[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

Hades Project: Black Serena

---

It was raining on the nighttime streets of Tokyo, and Akito Tenkawa was running for his life.

It had been a typical night for him. He had gone to his evening culinary arts class--he was studying to be a cook--when five men in black suits approached him, two of them looking a little too much like Will Smith and Tommy-Lee Jones for his tastes. So it went without saying that when he saw one of them reach into his pocket, it was time to book.

He turned the corner and sprinted into an alley. With luck, the men in black wouldn't spot him if he ducked down behind a trash can. But who are they, anyway? Akito wondered. Yakuza? No. Why would Yakuza be after me?

Akito's pursuers stood at the entrance to the alley and quickly spotted him. This was understandable, since they entered from the other side of where Akito thought they'd enter. Because although it was an alley, it wasn't a blind alley.

"Damn," said Akito. "Caught because of a logical fallacy. This is just what I need."

He stood up and his eyes widened in horror at what the men in black had drawn out.

Cream pies.

"Look," said Akito nervously. "I know you don't plan on doing what I think you plan on doing with those cream pies. I mean, those cream pies look really good. And what you're thinking is kind of a cliché, isn't it? So I think I'll just be going, now. Bye!" He took off in the other direction... to find more cream pie-holding men in black suits.

"Dammit! I'm trapped!" said Akito, master of the obvious.

Without words, the men in black proceeded to smash their cream-pies on Akito's face.

"Why are you doing this?!" cried Akito. Splat! "What did I ever do to you?" Splat! "This doesn't make any sense!" Splat! "This is insane!" Splat! Splat!

Akito slumped against the wall, his face covered in goo. He wiped some of the filling off of his face with his fingers. What the hell, he thought. We've gone this far, haven't we? "This..." He shoved his fingers into his mouth. His eyes widened. "This is pretty damn good!" he said. He ate some more of the cream pies. "Did you make these yourselves?" he asked.

"I made them," a female's voice came from his left.

Akito looked to see a small albino girl with golden eyes.

"Really?" said Akito. "Well, this is some good stuff. You know, I'm studying to be a cook, and this is better than anything I've ever done. What's your secret ingredient, if you don't mind me asking?"

"The drugs," said the girl.

Akito's eyes widened. "Ohhhhhh crap," he said. Then he passed out.

---

Opening theme:
We see a movie theater. The opening animation is played out on the screen while silhouettes of the back of Ryoko, Hikaru, and Izumi's heads are seen in the seats. BGM: Hades Project Zeorymer opening animation music.

> Nadesico-ryu,
Hikaru: Nadesico-ryu? Is that some kind of flower?
Ryoko: Maybe it's a cross between a Nadesico and a snap-dragon.
Izumi: (Singing) Puff the Magic Dragon lived by the sea...

> a secret organization bent on subjugating the nations of the entire world.
Ryoko: Damn WTO!
Hikaru: (as Pinky) What are we going to do tonight, Brain?
Izumi: (as Brain) The same thing we do every night, Pinky. Fail miserably at taking over the world.

> It's army of eight giant Aestivales,
Hikaru: Oh, wow! Look at the giant robots! Aren't they cool?
Izumi: Yes. The most essential ingredient for deep, complex storytelling. That and yelling out your mecha's attacks.
Ryoko: Are you sure you aren't dating Uribatake, Hikaru?
Hikaru: Ew.

> the Hakkeshu,
Izumi: Bless you!
Hikaru: Bless you?
Izumi: Sometimes the old ones are the best.

> are the greatest fighting force in the world.
Izumi: Yours today for only $19.95, plus shipping and handling.
Ryoko: I'll take one!
Hikaru: Me too!

> Their victory seems almost assured.
Hikaru: So they took over the world and Hikaru used her tax rebate to buy some new sketch pads. And they all lived happily ever after. The End. I'm leaving now.
Ryoko: Get back here, you idiot!

> However, there is hope for humanity!
Ryoko: Pork, the other white meat.
Izumi: Ryoko... you just made a joke.
Ryoko: Who? Me?

> A traitor in the ranks of the Nadesico-ryu
Hikaru: Traitor?
Izumi: In this case meaning, "One who jumps ship two seconds before it hits land."

> stole the Hakkeshu's most powerful Aestivalis to stop their New World Order.
Izumi: (as Yuri Cube) Order? I'LL HAVE A QUADRUPLE DECKER PEANUT-BUTTER AND TUNA SUSHI SANDWICH AND A SIDE OF LITTLE DEBBIES!!
Hikaru: Um, Izumi? How did your voice go from being fairly low-key to so high-pitched that it could shatter glass?
Izumi: Practice.

> It's name was...
Izumi: Bobo bot!
Hikaru: Great Caterpillar 3000!
Ryoko: Jet Alone 2!

> Black Serena!
Hikaru: Fighting robots by moonlight! Dodging girls by daylight!
Ryoko: Would you quit DICing around with the Sailor Moon reference?!
Izumi: Yeah. It's all a load of BS. Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh...

> Black Serena will only recognize two people as its pilots:
Ryoko: What was that? Reject me, will you? Well just you wait! I'm gonna reprogram you with a hammer! Damn robot!
Hikaru: What was that all about?
Izumi: Don't worry. She's just reliving some trauma from a past life. It'll pass.
Ryoko: mmrr mmrr... won't accept my entry plug... mmmrrr...

> Akito Tenkawa and Lapis Lazuli.
Hikaru: Well, now we know why Ryoko wants to see this anime!
Ryoko: Oh, shut up!
Hikaru and Izumi: Tenkawa, Tenkawa, Tenkawa!

> But, Black Serena holds a terrible secret. For even as it taps its full potential,
(Izumi begins humming taps.)

> its pilots must pay a terrible price.
Ryoko: But not nearly as much as Evangelion Unit 03.
Izumi: I know. That costs you an arm and a leg to pilot. Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh...

> That is the nature of the "Hades Project."
Izumi: You want Mei-oh with that? Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh...
Ryoko: Jeez, we just wasted over two pages on this stupid introduction! Can we get on with the story, now?

> Project A-ko: Akito versus Jun II--The Rematch
Ryoko: Thank you. Sheesh!
The Women's Wing get up and leave the theater.

---

It was the largest computer software company of its day. In a time when computers were advancing faster than ever before, its name was a household word around the world. Its operating system had become so ingrained into the culture of the computer user, that even technically superior systems would not (and could not) be considered as proper alternatives. It would not be exaggerating to say that it controlled seventy percent of the computers in the known world, and ninety percent in the United States alone. Its name was... MICROSOFT!

And yet, even its Chairman and CEO, Bill Gates, had his master. He understood that all too well as he stood in his office, staring in horror at the beautiful, blue-violet haired girl smiling at him through the com window. Her hair was pinned up, and she wore a pink kimono with green dragons, symbolizing the ancient tradition of the organization that she led. She was Empress Yurika Misumaru of the Nadesico-ryu, and it was she who truly controlled Microsoft--along with hundreds of other dummy corporations just like it. And she had summoned him here for a midnight meeting to discuss the company's future... or lack of it.

"Mister Gates," said Yurika pleasantly, "on behalf of the Nadesico-ryu, we'd like to thank you for the distinguished service you've rendered to us over these past few years."

"What?" cried Gates, his eyes growing wider. He swallowed to keep his mouth from going dry. It didn't help matters that there was an eight meter tall Aestivalis air frame parked outside his window with a cannon powerful enough to level the building. Nonetheless, he tried to protest. "But we've been loyal to the Nadesico-ryu since our existence! You can't possibly mean to shut us down!"

"Oh, don't worry, Mister Gates," continued Yurika, her tone still infuriatingly cheerful. "Look at this way; this will save you the trouble of dealing with those annoying people from the Justice Department. And besides, the Macintosh OS is much more user-friendly. We really don't need you anymore." She turned her head, apparently to another window. "Okay, Jun. Give him the pink slip."

Gates paled. "No, please!" he cried. "I beg of you!"

A window popped open to reveal Jun Aoi, the pilot of the Aestivalis hovering outside. "I'm sorry about this, Mister Gates," said Jun. "But business is business, after all."

"You don't know what you're doing!" cried Gates.

Jun's cannon leveled at Gates' floor.

"Stop!" wailed Gates.

Jun pulled the trigger, and a giant warhead fired into the side of the building.

However, instead of exploding, the warhead popped open, spraying pink slips all over the office.

"Feel free to use us as a reference," said Yurika.

Tearfully, Gates took one and trudged out of the room. "Great! Now what am I going to do with my life?" he whined.

---

Two hours after the dastardly laying-off of Bill Gates, a gigantic white and red-trimmed starship slowly rose out of the water. On the side of the starship was the image of a nadesico flower superimposed on a dragon. It was here that the Nadesico-ryu made their base of operations.

Inside, Empress Yurika Misumaru sprinted into the Hakkeshu's ready room. "Hi everyone!" she greeted the Hakkeshu. "Have no fear, your Empress is here! V!" With a smile on her face, she saluted the seven elite pilots.

The Hakkeshu stared blankly at her.

"Idiot," sighed Ruri Hoshino, Empress Yurika's retainer. The twelve year-old albino had had to endure similar entrances before, despite the fact that she often attempted to impress upon Yurika the need for grace, elegance, and tradition.

Yurika continued. "Mister Uribatake has some wonderful news to share with all of us. Mister Uribatake?"

A window opened beside Seiya Uribatake, the Nadesico-ryu's Chief Mechanic, showing a montage of Aestivales. "The repairs for the Hakkeshu's Aestivales have been completed. In addition, we've added a few new upgrades as well! Behold their technical excellence and their awesome mobility! They're the coolest robots this world has ever seen!"

"They're the only robots this world has ever seen," quipped Ruri.

But Seiya was still ranting, openly drooling as he raved. "I have to take a cold shower every time I walk into the hangar bay! I'm in love, I'M IN LOVE!"

Yurika smiled. "Thank you, Mister Uribatake. But what that means is we can finally proceed to our ultimate goal: Taking over the world!"

Ryoko Subaru, leader of the Hakkeshu Women's Wing, stepped forward. "Yes, but before we can do that, we have to pass sentence on that traitor!"

But Yurika was unfazed. "Oh yeah! Good idea. That traitor... what was his name again?"

"I believe it was Hokushin, your Majesty," said Ruri.

A sudden chill swept through the room, and even the Hakkeshu shrank back. "Oh, no!" cried Hikaru Amano, another of the pilots. "Not Hokushin!"

Ryoko swallowed. "Who let him into the fanfic?" she cried.

"Yes," said Ruri. "Even I want to hide under my bed for the next few days."

"Wait a minute!" said Jun. "Hokushin is dead. NERGAL had him killed to prevent him from defecting back to us again, remember?"

The Hakkeshu collectively breathed a sigh of relief.

"Yes, but there is a downside to that," said Tsukomo Shiratori, pilot of the Aqua Crimson. "NERGAL now has sole possession of the Black Serena. With it, they could foil our takeover attempt, and use it to conquer the world themselves."

"Great!" said Yurika.

"Huh?" said Tsukomo. He and Genichiro Tsukiomi, pilot of the Aqua Marine, stared at her as though she had lobsters crawling out of her ears.

"If NERGAL still has the Black Serena, then all we have to do is take it back! Then there won't be anything left to stand in our way! Now then, who would like to volunteer for the mission?"

"Genichiro and I can take care of it," said Tsukomo. "Right, Genichiro?"

Genichiro smiled. "In the name of justice, I'll destroy their base with my bare hands if needs be!" The two pilots crossed their forearms and laughed evilly.

"Just watch out for Grendel. Heh-heh-heh-heh..." said Izumi Maki sardonically.

"Damn straight!" said Ryoko. "Hikaru, Izumi, and me can get Black Serena, no problem! The three of us would beat the crap out of that thing!"

"Perhaps," said Jun, "but our mission is to capture the target, not destroy it." He turned to Yurika. "My Aestivalis has already been field tested, and I have the most experience in piloting. Strategically speaking, I'd be the best choice for this mission, Your Majesty."

"I beg to differ," said Saburota Takasugi. The pilot of the Sailor Moon hid his face behind a vicious horned mask. "My Aestivalis is the most powerful of us all. If it comes down to a decision between me and Jun, I'm more likely to overwhelm Black Serena in a duel. Pick me!"

The Hakkeshu, in the grand and dignified tradition of their ancestors, began stretching their collective right hands into the air and doing pee-pee dances; all the while chanting "pick me, pick me" in annoyingly high-pitched voices.

"Gosh," said Yurika. "Bloodthirsty, aren't they?"

"And moronic," said Ruri.

"Okay," said Yurika. "I've made a decision!" she announced in her best Romper Room voice. "I piiiiiiiick... Jun!"

The rest of the Hakkeshu let out a whiny "Awwwwww!"

"Idiots," said Ruri.

Ryoko sighed. "Predictable," she muttered.

Hikaru grinned. "One of the perks of being in looooove," she said.

"Yeah," said Izumi gleefully. "Jun's gonna be bringing out the big guns tonight! Heh-heh-heh-heh..."

Yurika's face broke out into a face-splitting grin even as Jun's turned a distinct shade of crimson.

Ruri sighed. "Next time, why don't we just let them have a rock-paper-scissors tournament?" she asked no one in particular.

---

Akito's vision faded in to reveal an unpainted cell. A dank chill permeated the prison, and grime and mold festered in the corners. The only light that existed came from between three bars in the door. And even that was abruptly taken from him as a woman's face peered into the window.

"Well," she said, "you're awake."

Akito sprang to his feet and ran toward the door. "Hey, wait just a second!" he yelled at her. She was an attractive woman: Dark hair and eyes, dressed in a business outfit which did everything to accentuate her figure. She wasn't alone, either; next to her stood a long-haired man in a suit and tie.

And between them was the very same golden-eyed albino.

"Just what the hell is going on here?" demanded Akito.

The woman's mouth twisted into a cold smirk. "Oh, you'll find out soon enough," she said ominously. "Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Erina Kinjo Won."

"I don't care what your name is!" cried Akito. "Let me out of here! I didn't do anything, dammit!"

"I'm sorry," said Erina. "But that's impossible."

"Yeah," said the long-haired man. "And the longer you act this way, the longer you'll stay in."

"Akatsuki, what are you talking about?" said Erina. "This is conditioning, not time-out."

"I was just trying to get him to behave," Akatsuki tittered.

"What do you mean, 'conditioning?'" asked Akito. "What are you going to do with me?"

But Erina ignored him. "Let's go," she said to Akatsuki and the albino. As the party began to walk away, Erina looked over her shoulder. "And have someone feed the prisoner!" she said harshly.

"I still don't see why we need him," said Akatsuki. "I could pilot that thing just as well as he could."

"Weren't you paying attention at the briefing?" snapped Erina. "It only recognizes a certain pair of genetic codes. What that means is he's the only one who can do it! It's either him or we have Miss Fressange engineer another clone like Lapis, here." She gestured at the albino ten year-old.

"But is it really necessary to lock him up like that?" asked Lapis.

"Of course," said Erina. "He's far too weak in his present state. We want him as wild as possible if he's to be any use to us."

"Yes, ma'am," said Lapis submissively.

Meanwhile, Akito still continued to yell his lungs out. "You can't keep me here! I want to see my lawyer, dammit!" He flopped back on the floor.

He wasn't sure how much time passed, but eventually there came a light tap at the prison cell's door. Then, the food door opened, and a hand reached in to set down a Gekigangar plushy.

"Here." Lapis' voice came from the other side of the door. "This is so you don't get lonely."

In spite of everything, Akito almost laughed. She was probably too young to realize that he was too old for stuffed toys. "Thanks," said Akito. He smiled. "This is the first kind gesture I've had all day." He sighed. "I'm not sure how much it'll help, though."

"It'll help a lot," replied Lapis eagerly. "It always works with me." She paused. "Don't worry, Akito. This will all be over, soon." Then, she ran away.

"Hey, wait!" Akito called. "How did you... know my... name?" Once again, he sunk to the ground, contemplating the stuffed toy and the girl who had so selflessly given it to him.

---

Jun stood in the launch bay, trying not to think of how the other members of the Hakkeshu had embarrassed Yurika. He could handle being ignored, and he could handle being teased the few and far between times when he wasn't being ignored. But their own empress! How could Yurika tolerate such disrespect?

Jun's eyes widened as the doors to the hangar slid open. Somewhere in the back of his mind, Wanna be an Angel began playing. There she was, standing there, her blue-violet hair pinned up in a traditional Japanese hairstyle. Her bright blue eyes smiled at him with joy and friendship.

Jun sighed. If only it were love!

Abruptly, he realized Yurika was frowning at him. "What's wrong, Jun?" she asked him. Jun opened his mouth to speak, but Yurika abruptly cut him off. "You don't want to go, do you? I'm sorry. I know that you were shamed into volunteering, and that I'm at least partly to blame for it. If you want to back out now, I'll let you. I'll just let Saburota go in your place. Okay?"

"No," replied Jun. "That's not it. I'm honored to be going on this mission, Yurika. But..."

That was as far as he could get before Yurika pulled Jun into a bone-crushing hug. "Oh Jun, you're the best friend a girl could ask for!" she cried.

Jun sank. That was okay for some, but why couldn't he be more?

Yurika continued. "Just promise me that you'll be careful out there, okay?"

"I will," replied Jun. But deep down he knew that he would be breaking that promise. He'd have to, if he expected to accomplish his mission. Gently, he broke away from her. "Don't worry, Majesty," he said. "I'll retrieve Black Serena." I'll do it for you, Yurika! Then you'll love me. You'll see. With that, he boarded his Aestivalis.

"This is Jun Aoi. Aestivalis launch!"

---

Ruri frowned at all of the hard-core Hades Project Zeorymer fans. "What? Yurika's the Empress. She can say and do whatever she wants." Then, just to augment insult with injury, she added, "Purists are idiots."

---

Akito wasn't certain how much time had passed. It could have been five minutes; it could have been a month. The only thing he knew was that the door to his cell was opening. Akito's mouth widened into a near-insane grin. No doubt they'd made some sort of mistake, and were coming to offer their sincere apologies as well as his freedom. But his heart sank as the door only revealed that hated smirk he'd come to know so well when he'd first been thrown in this dungeon, flanked by two prison guards.

"Well," said Erina, "you're awake."

"Didn't you say that last time?" asked Akito.

Erina frowned. The last thing she needed was some wise-ass wannabe cook breaking her rhythm. "Details," she said with a dismissive wave of her hand. She then began twirling a pair of handcuffs around her index fingers. "It must be getting boring for you in here, Akito. Why don't we both go for a ride?"

"Do I have a choice?" asked Akito cynically.

Erina chuckled. "No, you don't." She and the guards approached him with the cuffs. As she put them on, Akito noticed that they were connected by a long wire. It would be so easy to use it to strangle her...

Akito was led outside to an armored prison vehicle. As he looked to the West, he saw the sun setting over the city. Nightfall would soon be upon him. It wasn't a pleasant thought, but at least he now he had a sense of time, albeit a limited one.

Soon Akito found himself in the back of the van with Erina and two prison guards, staring at the Gekigangar plushy that Lapis had given to him. "Aren't you a little old for stuffed animals?" asked Erina.

"You should know," replied Akito. "It was given to me by a member of your staff."

"Ah-ha," said Erina knowingly. "I see Lapis has been misbehaving again. I guess I'll have to punish her." She lifted the doll from Akito's hands...

...to reveal the gun he'd been hiding under it.

It all happened so fast. Akito jumped up, pistol in hand, wrapped the cuffs' wire around Erina, and dug the barrel into the bottom of her jaw. "Weapons down!" he yelled at the two henchmen.

"But I don't have a weapon," protested one of the guards. And it was true; his gun was the one Akito had stolen.

"Oh," said Akito, the wind taken out of his sail. "Well... uh... in that case... don't move?"

The guard shrugged as his comrade put his gun down. "Whatever."

"What are you idiots doing?" cried Erina. "Shoot him!"

"Do it and she's dead!" cried Akito.

"Oh, who cares?" said Erina. "I am not going to be taken hostage by a loser like you!" She stamped her foot at the guards. "Well, what are you waiting for? Don't tell me you're intimidated by some dumb cook!"

The dumbfounded guards scratched their heads. The one from whom Akito stole his weapon turned to the other. "Maybe we should call the union," he said.

Erina elicited a low growl. "If you don't kill this joker right now," she said in a menacingly quiet voice, "you're both fired."

"You can't fire us," said the guard. "In order for our services to be terminated, a complaint must first be submitted to our union representative. Then, within five business days, a meeting must be held to determine the validity of the complaint and..."

Abruptly, the other guard pointed to his watch. "Hey. Lunch time." He turned to Akito. "Excuse me, but do you mind if we take our lunch break?"

"Not at all," said Akito with a slight shrug.

"How can the two of you think of food at a time like this?" cried Erina, attempting to cash in on as many clichés as the situation would allow.

"Cut them some slack, would you?" retorted Akito. "I mean, they do get a half hour for lunch. Union regulations, you know."

"Easy for you to say!" said Erina. "You're not the one in a crisis situation, here!"

"Jeez, are you always this contrary?" Akito turned to the guards. "Well, I think I'll be making my escape with your boss, now. Enjoy your lunch."

One of the guards waved at him. "Thanks."

"Mmm... pickles... yummy," said the other.

Akito jerked open the door, grabbed Erina, and jumped out of the van.

The twosome landed in a small clearing surrounded by trees, Mount Fuji looming in the distance. Erina watched in horror as the van took off, leaving her behind. Angrily, she whirled on her hapless captor. "Well what now, mastermind?" asked Erina sarcastically.

Akito shrugged. "I don't know. To be honest, I didn't think I'd actually get this far."

"And boy does it show," said Erina dryly.

"Aw, shut up!" said Akito. He shook his fists at her. "Where are the keys?" he demanded.

"In with the guards, I'd imagine," replied Erina. "Why don't you just shoot them off? Or is that gun of yours just for show?" She smirked at him.

Akito's eyes narrowed at her tormentor. "Oh yeah? Well maybe I will! How do you like that?"

"Oh, please," said Erina. "Chances are, you've never handled a gun in your life."

Akito ignored her and began twirling the gun around, trying to find and angle that would allow him to shoot the handcuffs off of his wrists without killing himself in the process.

After watching him for some time, Erina rolled her eyes. "Oh, here!" she said. She drew out a set of keys. "Knowing you, you'll probably end up blowing your own brains out."

"I thought you said that you didn't have a set of keys," said Akito, frowning.

"I lied," replied Erina bluntly as she uncuffed him. "There, you're free. At least, for the next five seconds." She looked past Akito at a nearby tree branch.

Akito looked over his shoulder to see a camera watching the twosome. And that was when the ground opened up beneath him, and he fell screaming into the void, his gun flying out of his hand.

When he landed, he barely had time to get his bearings before an equally loud Erina fell right on top of him. Needless to say, he shouted what just about anyone would shout if a one-hundred-pounds-plus woman landed on him or her in a precarious position.

"Get off of me, Erina!"

But Erina wouldn't budge, and her hands tightened around his arms. "Now why would I want to do that?" she asked. "I think I'll just keep you restrained here until some help arrives." This time, her smile was almost seductive.

Akito swallowed. In a way, this was almost as bad as being detained in his cell. "W-w-wait a minute!" he said apprehensively as his face began to heat up. He tried to wiggle free, but Erina countered every move he made. Eventually, he found himself staring directly down her blouse.

"Knock it off!" snapped Erina. "The more you resist, the harder..." Her eyes widened. "And just what is that?" she cried, feeling a bulge from Akito's pants stabbing into her. As Akito felt Erina tense angrily, he let off a sound which was eerily similar to a boiling teapot. "You pervert!" she cried.

As armed guards rushed in, a resounding slap permeated the area. Erina and Akito both got up, the latter rubbing his swelling cheek.

"I see you still have a way with men, Miss Won."

Akito saw a blonde-haired woman in her mid-twenties walking toward him. She extended her hand in greeting. "Welcome to Last Guardian, Akito Tenkawa. I'm Dr. Inez Fressange, the head of technological development. I see you already know our commander."

"In the biblical sense, if that letch had had his way," muttered Erina.

"The hell you say?" retorted Akito. "You were the one crawling all over me!"

Erina was about to reply when a voice echo through the chamber. "Mister Akito! You came!"

Akito looked up to see Lapis Lazuli and Nagare Akatsuki standing on a walkway above them. Akito's eyes widened as he saw what was in the background.

"My God! It's a giant robot!"

It was nine meters tall, jet black with red trim, demonic wings, horns on top of its head, and a pointed tail in between its legs to top it off. Akito's face broke into a giant grin. "Totally awesome!" he cried. He hadn't quite outgrown giant robot anime shows, as he'd pretended to. In fact, he still watched Gekigangar 3 whenever he could.

"Impressive, isn't it?" said Inez. "This is the world's last hope of freedom; the super Aestivalis Black Serena. Akito, we want..."

Inez was cut off by a short earthquake puncuated by the blaring of klaxons throughout the hangar bay.

Dammit! thought Erina. We must be under attack! But if I tell him that, there's no way he'll pilot. Unless... She forced an irritated grunt. "Damn quakes. Always triggering the alarm." She turned to Akito, who was virtually salivating over the Aestivalis. "So, Akito... Care to take it out for a spin?"

Akito's head eagerly whipped toward Erina. "You really mean it?" he asked.

Erina smiled a little too benevolently. "Of course."

Akito stood there, disbelief registering on his face for a few heartbeats. Then, he turned toward Erina and bowed. "Thank you so much, ma'am!" he cried. Like a child rushing toward a Christmas toy, he headed toward the lift.

"Oh sure," said Akatsuki sardonically. "Give him an Aestivalis and he'll follow you anywhere. Is that it, Erina?"

"Would you rather I tell him that we're under attack?" asked Erina. "This was the best way to get him to fight."

"You're kidding me!" said Akatsuki. "You're going to put that fanboy up against an elite Hakkeshu pilot?"

"Of course," replied Erina coolly. "He is expendable, after all."

The palm of Akatsuki's hand slapped the railing. Dammit! I should be the one going out there. What do they think that dumb cook can do that I can't? He turned to Lapis. "Just make sure he doesn't break anything," he told her.

"Yes sir," replied Lapis.

---

In Last Guardian's command center, Erina grabbed her console to balance herself as another attack shook the underground complex. "Dammit!" she cried. "This is a secret, underground base! How could they have found us so easily?"

"Well, it is on every roadmap of the Mt. Fuji area," replied Akatsuki.

"What?"

---

Jun studied his roadmap and smiled triumphantly. "There you are!" he cried at the base which was his target. His Aestivalis aimed its rifle. "Long live Empress Yurika!" he cried as he fired.

---

Akito braced himself against the cockpit as another earthquake shook the hangar bay. "Jeez, doesn't this ever let up?" he wondered aloud. And who would be stupid enough to build their base on a fault line, anyway? But even still, he wouldn't let the tremors dampen his enjoyment. Just a few more items on the safety checklist, and then he'd be doing the very thing that he'd always dreamt of when he was a boy. He felt the adrenaline rushing to his brain at the thought as he flexed his hands on the controls.

Abruptly, a window opened to reveal Lapis sitting in a cockpit similar to his. "Communications check," she said. "Can you read me, Akito?"

Akito stared at the display for a pair of heartbeats. "Wow!" he said, which must have been for the tenth time since seeing the Aestivalis. "You have a robot, too, Lapis?"

"No. I'm in the co-pilot's cockpit below yours. We're going to pilot Black Serena together." She smiled at him. "It'll be just like on Gekigangar!"

"Well yeah," replied Akito. "Sort of. Except... didn't Gekigangar have three pilots?" He changed the subject. "So what parts do you control?"

Lapis was about to reply when a window popped up in front of hers to reveal a glowering Erina. "What's the hold up?" she asked. "Shouldn't you be underway already?"

"We were just finishing up our checklist," said Akito.

"You don't need to be doing that!" replied Erina. "Just get moving!"

"Yes, ma'am," said Lapis.

Erina's window closed. and an elevator lifted the robot out of the hangar bay. A pair of heartbeats later, Akito was back on the surface, the nighttime sky watching over him and Mt. Fuji looming in the distance.

Akito's jaw dropped. Before him stood another Aestivalis. "Another one?" said Akito. "Just how many of these robots do you guys have?"

Lapis once again appeared before him. "That's not one of ours!" she said. "That's one of the Hakkeshu's Aestivalis! It's the enemy!"

Akito's eyes widened in horror. "Enemy? Now wait just a damn minute! You never mentioned anything about an enemy!"

---

Jun's eyes lit up as he saw the giant robot rise up out of the ground. Finally! he thought to himself. Now I can prove myself worthy of Yurika's love! "ATTACK!" he cried, oblivious to his own corniness.

---

It was about the time that Jun opened fire that Akito had decided that he'd had enough. "Aww, this stinks! I did not sign up for this crap! Take me back down right now!" And then he yelled at the Hakkeshu. "Would you quit firing at me, dammit?"

A window opened to reveal Erina. "Just what do you think you're doing? Get in there and fight!"

"Are you crazy?" cried Akito. "I can't fight in this thing. I barely know how to operate it! And besides, what if I hurt the other guy in that Aestivalis?"

Erina's eyes narrowed at him. "Your kindness is commendable, but all it's going to do is get you killed. Defeating that Hakkeshu is the only way to survive."

Then, another window opened to reveal a young man with short blue hair in a pilot's suit. "Attention Black Serena pilot: My name is Jun Aoi of the Nadesico-ryu. Surrender your Aestivalis at once, and I will guarantee your safety. If you don't, I will destroy you!"

That sounded reasonable to Akito. He smiled gratefully at the pilot. "Fine. I'll be happy to surrender."

It took a while for Jun to swallow that. "Y-you will?"

"Of course," said Akito. "It's not like I wanted to take this thing into combat or anything."

Unfortunately for Akito, it was at this point that Lapis interrupted. "Akito, what are you doing?" she asked. Then, she turned to Jun. "You'll never take us alive, you evil Hakkeshu scum!"

"Lapis!" cried Akito. He rubbed the back of his head apologetically. "Don't listen to her. She just watches too much anime for her own good. I'll surrender, and..."

But by this time, Jun had put two and two together and had come up with about ten. "I don't believe you!" he snapped. "This is obviously some elaborate ruse to get me to lower my guard!" He charged Black Serena.

Akito screamed as he saw the Aestivalis flying toward him at full speed.

And then, suddenly, the Aestivalis wasn't flying toward him. It was flying past him, forty-five degrees to the left.

Akito swallowed. "Lapis, what happened?"

"We initiated a boson jump," replied Lapis.

"A boson jump?" repeated Akito incredulously. "What's that?"

Before Lapis could answer, Jun popped up again. "You dirty coward! Fight like a man!" He flew toward his enemy once again.

And just as before, Black Serena vanished, this time appearing behind Jun. "Toro! Toro!" cried Lapis enthusiastically. But Akito couldn't help but notice the small beads of sweat on her forehead. Probably just as scared as I am, he thought to himself.

Another window opened, and this time it was Akatsuki. "I like it," he said sarcastically. "A very safe and reliable method of engagement."

Akito's teeth bared at the long-haired vice-commander. It was bad enough that he had to fight some nutbar in a giant robot with no training, but to have to endure snide remarks while doing so was too much even for him. "Aw, shut up!" he said. "It's not like I asked for this! I'm just a freaking cook!"

"BIG ATTACK!" cried Jun. Once again, his machine gun fired. But the bullets bounced harmlessly off of Akito's distortion field.

"That old line?" asked Akatsuki. "What's the matter, Tenkawa? You can't handle this job?" His eyes narrowed at Akito. "Then get out of there and let a real man pilot that Aestivalis!"

"What did you say?" cried Akito. His hands tightened on the controls angrily. "You couldn't pilot a commuter plane into Tokyo Airport, you bastard!" He closed the window in a rage and turned his attention to his adversary, who was beginning to rush him again. And I'm sick of having to deal with you, too! More to blow off some steam than out of any real sense of self-defense, he deftly sidestepped Jun's Aestivalis and retaliated with a side-kick, following it up with an elbow smash.

Akito felt a surge of both triumph and surprise as Black Serena once again boson jumped. Whoa! How did I know how to do that?

Lapis once again commed Akito. "Way to go!" she cried. "Quick! Before he can get up, use your long-range punch."

"Okay," replied Akito. "I understand." But how do I understand? I've never piloted this thing before. Have I? Yet somehow, he knew. It was as if unleashing those moves on Jun's Aestivalis had unlocked a portion of his brain to reveal instincts that no other person possessed.

"And when you do it, yell, 'Gekigan Punch!'" said Lapis.

"Why?" asked Akito. "Is the attack voice activated?"

"No," replied Lapis. "It just adds drama."

Akito rolled his eyes. Man, I'm going to sound like an idiot. But... what the hell. "Gekigan Punch!" he cried. The Aestivalis' fist rocketed out toward Jun, slamming into the cockpit area and knocking him a hundred yards away.

Akito laughed triumphantly. "Take that, you oversized can opener!" Firing his boosters, Black Serena leapt into the air and soared downward, right foot extended. "Gekigan Kick!" he cried. The sole met the Aestivalis' head, crushing it like tin foil. "And that!" He grinned. "Hey, I'm not too bad at this piloting stuff, after all."

Before Jun could answer the flurry of attacks, Black Serena once again boson jumped. Akito opened a window to see Jun clutching his head. "Are you okay?" he asked. It was one thing to beat up on an enemy robot, but he had no intention of hurting the pilot inside.

"What do you care?" spat Jun. "Why did you even stop?"

"Because this is just plain stupid," replied Akito. "The only reason I got into this robot was because I thought it looked cool. I never counted on fighting another person in this thing. I don't even know why I'm fighting, or how I'm even able to operate it. I don't want to fight you, Jun. So why don't you surrender? Maybe then we can work this all out."

It was at the word "surrender" that Jun's eyes bulged. "NEVER!" he cried. "I won't be a failure. I'm going to defend my empress no matter what the cost! That's all I want to do! Defend my Yurika!"

Akito's eyes widened. That name. "Yurika." I remember hearing it somewhere before. Long ago. Where do I know that name from?

By this time, Jun had once again gotten to his feet. "I would die to protect you, Yurika!" His Aestivalis' armor opened to reveal every weapon imaginable. "SUPER-DUPER GARGANTUAN GIGANTIC ATTACK... WITH REDUNDANT SYNONYMS!" With that, every weapon fired. The attack merged into one big solid beam of white light and headed straight for Black Serena. Of course, the attack bounced uselessly off of the robot's distortion field. But that didn't stop Akito from nearly having an accident in his pants.

"Lapis," said Akito tersely. "He could attack again at anytime! Don't we have any weapons?"

"Not really," replied Lapis. "Except..."

"Except what?"

"Maximize your distortion field's strength and fly straight toward him," said Lapis. "And when you do it, yell 'Gekigan Flare!'"

"Do I really have to?" asked Akito with a groan.

"Yes!" answered Lapis. "It sounds so cool when you do it that way!"

Akito sighed. "Okay." With that, he flew toward Jun's Aestivalis, thrusting his fist out as his distortion field glowed brightly. "Gekigan Flaaaaarrrre!" he cried.

This time, the impact knocked Jun's Aestivalis clear into Mount Fuji. The robot slumped against the side of the mountain.

Jun coughed up blood. "I'm... not finished with you, yet. I'm... not going to fail."

Akito bared his teeth. "Haven't you had enough, yet?" he cried.

"You don't understand!" cried Jun. "I can't fail her! If I can capture Black Serena, she'll finally notice me! She'll finally... love me." His voice trailed off.

Akito's fists clenched as the big, black, demonic robot's distortion field glowed eerily. "You stupid moron!" he yelled. "You don't really think that stealing some stupid robot will win her heart, do you?"

"Y... you stole it from us," said Jun.

Akito's eyes widened.

It was at this point that a gigantic, white starship appeared over Mount Fuji. Akito swallowed. "What in the heck is that?" he asked Lapis.

"The Nadesico-ryu's flying fortress," replied Lapis. "It serves as their base of operations."

A window popped open in Akito's cockpit to reveal a stunning, blue-violet haired young woman dressed in a pink kimono. Her hair was pinned up in a traditional Japanese hairstyle. Akito's eyes widened. He had seen her before. But from where?

"Pilot of enemy robot, this is Empress Yurika Misumaru of the Nadesico-ryu." The face and voice were both equally stern, but Akito knew that this wasn't her true persona. Her true personality was much more gentle, kind, and... ditzy?

"That Aestivalis can no longer continue. I demand that you cease your assault at once!"

Then, Erina popped up. "Excuse me? Just who do you think you are? You are in no position to make any sort of demand on us or our pilot! Akito: Destroy that robot!"

"Oh, no you don't!" cried Yurika. "I've got all of our cannons aimed right at your base!"

"And my base is completely shielded! So there!" retorted Erina.

The two windows began shoving each other on the grid.

"Hey, hey, HEY!!" cried Akito. The two women turned to look him. "I'm the one whose piloting this thing, so just shut up! Empress, go ahead and take him."

"What?" cried Erina.

Abruptly, Yurika dropped her authoritarian attitude. "Oh, thank you so much!" she cried. "I hope he didn't cause you too much trouble. I mean, he's really such a sweetheart when you get to know him..."

"We'll see about this when you get back!" said Erina menacingly to Akito as Yurika espoused Jun's heretofore (and still) unknown qualities. The window vanished, leaving Akito with the chattering Empress.

Yurika's train of thought took an unexpected detour as she eyed the pilot. He looks familiar, somehow. Could it be? No... he's dead. Isn't he? "Excuse me," said Yurika. "I know this will sound strange, but... Have we met before? It just feels to me as though there's some sort of connection between us."

Akito nodded. "As a matter of fact... Yes, it does feel like I know you from somewhere."

"Omigosh!" cried Yurika zealously. "Really? Is your name..." Abruptly, Yurika's face was replaced by snow; her voice by white noise. Akito looked up to see that the Nadesico-ryu's starship had vanished.

As Akito descended into the underground base, he once again began to wonder how he was able to pilot Black Serena well enough to defeat an elite warrior such as Jun... and the name that had been on the tip of Yurika's tongue.

---

"Rock... paper... scissors!" Simultaneous groans and cheers went up from the Hakkeshu's ready room. But that was the least of Jun's concerns as he knelt before his Empress, forehead pressed to the ground. How could he face her after being so humiliated by his foe? What could he say to her that would appease her disappointment... her loathing of him? "Yurika, I..."

But before Jun could even begin to express his sorrows, Yurika was there, kneeling in front of him. "No, you have nothing to apologize about. I know you did the best that you could, under the circumstances. I'm just happy that you're still alive!" She wrapped her arms around him...

...and gently kissed his forehead.

Jun's face lit up like the sky graced by the morning sun.

"But you should rest after all that you've been through. I know that your fight against Black Serena just wore you right out, so I'm taking the mission out of your hands for now, okay?"

Jun would have bowed, except that the twosome were already on the floor together. "As Your Majesty commands," he said warmly.

With that, the twosome rose. "Your attention please," said Yurika to the other Hakkeshu. "I'd like to inform you of a decision I've just made."

As the other Hakkeshu stopped the rock-paper-scissors tournament to hear what she'd had to say, Yurika continued. "I've decided that instead of having all of you face Black Serena one-by-one, I'm going to confront it myself."

The Hakkeshu let out a whiny "Awwww!"

"Idiots," said Ruri.

"I'm sorry, but it's only fair. After all," she said with a smile, "I was the one originally slated to pilot it, anyway. Remember? You're all free for the time being," she concluded.

As the Hakkeshu left the ready room, Yurika once again contemplated the mysterious pilot of her target. Who are you? she wondered to herself. Akito... could it really be you? After all this time?

Yurika thought about this even as she drew up her plans to recapture her Aestivalis.
Ending Theme: Ending theme from Hades Project Zeorymer episode 4.

---

Next Episode

Yurika: Hello! I'm Yurika Misumaru, and I play Empress Yuratei in this Nadesico parody of Hades Project: Zeorymer.

[Akito captured by the evil Nadesico-ryu!]Personally, I thought this episode wasn't too bad, except that that nasty tramp Erina got too close to my Akito! And another thing about her... what? Oh, well.

[Lapis' daring rescue!]In the next episode, we finally learn the Why and How of Akito's connection to Black Serena and me, as well as Akito's birth... and a whole bunch of other stuff about Akito, too!

[Can Akito defeat the twin Jovian Aestivales?]That's going to be a pretty good episode, huh? It's the next episode of Hades Project: Black Serena:

---

Episode 1 Cast

Masato Akitsu Akito Tenkawa Empress Yuratei Yurika Misumaru Miku Himuro Lapis Lazuli Isao Oki Erina Kinjo Won Taiha Jun Aoi Si Aen Tsukomo Shiratori Si Tau Genichiro Tsukiomi Ritsu Saburota Takasugi Rockfell Ryoko Subaru Saiga Hikaru Amano Gisou Izumi Maki Luran Seiya Uribatake Masaki Kihara Hokushin Himself Nagare Akatsuki Herself Ruri Hoshino Herself Inez Fressange

Zeorymer of the Heavens Black Serena Lanstar of the Wind Jun's Aestivalis

---

Afterword to Revised Version

In case you hadn't noticed, yes; this is Hades Project: Prince of Darkness with a new title. The reason for the new title is I learned the real name of Akito's Aestivalis in PoD (tip of the pen to peacefuldays.org discussion forums) and changed the name to appease any nitpickers that will eventually come along. It didn't give a name in my fansub, so given the fact that Akito's Aestivalis had horns and a tail, I naturally assumed the name of the thing was Prince of Darkness. Oh well, whatever its name is, it's the best mecha in its weight-class, just like Zeorymer was.

The only major revision due to this name-change was in the self-MSTing intro, where a REALLY pathetic pun (the first ever to score a negative on the Izumi scale) was replaced by a much better exchange by Ryoko, Hikaru, and Izumi. Other than that, you've pretty much read the same fanfic as before.

And speaking of fanfics, it's time I started getting back to that, huh? Problem is, I don't know where to start. Aestivalis Wing ep. 2, Black Serena ep.2, Star Liner Nadesico series, going back to Ryoko's Whole Sort of General Mish-Mash, Tenchi on Lunar, or Galaxy Fraulein Yuna Versus Sailor Moon ep. 2. Or maybe my original giant robot anime series: Super Demonic Armored Fighter Genki series or Talos Defender of Labyrinth (working title).

I do know that I'm going to rent Zeorymer this weekend. But I just watch the second episode of Gundam Wing, too. Both have elements that are in desperate need of being parodied. "MEGA-SEARCHER BEAM!" versus "Those are torpedos! I can tell!" Hmm...

Original Afterword Below.

---

Afterword

Before I say anything, I have to thank James Gross for turning me on to Hades Project: Zeorymer, one of the most obscure and underrated giant robot anime OAVs out there. Not just because it made for such a fun parody/fusion, but also because I finally know there is a giant robot out there that could kick the crap out of an Eva.

For those of you that have never seen HPZ, it is the exact antithesis of Nadesico. It's so dark and depressing that every battle is fought at night, and every character is an emotional wreck. HPZ's cast is as small as Nadesico's cast is big. What you see up above is pretty much the entire cast (but that's not going to stop me from cramming Megumi and Minato in there somehow.) HPZ's Hakkeshu robots are super heavyweight-class mechs (around fifty meters tall), while Nadesico's Aestivales are light-heavyweights (or perhaps welterweights, if a giant robot could ever be that small). By all rights, these two should go together about as well as ketchup on a banana split. OTOH, maybe it's true that opposites attract. Maybe it isn't ketchup on a banana split we're dealing with here, but rather chocolate and peanut butter.

Otaku #1: Ow! You got your HPZ in my Nadesico!
Otaku #2: Ow! You got your Nadesico in my HPZ!
Otaku #3: Hey, this tastes pretty good!

Probably the biggest problem is casting. Most of the Nadesico cast doesn't quite go with the cast members of HPZ as well as they would with Tenchi or Gundam Wing. Originally, I wanted to cast Hikaru and Izumi as the Chinese sisters, since Izumi looks so much like them that its scary. (Interesting to note: Each Hakkeshu has an I Ching symbol on their robot. Si Aen is fire and Si Tau is water. But those symbols also mean Middle Daughter and Youngest Daughter, respectively. So who do you think Eldest Daughter is?) But then I realized that I couldn't break up the team, and so I cast them as the final three Hakkeshu members alive for episode four. (And you don't know how heart-wrenching it was to cast my Hikaru as Saiga! Saiga's the biggest jerk in anime; even Akatsuki pales by comparison.) Ryoko and Rockfell also have somewhat similar character designs, so that's my basis for casting. (And if you really want to get meta, Rockfell, Saiga, and Gisou have the same Id-Ego-Superego relationship that the Women's Wing have at times--which is also shared by The PowerPuff Girls. Don't ask me what they have to do with anything, though.)

However, one casting fit so perfectly that I wouldn't be surprised if one were an homage to the other. This, of course, is Jun being cast as Taiha; both of whom are motivated by their unrequited love for their female superior. In Jun's case, it's Yurika; in Taiha's case, it's Yuratei. And after they declare their love, neither are ever heard from again. However, it must be noted that while Yurika was too infatuated with Akito to notice Jun, Yuratei really did love Taiha back; but as leader of the Tekko-ryu, she felt that she couldn't express her love to him, since their roles as Empress and subject got in the way. And you thought Evangelion was full of dysfunctional relationships.

And now, a word on Lapis. Yes, I know that Lapis is OOC, but in my defense, I'll say that the reason we consider her to be so sinister and mysterious is she wasn't in the series proper. She just appeared out of nowhere, extremely close to Akito. She could be somewhat like the Lapis I've portrayed, but we don't know for sure, do we? That's one reason I wish they'd make a second movie. Also, if Lapis' character seems really erratic, I apologize, since while I know exactly where I'm going with Lapis' plot, I'm not too sure about where I'm going with her character. (However, if and when I get to her in Aesti Wing, she's going to be just as bad as in the movie. Don't worry.)

Unfortunately, I may not do that for quite a while, since it's on a low priority for now. My top priority is finishing Ryoko's Whole Sort of General Mish-Mash, since that's an unfinished novella and not a series where each chapter can stand alone, and since Ryoko got shortchanged again. (She always does in these fusions, doesn't she?)

So, once again, Happy New Year!

---

Commercials:

Hello, this is Time-Warner communications bringing you damn near everything that isn't owned by Microsoft these days. Why pop that bubble-wrap, throw tea parties, make yourself into a monster using only scotch tape, make paper airplanes, or recapture your youth with shadow-puppet plays when you can park your butt in front of that TV or computer like a vegetable? Remember, at Time Warner, we're letting your imagination run wild, something you could NEVER do on your own!

---

My name is Miku Hoshi. A lot of people think that I'm some sort of freak just because I'm the only girl in my space colony that has blue hair, but I'm really just an ordinary teenager. I live with my grandmother--who can be a bit of a pain--and I go to school just like everybody else. I also live in constant fear. But that's normal for anyone who lives inside a space colony. You see, there are this gigantic, demonic alien monsters called Oni who have been attacking the colonies; destroying them one by one until they reach the Earth. We try to defend ourselves, but the Solar Defense Force's "giant robots" are less than half the size of them...

I never thought it couldn't happen. But it did. An Oni ripped open our hull like it was tin foil and tried to destroy the colony. I thought we were all doomed. Then, a giant robot appeared, unlike any I'd ever seen before. It was easily as big as an Oni, yet it seemed to have unlimited energy, almost as if it could generate it without the need for fuel or batteries. As I climbed into the pilot's seat of this amazing giant, I realized that both of our fates were intertwined in ways that I couldn't begin to comprehend. And before the war was over, I'd begin to wonder if I really was an ordinary teenage girl!
Super Demonic Armored Fighter Genki
Coming in 2002!

---

New Austoonami Line up!

Monday through Thursday:

We've got a full hour of Sailor Moon as you've never seen it before! First, the battle for the undisputed Queen of Shojo anime rages on in Galaxy Fraulein Yuna versus Sailor Moon at 4:00, followed by Sailor Moon 2099 at 4:30. Then, at 5:00, its an Austoonami original: Super Demonic Armored Fighter Genki. Next, at 5:30, it's Japan's most popular anime ever! Martian Successor Nadesico. Afterward, the Nadesico cast spoof one of the all time greatest anime franchises ever with Aestivalis Wing at 6:00. And finally, at 6:30, it's Gundam Wing: OZ Angel Squadron.

But that's not all, Austoonami fans! On Fridays, we're bringing you the Austoonami OAV of the week. This week, those wacky Nadesico guys and gals are at it again, this time with their four-part parody of Zeorymer, Hades Project: Black Serena! Giant robots, time-travel teleportation, a pair of genetically engineered albinos, a ditzy underworld Empress planning to take over the world, and lots and lots of cream pies!

So get set, Austoonami fans! We're blowing up that annoying little robot and this time, he's staying blown up. And we're even including the opening animations. How do you like that?