Hikaru No Go Fan Fiction ❯ Concerning him ❯ Far Away Concerns I ( Chapter 9 )
[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]
By: Stray 
Anime/Manga: Hikaru No Go Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Drama / Hentai / Psychological / Romance / Angst | Type: Continuation | Uploaded On: 02.09.2005 | Updated On: 02.18.2005 | Pages: 3 | Words: 5.8K | Visits: 811 | Status: Work In Progress
Anime/Manga: Hikaru No Go Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Drama / Hentai / Psychological / Romance / Angst | Type: Continuation | Uploaded On: 02.09.2005 | Updated On: 02.18.2005 | Pages: 3 | Words: 5.8K | Visits: 811 | Status: Work In Progress
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Chapter 05
Far away concerns
by Stray
19. 08. 2004 - 02.01.2005
rating: R
Disclaimers: not mine, only fussing around.
Warnings: bad English, angst, heavy OOCness, yaoi, Fluff-warning!
Pairing: HxA, IxW mentioned
Betas: Quirk-san and Anne-san
A/N: I had to correct and upload it a second time, because some of the commas and question marks went missing, mysteriously. If anyone sees them, please contact the local authorities! ^^'
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When I woke up the next morning, I felt dazed. Touya was already up and gone. Where to, I had no idea. He had left a note though to expect him back for lunch.
I got up, since I didn't feel like sleeping in. I was strangely sleepless and distraught. Though it's not so strange considering, just the day before I had given up my career as a professional Go player - the only thing I could picture doing with my life. It hurt to know that I would never be able to achieve the goals that only yesterday had not seemed so far away in my reach, like 'winning a title or two', or achieving the hand of God... with Touya Akira as a rival. And I had given up on it, on my own accord. Not even for Sai had I done that. And I hadn't even considered. I had decided on impulse.
Oddly enough, I didn't regret that decision one bit, because a future without a rival seemed just as barren as no future as a Go player. I regretted that I wasn't able to help Touya, and that people could be so blind to let a talent perish just because of some issue that the tabloids made a scandal of. I mean, it was true; Touya wasn't the spotless person everyone thought him to be. But it didn't affect his playing and didn't have anything to do with Go at all. I am sure there were uglier secrets among a few pros that no one cared about. Like for example illegal gambling on games, selling fake artifacts and cheating at the lower dan matches.
I knew Go wasn't the most popular game nowadays and certain people were willing to 'make sacrifices' like overlooking the aforementioned flaws to gain popularity - or to not lose more of it. Maybe that's why they were desperate to get rid of the person whose name had been dragged through the mud by tabloids. So I understood them - and I think Touya did too - but that didn't mean that I agreed with their decision.
I didn't feel like doing anything that day. I just sat before the television and stared at the flickering pictures that failed to catch my attention. I had been in my thoughts the whole day and was still there when Touya got home. I didn't even hear the rattling of keys, nor the opening of the door. I became aware of his presence only when he stepped in front of me and my glance caught on his dark silhouette before the glimmering lights of the TV. I hadn't noticed when it got dark in the room.
I heard him sigh and then he flopped down gracelessly next to me onto the couch. He seemed tired as he propped his head on his arms that were resting on his knees. I knew something had happened and slid my hand onto his dropped shoulders and tried to give him some support by rubbing his back awkwardly but he hissed and jerked when I brushed a spot near his spine.
"What's wrong?" I asked frowning. I didn't get any answer. "Where were you?"
He looked up at me, his back still slumped. "I went to talk with my father," he told me. His voice was tired and I noticed that he tried to remain indifferent about it. My hand brushed that spot again and he jolted once more. Only then did I realize that it was because he must have been hurt there.
"What did he do to you?" I asked furiously. I got up, turned up the lights and went back to him, intent on examining his back. He let me pull down his sweater and shirt so I could stare at the angry blue swelling under his shoulder blades.
"Did he hit you again?" I asked, not wanting to believe that something like that could happen. He wasn't a child anymore, surely he could defend himself. "Are there more?" I asked while I proceeded to search his body for other injuries.
"No, there aren't," he sighed, but he didn't object to my examination. He just sounded tired and resigned. I stopped when I looked at his face, then sat down again and pulled him into a comforting embrace, cautious not to touch the swelling on his back. His arms came up to hug my neck and he rested his head on my shoulder.
"Spill!" I told him and he did after a weary sigh.
"I went to see him this morning. I don't know what I wanted to achieve. Maybe I just wanted to tell him that he had won. As if he didn't know it already. Anyhow, I went there and he let me in. We spoke but he was so spiteful and superior with me when he told me that I deserved what I got for choosing to disgrace his family name and myself with my lifestyle."
"I tried to explain it to him once again that I didn't really choose to be homosexual but my words didn't seem to reach him. He told me that he thinks me disgusting and that he doesn't want to have to do anything with me. I told him that it is fine by me since I feel the same and thus I would be grateful if he didn't meddle with my life. At that he got angry with me for accusing him with having his hand in my "retirement". I didn't even mention that word."
"He became furious realizing that he had accidentally revealed himself so he tried to cover it with rage. He ranted about shame and reputation for a while and I think I made him more infuriated with my nonchalance. I just tried so hard not to show my anger."
"Then he told me that I am disowned and that he doesn't want a son like me, but this time he also showed me a formal decree that he prepared. He said I had a last chance. So if I promised to stop with my "disgusting activities" and marry the woman he chooses for me then he is willing to forget my past and the disgrace I brought upon him. If I obliged, then I was permitted to stay his son and eventually inherit his fortune but I had to move to another city. After the scandal I caused subsided, he was willing to use his connections, so I could play Go again professionally. And of course I wasn't allowed to see you ever again."
He stopped, his voice trembling slightly. I noticed that his hands gripped my shoulders so tightly that it hurt, but I didn't try to free myself from his hold. I didn't say anything. I waited for him to continue, for I was sure he wasn't done yet.
"I... I couldn't control myself anymore," he went into sobbing and I let him because he needed to let go. "I grabbed the front of his yukata and yelled at him that it would never happen and he could forget his little dream about playing the bloody forgiving parent and me being the remorseful, obedient son that does as he requests. That I don't give a damn about what people think about him because of me."
"I didn't want to hit him or anything like that. He is still my father after all. But he assumed that I would do that and wanted to defend himself." More like acting his anger out on him, I thought but didn't say one word. "He slammed me into the door post once or twice. Then my mother entered and he let me go."
He shuddered and I realized that he must be cold since he didn't have anything but pants and socks on. The swelling was just that - an ugly blue bruise but the skin wasn't broken, there was no blood. It wasn't in danger of infection. So I leaned back on the couch, put my feet on the other end pulling him over me and covered us with a blanket. It was a little too warm for me since I still had my jumper on, but I didn't care. He rested his head on my shoulder and I kept rubbing the small of his back under the blanket soothingly.
We let the silence linger for a while as neither one of us wanted to be the one to speak up. Though both of us knew there was something else to clear between us and it wouldn't do any good to ignore it any longer.
"Shindo," It was a strange thing for him to call me that after last night and the night before that. He must have realized that too because his voice faltered and then he went still again.
"Touya?" I said his name after a few seconds emphasizing it. He snorted at that.
"I don't think I go by that anymore. Remember? I am disowned."
"Are you nuts?" I rolled my eyes. He just shrugged at that. Then he sighed again. Here it comes - I thought. And I was right.
"I need you to answer something for me. Try to be serious." He waited for my answer that I gave him in form of a grunt then he spoke again. "I need to know what you think. How do you feel about me?"
I thought about that and didn't notice that the silence lasted longer. He thought I wouldn't answer. "I mean after what you did yesterday..." I knew he referred to the retiring part, not to anything else, "I think you understand that I need to know where we stand..." his voice sounded pained and anxious.
"I understand," I told him and felt him let out the breath he had held. It grazed my neck in a gentle puff that seemed to warm me deeper than just my skin. I felt an urge to smile and I didn't hold it back despite the seriousness of the topic.
I took a deep breath. "You want to know why I told them yesterday that if you have to retire I am also going to?" He nodded and his longish tresses brushed against my neck. "It's quite simple, really. You are the reason why I play go in the first place. If you are not there, what reason do I have to continue?"
He lifted his head and looked at me with an indignant frown. "You have plenty of reasons! You should have..."
I let out a half-grin and shrugged "Yeah, I know. I could have other players to play against, to try to beat for titles and 'achieve the Hand of God' with. But I don't care about other people. *You* were my rival ever since I knew what Go is. I wanted to reach *you*, to show *you* that I exist. Anything else was just extra." Sorry, Sai, I thought, I didn't mean you.
He looked at me now with a more concerned expression. "I don't understand..." he said slowly.
I felt the corner of my mouth jerk again and I snorted. "Of course you do," I told him and I saw in his eyes that as a matter of fact he did.
"But that's not the only reason why I did it," I continued after a few seconds pause. His glance became very intense all at once. I gulped - this was the part I'd have gladly avoided but there was no going back now.
"As for my feelings for you, I still don't know what the proper term is. I don't know if it is what's called love. I don't get the proverbial 'fluttering butterflies'-feeling in my stomach every time when I think about you or when I'm with you - aside from sex I mean..." I felt my face flush. His eyes became distant and I could see the hurt in them my words had caused. That hadn't been my intention; I had to get him to understand.
"But I cannot imagine being without you. Back there when I thought about how it would be when you left - for I knew that you wouldn't stay after what they did to you... forcing you to quit playing Go I mean - I felt empty. It was the same feeling I got when you told me you got your own apartment - since I didn't know you intended for me to move in here with you - only now it was thousand times worse..." I was babbling and I knew it. This emotion crap was never my strong side.
"Ah! To hell with it!" I exclaimed, having become frustrated with my clumsiness, and he jerked away a little in reaction. He couldn't go far though, due to my hand on the small of his back holding him firmly in the place.
"What I meant to say is, you are my rival, you are my friend but there is definitely more to it. I just can't give it a name yet. And I don't want you to leave, and I don't want to live without you."
He looked at me, stupefied. But then his expression changed gradually to a serious glare. He was assessing me for what seemed the longest time in my life. "I won't leave," he said solemnly. "And after what you just said, don't expect me to let *you* leave. Not in the near future at least. I can promise that since now I know this, you won't get rid of me easily."
His glare could have ignited an icicle - or vaporized it for that matter. But then his mouth twitched and his body reeled with poorly contained laughter. And then he burst out, pulling me with him. Our mirth seemed a bit hysterical but neither of us cared. It was a sign of feeling relieved - on my side at least.
"Fine by me," I told him after we both calmed down. He looked at me with hooded eyes that seemed just a bit too glistening but before he could embarrass himself he seized my lips with his own in a feverish kiss that soon turned determined but slowed down at once.
We lay there for nearly an hour kissing and groping a bit, but doing nothing more. I wouldn't call it fooling around. The act had a desperate tang to it and seemed bloody serious to degrade it as such. If his intention was to kiss me senseless, he achieved his goal. But I doubt that it was so simple. I think he wanted reassurance, nothing more - nothing less. Hell, I wanted it myself, so I could understand. I could indeed.
After what seemed like an eternity just lying there in each other's arms he got up and went to use the bathroom. I stood up to start making dinner for us when I heard the bell at the door. I looked at the clock - it was nearly eight. Not even Waya would drop by so late without calling before. I went to open the door and froze in the moment I caught sight of the black-haired woman standing there. She too seemed surprised and her face reddened a bit with something I couldn't make out. But her voice sounded determined.
"Shindo-san! I apologize for bothering you so late and visiting without forewarning, but I must speak to Akira-san, please!" That was the moment I realized who she was. I recognized her voice and the distinct resemblance in her features. Touya Akiko.
I took a step backwards and let her in without a word, motioning her towards the living room. After I had locked the door again, I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror and immediately understood her slight discomposure. My hair was rumpled and my clothes wrinkled, my shirt half pulled out of my trousers - in short, I looked like someone who did just what we had been doing only a few moments ago. I tucked my shirt back in, pulled on the wrinkles in my clothes and tried to flatten my hair to get rid of the 'ravished' appearance, but it was a lost cause. So I hurried after her and offered her a seat in one of the chairs - I felt my face burn when I followed her glance and took in the appearance of the couch.
That was the exact moment when Akira came in from the bathroom. Apparently he hadn't heard the doorbell ring because he was still shirtless, but at least his hair was freshly combed. There was a slight curve to the corner his mouth and he looked relaxed, contented even. But the moment he caught sight of his mother he abruptly erected his shields and put a mask of indifference on his face.
"Mother..." he greeted her and she promptly got up from the chair stepping close and pulling him into a gentle, loving hug. Touya was dazed at first but then lifted his arms to her shoulders and reciprocated it. His face relaxed again but still bore a slight frown of confusion and awareness.
Their embrace lasted only a few tentative moments. After that she pulled away and looked at her son's face in a reassuring, understanding way. Touya looked back at her steadily, and the tension slowly evaporated from his muscles, the stern expression easing from his face. Seeing that, she tried a shaky smile, but she failed to put up a brave face, and the tears, which had made her eyes glossy, began to flow freely down her cheeks. Her lips trembled, and then broke into a stuttering apology.
"I'm sorry I wasn't there for you earlier. I should have opposed your father the first time he hit you and drove you away. I should have supported you against him, but I was too much of a coward to even behave like a mother should... I'm sorry."
Touya put his hand on her shoulder again and led her to the couch where they sat down. They didn't seem to be concerned by my presence and I didn't know what to do, so I stayed there silently, unmoving, observing. I was glad she had come.
"Don't worry, mother, I understand..." Touya started to say, but she shook her head. She calmed down a bit and looked up at me. "I'm sorry, could I use the bathroom?"
"Of course, Touya-san," I told her and Touya stood up to show her the way. I used the opportunity to slip out into the kitchen and make tea. I heard footsteps behind me as I put up the water to brew and I couldn't suppress a little yelp when I felt his arms encircling my waist, but his warm weight felt good against my back.
"Do you want me to leave you two alone?" I asked while I prepared the cups and put the sugar on the tray.
"No, I want you to be there as does mother. She told me to thank you for inviting her earlier. You haven't told me about that."
I turned to look at him. He had put his shirt back on. "It was after we moved in. But she told me she couldn't come - or at least she let it sound like that. I thought it was a silly idea, and I didn't want you to feel bad because she turned me down, so I didn't tell you."
He nodded. There was a noise of the bathroom door closing and he went back into the living room. I waited for the water to boil, and after it did I followed them with the tray.
I saw Touya had put away the blanket and smoothed down the rumpled couch before he came out to me and now he was sitting on it while she sat on a chair. They were conversing quietly about how she was always following his game records and telling her friends about his progress when her husband wasn't present. They were waiting for me to come back before the 'real conversation', it seemed. She looked proud of her son and didn't appear to be troubled by his being gay, like some people who tried but couldn't really conceal their anxiety.
I put down the tray and there was a silence until everyone made his or her tea. I sat down on the other end of the couch but Touya immediately grabbed my arm and pulled me closer. We ended up sitting so close, I could feel the play of his muscles trough the thin material of our trousers, my arm encircling his waist (there wasn't really space to put it elsewhere), him reclining half on my shoulder, his hand resting on my thigh. I was a little stunned by his blunt display and glanced at Touya-san, but she only smiled at us fondly like there was nothing wrong with two men sitting together and groping each other like a horny teenaged couple. I hoped I wasn't blushing, but I couldn't tell for certain. I turned my head towards Touya and saw the tight set of his jaw and the determined fire in his eyes. So he wanted to provoke a reaction from his mother, I realized. But when he got nothing that indicated her disapproval he loosened up a bit and removed his hand to clasp his fingers around his cup.
Mrs. Touya looked at him, then at me and said, "Thank you for having taken care of my son when I wasn't there." She looked down on her own hands resting atop her lap and continued.
"I am here today for two reasons. One is to tell you that you two have my consent and my support even if I have to oppose my husband. You can always come to me. I want to be a part of my son's life and I have decided to act on it from now on. The other one is to tell you something about your father that may help you to understand his reasons for treating you like that ever since you told him about your preference, Akira-san."
I felt Touya go rigid under my arm and I started to rub the small of his back soothingly. Mrs. Touya also must have felt the change of air because she looked up at him. Her glance was serious and hard.
"I don't want to defend him. Before you misunderstand, I want to state that I don't agree with his actions under any condition. Even if I know where he is coming from."
Touya relaxed again and nodded at her. She didn't want to play pacemaker between her husband and her son, only wanted him to know why he was treated like that. She blinked and looked down again, this time at the slow curls of steam rising up from her cup of tea.
"You have to understand that your father isn't aware that I know what I am about to tell you, so you must not mention it to him, ever. He told it to me once when he was intoxicated, at a time before our marriage. He had this friend from the town he was born and grew up in visiting him after he took his professional exams. We were celebrating with other new professionals and their company, and I think this friend of his didn't know we were engaged. He was also... homosexual, and he tried a move on your father. It was a harmless thing, really, but he reacted almost violently and we left the scene shortly after. That was when he told me about his childhood."
She stopped to take a sip from the tea and then put it back on the tray and continued to speak. Her eyes were cast into the distance as if she was seeing what she was telling about in her mind's eye.
"He was about twelve years old when it happened. His father had a friend who was visiting their family regularly, once or twice a week. His mother and his father considered him a close friend of the family and even let him take your father out to fishing or the amusement park on occasions. This friend sometimes spent the night there too, because he lived a little further away and they had a big house with several guestrooms."
As I was listening to her, a sense of foreboding told me, where this story was going, and my stomach tightened into a knot. I felt Touya's fingers twitch, and I'm sure, we were thinking along the same lines. I didn't want to hear (and even more for him to hear) that his father had been subjected to child abuse, but neither of us had the audacity to speak up. So we just sat there holding on to each other and hang on her words, dreading what was about to come, but not willing to miss a thing, like little children who were told a ghost story.
"Once he woke up in the middle of the night and went out to drink some water and saw light coming from his father's room - his parents had separate bedrooms, but that wasn't unusual. So he went there and found the door ajar. He heard voices and looked in and he caught his father with his friend in the middle of... well, you can imagine." Her gaze flashed at my fingers resting comfortably on Touya's midriff I had no doubts about just what she must have been thinking in that moment.
"He was scared because he realized what he was seeing. Still, he managed to leave without them noticing he was there. He didn't speak about what he had witnessed to anyone. After that he started spy on his father and this friend, and from their behavior he concluded that it wasn't a one-time occurrence. They had been involved for a long time and continued their relationship right under his mother's nose.
"He was infuriated with his father for pretending to love his mother and pursuing a clandestine affair behind her back with a man, no less. Their marriage was an arranged one, but he still felt that his father had an obligation to love and be faithful to his mother and no one else. And this so-called friend violated the sanctimony of their family. He hated them for doing that to his mother and started to sneak upon them regularly. Once he saw his mother in the night walking around the corridor, but when she got to his father's bedroom and heard the voices she didn't come to look for their source just turned her back and left quickly.
"So he learnt that his mother was aware of what was between her husband and their family friend. The next day he questioned her about it when they were alone, and she tried to explain to him that his father was not to be blamed. He had fulfilled his duty as a husband with his conception, and since the marriage was conducted against his will, she felt, she didn't have the right to demand more from him - things he couldn't grant her. She was content with her son and her husband's love - even if it wasn't the love he should have given to his wife. But they were happy in a way and lived in understanding."
"Of course your father was too young to understand that, he started to hate his father even more for deceiving his mother and forcing her to live a life in shame. Then she died when he was twenty and your father severed all connection with your grandfather.
"I think he still sees it like that, that his father betrayed their family by having a relationship with someone else - and the fact that this someone was a man determined his whole attitude against homosexuality. I remember the fervent hate with which he spoke about his father. It was the same fervor in his voice and eyes when he spoke about you after your revelation to him."
She bowed her head. "I'm sorry, son, but I don't think he will ever be able to accept you the way you are. Maybe not even if you promised him you would change your lifestyle. I know how much he meant to you when you were younger and that it must have been hard on you. Still, I don't think he deserves your efforts of reconciliation. You shouldn't give up what you feel is the right thing or the right person," she inclined her head in my direction and let her eyes connect with mine for a second, "for you to earn somebody's forgiveness who treated you like that. Even if this somebody is your father."
Touya blinked slowly and I saw his Adam's apple moving as he swallowed the bitter pill. His mother went silent, her hands trembled slightly as she raised her cup to her lips. Touya looked down at his hands and didn't say anything. I observed him silently while I was thinking about the things I'd heard. The next one to speak again was Touya-san, her voice soft with concern and emotion.
"Did you think about what you will do now, since you both have officially quit playing Go?"
Touya looked up at her and I found it would be better if he spoke, so I let him. "No, we haven't spoken about that yet."
The truth was that neither of us had ever thought about a future that didn't involve playing Go. Neither of us had had to. Since he was little, it had been understood that he would follow in his father's footsteps. And I, meeting Sai and later chasing after Touya, it was a natural transition that let me become what I was. It never occurred me that once I would have to give up all that. To do anything else seemed unthinkable, and I knew neither of us could live with all connections severed to Go. Still, I knew I could always play him when I wanted to, and be a thousand times more content with it than playing professional Go in a world devoid of Touya Akira. And besides, it wasn't like we had to think about taking a job immediately. I had some savings on my bank account and was fairly sure that he had more than he needed. It wasn't enough for us to live without having anything to do for our remaining life, but it was enough for a couple of years, even if I had to support ourselves from my money alone - which he would never consent to.
I looked at him and felt that the same thoughts had occurred to him at the same time. He looked up at me and smiled that little confident smile again that he had worn earlier upon exiting the bathroom, and it told me that he didn't care, as long as he could have me. As long as it would be the two of us against... whatever may come.
I felt a strange throb in my throat that I had only ever felt before when he had made me worry - or after I had realized that Sai was gone. But this time it wasn't followed by misery and hollowness in my chest. I felt warmth flooding my face, my pulse drumming in my ears and... what had I been saying before, about the absence of butterflies in my stomach? Apparently I hadn't known what I was talking about.
I wanted to kiss him right then and there, before the eyes of his mother, but I restrained myself to a hug that was reciprocated with a strange fervor. After a few seconds Touya extricated himself of my arms, his face now red with embarrassment - mine must have been mirroring the color. He laced our fingers together and let me hold his hand for the rest of the evening.
Touya's mum stayed for another half hour and we talked about mundane things and she refrained from asking further questions about how we planned to proceed with our lives. We shoved her around the apartment and she praised the interior design, though it was mostly put together from pieces of our old furnishings. Then she thanked us for having her and left. It was late by then and we only had a late dinner consisting of sandwiches before going straight to bed.
TBC.
A/N: The second part of this chapter will be up next week. Please, review!
Chapter 05
Far away concerns
by Stray
19. 08. 2004 - 02.01.2005
rating: R
Disclaimers: not mine, only fussing around.
Warnings: bad English, angst, heavy OOCness, yaoi, Fluff-warning!
Pairing: HxA, IxW mentioned
Betas: Quirk-san and Anne-san
A/N: I had to correct and upload it a second time, because some of the commas and question marks went missing, mysteriously. If anyone sees them, please contact the local authorities! ^^'
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When I woke up the next morning, I felt dazed. Touya was already up and gone. Where to, I had no idea. He had left a note though to expect him back for lunch.
I got up, since I didn't feel like sleeping in. I was strangely sleepless and distraught. Though it's not so strange considering, just the day before I had given up my career as a professional Go player - the only thing I could picture doing with my life. It hurt to know that I would never be able to achieve the goals that only yesterday had not seemed so far away in my reach, like 'winning a title or two', or achieving the hand of God... with Touya Akira as a rival. And I had given up on it, on my own accord. Not even for Sai had I done that. And I hadn't even considered. I had decided on impulse.
Oddly enough, I didn't regret that decision one bit, because a future without a rival seemed just as barren as no future as a Go player. I regretted that I wasn't able to help Touya, and that people could be so blind to let a talent perish just because of some issue that the tabloids made a scandal of. I mean, it was true; Touya wasn't the spotless person everyone thought him to be. But it didn't affect his playing and didn't have anything to do with Go at all. I am sure there were uglier secrets among a few pros that no one cared about. Like for example illegal gambling on games, selling fake artifacts and cheating at the lower dan matches.
I knew Go wasn't the most popular game nowadays and certain people were willing to 'make sacrifices' like overlooking the aforementioned flaws to gain popularity - or to not lose more of it. Maybe that's why they were desperate to get rid of the person whose name had been dragged through the mud by tabloids. So I understood them - and I think Touya did too - but that didn't mean that I agreed with their decision.
I didn't feel like doing anything that day. I just sat before the television and stared at the flickering pictures that failed to catch my attention. I had been in my thoughts the whole day and was still there when Touya got home. I didn't even hear the rattling of keys, nor the opening of the door. I became aware of his presence only when he stepped in front of me and my glance caught on his dark silhouette before the glimmering lights of the TV. I hadn't noticed when it got dark in the room.
I heard him sigh and then he flopped down gracelessly next to me onto the couch. He seemed tired as he propped his head on his arms that were resting on his knees. I knew something had happened and slid my hand onto his dropped shoulders and tried to give him some support by rubbing his back awkwardly but he hissed and jerked when I brushed a spot near his spine.
"What's wrong?" I asked frowning. I didn't get any answer. "Where were you?"
He looked up at me, his back still slumped. "I went to talk with my father," he told me. His voice was tired and I noticed that he tried to remain indifferent about it. My hand brushed that spot again and he jolted once more. Only then did I realize that it was because he must have been hurt there.
"What did he do to you?" I asked furiously. I got up, turned up the lights and went back to him, intent on examining his back. He let me pull down his sweater and shirt so I could stare at the angry blue swelling under his shoulder blades.
"Did he hit you again?" I asked, not wanting to believe that something like that could happen. He wasn't a child anymore, surely he could defend himself. "Are there more?" I asked while I proceeded to search his body for other injuries.
"No, there aren't," he sighed, but he didn't object to my examination. He just sounded tired and resigned. I stopped when I looked at his face, then sat down again and pulled him into a comforting embrace, cautious not to touch the swelling on his back. His arms came up to hug my neck and he rested his head on my shoulder.
"Spill!" I told him and he did after a weary sigh.
"I went to see him this morning. I don't know what I wanted to achieve. Maybe I just wanted to tell him that he had won. As if he didn't know it already. Anyhow, I went there and he let me in. We spoke but he was so spiteful and superior with me when he told me that I deserved what I got for choosing to disgrace his family name and myself with my lifestyle."
"I tried to explain it to him once again that I didn't really choose to be homosexual but my words didn't seem to reach him. He told me that he thinks me disgusting and that he doesn't want to have to do anything with me. I told him that it is fine by me since I feel the same and thus I would be grateful if he didn't meddle with my life. At that he got angry with me for accusing him with having his hand in my "retirement". I didn't even mention that word."
"He became furious realizing that he had accidentally revealed himself so he tried to cover it with rage. He ranted about shame and reputation for a while and I think I made him more infuriated with my nonchalance. I just tried so hard not to show my anger."
"Then he told me that I am disowned and that he doesn't want a son like me, but this time he also showed me a formal decree that he prepared. He said I had a last chance. So if I promised to stop with my "disgusting activities" and marry the woman he chooses for me then he is willing to forget my past and the disgrace I brought upon him. If I obliged, then I was permitted to stay his son and eventually inherit his fortune but I had to move to another city. After the scandal I caused subsided, he was willing to use his connections, so I could play Go again professionally. And of course I wasn't allowed to see you ever again."
He stopped, his voice trembling slightly. I noticed that his hands gripped my shoulders so tightly that it hurt, but I didn't try to free myself from his hold. I didn't say anything. I waited for him to continue, for I was sure he wasn't done yet.
"I... I couldn't control myself anymore," he went into sobbing and I let him because he needed to let go. "I grabbed the front of his yukata and yelled at him that it would never happen and he could forget his little dream about playing the bloody forgiving parent and me being the remorseful, obedient son that does as he requests. That I don't give a damn about what people think about him because of me."
"I didn't want to hit him or anything like that. He is still my father after all. But he assumed that I would do that and wanted to defend himself." More like acting his anger out on him, I thought but didn't say one word. "He slammed me into the door post once or twice. Then my mother entered and he let me go."
He shuddered and I realized that he must be cold since he didn't have anything but pants and socks on. The swelling was just that - an ugly blue bruise but the skin wasn't broken, there was no blood. It wasn't in danger of infection. So I leaned back on the couch, put my feet on the other end pulling him over me and covered us with a blanket. It was a little too warm for me since I still had my jumper on, but I didn't care. He rested his head on my shoulder and I kept rubbing the small of his back under the blanket soothingly.
We let the silence linger for a while as neither one of us wanted to be the one to speak up. Though both of us knew there was something else to clear between us and it wouldn't do any good to ignore it any longer.
"Shindo," It was a strange thing for him to call me that after last night and the night before that. He must have realized that too because his voice faltered and then he went still again.
"Touya?" I said his name after a few seconds emphasizing it. He snorted at that.
"I don't think I go by that anymore. Remember? I am disowned."
"Are you nuts?" I rolled my eyes. He just shrugged at that. Then he sighed again. Here it comes - I thought. And I was right.
"I need you to answer something for me. Try to be serious." He waited for my answer that I gave him in form of a grunt then he spoke again. "I need to know what you think. How do you feel about me?"
I thought about that and didn't notice that the silence lasted longer. He thought I wouldn't answer. "I mean after what you did yesterday..." I knew he referred to the retiring part, not to anything else, "I think you understand that I need to know where we stand..." his voice sounded pained and anxious.
"I understand," I told him and felt him let out the breath he had held. It grazed my neck in a gentle puff that seemed to warm me deeper than just my skin. I felt an urge to smile and I didn't hold it back despite the seriousness of the topic.
I took a deep breath. "You want to know why I told them yesterday that if you have to retire I am also going to?" He nodded and his longish tresses brushed against my neck. "It's quite simple, really. You are the reason why I play go in the first place. If you are not there, what reason do I have to continue?"
He lifted his head and looked at me with an indignant frown. "You have plenty of reasons! You should have..."
I let out a half-grin and shrugged "Yeah, I know. I could have other players to play against, to try to beat for titles and 'achieve the Hand of God' with. But I don't care about other people. *You* were my rival ever since I knew what Go is. I wanted to reach *you*, to show *you* that I exist. Anything else was just extra." Sorry, Sai, I thought, I didn't mean you.
He looked at me now with a more concerned expression. "I don't understand..." he said slowly.
I felt the corner of my mouth jerk again and I snorted. "Of course you do," I told him and I saw in his eyes that as a matter of fact he did.
"But that's not the only reason why I did it," I continued after a few seconds pause. His glance became very intense all at once. I gulped - this was the part I'd have gladly avoided but there was no going back now.
"As for my feelings for you, I still don't know what the proper term is. I don't know if it is what's called love. I don't get the proverbial 'fluttering butterflies'-feeling in my stomach every time when I think about you or when I'm with you - aside from sex I mean..." I felt my face flush. His eyes became distant and I could see the hurt in them my words had caused. That hadn't been my intention; I had to get him to understand.
"But I cannot imagine being without you. Back there when I thought about how it would be when you left - for I knew that you wouldn't stay after what they did to you... forcing you to quit playing Go I mean - I felt empty. It was the same feeling I got when you told me you got your own apartment - since I didn't know you intended for me to move in here with you - only now it was thousand times worse..." I was babbling and I knew it. This emotion crap was never my strong side.
"Ah! To hell with it!" I exclaimed, having become frustrated with my clumsiness, and he jerked away a little in reaction. He couldn't go far though, due to my hand on the small of his back holding him firmly in the place.
"What I meant to say is, you are my rival, you are my friend but there is definitely more to it. I just can't give it a name yet. And I don't want you to leave, and I don't want to live without you."
He looked at me, stupefied. But then his expression changed gradually to a serious glare. He was assessing me for what seemed the longest time in my life. "I won't leave," he said solemnly. "And after what you just said, don't expect me to let *you* leave. Not in the near future at least. I can promise that since now I know this, you won't get rid of me easily."
His glare could have ignited an icicle - or vaporized it for that matter. But then his mouth twitched and his body reeled with poorly contained laughter. And then he burst out, pulling me with him. Our mirth seemed a bit hysterical but neither of us cared. It was a sign of feeling relieved - on my side at least.
"Fine by me," I told him after we both calmed down. He looked at me with hooded eyes that seemed just a bit too glistening but before he could embarrass himself he seized my lips with his own in a feverish kiss that soon turned determined but slowed down at once.
We lay there for nearly an hour kissing and groping a bit, but doing nothing more. I wouldn't call it fooling around. The act had a desperate tang to it and seemed bloody serious to degrade it as such. If his intention was to kiss me senseless, he achieved his goal. But I doubt that it was so simple. I think he wanted reassurance, nothing more - nothing less. Hell, I wanted it myself, so I could understand. I could indeed.
After what seemed like an eternity just lying there in each other's arms he got up and went to use the bathroom. I stood up to start making dinner for us when I heard the bell at the door. I looked at the clock - it was nearly eight. Not even Waya would drop by so late without calling before. I went to open the door and froze in the moment I caught sight of the black-haired woman standing there. She too seemed surprised and her face reddened a bit with something I couldn't make out. But her voice sounded determined.
"Shindo-san! I apologize for bothering you so late and visiting without forewarning, but I must speak to Akira-san, please!" That was the moment I realized who she was. I recognized her voice and the distinct resemblance in her features. Touya Akiko.
I took a step backwards and let her in without a word, motioning her towards the living room. After I had locked the door again, I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror and immediately understood her slight discomposure. My hair was rumpled and my clothes wrinkled, my shirt half pulled out of my trousers - in short, I looked like someone who did just what we had been doing only a few moments ago. I tucked my shirt back in, pulled on the wrinkles in my clothes and tried to flatten my hair to get rid of the 'ravished' appearance, but it was a lost cause. So I hurried after her and offered her a seat in one of the chairs - I felt my face burn when I followed her glance and took in the appearance of the couch.
That was the exact moment when Akira came in from the bathroom. Apparently he hadn't heard the doorbell ring because he was still shirtless, but at least his hair was freshly combed. There was a slight curve to the corner his mouth and he looked relaxed, contented even. But the moment he caught sight of his mother he abruptly erected his shields and put a mask of indifference on his face.
"Mother..." he greeted her and she promptly got up from the chair stepping close and pulling him into a gentle, loving hug. Touya was dazed at first but then lifted his arms to her shoulders and reciprocated it. His face relaxed again but still bore a slight frown of confusion and awareness.
Their embrace lasted only a few tentative moments. After that she pulled away and looked at her son's face in a reassuring, understanding way. Touya looked back at her steadily, and the tension slowly evaporated from his muscles, the stern expression easing from his face. Seeing that, she tried a shaky smile, but she failed to put up a brave face, and the tears, which had made her eyes glossy, began to flow freely down her cheeks. Her lips trembled, and then broke into a stuttering apology.
"I'm sorry I wasn't there for you earlier. I should have opposed your father the first time he hit you and drove you away. I should have supported you against him, but I was too much of a coward to even behave like a mother should... I'm sorry."
Touya put his hand on her shoulder again and led her to the couch where they sat down. They didn't seem to be concerned by my presence and I didn't know what to do, so I stayed there silently, unmoving, observing. I was glad she had come.
"Don't worry, mother, I understand..." Touya started to say, but she shook her head. She calmed down a bit and looked up at me. "I'm sorry, could I use the bathroom?"
"Of course, Touya-san," I told her and Touya stood up to show her the way. I used the opportunity to slip out into the kitchen and make tea. I heard footsteps behind me as I put up the water to brew and I couldn't suppress a little yelp when I felt his arms encircling my waist, but his warm weight felt good against my back.
"Do you want me to leave you two alone?" I asked while I prepared the cups and put the sugar on the tray.
"No, I want you to be there as does mother. She told me to thank you for inviting her earlier. You haven't told me about that."
I turned to look at him. He had put his shirt back on. "It was after we moved in. But she told me she couldn't come - or at least she let it sound like that. I thought it was a silly idea, and I didn't want you to feel bad because she turned me down, so I didn't tell you."
He nodded. There was a noise of the bathroom door closing and he went back into the living room. I waited for the water to boil, and after it did I followed them with the tray.
I saw Touya had put away the blanket and smoothed down the rumpled couch before he came out to me and now he was sitting on it while she sat on a chair. They were conversing quietly about how she was always following his game records and telling her friends about his progress when her husband wasn't present. They were waiting for me to come back before the 'real conversation', it seemed. She looked proud of her son and didn't appear to be troubled by his being gay, like some people who tried but couldn't really conceal their anxiety.
I put down the tray and there was a silence until everyone made his or her tea. I sat down on the other end of the couch but Touya immediately grabbed my arm and pulled me closer. We ended up sitting so close, I could feel the play of his muscles trough the thin material of our trousers, my arm encircling his waist (there wasn't really space to put it elsewhere), him reclining half on my shoulder, his hand resting on my thigh. I was a little stunned by his blunt display and glanced at Touya-san, but she only smiled at us fondly like there was nothing wrong with two men sitting together and groping each other like a horny teenaged couple. I hoped I wasn't blushing, but I couldn't tell for certain. I turned my head towards Touya and saw the tight set of his jaw and the determined fire in his eyes. So he wanted to provoke a reaction from his mother, I realized. But when he got nothing that indicated her disapproval he loosened up a bit and removed his hand to clasp his fingers around his cup.
Mrs. Touya looked at him, then at me and said, "Thank you for having taken care of my son when I wasn't there." She looked down on her own hands resting atop her lap and continued.
"I am here today for two reasons. One is to tell you that you two have my consent and my support even if I have to oppose my husband. You can always come to me. I want to be a part of my son's life and I have decided to act on it from now on. The other one is to tell you something about your father that may help you to understand his reasons for treating you like that ever since you told him about your preference, Akira-san."
I felt Touya go rigid under my arm and I started to rub the small of his back soothingly. Mrs. Touya also must have felt the change of air because she looked up at him. Her glance was serious and hard.
"I don't want to defend him. Before you misunderstand, I want to state that I don't agree with his actions under any condition. Even if I know where he is coming from."
Touya relaxed again and nodded at her. She didn't want to play pacemaker between her husband and her son, only wanted him to know why he was treated like that. She blinked and looked down again, this time at the slow curls of steam rising up from her cup of tea.
"You have to understand that your father isn't aware that I know what I am about to tell you, so you must not mention it to him, ever. He told it to me once when he was intoxicated, at a time before our marriage. He had this friend from the town he was born and grew up in visiting him after he took his professional exams. We were celebrating with other new professionals and their company, and I think this friend of his didn't know we were engaged. He was also... homosexual, and he tried a move on your father. It was a harmless thing, really, but he reacted almost violently and we left the scene shortly after. That was when he told me about his childhood."
She stopped to take a sip from the tea and then put it back on the tray and continued to speak. Her eyes were cast into the distance as if she was seeing what she was telling about in her mind's eye.
"He was about twelve years old when it happened. His father had a friend who was visiting their family regularly, once or twice a week. His mother and his father considered him a close friend of the family and even let him take your father out to fishing or the amusement park on occasions. This friend sometimes spent the night there too, because he lived a little further away and they had a big house with several guestrooms."
As I was listening to her, a sense of foreboding told me, where this story was going, and my stomach tightened into a knot. I felt Touya's fingers twitch, and I'm sure, we were thinking along the same lines. I didn't want to hear (and even more for him to hear) that his father had been subjected to child abuse, but neither of us had the audacity to speak up. So we just sat there holding on to each other and hang on her words, dreading what was about to come, but not willing to miss a thing, like little children who were told a ghost story.
"Once he woke up in the middle of the night and went out to drink some water and saw light coming from his father's room - his parents had separate bedrooms, but that wasn't unusual. So he went there and found the door ajar. He heard voices and looked in and he caught his father with his friend in the middle of... well, you can imagine." Her gaze flashed at my fingers resting comfortably on Touya's midriff I had no doubts about just what she must have been thinking in that moment.
"He was scared because he realized what he was seeing. Still, he managed to leave without them noticing he was there. He didn't speak about what he had witnessed to anyone. After that he started spy on his father and this friend, and from their behavior he concluded that it wasn't a one-time occurrence. They had been involved for a long time and continued their relationship right under his mother's nose.
"He was infuriated with his father for pretending to love his mother and pursuing a clandestine affair behind her back with a man, no less. Their marriage was an arranged one, but he still felt that his father had an obligation to love and be faithful to his mother and no one else. And this so-called friend violated the sanctimony of their family. He hated them for doing that to his mother and started to sneak upon them regularly. Once he saw his mother in the night walking around the corridor, but when she got to his father's bedroom and heard the voices she didn't come to look for their source just turned her back and left quickly.
"So he learnt that his mother was aware of what was between her husband and their family friend. The next day he questioned her about it when they were alone, and she tried to explain to him that his father was not to be blamed. He had fulfilled his duty as a husband with his conception, and since the marriage was conducted against his will, she felt, she didn't have the right to demand more from him - things he couldn't grant her. She was content with her son and her husband's love - even if it wasn't the love he should have given to his wife. But they were happy in a way and lived in understanding."
"Of course your father was too young to understand that, he started to hate his father even more for deceiving his mother and forcing her to live a life in shame. Then she died when he was twenty and your father severed all connection with your grandfather.
"I think he still sees it like that, that his father betrayed their family by having a relationship with someone else - and the fact that this someone was a man determined his whole attitude against homosexuality. I remember the fervent hate with which he spoke about his father. It was the same fervor in his voice and eyes when he spoke about you after your revelation to him."
She bowed her head. "I'm sorry, son, but I don't think he will ever be able to accept you the way you are. Maybe not even if you promised him you would change your lifestyle. I know how much he meant to you when you were younger and that it must have been hard on you. Still, I don't think he deserves your efforts of reconciliation. You shouldn't give up what you feel is the right thing or the right person," she inclined her head in my direction and let her eyes connect with mine for a second, "for you to earn somebody's forgiveness who treated you like that. Even if this somebody is your father."
Touya blinked slowly and I saw his Adam's apple moving as he swallowed the bitter pill. His mother went silent, her hands trembled slightly as she raised her cup to her lips. Touya looked down at his hands and didn't say anything. I observed him silently while I was thinking about the things I'd heard. The next one to speak again was Touya-san, her voice soft with concern and emotion.
"Did you think about what you will do now, since you both have officially quit playing Go?"
Touya looked up at her and I found it would be better if he spoke, so I let him. "No, we haven't spoken about that yet."
The truth was that neither of us had ever thought about a future that didn't involve playing Go. Neither of us had had to. Since he was little, it had been understood that he would follow in his father's footsteps. And I, meeting Sai and later chasing after Touya, it was a natural transition that let me become what I was. It never occurred me that once I would have to give up all that. To do anything else seemed unthinkable, and I knew neither of us could live with all connections severed to Go. Still, I knew I could always play him when I wanted to, and be a thousand times more content with it than playing professional Go in a world devoid of Touya Akira. And besides, it wasn't like we had to think about taking a job immediately. I had some savings on my bank account and was fairly sure that he had more than he needed. It wasn't enough for us to live without having anything to do for our remaining life, but it was enough for a couple of years, even if I had to support ourselves from my money alone - which he would never consent to.
I looked at him and felt that the same thoughts had occurred to him at the same time. He looked up at me and smiled that little confident smile again that he had worn earlier upon exiting the bathroom, and it told me that he didn't care, as long as he could have me. As long as it would be the two of us against... whatever may come.
I felt a strange throb in my throat that I had only ever felt before when he had made me worry - or after I had realized that Sai was gone. But this time it wasn't followed by misery and hollowness in my chest. I felt warmth flooding my face, my pulse drumming in my ears and... what had I been saying before, about the absence of butterflies in my stomach? Apparently I hadn't known what I was talking about.
I wanted to kiss him right then and there, before the eyes of his mother, but I restrained myself to a hug that was reciprocated with a strange fervor. After a few seconds Touya extricated himself of my arms, his face now red with embarrassment - mine must have been mirroring the color. He laced our fingers together and let me hold his hand for the rest of the evening.
Touya's mum stayed for another half hour and we talked about mundane things and she refrained from asking further questions about how we planned to proceed with our lives. We shoved her around the apartment and she praised the interior design, though it was mostly put together from pieces of our old furnishings. Then she thanked us for having her and left. It was late by then and we only had a late dinner consisting of sandwiches before going straight to bed.
TBC.
A/N: The second part of this chapter will be up next week. Please, review!