Harry Potter - Series Fan Fiction ❯ Longing to be Found... ❯ Contemplation and Disgust ( Chapter 5 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

Warnings: DARK! Contains mature content and adult themes not suitable for young children. Slash (male/male relationships beyond friendship; also known as yaoi), non-con (rape), strong language, PWP at times, self mutilation, self gratification (masturbation), OOCness, AU�

Non Anime: Harry Potter - Series Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Angst / Hentai / Drama / Shounen | Type: Yaoi | Uploaded On: 03.03.2009 | Updated On: 05.16.2009 | Pages: 5 | Words: 8.3K | Visits: 568 | Status: Work In Progress

Summary: Harry's sixth year at Hogwarts is filled with taunting dreams and dark secrets. Sirius' death fresh in his mind and bleeding in his heart, he finds his body taking the abuse for his pain as he blames himself. Harry Potter has fallen on hard times and this time he is not able to stand back up on his own, doesn't have the strength to stand back on his own. How will he ever be able to get back up, how will he ever find his strength again to continue to battle against Voldemort whose power is growing at a rapid rate? Plus what's with the new transfer student in Slytherin house following Harry around for? A beautiful new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher has come to Hogwarts, but the question is will they make it through the year or do they have a secret agenda like all the others? Find out in the story Longing to be Found.

Disclaimer: I do not own any characters, ideas, or location's, found in the Harry Potter universe, it is property of J.K.Rowling, and found in movies produced byWarner Bros. The storyline concept for this particular fanfiction was created in the recesses of the twisted mind of this writer. I do however own the two OC's (original characters) in this story so please do not copy them.

Warnings: DARK! Contains mature content and adult themes not suitable for young children. Slash (male/male relationships beyondfriendship; also known as yaoi), non-con (rape), strong language, PWP at times, self mutilation, self gratification (masturbation), OOCness, AU…

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!...

Rated:M/NC-17

Drama/Angst

Longing to be Found…

By: TwilightKitsune1

Chapter Five (5)

- Contemplation and Disgust-

With the classes finally finished students littered the hallway and conversations were being held about no discernible subject in the thick mass. There was laughter, and there were shouts to other students further down the hall; some were running to unknown destinations, while others walked silently lost in their thoughts. However, Draco didn't hear them, didn't see them; his mind in a far away place. Yet, when there was a shriek of laughter that filled the air he felt his cheeks beginning to heat again. He bowed his head to hide his coming blush and his fist's clinched tight as he cursed Blaise and that damned Potter.

`That damnedPotter and his amazingly soft lips. Plus that firm chest I got to finally feel a little, and thatthinblasted shirtthat was amazingly soft…I think it was new too, since it actually fit him pretty well. With the school robe on it obstructed my perfect view of his back side, and if I'm not mistaken from what I did see his pants were new too. They were tight, form fit—

`Shit, what the hell was that!? This is Harry bloody Potter, MY rival since we started going to this school! Not only that, but he's the Dark Lord's number one enemy! Hated by all those that are loyal to the Dark Lord, and the only other person, besides that senile old fool Dumbledore, that stands in his way…'

As his thought ended, Draco stopped unable to keep his body walking. Standing there, as people maneuvered around him, his mind was blank. He'd always known that Harry was one of the only things standing against the Dark Lord, but for some reason it seemed to finally be hitting him. Shaking his head slightly he walked to the nearest empty classroom to try and regain his Malfoy composure. Entering the room and closing the door behind him, he walked to the middle of the deserted classroom dropping his things onto the floor and collapsed into one of the seats near the front. He didn't understand why he had been so shaken when he thought about what everyone knew. Looking at his left forearm, where the dark mark is to go when he becomes of age he realized his body was trembling. He looked at his hands, holding them up in front of him, and wondered what had caused his body to start shaking. So lost in his musings he failed to hear the door open and close, or the footsteps that were coming towards him.

“Hey… Draco, you alright?” came Blaise's voice from behind him.

Fisting his hands and letting them drop he stayed facing the front of the classroom and lounged back in the seat as though nothing was wrong, “…You know I hate you now, right?” Draco said in a bored tone hoping it was enough to fool Blaise.

Laughing the `Oh-I-figured' laugh Blaise moved into the room, softly placing his things on the floor and taking the seat beside Draco, “You know you don't mean that.” When he received no reply he sighed and leaned back, “Okay, sure, maybe right now you do… you'll get over it though.”

Finally turning to face Blaise, Draco gave his best `I-hope-you-burn' look, and through clenched teeth said, “Get over it! God damnit Blaise, you had me kiss Harry Potter! I'm sure you know him, the same Harry Potter that sent my father to Azkaban, the same Harry Potter that faces the Dark Lord, the same Harry Potter that fights for that senile old fool called Dumbledore. Oh, maybe you've forgotten, here let me remind you, this is the same Harry Potter that has tormented me since I was small, before I even bloody well knew him!”

“Point taken… but Draco, you should know I didn't mean to. I know you Draco, and I've known you since we were born. We grew up together and we know everything there is to know about the other, so you should know me, and you two kissing was the last thing I meant to happen.”

Draco was furious at Blaise by this point, his words having not helped his rage, but for some reason it was no longer because of the kiss. “If you didn't mean to then why in the name of Salazar were you being friendly with him!? What were you doing, what were you trying to accomplish?”

“Honestly? Haven't got a clue.” Blaise admitted a small smirk on his face.

Draco stared at Blaise dumbfounded, his mind now greatly confused and the rage he had been feeling just seconds ago was snuffed out by that one statement. How could he not know why he did something if he was the one who had done it? In the many years that Draco had known Blaise he had always had a reason if he did something that made no sense, even if it didn't have any logical stand point he always had a reason behind it.

“So…” Blaise said pulling Draco from his musing, “Just curious, how was it? I mean you started turning red pretty quick… well, at least as red as your skin can turn.”

“I did not! Malfoy men do not blush; it is a disgrace to the name Malfoy.” Draco stated looking his usual arrogant look.

“Yeah, but you didn't answer the question.” Blaise pointed out, a triumphant grin on his lips and a quizzical brow rose.

Draco huffed and looked forward crossing his arms over his chest. “It was horrible Blaise, you should know that.”

Laughing outright, Blaise patted him on his shoulder before standing up and grabbing his bag. “Riiight, horrible. Guess that's why I saw one of you hands gripping his shirt, while the other rested on his chest. Plus that you only separated from him when you knew there was a crowd gawking at the two of you. I wonder if you would have pulled away so quickly had no one been around.”

Draco lowered his head. Blaise was wrong, he had not pulled away so quickly due to the crowd, but they had caused the blush to appear on his checks. He had pulled back because he knew no matter what, the person he was kissing had been Harry Potter and there was no changing who the enemy was, even if Draco did feel for him greatly. They were on two very different sides, and one of them was facing death by the Dark Lords hands. “I hate you, you know that?” Draco mumbled as Blaise listened to him.

“I know you do Draco, I know.”

Looking up at Blaise, his pain apparent slightly on his face, his pride pushing away the on coming of tears that threatened to spill out, “I really do hate you… because this is Potter, the boy who lived, the one person Voldemort wants to see dead above all else.”

Blaise gave Draco a sympathetic look, “Well Draco, if it was anyone else do you think it would really be worth it? Plus think of how much fun you'll have.” He finished with a smile.

Giving a silent chuckle he looked at the ceiling and whispered out with a tiered voice, “Right, fun.” And continued to sit there, not ready to join the moving crowds that still littered the hallways deciding it was best to just sit there and try to destroy any and all feelings he had for Harry bloody Potter. It was better that way, it was better if he felt nothing for him because in the end he knew he would have to watch the fight between the light and dark and he knew if his father found out he had any weakness for Harry Potter, Lucius would snuff out any weak link; even if it was his own son, his own blood. It was better this way, if he felt nothing for Potter then Draco was safe, but there was something that was wrong with that thought process.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX - XxXxXxXx - With Harry - xXxXxXxX - XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

As Harry finally left the dungeons he kept his eyes down cast not wanting to meet anyone's gaze. He knew that there was still a color to his checks, he could feel the slight raised tempter in them and wondered why he would be blushing because of that barest touch his lips had with Malfoy's. It made no sense in his head, it made no sense to him in the slightest, but that didn't stop the blush or the fast beating of his heart. He was a little shocked that he had lain there and took the contact from Draco, he had in fact, in the slightest amount, hardly noticeable, wanted to have more, wished it didn't end as soon as it had. Shaking his head he threw that thought out, that disgusting thought. It had to be because of what happened with Alex, no other reason then that. Yes, he could blame Alex for the way his body reacted, because just last night he had been lost in a moment of passion with Alex. God, what's wrong with me! Harry thought in misery and flung out his injured arm.

The pain was quick and unforgiving. Harry squinted his eyes as he allowed the pain to shot through him, yes he was thankful he had rammed his elbow into the ground when he feel, it made the pain last so much longer. Harry bit his bottom lip; if he didn't let the arm mend properly then he was going to be in serious trouble when he started playing Quidditch. Harry pulled his arm back to his side, he would be more gentle with it, he needed it for something he loved doing. Thinking for a moment he decided, maybe it was because he hit his arm on the hard dungeon floor that had stopped him from moving, stopped him from pushing Malfoy off, and stopped him from wanting to stop. Yes, it wasn't Alex, no not Alex, it was his blasted arm. He needed to take care of the bloody arm so these things wouldn't happen anymore.

Lost in his thoughts of why and who he stopped watching where he was going and failed to notice as someone rounded the corner and ran right into his injured arm. Harry's mind screamed in agony and he pushed back the small tears that wanted to form due to the pain, he took a sharp inhale and looked to find himself face to face with an apologetic looking Neville Longbottom. “Oh, I'm sorry Harry! I wasn't watching where I was going!” he said automatically, worried he had done something horrible by the intake of breath Harry had done after they bumped into each other.

Thankful the sudden onslaught of pain removed the burning on his face he was able to look at Neville with no worry, an understanding smile placed on his face, “It's okay Neville I wasn't looking where I was going either, don't worry so much.”

Neville smiled thankful it wasn't only his fault but he did remember the sharp intake of breath Harry did when they bumped into one another, “Hey Harry, are you okay?”

“Er… Yeah?” Harry said slightly confused, then realized Neville may have notice the pain he had been in the moment they bumped into each other, “I just got a headache, I've been in double potions since this morning. Anyway I've got to go and start heading to charms, I'll see you later okay.” And Harry quickly left Neville standing there confused but accepting.

As he walked through the crowd further down the hall he felt a penetration into his mind, `What happened to yourarm Harry?' Alex's voice questioned in his mind.

`Alex, where are you?' Harry questioned back slightly looking around him surprised. He could not see Alex; the mass was to thick and the faces of people walked by paying no head to him.

`A little further up. So what happened to your arm, it looks like it really hurts.' Alex continued asking, not missing a beat.

Harry continued forward and finally spotted him, he was sitting in one of the arch ways to the court yard reading a thick book. His eyes not really moving as he finally smiled and closed the book and got up looking at his watch as though he was checking the time for his next class. `Nothing just fell on it over the summer when I was practicing for Quidditch. What are you doing there anyway; I thought you were following Draco and Blaise?'

`I was but I lost them in the crowd andfigured I'd wait for you. So what's your next class maybe we can go together?'

`Itscharmsand I really got to hurry or I'll be late for class.'

`Perfect,' Harry heard Alex's voice purr in his mind and he could feel his skin heating and yearning for him once again. He wanted him, wanted to touch him, ravage him, and make him scream under him. `Oh dear Potter, I thought you didn't want a repeat of last night, or have you changed you mind?'

Harry narrowed his eyes and continued to walk, `I'm human Alex, aren't I allowed to have thoughts?'

`Why yes you are Harry, but aren't I allowed to be interested in thoughtsyou have of me lying under you screaming your name?'Harry ignored what he said, continuing on completely ignoring him as Alex fell into pace behind him. `You know if we are late, or almost late, we might be able to sit next to one another.'

`That's nice, I'm going to class for class not to sit beside you and play footsie under the desk.' Harry shot to Alex, now shoving him out of his mind and closing it to him.

As Harry continued walking he missed the furious glare Alex was giving him and the quick change in color of his eyes. However, as quick as the glare appeared and his eyes changed it was gone and he had his normal peaceful expression back on his face.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX - XxXxXxXx - After Charms - xXxXxXxX - XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

As everyone was gathering there things Harry continued to sit there and stretched, his injured arm feeling slightly better then before but he dare not move it. He heard shuffling papers behind him but didn't need to turn to see who it was, he knew it was Alex. He could still feel the youth trying to break through his block on his mind that he had set up, he knew and for some reason enjoyed how he desperately clawed at it trying to get through. He couldn't stop the smirk the formed on his lips as he felt Alex give one last valiant shove before Harry opened it to him willingly. `And what is it you so desperately want to talk about Alex.' Harry purred out to Alex and felt as he shifted slightly caught off guard behind him.

`… I'm surprised you feel that you can speak to me like that. Now why did you block me and how is your mental guard so strong?' Alex questioned.

`I trained for my block Alex, your forgetting who my enemy is.' Harry mocked back, smirking at the goldfish motion he could see Alex's face doing if they had been conversing face to face. `Besides I'm just imitating what you do when you'respeaking with me.'

Harry heard the snicker behind him, not in his mind, but the conversation continued, skipping over what had happened, `Well Potter, what is on your agenda now seeing the time?'

`I'm off to the great hall Alex, meeting up with some friends of mine and then I'm off to Herbology.'

`What a coincidencethat is exactly what I'm scheduled to do… Though perhaps we could skip the whole great hall and find an empty classroom?'

Harry's hands stilled as he was picking up his things. What was wrong with him, at the mere thought of having Alex alone and in submission had him wanting. He wanted to have Alex, to claim him as his own; to mark him like no other has been marked by him, to have him under him and screaming for more. How he had desired it since there last moments of passion, how he had found him self fantasizing about it when he became bored in classes today. However, as his body began to tremble with wanting, with the great need to release, another emotion filled him; it was the same emotion that tormented him today, that emotion was disgust. His body stopped wanting, stopped needing a sexual release, now it needed a release of its stomach contents.

Harry felt sickened by the mere thought, by the mere image in his head he had been playing just moments ago in his mind. There was nothing he could do, not wanting to be sick in class, so he waved his wand and his things jumped into his bag, not orderly but did go in, and he rushed out of the class room leaving with it a confused looking Alex. He ran quicker then he thought possible this close to being sick, he ran hard, his legs shaking with his nausea. As he rounded the corner, knocking another student down roughly, he saw the boy's lavatory and ran outright to it. As he entered the stall he wasted no time pushing the toilet lid up and throwing his things down at the same time. The contents rushed out; there was no stopping it, no slowing it down. He felt as though his insides were on fire, slowly and painfully being pushed to the outside of his body to the vomit filled bowl under him.

As it finally stopped he gasped for the air his body had been denied and fell onto his rear. He leaned his head back slightly and looked to the roof as he used his sleeve to wipe off any spit that remained on his lips. He felt tears rising to his eyes, he felt as though he was lost, as though there was something missing and he had no way of finding it or getting to it. He felt as though there was something inside him trying to destroy him slowly, trying to make him fall so deep into nothingness there was no way he could get back up. He started shaking with fear of the unknown, wrapping his arm around himself he began to cry, letting the tears flow freely down his checks but held in the sobs. He wanted to just disappear, to leave this place and all that he had to do, to leave all his pain behind. He wanted to run to where Sirius had disappeared to and be with him away from all the pain and all the duties that had been placed onto his shoulders ever since he had been small. Now though he felt as though he was drowning in the pain of it all.

So lost in his thoughts of freedom from everything he didn't notice as his nails dug into his skin, biting and piercing through, blood droplets forming in the small crescent cuts his nails made. After a little while his body calmed of its shaking, his tears began to desist until all that was left were the trails left behind, and he was able to release himself from his tight grip. His strength was gone, he felt exhausted from all the pain he was feeling inside but he gripped the side of the stall and began the slow progression of rising to his feet. As he finally reached his standing position he felt his legs want to give out but was able to stay standing. Looking at the bowl of vomit he grimaced and quickly flushed it and left the stall. As he stood in front of the mirror he saw how his skin had lost all of its color and looked more ashen, how his eyes seemed to have lost their emerald green glow and seemed dead. Running the water he took a deep breath and submerged his face in as much water he could gather in his hands as he could. After doing this three to four times he stopped and just gripped the sink bowl and he watched the water run quickly out of the faucet and into the sink bowl before going down the drain.

A far off smile formed on his lips as he thought of distant thoughts. He was no longer in Hogwarts, no longer under so much pressure; he was lost in his own mind where there were no worries of the coming days, of the coming war. There was no longer a rush to get back to work, there was no longer a rush to get to life, and there was no longer a rush at all. Though the smile faded and he found himself still standing in the boys lavatory looking at the sink bowl as the water drained. Heaving a tiered sigh he grabbed a towel and wiped the water off his face. Drying his robes with a flick of his wand he picked his things up and began walking back to the great hall, he needed something to be placed in his stomach so his acid wouldn't eat anymore of his insides.

End of Chapter five (5)

A/N: Well that's that and now the chapters over… And yeah, it was a filler chapter. So, how'd it go??? I'm not sure when my next update will be unfortunately, but I will try to make it soon. I will continue to work on the story but I don't know when I'll be able to post anything. I also know that this chapter is shorter then the previously posted chapters but I hope that the quality did not suffer. I have much to do and little time to do it in; I hope to hear some feed back on this story and am anticipating hearing your comments. As always, thanks for reading!