should Never Say in a Room Full of X-Men Fans!
Quatre: DC RULES AND MARVEL DROOLS, BABY!
Heero: Wolverine SUCKS!
Wufei: I wish Jean Grey had STAYED DEAD!
Duo: Three words: BRING BACK BASTION!
Trowa: Toad was the coolest bad guy EVER!
Mariemeia: Things a Gundam Pilot in a Dangerous Fight Should Never Say!
Duo: Dammit! I got the Buster Rifle Button and the Self-Destruct Button mixed up ag-KA-BOOM!
Trowa: Okay, we can fight now, but next we're playing Tiddlywinks!
Quatre: Hey, that Dorothy chick was kinda hot, especially her eyebrows! Excess facial hair on girls really turns me on!
Heero: Hello, is this Roscoe's Chicken & Waffles? I'd like the take-out special, please...
Wufei: Who's hotter, Relena Dorlin, Relena Peacecraft, or Queen Relena? Yum!
BUZZ!
Mariemeia: Quatre, that was just GROSS! Okay, our next game is "Superheroes!" Heero will start alone, and when the next pilot comes in, he'll name him, and so on. Now, who's got a name for Heero?
Audience Member 1: Impassive Face Man!
Audience Member 2: I Have No Feelings Man!
Audience Member 3: I Secretly Want Relena Man!
Audience Member 4: Captain Obvious!
Mariemeia: Never mind, I've got one. Monotone Man!
[Heero glares at her.]
Mariemeia: Okay, Monotone Man. Epyon and Wing Zero have been turned loose on the colonies, and you have to form a plan to stop them! Go for it!
Heero: (flatly, with very little effort) Oh, boy. Zero's taking out his Buster Rifle. Oh nooooooo...
Duo: (runs in) Got here as fast as I could!
Heero: Thank goodness you're here...Blatantly Gay Man!
Duo: (glares at Heero, then grins) Oh, Monotone Man! Whatever shall we do?
Heero: (dully) I don't know.
Duo: There's a good lad! (pats Heero's butt)
Trowa: (runs in) Am I too late to help?!
Duo: Just in time...Incredible Monkey Boy! (pats his butt)
[Trowa runs around screaming like a monkey, then starts picking things out of Heero's hair and eating them.]
Wufei: (runs in) Did I make it?
Trowa: Yes, in the nick of time...Captain Erection!
Wufei: (looks horrified, then sticks his hand in his pants and points to make it look like he's...excited) Hey there, fellas! Who wants to play "Swords"?
Heero: (flatly) Not me.
Duo: Come now! Be a sport! (pats Heero's butt, and then everyone else's)
[Trowa screeches and then tries to hump Duo.]
Quatre: (runs in) Hey, what's going on?
Wufei: Nothing much...Prophet of Doom Man!
Quatre: (screams) WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!
Wufei: Hey, Monkey Boy! Here's a tree branch you can swing from!
[Trowa runs over and swings on Wufei's...finger.]
Duo: Say, that looks like fun! (pats Quatre's butt)
Quatre: (screaming) EVERYONE'S GAY AND WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE! (leaves)
Heero: Oh, well. At least I won't have to stay with these idiots long.
Wufei: Well, I'm gonna go see if Trojan Man survived the attack! I could use him right now! (leaves)
[Trowa pretends to fling his poop at everyone and then scampers out, screeching.]
Duo: Well, gotta go, Mono Man! (pats Heero's butt and leaves)
Heero: I think I'll just let evil win this time. Besides, DBZ is on.
BUZZ!
Mariemeia: That was...different. Okay, next is "Party Quirks!" Wufei's throwing a party, and he has to guess who his guests are. Go, Wufei!
Wufei: Chips, dip, and salsa, check! Spiked punch, check! Bathtub full of beer, check!
DING-DONG!
Wufei: Hey, someone's here! (opens door) Hello?
Duo: (AUSTIN POWERS HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH LADY UNE) Hey, buddy! (grunts and thrusts his hips rapidly) Oh, YEAH, baby! Do I make you hornay, baby? YEEEAH, BABY!
DING-DONG!
Wufei: (opens door) Hello?
Heero: (LT. NOIN THINKING OF ZECKS MARQUIS) Ooooh, Zecks! (touches himself in various places)
Duo: (still grunting and thrusting) Yeah, baby! Treize never did it like that, did he, baby?
Wufei: Man, you guys are already on Ecstasy or something! (doorbell rings, and he opens door)
Trowa: (WATCHING THE MOVIE OF AUSTIN & LADY UNE'S AFFAIR) Oh, no. NO! PUT IT BACK ON! AAAAH! I CAN SEE HIS HAIRY CHEST!
Duo: Gonna work the mojo on you, baby!
[Heero grinds against his hand and makes strange noises.]
Wufei: (doorbells rings, and he opens door) Yes?
Quatre: (LADY UNE SWITCHING BACK AND FORTH) Out of my way, imbecile! Oooh, I'm sorry, please forgive me!
Duo: (makes spanking motions) Yeah! Gonna shag you rotten, baby! Yeah, baby!
Trowa: NO! DON'T PUT IT THERE! AAAAAAAH!
Wufei: Austin, get away from Lady Une, and Trowa, quit watching them!
BUZZ!
Heero: (whines) Zecks! YES! (screams like a woman)
Wufei: Hmm...Noin on a Friday night!
Mariemeia: Close enough!
Quatre: We must destroy the colonies! Wait, no, we must preserve peace!
Wufei: Lady Une, both of them!
BUZZ!
Mariemeia: Good job, Wufei! Too bad you won't get any points...
[Wufei growls.]
Mariemeia: Next is "Three-Headed Broadway Star!" Heero, Trowa, and Wufei, you're up. Now, who's got a broadway musical for them to star in?
Audience Member: I Love Sailor Moon!
Mariemeia: Thank you! Now, what's the song called?
Same Audience Member: I Want to Lick Each Senshi!
Mariemeia: ...okay! Go for it, guys!
[Heero, Trowa, and Wufei trade "she's GOT to be kidding" looks.]
Mariemeia: Guards?
[The armed troops start poking the three boys with their rifles. Trowa quickly starts as music comes up.]
Trowa: I'd
Heero: really
Wufei: like
Trowa: to
Heero: lick
Wufei: each
Trowa: (obviously very much into it) Senshi! And here's whhhhhhhhhyyyy...
Heero: Serena's
Wufei: really
Trowa: tasty!
Heero: And
Wufei: Mina's
Trowa: just
Heero: (on the spot)...sweet.
Wufei: Amy's
Trowa: abso-
Heero: -lutely
Wufei: yummy!
Trowa: Good
Heero: enough
Wufei: to
Trowa: eat!
Heero: But
Wufei: Rei's
Trowa: on
Heero: (shocking everyone) FIYAAAAA!
Wufei: Man
Trowa: she
Heero: burns
Wufei: my
Trowa: tongue!
Heero: But
Wufei: Lita
Trowa: hits
Heero: the
Wufei: spot
Trowa: when
Heero: the
Wufei: dinner
Trowa: bell
Heero: is
Wufei: (on the spot)...rung!
Trowa: 'Taru's
Heero: just
Wufei: (getting into it now) scrumptious!
Trowa: With
Heero: a
Wufei: side
Trowa: of
Heero: (on the spot) ...RUM!
Wufei: And
Trowa: Reenie's
Heero: the
Wufei: sweetest
Trowa: cuz
Heero: she
Wufei: tastes
Trowa: like
Heero: (on the spot again)...gum!
Wufei: Haruka's
Trowa: kinda
Heero: (really into it now) SPICEY!
Wufei: And
Trowa: Michuru
Heero: is
Wufei: a
Trowa: (finally on the spot)...tart!
Heero: But
Wufei: if
Trowa: I
Heero: can't
Wufei: lick
Trowa: that
Heero: FINE!
Wufei: Setsuna
Trowa: it'll
Heero: break
Wufei: my
Trowa: (bursting into song) Heeeeeeeaaarrrrt!
All: And that's why I must lick each Senshiiiiiiii!
[Audience bursts into applause and cheers.]
Mariemeia: Excellent, guys! Great job! Encore! Just kidding, heh! Let's go to commercial, and when we come back..."Props!"
[The boys groan, but quickly fall silent as the soldiers poke them.]
Commercial: See the saga that changed it all! We're replaying again, in case you fell asleep. DBZ, Weeknights @ Midnight. Only Toonami!
[Mariemeia is sitting in Duo's lap when the cameras come on.]
Mariemeia: Oh, welcome back, everyone! Next up is "Props!" As you might have guessed, Duo's sitting this one out. Everyone else, grab those props and start acting!
[Heero and Quatre receive fake Buster Rifles, while Wufei and Trowa get Wing Zero and Epyon action figures. Wufei is muttering something about "cheap imitations," while Trowa looks quite pleased with his Epyon and makes "whoosh"ing noises as he flies it around.]
Mariemeia: Anytime you're ready, guys. (giggles as Duo tickles her) Stop that!
Quatre: (turning to Heero and forming a gun with his finger) Gimme all your money!
Heero: You call that a gun? That's not a gun! (whips out his Buster Rifle, a la Crocodile Dundee) Now THAT'S a gun.
BUZZ!
Wufei: Next in the "Honey, I Shrunk the Kids" series: Baby, I Done Shrunk the Gundams!
BUZZ!
[Heero & Quatre hold their Buster Rifles against their...lower regions, re-enacting a scene from "Spaceballs."]
Quatre: Ah! And I see your Schwartz is as BIG as MINE! But let's see how you...HANDLE IT!
BUZZ!
Wufei: (holding up Wing Zero) Hey, Epyon! What comes after L?
Trowa: (holding up Epyon) M!
Wufei: No! Bo! Get it?! L-BO! (Wing Zero elbows Epyon)
BUZZ!
[Heero has both Buster Rifles strapped to his belt.]
Quatre: (dramatic voice) Coming soon: John Wayne in "The Duke: 2021!"
BUZZ!
Trowa: Cartoon Network presents the new Gundam Voodoo Dolls!
[Wufei crashes the Gundams together, while Heero shakes and falls to the floor in a heap.]
BUZZ!
[Heero walks over to a female audience member, again holding the Buster Rifle against his lower regions. He grins and drops the barrel in her lap.]
Heero: (as Butthead) Hey, baby. Uh huh huh. They don't call it a *Buster* Rifle for nothing.
Quatre: (as Beavis) Yeah! Yeah! Cool!
BUZZZZZZ!
Mariemeia: Ew! That was just wrong, you guys! (reluctantly returns to the host's chair) Okay, next we have "Irish Drinking Song!" Well, that's what is usually is, but it's my show, and we're gonna do "Russian Drinking Song!" Not that there's a huge difference. Who's got a song for the guys?
Audience Member 1: Too Sexy for My Tenchi!
Audience Member 2: Why I Must Lick Each Powerpuff Girl!
Audience Member 3: The Return of Hot Ice Hilda!
Audience Member 4: The Incredible Adventures of Monotone Man!
Mariemeia: (grinning) That running gag's good for every game, isn't it, Heero?
[Heero shoots a murderous glance at the Audience Member 4.]
Mariemeia: Well, you can relax a little. This one's for everyone but you. Guys, go to it!
[Quatre, Duo, Trowa, and Wufei line up as the music begins. Duo crosses his arms, kicks his legs, and hops forward.]
Duo: Well, out there in outer space!
Quatre: There lived a guy Heero!
Trowa: Terrorism was his game!
Wufei: And his Gundam was Wing Zero!
Duo: But, see, Heero had a problem!
Quatre: And a pretty big one, too!
Trowa: He always spoke in monotone!
Wufei: (exasperated) We couldn't WAIT 'til he was through!
All: (dancing around a bit) Mono mono mono mono mono mono mono mono MAN! HEY!
[Heero looks on, glaring and tapping the arm of his chair angrily.]
Duo: Heero met this Relena chick!
Quatre: And, boy, was she smitten!
Trowa: She liked small fuzzy animals!
Wufei: (cries) But Heero blasted her kitten!
Duo: Relena followed Heero around!
Quatre: But he just refused to love her!
Trowa: He'd rather fight Zechs Marquis!
Wufei: (whispering loudly) I think Heero likes Relena's brother!
All: (dancing again) Mono mono mono mono mono mono mono mono MAN! HEY!
[Heero grinds his teeth, but remains silent.]
Duo: Now, Wing Zero was replaced!
Quatre: Heero upgraded to Epyon!
Trowa: Yes, it's true, he was known to shout:
Wufei: (stabs a finger in the air) TO INFINITY AND BEYOND!
Duo: But Epyon had a major flaw!
Quatre: He made his pilot go nuts!
Trowa: Why, I recall that day when Heero said:
Wufei: "I'd like to touch your butts!"
All: (forming a kickline) Mono mono mono mono mono mono mono mono MAN! HEY!
[Heero now has to be restrained by several soldiers.]
Duo: Time to bring it to a close!
Quatre: We really had much fun!
Trowa: When it comes to being humiliated!
Wufei: Heero's number one!
Duo: I really hate to complain!
Quatre: And I don't wanna be a rat!
Trowa: But the question really must be asked!
Wufei: WHY WON'T HE STOP TALKING LIKE THAT?!
All: (forming a kickline with the soldiers for a big finish) Mono mono mono mono mono mono mono mono MAN! HEY!
[The audience explodes into applause. Heero finally breaks free and leaps at the other boys. A fight ensues, and a large number of soldiers march onstage to break it up.]
Mariemeia: Great job again, guys! Stay tuned! When we come back, I'll announce the winners, and we'll have the infamous "Hoe-down!"
Commercial: The battle for Earth begins again! "Dead Zone," Friday @ 6PM! Only Toonami!
[When the cameras come back on, the boys are lined up onstage. Heero is looking smug, while everyone else is dazed and bleeding from various limbs.]
Mariemeia: You guys missed a GREAT fight! But enough of that! It's not like we had points, but the winner is...everyone but Wufei!
Wufei: HEY!
[A female soldier slams the butt of her gun against his head, and Wufei collapses with a thump.]
Mariemeia: Okay, the real winners are Duo, Quatre, and Heero. Without further ado, let's start that "Hoe-down!" (runs onstage) Who's got a topic for us?
Audience Member: Impersonating the other Gundam pilots!
Mariemeia: Okay! But no ripping on Heero, he's had enough for one night.
[The audience makes disappointed sounds, and Heero glares at them.]
Mariemeia: Start the music!
[Hoe-down music begins. The audience claps to the beat, and Duo steps up, getting a feel for the music before starting.]
Duo: Hi, my name is Quatre!
I don't know much about beauty!
But every lady that I meet swears that I'm a cutie!
I really haven't told them, but now I think I may!
Sorry to be heartbreaker, girls, but I'm secretly gay!
[The audience laughs, while Quatre glares at Duo and gets ready for his turn.]
Quatre: Hi, my name is Duo!
I've always got a date!
And though I may be a flirt, I really am first-rate!
Quatre's often jealous because I have more fun!
But at least he didn't get caught jerking off to Lady Une!
[The audience laughs even louder, and Duo is restrained by three soldiers. Heero steps up as Wufei slowly comes to.]
Heero: Hi, my name is Wufei!
I'm just a living weapon!
I'm a He-Man Woman-Hater, member since '91!
But here's the real story of why I hate girls so much!
I act like I'm superior, but I'm really just afraid to touch!
[The audience laughs even louder than before, and Wufei turns red. Mariemeia jumps up.]
Mariemeia: Hi, my name is Trowa!
Under the big top, I'm the man!
I wear a half clown face better than anyone can!
I'm always the star, and with good reason, baby!
Just ask my sister, Katherine, a.k.a. The Bearded Lady!
All: A.k.a. The Bearded Lady!
[The audience howls, and Trowa is silently fuming as the music ends.]
Mariemeia: Thanks for a great show, guys! You're all free to go! Uh...except Duo and Quatre. I want you two in my room for a private performance of that "Beauty" remix...
[The soldiers muscle Duo & Quatre to the left with Mariemeia, while Trowa, Wufei, and Heero head to the right, arguing among themselves.]
The End!
I never realized how hard it is to write one of these things. Gah! Hopefully, someone out there liked it!
Okay, I was inspired by Ash The Wanderer's DBZ style thingee, so I thought I'd try my hand with the Gundam guys. Be very afraid...
Voice: Welcome to "Whose Line Is It, Anyway?"! And now, here's your host, Treize Kushranada!
[The camera pans over to reveal Mariemeia (remember the cute little crazy kid from "Endless Waltz"?) sitting in the host's chair.]
Mariemeia: Good evening, everyone! My Daddy couldn't be here, since he's kinda dead. In his absence, I've decided to take over this show. So, say hi to our stars!
[A large group of armed troops with "M"s on their caps force the Gundam pilots onstage.]
Mariemeia: Hi, guys! Welcome to the show!
Heero: (glaring) You will die for this.
Mariemeia: Take a seat, Monotone Man.
[The audience laughs as the troops force the Gundam pilots into chairs]
Mariemeia: Okay! Let's get started! These guys don't need intros, but they're getting them, anyway! First, the guy with the pullover hair everyone wishes they could have, Trowa Barton!
[Trowa stands and receives cheers, but one of the troops pushes him back down quickly.]
Mariemeia: Next, the guy who hates women, and as a result, will be SEVERELY punished on this show, Chang Wufei!
[Wufei stands, looking very uncomfortable, and gets booed by all the women. The female solider behind him smacks the back of his head and forces him back into his chair.]
Mariemeia: Third, the most beautiful guy I've ever laid eyes on, Duo Maxwell! (swoons)
[Duo stands and every female screams his name, starting up a chant. Duo grins and blows a kiss at Mariemeia, who sighs happily and waves at him. After a few minutes, Duo sits, smiling.]
Mariemeia: (whispering) Call me! (aloud) Next, the original Gundam guy, and permanent thorn in my side, Heero Yuy!
[Heero stands, getting the largest amount of cheers, and then sits.]
Mariemeia: And now, the Quintessential Cutie, (screams) QUATRE!!!
[All the girls scream as Quatre stands and waves shyly, then sits.]
Mariemeia: (clears her throat) Now, it's time for our first game, "Let's Make A Date!" The first four guys will be the bachelors, and Quatre, you'll be the one that asks the questions! Go!
Quatre: Bachelor #1, where would you take me on a date?
Wufei: (HAS A SICK FASCINATION WITH FARM ANIMALS) (flatly) The barn.
Quatre: ...Bachelor #2?
Heero: (A SHEEPDOG WITH BAD FLEAS) Well, we could...(pauses to scratch)...go to the movies and AH! (scratches harder) AH! AAAAAH! (rolls around on the floor, scratching madly)
[Wufei stares giddily at Heero.]
Quatre: Bachelor #3?
Trowa: (A GUNDAM SPINNING OUT OF CONTROL) Maybe the park, or even AAAH! LOOK OUT BELOW! (goes charging into the audience and throws himself at a delighted female, who squeals and hugs him) KABOOM! CRASH! BAM!
Quatre: ...Bachelor #4?
Duo: (A REALLY HUNGRY FLEA) Well, we'd have dinner...(stares at Heero, licking his lips)...and then...I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! (dives on Heero and begins trying to bite him)
[Wufei dives on Heero's back and begins humping him desperately.]
Quatre: Um...Trowa was a crashing Gundam, Wufei was horny, Duo was a vampire, and Heero was a dog with fleas.
BUZZ!
Mariemeia: Oh, so close! Wufei had sick fascination with animals, and Duo was a hungry flea! Normally, you'd get points, but they're pointless, and I'm just gonna pick Quatre or Duo at the end, anyway. Up next is "Weird Newscasters!" Heero and Duo will be the anchormen, Trowa's got sports, Wufei's got weather, and Quatre will be the news station mascot. Go!
Heero: (TRYING TO RESIST THE VOICES IN HIS HEAD) Good evening, and welcome to the Channel 5 News. I'm Jock Strap. (blinks) NO, shut up! (clears his throat) In our top story, a school bus full of children exploded, and I DID IT! (shudders) Stop doing that! (calms himself) For more details, we go to my fellow anchor, Al Coholic. (blinks rapidly) No, Al's my friend! SHUT UP!
Duo: (IS HAPPY ABOUT EVERYTHING) Uh...thanks, Jock! (grins) That's right, all those poor kids were just SPLATTERED all over the highway! Isn't that something?! All the little bodies with their happy face stickers were reduced to bloody stains with crushed lunch boxes! (giggles) Here's Gotta Takeapiss with sports!
Trowa: (GETTING A TATTOO WITH NO PAINKILLERS) (sweating) Heh heh. Thanks, Al. In sports new, there was AH! ...a number of injuries on the football OH MAN, IT HURTS!!! (pants) ..field! NO! MOMMY, MAKE IT STOP! (faints)
Duo: Thanks, Gotta. Nice tattoo! Now we go to Still A. Virgin with the weather! Take it, Still!
Wufei: (WITNESSING A DRIVE-BY) Thanks, Al! I'm here in the suburbs for no real reason at all, looking very stupid and very vulnerable! We've been experiencing a few warm fronts this past week, and... (squints) Say, that car's been there for quite some time. Harry, can you see what they're doing? Okay, Harry's gonna---GOOD LORD! THEY SHOT HARRY! EVERYBODY RUN! (tries to run) No! NOOO-ACK! (gets hit and falls) No! Please! AAAAAAH! (shakes uncontrollably, as if getting shot over and over again, then lies still with his tongue hanging out)
Duo: Wow! Isn't that special?! Now, a word from our cute lil' mascot, Sexual Harassment Hippo!
[Quatre dances in.]
Quatre: (singing) Who's on your side, always aware of danger? Sexual Harassment Hip-po!
Who will never get touched by a stranger? Sexual Harassment Hip-po!
[Heero suddenly screams and dives on Duo, trying to stab him.]
Quatre: HEY! That's sexual harassment, and he doesn't have to take it anymore! (pauses) Hey, there's that car from before... Wait...THEY'VE GOT GUNS! RUN!!! (turns to run) NO! AAAAARRRRGGGH! (shakes as if getting shot, then collapses)
BUZZ!
Mariemeia: Great job, guys! Next up is "Duet!" This is for Quatre and Duo. Normally, you'd sing to an audience member, but instead, you're going to serenade me! (giggles) And remember, gestures are allowed. Go!
[Duo & Quatre run over to the host's chair as the music to Dru Hill's "Beauty" starts up.]
Duo: I've got a secret affair, and it really just blows my mind!
Quatre: Just gotta touch that thigh, cuz-
Duo: DAMN!
Quatre: (blushing) -this girl is fine! I hope that you will be mine...
Duo: Before I gotta hurt someone!
Quatre: And once your body is in my bed...
Duo: I swear we'll have tons of fun!
[Mariemeia blushes.]
Quatre: Hugging her every day...
Duo: (making suggestive thrusting motions with his hips) And giving it to her every night! Girl done stole my heart!
Quatre: (blushing even more) ...and Mariemeia is her name! Hoping you will be mine...
Duo: Before I gotta tear somebody apart!
Quatre: And once your body is mine...
Duo: I swear we will never be apart!
[Mariemeia squeals and throws herself into Duo's arms, kissing his face all over.]
Quatre: I guess that means we're done...
Duo: Man, that sure was fun!
Mariemeia: (breathless) Go to a commercial! (tries to shove her tongue down Duo's throat, and he isn't exactly resisting...)
Commercial: Don't forget to vote for your favorite Powerpuff Girl in the Powerpuff Popularity Contest! My money's on Bubbles! (As if there was EVER any question...)
[When the show returns, Mariemeia has composed herself, but is still glancing hungrily at Duo.]
Mariemeia: Welcome back! Our next game is "Scenes from a Hat!" The audience members have written down some suggestions, and these guys have to come up with some replies. This is for everyone. Here we go! Ads for Next Episodes We'll Never See!
Heero: Next time on DBZ: Goku goes on a diet! Chi-chi DOESN'T make Gohan study! The major fight scene only lasts half an episode instead of three weeks! The bad guy WINS! Nobody scowls... INCLUDING PICCOLO AND VEGETA!
Duo: (in Gene's voice) Next time on Outlaw Star: Harry bangs Gilliam! I bang Melfina AND Suzuka! Jim bangs Aisha! Fred bangs Ron! And then we all come together for an all-out orgy! You better get ready!
Trowa: Next time on Gundam Wing: Wufei gets a girl! Quatre flips out...AGAIN! Duo DOESN'T kill anyone and DOESN'T get a girl! Trowa kills all the bad guys with the greatest of ease! And...(takes a deep breath) ...HEERO DOESN'T TALK IN MONOTONE CUZ HE'S TOO BUSY BANGING THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS OUT OF RELENA PEACECRAFT!
[Everyone laughs, and the other Gundam guys high-five Trowa. Heero looks like he's going to murder Trowa after the show.]
Mariemeia: Things You Should Never Say in a Room Full of X-Men Fans!
Quatre: DC RULES AND MARVEL DROOLS, BABY!
Heero: Wolverine SUCKS!
Wufei: I wish Jean Grey had STAYED DEAD!
Duo: Three words: BRING BACK BASTION!
Trowa: Toad was the coolest bad guy EVER!
Mariemeia: Things a Gundam Pilot in a Dangerous Fight Should Never Say!
Duo: Dammit! I got the Buster Rifle Button and the Self-Destruct Button mixed up ag-KA-BOOM!
Trowa: Okay, we can fight now, but next we're playing Tiddlywinks!
Quatre: Hey, that Dorothy chick was kinda hot, especially her eyebrows! Excess facial hair on girls really turns me on!
Heero: Hello, is this Roscoe's Chicken & Waffles? I'd like the take-out special, please...
Wufei: Who's hotter, Relena Dorlin, Relena Peacecraft, or Queen Relena? Yum!
BUZZ!
Mariemeia: Quatre, that was just GROSS! Okay, our next game is "Superheroes!" Heero will start alone, and when the next pilot comes in, he'll name him, and so on. Now, who's got a name for Heero?
Audience Member 1: Impassive Face Man!
Audience Member 2: I Have No Feelings Man!
Audience Member 3: I Secretly Want Relena Man!
Audience Member 4: Captain Obvious!
Mariemeia: Never mind, I've got one. Monotone Man!
[Heero glares at her.]
Mariemeia: Okay, Monotone Man. Epyon and Wing Zero have been turned loose on the colonies, and you have to form a plan to stop them! Go for it!
Heero: (flatly, with very little effort) Oh, boy. Zero's taking out his Buster Rifle. Oh nooooooo...
Duo: (runs in) Got here as fast as I could!
Heero: Thank goodness you're here...Blatantly Gay Man!
Duo: (glares at Heero, then grins) Oh, Monotone Man! Whatever shall we do?
Heero: (dully) I don't know.
Duo: There's a good lad! (pats Heero's butt)
Trowa: (runs in) Am I too late to help?!
Duo: Just in time...Incredible Monkey Boy! (pats his butt)
[Trowa runs around screaming like a monkey, then starts picking things out of Heero's hair and eating them.]
Wufei: (runs in) Did I make it?
Trowa: Yes, in the nick of time...Captain Erection!
Wufei: (looks horrified, then sticks his hand in his pants and points to make it look like he's...excited) Hey there, fellas! Who wants to play "Swords"?
Heero: (flatly) Not me.
Duo: Come now! Be a sport! (pats Heero's butt, and then everyone else's)
[Trowa screeches and then tries to hump Duo.]
Quatre: (runs in) Hey, what's going on?
Wufei: Nothing much...Prophet of Doom Man!
Quatre: (screams) WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!
Wufei: Hey, Monkey Boy! Here's a tree branch you can swing from!
[Trowa runs over and swings on Wufei's...finger.]
Duo: Say, that looks like fun! (pats Quatre's butt)
Quatre: (screaming) EVERYONE'S GAY AND WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE! (leaves)
Heero: Oh, well. At least I won't have to stay with these idiots long.
Wufei: Well, I'm gonna go see if Trojan Man survived the attack! I could use him right now! (leaves)
[Trowa pretends to fling his poop at everyone and then scampers out, screeching.]
Duo: Well, gotta go, Mono Man! (pats Heero's butt and leaves)
Heero: I think I'll just let evil win this time. Besides, DBZ is on.
BUZZ!
Mariemeia: That was...different. Okay, next is "Party Quirks!" Wufei's throwing a party, and he has to guess who his guests are. Go, Wufei!
Wufei: Chips, dip, and salsa, check! Spiked punch, check! Bathtub full of beer, check!
DING-DONG!
Wufei: Hey, someone's here! (opens door) Hello?
Duo: (AUSTIN POWERS HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH LADY UNE) Hey, buddy! (grunts and thrusts his hips rapidly) Oh, YEAH, baby! Do I make you hornay, baby? YEEEAH, BABY!
DING-DONG!
Wufei: (opens door) Hello?
Heero: (LT. NOIN THINKING OF ZECKS MARQUIS) Ooooh, Zecks! (touches himself in various places)
Duo: (still grunting and thrusting) Yeah, baby! Treize never did it like that, did he, baby?
Wufei: Man, you guys are already on Ecstasy or something! (doorbell rings, and he opens door)
Trowa: (WATCHING THE MOVIE OF AUSTIN & LADY UNE'S AFFAIR) Oh, no. NO! PUT IT BACK ON! AAAAH! I CAN SEE HIS HAIRY CHEST!
Duo: Gonna work the mojo on you, baby!
[Heero grinds against his hand and makes strange noises.]
Wufei: (doorbells rings, and he opens door) Yes?
Quatre: (LADY UNE SWITCHING BACK AND FORTH) Out of my way, imbecile! Oooh, I'm sorry, please forgive me!
Duo: (makes spanking motions) Yeah! Gonna shag you rotten, baby! Yeah, baby!
Trowa: NO! DON'T PUT IT THERE! AAAAAAAH!
Wufei: Austin, get away from Lady Une, and Trowa, quit watching them!
BUZZ!
Heero: (whines) Zecks! YES! (screams like a woman)
Wufei: Hmm...Noin on a Friday night!
Mariemeia: Close enough!
Quatre: We must destroy the colonies! Wait, no, we must preserve peace!
Wufei: Lady Une, both of them!
BUZZ!
Mariemeia: Good job, Wufei! Too bad you won't get any points...
[Wufei growls.]
Mariemeia: Next is "Three-Headed Broadway Star!" Heero, Trowa, and Wufei, you're up. Now, who's got a broadway musical for them to star in?
Audience Member: I Love Sailor Moon!
Mariemeia: Thank you! Now, what's the song called?
Same Audience Member: I Want to Lick Each Senshi!
Mariemeia: ...okay! Go for it, guys!
[Heero, Trowa, and Wufei trade "she's GOT to be kidding" looks.]
Mariemeia: Guards?
[The armed troops start poking the three boys with their rifles. Trowa quickly starts as music comes up.]
Trowa: I'd
Heero: really
Wufei: like
Trowa: to
Heero: lick
Wufei: each
Trowa: (obviously very much into it) Senshi! And here's whhhhhhhhhyyyy...
Heero: Serena's
Wufei: really
Trowa: tasty!
Heero: And
Wufei: Mina's
Trowa: just
Heero: (on the spot)...sweet.
Wufei: Amy's
Trowa: abso-
Heero: -lutely
Wufei: yummy!
Trowa: Good
Heero: enough
Wufei: to
Trowa: eat!
Heero: But
Wufei: Rei's
Trowa: on
Heero: (shocking everyone) FIYAAAAA!
Wufei: Man
Trowa: she
Heero: burns
Wufei: my
Trowa: tongue!
Heero: But
Wufei: Lita
Trowa: hits
Heero: the
Wufei: spot
Trowa: when
Heero: the
Wufei: dinner
Trowa: bell
Heero: is
Wufei: (on the spot)...rung!
Trowa: 'Taru's
Heero: just
Wufei: (getting into it now) scrumptious!
Trowa: With
Heero: a
Wufei: side
Trowa: of
Heero: (on the spot) ...RUM!
Wufei: And
Trowa: Reenie's
Heero: the
Wufei: sweetest
Trowa: cuz
Heero: she
Wufei: tastes
Trowa: like
Heero: (on the spot again)...gum!
Wufei: Haruka's
Trowa: kinda
Heero: (really into it now) SPICEY!
Wufei: And
Trowa: Michuru
Heero: is
Wufei: a
Trowa: (finally on the spot)...tart!
Heero: But
Wufei: if
Trowa: I
Heero: can't
Wufei: lick
Trowa: that
Heero: FINE!
Wufei: Setsuna
Trowa: it'll
Heero: break
Wufei: my
Trowa: (bursting into song) Heeeeeeeaaarrrrt!
All: And that's why I must lick each Senshiiiiiiii!
[Audience bursts into applause and cheers.]
Mariemeia: Excellent, guys! Great job! Encore! Just kidding, heh! Let's go to commercial, and when we come back..."Props!"
[The boys groan, but quickly fall silent as the soldiers poke them.]
Commercial: See the saga that changed it all! We're replaying again, in case you fell asleep. DBZ, Weeknights @ Midnight. Only Toonami!
[Mariemeia is sitting in Duo's lap when the cameras come on.]
Mariemeia: Oh, welcome back, everyone! Next up is "Props!" As you might have guessed, Duo's sitting this one out. Everyone else, grab those props and start acting!
[Heero and Quatre receive fake Buster Rifles, while Wufei and Trowa get Wing Zero and Epyon action figures. Wufei is muttering something about "cheap imitations," while Trowa looks quite pleased with his Epyon and makes "whoosh"ing noises as he flies it around.]
Mariemeia: Anytime you're ready, guys. (giggles as Duo tickles her) Stop that!
Quatre: (turning to Heero and forming a gun with his finger) Gimme all your money!
Heero: You call that a gun? That's not a gun! (whips out his Buster Rifle, a la Crocodile Dundee) Now THAT'S a gun.
BUZZ!
Wufei: Next in the "Honey, I Shrunk the Kids" series: Baby, I Done Shrunk the Gundams!
BUZZ!
[Heero & Quatre hold their Buster Rifles against their...lower regions, re-enacting a scene from "Spaceballs."]
Quatre: Ah! And I see your Schwartz is as BIG as MINE! But let's see how you...HANDLE IT!
BUZZ!
Wufei: (holding up Wing Zero) Hey, Epyon! What comes after L?
Trowa: (holding up Epyon) M!
Wufei: No! Bo! Get it?! L-BO! (Wing Zero elbows Epyon)
BUZZ!
[Heero has both Buster Rifles strapped to his belt.]
Quatre: (dramatic voice) Coming soon: John Wayne in "The Duke: 2021!"
BUZZ!
Trowa: Cartoon Network presents the new Gundam Voodoo Dolls!
[Wufei crashes the Gundams together, while Heero shakes and falls to the floor in a heap.]
BUZZ!
[Heero walks over to a female audience member, again holding the Buster Rifle against his lower regions. He grins and drops the barrel in her lap.]
Heero: (as Butthead) Hey, baby. Uh huh huh. They don't call it a *Buster* Rifle for nothing.
Quatre: (as Beavis) Yeah! Yeah! Cool!
BUZZZZZZ!
Mariemeia: Ew! That was just wrong, you guys! (reluctantly returns to the host's chair) Okay, next we have "Irish Drinking Song!" Well, that's what is usually is, but it's my show, and we're gonna do "Russian Drinking Song!" Not that there's a huge difference. Who's got a song for the guys?
Audience Member 1: Too Sexy for My Tenchi!
Audience Member 2: Why I Must Lick Each Powerpuff Girl!
Audience Member 3: The Return of Hot Ice Hilda!
Audience Member 4: The Incredible Adventures of Monotone Man!
Mariemeia: (grinning) That running gag's good for every game, isn't it, Heero?
[Heero shoots a murderous glance at the Audience Member 4.]
Mariemeia: Well, you can relax a little. This one's for everyone but you. Guys, go to it!
[Quatre, Duo, Trowa, and Wufei line up as the music begins. Duo crosses his arms, kicks his legs, and hops forward.]
Duo: Well, out there in outer space!
Quatre: There lived a guy Heero!
Trowa: Terrorism was his game!
Wufei: And his Gundam was Wing Zero!
Duo: But, see, Heero had a problem!
Quatre: And a pretty big one, too!
Trowa: He always spoke in monotone!
Wufei: (exasperated) We couldn't WAIT 'til he was through!
All: (dancing around a bit) Mono mono mono mono mono mono mono mono MAN! HEY!
[Heero looks on, glaring and tapping the arm of his chair angrily.]
Duo: Heero met this Relena chick!
Quatre: And, boy, was she smitten!
Trowa: She liked small fuzzy animals!
Wufei: (cries) But Heero blasted her kitten!
Duo: Relena followed Heero around!
Quatre: But he just refused to love her!
Trowa: He'd rather fight Zechs Marquis!
Wufei: (whispering loudly) I think Heero likes Relena's brother!
All: (dancing again) Mono mono mono mono mono mono mono mono MAN! HEY!
[Heero grinds his teeth, but remains silent.]
Duo: Now, Wing Zero was replaced!
Quatre: Heero upgraded to Epyon!
Trowa: Yes, it's true, he was known to shout:
Wufei: (stabs a finger in the air) TO INFINITY AND BEYOND!
Duo: But Epyon had a major flaw!
Quatre: He made his pilot go nuts!
Trowa: Why, I recall that day when Heero said:
Wufei: "I'd like to touch your butts!"
All: (forming a kickline) Mono mono mono mono mono mono mono mono MAN! HEY!
[Heero now has to be restrained by several soldiers.]
Duo: Time to bring it to a close!
Quatre: We really had much fun!
Trowa: When it comes to being humiliated!
Wufei: Heero's number one!
Duo: I really hate to complain!
Quatre: And I don't wanna be a rat!
Trowa: But the question really must be asked!
Wufei: WHY WON'T HE STOP TALKING LIKE THAT?!
All: (forming a kickline with the soldiers for a big finish) Mono mono mono mono mono mono mono mono MAN! HEY!
[The audience explodes into applause. Heero finally breaks free and leaps at the other boys. A fight ensues, and a large number of soldiers march onstage to break it up.]
Mariemeia: Great job again, guys! Stay tuned! When we come back, I'll announce the winners, and we'll have the infamous "Hoe-down!"
Commercial: The battle for Earth begins again! "Dead Zone," Friday @ 6PM! Only Toonami!
[When the cameras come back on, the boys are lined up onstage. Heero is looking smug, while everyone else is dazed and bleeding from various limbs.]
Mariemeia: You guys missed a GREAT fight! But enough of that! It's not like we had points, but the winner is...everyone but Wufei!
Wufei: HEY!
[A female soldier slams the butt of her gun against his head, and Wufei collapses with a thump.]
Mariemeia: Okay, the real winners are Duo, Quatre, and Heero. Without further ado, let's start that "Hoe-down!" (runs onstage) Who's got a topic for us?
Audience Member: Impersonating the other Gundam pilots!
Mariemeia: Okay! But no ripping on Heero, he's had enough for one night.
[The audience makes disappointed sounds, and Heero glares at them.]
Mariemeia: Start the music!
[Hoe-down music begins. The audience claps to the beat, and Duo steps up, getting a feel for the music before starting.]
Duo: Hi, my name is Quatre!
I don't know much about beauty!
But every lady that I meet swears that I'm a cutie!
I really haven't told them, but now I think I may!
Sorry to be heartbreaker, girls, but I'm secretly gay!
[The audience laughs, while Quatre glares at Duo and gets ready for his turn.]
Quatre: Hi, my name is Duo!
I've always got a date!
And though I may be a flirt, I really am first-rate!
Quatre's often jealous because I have more fun!
But at least he didn't get caught jerking off to Lady Une!
[The audience laughs even louder, and Duo is restrained by three soldiers. Heero steps up as Wufei slowly comes to.]
Heero: Hi, my name is Wufei!
I'm just a living weapon!
I'm a He-Man Woman-Hater, member since '91!
But here's the real story of why I hate girls so much!
I act like I'm superior, but I'm really just afraid to touch!
[The audience laughs even louder than before, and Wufei turns red. Mariemeia jumps up.]
Mariemeia: Hi, my name is Trowa!
Under the big top, I'm the man!
I wear a half clown face better than anyone can!
I'm always the star, and with good reason, baby!
Just ask my sister, Katherine, a.k.a. The Bearded Lady!
All: A.k.a. The Bearded Lady!
[The audience howls, and Trowa is silently fuming as the music ends.]
Mariemeia: Thanks for a great show, guys! You're all free to go! Uh...except Duo and Quatre. I want you two in my room for a private performance of that "Beauty" remix...
[The soldiers muscle Duo & Quatre to the left with Mariemeia, while Trowa, Wufei, and Heero head to the right, arguing among themselves.]
The End!
I never realized how hard it is to write one of these things. Gah! Hopefully, someone out there liked it!