Hamtaro Fan Fiction ❯ Primal Urges ❯ Epilouge ( Chapter 7 )

AUTHOR’S NOTE: Well, “soon” is a very loosely used in this case. I must apologize for the very long wait. After much thought, this is what I came up with for an ending. Hopefully it will sate your desire for literature very well. :) Thanks to all who reviewed. I’m glad so many were able to enjoy it.

EPILOUGE

“Ahem…Ahem! If you’re all seated, I shall begin.”

Maxwell stood in fromt of a chalkboard, the words “AN EXPLANATION OF TODAY’S INCIDENT” in bold, white letters. Those attending this meeting – all who witnessed the near-violation of Bijou and the resulting chaos that had followed – had little to no comprehension of literacy, so the writing might as well have said “How I learned to stop worrying and love the premarital, hot, wild fornication with my girlfriend.” What they DID understand, however, was that Maxwell – no longer wearing the loincloth since his obscene visual had mysteriously disappeared – had explaining to do, and he had a visual aid hidden beneath a piece of cloth to assist.

There were a few who did not attend: Penelope, much too young for the topic; and Sandy, who, knowing all too well how the situation was remedied, agreed to keep the baby hamster entertained in another, far-off part of the clubhouse.

“As you all know,” Maxwell began, “Today my conduct in the romance game was…less than civilized.”

“It sure wasn’t!” Howdy proclaimed, “You were as horny as a trumpet!”

The poorly executed joke earned the hamster with the southern accent a prompt bonk on the head by the field hamster, Boss, supplemented with icy glares from most of the others- except for Hamtaro, who is always confused on such manners. Howdy grumbled, but eventually caved in to the pressure and fell silent.

“Anyways,” Maxwell continued, “I have already made my deepest apologies to Bijou, as you all witnessed a few minutes ago. I hope that forgiveness has been granted to me.”

The hamsters confirmed this, especially the French sweetheart.

“I’m grateful,” Maxwell said, slightly blushing, “Now, I must lay out my explanation.

“Four days ago, I had come across…this.”

Lifting a tablecloth that happened to be covering the object of great mystery, he revealed a blue, diamond-shaped pill of hamster football size, the peculiar marking of “Pfzer” engraved on one side.  

“I, my friends, made the mistake of identifying this odd candy as a diamond of sugar,” explained Maxwell, “I was so eager to indulge in such a cherished sweet that I had consumed it in whole without so much as a second thought. So you can imagine my shock and dismay when, minutes later, my…thing…became irreversibly solidified!”

Pashmina, the poor female hamster wearing the pink scarf, almost came under another fainting spell, despite Maxwell’s gracious use of euphemism. Dexter and Howdy worked together to support her.

“Since then, up to a few hours ago I was under the curse of…well, you know…want to copulate,” Maxwell said, now feeling awkward, “It was only today that Sandy and Stan found out about my problem and helped me to confront it….but, as you know, all those attempts backfired, the incident at the romance game being the worst of them. Not only did I lose control; I also unwittingly infected Bijou with the same fever, almost driving her mad with lust!”

This, of course, conveniently skipped over the fact that she was already having serious relationship problems that had exploded to titanic proportions with Maxwell’s embrace. Thankfully, the other hamsters overlooked this omission and murmured emphatically for her suffering.

“It was only lucky that I stumbled on the solution to my problem,” Maxwell said, “Thus, everything is back as it should be. Had I not, I wouldn’t have survived the madness.”

Stan raised an inquisitive paw. “Max, how exactly did you solve your problem?” He asked, a disturbing image gnawing at his conscience.

“Um…it’s probably better that I don’t tell you,” the intellectual answered sheepishly.

“Max, I’d really like to know,” Stan responded, growing more anxious.

“It’s not something I can say in public with such sensitive minds about. You REALLY don’t want to know,” Maxwell reasoned, trying to sidestep the inevitable.

“Max…I HAVE to KNOW, ok?” Stan nearly growled, causing Maxwell to gulp the knot in his throat, before the intellectual finally sighed in defeat.

“Ok, I’ll tell you,” he said, “But I must whisper it to you.”

Stan emerged from the group and stood in front of Maxwell, presenting his left ear for the information. Maxwell, after a long stretch of hesitation, began the story, doing his best to speak with as small amount of “bluntness” as possible. He detailed the leather, the lessons, the positions, and, suddenly growing very enthusiastic and not realizing he was starting to gloat about his sexual experience to his lover’s own brother, he talked about how remarkably acrobatic, enduring, and “creative” Sandy was, especially with the male-dominant positions. Needless to say, Stan petrified like a statue, his face frozen in unspeakable horror, as he collapsed to the floor in silent shock, drool dripping from the side of his mouth. Maxwell’s audience gasped at the sudden mental breakdown, but the intellectual was quick to calm them.

“As you can see, the solution was so terrible that it caused poor Stan to faint!” Maxwell said.

Stan would also slip into a manic depression for two days and be induced into chronic vomiting whenever he laid eyes on his sister, Sandy, the newly acquired mental images branded into his mind. Alas, no one possessed that kind of foresight.

“So, to conclude,” Maxwell said, picking up the blue diamond with his forepaws, “If you ever come across this object, for the sake of everything that is good in this world, DON’T EAT IT!”

Almost as if on cue, a Hamster who had conveniently missed all of the events of today stumbled into the room. It was Cappy, the young male hamster who wore his green-colored swimming cap. Normally he was a very quiet fellow; but when his eyes caught sight of the item in Maxwell’s paws, the youth let out a loud, deep gasp that startled Maxwell into dropping the said item. It rolled eagerly to Cappy, stopping at his feet, inviting him to take the horrible bait.

“Wow…a real diamond of sugar! I call dibs!” Cappy exclaimed.

The young hamster picked up the volatile “candy.” His mouth opened wide, like an eternal void ready to consume his cherished treat. Time seemed to slow down for everyone at that point, like an overly dramatic action movie, as all who were present (and conscious) screamed “Nooooooooo!” at the top of their lungs, while Maxwell executed a trademarked Bulletdodge in a desperate attempt to save Cappy from lustful damnation.

Alas, it was too late. Cappy bit and swallowed. Maxwell missed and fell flat on his face. Then, the obscene visual sprang out of Cappy like a released rubber band. The audience gasped once more.

“Ahhh! What happened to my thing?!” Cappy exclaimed, dropping the pill, as Bijou and Pashmina ran screaming for their virginity. “I feel…funny…”

THE END