Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Winning Duo ❯ Chapter 10
[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]
By: Calic0cat 
Anime/Manga: Gundam Wing Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Angst / / Romance | Type: Continuation | Uploaded On: 02.02.2003 | Pages: 2 | Words: 3.4K | Visits: 1.5K | Status: Completed
Anime/Manga: Gundam Wing Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Angst / / Romance | Type: Continuation | Uploaded On: 02.02.2003 | Pages: 2 | Words: 3.4K | Visits: 1.5K | Status: Completed
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Title: Winning Duo
Chapter: 10/?
Author: Calic0cat <calic0cat@fastmail.fm>
Story Started: Jan. 2003
Genre: Yaoi, Romance, Humour, Angst
Pairings: Working towards 1x2x5; 3x4; 6x9; others may be implied
Rated: NC-17
Warnings: OOC, Swearing, Shifting POV
Archives: At Mediaminer.org under Calic0cat. Anyone with archive permission for my other fics can help themselves; anyone else, please ask.
Disclaimer: Duo and Heero and the rest of the GW gang aren't mine. This story is. Nuff said.
Notes: Starts one year after Endless Waltz. POV changes frequently.
'Thinking'
"Speaking"
*** Time passing or scene change
Author's Notes: I usually write 1x2x1, so a 1x2x5 is a first for me (well, writing one is - I've been reading them for quite a while now, that's the *only* threesome I actually *like*). This fic is courtesy of Quin, my romance/humour muse. Feedback is appreciated.
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Mind racing, Wufei frantically tried to come up with the words he needed to make Duo understand that he had completely misunderstood the situation. But there was, unfortunately, just enough truth in his accusations to make it very difficult to refute them. They *were* both competing over him. They *did* each want him in their arms and in their bed. And while he, at least, certainly wanted that to be a permanent thing, neither of them had made a point of making their intentions clear.
'I *never* considered him promiscuous - but some of the hurtful things I said in reaction to his flirting back then came very close to accusing him of that,' Wufei realized with dawning horror. 'And what he said about not being willing to "stoop" to the sort of behaviour he did back then - what does he mean by that? And that bitter crack about not being willing to do everything short of sitting up and begging just to get our attention?' Again, Wufei's own ill-considered words were coming back to haunt him. One particular jab about Duo being so desperate for attention that he should join Trowa at the circus since he'd be willing to jump through hoops just to hear the applause came to mind, making him flinch at the memory.
'Yet he never *did* go to truly exceptional lengths - certainly nothing that he should now be ashamed of,' Wufei thought. 'Oh, a few times he timed his showers so that he'd be walking by in just a towel when I went to take mine. And he would make a point of hanging around wherever I was if possible, whether out in the hangar making repairs or in the living room reading. He flirted and made suggestive remarks, wore tight pants and walked around with his shirt either undone or off... Nothing more than any other teenager with a crush would do, really...' But Wufei's own over-reaction to everything Duo had said or done could very well have convinced the other teen that he *had* been completely out of line.
Shocked at Duo's interpretation of events, Heero tried desperately to come up with an explanation that would straighten out the misunderstanding. But there wasn't a simple way to do that. 'We set ourselves up for this,' he realized unhappily. 'By ignoring past events and putting off dealing with our previous behaviour, we've left it up to him to try and guess what we really want. And our current behaviour hasn't exactly leant itself to particularly positive conclusions. We've been pushy and possessive and competitive. And on a day when we both intended to show him how much we've changed, that we can relax and have fun, that we're interested in him and want to make him happy, we have instead showed him just how *little* we've changed. That we're still driven and single-minded. That we can and will completely ignore him.'
There was no quick fix for this mess. They needed to make at least partial explanations of their past behaviour and apologize both for it and for their current poor behaviour. Noting the number of stares they were attracting, Heero decided, 'And we need someplace a little more private to do that.' He had memorized the park map before they ever walked in the front gates, and now that bit of pre-planning stood him in good stead.
"Come on," Heero said gruffly, "let's go find somewhere a little more private to discuss this." Standing, he caught hold of Duo's elbow to direct him towards the restaurant he had in mind.
Duo yanked his elbow sharply out of Heero's grasp and answered sullenly, "Just go. I'll follow."
Meeting Wufei's eyes, Heero realized that the other teen was just as much at a loss as he was. Neither of them had any real idea how to fix this. Wufei motioned for Heero to lead the way, so he did. As he headed for the fanciest restaurant in the park - the guidebook had warned to allow a minimum of an hour just to be served the first course - Heero tried to ignore the nagging certainty that sooner or later, they would both run out of second chances. Assuming they could persuade Duo to forgive them this time, they couldn't afford to make any more mistakes.
As they entered the cool, dimly-lit restaurant, Wufei was thinking much the same thing. 'I cannot believe that we have messed things up this badly. We should have left the ball early last night and had all of these discussions safely over with before this. But I did not wish to make my apologies and declare my intentions in front of Yuy so I decided to wait until my first day alone with Duo. I am sure Yuy felt much the same way. Our pride has led us to this error. I - *we* - cannot afford any more mistakes. How many times can we expect Duo to forgive and give either of us another chance?'
Duo refused to even look at the menu. When asked what he wanted, he merely shrugged. He had no appetite whatsoever. If they ordered something for him, fine. If not, that was also fine. He'd skipped meals before. And he wasn't too sure he *could* eat right now anyway.
Ignoring the two teens currently stealing nervous glances at him, Duo leaned his head back against the back of the booth and closed his eyes. At least the back corner of the restaurant was quiet and fairly private. Whatever Heero wanted to "discuss" would remain between the three of them as long as they kept their voices down. 'Not that I have any intention of "discussing" *anything*. If they have something they want to say, they can go right ahead and say it. I've said everything I have to say on the subject. I have no intention of making things easy for them.'
After over two years of waiting and hoping without receiving any sort of positive sign from either of his loves, Duo did not hold out much hope that things would turn out okay now. The emotional ups and downs of the past couple of days were catching up to him. All he could think of right now were memories of Heero's and Wufei's past attitudes towards him and there really wasn't much positive stuff there to remember. When it came right down to it, neither of them had ever treated him as much more than an acquaintance. A not-particularly-well-liked acquaintance at that. Any overtures of friendship had always come from him and had been ignored at best. Today's events had only served to remind him of that bitter fact.
After placing their orders and one for Duo as well, Heero and Wufei exchanged glances. One of them was going to have to go first. Considering that most of what Duo had said seemed more directly applicable to *his* behaviour during the war, Wufei decided that it would be appropriate for him to make the first attempt at an apology.
"Duo, I..." Wufei stopped, sighed, then started again, "Please open your eyes and look at me, Duo." 'This would probably be easier if you didn't, but I certainly owe you the courtesy of apologizing face to face.'
Reluctantly, Duo opened his eyes and met Wufei's gaze. 'He looks upset, but how can I tell if he's upset because I've ruined his plans or because I've misunderstood his intentions? Do I even care at this point?
'Yes, unfortunately,' he decided unhappily. 'I'm totally pissed off at both of them and hurt as hell - but I still love them and a tiny little flicker of hope that we can somehow still work things out is refusing to go away.'
Uncomfortably aware of the complete silence from Duo, Wufei cleared his throat nervously. "Duo, I'm very sorry for my behaviour this morning. I allowed something that should have been just a bit of fun to turn into a competition and completely forgot about the whole reason I was here to begin with. You." Wufei paused for a moment, hoping for some sort of response from Duo. He didn't get one. 'Not a good sign,' he thought. 'I may have let this go too long already - but I *do* owe him an explanation and an apology for my past behaviour whether he's willing to give me another chance or not.'
"I'm not sure whether you know this or not, but before the war, I was married. It was an arranged marriage and - well, Meiran and I were *not* a good match." Still no discernible reaction from Duo, though Heero's head had lifted slightly. Coming from Yuy, that tiny indication of interest was as good as a loud gasp of surprise from someone else. Evidently Heero didn't know as much about his background as Wufei would have assumed he did. On the other hand, *he* didn't know very much about Yuy's background either, he realized abruptly.
"We both knew our duty to the clan, however, and did as the elders ordered. By the time Meiran was killed defending the colony against an attack, we had at least a grudging respect for one another. Had we not been forced into marriage, we might have been friends. But there was never any love between us." Flushing slightly, Wufei dropped his gaze to the tablecloth before he added, "Or any desire, though we did manage to consummate the marriage when the elders finally specifically ordered that we do so."
Wufei couldn't bring himself to check Heero's reaction to being privy to the intimate details of his marriage. He could barely bring himself to raise his eyes to Duo's again. "Discovering that I was attracted to a fellow Gundam pilot - to another *boy* - was a shock to me. Suddenly, I was feeling things that duty dictated I *should* have felt for my dead wife - and I was feeling them for someone that my clan would find totally inappropriate." Catching Duo's wince, he hurriedly explained, "Not because of anything to do with *you* personally - but because I was, since birth, determined to be one of those responsible for carrying on certain lineages within the clan. I was not supposed to *have* a choice in the matter of a life partner, let *alone* choose another male."
"As long as you were..." Wufei hastily discarded the first term to come to mind - saying that Duo was *pursuing* Yuy would *not* be an appropriate description - and continued cautiously, "...showing an interest in Yuy, I was able to pretend my attraction to you did not exist. I was somewhat more - irritable - with you than the others, but nothing too excessive."
Noting that Duo's set expression had shifted a bit, Wufei was somewhat encouraged. Duo was at the very least interested in what he had to say. That offered at least some hope that Duo would understand why Wufei had behaved so badly even if he was unwilling to forgive that behaviour.
"When you finally gave up on Yuy and then switched your - attention - to me, I truly did not know how to react." Wufei was trying very hard to watch his wording right now. He could not afford to be careless in his choice of words and end up *adding* to the hurt and insult that he had already given Duo. "Part of me wanted to respond positively to your - overtures - while my conscience screamed that even the wish to do so was a betrayal of Meiran and my duty to the clan. I was torn and confused."
Dropping his gaze to his hands resting on top of the table, fingers interlaced in an attempt to prevent nervous fidgeting, Wufei admitted softly, "In my confusion, I reacted badly. Very badly.
"Not only did I rebuff your overtures, I did so in a manner that was thoroughly unbecoming a member of the Dragon clan. I took all my confusion and my anger at myself out on you. I blew your behaviour entirely out of proportion and threw deliberately hurtful insults in your face. I was unnecessarily cruel and cutting. Later, I realized that what I *should* have done was explained to you that I was not currently prepared for a relationship and asked you to give me some time to come to terms with my feelings."
Forcing himself to meet Duo's gaze once again, Wufei finished, "The problem was not that your advances were unwelcome, Duo. The problem was that they were *too* welcome and I could not reconcile that with my duty to my clan and to Meiran's memory. I am truly sorry for my behaviour."
With a sinking heart, Wufei discovered that Duo's face was still nearly expressionless. He could pick up no real indication of Duo's reaction to either his explanation or his apology. The glance he stole at Heero out of the corner of his eye showed more reaction on *his* face than was currently visible on Duo's. Heero looked distinctly thoughtful at the moment, though the thoughts did not appear to be altogether pleasant.
Some of Wufei's explanation simply confirmed what he had already known, but the details were definitely new to Duo. He had assumed that there had been at least some affection between Wufei and his wife and that Wufei had been in mourning during the war. Instead, Wufei had apparently felt nothing more than grudging respect for her and had felt guilty because of that.
While Duo could sympathize with Wufei's confusion and could certainly understand now why he had reacted so strongly against Duo's advances, there was still something important missing from this explanation. Well, *two* somethings really. What, precisely, the "feelings" Wufei had alluded to were - was physical attraction, desire, all that was there, or had he felt something more? And if Wufei *did* have feelings for him, why had he waited so long to do anything about them? Without those two details, Duo wasn't too sure whether there was any possible future for the two of them.
Duo hadn't really intended to assist either Heero or Wufei with making their explanations at all, but he abruptly decided that perhaps expecting them to figure out everything he needed to know was asking a bit too much of them. "Two questions. First, why haven't you made any attempt to so much as get to know me better since the war, let alone explain any of this?"
Wufei cringed mentally at that question. He did not have a very good answer for it. 'Somehow, I don't think "I was waiting for you to make the first move" is going to go over too well. Unfortunately, it's the truth...'
Cautiously, Wufei began, "It took a while for me to finally come to terms with what I was feeling, and by then I was mixed up with Mariemaia's army. Afterwards, I was uncertain of what to do. You and Hilde seemed to be very close. And although you e-mailed us all regularly, it was always a message to the whole group. Never anything the least bit personal. It seemed very likely that I had destroyed any interest you had in me. It was only when I finally accepted that you really were *not* going to make any further attempts that I decided I would have to make the first move. But I could not bring myself to attempt it from a distance through e-mail or a phone call, so I waited for Relena's party when I could approach you in person. But Heero had the same idea and - well, it just didn't work out very well for either of us."
Carefully keeping his expression blank, Duo nodded slightly in acknowledgement. He was not particularly happy about the fact that Wufei had passively waited for him to make the first move, but then he supposed expecting romance from someone raised with the idea of arranged marriages was perhaps expecting too much. One big question left. "Is physical attraction - lust, to be more blunt - all you feel?" he blurted out abruptly.
Shocked, Wufei stared at Duo for a moment. Hadn't he made that clear already? That he loved Duo as he *should* have loved Meiran? Quickly reviewing his explanation, he discovered much to his dismay that he had *not*. In fact, he had more or less said instead that he desired - or, to use the less attractive term, lusted after - Duo in the way that he *should* have desired his wife.
"*NO!*" Wufei exclaimed fiercely, hastily dropping his volume before continuing, "Of course not! Dammit, I've managed to screw this up too...
"Duo, I..." Wufei threw a despairing glance in Yuy's direction. He *really* would have preferred not to have an audience for this. But it was quite clear that Yuy had no intention of politely wandering off for a few minutes, and he really couldn't blame him since *he* had no intention of considerately disappearing while Yuy confessed *his* feelings either. "Had it been only lust, I would not have *ever* made an attempt at making the first move. It was only the realization that my empty life would *stay* empty without you in it that finally prodded me into deciding to do something instead of just waiting." Throwing caution to the wind, Wufei hesitantly reached out to touch Duo's arm lightly as he told him earnestly, "I don't *just* desire you. I don't *just* want you in my bed. I want you in my *life*. I love you, Duo."
Duo's heart leapt in delight at Wufei's declaration. But his head cautioned that those words were easy to say, harder to prove. And reminded him that flinging himself across the booth to kiss Wufei without having even heard whatever Heero had to say would be a pretty clear declaration of a choice. Something he was *not* ready to make.
Meeting Wufei's anxious gaze, Duo sighed. "Okay. I accept your explanation and your apology. And I'm willing to give you a chance to prove your feelings to me. But Heero still has the opportunity to explain himself to me too, and if I accept what I hear, he'll have the same chance. And I've gotta warn you two - I can't take much more of this competitive crap. I'm *not* one of those prizes you were tryin' to win in that games arcade out there. *I* decide who I'm gonna be with, not you two. I don't *have* to pick *either* of you.
"I've got a perfectly good life waiting for me back on L2. A home, a thriving business, and a very good friend that I share those with. And that's what she is - a *friend*, almost a sister. Not a lover." Almost defiantly, he added, "I've *never* had a lover. I don't do casual sex. As far as I'm concerned, the commitment comes *first*. The emotions have to be there before I'll even consider it."
Staring at Duo's brightly flushed cheeks, Wufei put what Duo said together with his behaviour during the war and got an answer that left him even more horrified by his own past actions. 'If Duo believes that the emotions and the commitment come before sex - and he's never had a lover - yet he flirted and carried on with me the way he did... Oh my god... Chang, you *really* fucked this one up... He loved you then... Maybe - no, probably - still does, or he wouldn't bother giving you another chance...'
No wonder Duo had been so hurt by Wufei's behaviour both then and now. His *and* Yuy's. Oh shit. Duo had loved (still loved?) Yuy too according to *that* theory. Loved him *first*, in fact. Damn, did that ever complicate things.
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Title: Winning Duo
Chapter: 10/?
Author: Calic0cat <calic0cat@fastmail.fm>
Story Started: Jan. 2003
Genre: Yaoi, Romance, Humour, Angst
Pairings: Working towards 1x2x5; 3x4; 6x9; others may be implied
Rated: NC-17
Warnings: OOC, Swearing, Shifting POV
Archives: At Mediaminer.org under Calic0cat. Anyone with archive permission for my other fics can help themselves; anyone else, please ask.
Disclaimer: Duo and Heero and the rest of the GW gang aren't mine. This story is. Nuff said.
Notes: Starts one year after Endless Waltz. POV changes frequently.
'Thinking'
"Speaking"
*** Time passing or scene change
Author's Notes: I usually write 1x2x1, so a 1x2x5 is a first for me (well, writing one is - I've been reading them for quite a while now, that's the *only* threesome I actually *like*). This fic is courtesy of Quin, my romance/humour muse. Feedback is appreciated.
#################################################
Mind racing, Wufei frantically tried to come up with the words he needed to make Duo understand that he had completely misunderstood the situation. But there was, unfortunately, just enough truth in his accusations to make it very difficult to refute them. They *were* both competing over him. They *did* each want him in their arms and in their bed. And while he, at least, certainly wanted that to be a permanent thing, neither of them had made a point of making their intentions clear.
'I *never* considered him promiscuous - but some of the hurtful things I said in reaction to his flirting back then came very close to accusing him of that,' Wufei realized with dawning horror. 'And what he said about not being willing to "stoop" to the sort of behaviour he did back then - what does he mean by that? And that bitter crack about not being willing to do everything short of sitting up and begging just to get our attention?' Again, Wufei's own ill-considered words were coming back to haunt him. One particular jab about Duo being so desperate for attention that he should join Trowa at the circus since he'd be willing to jump through hoops just to hear the applause came to mind, making him flinch at the memory.
'Yet he never *did* go to truly exceptional lengths - certainly nothing that he should now be ashamed of,' Wufei thought. 'Oh, a few times he timed his showers so that he'd be walking by in just a towel when I went to take mine. And he would make a point of hanging around wherever I was if possible, whether out in the hangar making repairs or in the living room reading. He flirted and made suggestive remarks, wore tight pants and walked around with his shirt either undone or off... Nothing more than any other teenager with a crush would do, really...' But Wufei's own over-reaction to everything Duo had said or done could very well have convinced the other teen that he *had* been completely out of line.
Shocked at Duo's interpretation of events, Heero tried desperately to come up with an explanation that would straighten out the misunderstanding. But there wasn't a simple way to do that. 'We set ourselves up for this,' he realized unhappily. 'By ignoring past events and putting off dealing with our previous behaviour, we've left it up to him to try and guess what we really want. And our current behaviour hasn't exactly leant itself to particularly positive conclusions. We've been pushy and possessive and competitive. And on a day when we both intended to show him how much we've changed, that we can relax and have fun, that we're interested in him and want to make him happy, we have instead showed him just how *little* we've changed. That we're still driven and single-minded. That we can and will completely ignore him.'
There was no quick fix for this mess. They needed to make at least partial explanations of their past behaviour and apologize both for it and for their current poor behaviour. Noting the number of stares they were attracting, Heero decided, 'And we need someplace a little more private to do that.' He had memorized the park map before they ever walked in the front gates, and now that bit of pre-planning stood him in good stead.
"Come on," Heero said gruffly, "let's go find somewhere a little more private to discuss this." Standing, he caught hold of Duo's elbow to direct him towards the restaurant he had in mind.
Duo yanked his elbow sharply out of Heero's grasp and answered sullenly, "Just go. I'll follow."
Meeting Wufei's eyes, Heero realized that the other teen was just as much at a loss as he was. Neither of them had any real idea how to fix this. Wufei motioned for Heero to lead the way, so he did. As he headed for the fanciest restaurant in the park - the guidebook had warned to allow a minimum of an hour just to be served the first course - Heero tried to ignore the nagging certainty that sooner or later, they would both run out of second chances. Assuming they could persuade Duo to forgive them this time, they couldn't afford to make any more mistakes.
As they entered the cool, dimly-lit restaurant, Wufei was thinking much the same thing. 'I cannot believe that we have messed things up this badly. We should have left the ball early last night and had all of these discussions safely over with before this. But I did not wish to make my apologies and declare my intentions in front of Yuy so I decided to wait until my first day alone with Duo. I am sure Yuy felt much the same way. Our pride has led us to this error. I - *we* - cannot afford any more mistakes. How many times can we expect Duo to forgive and give either of us another chance?'
Duo refused to even look at the menu. When asked what he wanted, he merely shrugged. He had no appetite whatsoever. If they ordered something for him, fine. If not, that was also fine. He'd skipped meals before. And he wasn't too sure he *could* eat right now anyway.
Ignoring the two teens currently stealing nervous glances at him, Duo leaned his head back against the back of the booth and closed his eyes. At least the back corner of the restaurant was quiet and fairly private. Whatever Heero wanted to "discuss" would remain between the three of them as long as they kept their voices down. 'Not that I have any intention of "discussing" *anything*. If they have something they want to say, they can go right ahead and say it. I've said everything I have to say on the subject. I have no intention of making things easy for them.'
After over two years of waiting and hoping without receiving any sort of positive sign from either of his loves, Duo did not hold out much hope that things would turn out okay now. The emotional ups and downs of the past couple of days were catching up to him. All he could think of right now were memories of Heero's and Wufei's past attitudes towards him and there really wasn't much positive stuff there to remember. When it came right down to it, neither of them had ever treated him as much more than an acquaintance. A not-particularly-well-liked acquaintance at that. Any overtures of friendship had always come from him and had been ignored at best. Today's events had only served to remind him of that bitter fact.
After placing their orders and one for Duo as well, Heero and Wufei exchanged glances. One of them was going to have to go first. Considering that most of what Duo had said seemed more directly applicable to *his* behaviour during the war, Wufei decided that it would be appropriate for him to make the first attempt at an apology.
"Duo, I..." Wufei stopped, sighed, then started again, "Please open your eyes and look at me, Duo." 'This would probably be easier if you didn't, but I certainly owe you the courtesy of apologizing face to face.'
Reluctantly, Duo opened his eyes and met Wufei's gaze. 'He looks upset, but how can I tell if he's upset because I've ruined his plans or because I've misunderstood his intentions? Do I even care at this point?
'Yes, unfortunately,' he decided unhappily. 'I'm totally pissed off at both of them and hurt as hell - but I still love them and a tiny little flicker of hope that we can somehow still work things out is refusing to go away.'
Uncomfortably aware of the complete silence from Duo, Wufei cleared his throat nervously. "Duo, I'm very sorry for my behaviour this morning. I allowed something that should have been just a bit of fun to turn into a competition and completely forgot about the whole reason I was here to begin with. You." Wufei paused for a moment, hoping for some sort of response from Duo. He didn't get one. 'Not a good sign,' he thought. 'I may have let this go too long already - but I *do* owe him an explanation and an apology for my past behaviour whether he's willing to give me another chance or not.'
"I'm not sure whether you know this or not, but before the war, I was married. It was an arranged marriage and - well, Meiran and I were *not* a good match." Still no discernible reaction from Duo, though Heero's head had lifted slightly. Coming from Yuy, that tiny indication of interest was as good as a loud gasp of surprise from someone else. Evidently Heero didn't know as much about his background as Wufei would have assumed he did. On the other hand, *he* didn't know very much about Yuy's background either, he realized abruptly.
"We both knew our duty to the clan, however, and did as the elders ordered. By the time Meiran was killed defending the colony against an attack, we had at least a grudging respect for one another. Had we not been forced into marriage, we might have been friends. But there was never any love between us." Flushing slightly, Wufei dropped his gaze to the tablecloth before he added, "Or any desire, though we did manage to consummate the marriage when the elders finally specifically ordered that we do so."
Wufei couldn't bring himself to check Heero's reaction to being privy to the intimate details of his marriage. He could barely bring himself to raise his eyes to Duo's again. "Discovering that I was attracted to a fellow Gundam pilot - to another *boy* - was a shock to me. Suddenly, I was feeling things that duty dictated I *should* have felt for my dead wife - and I was feeling them for someone that my clan would find totally inappropriate." Catching Duo's wince, he hurriedly explained, "Not because of anything to do with *you* personally - but because I was, since birth, determined to be one of those responsible for carrying on certain lineages within the clan. I was not supposed to *have* a choice in the matter of a life partner, let *alone* choose another male."
"As long as you were..." Wufei hastily discarded the first term to come to mind - saying that Duo was *pursuing* Yuy would *not* be an appropriate description - and continued cautiously, "...showing an interest in Yuy, I was able to pretend my attraction to you did not exist. I was somewhat more - irritable - with you than the others, but nothing too excessive."
Noting that Duo's set expression had shifted a bit, Wufei was somewhat encouraged. Duo was at the very least interested in what he had to say. That offered at least some hope that Duo would understand why Wufei had behaved so badly even if he was unwilling to forgive that behaviour.
"When you finally gave up on Yuy and then switched your - attention - to me, I truly did not know how to react." Wufei was trying very hard to watch his wording right now. He could not afford to be careless in his choice of words and end up *adding* to the hurt and insult that he had already given Duo. "Part of me wanted to respond positively to your - overtures - while my conscience screamed that even the wish to do so was a betrayal of Meiran and my duty to the clan. I was torn and confused."
Dropping his gaze to his hands resting on top of the table, fingers interlaced in an attempt to prevent nervous fidgeting, Wufei admitted softly, "In my confusion, I reacted badly. Very badly.
"Not only did I rebuff your overtures, I did so in a manner that was thoroughly unbecoming a member of the Dragon clan. I took all my confusion and my anger at myself out on you. I blew your behaviour entirely out of proportion and threw deliberately hurtful insults in your face. I was unnecessarily cruel and cutting. Later, I realized that what I *should* have done was explained to you that I was not currently prepared for a relationship and asked you to give me some time to come to terms with my feelings."
Forcing himself to meet Duo's gaze once again, Wufei finished, "The problem was not that your advances were unwelcome, Duo. The problem was that they were *too* welcome and I could not reconcile that with my duty to my clan and to Meiran's memory. I am truly sorry for my behaviour."
With a sinking heart, Wufei discovered that Duo's face was still nearly expressionless. He could pick up no real indication of Duo's reaction to either his explanation or his apology. The glance he stole at Heero out of the corner of his eye showed more reaction on *his* face than was currently visible on Duo's. Heero looked distinctly thoughtful at the moment, though the thoughts did not appear to be altogether pleasant.
Some of Wufei's explanation simply confirmed what he had already known, but the details were definitely new to Duo. He had assumed that there had been at least some affection between Wufei and his wife and that Wufei had been in mourning during the war. Instead, Wufei had apparently felt nothing more than grudging respect for her and had felt guilty because of that.
While Duo could sympathize with Wufei's confusion and could certainly understand now why he had reacted so strongly against Duo's advances, there was still something important missing from this explanation. Well, *two* somethings really. What, precisely, the "feelings" Wufei had alluded to were - was physical attraction, desire, all that was there, or had he felt something more? And if Wufei *did* have feelings for him, why had he waited so long to do anything about them? Without those two details, Duo wasn't too sure whether there was any possible future for the two of them.
Duo hadn't really intended to assist either Heero or Wufei with making their explanations at all, but he abruptly decided that perhaps expecting them to figure out everything he needed to know was asking a bit too much of them. "Two questions. First, why haven't you made any attempt to so much as get to know me better since the war, let alone explain any of this?"
Wufei cringed mentally at that question. He did not have a very good answer for it. 'Somehow, I don't think "I was waiting for you to make the first move" is going to go over too well. Unfortunately, it's the truth...'
Cautiously, Wufei began, "It took a while for me to finally come to terms with what I was feeling, and by then I was mixed up with Mariemaia's army. Afterwards, I was uncertain of what to do. You and Hilde seemed to be very close. And although you e-mailed us all regularly, it was always a message to the whole group. Never anything the least bit personal. It seemed very likely that I had destroyed any interest you had in me. It was only when I finally accepted that you really were *not* going to make any further attempts that I decided I would have to make the first move. But I could not bring myself to attempt it from a distance through e-mail or a phone call, so I waited for Relena's party when I could approach you in person. But Heero had the same idea and - well, it just didn't work out very well for either of us."
Carefully keeping his expression blank, Duo nodded slightly in acknowledgement. He was not particularly happy about the fact that Wufei had passively waited for him to make the first move, but then he supposed expecting romance from someone raised with the idea of arranged marriages was perhaps expecting too much. One big question left. "Is physical attraction - lust, to be more blunt - all you feel?" he blurted out abruptly.
Shocked, Wufei stared at Duo for a moment. Hadn't he made that clear already? That he loved Duo as he *should* have loved Meiran? Quickly reviewing his explanation, he discovered much to his dismay that he had *not*. In fact, he had more or less said instead that he desired - or, to use the less attractive term, lusted after - Duo in the way that he *should* have desired his wife.
"*NO!*" Wufei exclaimed fiercely, hastily dropping his volume before continuing, "Of course not! Dammit, I've managed to screw this up too...
"Duo, I..." Wufei threw a despairing glance in Yuy's direction. He *really* would have preferred not to have an audience for this. But it was quite clear that Yuy had no intention of politely wandering off for a few minutes, and he really couldn't blame him since *he* had no intention of considerately disappearing while Yuy confessed *his* feelings either. "Had it been only lust, I would not have *ever* made an attempt at making the first move. It was only the realization that my empty life would *stay* empty without you in it that finally prodded me into deciding to do something instead of just waiting." Throwing caution to the wind, Wufei hesitantly reached out to touch Duo's arm lightly as he told him earnestly, "I don't *just* desire you. I don't *just* want you in my bed. I want you in my *life*. I love you, Duo."
Duo's heart leapt in delight at Wufei's declaration. But his head cautioned that those words were easy to say, harder to prove. And reminded him that flinging himself across the booth to kiss Wufei without having even heard whatever Heero had to say would be a pretty clear declaration of a choice. Something he was *not* ready to make.
Meeting Wufei's anxious gaze, Duo sighed. "Okay. I accept your explanation and your apology. And I'm willing to give you a chance to prove your feelings to me. But Heero still has the opportunity to explain himself to me too, and if I accept what I hear, he'll have the same chance. And I've gotta warn you two - I can't take much more of this competitive crap. I'm *not* one of those prizes you were tryin' to win in that games arcade out there. *I* decide who I'm gonna be with, not you two. I don't *have* to pick *either* of you.
"I've got a perfectly good life waiting for me back on L2. A home, a thriving business, and a very good friend that I share those with. And that's what she is - a *friend*, almost a sister. Not a lover." Almost defiantly, he added, "I've *never* had a lover. I don't do casual sex. As far as I'm concerned, the commitment comes *first*. The emotions have to be there before I'll even consider it."
Staring at Duo's brightly flushed cheeks, Wufei put what Duo said together with his behaviour during the war and got an answer that left him even more horrified by his own past actions. 'If Duo believes that the emotions and the commitment come before sex - and he's never had a lover - yet he flirted and carried on with me the way he did... Oh my god... Chang, you *really* fucked this one up... He loved you then... Maybe - no, probably - still does, or he wouldn't bother giving you another chance...'
No wonder Duo had been so hurt by Wufei's behaviour both then and now. His *and* Yuy's. Oh shit. Duo had loved (still loved?) Yuy too according to *that* theory. Loved him *first*, in fact. Damn, did that ever complicate things.
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