Harry Potter - Series Fan Fiction ❯ Longing to be Found... ❯ Lost Thoughts ( Chapter 2 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

Warnings: DARK! Contains mature content and adult themes not suitable for young children. Slash (male/male relationships beyond friendship; also known as yaoi), non-con (rape), strong language, PWP at times, self mutilation, self gratification (masturbation), OOCness, AU�

Non Anime: Harry Potter - Series Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Angst / Hentai / Drama / Shounen | Type: Yaoi | Uploaded On: 03.03.2009 | Updated On: 06.18.2010 | Pages: 7 | Words: 10.2K | Visits: 726 | Status: Work In Progress

Summary: Harry's sixth year at Hogwarts is filled with taunting dreams and dark secrets. Sirius' death fresh in his mind and bleeding in his heart, he finds his body taking the abuse for his pain as he blames himself. Harry Potter has fallen on hard times and this time he is not able to stand back up on his own, doesn't have the strength to stand back up on his own. How will he ever find his strength again to continue to battle against Voldemort whose power is growing at a rapid rate? Plus who is this new transfer student in Slytherin house that is following Harry around? A beautiful new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher has also come to Hogwarts, but the question remains will she make it through the year or does this teacher have a secret agenda like all the others. Is Harry going to have to fight for his life as well as his friend's lives yet again this year with his will teetering over the edge about to fall? Find out in the story Longing to be Found.

Disclaimer: I do not own any characters, ideas, or location's, found in the Harry Potter universe, it is property of J.K.Rowling, and found in movies produced byWarner Bros. The storyline concept for this particular fanfiction was created in the recesses of the twisted mind of this writer. I do however own the two OC's (original characters) in this story so please do not copy them.

Warnings: DARK! Contains mature content and adult themes not suitable for young children. Slash (male/male relationships beyondfriendship; also known as yaoi), non-con (rape), strong language, PWP at times, self mutilation, self gratification (masturbation), OOCness, AU…

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!...

Rated:M/NC-17

Drama/Angst

Longing to be Found…

By: TwilightKitsune1

Chapter Two (2)

- Lost Thoughts -

Harry laid in the bed as the sun began to rise, its ray's casting a small amount of light into the room from the slightly open window. His mind was devoid of its normal ramblings and congested thoughts that ran ramped in his head like they did during his waking hours. He only lay there listening to the chirping of the birds and the clucking of the hens and roosters as they trotted about outside looking for food. Down stairs the smell of food wafted up to him so he could smell the delicious breakfast Mrs. Weasley prepared for the family and for him. Granted he wasn't hungry he was probably going to be forced to eat something, three courses of something. As he was lost in his musings of how sick he was going to be after he finished breakfast he heard Ron begin rolling around in his bed, followed by a slight grunt. Harry looked over at his friend for a moment then looked back at the roof trying to keep his mind on less troublesome thoughts. He realized after a few moments that the harder he tried to not think of them the more the darker thoughts came unbidden him.

Deciding against staying in the bed and suffering with his thoughts he quickly rolled out of bed. As he stood up he looked down at the rib he could still see sticking out at an odd angle. Running his fingertips over it for a moment he couldn't help but grimace when he felt it. Ron had asked about it when he had seen it and Harry had casually played dumb, as though he hadn't noticed when it happened which caused Ron to just gawk at him as if he had just clammed to be invincible against all harm. The only other injures that still bothered him was his elbow, getting stiff at random intervals in time or hurting so bad that he is unable to move it hardly. However, as he stayed with the Weasley's the more and more he had to act as if it didn't bother him and the injury was gradually getting worse, Harry knew.

Rubbing it slightly Harry could feel the slight tendrils of pain beginning to shoot up and down his arm. Deciding to move it a bit he began extending it then pulling it back to him. As he moved it around he heard Ron's grunt again meaning Ron was close to waking. Quickly he collected his shirt that he had thrown down the previous night before he had gone to bed and put it on rolling his sleeves down halfway mainly so that it would cover his elbow that was beginning to swell again, so not to attract unwanted attention from anyone else in the Weasley household. He gave one more look at Ron as he puckered in his sleep, and then walked out of the room. He'd let him sleep a little longer before they all went to Diagon Ally to get the years equipment for school.

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Harry, Ron, and Hermione, who had met up with them in the Leaky Cauldron, walked the familiar cobbled streets of Diagon Ally together as everyone else fetched there own things. The street was not nearly as packed as it would be in the later part of the day so it was easy for the three to maneuver between or around the people. The air was filled with all kinds of different smells, so much that no one smell was discernable from the mass amount of them. Most of the stores seemed near empty, as the employees of the businesses did the final checks and cleaning. Some of the people just bypassed the stores and headed straight for Gringotts or to some of the cafes that were open. As they passed Floren Fortescue's Ice Cream Parlor, Floren Fortescue himself waved at them as they passed by the store and mouthed for them to come by later. The three of them nodded and continued walking down the street.

“So have you gone to Gringotts yet Harry?” Hermione asked interrupting the pleasant conversation they had been having.

“No, not yet, I need to stop by there before I go shopping for the school supplies.” Harry said looking to the two of them. “You guys can go ahead of me if you want.”

“Well I have wanted to check out the Quality Quidditch Supplies to see if they've gotten anything new in.” Ron said looking down the street towards the Quidditch store.

“I was thinking of checking the book store since my parents have already given me money, plus a little extra for a new book of my own, but if you want we can go with you?” Hermione shot in looking to Harry waiting for his reply.

“Geez Hermione is that all you think about?” Ron tossed in looking slightly scandalized at Hermione's thirst for books.

“I'll have you know Ron, wanting a little extra knowledge just happens to be useful. Especially now a days with what's going on.” Hermione shot at Ron with a glare.

“No. I'll just meet you guys later then.” Harry replied with a smile as the two tried to win the topic of conversation with glares at each other, and then asked, “Where are we going to meet up then?”

They thought for a moment and then Hermione replied, “How about we meet in the book shop since I'll probably be in there a while.”

Ron looked affronted for a moment and then turned to Hermione, “I am going to the Quidditch shop so I'll probably be there for a while too you know!”

They just glared at each other again before Harry decided to break them up before they got into a full out fight right there on the street, “How about this, when I'm done at Gringotts I'll go over to the Quidditch shop since I need to get some things there and then when Ron and I have finished up there we'll head over to the book shop and find you. Does that sound alright?”

Both Ron and Hermione nodded and smiled since now neither were going to be cut short in their browsing, “Alright then.” Hermione said as she turned and began towards the book shop.

“See you later then mate.” Ron happily replied and bounded down the street towards the Quidditch store.

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As Harry reached Gringotts he had to stop and marvel at the snowy white building towering above all the little shops in Diagon Ally. A goblin stood beside its burnished bronze doors wearing a uniform of scarlet and gold. Harry walked up the white stone steps and looked to the goblin standing by the door. He remembered when he had first seen goblins, how he was only a head taller then they were, now though he was far taller then them. As Harry walked past him the goblin bowed him in as he does with everyone who enters, and Harry went through the second door that was silver without even looking at the engraving as he went.

Harry walked a little ways inside and watched the goblins helping a few people that were already getting their money from vaults. As he stood there watching he noticed a familiar goblin walking towards him with a friendly smile on his face. “Hello again mister Potter.”

“Griphook, it's good to see you again… I'm surprised you remember me since so many people walk in.” Harry said

“Yes, but I do have a good memory, besides how can I forget mister Harry Potter?” Griphook replied. “The true honor is to be remembered by you.”

Harry smiled at Griphook and looked around the building. He desperately wished that they could talk of something else or that Griphook was called somewhere else, but it was a wish he knew would not be granted since he was talking to someone, namely Harry Potter. As he stood there he smelled oil of some kind, probably used to shine the money, he heard clanking of jewels being weighed in the scales. His thoughts turned to the thoughts of earlier, to be forgotten by everyone who looked to him as a savior, as a hero, as the one who lived, and to just disappear from everything.

He was brought out of his thoughts when Griphook spoke up, “So mister Potter will you be withdrawing anything today. If you would like I could take you down to your vault.”

“Yes, thank you Griphook.”

“We'll have to wait for a moment since all the carts are in use at the moment. If you don't mind sitting over there for just a few minutes then I'll be right back with you.” Griphook said, showing Harry to a wooden seat and then walked off to another goblin.

As Harry sat there he became lost in his thoughts again. They were flowing endlessly, unstoppable in his mind. All of them circling around death, Sirius's death, Cedric's death, his death…Harry could see himself, blood trickling down endlessly in a crimson river, he could feel his life slip away from him, the him that was in his mind's eye. Quietly, peacefully, gracefully... He was letting go of life, of any hope of going on in the journey that was called life. An unwilling hero in the time of war which is all he had ever been, all he was now. He wanted to know who his parents were, to live with them and Sirius, to have gotten his name cleared before he died. That is what Harry wanted, all he wanted… but it was rare for Harry Potter to get anything remotely close to what he wanted, rarer in fact for him to be happy.

So lost in his thoughts he didn't notice that someone was walking towards him. He returned to his senses when he saw black shoes stop in front of him. Thinking it was probably Ron or someone from Hogwarts he looked up with a smile of greeting on his face. When he realized it was someone from Hogwarts but not someone he greeted with a smile it slid from his face to a guarded look and he quickly stood.

“Malfoy,” He snapped.

“Why if it isn't Potter. What's the matter, did you run out of money and thinking of a way to get some. Perhaps you can sell your autographs, though people would probably give you anything since the Dark Lord is back.” Draco seethed to Harry. “I don't see your mudblood friend or that weasel anywhere. Did they finally wise up and leave your sorry arse.”

Harry's fist's clinched and he was about to counter him when someone walked up behind Draco. “Draco, don't speak to lower class rift raff.” Said the woman who Harry had seen only once at the Quidditch World Cup. He recalled her name was Narcissa Malfoy, Draco's mother. However there seemed to be something different about her then when he first saw her.

He bit his tongue and he saw Griphook walking back to him quickly, as if knowing that something was about to happen. “Mister Potter a cart is now available for you sir.” As he spoke Narcissa walked away, summoning Draco to follow her.

As Harry followed Griphook he looked back to the retreating Malfoy's and saw that Draco had looked back at the same moment and their eye's connected for a second before they broke the connection and continued going in their own directions.

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A shrill whistle woke Harry from his thoughts. Looking around he found himself in a compartment on the Hogwarts Express alone. Though he could not remember when he had become lost in his thoughts, he did remember leaving the burrow. After that though there was nothing but himself and his jumbled thoughts. He didn't even remember the journey to the Hogwarts Express, or when he had arrived, or even when he had sat down in the compartment alone. He began to wonder where Ron and Hermione had disappeared to since he vaguely recalled sitting and listening to their bickering at the burrow all the way to the platform. As he stood and headed towards the door the two he had intended to look for waltzed into the compartment, both with smiles on their faces.

“Hey there mate.” Ron said moving into the compartment and sitting down beside the spot Harry had been previously occupying. “Where were you off to?”

“To look for you two actually…” Harry replied, slightly confused as to why they were both smiling. “Did something happen?”

“No, no, nothing happened. We just…uh…” Ron began to get red behind his ears.

“So Harry,” Hermione jumped in, “Are you feeling any better? You've been in a sort of daze for the past week… Like you're there one minute listening fully to what's going on and then you're gone.”

Harry smiled at her. He didn't mean to worry her, didn't mean to worry anyone, but by the look she was giving him obviously showed her worry… he wondered how many more people were worried by his recent behavior. “I'm fine Hermione, I've just had a lot on my mind is all and haven't been able to sleep all that well. I'm sorry I worried you guys.”

Ron and Hermione nodded, knowing he'd talk about it when he was ready to talk about it, and if it were important they trusted him to tell them. Hermione sat in the seat across from Harry's as he took his seat again and the three of them went into friendly conversation to make the time go by quicker. As they were talking of the coming school year their conversation turned to the years Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher.

“I wonder who it'll be… Do you think Dumbledore got Lupin to teach again?” Ron said hopefully.

“Don't be stupid Ron,” Hermione said looking at him. “If they had then we would have found out with how many time he has visited the burrow to check up on Harry…” she stopped and looked to Harry not wanting him to think that everyone had been watching him. Even if they were.

Pretending he didn't notice her gaze Harry continued where she had left off, “Yeah Hermione's right, plus if he had, now that everyone knows he's a werewolf there would be angry letter's and skeptical parents that would be worried about their children… kind of like last year when everyone thought me and Dumbledore were loony.”

“Yeah your right, I just hope it's no one like Umbridge. That was a bloody nightmare that was.” Ron said looking out and gazing at the passing scenery.

Harry and Hermione both grinned at one another and looked at Ron. “She was but now that the Ministry knows Voldemort's back there shouldn't be anymore problems.”

Not long into the train ride Ron and Harry started playing wizards chess and Hermione began where she had left off in the Standard Book of Spells, Grade Six. As Harry watched his queen give a valiant battle with Ron's knight, their compartment door opened and Neville Longbottom walked in. “Hey guys.” He said looking at them.

“Hey Neville.” Ron and Harry replied simultaneously, not really looking up to greet him having become too absorbed in their game.

Hermione looked up from behind her book at Neville, “Is something wrong Neville?”

“No I was just wondering how your summers were… and if it was okay if I sat with you guys for a bit.” Neville asked nervously, worried they would tell him to go away.

Hermione noticed this and invited him to sit with her. “It will give me someone to talk to while they play their game.” She lied with a friendly smile. She really wished she could have finished that chapter; it had been getting really good.

Neville smiled happily and plopped down next to Hermione since Harry and Ron were taking most of the seat they were on due to the board being between the two. Soon Hermione and Neville were talking about Herbology and the rare plants that are hard to care for and what potions they would be better used for, as Harry and Ron began their fourth match. Time seemed to pass quicker with the four of them in the compartment and Hermione soon forgot that Neville had interrupted her book.

A little later their compartment door slid open again, though this time they completely ignored it until they heard the silky voice of Draco Malfoy. “Well, well, well, look who it is, Scarhead and his followers. I'd have thought that they'd have gone to Hogwarts over the summer, to scared to show their faces in the open you know… with strange people lurking about.”

Harry and Ron both turned and stood up quickly, their game forgotten, as they looked daggers into Draco. Unaffected by their threatening looks he just smirked and looked at them casually, “I didn't come here to fight -“

“Then sod off Malfoy!” Ron demanded, his glare promising a slow and painful death if he stayed, his hands already in fists.

Harry was standing behind Ron, prepared to grab him if he tried to lunge at him, Hermione following Harry's lead and finally standing up. Neville, not liking any sort of conflict, seemed to shrink back into the compartment wall, a distance away from those who were ready to fight. Malfoy, sensing the seriousness of the situation backed up only far enough so if anything happened Crab and Goyle could handle it. Though he knew Harry would grab the weasel before anything happened, unless of course he went to far like he had last year. Just thinking about last year made Draco's blood boil. He had been the one to start it, everyone knew it, that bitch could have just given Potter more detentions but no she had to take away his only damn rival on the field.

“Touchy as usual weasel, tell me, has your family lost their house yet?” Malfoy said, not flinching because he saw Harry grab his arm as he tried to move forward to attack him. He caught Potter's slight wince as he bent his elbow.

Harry, expecting Ron's lunge, had used his reflexes to catch him with out thinking. His elbow felt as though a dagger was going through it all of a sudden but he straightened his face quickly, hoping Malfoy didn't catch the pain that he showed for that split second. Hermione thankfully joined in the struggle to hold Ron back screaming, “HE'S NOT WORTH IT RON!” as he struggled against them both. Harry's elbow was screaming and he could feel it wanting to let go… he had to think fast.

“You better hold him back Potter, who knows what might happen.” Draco said, coming even closer.

“Don't worry Malfoy I know exactly what would happen. He'd beat your face in and get in trouble for something that needs to be done.” Harry answered, hoping Draco would just walk away.

“That's what you think isn't it Potter… tell me, how's your dog doing?” Draco sneered at Harry, laughing as he walked away, leaving the compartment.

Harry let Ron slip and he ran to the now empty compartment door. Looking down the hall Ron yelled, “Yeah, you better walk away!” and slammed the door. “Bastard.” And turned to Harry.

He now wore a pained expression on his face though it was not because of his elbow, it was his heart. It screamed, it cried, it wailed; it did everything to get the pain to go away, but it wouldn't… Harry knew that it might never go away. Harry knew he'd live with the guilt of having lead his own godfather into a trap that was set for him… A trap that coast Sirius his life.

“You should have let me hit him.” Ron muttered as he sat back down, watching Harry sit down without a word. They returned to their game, neither truly paying attention to it, as Hermione looked to a nervous Neville. “I suppose the year's already started hasn't it.” She said with a small, forced, smile.

Neville nodded to her. “I suppose… actually I was wondering Harry, you think you be doing more of the DA this year? I really learned a lot from you last year and I was hoping that we would do it again this year. Gram was really proud with how much I had learned and I think I actually saw a tear of joy… though it was probably my imagination.” Neville finished a slight embarrassed blush.

Ron and Harry looked at each other. Ron shrugged to Harry, and then Harry looked at Hermione as she gave a sigh. Harry looked to Neville and answered, his voice seeming distant to him. “If the teacher doesn't teach us then maybe, but if they are a good teacher then you learn from them and if you ever need any help learning something then I'll help you…” Harry finished feeling like he had just signed up for a lot of extra work. He could tell all ready that this year maybe one of his worst one's yet.

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He walked further down the train, not really paying attention to anything around him. His mind was frazzled and not seeming to want to comprehend anything around him. He had struck Harry low, lower then he had meant to but he should be proud to knock the wonder boys pride down a notch or several… though there was something telling him he had struck to low, even for him. He turned to the two bumbling buffoons that were following him. “You think you could give me a moment, go somewhere else and bother someone. It's annoying being followed by you two all the time. I do need thinking room you know.” Draco shot at the two. Not even staying long enough to enjoy their shocked expressions he continued down the aisle.

He could smell the bits of food that the old witch had in her cart, and the food that had already been bought from her. There were so many scents of spices wafting around that there was no one scent. People were talking and all the voice's seemed to be melding together as he walked, his feet carrying him quickly down the aisle toward his destination. As he reached the last compartment he heaved a sigh. If he was upset then he'd be able to tell. The Malfoy cool was needed in this situation. Getting his emotions under control he opened the compartment door… “Damn it Blaise, if you two are supposed to be secret you could seal the door like decent people.” Draco drawled in a bored voice, a hint of annoyance lay underneath.

When Draco finished speaking Blaise gently let the red headed girl's legs hit the floor after they had unwrapped from around his waist. A soft, feminine laughter filled the compartment as the two quickly re adjusted their clothing. As Blaise turned he wiped off the lip gloss that had obviously come from the girl that had been in the process of pleasuring Blaise in all ways before they arrived at Hogwarts. “Then you should knock Draco. Me and Ginny got bored waiting for you and had to find ourselves some entertainment.” Blaise said to Draco, wrapping his arm around Ginny and squeezing her close to him as she re buttoned her shirt.

As Draco looked at the obvious erection in Blaise's pants he raised an eyebrow to them. “I can leave so you two can finish enjoying your `entertainment'.”

Ginny gave Draco a smirk and then turned to Blaise. “I'll leave you two boys to talk.” Standing on her tiptoes she kissed Blaise on the cheek. “I'll see you later though.” And with that she left the compartment, sliding the door closed slowly, somehow seductively.

Blaise dropped to one of the compartment seats with a frustrated groan. “Damn, I so wanted to finish that… you will not be able to believe how talented she is. I mean she is really well known to the male population of Hogwarts. Even to the Slytherins and for good reasons. I think she is actually one of the best. I'm just glade Harry never took a liking to her.”

Draco's heart wanted to sink when he heard Potter's name and he desperately wanted to throttle Blaise for reminding him of what he had done not to long ago. He sank beside Blaise on the seat and just looked at him with a bored expression. “You are a very sad man Blaise.” But in truth he was jealous of him. He could say Potter's name, speak to Potter on neutral terms, hell he was fucking one of Potter's close friend's sister and she could probably bring him home and they wouldn't put up too much of a fight… just to be able to have a peaceful moment with Potter, that is like a dream Draco knows will never come true.

Blaise smirked at Draco, “Don't worry Draco; I'm sure if you ever get with someone seriously then they'll have talents that will make you…” Blaise groaned just thinking about some of the things he and Ginny had already done. Shaking himself back to reality he looked to Draco and placed a hand on his shoulder. “So how have you been this summer, I kind of lost contact with you near the middle of it when things, if I remember correctly, were heating up at your place?”

Draco almost let his exhaustion slip from his hold but he held it fast and just looked at Blaise. “I don't see how mother loved that man… I was mostly comforting her with father in Azkaban and the Ministry searching the Malfoy manor. Nothing much to talk about.”

“Or there's not much you want to talk about.” Blaise said for him. “Fine don't tell me, but sooner or later you really are going to need to talk to someone… and it better be me cause what are friends for.”

“Whatever you say Blaise.” Draco drawled out, enjoying the fact that he wasn't alone. He finally had someone next to him after a lonely summer of nothing but problems.

“Speaking of Harry,” Blaise said, something hidden under his voice.

“Shove it Blaise.” Draco said, leaning back to relax.

“Fine…” Blaise sighed, knowing he wouldn't get to see Ginny until later that night. He'd have to relieve himself soon due to the fact that it was really starting to become uncomfortable, but he wasn't going to pull it out and finish the job while Draco was here or conscious. He was not going to start wanking in front of Draco; no guy wants to watch another guy satisfying himself.

Draco looked over to Blaise. He smiled knowingly and leaned over to Blaise's ear, “Do you want me to help you with that problem you seem to be having Blaise? I'll make you scream in ecstasy, complete rapture.” And licked his earlobe.

Blaise smiled, “Never thought you'd ask.”

This time the compartment was sealed and then the room was silenced so not to draw attention.

END OF CHAPTER TWO!

A/N: Another chapter done, some more of this tale told, what a joyous day it is. Okay, now enough with the crazy talk. I hope you guys enjoyed the story, it took me some time to finish and it turned out rather well. I am sure some of you have noticed small mistakes here and there but I do hope it's alright; I have no beta and tend to miss even the smallest of things. At this time I am working on multiple things, all having to have my complete attention but alas I only have so much with my ADD habits. Please review and tell me what you think; as always thanks for reading!

A/N 2!. . . And finished with the re- write! Sooo I realized I never mentioned this in the last A/N but when ever the 2! Appears after the A/N it that means it's been edited (--fixing grammar and what have you--). I would also like to point out these re-writes are going a lot smoother then many of my previous re-writes, I'm so proud! Also don't forget to give me you lovely thoughts and if you spot things I missed don't hesitate to point them out for me. ((--Unless its punctuation advice cause then I'll just get confused… there really is no help for me there sadly…--)) Oh and if you ask for spoilers, I'm not telling sillies! You have to keep reading to find out, but I do so love to hear you guesses and if you're WAY off I'll tell you but I won't tell what's going to happen even if you ask super nice. It's the surprise that gets people coming back you know (-wink-)

!!!R&R!!!