Hamtaro Fan Fiction ❯ Primal Urges ❯ Maxwell's Problem ( Chapter 1 )

Primal Urges

A Story by Pathwarden based on the Hamtaro Anime (as recommended by a friend, I disclaim that I do not own hamtaro, merely making use of the fair-use clause of the copyright act. ^_^;)

Rated “PG-13” for adult content

One day, within the confines of the hamster community’s underground clubhouse, a certain, tiger-striped female sat alone at the central table. Her eyes stared out to nowhere, her voice occasionally emitting a sigh and the lips bent into a frown.

I wish he was here today…it’s been so long, the lonely hamster thought to herself.

Three days it has been, and already the anxiety of separation grew in Sandy’s mind like a boil. No smiles, no charming benevolence, no cuddling…life without her boy ham around was really beginning to stink.

“Hey, sis! How’s it going?”

That was Sandy’s twin brother, Stan. Apparently he had stopping flirting with the local hamster girls long enough to see that his sister was glum and blah.

“Hi, bro,” Sandy said unenthusiastically, not moving her eyes from the aimless gaze.

“Why so down, sis? Everyone’s having fun except you,” Stan pointed out.

“Oh, nothing’s wrong.” Sandy replied, though she did not do a good job of suppressing her saddened state.

“Oh, really?” Stan said, obviously not convinced, “Say, this wouldn’t, like, involve that bookworm, would it?”

Sandy turned to face her brother, annoyed by the jest. “He does have a name, you know.”

“Hey, easy there, sis,” Stan quickly sputtered, “I didn’t mean nuthin’ by it. But your love-boy Maxwell does read a lot.”

That last statement is certainly true: Sandy’s boy ham could probably be considered the most knowledgeable hamster in the entire community. But this trait had been earned in exchange for athletic fitness, for Maxwell preferred burying his nose in a book rather than keeping up a steady exercise routine. Despite this, his desire to help those in need of knowledge as well as his overall benevolence managed to woo Sandy without even trying, despite that the girl’s active lifestyle nearly makes her a polar opposite.

“Stan, I’m worried about Max,” Sandy confessed, “He hasn’t come to the clubhouse for three whole days.”

The twin brother shrugged. “Maybe his owner got a whole buncha new books or something. I bet he’d come back once he went through all of them.”

“But Maxwell wouldn’t shut himself up like that without saying anything,” Sandy retorted, “Something could be wrong. He could be, like, down with the flu! Or worse!”

Stan chuckled. “Like, can hamsters really catch the flu in summertime?”

“It could happen!” Sandy rebutted.

“Are you sure?” Stan asked jokingly.

“YES!”

Sandy’s sudden outburst effective silenced the whole of the clubhouse, for everyone halted to stare, surprised, at the incredibly tense female. Needless to say, Sandy felt quite infinitesimal; but her quick-lip brother managed to save face:

“Hey guys and gals, there’s nutthin’ to see here. I was just tellin’ my sis about the new dancing ribbons at the store today.”

Whew…thanks, bro, Sandy thought.

“In fact,” Stan continued, as he suddenly grasped Sandy’s paw, “We’re about to head to the store right now to check it out, as a family thing!”

Huh? W-what’s he doing?

“So, if you excuse us, ham-dudes,” Stan concluded, dragging his confused, twin sister towards the clubhouse exit, “We gotta jet! Be back soon!”

Upon those last words, the clubhouse door had already been closed tight behind the tiger-striped twins. Stan released his grip, immediately dashing towards the awaiting network of subterranean tunnels.

“C’mon, sis! Try to keep up!” Stan called back.

With no other choice, Sandy scurried after her brother. “Hold up, Stan! Like, where are we going?!”

“Don’t you want to see how your boy ham’s doing?”

“Well, yeah! But why are you coming along?”

“Just makin’ sure you two lovebirds don’t get any bright ideas!”

“Stan, you perv!” Sandy exclaimed, “I’m gonna get you for that one!”

She dramatically sped up to deal a punishing tackle, sending her cackling brother packing.

--------------------------------------------

And so, the hamster twins made their way speedily through the underground network. Fortunately, Stan and Sandy knew the concealed routes like the back of their paws, so the trip to Maxwell’s home- a library, of course –proved to be quick and painless. Access to secret entryways to the very room where the bookworm’s cage was stored made their excursion even easier.

However, locating the specific position of the cage proved more difficult than expected, for the room was swamped in numerous volumes that consisted of the human book-keeper’s personal archives. The old saying of ‘a needle in a haystack’ could not have applied any better to their predicament.

“Heh, I bet this’ll be exactly how his heaven’s like,” Stan commented during the extensive search. Sandy uttered no reply, more concerned with the possibility that her dear Maxie-Waxie could be engulfed in unspeakable, horrible pain.  If that was not the case, however, Sandy’s boy ham would have a lot of explaining to do.

After rummaging through many gigantic books, the pair of siblings finally found Maxwell within his own cage. The brown-coated hamster of literary excellence, much to Sandy’s great annoyance, appeared as healthy as a newborn, resting on top of his stomach quietly while flipping the pages of his personal, hamster-sized book.

The footsteps of unexpected visitors reached Maxwell’s sensitive ears, and quickly turned to see the twins peering down at him. Their expressions communicated the message loud and clear: “Youse in deep trouble, boy!” Maxwell’s countenance responded with the expression of “Oh, Crap!”

“Um, Hi, Sandy!” Maxwell said nervously, not moving from his prone position as the siblings entered his cage. They stood before the presumably inconsiderate boy ham, arms crossed, as their hard interrogation commenced.

“Maxwell, you jerk! Like, what’ve you been doing all this time?!” Sandy questioned irritatingly, her eyes hinting at impending doom.

“Believe me, Sandy, it’s not what you think,” Maxwell tried to say, but Stan interrupted, saying “Listen, Max. Lesson numero uno: Always keep in contact with your date!”

“And you haven’t done that in, like, three whole days!” Sandy pointed out, “I thought you were sick or something but now I see you’re just fine! Well, you better have a good excuse!”

Maxwell’s voice turned meek. “Um…well, actually I have been suffering from an illness.”

“Like what? The flu?” Stan said sarcastically.

“No…it’s something worse. Much worse. I’m not sure whether or not it’s contagious.”

“Heke?” Sandy said.

“It’s something that seems to be very…selective.”

“Selective?” Stan inquired.

“Yes, very selective,” Maxwell answered, drops of sweat rolling down his brown fur, “And I don’t want to infect anyone else with it, so please…keep your distance.”

The bookworm’s anxiety openly leaked out, slightly perplexing the twins before him. In fact, the prone hamster appeared so tense that Sandy was already prepared to forgive him; but Stan wasn’t buying it.

“You know what I think?” Stan said, “I think you’re just making all this up because you don’t have anything good enough to save face. And you know what else I think? I think you should get off your lazy ham-butt and say sorry to my sis for acting like such a deadbeat!”

“But Stan, I think he’s telling the truth,” Sandy protested, now wishing her brother had not come along.

“Pffh. Right. If he’s telling the truth, then I’m a gerbil!”

Maxwell’s tone now grew desperate. “Stan, please don’t force me onto my feet. You definitely don’t want to see my ailment. It is so grotesque; it will forever haunt your dreams!”

Stan rolled his eyes. “You really are loaded with bull, aren’t cha?”

“Stan, please!” Sandy tried to say, but her brother’s resolve was made as clear as spring water:

“I’m gonna prove this guy’s just weaseling out of trouble, sis! Right now!”

Stan stomped up to the lying Maxwell, whose eyes popped wide in horror as the striped brother grabbed onto the ears and began to forcefully pull upward.

“No, wait, don’t!” Maxwell cried, but Stan ignored the pleas, forcing Maxwell upon his feet and revealing the bookworm’s white underbelly...And at once, the twins screamed like little sissies, recoiling all the way to the entrance of the cage.

“Like, what the heck is wrong with you?!”

“It’s huge!”

“Enormous!”

“I think it just moved!”

“That thing nearly touched me!”

“Hold me!”

Stan and Sandy held each other tight, their fur standing on end from the horror of the monstrosity that protruded out of Maxwell. The bookworm hamster hastily covered it up with his personal book, his face now a deep shade of crimson.

“Well, I hope you’re satisfied!” Maxwell cried, “Now you’ve seen what I had to deal with for the past three days!”

“Max…what was that thing?” Sandy asked, still recovering from the shocking sight, even though the twins had stopped hugging each other tightly.

“You mean you have no idea?” Maxwell asked in disbelief.

“No, I’ve never seen anything like it!”

“Oh, dear,” Maxwell muttered to himself, before turning to the male twin, “Stan, could you tell her about…well, you know?”

“Me? Nuh-uh, no way, you tell her!”

“I don’t think I’m the one who should.”

“She’s your girl ham!”

“She’s your SISTER!”

“Alright, alright! I’ll tell her!” Stan conceded, grumbling, “Sis, come close.”

Sandy’s large hamster ear approached Stan’s tiny hamster mouth as the specific intricacies of the male hamster’s reproductive system were fed into her conscience. By the end of the quickie lesson, Sandy’s face matched Maxwell’s in expression of pure embarrassment.

“You mean it gets THAT big when…um…”

“Yes! And please don’t make me say all that again!” Stan pleaded, feeling like he just talked dirty to his own sibling.

“But, like, isn’t that normal then, Max?” Sandy questioned her boyfriend.

“Assuming you are five seconds away from…er…the initial process of re-creation, then yes,” Maxwell answered, “But the organ is like this not because I’m aroused, but because I had eaten a piece of a blue diamond thinking it was a diamond of sugar…that was three days ago, and it hasn’t swelled back down since!”

“Say what!?” Stan exclaimed, “There’s, like, candy that gives males a hard-on!? That can’t be for real!”

“No, of course it’s not possible, Stan. I’m really just a simple-minded pervert whose only objective is to take away your sister’s virginity in as many an erotic positioning as possible.” 

Stan, mentally paralyzed by the sudden rush of disturbing imagery, crumpled to a fetal position upon the ground, mumbling utter gibberish.

“Maxy, did ya, like, have to be so vivid?” Sandy complained, “You know how protective my brother is.”

“Sorry, Sandy, I was only trying to make a point,” Maxwell answered sincerely, “But to tell you the truth, this problem I have effects my thinking greatly. Hardly a minute goes by without the thought of thoroughly copulating with the nearest female available. It has gotten so bad that I fear that no girl in the clubhouse would be safe from my primal urges. It’s as though I’m becoming an entirely different hamster…one that should be locked up, unless an unsuspecting female is to be wrongfully abused.”

Maxwell turned away from his girl ham. “Sandy, please go…before I lose control.”

Never before has Sandy seen her boy ham so dismayed. It was as though Maxwell’s innermost weakness had burst out without warning, ravaging his weak frame and terrifying his own mind. He feared he became a monster, so he isolated himself to protect loved ones. But was he really doomed to be forever aloof from society? Surely, it wasn’t as bad as he made it sound!

“Maxy…I don’t see what you’re so scared of,” Sandy began, “It’s like you think you’d want to hurt somebody, but we both know you’re, like, a really nice guy. Any one of the girls would feel safe by your side…especially me.”

Maxwell turned to face Sandy. “Even if I’m like this?”

“Yeah,” Sandy answered.

Silence.

“Like, you should come back with Stan and me and hang out with everybody,” Sandy continued, “You shouldn’t have to miss out on our fun. And I, like, missed having you around.”

Maxwell stared deeply into his girl ham’s beady eyes. Within them he saw sincerity, understanding, and a true desire to help those in need. A soft grin escaped his lips.

“Ok then, I’ll go, but on two conditions,” Maxwell answered, his tone more confident, “First, unless we wish to gross everyone out, I’m going to need a loincloth.”

“Um…ok, then…what’s the second thing?” Sandy inquired.

“If I inadvertently start to grope someone, please feel free to conk me on the head.”

“Sure thing,” Sandy acknowledged, now grinning as well.

“I suppose we should snap your brother out of his stupor now.”

“Yeah.”

And so they did, awakening the hamster who would now watch Maxwell like a hawk.