Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Wonderful ❯ Chapter 1

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

By: L_N

I never went to Relena, Maxwell. Did you think I�d do it? Follow through on that bullsh*t and leave my friend for some girl? Never even called her. It was so easy. After leaving you, everything is so damn easy. Even walking away from �Happily Ever After.�

Anime/Manga: Gundam Wing Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Hentai | Type: Yaoi | Uploaded On: 08.14.2006 | Pages: 37 | Words: 30.5K | Visits: 1.2K | Status: Completed

Wonderful: A Gundam Wing Love Story

You were my first friend. My best friend. Why did you have to do it, Maxwell? Make me hurt you, like this?

Roll that punching bag. Hit it, like I know you want to hit me. Keep ignoring me, like you wish I were dead. I wish I were.

What's left, without you?

“I'm leaving, Maxwell.”

I may as well be gone. You keep your back turned, you keep the bag rolling. Pummeling me in your mind, hating me, hard, with your fists.

You're always talking out of hand. So, say something now. Tell me I don't have to go. I don't want to leave you. I want to stay. Please say something. Say anything, even “go to hell,” and I'll stay.

“At least you're quiet.” I finger my duffle bag strap. “For once.”

You give the punching bag one last, hard knock. You use your teeth to rip the Velcro straps off your boxing gloves, and drop them on the linoleum floor. You're throwing me away.

Just like you did, that night. Except now this is forever.

“Later.”

I don't know why I said that. You had already walked away.

War is a safer place for my feelings. I could defend you, let you defend me, and the leftover could be ignored. Peace made us face stranger emotions. Never-ending hours on patrol, and nothing to do with my feelings.

“Let's try something,” you said.

It was just fun and games. Something to do. Porn. An endless supply.

“It won't hurt anyone,” you said. “Chang said it was pretty cool.”

I believed you. Didn't pay attention to the lurch in my gut at the sound of that name.

“You wanna try something else?”

It seemed like an extra thrill, feeling someone else touch me, down there. No big deal. And besides…

“It's not like we're gay. Cos we'd both be with our girlfriends if we weren't out here.”

If there was a war, something to focus myself on, I wouldn't have gotten so dependant on it. But you became something more than a partner. You were the keeper of my secrets. Not even Relena knew me the way you did.

“You sure like your porn, Yuy.”

I did. Past tense. Not anymore.

I put my fist through the wall. Not the first hole in this cheap dive. Won't be the last. Would you be surprised to find me here, instead of living in a virtual fairy tale, with Relena? I sometimes wonder. Especially at times like this, late at night, when the basic feed plays endless loops of cheap red light shows, when the prostitutes scream fake orgasms, like demons for the moon, when the lamplight jabs my conscience and the blinds won't give on my window. Neon has a special color in hell. Not red, just blood, for all the broken lives the street collects. Like a sewer.

I think of how we would be facing the screen, me behind you, your hand snaking around to grab my cock, my hand reaching around to find yours. You never turned around to see my face. To see that I… I wasn't even paying attention to the porn.

I was getting off on you. You were so hot, so hard, and so beautiful. I wanted to tell you it was wonderful. It just didn't seem right. After all, it wasn't supposed to be that way.

I am such a piece of shit.

I never went to Relena, Maxwell. Did you think I'd do it? Follow through on that bullshit and leave my friend for some girl? Never even called her. It was so easy. After leaving you, everything is so damn easy. Even walking away from `Happily Ever After.'

I'm not here because of that.

No. I…

I used her name to make you think I didn't care at all. So you wouldn't have the satisfaction of knowing why…

There's another hole in the wall. Another groan, another neon blink. All I can do is relive the past, like a bitter, used up old man. I'm only twenty, and my life's over.

I never really cared about living, anyway. So what do I care?

It's not about me. I know that much. Because all I can do is think about you, and what you're doing now, and who's doing it with you.

Whatever it is, you're not thinking about me. I think that's what hurts the most. I'm easy to find. Everything I've done has been overt; tracing is a simple thing to do. I hover over my laptop watching for the smallest hint that someone is tracking me. There's nothing. Nothing but this blinking neon light and all these memories.

When will I ever learn? You don't need me. You never did.

I was the needy one.

You said it would be fun to get together with the guys. You sent the okay to Chang, and got the whiskey, even double-checked the time. You fussed about that, and it bothered me, because details were never priority for you, before. I just sat around and wondered why you needed to see them. I hated them, for being so important to you. Like I wasn't enough.

I should have figured it out; I didn't want to feel like I did. So, I just chalked it all up to the boredom those patrols triggered.

“We'll have a campfire, and some booze. It'll beat the hell outta being cooped up in here during Christmas.”

“Whatever.” I stared out into space. The Earth tilted in our sights.

“Come on, man. It'll be fun.”

Fun. That's what you called it. And it seemed fun, I'll admit. Trees, like the ghosts, kept to our backs, in the warmth of firelight and whiskey. We got drunk, we played stupid drinking games. Spells we cast to exorcize the demons.

But you can't scare away what you've invited into the circle.

Who had the brilliant idea of playing Truth or Dare? You? No, it was Chang. Fucking Chang. He'd been buddy-buddy with you that night. So smug and sure of himself. I wanted to beat him to a pulp when he dared you to show your cock. Then I wanted to do the same to you when you got up and did it.

If it were Barton or Winner who dared you, I would have laughed it off. Chang, though. He was the one who had been sending you all that porn. He was the one who'd come up with this get together. Chang- you were always talking about what a great guy Chang was. And there he was, telling you he wanted to you drop your pants and show us your cock. Something you'd never- ever done, when it was just you and I. It pissed me off. At the time I was not comfortable with that fact. I just drank more and tried to shrug it off.

And then you did it. Just got up and let them down.

Shock's a funny thing. Once it hits you, everything else becomes a blur. I just remember Chang behind you, on a whiskey high, laughing. And you. You. All of you. Everything I hadn't seen before. For everyone else to gawk at, too.

And you just laughed.

I don't think I laughed much, after that.

But there wasn't much room for my laughing, now, was there?

I still can't believe what happened, after that.

It was Chang's idea. Fucking Chang. I hate the way he drew that cigarette out of his mouth. I hate what he said. “We're all horny, eh? Let's just do something about it.” I hate how you nodded and clapped when he said it.

“Like me and Heero do, when we're bored.”

“That was supposed to be a secret, dumbass.”

I shoved you. You shoved back. Barton and Winner were rolling on the ground; laughing so hard they didn't notice Chang standing over them. They didn't notice he had no pants on, either.

“Oh shit,” you said.

He grinned back at you. “Oh shit's right.”

The rest is a smudge stick set of imprints. Whiskey, fire, shadows and bodies. Five bodies, fighting the boredom peace had cursed us with. There was no peace that night. We didn't want it.

Remember? Remember what you did want?

Oh, fuck, Maxwell. What happened was so far beyond anything I had ever done. Why didn't you tell me that was what you liked? Did you think I'd reject you?

Did you have that little faith in me? Why did Chang have to be the key for you? What was so missing when it was just you and I?

All I could think of were those times we had together. How I thought we had something private, just between the two of us. No, not the jerking off. Well, maybe that was all it meant to you, but it was more to me. I didn't realize, until that point, that it was trust. I thought I had yours. But you kept something away from me, all that time.

And you showed it to everyone else. Like I was just one of them. No- at best I was. At best. You showed me what I meant to you, soon enough.

“So you guys wanna do something?” You asked Winner and Barton.

“What does it look like?” Chang kept looking down at the two of them.

“Me and Heero jerk off all the time.” You made it seem like no big deal, telling them something like that. Chang shrugged. Like he already knew it.

Shit, he probably did.

“Why don't we have a little fun, then?” He watched the two of them sit up on their knees. “What do you say? Winner? Barton?”

They just looked at each other and giggled like two fucking girls. “We do that too.” Winner looked at me and winked. Like it was cute.

“What do you mean?” I asked the bastard.

“Fool around.” He put his hand on Chang's thigh, and began to rub it. You just sat there and leered. “Do not deny it. You act like you are practically married.”

“We don't fool around,” I was pissed. “We just look at porn.”

“Yeah,” you said. “It's no big deal.” No big deal. I guess not.

“Defensive.” Barton copied Winner; hand on Chang's other thigh, going up and down, up and down, up and down. You kept watching, like you wanted a piece of Chang, too. “Yuy, face it. You like it, don't you?”

Then he… Oh god…. I remember how you said “holy shit,” when he rubbed his cheek against Chang's cock. The breath hissed out of you, like a balloon deflating, in time with Chang's breath, and Winner put his mouth…

That was how it began.

It's the night that I found out how you felt. It was the night that ruined my life.

Do you ever think back about it?

Do you ever lie back, when the day's done, and everything just replays in your head, over and over? Like one of those crazy pornos we used to watch on the vidfeed, again and again in your head. Or do you have better things to do?

Without me. Probably with Chang. Shit. I'm the one who left you, and I am jealous. Some nerve. That's what you'd tell me.

I've always been a nervy kind of guy, though. Not because I'm brave- it's just a habit. Just… a habit. Like my hand in my pants. Like this replay in my head. A habit.

Missing you is my new habit.

Do you miss me?

I miss… I miss little things about you. How you talk too much, about too little. How you forget to check the service logs on the engines. The way you leave the grease smears on your spacesuit and over the visor. You can't knot your uniform tie. I miss doing that for you. And the way you'd roll your eyes when I complained about that. You knew I didn't really mind, though.

Alright, so I did. But not as much as I said.

And I miss the things I barely saw. The things you would keep half secret from me. What you hid when you turned your back, and made me reach around to jerk you off, in the cockpit. Your expression, when you came. Your eyes were always closed. Then, that night, the way you felt, knee deep in ecstasy. Your body, wishing your hands on my body. The way you would move.

Do you miss me? Even a little, Maxwell?

The guys, in this picture on the hotel nightstand, have their arms locked together, around each other, around you. I'm cut off in the picture. You four look so happy. Especially you and Chang.

Do you miss me? Probably not. He probably has plenty of schemes to keep you happy. Plenty of plans like those campfire parties. Maybe you guys see Barton and Winner, too. And none of you miss me. Why would you?

No one's called. No one's cared a damn where I went, how I am. Funny, how I don't worry the same way about Relena. I haven't heard from her, either. Which is crazy: I'd proposed to her, remember? I bet you do. The satisfaction that gave me didn't last. I guess you assumed I'd be with her, by now.

Haven't even bothered to call her place and ask for me, I bet. You never were much for details. Unless you cared.

I put the picture face down on the nightstand, and begin my business between my legs. Not that it does any good. Because there's only one way I can come. One way. And it involves thinking about you and those guys, and that night.

Fuck, I miss you.

I think I was missing you, even then. No, I know I was. I could feel it when you were walking away from me, smiling at Chang. I could feel it, in my gut. When Barton and Winner looked at you, at each other, then back at you, I could sense the change between us. A kind of distance.

“So, Chang…” You were smiling.

Fallout. That's it.

“Yeah, Maxwell?”

You walked a circle around them, like an inspector: An inspector who liked what he saw. “Whatchya got there?”

Barton and Winner were craning their necks, watching you. I sat on the other side of the fire, and watched, too. But no one took any notice of me. It was like I wasn't there, just an outsider looking in.

“Looks like a couple of guys want to fool around, Maxwell.”

A couple of guys. Two. Winner and Barton. Not me.

I realized I wanted to be a part of your group. It wasn't even a question of feeling like I wasn't special. Now it was a question of even being relevant.

God, I get so hard thinking about how good you looked- you never looked that good for me, the way you did when you looked back up at Chang and winked.

Winked.

When did I become so unimportant to you, Maxwell?

“Is that right?”

“Duo you like getting your dick sucked?” Barton asked you. Then he… he…

I was rooted to the ground, couldn't move, because Barton put Chang's cock in his mouth, as he looked you dead in the eye, and let it slide out.

“I think he does.” Winner touched Barton's cheek, in this sickening, slow caressing way. “You and Yuy never did that, huh?”

“No.” You kept smiling, nudging Barton with your foot. “Hey, man. You looked like you knew what you were doing. I like the way you did that.”

Winner grabbed Barton's collar and kissed him- no, it was more like he devoured Barton's mouth- then shoved him toward you. “Do it, baby. Suck it good for me.”

“Okay.”

You and Chang stood there, facing each other; Barton knelt in front of you, Winner in front of Chang. You two just kept grinning and making these little moaning sounds when their heads bobbed up and down, and they worked your cocks with their mouths. I couldn't move, or say a word. They were all caught in my throat. I just sat in the shadows and became a ghost.

I was never so turned on, or so lonely, in my whole life.

The way you moved. You never rolled your hips like that when we were jerking off together. I guess it didn't turn you on like they did. Your ass would flex every time Barton came down on you. Your hands were in his hair, your head was tilted back, your mouth- oh, your mouth- it was open, just a little.

Why didn't I ever think of that?

“Come here.” Chang crooked his finger at you. Barton let up, and you two got closer to Winner and Chang. Then Chang touched your cheek and smiled. “Want to kiss?”

“Never… “ Barton went down on you, again. You swallowed hard and let the truth be told. “Never… tried it.”

“Want to?” Chang tipped his head back and pulled the rubber band out of his hair. It hung above his shoulders. I rubbed my head, and hated my short, ordinary brown hair.

“Sure.”

It probably just took half a second, but to me, it took forever for you two to lean toward each other. You were staring into his eyes, with this scared, little boy look on your face. Then a flare from the firepot got in the way, and I couldn't see. When it went down, I could see Chang's tongue slipping into your mouth, and you were sucking him in.

“That's it.” Winner's voice was so soft. The kiss was so hard.

“I think he has kissed, before.”

I don't know if that made me angry because he was calling you a liar, or because that would mean there were others you had kissed.

“No, he hasn't!” I blurted it out. You broke the kiss, and all four of you stared.

“I could feel the stares. The way they looked at me. They way you looked at me. Like I was a stranger.

Maybe it was not you.” Chang shrugged and you frowned at me. “Maybe it was a girl, and he meant to say he had never kissed a guy, before.”

Then you laughed. Laughed. “You jealous?” You were laughing at me. Like you could see what I was afraid of looking at, roll around inside my head. All those feelings I wanted to hide from you, from myself. I know you could see them, in my eye, I tried to look away, to hide. Instead I stood up when you crooked your finger at me. “Come' ere then.”

I should've run in the other direction. But, then, you would have laughed more. No, I didn't want that. But…

Everyone was laughing at me.

“Don't be shy, Yuy.” Chang put his hand on Winner's head and pet him like a cat. Winner acted like one, too. Licking, practically purring. “Come over here and play with us.”

I wanted you to stop laughing at me like this. It was like you were laughing at my feelings for you, sharing them like a joke with these guys. And the way they were acting- it was like they were acting out all those porno feeds for you, and making fun of something private between you and me.

Barton's hands were on your chest. “You know he wants to,” he said. You put your finger over your lips and shushed him, right before you pushed his head back down and shut him up. With your mouth.

“Yuy…” Then you said my name. Damnit, Maxwell. Did you have to look so good? “Come here, Yuy.” I wanted to believe you would make everything all better. I wanted to believe in our friendship, the way I could during those crazy nights, watching those feeds. I wanted to. Why didn't you? “Let's do something crazy.”

Crazy.

I stood up. My clothes fell to the ground, and I stepped out of my spot, around the fire, toward the four of you, never taking my eyes off of the one person who drew me in. You knew I was waiting for you to invite me. You knew.

So why, Maxwell?

“You wanna do something nuts, Yuy?”

You had that look in your eye, again. The one that looked at me like a stranger. Like… I couldn't really place it. I thought I had seen it before, but I wasn't sure where.

I didn't stop to think; couldn't. My cock was throbbing, my mind was gone. Your body was ready. I knew it wasn't right: To want you, so hard, like this. But not with them, not this way.

“Sure.”

No, I wasn't.

“Come here.”

They laughed, and I ignored it. There was only you. Only your eyes. I kept my focus and took your hand.

All my trust.

I was shaking.

All my fear.

I was weak.

All the feelings I could never say.

“Please.” I don't know why I said it.

They kept laughing. “I told you he was a faggot.” You just looked back at Chang and nodded, like you agreed.

When you smiled back at me, I recognized it, that look you were giving me. It was the same one you got, when we watched those whores on the feed.

“Maxwell?”

“Shhhh…”

I could see Winner and Barton, much more clearly. They weren't just sucking you and Chang off. They were sharing the two of you; pressing your cocks together and sliding their mouths along one side and the other, stopping to lick each other's tongues, sometimes kissing with the heads of your cocks, and sharing your flesh in the kiss. They both kept looking up at all three of us, flirting and winking.

“Fuck…”

“He gets right to the point,” Chang combed the bangs out of your eyes, “does he not?” They were shining.

I wanted them to keep shining, for me. Only me. I decided, in some sad, pathetic way, that it was a challenge. So, when those two got off their knees and pushed me to the ground, I didn't resist. Couldn't resist.

It was like you were doing it, like those were your hands spreading my legs, your cock in front of my face, pulsing and hot. It was you. Only you. All I could feel was you, with my cock, my blood, and my soul.

“That's it, Yuy.” Your voice was deadly. “That's what you want, isn't it?”

When I looked up, I wanted to see your face. It was Barton. He hit my cheek with the tip of his hard on. But you were the one in charge.

“Suck it,” you said. All I could do was…

“Oh, yesss…” Barton liked it. I could tell. There was already a spurt, a small one, in the back of my throat. Then the hands… I could feel something cold on me, too close to that place. I was so naïve that I didn't care.

Maybe I thought it would actually impress you?

“You always carry some with you?” Chang asked.

“You never know when Trowa needs it.” Winner's hands were quick- greasy and quick. “Lube is important, you know.”

“Do 'im up, good,” you said. “Yeah, work up his ass.” I felt someone smack me, push my head further into Barton, until my nose was in his pubic hair, and I gagged. “Good boy, Yuy. That's real good.” You sounded like a stranger.

Whiskey. It makes a guy do crazy things, doesn't it?

Is that how you were able to take charge? Is that it? The way you positioned Winner behind me, like your puppet, the way you told Barton to rock harder into my mouth. The feel of those cocks, one down my throat, the other pressing into my ass… it was all you- in my mind- not Barton, not Winner. Chang wasn't watching. We were alone, finally; it was just you and I. I was there for you the way you wanted me. The way I never knew.

I wanted you to do it. To give you more than Winner, than Barton, than Chang ever could. I wanted to. I really did.

Because you looked so beautiful. So fucking beautiful, with your red cheeks and your hard, hard cock.

I saw you, behind Barton, head on his shoulder as I worked my mouth on him. Your eyes were so bright. The whiskey was so much a part of my blood; I didn't flinch when I felt something pressing harder into me.

“Fuck him, Winner.” You licked your lips and moaned. “Fuck his ass, good.”

Barton took my chin in his hand and gave me a small mercy: “This is going to hurt, alright?” He pulled his cock out of my mouth. Winner paused, huffing behind me.

“Hurt?” The spit was all over my face.

“Like a bitch.”

“Toss me the lube, Winner.” I saw your hand reach out, over Barton's head. His eyes got so wide, so green. What were you doing? “Damn, he is so… tight…”

“Give it to me, when you're done with it, Maxwell.” Chang sounded like he was a million miles away.

You and Barton looked down at me. He was whimpering. You? You laughed. Right down at me. “Do it, Winner.”

Barton shook his head. “I'm sorry,” was all he said, right before Winner tore me in two.

“Fuck!” I just stared up at you, shaking, turned out and tricked up, then you grinned and shut me up, as you reached around and shoved Barton back into my mouth.

You were leering at me, and caught the bottle without looking away. “That's it.” They began rocking. I was caught in the middle, in your sights, completely stripped of all my dignity. For you. And you…

“Maxwell!” Barton's voice became tight. Fingers muffled away the rest of his words. I closed my eyes and felt you fucking me through their bodies, with the rhythm you began, as you fucked Barton. Fucking me, showing me what I really meant to you: Nothing. Just someone to use, for your friends to use.

It hurt. More than my body. It hurt something inside. It was what I saw in your eyes.

“Here, ya go, Chang.” You tossed the lube at him. “Let's have some fun.”

Seconds later Winner whimpered, then cried. Softly: it was a weird, happy-sad sound.

“Let's,” said Chang. “Let's…”

Whiskey and fire. It made demons out of my friends. Pushing and pulling at me. And the spell was caste by that look in your eye, the raw sound of your voice. All the lust. All the rage, all the anger came out. It expressed on my body.

You made me the whore.

“Fuck him harder,” you'd tell them. And they did.

“Make him scream,” you ordered. And I did.

“Hurt him good.” You did. More than you know. Good enough to make me cry. Good enough to make you laugh, over and over and over, until I thought I'd go insane.

It wasn't Winner behind me. It wasn't Barton in my mouth. Chang wasn't behind Winner. It was you. Only you. Because your words made things happen. Like magic. I could feel it in my blood. The way it felt when I was being turned out, legs spread, body used.

“You like being a slut, don't you, Heero?” You finally called me what I had become. All I could do was stare up at your face, over Barton's shoulder, and moan.

“Mmmmm-hmmmmm…”

“You love all the attention, don't you?” You slammed into Barton, rammed him deep into my mouth. I reared back into Winner, and skewered myself harder. He groaned, and Chang hissed. “Let's make it good, guys. Let's make this really good. Give it to the whore.”

All together, all at once.... Harder. Harder. Deeper.

Like a fool I kept hoping: Love me, love me.

Because you were so beautiful, whipping your hair back, biting your lip. Because your hands were so strong on the hips that thrust into my mouth. Because you were so strong, so beautiful. So much in my blood.

“You like that, Yuy? You like being our slut? You like it?”

You pulled Barton out of my mouth. I gasped when you stalked toward Winner and pushed him away from me. Like a born fool I smiled up at you. I thought… Maybe….

“What are you doing, Maxwell?” asked Chang asked. He was kind of shocked.

So was I. The look on your face- you were angry. What did I do? All I could see was the fire-lust and whiskey glaze when you stood over me, cock in hand, gritting your teeth.

“You slut.” You began to jerk off. I tried to stand up, and you just shoved me back down on my knees. “Just stay there. Stay there and take it, slut.” The others just stared. “Don't just stand there, assholes! Give the slut what he wants.”

What I wanted? I closed my eyes and tried not to show you the pain.

“Open your eyes, bitch!” You tipped my chin up and slapped my face with your cock. When I did, I could see the rest of them, staring at me, jerking off over me. Like the whore I was. “Since you're being such a good boy, you get to beat off, too.”

What else could I do? The four of you stood over me as I whined and throbbed in horrible ecstasy: this is so terrible to admit. I was so turned on, and so disgusted.

I began to masturbate myself. Just for you. You glorious, beautiful bastard. You just looked so good, jerking off with your big cock, and those other cocks around you. All your come- at least I would have it. Oh, god help me. I loved the way you snickered when I opened up my mouth, without any coaxing, for you. I wanted it.

Just some part of you.

God help me. I sure got it.

The come spewed in ropes, all over my face, as Winner, then Chang and then Barton shot off. They moaned and cried, shaking it out of them, all over me. It was like they knew my mouth was only for you, because not a drop landed in there. But, my whole face was coated.

“Here… you... go… “ Then you threw your head back, looking so right, so good, with your thighs thrusting forward, and your hand grabbing my hair. “Take… it… slut… take… it…all…”

That was how I came. With you, only you, spilling into my mouth.

“You are a good sport.”

The fire had died down. I was sitting, painfully, wrapped in your coat, watching its ghost. Barton was tucked into a sleeping bag; Winner's arm was slung over him. He didn't seem concerned with how it looked; like he was Winner's bitch, and Winner was his `man,' snoring in his ear.

I didn't want to be a part of any of that.

Where were you? Somewhere, out in the woods with Chang. I could hear the two of you laughing, retelling the evening over the whiskey remnants.

“Is that right?” I couldn't look Barton in the eye.

“To do all that, for Maxwell? Sure. I would say you really care about the guy.”

“Huh.” I stirred the embers with a stick, then threw it in to burn away. “Is that what you call it? Care?” I shrugged in your jacket. Your jacket. Fuck, I felt like such a joke. “I thought it was called punking out.”

“Tell him to calm down and get some sleep.” Winner combed the hair out of his eyes.

“Please remember your sympathy?”

“I need my sympathy sleep.” Winner opened one eye and sighed. “You worry too much, Heero. It was fun. You were fun. That was what it was. Fun. I promise. Do not be so moody.”

“Fun for you.” I didn't realize I was rubbing my ass. Winner rolled his eyes and sighed, again. “So, you two are gay, together?”

“Gay together.” Barton laughed. “We understand each other. Like you understand Maxwell.”

“Wrong.” I looked back at the fire, and heard you two laughing, far away, in the woods. “I don't get Maxwell, at all.”

“Of course you do.” Barton yawned. “You understand him better than any of us.”

“…Then he was getting it up the ass…” Your voice carried. It was so humiliating… I put my face in my hand, then took it away. All that come made it sticky. I felt so disgusting.

“None of us would have been willing to do what you did. You really made him happy.”

“Happy.” I punched the ground. Like I wanted to punch Chang, when I heard him laugh, again. “Is that why he couldn't wait to go party with Chang after making me the big party slut?”

“You know how guys can be.”

“Yeah.” I closed my eyes, then opened them to watch the stars turn over my head. “I used to be one.” I looked back at Barton. His expression was so sad, like he pitied me. “Remember?”

He blinked. For a second I thought he was going to say something. “Go to sleep, Heero.” Winner spoke for him.

I lay on the dirt, in your jacket, the sound of you and Chang laughing fills the sky and stirs up stars.

I wanted to… I felt a tear on my face. My sticky, filthy face. I wanted to die.

I cried, instead.

“I hate you, Maxwell.” That was a lie, but I wanted to hate you.

I still can't.

“Do you really mean it?” Her voice was so girlish, I made her so happy. She hardly ever sounded like that. It should have meant something, to me. That morning it was hard to feel anything.

But angry.

“I wouldn't have asked you if I didn't mean it.” I smiled. My face nearly cracked in two. “Marry me?”

“I've waited so long to hear you say that.” Her face was the brightest set of pixels on the Vidscreen. I turned the volume knob. I remember thinking it wasn't quite loud enough to reach you.

At that moment I didn't want to admit this, even to myself, but this was all for your benefit. I wanted you to hear this. I wanted to tell you the night before didn't break my heart, and that you didn't mean a thing to me.

So, I made sure the volume was high.

“I'll make all the plans.” She nodded. “You won't have to do a thing. Just be there. Promise?”

I smiled. “Cross my heart.” That was a promise I broke. Without a second thought. I still haven't contacted Relena, since that conversation. I doubt she would give me the time of day, now. “I'll quit the Preventers, and we'll settle down in the country.”

“I can't wait to tell the others!”

“You do that.”

“I love you!”

I turned the screen off, and swiveled around. I wasn't surprised to see you standing there, slack jawed and hung over. The towel from your shower was over your head. And your wifebeater had a dollop of toothpaste.

You were always careless, that way.

“You're quitting?”

“Getting married and quitting.” I couldn't look you in the eye. So I got up and pushed you out of my way.

“Hey! Don't just tell me you're quitting and walk away!”

I made it to the lavatory. As usual, you'd left the sink dripping and the toilet was full of piss. You knew how that irritated me, especially before take off, when all utilities go into shutdown. I slammed the lid and cursed under my breath.

“You've got some nerve, asshole! Is it because of last night? Is that what's got your panties in a knot?”

“Panties…” I fisted up and began to shake. “Panties…” All I could think about was how I wasn't even a man to you, anymore. Just a party favor. A fuck. And I thought you were my friend… “You're the one who wears panties…” I turned around and saw you glaring at me in the doorway.

Why did you have to look so good?

“You faggot.”

“Look who's talking!” You threw the towel. It landed on my face, and slid to the floor. I had to turn my head and hide the shame. You were right- I had no place to talk. Still… “You were the one who was on his knees, moaning like a girl for more.”

“It was your idea.” I wanted to stop shaking. I wanted to stop that feeling in my gut, the one you put inside of me, the one that begged me to turn around and get another look at you in that sleeveless white t shirt and your long, unbraided hair. It was wet. I remember. So wet it was clinging to your body. I didn't want to see those clothes on you. Just that hair, all that hair, sticking to the muscles and tight skin.

I hated myself for wanting that. After the way you treated me. The way you used me and walked away, arm in arm with Chang. Like it was no big deal that you totally destroyed our friendship.

Fuck. I didn't care. I wanted you to beg me not to go. I closed my eyes and said a silent prayer to a God that doesn't exist, except in your fantasies, Maxwell.

“You know what?”

“What?” I held my breath, hoping God was real. At least in your heart. Please say stay.

“I don't need this.”

“Neither do I.” I need you, Maxwell. I really need a friend.

“Good thing you called your little girlfriend. Cos me an' Chang were gonna partner up, anyway.”

Me and Chang. Why didn't you just shoot me? That would have been kinder.

“Whatever.”

“Is that it, Yuy? Whatever?”

“Whatever.”

“Don't come back, either. You're replaced.”

“Don't worry.” I couldn't turn back around. Couldn't look at you, because I couldn't face the possibility that you would laugh when you saw the pain. “I don't want any part of your little fag-scene, Maxwell. You guys have your fun.”

“Oh, we will.”

“Get out of here. I need to get ready.” I waited for you to close the door.

“One more thing.” I rolled my eyes. You always had to have the last word, didn't you? “Last night wasn't the best time- you know what I mean? It would have been a lot more fun if you weren't such a bitch about it. It was just fooling around. You took it so damn seriously, Yuy. What the fuck is wrong with you anyway? Can't handle a little rough action? You really are a pussy, if that's what it is.”

“Are you done?”

“So that's it? You're just leaving?”

I remember just staring at the stinking toilet, thinking about your piss in the bowl. How you didn't care about shit. You just played your way through life without caring a damn about the consequences. I used to think that was so cool. I… I think that was what I loved about you.

And you hurt me, Maxwell. Not because of the fucking- so much- but the way you treated me. Like that piss: I was something you got out of your system. Something you didn't even bother to flush down the toilet.

“I'm already gone.”

“Bastard.” That was the last thing you ever said to me.

I pushed down the toilet lever and listened to you shut the door.

You left me, even before we lifted off for that last run.

It's true, about Relena; I never called her, again. Funny, I don't think about it much. It doesn't bother me, either. She's just another person in a long list of people I've hurt. She's not that high up on the list, in all honesty. You've killed people. You know how it is. She's alive. She's breathing. I don't worry myself too much about it.

She was never a fellow soldier. That… that is different.

I lean over the third story window, guzzle Cuervo and watch the pimps and whores stalk their johns, like animals, beneath the bloody red neon hotel sign. Do you know where I am? At the end of the end of the line, drowning in tequila.

It helps me forget to miss you. That's what I told myself. I watch a pimp with a blacktop bowler slap a pink haired boy. Everything -everything- is such a fucking lie.

There's a knock at the door. Probably a john with the wrong room number. “Go away.” My voice is raw.

They knock again.

Fuck… I'm drunker than I thought. This spring-infested sofa's armrest is holding me back. The floor's not cooperating; it's sliding underfoot. “No whores in here, moron!” I fall flat on my ass and groan. The bottle's tipped over and the fucking shag carpet's drinking all my tequila. “Great.”

“Yuy?”

I sit up.

“Heero Yuy?” the voice is muffled. The cadence is familiar.

“Who wants to know?”

“Open up, Yuy.” That's a different voice, and the knocking's harder.

I frown and the sofa gives me a hand, to help me stand up. “Winner?” I put my hand over my mouth.

Oh, shit.

“And Barton. And me.” That was Chang.

“You guys…” I stop myself. Because you're sure to chime in and announce that you're here, too.

I keep waiting.

“Yuy?”

You will say something, won't you? You're there, right?

“Yuy? Are you going to let us in?”

“In a second.” I run my hand through this tequila hairstyle and rub them on my sweaty, once-upon-a-time, white t-shirt.

Where are you? “What are you guys doing here?” I scramble toward the door, and pray to your God that you won't sneer too much when you see me.

Maybe you'll even smile.

That would be… a miracle.

I open the door, and all my breath is gone. I should know better. Even drunk. There are no such things as miracles.

It's just the four of them.

“See?” Barton nudges Winner. “I told you he would be a mess.”

“Missing him?” Winner touched my cheek and sighed, as Chang clicked his tongue and Barton followed them in. “I think so.” Winner sighed again, and crossed his arms in the middle of my nest of salt. “Look at this place.”

“I told you.”

“You keep saying that, Trowa.”

“And I am always right.”

“Damnit,” Chang says to me. “What are you doing to yourself? Are you really that angry?” He picks up the bottle and shuts him eyes. “Please do not tell me you drank the whole thing.”

Winner is high stepping on the carpet. “By the looks of it, no. Look at this, baby.”

Barton's the one holding me up, now. His eyes, they're so green. So sad. I wish they were your eyes, looking at me that way.

“Where is he?” I hate myself for being so weak.

“My father's suite, at the Star Regent Hotel.” Winner sighs.

“Just as drunk, by now,” says Barton. “I am sure.” Then he lets out a long sigh.

“Will you stop with the sighing?” Chang taps Winner's back with my bottle. “It will not help things.”

“Barton.” My head rolls on his arm.

“Hm?”

“Am I a bastard?”

“Allah… “ Winner groans. “You need some coffee, Heero.”

“And a quick slap in the face,” Chang says.

“Coffee is kinder.”

“You are not a bastard, Heero.” Barton tips up my chin. “Just a fool in love.”

“No, I'm not.” I don't want to cry, Maxwell. Damnit, I will not fucking cry.

“That is what love makes us,” Barton looks at Winner, and then smiles back at me. “Perfect fools.”

“You lied about leaving him for Relena.” Chang slams the bottle down. “You hurt him, you bastard.”

“Do not do that, Chang.” Barton steps away when Chang comes after me. His hair's still lose, like it was that night. Does he wear it that way for you now? Do you like it? The way it makes him looks soft and sexy? “Be fair. You two hurt him, first.”

“But he…” Chang's index finger is pointing at my nose, so close I have to cross my eyes to see the tip, “He hurt him more.” Then he swings away, so fast the back of his shirt looks like a blue cloud. It makes me sway. “Duo changed, because of you, Yuy. He is not the same.”

“What… what do you mean?”

“He does not laugh, like he used to,” says Winner. “He is…”

“Quiet,” says Barton.

You? Quiet? I laugh.

“Don't you dare laugh!” Chang's voice shakes. “You killed something inside of him. Something we loved about him.”

He's so mad at me. So mad. I look at Barton, confusion slips ahead of me. “Are they… partners, now?”

“Aye.” Barton frowns.

“Oh.”

“I'm sorry, Yuy. It's true.”

“Then why bother being here,” I try to shove him away. Barton won't let me go. “Why bother, Chang? If you think I love him?”

“It's because…” Chang's voice is so small. When he turns around I want to fall to my knees. Because I know that look. It's the same one I see in the mirror. It's the one I wear when I don't want to cry, anymore. “Because I love him, asshole.” He shuts his eyes and hides the tears. They come out, anyway. “That's why I came to get you. Because… I can not stand to see him this way…” He hits his fist into his heart, “I love him enough to step aside.”

“Chang…” Winner tries to put his arm around him, but he won't have it. And I understand why. He only wants you.

I understand.

“Don't-“ He shakes his head. “Don't you dare pity me, Winner.” Then he opens those eyes, and shows me the secret, the secret he can tell, and I can never say: We both love you. “You son of a bitch. You had better clean your pathetic ass up and get down on your knees. You had better beg him to forgive you. Or…” He steps toward me again. I can feel Barton's arm tighten around my shoulders. Chang just glares at him, until he lets go. “Or… I… will… kill… you.”

I believe it. With all the feeling swimming in my soul, I know how this poor bastard feels. I believe it. He would kill me.

“Understand?”

I nod.

“I can not hear you.” It's a deadly whisper.

“Yes.” I try to stand up straight, like a soldier taking orders. Instead, the tequila makes me sit in the carpet's puddle.

“We need to get him some coffee, first,” says Winner.

“Why don't you two do that?” Chang's already at the door. “And I'll tell Duo we found his partner.” He sneers when he says those last words. The door opens, and the red light covers him, like blood. “Remember, you bastard.” He draws a finger over his throat. “Dead.”

Then he closes the door.

Winner and Barton exchange looks, then help me up. “You had better listen, Heero.” Winner tries to smile at me. “He's got the sword to do it, too.”

Beg you to forgive me? They're nuts. You'd laugh. You'd sneer. You'd just walk away, like I did to you. Can't they see?

“I'm going to be sick…”

It's morning. I've spent the entire night in a twenty four hour coffee house with those two, listening to Winner's speeches about friendship and love, watching him hold Barton's hand, and feeling coffee replace tequila. Cup after cup of saccharine and words.

“How are you feeling?” Barton asks me.

I slump in the booth and shrug. This coffee house is all windows: I watch the sunrise. I should be thinking about what Winner's said. I should be admiring the sunrise. I should be thinking about how it's a new day and an opportunity to start things with a fresh head. Too bad.

“So, Chang's his boyfriend?”

That's all I can think about. You and Chang. How you two are alone in that penthouse, and I was stuck here, all night, watching the lovebirds, listening to Winner wax poetic.

My head hurts, like a motherfucker.

“You need to look at the big picture.” Winner leans forward, and takes the salt and pepper shakers. “Think about what we've been through, together. All five of us. No one's seen the things we've seen, done what we've done…”

“Yadda, yadda yadda…” This means nothing to me. “What does this have to do with what happened that night?”

“No one thought badly of you, Heero.” Winner sure didn't. I frown when he says that. “Oh, I do not, at least. Neither does Trowa.”

“And Maxwell?” I sneer. “Chang?”

“Wufei has his own reasons for what he does. I can say this: Maxwell loved it. He loved you.”

“Loved.” Past tense. “He has a funny way of showing it.”

“We all do.” We both look at Barton when he speaks. He just shrugs and looks away. “It is the truth. Why don't you ask Maxwell, when you see him?”

“I don't think so.” I cross my arms. The waitress comes with another pot. I nod and she refreshes us. Again. “Why should I go to him? Besides, if he's so upset over how I left, why is it he couldn't even face me?”

“Like you said,” Barton takes a sip, and then looks at Winner. “He has a funny way of showing how he feels.”

“He's not showing me a damn thing.”

“He did, that night.” Winner smiles. “Do you not see that?”

“That was sick.” I sneer and push the cup away.

“If you think so, why are you not angry with me? Or Trowa?” Winner winks. “After all, we were the ones who-“

Barton elbows Winners ribs and shakes his head. I can see the blush.

“I didn't mean anything to him. I was just a whore. Like the whore's we'd jerk off to in those vidfeeds.” I take another sip and hide my face. All I can think of is how you stood over me. I swallow my coffee; it's strong and bitter. Hot, like you were. “God.” I slam the cup down and grit my teeth. I can't keep thinking of you this way. Something's got to change, damnit. “Maxwell…” I say it. The words I wish you could understand. I didn't want to leave. I just wanted you to stop me; to care enough to stop me. “I'm so sorry.” I didn't want to go.

“Why not go see him, now? Tell him?”

“No way.”

“Quatre.” Trowa shakes his head. “You put too much value in words.”

“Trowa…” He frowns, and then smiles when Barton rubs his cheek with his knuckle. “Oh.”

“We tried talking. If it does not work with Yuy, how can his use it with Maxwell?”

“What else is there, then?”

“Do you have to ask?”

“Sex?” I blurt it out, and they laugh. I look down, feeling the blood rush to my face.

“That is something we all understand.” Trowa lets go of Winner, and takes me in hand. His fingers are rough, and my cheek is so hot. “But you two have your own way.”

I just keep staring at his eyes. There's something knowing in that green.

“Will you come with me, if I can show you what I mean?”

Winner gets up and stretches. “I'll get the check.”

I just nod.

The harbor holds the weapons of peace; commercial barges, waterlogged yachts left low on the eastside, all the money for repairs caught under the currents. Far away, the sun presses Barton and I hard under the heat. We are so dry. The water hates us, lapping in tongues on the dock.

He looks up, hands in his jacket pockets, wind whipping the hair out of his eyes. “Look,” he tells me.

“I see it.”

A mountain of carp covers the monolith. Wind tugs the ropes, like a child who tries to peek under the wrapping before Christmas. Sea gulls scream don't.

He doesn't need to tell me what's underneath. I can feel it, I can taste it. My blood knows myself and sings when it finds me; my metallic incarnation. “He does not know. Just like you did not know.”

Barton likes to be cryptic.

“Who?”

He turns; the wind hides his eyes with his hair. I can only see his smile. “You know who. You do not know what.” He combs his hair back. For a moment I can see the smile in his eyes. “It's Wing Zero, Yuy.”

I have no response- the adrenalin mutes me.

“Quatre brought her back. Brought Deathescythe Hell back, too.”

“How-?”

“Does that really matter more than why?”

“And the other Gundams?”

“Quit talking.” No need, except for our Gundams. The reasons sink in with the silence. “Words are imperfect, do you not find?”

He smiles. He understands: Words were never what bonded us together. Sex? It was all pain, with the words. Violence. I needed Death on my shoulder, to make me feel.

Barton brushes my hand with his knuckles. “No more words, Yuy.”

“No.”

I don't give it a second, thought, though. I am already out the door, coat over my shoulders, feet kicking up concrete.

I am gonna find you, Maxwell. I'm gonna fly.

Wing Zero is like sex. It gets in my blood, it swings like a cock, and it makes me want to cream when I'm cutting through the air, mock five, like my hair's on fire.

Wing Zero makes me think of you.

I can't control my lust. I can't control the need, the singing in my veins, the way the stars circle around my Gundam like a crazy tilt-a-whirl. I'm looking for you, all senses extended, ready for anything.

“Maxwell!” My voice crackles in the static. “Come on, Maxwell! Do you read me?” Please be here.

I pray to your God. Please…

Metal and death, song and voice. High above the planet I feel you. One hard crash on my starboard: Deathscythe Hell.

“Get some, asshole!” You're laughing. Actually laughing. The sound is sweet.

Zero's arms are pinned back, and Deathscythe's behind me. It's like a dance. Like poetry. Like fucking. I swing the controls and you fly overhead. I can hear you, still laughing, as you spin into space.

I'm so hard.

“Is that the best you can do?”

“You wish.”

Are you happy to see me? Angry? Both? Does it matter? I'm a soldier to you now; an equal. Not some whore to sneer at.

“Then bring it, asshole!”

You're here. For me. That's the only thing that matters: Too still be worth showing up for- and like this.

You charge.

I charge.

And we collide, metal against metal; we can't die. We just topple and grind against each other. It feels so good. So good. And you keep laughing.

“You suck, Yuy!”

“Oh, yeah?” I ram Zero's pin into Deathscythe's main engines. Like kneeing Maxwell in the crotch. “How does that feel?” Does it feel like living again, when we make contact like this?

“You perverted bastard!” You sound so happy. God- happy.

“You're the fucking pervert.” I slam into you again.

It's like nothing changed, but everything's better. We're laughing at each other. With each other. Then your face pops on the screen, and I stop laughing. Because I can't believe I'm looking at you, again.

You're so…

“God,” you say. “It's good to see you, man.”

You're just so fucking beautiful. I stare, looking at the differences. You've lost weight- you're too thin. And there are rings under your eyes. But your eyes, they're still the same eyes. Your hair's matted around your face. I can see the ridiculous braid whipping around as you shift in your seat.

“Don't get too comfortable, Yuy.” You wink. I snicker. “Cos I'm about to knock you into the fourth of July.”

“Do it.” I want you to. I want to see that crazy gleam in your eye. And you do. I don't move, I just let my hand lay flat on the controls as you let that battle cry out, the same one you use when you come, and I close my eyes.

It feels so good, so good to feel you give it to me, like this. Hurt me, Maxwell. Make the pain bleed away, you wonderful, insane bastard.

God, I missed you.

Zero and Deathscythe fall from the sky. You're still yelling. I'm relishing every second of it. After burn sparks in the window. Your voice seers my blood.

We crash into the earth, fallen, beaten, the wind knocked out of us as sand flies high into the air. It's several minutes until we start to laugh again.

“You dumbass,” I say between coughing and laughing.

“Double dumbass.”

“Call me that to my face, moron.”

It feels so good to talk to you like this again.

“Maybe I will.”

“Maybe you should.”

“Bring it, Yuy.”

“Oh, I think so.”

I pop out of the seat, adrenaline pumping into my soul. I can't wait to see you, face to face. I can't wait to bring it all back, forget the words, forget the lies, and forget hiding from each other.

To see you again. Just to see you.

Trowa was right. This was what we needed. The safety in the violence.

When the ramp slides out, and I see you standing on Deathscythe Hell, wind whipping in your hair, blood dribbling down your chin, and that smile… I know he's right.

“Thank you,” I say to them, softly, under my breath. Thank you for bringing back my friend.

My best friend.

You shove the hair out of your eyes and give me the bird.

“What's that, Maxwell? Your actual size?”

“No! Yours!”

You jump down Deathscythe Hell. God, you're all glory! The wind beats you with sand and heat, and I am on fire. I struggle to breath, just watching the way your clothes are molded to your body, watching that body move, watching the smile that's all sunshine. All Duo. Oh, Duo. I missed you like this, man…

“You ready?” You don't give me a second, not a goddamn moment to register that you're already right in front of me. You don't let me wonder if you're a dream as you rear back and hook me jaw in the jaw.

“Guess not!” You spit blood and fire, wipe you chin and dive right in.

We struggle on the ramp. Metal rattles as we trade hits. It feels good. The way it's supposed to be between us. Forgive me with violence and laughter. My friend. No one understands how good this feels, no one, like you do.

I think of those nights we jerked off, together. How we hid that secret part of ourselves, pretended not to want to look at each other, pretended it was the vidfeeds that turned us on. But it wasn't, was it? It was this. The sex in our violence. The vicious hard ons, the punches that landed so hard we saw stars; like we were coming.

Those three, they had their fucking. And look what it got us. We've got something better. We've got this.

You roll on top of me, pinning my hands back. The sun's over your head. You're straddling my stomach. I couldn't ask for anything more.

“Say mercy.”

“No way.”

“Say it.” You slam me, again, and smile when I groan. Beat the sorry out of me, that's it. Force me to feel all the things I am afraid of. It's not lust. It's something meaner, harder, deeper.

We don't need words, Maxwell. They're bullshit, the things other people use to hide behind. I'm tired of the hiding.

I snort.

“Bastard.” You understand, don't you? I can see it when you look down at me. Anyone else would be sneering. Anyone else, they would think this is about hate. Anyone else… they wouldn't understand that we marvel this pain, we find the men we will become in it. I am not a slut, not a whore, not a fucktoy when we do this.

I struggle and you hold me down. “Admit it, Yuy. I beat you down.”

A long time ago. At least now… Now you see me as a man. Some one worth seeking out, someone worth fighting. Worth wanting. I smile.

“Admit it.”

Admit it? Admit how you make me hard? How you make me dream of the moment I can touch you, and look you in the eye when I do it? How you make me so hot when you're hitting your punching bag? When you're piloting, making the engine scream and the deck shake? You are so beautiful, so powerful, so wonderful.

“Admit it!” You grin and slam me down. Your fingers are bruising me. Your breath fucking stinks. I want to kiss our chapped lips, want to wrap your tangled braid around my hand and yank, hard, while you force me on my knees and make me suck you off. I want to show you how you make me feel.

“Aw, you'll have me thinking you wanna kiss, first.”

“Fag.”

“Asshole.”

“You say that like you love me.” I knee your crotch- not to hard- and you wink at me.

“Wishful thinking?” You pull back, So, I roll you over.

“Oh, you wanted me to do that?” You twist and struggle, grinning from ear to ear, when I pull your arms back. “Now you admit it.”

“Alright…” You stop. The expression on your face becomes so serious. Oh no. You're going to ruin it, aren't you? You're going to try to tell me something. Don't do it, Maxwell. Don't you dare get serious on me. “You're a total fag and you wish I was in love with you.” Then you throw your head back and laugh.

So do I. Because it's so fucking funny, when you say it like that.

“Gotcha!” You roll me down, now. I'm pinned, again. I'm still laughing, and so are you.

“Oh, really?” I throw a punch. You throw one back. We cough and punch each other, again. Then you jump up and scamper down Zero. I can hear the way your feet make metal ring like bells, all the way down to the bottom, until you hit sand and take off.

I follow you.

“You can run, but there's no place to hide!”

“Like you can catch me?” You call back to me as I leap from nook and cranny, touch ground and sink for a second before take off. I'm not running. I'm flying.

High as a kite, I am soaring over the sand and under the sky. You're flying, too, and we're chasing some crazy dream. It's about you and me.

Am I dreaming, Maxwell? Is hat what this is? I don't want to believe it, because if it is, I'll wake up aloe, again. This feeling- god, I can feel it when you run up that sand dune!- is that secret I hid from you all those times, before. I can show you all the chaos you've made me feel with this body.

“Hey, pussy!” You're standing on the dune. The wind's tearing it down, sand's flying like a tilt a whirl all around your head, and you put your arms behind your back, the t shirt flags in the air and catches wind when you let it go. I can see the bruises I gave you. All the punches I landed, they hit the mark.

I didn't know how hard I'd hit you.

And you were smiling, the whole time.

You liked it?

I feel my jaw and love the way it hurts, because you gave that to me.

I rip through the sand, burn my way up the dune, where you're just standing, hands on your hips, naked torso gleaming in the sun, and you laugh when I tackle you.

God, did I tell you you're wonderful? I miss you. The way you laugh when I hit you. The way you hit me back. The way you move when you throw a punch. I nearly hit the face I love, and you find me with your hands. Boxer's hands; square scabbed knuckles and hard nails. My shirt, my clothes, my shell is no match. This time I let you undo it all. I am not afraid of anything, now.

“Stupid.” I push you back, and we land on our asses.

“Bitch-ass. Come back here!” I run, ready for you to chase me, now. And you do.

I can't tell you how good it feels.

You catch me, and we tumble over the dune. Wind and sun. Sand and dreams. Sunshine makes our skin turn into fire. Punches become scratches. Sand falling on us, into our hair, and I'm seeing stars. Your punches hurt so good.

My hand reaches up, and I moan. God, I miss you. Miss what we almost had.

Then I feel it. Your hand catches mine.

Fingers interlock. Our bodies know what we do not understand.

You sit up, long strands of your hair whip through the salty wind like streamers. Your eyes are bluer than that desert sky. There's so much beauty in eyes that can look like that, like they can hold the whole world's sky and give it to me.

And you do. Oh, god, you're only looking at me. And you do.

Your hand is rough, when you take my chin and force open my mouth. I would have opened up, anyway, but the rough handling is what I need. You love me this way. I can feel it in the sky when you look at me with it.

You're wonderful. I miss you. Oh, yes. Yes, I do.

“Open up, Yuy.” I am open, already. Your finger is inside my mouth.

I thought you hated me. I thought I hated you. And maybe we did. It hurt so bad, but looking back, maybe that meant I felt that disconnect, and all that feeling for you had to turn into something angry.

Your hand squeezes mine. I feel you, now. The way you move over me, the way you're looking down at me. All that feeling. Call it lust, call it passion, call it love. Call it the color blue. It doesn't matter. You're here. With me. Only me. It's wonderful.

And you're wonderful. Yeah.

You push me deep into the sand. The feeling's so high I can't get over it. Like the sky in your eyes. I suck on your finger, because I want to take you deep inside of it. All this feeling. This feeling of `wonderful.' This feeling for you.

“You…” You take a deep breath and watch me. “You…”

I rub my knee on your ass and nod. You narrow your eyes and jab harder into my mouth. My hand squeezes yours harder.

“You want it, Yuy?”

I answer with a bite. It's not very gentle. Neither are you, when you pull me up by the arm, twist them both behind my back and slap me.

We're eye to eye, chest to chest, when I feel you- hard and ready- up against my cock I realize I am this close to coming when ecstasy dribbles out in small doses. “Do you?” Your lips touch mine when you speak. They're chapped. I lick my lips and you catch my tongue with our teeth. Groaning. You're groaning. Oh god, Maxwell. When you groan…

There is no one else between us. No one to make me wonder who is making you feel this rough and hard. When you pull my hair and force my chin up I smile. When you bite my neck and make me scream, I try not to let the pain make me come. It feels so rough.

“It hurts so good.” I'm panting, now. Grinding. And you're panting too. The sun's got nothing on our heat. We're on fire. Sand and wind blast our bodies as you tear our clothes away.

“Dreamt of you this way.” Your hands are everywhere. Your mouth is everything. The dry wind. The cutting sun. The loneliness that begs for a kiss. “Dreamt of you.” Your hands are on my ass, you pull me up, you smile as I moan. “When you were down there, between Winner and Barton, I was so jealous.”

I stop and blink, as your finger races over my open mouth. “Because I wanted this.” Then you trace the place I am most afraid of. My legs twitch when you find the spot, where Winner was, between my legs. “And this.”

I want to tell you. But the words- I don't trust words.

“Shhh.” You press that finger between my lips and shake your head. Sunshine scatters all around you. Irradiation from your smile. “I was afraid you didn't want me. That's why.”

I frown. Didn't want you? Couldn't you see? Couldn't you tell? You look down at me and laugh. “I'm an idiot.”

Your finger lets up. “No you're not.” It's my turn to smile. And I'm grinning, I'm the idiot. Because I thought… “Did I tell you, you're wonderful?”

“Shut up.” You shove me, but I won't let you push me down.

“I thought you just wanted to humiliate me.”

“Hm.” You look away for a moment. Then sigh. No- don't lose this moment. I grab your braid, and you wince, then smack my hand and face. I rub my cheek and try to yank it again. “I just wanted to see you that way. Hands all over you. Come all over you.” You hit me with the braid, like it's a whip. “I always wanted to see you like that.” Then you put the end of your braid in your mouth and trace the wet tip down my chest. It stops at the tip of my cock, and I plant my hands in the sand, hold my breath and try… try, try, try not to…

“Don't do that.” I open one eye, just in time to see you let out a glob of spit. It drips, slow and thick. “Don't hold out on me, anymore.” You look back at me, and paint the spit on the head of my cock…

Oh…

Strands play music on my skin. I am your instrument, and I want to say your name, like a lyric. Come your name, breath your taste. It streams out of me in ropes. This wanting; I can't stop it… but… it's too soon…

“Duo…”

“You can't hide from me.”

“No-“ I throw my arms back and the wind picks me up. Emotion's a raindrop and I'm flooding the desert. Coming your name, dying, just a little, with all the feeling. All the feeling.

“You can't run away from this.”

Oh, god, Duo. Oh, god…

Did I die? I open my eyes. The sun is behind your head, and you, you're brighter than the sun.

“Hey.” You smile. That's all I needed to see.

“Hey.” My body's still shaking. The tremors have only died down, they haven't gone away. “Sorry.”

“About?” You help me up. I try not to look at you, to act like it's just one of those things. But I ruined it, didn't I?

I came, went off half cocked. Ruined everything.

“Didn't I tell you?” You tilt my chin up, force me to look. And I gasp. “Don't hold out on me.” You are showing me your hand.

You caught all my come.

“Ah.” I am totally confused. Then I see how hard you are. Still. “Fuck.” Still, I don't know what any of this means. I just shrug and sigh. What the fuck. I am a novice. A newbie. Maybe not a virgin, but not much of a sexgod. Not like you.

How many times did you and the rest of them-?

“You are so beautiful, Heero.”

“What?”

You turn my chin, again. Man, Maxwell, you like doing that, don't you? I don't mind. If that's the way you want it, I don't mind, at all.

“I said, you're beautiful.” You come closer, and I blanch when our cock brushes against my thigh.

“You want to fuck me up the ass?” I say the words too quickly. They run together and they make you laugh.

“Maybe.”

“Oh.”

“Hey.” You rub your nose against mine. “I said maybe.”

“Oh.” I say it with a lower note.

“What's your problem?” You whisper.

I just shake my head and let you touch our lips together. This time- this time yours aren't chapped.

“Nice.”

“Mmm.” You moan, deep in your throat, and take my hand, place it on your cock and moan again. Then I find out what nice feels like.

You are so hard. So smooth. So wonderful. I say the word, and you nip my lip. I know better than to stop you, so I lean on my palms as you give me little bites with sharp teeth. You lick the spots you bite.

“You like that, baby?”

I groan and nod.

“I bet you do.” You touch me, now, and I gasp, because you did it, you mad me hard, and I didn't even realize…

We groan and stroke each other. Your hand is between us, and I realize you're still holding my come. I nearly kiss you, but I look down instead.

“Why?”

“You'll see.”

You work me up and down. I copy your movements. We are incoherent, reaching for filthy words. We find grunts and pants. Cocks and sweat.

It feels so good to hurt this way, to hurt so hard that I could die, again and again. Love is death. You're killing me, you know that? I'm lost. You found me, you take me, you make me, so right.

“Fuck, now.”

You want to pin me down, like a butterfly? You want to tear off my wings? To make me scream? I think I could now, for you. I think I would…

Then you lay back, you bite your lip. It's wet, now. So wet, like my come in your hand. Why are you spreading your legs? Why are you… Your hand's where I don't even dare to want you. You always did push me, and you're pushing me now. With a wink. With a groan, with those fingers… What are you doing? You work my come into your body, in and out, and you make me jealous with the working. Where your fingers are… Oh. Inside of you. Deep inside.

“Fuck me, baby.” You throw your head back and catch the sun with your teeth. You cut me with them when you smile back at me. So hard, Duo. You make me so hard. “Fuck me like I know you want to.”

“Fuck you?” I try not to look surprised.

“Gonna show you…” Your fingers are so deep. “Gonna make you wanna…”

I just watch you. So beautiful. Killing me with all this beauty, legs wide open, cock dribbling in the sunshine, sand like sugar blowing me away with sweet dreams until I am dust.

“Do you wanna?” You move your hips up and down, fucking yourself, making me whine. “Look at me, baby. Look at what you make me.”

“I'm looking.” I can't stop, either. I don't even realize, until I move my hand away, I'd been touching myself, just like I had, so many times with you, before. Wanting you. You are my pornography. “You slut.”

“Then fuck the slut.” You kick my hand when I touch myself, again. “Give that to me. Don't make me wait- fuck!”

My come's dripping out of your ass. Like a part of me is waiting inside of you. I've had you so many times, in my dreams. But I am awake. I am alive. Because you're right here, you are right now.

“Fuck!” Your nails are scaling down my back, a tiny release of blood follows you and I push my way into you. “That's right.”

It is.

“That's right.” You grit your teeth and the sun is darker. I don't know if it's setting or if it was never there. I feel the wind whip cooler dreams. And our skin, as we move together, is tighter, slicker. I am dying, inside you. And I love it. “That's right.” You laugh, a crazy sound. “I always wanted to show you.” Your nails dig when they slide down my back. You grab my ass and I buck hard. “Oh, keep going.”

Is it raining? In the desert? I feel water in my blood. You, I'm the drumbeat like raindrops under your sky. Braid whipping, skin slapping, you smack my face, you bite my shoulder, you laugh. You keep laughing, and I am pulled into you, deeper, harder, faster, wetter.

I want to give this to you. All my feeling. Give you my life; let me die again, Duo. I want to live. In you. Like this.

Forever.

“Do you wanna know?” You are snarling. Your hair keeps smacking my face. Sweat or water makes us slide like one. “Do you wanna know what it's like?” You cup my cheek.

“Tell me?” I put your finger in my mouth and suck. I need to know what I do to you. I need to know.

“Like… your cock is fucking mine… from the inside…” You push ass high and slam against me. I see stars and bite my lip to hold back the rain. “Like… fucking my soul….” You whine and grunt. Your eyes are wild. And you laugh. “This is what you do to me.” Then you pull your finger out of my mouth and sit up. I am still inside of you. And you lick my lip. “It's so good…”

I want that. I want that. I moan and keep thinking- I want that. To feel you fuck me, deep in my soul. I think I could. When I see that wild look in your eye, the way it makes you even more beautiful.

“You want to?”

You roll your hips now. You dip your tongue and I lap it up.

“You wanna fuck, baby?”

You push me back and ride me. My eyes roll to the back of my head.

“I'll make you fly.” You put your hands behind your head and scream: “Watch me fly… Heero…” Somehow your hair's come undone, and I can see you rain with the clouds overhead. “Watching me…”

“Yeah…”

“You want to?”

“Yeah…”

“You want to?” You gasp; you rock back and forth, moaning. “Wanna fuck like this?”

“For you.” I'm fucking crying when you stop. “Always. Only.”

You push my legs back and spit globs over my skin, right there. I'm shivering, shaking, and totally ready to die. Completely ready to come. Shivering as you pull me by the hair.

“Need lots of spit,” you mutter. “When we got no lube.”

I spit into your hand. That's when I realize it's raining. I wonder, for the briefest moment, where the rain came from. It doesn't matter. Water, spit, sweat, come. It's all the same: part of this strange story.

“Gonna fuck you, Heero.”

I look into your eyes. They are shining. Like desert rain. I nod.

“Gonna fuck you like I wanted to, back then.” You lean forward, you lick my wet cheek. “You looked so hot, you knew that though…” Your finger's pushing inside, already. “Didn'tcha?” You push aside all my reservations, you reduce me down to a writhing mess, whimpering, crying from the pain. “Didn'tchya? You knew you looked good, your ass in the air, then with your mouth, all open and ready for a feeding.” Then you whisper, when you stretch my comprehension into oblivion. “I don't think I ever saw anything more beautiful, than Heero,” you jab- hard- “Yuy,” you jab again, “getting fucked.” Then you find something.

I didn't know it was possible- to feel fire push me so close to the surface of my skin that I wanted to jump out. So I grab you, half afraid I would be pushed so far I wouldn't find myself again. Then you take my chin and look me in the eye. You smile. “See?”

“I…”

I didn't know-

“You wanna?” Your breath is hot. The air is cold. You make me shiver. “You wanna see how beautiful you can be?”

“Kill me, baby.”

“Oh, it's not that easy.” You pull your hand away, and I feel you throbbing- so close. I choke. “You can't get away from me, Heero.” You moan. “I can't get away from you.”

You show me. You tear through my body, I scream, you groan. It's like a knife in my heart. Then you move, twisting it. Making all the life pour out of me.

Make me new. Make me wonderful. Like you are… like you are. Fuck me, Duo. I grab your braid and force your head back; I bite your neck, because I need so much of you, to live. For no one else. We are for no one else. You are mine. I am yours. No matter what we did before, or ever do again…

“No one…”

“Not like this…”

“Fuck me, baby…”

“Yeah…”

Rain is like crying. Our tears are like wine. Come is our blood. And we crash together. Tumbling. Falling.

“Fly, baby… Fly…”

“Wonder why it's raining.”

“Yeah.”

“Raining in the desert.” You look at me, I look at you. “You're covered in sand.”

“So are you.”

“Like sugar and cinnamon.” Your hair is tangled all around us, like our arms, around our bodies. “What are you going to tell Relena?”

“Relena?”

“What are you going to do `bout Relena?” You look up at the sky, raining mist that is too weak to wash away our sex.

“Duo, I haven't even seen her,” I say. You turn and show me shock. It cleans away the pain. You hid that from me. “I never met up with her.”

Did I hurt you that bad? Did I do that?

“But you were going to get married.”

“Duo.” I hate what I was. “I was angry.”

“I made you that way.” You try to blame yourself.

“You made me crazy.” I won't let you. “I was just a jealous bastard.”

“Jealous?” You look confused. “What the hell do you mean?”

“Chang. And the others.” I frown. “Chang, really. You seemed like you wanted to impress him, that night.”

“Chang.” You sigh. “Chang… Chang.. Chang.”

You don't deny it. You just keep looking at me. Using his name, letting it hover between us.

“Duo?”

“I told him… things.” You sigh, again. “It was his idea. The whole campout. He thought it was wrong, you know. To feel lonely and shit. It was like, I dunno, a special way for us to bond, since we ain't got the war to keep us together, anymore.”

“That still-“ I look away. “Do you-?”

“He says he loves me.”

I want to sink into the sand. I stay that way, watching the rain; sand's replacement swirls like a dragon.

“So, what does that mean to you?”

“I feel bad about it.”

“Bad?”

“Cos, I know how he feels.” You take my hand.

“Duo?”

“I felt that way, when you left. Being in love and being alone. I'm sorry, Heero.”

“I should be the one to apologize.”

“You already did. It's my turn, now. I thought you were done with me.”

“Oh.”

“Hey.” You squeeze my hand. “We haven't even begun.” I turn my head and you're smiling back at me. “Best friends?”

My voice cracks. I can't help it. “Very best.”

“Yeah.” You trace a line over my lips. “The very best.”

“I was so wrong.”

“Shut up, and kiss me, Yuy…”

“There they are.”

Someone's out there, yelling. Who cares? It's yet another one of those anomalies that follow you. I close my eyes and wait for ecstasy to repeat.

“Wow- they did not waste any time!”

Oh great, the voice is closer. I flop back in the sand and groan. “Winner.” You groan too. “Fucking Winner. What the hell is he doing here?”

“Looking for you two lovebirds.” I crack open one eye and smack my face when I catch a glimpse of a flowing blue robe, and twinkling blue eyes. “Nice to see you, too, Heero.”

“We should let them alone.” I sit up and blink. Barton's voice is so reserved. He salutes us. His eyes, under the green robe seem to smile. I salute him back.

You wave. “Hey, guys! Look who's back!”

“We know.” Chang's voice sets my teeth on edge. So does his presence; the black robe is perfect on him. “Enjoy the storm, Yuy?”

“Storm?” The rain… “You seeded the clouds?”

“Wufei thought it would be a nice touch.” Winner pulled the hood off and looked up at the sky to let the rain touch his face. “I must concur.”

“So?” Chang comes closer, a slow stroll. His eyes move from me, to you, to me, to you, then stay on you. You squeeze my hand again. “Did you enjoy the rain?”

“It was great, man.” You give him a thumbs up. “Thanks.”

I can't help it, Duo. I can't help feeling jealous of you two, wondering what you've done with him, to him, what you've done for him. God help me. I can't help it. Even now.

“I thought it was the right thing to do.” He takes his hood down, and looks at me, no expression on his face. “Make it special for you two.” He shakes his hair back. Why did he have to wear it loose like that? For you? Do you like how good he looks?

I watch you, watching him. There's no bloodlust in your eyes, when you're looking at him. Only a smile. That silly, stupid one. The one I hate, the one I love. That goofball grin. You give it to everyone.

Just don't… give him that other smile. The sunshine. That's mine.

You look back at me, and wink. It's like you understand.

“So, are you coming back to the service?”

“Probably.” I am wondering where our clothes are. The three of them smiling at me makes me nervous. You just keep holding my hand, though, like it's alright.

“That is good.” Winner puts his chin in his hand and whispers something in Barton's ear. Whatever it was, it must have been interesting.

The guy just went beat red.

You giggle. “They've got something else up their sleeve.”

“Huh?”

“We are happy that you two are friends.” Chang crouched down and looked me in the eye. “We wanted to see you two happy, again. We wanted to make it up to you two, after the misunderstanding.”

“Is that what you call it?” I frown back at him. It was his idea, after all.

“Yes. We made you feel bad.” He shakes his head. “We made you think Maxwell didn't love you.” He closes his eyes. The sigh is deep. The words are soft. “I am sorry, Yuy. I was jealous. I encouraged him to act that way.” When he opens his eyes, I can see kindness there. “I wanted to replace you.” Then he smiles back at you. “I could never do that.”

“Chang, you're a legend.” You wrap your arms around him. When he looks back at me, he shows me his hesitation. And his pain.

I understand. Finally. I understand.

He begins to pull away. “Don't.” I hold him there. He blinks, confused. And I smile, your smile. I show him…

Sunshine.

It breaks through the clouds, and the rain's stopped.

“He's wonderful,” I take your face, as you gasp with shock, “isn't he?”

“Look at that,” I hear Barton say.

“Shhh…” Winner shushes him. “Let it happen.”

I want to take away all the hurt. It's not fair, Chang is right. And I couldn't just let someone hurt, like we did, when I know how to stop it.

So I let it happen. I narrow the gap between Chang and I. You are somewhere between it- this is not awkward- it is right: our lips meet. All three of us. And we find something there. Forgiveness. Freedom.

And lust.

“Again?” Barton sighs.

“No, even better.” Winner is standing above us. I sit up and watch him pull Chang's robe away. And he's naked. Wonderfully, incredibly naked.

Then Winner.

Then Barton.

“You… planned this too?” I stare back at you.

“Don't look at me!”

“It is a surprise.” Winner is nibbling Chang's ear. Chang is rubbing your leg. Barton's nuzzling the back of my head. And me? I am lost in your eyes. The desert sky in your eyes.

You're smiling. You're laughing.

“You guys can do whatever you want,” you say. Your hand, it never left mine. “As long as me and Heero get to be together.”

“Of course,” Chang kisses me softly, and then deepens the kiss. “I love to see you that way.”

Suddenly he's arranging us, like dolls. He puts me on the ground, you, glorious, on my lap, facing me, and then Barton and Winner stand on either side of you. He stops to rub our cocks stiff, and make us so hard… He bends, flips his hair to the side and sucks Barton and Winner- both in his mouth at once. His ass is so close to my face.

I can't blame you for wanting a piece of that. I bite it, sweet meat. That makes him whimper, turn around and chuckle.

“You bitch.”

“My bitch,” you say.

“So he is.” Then you kiss him, full and deep. I love to watch you kiss. The way you look back at me when you kiss. You are so beautiful. So wonderful.

“Yeah,” I say. “You're my bitch, too.”

Then we fuck.

It's not like before. I love the dirty feel of the sex. They way you ride me, lubed this time, the way Chang holds my ankles and grinds into me. The way you're smiling back at me, handling and sucking Winner and Barton. The way they kiss each other as you prime them. We're like a machine. Grinding toward ecstasy.

And it's good. Fuck, no, it's great. To watch you like this. To fuck you like this. I love to have you to myself. And I love to share what's mine.

“I love you, Duo…”

We come together when I say that.

Sunshine, baby. You are wonderful.