Harry Potter - Series Fan Fiction ❯ Coven of the Rose ❯ Chapter 09 ( Chapter 9 )

[ A - All Readers ]

DO NOT IN ANY WAY TAKE THIS STORY SERIOUSLY, IT'LL GIVE YOU A HEADACHE AND CAUSE SQUIRRELS TO SPONTIANIOUSLY CUMBUST. THE SQUIRRLES ARE REBELLING…RUN RUN FOR YOUR LIVES…

AGHAAAAAAAAA! IT’S SQUIRREL GIRL AND SHE’S GOT A PHASER RIFLE! RUN, RUN FOR YOUR S-A-N-I-T-Y!

This is my version of a Harry Potter revenge fic, but after a couple of years in Azkaban he's not quite sane anymore. He has some sanity left, but it doesn't really affect him anymore.

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Coven of the Rose
Chapter 09 – We've Got The Little Bastard Now
By CRose
© 2006
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Harry laughed as the Pensive finished playing the destruction of Riddle Manor yet again. Beside him Hermione just sat in her chair. He could tell that she was in a state of shock at what he’d pulled off.

“Wha…How…”

“I had the elves pop over to the dragon preserve and cast a few spells for me. Once the dragons were in position I explained what I wanted and they were all for it and spent a few minutes giggling. When they found out whose house they were ‘bombing’ they couldn’t wait to ‘drop their load’.

Hermione slapped his arm and huffed. “I can’t believe you’re doing these things.”

“The whole wizarding world turned their backs on me Hermione. That’s why I’m doing this. Revenge, revenge for my godfather, my parents, and everyone else that’s been shafted by the wizarding world’s idea of right and wrong.” Harry snarled. Then downed half a bag of popcorn. “This stuff is pretty good. Never had it before, want some, I think I have another bag of the stuff around here somewhere.”

“Harry…”

“You know, I’m thinking of building my own inner circle.”

“What!?”

“Well Voldemort has his circle and the old fart has his own version, why can’t I have mine?” Harry whined.

“Because you aren’t going to do that!”

“Feh, actually I was thinking about it last night as I roasted a marshmallow over the burning pile that used to be Riddle Manor…”

“You what?!” Hermione screamed. “You went back?!”

“…and I think Luna would be a great addition. She’s got a great way of looking at the world. Oh, and thank you for giving me the idea for last night’s mission.” Harry said and patted her on the back.

“So you only ate one marshmallow?” Hermione asked, still a little shocked and not processing information fast enough.

“Well, I had a whole bag, but then the elves wanted to try them too. So I sent them off to get some graham crackers and chocolate bars so we could eat smores.”

“You what?”

“Then the elves beat this other elf up, one of the new recruits I think, for trying to sing Kum By Ya, or whatever it’s called. I was to busy laughing at them to stop them…”

“What do you mean I gave you the idea to use those dragons?!” Hermione finally caught up.

Harry nodded. “You were describing that stuff from World War Two the other day and comparing it what’s happening now.”

“So?”

“Well those bombing runs you described gave me the idea.”

“I did not tell you to have two dragons shit on Riddle Manor!”

Harry barked a laugh. “True, but it was just too good to pass up. Now I’ve got think up my next foray into the world.”

Hermione huffed.

“Hey, let’s blow up all the toilets in Hogwarts!”

“No!”

“Ah, you’re no fun anymore.” Harry muttered. “So, any dip left? I wanna watch the house go up again.”

“I’m not going to be able to talk you out of any of this, am I?”

“I suppose I could be persuaded.” Harry admitted. “Though why you don’t want to watch the Pensive again is beyond me.”

“I don’t care about the stupid memory!”

Harry nodded. “Good, grab some popcorn and we can plan how to recruit Luna into our group.”

Defeated, Hermione collapsed into the chair next to Harry and nibbled on some popcorn.

Harry grinned, he loved to win and handed her a pudding cup. “Here.”

“Where did you get this?”

He looked to the side. “Um, you don’t want to know.” And hit the play button to watch the dragons again. “Hehehehehe.”

Splut Splut

oooooooooo

From the Quibbler on Monday…

…Bellatrix Lestrange was delivered to the Ministry yesterday afternoon. Normally this would be a good thing, but the Ministry is hiding some facts from you, the public. The notorious death eater famous for torturing the Longbottom family into insanity just hours after He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named vanished was found in the middle of Auror Command dressed as a baby. Wearing a diaper, booties, and making weird baby noises…

…Today in Hogsmead, fifteen women at the Hogshead bar were mugged and their underwear stolen by a group of green robed house elves…

…All across the Wizarding world Muggleborn Witches and Wizards have started to find bags of galleons just appearing in their homes along with a note written by You-Know-Who apologizing for being a dick head…Sources are trying to confirm if this is true…

…Muggle authorities scratch their heads as five truck loads of triple ply toilet paper vanishes before their eyes, witnesses mentioned several small animals in green robes near the trucks just before everything vanished…

…Prank Lord Potter spotted roasting marshmallows…

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"Harry, what are you going to do with all those books?" Hermione asked as she looked out the window later in the day.

"What books?"

"The ones that you stole from Knockturn Alley."

Harry blinked a few times. "I took books?"

"Harry!"

He laughed. "You are way too easy to rile up lately Hermione. I'm not sure what I'll do with them at the moment. Why?"

"I wanted to read a few of them." She tried to look cute and innocent. "Please?"

"Well they do need to be sorted into safe books and RUN-FOR-YOUR-LIVES-ITS-GOING-TO-EAT-YOUR-SOUL!!!! books. The elves can do that though."

"Anything is better than that!" Hermione yelled and pointed out the window.

Harry wandered over and glanced out side. "Ah, it seemed like a good idea at the time."

"That's all you have to say?!"

Harry shrugged. "It's a good use for the things. I'm glad the elves thought of it."

"They're building dog house out of dark arts books!" She yelled.

It was then that Harry realized that Hermione loved books. So much so that didn’t care what was in them, just so long as she could read them. "The dogs need a dog house."

"Then conjure one up!"

"But…"

"No! I want those books in the library where they belong!" Hermione yelled, even her face was starting to take on a Dursley like shade of red. For a second Harry thought she was going to start frothing at the mouth too.

"But…"

"Now!"

Hanging his head, he wandered out of the room and down into the back yard. The elves weren't happy about it either. They thought it was good use for the books. The dogs, strays that only came around every few days, would have liked a place to come out of the cold. After all what else could anyone do with a thousand darks arts books?

Maybe he could use them to line the bottom of a privy? Naw, Hermione wouldn’t like that either. Once that was done Harry let Hermione start reading through the books he thought were safe enough. As soon as she was occupied he grabbed his green robe and headed outside. He had several ideas running through his head and wasn’t sure which one to do first.

“Master.” A voice hissed.

“Hello little one.” He said to the little gardener snake. “What’s going on?”

“I’ve been asked to tell you that the bearded moron is going to set a trap for you.”

Harry blinked. “Hmm, were you given anymore details?”

“He can track your magic now.” Was hissed.

“Thank you little one. I’ve been expecting this so I’m not surprised.”

The snake nodded and slithered off under a nearby bush. Snakes were a pragmatic bunch and didn’t like to waste time or words. He'd known for some time that either Dumbledore or Voldemort would find a way to get to him. It wasn't as if he was hiding either. In the last few weeks he'd made about a dozen appearances in public.

He'd only really been making Dumbledore's life hell as an after thought. All his victims came first and the old man after the fact. A spur of the moment attack that was to good to pass up. Over the last year several plans were tossed to the side as he built up his magic and knowledge. "Scar."

The House Elf appeared with a little pop. "Master?"

"How goes the round up?"

"As far as we can tell, we've collected over three hundred death eaters and have them stored below."

"How many are left to grab?"

"About a dozen. All of them are just supporters though and haven't taken the mark like the others."

"They hold positions of power?"

"Yes sir, with the Wizengamot."

Harry hummed to himself as he considered the final few. He didn't really care about the Wizengamot anymore. It wasn’t' as if he had any good experiences with them after all. If the whole thing collapsed under its weight, he'd just laugh his head off and not think about them anymore. "Good, we'll have to hit them soon, but they aren't that important. Just cut off their money and they'll be squealing like babies the first time they have to do something themselves."

Scar nodded.

"Now, it seems Dumbledore has found a way to track me."

"We haven't detected any kind of tracking spells on you or any of the elves. How?"

"I'm not sure, but I think we need to set plan 'A' in motion."

"Of course sir." Scar smirked.

Harry's plans were a bit odd, well, mainly odd with a dash of weird, strange, and crazy mixed in to get things just right. As Scar vanished, Harry headed back into the house and headed to his newly discovered Focus Room. He stood at the barrier that covered the entrance for several seconds before stepping through.

Hermione would have chewed him out for being reckless enough to just enter the room, but ever since he found it, he'd felt it calling to him. According to his library and some things he read while at Hogwarts places like this were treasured among the pureblood families. They were great for performing rituals and specialized potions.

Now that he was in the room he realized that it looked different. Far larger than what he could see from the barrier. He made his way over to the far end of the room and found several cabinets lining the wall. Something about the room was drawing his attention as he moved. A complete lack of sound, as if the very walls were absorbing any noise he made.

Raising his hand, he willed his magic to open one of the cabinets.

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From the Quibbler on Thursday…

…was found today that Minister of Magic Cornelius Fudge's office walls are covered in hundreds of pairs of women's underwear. Everything from normal everyday wear, sexy lingerie, to giant granny panties covered every square inch of his office…

…For the fifth day running Godrics Hollow village is covered in billions of butterflies.

…Smores, Prank Lord Potter's own special recipe, just take a burning death eater's house, chocolate…

…Azkaban Prison, could it be the true site of Prank Lord Potter's base of operations? The Quibbler and the Public wish to know the truth, but can you handle the truth? Inquiries were impeded by guards throwing this reporter out the front door of the prison…ouch...

…World renowned author Gildroy Lockhart found sleeping with a poster of himself, sales of his books actually increase…

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It was early afternoon when Harry appeared in Diagon Alley. He wasn't wearing his usual green robe, so no one really noticed him as he looked around. Instead he had a simple glamour covering his face making him look like a normal teen for a change. He smirked a little as he noticed that Fred and George's store was packed full of customers. The House Elf on the roof mooning everyone that entered was a great touch.

Harry recalled Dobby telling him about it the other day. Shrugging, he spent the next few minutes wandering from store to store, not really buying anything, just window shopping. He would have brought Hermione, but she was visiting her parents. This was good thing, since she was starting to lock herself in her room and make weird noises.

Every thirty seconds or so he would look around, as if expecting someone, then go back to window shopping. Eventually he wandered over to Gringotts and wondered if he should do anything about his account. He wasn't to worried about the money, he had all of Voldemort's gold after all, but he didn’t want the ministry to have access to his family money either.

The Goblins weren't on his list of victims either. Shrugging that off, he decided to check his vault anther time. Out of the corner of his eye he spotted several house elves as they congregated on the roof of a building. One of them waved at him and made a complicated signal that required it to put it's leg over its head and wiggle around. Harry nodded and kept on walking, though he still wondered where the little bugger had come up with the idea of such a signal.

His elves were weird.

Suddenly he felt a want being pressed into his back! He looked over his shoulder. "Hiya Professor Moody."

The grizzled old Auror snarled at him. "I should hex you where you stand you little bastard."

"I was just having a little fun." Harry protested, he didn’t look innocent at all. Its kind of hard to hide a smirk as it forms.

"Keep your hands where I can see them or else." He prodded Harry in the back again.

"No problem." This was going to be nasty. Harry wondered if what Moody would do when he realized what was happening. Right now he just hoped cooking up that potion in the bathtub had been worth the time.

At that moment Albus Dumbledore apperated in and walked over to them. "I see we finally caught you, Harry. It's time for you to go back to Azkaban."

Harry glared at the old man. "Um…No." He said mildly.

Another hard prod to the middle of Harry's back sent him stumbling forward a couple of steps. "You will go where you belong." Mad Eye growled.

He quickly regained his balance and smirked. "It was the house with chicken legs wasn't it?"

Moody started to turn red with anger. "Harry Potter, you are under arrest for multiple counts of…"

"You’re retired old fart." Harry snorted. "Anyway, I haven't broken one law since I left Azkaban and you know it. It’s not illegal to prank people."

"You've disrupted lives, gotten people fired, and sent dozens to St. Mungos, boy."

Harry shrugged. "They deserved it. Eh, BWAK BAKBAKBAK BAAAACK!"

Albus Dumbledore was giving him a 'you should feel guilty for that' look.

Moody raised his wand and snarled. Little sparks of magic started to jump out of the end of the wand. "That's it you little bastard."

"I'm sorry it had to come to this Harry." Dumbledore said. Though Harry could tell that he didn't mean it a bit.

Harry smirked and started to glow. "Yeah me too."

Albus started to look alarmed, Moody fired a 'Stupefy', and Harry stumbled back a couple of paces as the spell vanished into his chest. By this time they had acquired quite a crowd of people and they gasped as the disguise vanished. The Harry Potter fell to the ground with dramatic thump, he twitched a little, and raised his hand up. "I have not yet begun to Prank!"

"That'll teach you to respect people." Moody growled. "Let's get the bastard to the Ministry and end this crap once and for all."

A wave of magic exploded from the glowing body on the ground, ruffling everyone's robes, several girls shrieked as their skirts lifted high enough to flash their panties, or their lack. Suddenly, the body arched and for a few seconds before it collapsed. Harry's skin seemed to darken for a second before it started to actually melt.

The crowd gasped in horror as Harry rolled to his feet, sending melted skin flying away from his body. Giggling, it started stumbling forward, little bubbles of melting skin forming in his mouth and popping in a rather gross manner. The girls from the earlier paragraph screamed and fainted at the sight.

Breathing rather raggedly, Harry could only say one thing. "BBRRAAIINNSS!"

Grinding his teeth, Moody started firing spell after spell. Abrumpo, Discerpo, Stupefy, Everbero, even a Reducto. This left the melting boy in quite a mess as his limbless torso collapsed to the ground. Witnesses couldn't do anything except stare in shock. Harry's torso twitched, making the rest of the girls faint. Then something even worse happened.

A bubble of goop formed under what was left of the robes and expanded outward. Observers gasped as it suddenly exploded with a disgusting sound, sending several people stumbling back as a horrible odor filled the air. Dumbledore was too shocked to think straight. He wanted the boy back in Azkaban where he could be controlled, not free to run around and mess up all his plans. He hadn't expected anything like this to happen.

"Albus, what the hell was that?"

"I think it was a Golem of some kind." He said after several seconds.

"Golems are made out of stone Albus, not whatever the hell that stuff was and where's Potter?"

"He was never here."

"He tricked us?"

"Yes, we underestimated him."

"Maybe we should just leave him alone." The old Auror growled. He was starting to get a headache.

"I will drag him back to Azkaban by his underwear if I have to." Dumbledore growled. "He has a part to play in this war and he will perform it."

"Whatever you say Albus." Moody sighed. Then he spun around, startling Dumbledore and most of the crowd. The House Elf army of Prank Lord Potter were standing on top of every building in Diagon Ally, dressed in their neat little green robes, with green glowing eyes staring down on them from the darkened hoods. They were all snickering as they reached into the pouches that they all wore and pulled out something small. These quickly sailed into the air and rained down on everyone witnessing the event.

"Ah $#!@%." Dumbledore muttered as he brought his wand up to shield himself. Magical smoke and explosion filled the alley almost instantly. The crowd screamed in horror, because they all knew that they were screwed, and this was yet more of Potter's Revenge.

And boy was it hard to make magical laxative in the bathtub. People would later say that the Leaky Cauldron's bathrooms were never quite the same. Back at Harry's hide out/manor, he was laughing his but off as he watched the people grabbing their butts as they scrambled for the nearest place to relieve themselves.

At the same time the rest of the House Elves were taking care of another project for him. It was time to show the Ministry how easy it was to fight inbred pureblood morons. Though he didn't think that Fudge would like what he was doing. He was to busy laughing to care what Fudge thought anyway.

oooooooooo

"Sir." Percy Weasley said as he entered the Minister's office.

"Ah Percy." Fudge said. For the first time in weeks he was looking normal. He didn't look like a humanoid skunk, didn't smell even worse, and things were getting back to normal. Now all he had to do was find Potter, execute him, and all his problems were solved. He spent hours fantasizing about disemboweling Potter with a dull spoon.

"Director Bones sent me to tell you that forty five death eaters have been captured, including Bellatrix Lestrange and several other members of the death eater inner circle." Percy explained.

"Excellent! Who caught them?" This was excellent news. He immediately started to figure a way to use the captures to his advantage. It would show that he was doing his usual excellent job. Standing, he grabbed his bowler hat and squashed it down on his head. "We need to give them a medal or something, maybe a picture with me on the front page of the Prophet."

Fudge nodded, that was great idea.

Percy gulped. "It seems Harry Potter did, sir. They were all delivered by Portkey in these little cages along with instructions to spay and neuter them properly."

Fudge then did an amazing impression of Vernon Dursley, his face swelling up and turning many different shades. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF HARRY $#@%&$#@^& POTTER AND HIS GAMES!"

oooooooooo

Percy had to run from the office the Minister started throwing spells at everything in his office. The red headed boot licker knew when it was time to get away from his employer after all. Pretty much everybody in the building heard Fudge throwing another tantrum. The last few weeks had shown a number of people that it was time for some change.

In an unused room deep under the ministry, an anonymous hand rose up and deftly placed another check beside Harry Potter's name. "Sounds like Potter got to Fudge again."

"Yep, ya think the boy can keep this up for much longer?" A man wearing a robe asked.

"I don't see why not. He's driving all the players insane."

"True, but we will have to stop him eventually."

"Why?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well while Fudge is distracted and the Aurors are running around trying to contain Potter, we can do anything we want. Since Potter started this little campaign of his we've been able to secure and update the whole division without Fudge or the Wizengamot being aware of it."

"True, I just figured that Potter would have to be asked to stop eventually."

The man shrugged. "We expected him to go out and kill everyone and he starts pulling practical jokes. He even decimated Knockturn Alley in the process. The kid has his father's talent that's for sure. I'm glad we decided to free him."

A shrug. "Pass the doughnuts."

"Mmmm, chocolate sprinkles."

oooooooooo

To be Continued…Maybe Even Concluded…

Notes: Well that was a bit of a wait wasn't it? My funny bone hasn't been working lately so this chapter has been revised, edited, and rewritten several times. The Pudding Golem took a while to write up as well. It just wasn't as gross as I wanted it to be. Lets see you make pudding in a bathtub the color of human skin.

Thanks to everyone that's sent in a suggestion. This story I looking like it should only have one or two more chapters. This level of silliness can only last for so long and I'm running out of areas I can take this. Well I'll see what comes to me for the next chapter, which isn't started yet. I'll probably also update one of my other stories before I get to the next chapter of this, so keep an eye out if you follow any of those.