Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Winning Duo ❯ Chapter 11
[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]
By: Calic0cat 
Anime/Manga: Gundam Wing Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Angst / / Romance | Type: Continuation | Uploaded On: 02.03.2003 | Pages: 2 | Words: 3.6K | Visits: 1.5K | Status: Completed
Anime/Manga: Gundam Wing Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Angst / / Romance | Type: Continuation | Uploaded On: 02.03.2003 | Pages: 2 | Words: 3.6K | Visits: 1.5K | Status: Completed
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Title: Winning Duo
Chapter: 11/?
Author: Calic0cat <calic0cat@fastmail.fm>
Story Started: Jan. 2003
Genre: Yaoi, Romance, Humour, Angst
Pairings: Working towards 1x2x5; 3x4; 6x9; others may be implied
Rated: NC-17
Warnings: OOC, Swearing, Shifting POV
Archives: At Mediaminer.org under Calic0cat. Anyone with archive permission for my other fics can help themselves; anyone else, please ask.
Disclaimer: Duo and Heero and the rest of the GW gang aren't mine. This story is. Nuff said.
Notes: Starts one year after Endless Waltz. POV changes frequently.
'Thinking'
"Speaking"
*** Time passing or scene change
Author's Notes: I usually write 1x2x1, so a 1x2x5 is a first for me (well, writing one is - I've been reading them for quite a while now, that's the *only* threesome I actually *like*). This fic is courtesy of Quin, my romance/humour muse. Feedback is appreciated.
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Heero had silently listened to Wufei's entire explanation. He had learned quite a bit more about the other teen's past - for one thing, he had certainly never known that Wufei had been married. And it was a definite shock to discover that Wufei's rejection of Duo had been caused by the same thing as his own - confusion. Oh, the reasons behind the confusion were different, and the method of expression was certainly completely different, but it was disturbing how similar the two of them were. And even more disturbing to discover that he sympathized with his rival's situation.
Although Heero had initially been grateful that Wufei had chosen to go first in offering his explanation and apology, he became less happy with his own decision to wait as Wufei's explanation drew to a close and Duo forced him into an unequivocal declaration of his feelings. For a heart-stopping moment as Duo accepted Wufei's words and agreed to give him a second chance, Heero feared that he had lost his own chance entirely. In fact, in his overwhelming relief at Duo's statement that he too would have an equal chance to explain, he nearly missed hearing and understanding the rest of Duo's words.
'Never had a lover... doesn't do casual sex... commitment comes first... the emotions have to be there...' Heero clenched his fists tight enough to cut his palms with his own fingernails as the import of Duo's statement sank in. Duo had loved him back then. Had loved him *first*. And he had blown his opportunity.
It had been bad enough believing that Duo had been merely attracted to him and that he had ignored his chance to claim Duo and forge something deeper and more permanent out of that attraction. Knowing that the deeper emotions had *been* there and that he had wasted that opportunity was far, far worse.
The awful realization that he could have had Duo beside him through that unsettling first year of peace... The knowledge that he could have had Duo there to help him through the memories stirred up by the return to battle against Mariemaia's forces... The recognition that, if he had just managed to drop the damn icy facade for a few fucking minutes to ask for a little more time, he could have had Duo in his bed and at his side for over two fucking *years* instead of spending that time alone and, if not precisely *miserable*, pretty damn close to it... Heero closed his eyes for a moment in silent protest at the wastefulness of it all. 'And the damn message that made my laptop beep that day and distracted me from doing just that was nothing more than a reading confirmation message for the report I had sent J earlier that day. It wasn't even something important!'
"Heero? Heero?"
Snapping his eyes open again, Heero realized abruptly that he currently had two very intent gazes fixed on him. He was guessing that Duo must have called his name several times before he heard him since Duo looked somewhere between perturbed and concerned. 'Shit, Yuy, you have to pay closer attention. He's *already* upset over being ignored, the *last* thing you need to do is make him think you're deliberately shutting him out again!'
"I'm sorry, Duo, I was just - recalling some of the mistakes I've made," Heero told him.
Duo nodded slightly in acceptance of Heero's explanation. He had been distinctly unhappy that Heero was apparently ignoring him again, but he could believe that something either Wufei or himself had said might have made Heero become lost in thought. Heero looked as upset as he had ever seen him. Which, of course, meant that to the casual observer, he would seem completely expressionless. Only those who knew him quite well - or were so lovesick that they'd spent hours studying his expression, Duo thought self-disparagingly - would realize that he was displaying *any* emotion whatsoever.
"For my behaviour today, I am very sorry Duo," Heero offered quietly. "I did not intentionally ignore you. The single-minded concentration that I was trained to use on missions is not appropriate in other situations, but I have had great difficulty breaking the habit. Living alone has not made it any easier," he admitted.
Drawing a deep breath to help centre himself, Heero tried to marshal his thoughts. Explaining himself to Duo alone would have been difficult enough. Doing so in front of Chang was even more so. He just hoped that it would not prove *too* difficult for him to manage.
"My earliest memories involve guns and killing," Heero began abruptly. "Presumably at some point I must have had parents, but I have no memories prior to being combination cover story and apprentice for an assassin. When an assignment went wrong and he was killed, J found me. And so I went straight from guns and death to more guns and death." Heero dropped his eyes to the tablecloth, not wanting to see either pity or revulsion in either of the gazes currently directed at him.
"I was supposed to be a weapon for the colonies. Nothing more, nothing less. Emotions were useless at best, a hindrance at worst, so my trainers set out to extinguish any trace of emotion that I ever displayed. While I eventually learned to hide my emotions, I did not have the opportunity to experience a very wide range of them to begin with. Contact with anyone other than my trainers was severely limited and strictly monitored on those rare occasions that it could not be avoided. On the one occasion that I *did* avoid surveillance briefly while on a training mission, I met a young girl out walking her puppy." With an effort, Heero kept his voice flat and level as he continued, "She was kind to me. I had not realized that people could be kind without some sort of ulterior motive. I think the flower she gave me was the first thing anyone ever gave me freely, without a price attached to it."
Heero flicked a quick glance at Duo despite himself. While Duo was listening intently, he could not read Duo's reaction from his expression any more than he was able to read it when Chang was speaking. 'I am so accustomed to him showing his emotions clearly that I don't know how to read them when he is keeping them in check,' Heero thought. He had realized before that Duo too was capable of hiding his feelings behind a mask - though unfortunately not until after he had blown his chance with him - but it hurt to realize Duo was deliberately doing so now. Stealing a glance at Wufei provided no better results. Wufei had his hands steepled in front of his face in such a manner as to hide his expression. Heero was not even certain what reaction he wanted either of them to have. Pity from a rival would be almost as bad as pity from the one he loved. But revulsion would be even worse.
Drawing a steadying breath and dropping his gaze again, Heero continued, "The mission I was on went wrong. I made an error in judgement. The base was destroyed, but one of the exploding suits fell into a civilian apartment building next door to the base." Under the table, he clenched his fists tightly to prevent them from shaking and forced himself to go on. "The building was destroyed. There were no survivors. I returned carrying the flower and the dead puppy. My mistake resulted in - intensive - retraining." Raising his eyes briefly, Heero said bitterly, "If you think I mean my mistake that resulted in the apartment building's destruction, you're wrong. The mistake that required retraining was grieving for the civilian casualties. Weapons have no use for human kindness, after all."
Duo fought to control his expression as Heero clinically detailed a past that was utterly devoid of any form of even the mildest of affection. His own past was far from pleasant, but he had at least known love and caring first from the other members of the pack of street kids under Solo's leadership and later from Father and Sister Helen at the Maxwell Church Orphanage. Heero's so-called childhood made his own look like something out of an old TV sitcom. He wasn't sure how to react though. Pity would almost certainly not be welcomed. And considering that J was already dead, he couldn't very well do any of the things he would very much like to right now. Too bad. The L2 rat population wouldn't have minded if their dinner was a bit stringy and did a lot of screaming while they enjoyed it. And the street kids would have got a good few meals out of the payment for whatever scraps of metal and so on that the rats left behind.
Hiding behind his steepled hands, Wufei was dismayed at Heero's recounting of his past. His clan may have emphasized duty and honour over love and affection, but he had never doubted that his parents *did* care for him. 'O was never particularly warm towards me, but he had a strong sense of honour and treated me accordingly. Obviously, J had *no* honour whatsoever.' Wufei was certain that there was a great deal more behind Heero's very brief statements. The entire explanation sounded very much like a mission report. 'Of course,' he realized, 'that's how he's managing to relate something so personal. Remove the personal aspect, make it a completely accurate but very efficient report.'
Heero's heart sank as he still could find no clear indication of Duo's reaction to his story. He stopped speaking, wondering whether there was any point in continuing. If Duo was revolted by his past, further explanations would be meaningless.
Seeing a tiny flicker of something - fear, maybe? or despair? - pass over Heero's face, Duo realized that he was going to have to give him some encouragement. This was quite possibly the most he had *ever* heard Heero say at once. Revealing this much of himself to Duo had to be extremely difficult for Heero. And doing so in front of Wufei would only make it more difficult. Expecting Heero to make his entire explanation before receiving any indication of Duo's reaction was asking too much of the other teen. Yet at the same time, Duo did not want to risk making Wufei feel left out and rejected.
Reaching out, Duo caught hold of Wufei's wrist and tugged him along the U-shaped seat towards him at the same time as he slid along the seat and around the curved corner towards Heero. He didn't stop moving until he was right next to Heero, bodies lightly touching from knee right up to shoulder. And he didn't release Wufei's wrist until he was in the same position on Duo's other side.
Initially startled by Duo's sudden movement, Heero relaxed slightly in relief as Duo took up position close beside him. Judging by Wufei's startled yelp at Duo's actions in grabbing his wrist and dragging him along too, Wufei had also been caught off-guard. With Duo's indication of support and acceptance of at least this much of his explanation, Heero was sufficiently encouraged to continue.
"By the time I was sent to Earth for Operation Meteor, it had been thoroughly drilled into me that soldiers had no use for emotions. Then I met you, Duo. According to everything I had been taught, there was no way you could be an effective soldier. You laughed, you smiled, you frowned, you showed *everything* you felt, and you *felt* everything. I figured out eventually that sometimes you used one emotion to mask another, but at first it seemed as if your every feeling was on display for the whole world to see. There was no *way* that you could be an effective solder. But you were."
Heero spread his hands helplessly, momentarily forgetting the marks on his palms, as he said, "Duo, you made a mockery of everything I'd been taught! I didn't know *what* to think or how to react. You fascinated me and angered me at the same time. I'm sorry that I ignored you and shut you out, but I didn't know how to react appropriately to you. At times, it was a matter of either pretending you didn't exist or hauling off and slugging you. I really didn't *want* to hit you, and the former at least left other options open for the future.
"You had me completely lost and confused. If you could be a good soldier and have emotions, then my training was *wrong*. I started to *feel* things - to *want* things. I was *almost* ready to try responding to your offers of friendship - and then you started flirting with me, and stirred up even *more* emotions. I didn't know what all these feelings were even *called* and it wasn't like there was anyone I could *ask*. Mentioning them to J would have just got me ordered in for retraining again and while I might have been his obedient little puppet most of the time, *that* stupid I *wasn't*. There was no way in *hell* I was going through *that* again. I was finally reduced to looking up definitions of different emotions and trying to match them up with what I was feeling."
At this point, Heero had virtually forgotten Wufei's presence. Duo's rearrangement of the seating had shifted him from being directly in Heero's field of vision to being mostly hidden on Duo's far side. The small part of Heero's consciousness that recalled Wufei deliberately chose to pretend he wasn't there. The rest of this would be far easier to say that way.
Heero's voice had risen slightly as he spoke, but now it dropped again, becoming distinctly regretful. "I was just starting to make some sense out of it all. Then you stopped. Stopped flirting, stopped trying to draw me out, stopped *everything*. I didn't know what to do, how to react, so I didn't do anything. I just kept going as if nothing had changed. But things *had* changed.
"When you started flirting with Wufei, it didn't take me long to track down *that* new set of emotions. Jealousy. And regret. Working backwards from those, I finally found the names for at least some of what had me so confused before and still threatened to overwhelm me." Heero's voice became softer still, little more than a whisper as he named them off, "Attraction. Desire. Respect. Friendship. Love."
Heero was silent for a moment, then said quietly, "When Wufei managed to drive you off too, I dared to hope I might get another chance. I kept waiting, hoping against hope that someday you would give some indication that you were still interested. But anytime you had contact with me, you were so impersonally friendly... I *know* I should have made the first move myself earlier, but I didn't know *how*. By the time I finally became sufficiently miserable to work up the nerve to *try*, Wufei had reached the same point and we ended up spending all of our time blocking each other..." Heero let his voice trail off miserably. There really wasn't anything else he could say to plead his case.
Stunned, Duo realized that much of what had gone wrong with his attempts to attract first Heero, then Wufei had been *his own fault*. He had pushed too hard, tried to move too fast, and left them both too confused to respond appropriately to his advances. Had he taken things slower, built a solid friendship *first*, things would have probably worked out from the start.
But then, had he done that, he would have been with Heero all along and never even let Wufei know that he was interested. And if Wufei had really been attracted to him - albeit reluctantly - and if that attraction had developed into more even without him showing an interest, that would have still left Wufei unhappy and alone. And Duo wasn't entirely certain that he could have completely buried his own interest in Wufei. Not enough to keep Heero from noticing that there was something wrong. And that could have led to a whole *other* set of problems.
Sensing Heero starting to tense up beside him, Duo realized with a start that he was taking too long to respond to Heero's explanation. "I understand Heero. I wish you'd been able to just ask me to slow things down a bit, but I understand why you couldn't. I accept your apology and your explanation and I'm willing to give you a chance to prove your feelings to me, the same chance I'm giving Wufei. But you guys are going to have to cooperate a little here. I don't want to be caught in the middle, understood?"
Heero nodded in quick agreement as Duo looked back and forth between him and Wufei. Whatever it took, he would do. He would *not* risk losing this chance.
Wufei nodded his own agreement to Duo's request. If Duo really loved them both, any conflict between himself and Heero would inevitably end up hurting Duo. They had both done quite enough of that already.
Satisfied with their responses, Duo said firmly, "Good. Now, it seems to me that our orders should be coming pretty soon - uh, you guys *did* go ahead and order something for me, I hope?" Receiving nods in response, he grinned sheepishly and said, "Good thing, 'cause now that we've got a few things straightened out I'm feeling kind of hungry after all."
"But first, I think we'd better take turns getting washed up. Amusement parks aren't exactly the cleanest of places. And somebody'd better stay at the table in case they bring our order." Duo caught hold of one of Heero's hands and turned the palm upwards. "You first. Go clean those cuts, buster."
Heero flushed in embarrassment. He had hoped that neither of them had noticed what he had done to his hands. Yet at the same time, he was glad Duo *had* noticed and had cared enough to say something. Emotions were confusing things at times. Rising from the table, he headed off to wash up.
Before Heero had time to get very far, Duo turned to Wufei. "You too. But see if they've got a first aid kit around here someplace first and take care of his hands while you're back there."
Wufei gaped in astonishment. "Me? Why should I..."
Duo placed one hand over Wufei's mouth and told him sternly, "Because if *I* go, one or both of you is going to think I'm playing favourites and somebody's going to end up feeling hurt. *And* because he needs to know that you're not disgusted by what he just told us. You *are* his partner on Preventers missions usually, right? The one responsible for getting him back in one piece and seeing to it that he gets patched up if necessary?"
Shit. Duo was right, Wufei realized. He nodded in acknowledgement, then slid out of the seat and went in search of an employee to request a first aid kit.
Duo sagged against the seat back in relief. He hadn't been sure whether he could persuade Wufei to look after Heero. But he'd seen the glances Heero had been shooting at *both* of them as he spoke. Heero didn't make friends easily and even if he and Wufei weren't very close, Duo figured Heero *did* care what Wufei thought of him. 'Fei taking care of those cuts should be enough to reassure Heero even if he told him that Duo made him do it.
Drumming his fingers against the table thoughtfully, Duo considered the day so far. It certainly hadn't gone the way *any* of them would have hoped. But that might prove just as well in the long run. The explanations were out in the open now. He slowed the rhythm of his fingers as he realized abruptly that that was not *entirely* an accurate statement. To be fair, he really should do some explaining of his own.
Obviously one or both of them knew *something* about his background since they'd suggested sending the plushies to an orphanage specifically, but if *their* knowledge of his past was as patchy as his of theirs had turned out to be, it would be best to set the record straight. 'Sometimes, knowing a little bit is worse than not knowing anything. How's that old saying go - "Just enough knowledge to be dangerous"? I thought I knew quite a bit about them - and I did. But the *gaps* in that knowledge led me to expect too much of them and to make some incorrect assumptions about their behaviour.'
First, they'd see what could be salvaged of their plans for a day of fun at the amusement park. But later on, Duo decided, he would have to do his *own* bit of explaining. Which would be anything *but* fun.
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Title: Winning Duo
Chapter: 11/?
Author: Calic0cat <calic0cat@fastmail.fm>
Story Started: Jan. 2003
Genre: Yaoi, Romance, Humour, Angst
Pairings: Working towards 1x2x5; 3x4; 6x9; others may be implied
Rated: NC-17
Warnings: OOC, Swearing, Shifting POV
Archives: At Mediaminer.org under Calic0cat. Anyone with archive permission for my other fics can help themselves; anyone else, please ask.
Disclaimer: Duo and Heero and the rest of the GW gang aren't mine. This story is. Nuff said.
Notes: Starts one year after Endless Waltz. POV changes frequently.
'Thinking'
"Speaking"
*** Time passing or scene change
Author's Notes: I usually write 1x2x1, so a 1x2x5 is a first for me (well, writing one is - I've been reading them for quite a while now, that's the *only* threesome I actually *like*). This fic is courtesy of Quin, my romance/humour muse. Feedback is appreciated.
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Heero had silently listened to Wufei's entire explanation. He had learned quite a bit more about the other teen's past - for one thing, he had certainly never known that Wufei had been married. And it was a definite shock to discover that Wufei's rejection of Duo had been caused by the same thing as his own - confusion. Oh, the reasons behind the confusion were different, and the method of expression was certainly completely different, but it was disturbing how similar the two of them were. And even more disturbing to discover that he sympathized with his rival's situation.
Although Heero had initially been grateful that Wufei had chosen to go first in offering his explanation and apology, he became less happy with his own decision to wait as Wufei's explanation drew to a close and Duo forced him into an unequivocal declaration of his feelings. For a heart-stopping moment as Duo accepted Wufei's words and agreed to give him a second chance, Heero feared that he had lost his own chance entirely. In fact, in his overwhelming relief at Duo's statement that he too would have an equal chance to explain, he nearly missed hearing and understanding the rest of Duo's words.
'Never had a lover... doesn't do casual sex... commitment comes first... the emotions have to be there...' Heero clenched his fists tight enough to cut his palms with his own fingernails as the import of Duo's statement sank in. Duo had loved him back then. Had loved him *first*. And he had blown his opportunity.
It had been bad enough believing that Duo had been merely attracted to him and that he had ignored his chance to claim Duo and forge something deeper and more permanent out of that attraction. Knowing that the deeper emotions had *been* there and that he had wasted that opportunity was far, far worse.
The awful realization that he could have had Duo beside him through that unsettling first year of peace... The knowledge that he could have had Duo there to help him through the memories stirred up by the return to battle against Mariemaia's forces... The recognition that, if he had just managed to drop the damn icy facade for a few fucking minutes to ask for a little more time, he could have had Duo in his bed and at his side for over two fucking *years* instead of spending that time alone and, if not precisely *miserable*, pretty damn close to it... Heero closed his eyes for a moment in silent protest at the wastefulness of it all. 'And the damn message that made my laptop beep that day and distracted me from doing just that was nothing more than a reading confirmation message for the report I had sent J earlier that day. It wasn't even something important!'
"Heero? Heero?"
Snapping his eyes open again, Heero realized abruptly that he currently had two very intent gazes fixed on him. He was guessing that Duo must have called his name several times before he heard him since Duo looked somewhere between perturbed and concerned. 'Shit, Yuy, you have to pay closer attention. He's *already* upset over being ignored, the *last* thing you need to do is make him think you're deliberately shutting him out again!'
"I'm sorry, Duo, I was just - recalling some of the mistakes I've made," Heero told him.
Duo nodded slightly in acceptance of Heero's explanation. He had been distinctly unhappy that Heero was apparently ignoring him again, but he could believe that something either Wufei or himself had said might have made Heero become lost in thought. Heero looked as upset as he had ever seen him. Which, of course, meant that to the casual observer, he would seem completely expressionless. Only those who knew him quite well - or were so lovesick that they'd spent hours studying his expression, Duo thought self-disparagingly - would realize that he was displaying *any* emotion whatsoever.
"For my behaviour today, I am very sorry Duo," Heero offered quietly. "I did not intentionally ignore you. The single-minded concentration that I was trained to use on missions is not appropriate in other situations, but I have had great difficulty breaking the habit. Living alone has not made it any easier," he admitted.
Drawing a deep breath to help centre himself, Heero tried to marshal his thoughts. Explaining himself to Duo alone would have been difficult enough. Doing so in front of Chang was even more so. He just hoped that it would not prove *too* difficult for him to manage.
"My earliest memories involve guns and killing," Heero began abruptly. "Presumably at some point I must have had parents, but I have no memories prior to being combination cover story and apprentice for an assassin. When an assignment went wrong and he was killed, J found me. And so I went straight from guns and death to more guns and death." Heero dropped his eyes to the tablecloth, not wanting to see either pity or revulsion in either of the gazes currently directed at him.
"I was supposed to be a weapon for the colonies. Nothing more, nothing less. Emotions were useless at best, a hindrance at worst, so my trainers set out to extinguish any trace of emotion that I ever displayed. While I eventually learned to hide my emotions, I did not have the opportunity to experience a very wide range of them to begin with. Contact with anyone other than my trainers was severely limited and strictly monitored on those rare occasions that it could not be avoided. On the one occasion that I *did* avoid surveillance briefly while on a training mission, I met a young girl out walking her puppy." With an effort, Heero kept his voice flat and level as he continued, "She was kind to me. I had not realized that people could be kind without some sort of ulterior motive. I think the flower she gave me was the first thing anyone ever gave me freely, without a price attached to it."
Heero flicked a quick glance at Duo despite himself. While Duo was listening intently, he could not read Duo's reaction from his expression any more than he was able to read it when Chang was speaking. 'I am so accustomed to him showing his emotions clearly that I don't know how to read them when he is keeping them in check,' Heero thought. He had realized before that Duo too was capable of hiding his feelings behind a mask - though unfortunately not until after he had blown his chance with him - but it hurt to realize Duo was deliberately doing so now. Stealing a glance at Wufei provided no better results. Wufei had his hands steepled in front of his face in such a manner as to hide his expression. Heero was not even certain what reaction he wanted either of them to have. Pity from a rival would be almost as bad as pity from the one he loved. But revulsion would be even worse.
Drawing a steadying breath and dropping his gaze again, Heero continued, "The mission I was on went wrong. I made an error in judgement. The base was destroyed, but one of the exploding suits fell into a civilian apartment building next door to the base." Under the table, he clenched his fists tightly to prevent them from shaking and forced himself to go on. "The building was destroyed. There were no survivors. I returned carrying the flower and the dead puppy. My mistake resulted in - intensive - retraining." Raising his eyes briefly, Heero said bitterly, "If you think I mean my mistake that resulted in the apartment building's destruction, you're wrong. The mistake that required retraining was grieving for the civilian casualties. Weapons have no use for human kindness, after all."
Duo fought to control his expression as Heero clinically detailed a past that was utterly devoid of any form of even the mildest of affection. His own past was far from pleasant, but he had at least known love and caring first from the other members of the pack of street kids under Solo's leadership and later from Father and Sister Helen at the Maxwell Church Orphanage. Heero's so-called childhood made his own look like something out of an old TV sitcom. He wasn't sure how to react though. Pity would almost certainly not be welcomed. And considering that J was already dead, he couldn't very well do any of the things he would very much like to right now. Too bad. The L2 rat population wouldn't have minded if their dinner was a bit stringy and did a lot of screaming while they enjoyed it. And the street kids would have got a good few meals out of the payment for whatever scraps of metal and so on that the rats left behind.
Hiding behind his steepled hands, Wufei was dismayed at Heero's recounting of his past. His clan may have emphasized duty and honour over love and affection, but he had never doubted that his parents *did* care for him. 'O was never particularly warm towards me, but he had a strong sense of honour and treated me accordingly. Obviously, J had *no* honour whatsoever.' Wufei was certain that there was a great deal more behind Heero's very brief statements. The entire explanation sounded very much like a mission report. 'Of course,' he realized, 'that's how he's managing to relate something so personal. Remove the personal aspect, make it a completely accurate but very efficient report.'
Heero's heart sank as he still could find no clear indication of Duo's reaction to his story. He stopped speaking, wondering whether there was any point in continuing. If Duo was revolted by his past, further explanations would be meaningless.
Seeing a tiny flicker of something - fear, maybe? or despair? - pass over Heero's face, Duo realized that he was going to have to give him some encouragement. This was quite possibly the most he had *ever* heard Heero say at once. Revealing this much of himself to Duo had to be extremely difficult for Heero. And doing so in front of Wufei would only make it more difficult. Expecting Heero to make his entire explanation before receiving any indication of Duo's reaction was asking too much of the other teen. Yet at the same time, Duo did not want to risk making Wufei feel left out and rejected.
Reaching out, Duo caught hold of Wufei's wrist and tugged him along the U-shaped seat towards him at the same time as he slid along the seat and around the curved corner towards Heero. He didn't stop moving until he was right next to Heero, bodies lightly touching from knee right up to shoulder. And he didn't release Wufei's wrist until he was in the same position on Duo's other side.
Initially startled by Duo's sudden movement, Heero relaxed slightly in relief as Duo took up position close beside him. Judging by Wufei's startled yelp at Duo's actions in grabbing his wrist and dragging him along too, Wufei had also been caught off-guard. With Duo's indication of support and acceptance of at least this much of his explanation, Heero was sufficiently encouraged to continue.
"By the time I was sent to Earth for Operation Meteor, it had been thoroughly drilled into me that soldiers had no use for emotions. Then I met you, Duo. According to everything I had been taught, there was no way you could be an effective soldier. You laughed, you smiled, you frowned, you showed *everything* you felt, and you *felt* everything. I figured out eventually that sometimes you used one emotion to mask another, but at first it seemed as if your every feeling was on display for the whole world to see. There was no *way* that you could be an effective solder. But you were."
Heero spread his hands helplessly, momentarily forgetting the marks on his palms, as he said, "Duo, you made a mockery of everything I'd been taught! I didn't know *what* to think or how to react. You fascinated me and angered me at the same time. I'm sorry that I ignored you and shut you out, but I didn't know how to react appropriately to you. At times, it was a matter of either pretending you didn't exist or hauling off and slugging you. I really didn't *want* to hit you, and the former at least left other options open for the future.
"You had me completely lost and confused. If you could be a good soldier and have emotions, then my training was *wrong*. I started to *feel* things - to *want* things. I was *almost* ready to try responding to your offers of friendship - and then you started flirting with me, and stirred up even *more* emotions. I didn't know what all these feelings were even *called* and it wasn't like there was anyone I could *ask*. Mentioning them to J would have just got me ordered in for retraining again and while I might have been his obedient little puppet most of the time, *that* stupid I *wasn't*. There was no way in *hell* I was going through *that* again. I was finally reduced to looking up definitions of different emotions and trying to match them up with what I was feeling."
At this point, Heero had virtually forgotten Wufei's presence. Duo's rearrangement of the seating had shifted him from being directly in Heero's field of vision to being mostly hidden on Duo's far side. The small part of Heero's consciousness that recalled Wufei deliberately chose to pretend he wasn't there. The rest of this would be far easier to say that way.
Heero's voice had risen slightly as he spoke, but now it dropped again, becoming distinctly regretful. "I was just starting to make some sense out of it all. Then you stopped. Stopped flirting, stopped trying to draw me out, stopped *everything*. I didn't know what to do, how to react, so I didn't do anything. I just kept going as if nothing had changed. But things *had* changed.
"When you started flirting with Wufei, it didn't take me long to track down *that* new set of emotions. Jealousy. And regret. Working backwards from those, I finally found the names for at least some of what had me so confused before and still threatened to overwhelm me." Heero's voice became softer still, little more than a whisper as he named them off, "Attraction. Desire. Respect. Friendship. Love."
Heero was silent for a moment, then said quietly, "When Wufei managed to drive you off too, I dared to hope I might get another chance. I kept waiting, hoping against hope that someday you would give some indication that you were still interested. But anytime you had contact with me, you were so impersonally friendly... I *know* I should have made the first move myself earlier, but I didn't know *how*. By the time I finally became sufficiently miserable to work up the nerve to *try*, Wufei had reached the same point and we ended up spending all of our time blocking each other..." Heero let his voice trail off miserably. There really wasn't anything else he could say to plead his case.
Stunned, Duo realized that much of what had gone wrong with his attempts to attract first Heero, then Wufei had been *his own fault*. He had pushed too hard, tried to move too fast, and left them both too confused to respond appropriately to his advances. Had he taken things slower, built a solid friendship *first*, things would have probably worked out from the start.
But then, had he done that, he would have been with Heero all along and never even let Wufei know that he was interested. And if Wufei had really been attracted to him - albeit reluctantly - and if that attraction had developed into more even without him showing an interest, that would have still left Wufei unhappy and alone. And Duo wasn't entirely certain that he could have completely buried his own interest in Wufei. Not enough to keep Heero from noticing that there was something wrong. And that could have led to a whole *other* set of problems.
Sensing Heero starting to tense up beside him, Duo realized with a start that he was taking too long to respond to Heero's explanation. "I understand Heero. I wish you'd been able to just ask me to slow things down a bit, but I understand why you couldn't. I accept your apology and your explanation and I'm willing to give you a chance to prove your feelings to me, the same chance I'm giving Wufei. But you guys are going to have to cooperate a little here. I don't want to be caught in the middle, understood?"
Heero nodded in quick agreement as Duo looked back and forth between him and Wufei. Whatever it took, he would do. He would *not* risk losing this chance.
Wufei nodded his own agreement to Duo's request. If Duo really loved them both, any conflict between himself and Heero would inevitably end up hurting Duo. They had both done quite enough of that already.
Satisfied with their responses, Duo said firmly, "Good. Now, it seems to me that our orders should be coming pretty soon - uh, you guys *did* go ahead and order something for me, I hope?" Receiving nods in response, he grinned sheepishly and said, "Good thing, 'cause now that we've got a few things straightened out I'm feeling kind of hungry after all."
"But first, I think we'd better take turns getting washed up. Amusement parks aren't exactly the cleanest of places. And somebody'd better stay at the table in case they bring our order." Duo caught hold of one of Heero's hands and turned the palm upwards. "You first. Go clean those cuts, buster."
Heero flushed in embarrassment. He had hoped that neither of them had noticed what he had done to his hands. Yet at the same time, he was glad Duo *had* noticed and had cared enough to say something. Emotions were confusing things at times. Rising from the table, he headed off to wash up.
Before Heero had time to get very far, Duo turned to Wufei. "You too. But see if they've got a first aid kit around here someplace first and take care of his hands while you're back there."
Wufei gaped in astonishment. "Me? Why should I..."
Duo placed one hand over Wufei's mouth and told him sternly, "Because if *I* go, one or both of you is going to think I'm playing favourites and somebody's going to end up feeling hurt. *And* because he needs to know that you're not disgusted by what he just told us. You *are* his partner on Preventers missions usually, right? The one responsible for getting him back in one piece and seeing to it that he gets patched up if necessary?"
Shit. Duo was right, Wufei realized. He nodded in acknowledgement, then slid out of the seat and went in search of an employee to request a first aid kit.
Duo sagged against the seat back in relief. He hadn't been sure whether he could persuade Wufei to look after Heero. But he'd seen the glances Heero had been shooting at *both* of them as he spoke. Heero didn't make friends easily and even if he and Wufei weren't very close, Duo figured Heero *did* care what Wufei thought of him. 'Fei taking care of those cuts should be enough to reassure Heero even if he told him that Duo made him do it.
Drumming his fingers against the table thoughtfully, Duo considered the day so far. It certainly hadn't gone the way *any* of them would have hoped. But that might prove just as well in the long run. The explanations were out in the open now. He slowed the rhythm of his fingers as he realized abruptly that that was not *entirely* an accurate statement. To be fair, he really should do some explaining of his own.
Obviously one or both of them knew *something* about his background since they'd suggested sending the plushies to an orphanage specifically, but if *their* knowledge of his past was as patchy as his of theirs had turned out to be, it would be best to set the record straight. 'Sometimes, knowing a little bit is worse than not knowing anything. How's that old saying go - "Just enough knowledge to be dangerous"? I thought I knew quite a bit about them - and I did. But the *gaps* in that knowledge led me to expect too much of them and to make some incorrect assumptions about their behaviour.'
First, they'd see what could be salvaged of their plans for a day of fun at the amusement park. But later on, Duo decided, he would have to do his *own* bit of explaining. Which would be anything *but* fun.
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