Hamtaro Fan Fiction ❯ Hamtaro: Little Hamsters, Erotic Adventures ❯ Confessions of a Tainted Heart ( Chapter 13 )

Chapter 13: Confessions of a Tainted Heart

By: Undercover Ham-Ham Lover

Moments blurred…thoughts random and rampant…emotions on a roller coaster. Recalling such a moment among the others that are so distant and confined for the events that took place. I of all beings should know of my place, my time, and my obligations to this world as any other creature on this planet. My place…what is my place now after what has happened? In a moments pause the world changed. The comfort I found in the mid-summer night's breeze has turned into a frozen chill upon my back. Right, wrong, what does it matter? The world I had been observing from a distance has become even more distant, now more than ever, like an abominable force that I cannot shake or even able to fathom it's comprehension or lack of. Tears, tears as bitter tasting as the sands of time that have fallen upon a deserted shore, burn from my eyes floating across this wind, that held so much comfort only moments before. My mind is still ravaged, more of reality seeping in every second that passes. I clench my paws to understand exactly what happened, more tears blocking my vision, and forcing me to shut off my sight to this…world.

Moments pass, what seems to be an eternity in darkness spiraling with no end in sight, just an empty void which fully occupies my tainted soul. One word escapes my throat that was now choking back the tears and the anger and sorrow, and the pain. The pain…my paws clenched more that my nails dug into the palm causing a few small cuts into my once delicate touch. A few blood droplets escape my hold on my paws as my nails dig deeper, the pain relocating to my brain, keeping me awake during this nightmare. "Why…" escaped my cracked voice from all of the emotions swirling from within, trying to repel the thoughts that followed and accompanied them. My voice, once so lovely and quaint, so fulfilling and a wonder all its own was struggling just to keep myself from ending my existence from all the sorrow that has swept over me.

More time passes, the tears continue on an endless road from my eyes to my nose and down my cheeks. My mind continuing its onslaught of rational thought against the fantasy that my world has been shattered and replaced with this one…dwindling on the safer past that I had come to known and observe and learn from, the one where everything was so right and decent and good and…and…

I wanted to say something, what I used to say to myself all the time, being among the others and learning from them, becoming apart of, belonging was something I always tried for, a yearning. As much as my role among them was not the same, but more of importance, I felt obligated to always follow my instincts and uphold them. Instincts, is that what led me to this? My world was supposed to change? Everything? I wanted -no needed to say something, to make it all right as it was before, but I could not…I could not…I can't.

The tears taking a moment to not cloud my vision, I slowly reopen my eyes. The wind has stopped, the world seemed so vacant. The trees that provided a place of calm and relaxation and welcoming, were more foreboding and unrelenting. I released my grip from my paws and took in the sting of the aftermath of my mind's battle over fantasy and reality, and gazed into my stained features. The pain of seeing such a sight in the past would have completely sent me into a dismal state of despair and anxiety, but now I feel nothing…nothing is that a change as well?

My mind that has not stopped but continuously produced more and more images of my near-not-so-distant past. I shudder as more thoughts enter my mind, to the point that in my state of a trance that I do not notice myself at a pond and gazing into it, and seeing the figure stare right back. The figure seemed disfigured, not the same as the being gazing into it. The figure had many features that should have been so heavenly, so alluring, and so pristine…so…

I can't say it…as much as I want to, I cannot. That was the past that is not me…just a horrid facsimile. This cannot be me that I see…it cannot…unless…this…this is how the inside must look, in agony for answers, answers that I do not know. I fall to my knees and take a closer look at this impostor, and see if the charade is nothing more than that. No, just the last of my fictional thought before it finally escapes my mind completely, crashing into what is now the reality, the figure reflecting back upon myself in the pond.

I dip my left paw and cleanse the blood that has stained it. I let out a small gasp and clench my teeth from the sting of the cut against the cold depths of the pond. I dip the right paw right after the left. In this moment, I continue to gaze at the figure in front of me, wishing to speak something, but out of fear of it being repeated of the figure, I do not. My mind travels more upon this road of rationality where I believe it has taken a wrong turn, now wandering aimlessly until that cackle…that voice…his…voice.

My mind continues to haunt me of his voice…his voice grips my being like a vice, every essence that I hold dear has been wringed out of my being at the sound of his voice. My stomach now in complete knots, recalls his voice clearly, echoing through my shattered remnants of my mind. I remove my paws from the pond and wrap them tightly around my waist, wishing for the pain to subside, tears refreshed from their break in time, fall once more from my eyelids, burning them once more.

I sob alone for quite some time, not caring what else is going on in this world, I wanted my world back. This wasn't my world as much as the figure in the pond wasn't me. Words finally come to my mouth, words I had never said before, going against all nature and all of my values… "Damn him!" I coil into a ball on my side and continue to clench my waist, wishing that someone or something would wake me from this nightmare, this hell.

The sobbing subsides as I brush my paws on my waist and feel the texture upon it, this foreign matter that had no place on my being. The anger returns as more of reality seeps in as the jigsaw puzzle begins to set into place of my mind, the fragments becoming whole, the picture beginning to be seen. His voice still cackling in the back of my mind as a reminder, why I am like this, why I am not in my world but his. His world…that I must escape and return to mine, that is the only thing I can do…

I unravel myself from my position upon the dry grass I was using as comfort by the pond, unravel myself from my constraints and move closer to the pond. I slowly creep closer, the figure in the pond matches move for move as I move ever so closer. I reach my left paw and touch hers. She touches mine at the same moment as mine touches the cold water, causing small ripples to disrupt the clear vision of the figure upon the pond. I move closer and plunge my paw deeper into the water, taking in all the feeling of it as the figure gets closer still. I close my eyes and move closer, I hold my breath and move forward, into the cold abyss.

My senses seem fully awake as I am submerged in this place. My body and mind continue rationalizing everything that continues to go on and has happened, as I find some serenity in this new surrounding. Keeping my eyelids closed and no longer breathing, I move a paw to my stomach and remove the texture that has become a badge of shame and representing why I am here now. Suspending myself in this place moments longer I dwindle on my next destination…the wandering aimlessly has lead me to a fork in the road ahead.

Two paths have opened in this fork, one that has an end and one that has a beginning. The end seems so much closer than the latter destination as I can see more trouble in the horizon for this path. I dwindle more on what should be done and what path to take now as the one path seems closer and closer the longer I ponder my next destination. I take one last moment and rationalize my decision; do I want the end or the beginning? I make an agreement from within myself as well as a few bargains over my choice, and make my decision…

My nose pierces the reality of the cold wind as more of my being touches the air from the abyss as I awaken to the night sky. My eyes fully open I look around at this strange new world around me. It seems so distant, yet so close, seems so foreboding but yet so alluring…

The sun begins to rise from the east and I can see something shimmering as light is reflected back upon my being, something so familiar from the world that I had left behind, my wand. I creep slowly to this relic and upon reaching it; I pick it up and gaze upon it with different meaning. This symbol…of my past…my world…my time…my time…my world…

I stare at it a bit longer and move the tips of my claws upon the star that glowed in the sunlight, after a bit of concentration and thought, I remove the star from the shaft of the wand, and toss the shaft aside, not caring where it lands as it is behind me. I walk a few feet still staring at the star that is in my hand, I come across some string. I fashion with the string a crude necklace and tie the star to this and place it around my neck.

I take one last glance back at the pond and sigh, there was no turning back now…this world that is strange to me, the world that I chose not to be an end, but only the beginning, his world…I will make it mine…