Hikaru No Go Fan Fiction ❯ Echoing truth ❯ - six - ( Chapter 6 )
[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]
By: Stray 
Anime/Manga: Hikaru No Go Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Angst / Drama | Type: Other | Uploaded On: 01.21.2005 | Pages: 8 | Words: 7.7K | Visits: 370 | Status: Completed
Anime/Manga: Hikaru No Go Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Angst / Drama | Type: Other | Uploaded On: 01.21.2005 | Pages: 8 | Words: 7.7K | Visits: 370 | Status: Completed
Echoing Truth
by Stray
29.12.2004
Disclaimer: I do not own Hikaru no Go, or it's characters and make no money of it. (*Oh wel ... Stil ,
damn! *) Anyhow... It's just for fun.
Warnings: depression, mature themes, slow progress of plot, stil bad English, yaoi hints (for now).
This is a slightly longer chapter, but don't get used to it!
Betaed by Anne and Quirk! You guys have my undying gratitude!
- Six -
On the first day of spring Akira found himself unpacking his trunk in yet another hotel room. This time
it was in a semi-rural area around Osaka where he was invited to take part in a Go seminar with
five other professionals: Ochi, Naze, Isumi, Saeki and Shindo. The hotel was built European-style and
it had double rooms. They were accommodated in pairs: Isumi with Saeki, Akira with Shindo, Naze
with a female go player from the Kansai institute and Ochi got himself a separate room saying that
he could afford it for the benefit of not having to share. Akira wondered if Ochi would have insisted
to get his own room if he'd have been paired with him since he never let an opportunity pass by to
play him and try to convince him that he should be Akira's eternal rival not Shindo. He wasn't
aware how futile his ambition was.
Akira had felt strangely ambiguous about the weekend since he was told that he would share
quarters with Shindo. On the one hand he was anticipating the opportunity to be able to speak
and play go with him in private since in the previous months Shindo turned him down repeatedly.
On the other hand he didn't look forward to have to sleep with him in the same room. He knew it
was unfair and had the seminar been held half-year prior he wouldn't have thought about it twice.
He kept reminding himself that Shindo wasn't aware of his knowing about his sexual preferences.
And that he wasn't to suspect either.
He was anxious because - based on former occasions - he didn't know if he would be able to
conceal his apprehension and behave natural y like a friend - even if Shindo didn't consider him
one anymore. He had every means to reanimate their lost friendship and redefine their rivalry
based upon that friendship.
Having put everything in its place, Akira stood up and lifted the heavy Goban he had requested as
an extra from the hotel service and put it down in the middle of the room, between the two beds.
But the room didn't have enough space and it would have been in the way, so he ended up
placing it into a corner. He knew that Shindo would notice it and wouldn't hesitate to ask if he
wanted to play him.
He was alone. He knew that Shindo would take the train arriving at noon like most of the other Go
players, so he had traveled with an earlier line. He wanted to be prepared mental y for the
meeting with him so he wouldn't screw up right at the beginning. He feared the possibility of Shindo
suggesting to switch beds with Saeki or Isumi if he got angry with him and he didn't want to risk
offending him. He thought maybe it would be best if he didn't meet him until later at the seminar
but considering his earlier tendency to avoid him, he wanted to ensure that Shindo would indeed
be his room mate for the fol owing two nights.
Akira decided on the direct approach. If Shindo prompted to request another room he would just
ask him to stay with him. He surely would understand that when he told his reasons and if he stil
didn't want to room with him he would accept. Or he could always try to appeal to Shindo's
compassion, explaining that he didn't want to spend the fol owing two nights with an obsessed
Ochi. Even if Shindo had avoided him as of late he surely didn't start to hate him so much to let him
suffer that.
He went down to the lounge and began to read a colored magazine that looked like a unique
issue printed out for this event exclusively. It had a short introduction by the CEO of the company
that sponsored the event who apparently was an amateur league player. Then fol owed a few
kifus from recent matches al played by the invited go players. Akira noted that there was one
match selected for each participant. But after those there was a print of the Meijin preliminary
match between him and Shindo from last year that had been an exceptional y close contest and
had been spoken about for a long time though he didn't consider it particularly good. They had
played some far better games, but most of them had taken place in the Go Club unofficial y so it
was understandable that the public wasn't aware of those.
He was lost in his thoughts - recreating one of the aforementioned games with Shindo in his mind -
when he heard people stepping through the large glass doors of the hotel. He looked at his watch
and noticed that it was indeed time for them to arrive. Al other players from the Tokyo Institute
were there, Ochi was walking in front loosely fol owed by the others who were conversing amongst
each other, carrying a relaxed attitude. Shindo was tel ing something to Isumi that prompted the
others to laugh and Ochi's frown to deepen. Akira concluded that Shindo must have made a
remark at his cost.
They were standing before the reception getting their magnetic keycards when he stepped
behind them and said his greetings. The other players turned towards him and they al started
towards the elevator. When they asked why he was already there, he told them that he had
arrived with an earlier train. He wasn't asked about his reasons to do so. Their rooms were al on
different floors. Ochi was the first who got out on the first, then Naze on the third. Akira and Shindo's
room was on the fourth and Isumi and Saeki's on the sixth and last floor. When the elevator stopped
on the fourth, Akira stood behind. He didn't know if the remaining three other had already
switched between rooms or if Shindo intended to ask one of them now. When the door opened
though, the bleached blond stepped out without a word apart from a quick "Later!" to the two
other players. He then looked at Akira questioningly and asked, "Aren't you coming?"
Akira nodded, feeling sil y, and fol owed him, completely forgetting to say goodbye to the two
older men.
"Something wrong?" Shindo asked when he caught up with him. "Where is our room?" He looked
around but expected him to show him the direction. Akira started to walk towards the right end of
the corridor since their room was the last one there. Shindo fol owed him immediately.
"So what's wrong?" he apparently didn't forget his question from earlier.
"Nothing," Akira answered simply and walked onward.
Shindo looked at him with a funny expression for a minute. "Oookay..." he said slowly, indicating
that he didn't believe one word but wasn't wil ing to argue about it.
They reached the room and Akira opened the door. He went in first and Shindo fol owed closing
the door quietly. He went to the unoccupied bed and started to unpack his things as if it was the
most natural thing on the world. Perhaps it was and it was only Akira's imagination that let him
believe that Shindo had intentional y avoided him for the past more than six weeks.
But he wasn't about to complain. He knew, if he did mention the topic, Shindo might throw a
tantrum and get another room that he didn't have to share with Akira. And though he acted as if
everything was normal, Akira could see a slight nervousness creeping over him as the silence
stretched longer and longer.
"What time is it?" the blonde asked final y though he had a watch. He was clearly intent to melt the
ice between them and the question was more to break the silence than an actual inquiry. Akira
told him nonetheless.
"It is noon, we have an hour before we have to go to lunch. The opening ceremony starts at two."
Shindo nodded absently, he was only half-paying attention to his words as though he was far away
in his thoughts. Akira remembered particularly hating that habit of him. Not that they were in the
middle of a serious conversation but he didn't like being ignored.
"Shindo, I am speaking to you!" he said indignantly. Only then did he notice that just then he acted
again like he had when they were younger - he got angry with the blonde about nothing. His
irritation grew but this time it was directed at his own childish behavior. He had thought that he had
grown out of that a while ago. He was expecting a similarly heated answer just like in old times, but
to his surprise Shindo just smiled at him sheepishly and shrugged.
"Sorry, I was just..." He didn't finish his sentence, instead he looked around the room for some
distraction and he seemed to have found it in the board. "Wanna play a game?" he asked looking
at it intently.
Akira fol owed his line of sight then looked back at him with a questioning frown. "What about
lunch?" He couldn't decide if Shindo had made the proposition because he wanted to drain the
tension of awkwardness that seemed to build up slowly between them or because he had
suddenly realized that this would be a good opportunity. Probably both.
"I am not particularly hungry, I have eaten on the train. But if you are, we can take a break and
continue later in the evening." After that Shindo looked at him assessingly and he returned his glare
for a second. He had had only breakfast but as Shindo had just said, they could suspend the game
if it got too late. Suddenly he realized that this was the occasion he had been waiting for for
months and he knew that he would agree. Nothing seemed as important in that moment - not
even the seminar - as to play against Shindo.
-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-
In the end they played until it was high time to get down to the opening ceremony. They didn't
have to break up in the middle. The game had started out hesitantly but had soon become fast
and furious; neither of them took too long time to think over their hands. Akira felt like he was
caught in the torrent of a flood or swept away with a raging storm - the thunders being the hard
noise of the stones slammed down onto the board and he saw lightning flashing in his opponent's
eyes. (Luckily the board wasn't an expensive one so they didn't have to worry about having
damaged it with the sheer force with which they placed some of the stones - particularly when in
the middle of a fierce fight.)
The game was over in one and a half hour. The outcome didn't real y matter at that point. And
that was more than a little surprising for Akira. They sat there in companionable silence after the
last stone was placed, contemplating and relieving in the silent tranquility after the proverbial
cleansing storm passed away. Neither of them had felt the need to discuss the game or break the
silence. Then Akira lifted his head and as his glance swept lazily over the clock on the wal , he
suddenly realized that they have only ten minutes to change into their suits and get down into the
hal .
The opening ceremony was the usual boring speech that he heard a thousand times already. He
didn't pay attention to the words; what he had to know about the event he had learned from the
invitation letter he received and bits from the magazine that he had read while he was waiting for
Shindo to arrive. Instead he observed the other invited players, more precisely he observed his rival.
The blonde was a bit absent-minded, but when their gazes met his eyes flared up with the fire of
their former encounter and that pleased Akira in a way. He was satisfied that he could stil get
Shindo to notice him, to wake an instant bout of rivalry in him when he thought it had been lost to
him along with his childhood. He had nearly forgotten how it felt - wanting to prove himself to
someone and the same someone wanting him to notice their ability and to be able to appreciate
that ability, to be able to assimilate it, to learn from it and to reciprocate the favor.
They spent the rest of the afternoon separately presenting go tactics of varying difficulty to smal
groups mainly consisting of amateurs; or explaining recently played title games; and final y sitting
at their respective Shidougo tables. Out of the four boards before Akira not more than one or two
was occupied at the same time.
Akira had dinner when he had fifteen minutes free in his busy schedule and then spent the rest of
the evening placing the stones on the board and explaining moves and strategies. It wasn't a
particularly thril ing occupation but he wasn't bored either. He enjoyed the relaxed atmosphere,
and the occasional gleam of understanding in the eyes of his counterparts rewarded him with
satisfaction.
When he got up to his room, way past midnight, Shindo was already there, sleeping soundly. He lay
prostrate, curling up a little, with his one arm tucked under his pil ow. He was turned towards the
wal and Akira saw the gentle rise and fal of his back under the blanket but couldn't hear his
breathing, only if he strained his ears. Funny how he'd always thought Shindo would snore. It would
have fitted his usual pretentious behavior. But that wasn't right either. True he had been pretentious
when they were younger but now he seemed having been grown out of it - wel most of the times
anyway.
Stil , he was relieved that he didn't have to face him this night before going to bed. As much as he
wanted to share a room with him hoping to get to spend a bit more time with him to revive their
friendship, the more he dreaded having to sleep in the same room with him. He didn't know if he
would be able to contain his apprehension if he would have had to see him getting ready for bed,
or feeling his eyes on him whilst he got changed into his nightwear - even if he'd be only imagining
it. He felt an odd sense of foolishness while he tried to get ready for the night without making any
noise and hurrying like little children who feared that the monsters lurking under their beds would
get them if they didn't reach the safety of their cot in time. He even pul ed the covers tight around
him and let loose the breath he had been holding back only when he was safely tucked away
under the sheets.
-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-
The next day was a little more exciting. He and Ochi had a demonstrative game that Shindo was
commentating, explaining the tactics behind their hands. Such demonstrations were usual y not
the ground for fierce fighting, revolutionary tactics and hands played based on intuition. So it
surprised Akira when he was confronted with those in Ochi's play. He placed the stones with a
ferocious determination as though they were playing a title game. He hadn't realized that the
desire to prove himself was so strong in his opponent, but he understood just why he played like he
did. Come to think of it, they hadn't got on opposite sides of the board since an eternity.
Akira tried not to give in to the temptation and plunge right in. He tried to hold his opponent back
with a conservative and over thought game but he only could do so until he got onto the verge of
actual y loosing against him. That was the turning point when the murmur of the audience ceased
from his mind. After that he only heard the control ed pa-chi of the stones, and the voice in his
head that read his opponent's moves, predicting his tactics and adjusting his own game to get the
desired results. Only after he placed a tricky hand, that looked like a defending move, but was
actual y preparing the board for a future attack that would completely disarrange the shape of his
opponent, and Ochi's hand came to a complete stop in the air in the middle of placing his
answering stone, did he realize that the voice wasn't his mind's reasoning. And it didn't sound in his
head, but it resounded loudly. It was explaining his tactic exactly, considering al those future
possibilities he would be most likely to use. And Ochi had heard it too. That's why his hand with the
stone had ceased to move and hovered over the board for mere seconds. Then it slowly retracted
and tightened around the stone convulsively.
Akira felt the urge to look up at his face - something he rarely did in the middle of a game -
averting his gaze from the board. Ochi didn't look at it either, nor did he look at him. His hard stare
was directed at their announcer whose eyes were fixed on the giant magnetic board that
displayed their game, microphone held tightly in his hand and eyes blazing with excitement as he
voiced the exact thoughts that were currently occupying Akira's mind. Akira could see in his
opponent's eyes that he hadn't read it ahead. He had real y thought Akira was defending his
position, and only upon hearing what Shindo had told their audience had he realized his mistake.
Ochi glared for a minute at Shindo who seemed oblivious to the interruption in the flow of the
game, then turned back to the board. But his eyes were hard and the intensity in his determination
was extinguished by the realization that hit him. The rest of the game he played sourly and
predictably like he should have from the beginning. And Akira was strangely content even if a
good game was ruined. Apparently Shindo stil possessed that unique understanding towards him
that let him see behind his pretenses. The one that made them true rivals.
-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-
After the demonstrational game had ended, they had had lunch and the rest of the day had
passed just like the previous one. With one little difference: he had felt ridiculously happy about the
occurrence during the game that Shindo hadn't even realized. Not that many people would have
noticed the change in his mood; he wasn't one to let anyone else witness his emotions, not even
those close to him like his mother. He acted just like at any other time, but he felt his thoughts and
sometimes even his gaze drawn to Shindo; and unlike the previous day, now he was positively
looking forward to the quiet time with him alone in their room after the day ended. He wanted to
play him desperately, to have been reacquainted with him again. Much like he had when he
chased after him after he had beaten him the first and second time, when he had known little
more about him than his name and his strength. But that hadn't been real y Shindo, now, had it?
He shuffled the nagging questions back away to his mind's rarely visited section, knowing that they
would remain unanswered until he succeeded to earn the blonde's friendship and trust to answer
them.
Time was flying and it was evening soon. Attendance became scarce; being the last night of the
event, most people's attention turned towards the bar. The main hal had become deserted apart
from a few guests stil in the middle of their Shidougo sessions, the invited pros and the personal.
Akira looked at his watch; it was half past nine. Then he looked around and spotted Shindo at his
assigned table from the previous day, playing a young woman. He thought about it only for an
instant then directed his steps towards him and stopped next to his rival. He looked down at the
board assessing the progress of the game. It wasn't a particularly demanding match; she was
pretty pathetic. But Shindo possessed a great deal of patience towards her hesitant moves - like
every good tutor should have. He was only partly concentrating, because he noticed his presence
instantly and looked up to him with a startlingly open smile on his lips.
"Touya! Sit down," he grabbed a chair and pul ed it next to his, indicating where he wanted him to
sit. Akira complied without a word and continued to observe the flow of the game in silence. The
woman was disconcerted for a few minutes by his arrival but after she realized, he wouldn't go
away, she resumed her acting towards that must have been her previous goal with an unnerving
smoothness. She wasn't interested in the game at al . She was flirting with Shindo blatantly, and
after he joined them at the table, she begun to cast glances ful of promises at Akira too. He felt
distinctly uncomfortable, but Shindo didn't seem to catch on her advances, or if he did, he hid it
remarkably wel .
She was just a bored wife (if the ring on her finger was any indication), undoubtedly dragged here
by her husband, who was currently enjoying himself in the bar. He didn't blame her for wanting to
have some entertainment for herself too. He just wanted her to final y leave and have that
entertainment somewhere else with someone else.
Surprisingly enough, his wish was granted in the matter of ten seconds, no less, when her husband
had come to pick her up and drag her away towards the bar, to his friends. Akira observed Shindo
by col ecting the stones and putting them away. Normal y he would have helped him, but when
he lifted his hand, the sudden thought of their fingers accidental y brushing together stopped his
movement. He knew ful wel , if that should happen, the possibility was there that he couldn't
control his unconscious reaction to jerk his hand away. That would, no doubt, alarm Shindo or just
plainly give him the false impression about his purposes to restore their friendship.
"Did you have dinner?" Shindo asked suddenly.
"No." Akira didn't want to go now to the hotel restaurant. He just wanted to have the privacy of
their room and the board between them. But his stomach chose that moment to object loudly at
his intentions. He felt embarrassment creeping up his face; normal y he was more in control of his
bodily needs.
Shindo looked up at him, ignoring his efforts to pretend that his stomach didn't just rumble audibly.
"Then how about we grab some pizza on the way back? I'm about to starve too."
Akira looked back with resentment. He didn't real y like fast food, and when he ate, he liked to
preserve his manners. But the pressure to play was now stronger. "You can have pizza, I wil have
some sandwiches," he said after a few minutes thinking. Shindo nodded, and they started towards
the self-service part of the hotel restaurant that had al the aforementioned food. Akira ended up
with mixed salad along his sandwiches and Shindo was clasping a carton box that contained his
two slices of pizza Hawai . The room had a little fridge with various beverages so they didn't have to
be concerned about drinks.
During the ride in the elevator Akira examined his sandwiches and it occurred to him that Shindo
hadn't even asked why he had come to his table or what was it that he wanted to do. He had just
assumed natural y, that he would want to go up to their room and sit down, with him on the
opposite side of the board.
After they had closed the door Shindo grabbed a few things and went to the bathroom. Two
minutes later he appeared wearing baggy green sweatpants and a yel ow tee. He threw his suit,
shirt and tie on his bed in a rumpled pile. Akira had already stripped out of his jacket, pul ed down
his tie and loosened the top button of his shirt to get comfortable. He noticed that the button just
above that was dangling loosely on a thread of cotton and it was only a matter of time that it let
go, so he plucked it down and pocketed the little plastic disc careful y. He felt a wave of self-
conscious heat flood his skin when he looked down and realized that his shirt was now open to the
line of his nipples, revealing a large surface of naked skin beneath. He was just glad none of his
scarce chest hair did show. He surely didn't want Shindo to look at this accidental display and get
the wrong impression; or just get excited by it...
He suppressed an irritated groan when he realized that his mind had over-elaborated things again,
as Shindo hadn't even looked at him once. He was too busy with his food that he tried to devour
the fastest possible, clearly in a hurry to begin the game. And apart from that, just because he was
a male, it didn't mean that Shindo would automatical y get aroused seeing a bit more skin, or take
it for an invitation. Most likely he wasn't even interested in him, just like Akira wasn't automatical y
interested in every female he had the chance to meet. Akira forced himself to relax and eat his
dinner.
He was only half through when Shindo stood up abruptly, obviously finished, and strol ed into the
bath to wash his hands. Then he came out and opened the fridge.
"Do you want something?" he asked peering into it. Akira swal owed; the sandwich was dry, even
with the mayonnaise.
"Is there tea?" he asked.
"No, but I have seen a box of teabags somewhere," he answered slowly. Surprisingly, the room had
its own coffee maker - American style - that could also brew tea. More surprising was that Shindo
immediately started to prepare some, fil ing the water container of the coffee maker and putting
two teabags into the upper part. Then he searched the cupboard for two mugs, spoons and some
sugar, and put them on a metal ic tray. He moved around remarkably like someone with years of
practice. That somehow disturbed Akira. It didn't fit into the old image of him.
That was the operative word: old. They had been rivals for years but no real friends. They had
played Go together regularly - until Shindo had begun to avoid him a few months ago - but had
done nothing else together. They weren't real y speaking to each other, only about Go. Akira had
realized by now that was hardly something he could cal friendship. He stil had the mental image
of a teenager freshly out of junior high in his mind when there was an adult standing or sitting
before him. Was it the same for Shindo? Did he look at him and see someone he had been when
they were younger? Or had he realized the changes he has undergone? He couldn't tel , since to
do so he would have had to known him better. But why had they drifted apart?
It had al begun on the afternoon when Shindo had sent him away because he had forgotten that
he had invited Akira to play in his new apartment. Afterwards he had acted self-conscious for a
while, and Akira had felt like he had intruded on his private life. He had felt unwanted so he had
begun to withdraw slowly from the territory, limiting their interactions solely on Go. It had seemed
to work, because Shindo had started to warm up to him again. So he had drawn an imaginary
borderline and had been careful not to tread over it in the future. He had succeeded and it felt so
natural by now that he had forgotten completely from its existence.
But now that he remembered at once, it occurred to him that maybe the cause of Shindo's recent
behavior was not - as Akari thought - Akira's past relationship with her[ETG1], but Shindo's own
performance at the club that night. That made more sense than the assumed jealousy. They had
been both there, and had witnessed him making a fool of himself. He must have been ashamed
and maybe got scared that they had seen enough to guess about his sexuality, that he obviously
wanted to keep secret. He would have to speak with Waya to confirm that though. But if it was
true, maybe Shindo was suspecting that he was already aware of him being gay. And if he was,
should he confirm that suspicion or act like he didn't know anything?
Act? Now there was a fat chance to that! He remembered that night he had discovered it in the
gay bar. What had been his reaction? He had run away so panicked that he hadn't even noticed
the rain and how he got home! Then he couldn't look into his eyes for weeks. He was aware of the
fact that that night in the bar he had been able to contain himself only because he was more
disgusted with Shindo's drunken behavior. But after that fiasco even Akari had been able to catch
on, and Shindo would have been too, had he been sober. Now he was, and there was little doubt
that he would guess what it meant, him getting always anxious and jumpy whenever they got
bodily close. So Akira decided to act natural y and not to attempt to lie about what he knew
anymore...
"Touya!" he was jolted out of his thoughts by Shindo's confused voice cal ing his name and he
yanked up his head - only to meat the puzzled gleam in a set of green eyes staring at him
questioningly, as Shindo bent down to look into his face from entirely too close. He felt a light
weight of a hand on his shoulder at the same time.
He panicked. His stomach clenched into a tight knot and his eyes grew large. His instant reaction
was to jerk backwards. As he did, he lost his balance inevitably, and fel back on his bed, his arms
fol owing the movement of his upper body and knocking out the mug ful of tea from the offering
hand. The hot liquid splashed out of its container and spil ed al over their fingers. Some of the tea
landed directly on Akira's lap, the rest got onto the carpet and the bedspreads. The mug smashed
into pieces on the floor.
Akira was stunned for a few seconds - not as much from the hot tea scalding his fingers before and
now his thighs as it began to seep through the pants, rather the shock of suddenly finding Shindo so
close to him. He heard Shindo's voice uttering a rather colorful curse and felt a hand clasping
around his wrist, pul ing his body up towards the bathroom. He was dragged there and fol owed
meekly, the outside world not real y registering in his brain just yet. It was busy replaying scruffy, old
memories like a black-and-white movie before his mind's eye.
When the cel uloid had run out, Akira found himself in the bathroom, and got another scare when
he realized that Shindo was just in the process of ripping open his trousers, no doubt to wrench
them down off of him. He let out a startled cry and managed to pul Shindo's hands to a halt
before he could open the zipper of his fly.
The blonde, who was kneeling in front of him, looked up equal y startled. Then he realized that
Akira was staring down at him, apparently awakened from his trance-like state, and that he was
lowered in a very dubious position before the other pro. Shindo's face reddened abruptly and he
let go of the material, jumping up and taking a step back hesitantly, obviously not convinced yet
that Akira was ful y back.
"You... you have to let cold water over it," he told him blinking and trying not to look at him. Akira
didn't realize at first why Shindo thought that necessary. He looked down at the offended garment
and the wet patches on it.
"It's nothing, just my trousers. It didn't get through to my skin," he mumbled. Now the fabric was
completely wet, lukewarm and sticky with sugar. He definitely needed to change out of them, and
possibly a shower. He told that Shindo and observed his retreating form as he staggered out of the
bathroom, pul ing the door closed after him.
Akira wasted no time; he divested himself rather abruptly from the slack trousers and fil ed the
basin, so he could get out the tea stains from it. As he put his hands into the warm water, he felt the
pul of burned skin, and realized that he must have gotten some of the hot tea on his fingers. Luckily
the tea wasn't at boiling temperature anymore, it had cooled down during the time Shindo had
prepared it and later while he had held it in his hand, cal ing his name and waiting for him to
register his presence. It hurt a great deal, but it didn't require medical attention.
Akira let the cloth soak while he showered. Every time water from the showerhead sprayed onto
the burn, the sharp jets of water created a piercing sensation that only served to increase the pain.
So he reduced the temperature a bit, until he couldn't feel his toes anymore, but the prickling,
natural y, wasn't soothed by the chil y water.
Shindo must have also scalded his hands, he thought absentmindedly. But he didn't let his thoughts
linger over Shindo much. His mind was stil blissful y numb from the shock caused by the
remembrance, so he didn't brood about what had happened and why it had, or about the
consequences - and later he would be glad for it. He would have never had the nerve to go out
and try to explain his reaction to Shindo if he did.
When he final y emerged from the bathroom, he found Shindo sitting on his bed, his hands
wrapped into a pair of wet socks. He felt the corner of his lips twitch at the sight but looking at the
stricken expression on his face he thought his mirth inappropriate and was able to prevent it.
"How is your hand?" he asked instead and realized with a sickening pul in his stomach that his
voice was trembling. Shindo didn't answer, just shrugged and looked away. Akira felt self-conscious
al of a sudden and pul ed the bathrobe tighter over his damp body.
"Sorry..." he rasped out feebly. Shindo looked up at his face again. His eyes were misted and
gloomy.
"I was wondering before... but now I am fairly sure that you know..." his voice sounded distant.
Akira nodded once. The blonde looked at him contemplating, but Akira had a distinct impression
that he didn't see him.
"How...?" Shindo asked, leaving his sentence unfinished again.
"I have seen you once... with someone..." Akira told him stil not moving from the place where he
stood.
"Oh." Shindo breathed, then there was a few seconds' silence. "...That explains it." He didn't ask
where and when. It wasn't real y important in that moment. His voice was calm and casual when
he next spoke. "Are you afraid of me? Or are you just disgusted?"
"I'm not..." Akira broke out in denial before he thought about it. Then he realized that he couldn't
have told a lie more obviously blatant like that and stopped in mid sentence.
"Then why are you standing there like you are ready to bolt any second? Why don't you come and
sit down?"
Akira's stomach turned again before his common sense could figure out that Shindo meant Akira's
own bed and not that he should sit next to him. "I..." he stammered, but then he forced his legs to
move and he gingerly lowered himself onto the bunk opposite to Shindo.
"So, which one?" asked the blonde with misleading cheerfulness.
"Sorry?" Akira lifted his head to look at him utterly confused. His brain was working overtime and
supplying him with too many stimuli at once.
"Afraid or disgusted?"
Akira looked at the other pro for a second silently and then shook his head to clear out the
confusing thoughts. "Look, I don't want to lie, I am not comfortable with it. But I don't have anything
against you personal y. It's just... You scared me; I thought you were going to ki... You... you were
too close. I don't have the best experiences, and every time... Just, there was someone..."
He was aware of the fact that his speech had made little to no sense at al . He grimaced and
stopped, biting down on his lower lip firmly to pul himself together. He didn't real y want to
elaborate about how the man he had looked up to through his entire childhood had tried to hit on
him and wouldn't cease to try and corner him even after he had refused him the first time. Or so he
had thought, but it had turned out that he hadn't been expressing himself clearly enough and the
pestering had continued until one time he had pul ed himself together and told him face to face -
since he obviously couldn't take hints - that he wasn't interested. Those little advances hadn't been
real y threatening; that much he realized now that he was an adult. But they had been enough to
scare him for a lifetime, and let him associate homosexuality with unwanted attention from
someone he had thought he could trust before. Therefore he was always wary, and expected
being harassed when he had to deal with someone he knew or suspected to be homosexual,
like... - he looked at his rival guiltily
Shindo observed the changes of his expression closely, frowning at first; then slowly understanding
crawled into his eyes.
"You mean Ogata Seiji?"
Akira's eyes squinted at the name and a little gasping sound left his lips before he could stop it.
Then he bore his gaze directly into Shindo's and asked, "How would you...?"
"...Know about that?" Shindo finished the sentence for him. "Wel , he had used to compare me to
you." His voice took on a strange mix of sobriety, nostalgia and bitterness but the recol ection
wasn't a fresh wound, Akira could tel that. "He had always told me how better looking and 'more
fitting for him' you were, 'a pity that you didn't appreciate his dedication'. So he had to content
himself with me instead." There was a pregnant silence after that revelation.
"Did you have a..." Akira didn't know how to express his surprise, but Shindo finished the sentence
instead of him.
"Relationship with him? More or less..." he grimaced and nodded once.
"When? How?" Akira gaped aggravated at him. He didn't dare ask: Why?
Shindo only smiled sardonical y and looked at him assessing his reaction. Akira couldn't guess why
he had started to talk so openly about a topic that obviously neither of them cherished discussing.
"Wel , the first time he tried to hit on me was after your father had col apsed and I visited him in the
hospital. But the first time he succeeded was after the first Hokuto Cup when I was so down." He
shrugged again but continued against his better judgment. "I guess, he kinda tricked me into it, but
it didn't matter to me then. I only wanted to have someone to comfort me and when I couldn't
have the one I real y wanted to be with..." he suddenly stopped and shook his head like he was just
waking up from a strange, far too realistic daydream. "I don't want to speak about that."
They both fel silent for a long time, became lost in their respective thoughts. Then it was Akira who
first broke the silence.
"Shindo?"
"Yes?" the blonde didn't look up. Akira could tel that he felt just as uncomfortable as he did. They
had both bared a part of their souls that wasn't intended to be seen by anyone else. True, there
were some things that needed to be said, but it was too much information, gave too deep insight
into the other's private little world. A little piece in the protective barrier surrounding that world had
vanished at once, and they have been peering right through the gap, into a vault that was
considered too personal for other people to try to comprehend without feeling the urge to recoil in
panic. They needed to move on from that place to somewhere, where it was nice and familiar
and secure. Where they wouldn't stumble across troublesome revelations. They needed to build up
the wal s again.
"Why don't we just play a game?"
TBC
A/N: Sorry for the long wait, guys! The constant pestering paid off and now I have two betas, who are currently
working on revising the earlier chapters and my other fic (Concerning Him). I am also glad to announce, that the last
chapter of 'Concerning Him' is written and currently under proof-reading. (There will be an epilogue later too.) I want
to thank to everyone who reviewed or just read it. Now we are nearing the yaoi part, but it will still be a slow
development, so I apologize beforehand. One more thing: I was sorely tempted to make Akari pregnant after the review
I got from Feely. ^.^ But it just doesn't fit into the plot. But that doesn't mean, I ignore plot requests generally, maybe I
will write something like that in another fic. If someone feels like giving me ideas, don't let this hold you back! Also if
you see a typo or some other type of mistake, please, don't hesitate to tell me. I am trying to work faster.
by Stray
29.12.2004
Disclaimer: I do not own Hikaru no Go, or it's characters and make no money of it. (*Oh wel ... Stil ,
damn! *) Anyhow... It's just for fun.
Warnings: depression, mature themes, slow progress of plot, stil bad English, yaoi hints (for now).
This is a slightly longer chapter, but don't get used to it!
Betaed by Anne and Quirk! You guys have my undying gratitude!
- Six -
On the first day of spring Akira found himself unpacking his trunk in yet another hotel room. This time
it was in a semi-rural area around Osaka where he was invited to take part in a Go seminar with
five other professionals: Ochi, Naze, Isumi, Saeki and Shindo. The hotel was built European-style and
it had double rooms. They were accommodated in pairs: Isumi with Saeki, Akira with Shindo, Naze
with a female go player from the Kansai institute and Ochi got himself a separate room saying that
he could afford it for the benefit of not having to share. Akira wondered if Ochi would have insisted
to get his own room if he'd have been paired with him since he never let an opportunity pass by to
play him and try to convince him that he should be Akira's eternal rival not Shindo. He wasn't
aware how futile his ambition was.
Akira had felt strangely ambiguous about the weekend since he was told that he would share
quarters with Shindo. On the one hand he was anticipating the opportunity to be able to speak
and play go with him in private since in the previous months Shindo turned him down repeatedly.
On the other hand he didn't look forward to have to sleep with him in the same room. He knew it
was unfair and had the seminar been held half-year prior he wouldn't have thought about it twice.
He kept reminding himself that Shindo wasn't aware of his knowing about his sexual preferences.
And that he wasn't to suspect either.
He was anxious because - based on former occasions - he didn't know if he would be able to
conceal his apprehension and behave natural y like a friend - even if Shindo didn't consider him
one anymore. He had every means to reanimate their lost friendship and redefine their rivalry
based upon that friendship.
Having put everything in its place, Akira stood up and lifted the heavy Goban he had requested as
an extra from the hotel service and put it down in the middle of the room, between the two beds.
But the room didn't have enough space and it would have been in the way, so he ended up
placing it into a corner. He knew that Shindo would notice it and wouldn't hesitate to ask if he
wanted to play him.
He was alone. He knew that Shindo would take the train arriving at noon like most of the other Go
players, so he had traveled with an earlier line. He wanted to be prepared mental y for the
meeting with him so he wouldn't screw up right at the beginning. He feared the possibility of Shindo
suggesting to switch beds with Saeki or Isumi if he got angry with him and he didn't want to risk
offending him. He thought maybe it would be best if he didn't meet him until later at the seminar
but considering his earlier tendency to avoid him, he wanted to ensure that Shindo would indeed
be his room mate for the fol owing two nights.
Akira decided on the direct approach. If Shindo prompted to request another room he would just
ask him to stay with him. He surely would understand that when he told his reasons and if he stil
didn't want to room with him he would accept. Or he could always try to appeal to Shindo's
compassion, explaining that he didn't want to spend the fol owing two nights with an obsessed
Ochi. Even if Shindo had avoided him as of late he surely didn't start to hate him so much to let him
suffer that.
He went down to the lounge and began to read a colored magazine that looked like a unique
issue printed out for this event exclusively. It had a short introduction by the CEO of the company
that sponsored the event who apparently was an amateur league player. Then fol owed a few
kifus from recent matches al played by the invited go players. Akira noted that there was one
match selected for each participant. But after those there was a print of the Meijin preliminary
match between him and Shindo from last year that had been an exceptional y close contest and
had been spoken about for a long time though he didn't consider it particularly good. They had
played some far better games, but most of them had taken place in the Go Club unofficial y so it
was understandable that the public wasn't aware of those.
He was lost in his thoughts - recreating one of the aforementioned games with Shindo in his mind -
when he heard people stepping through the large glass doors of the hotel. He looked at his watch
and noticed that it was indeed time for them to arrive. Al other players from the Tokyo Institute
were there, Ochi was walking in front loosely fol owed by the others who were conversing amongst
each other, carrying a relaxed attitude. Shindo was tel ing something to Isumi that prompted the
others to laugh and Ochi's frown to deepen. Akira concluded that Shindo must have made a
remark at his cost.
They were standing before the reception getting their magnetic keycards when he stepped
behind them and said his greetings. The other players turned towards him and they al started
towards the elevator. When they asked why he was already there, he told them that he had
arrived with an earlier train. He wasn't asked about his reasons to do so. Their rooms were al on
different floors. Ochi was the first who got out on the first, then Naze on the third. Akira and Shindo's
room was on the fourth and Isumi and Saeki's on the sixth and last floor. When the elevator stopped
on the fourth, Akira stood behind. He didn't know if the remaining three other had already
switched between rooms or if Shindo intended to ask one of them now. When the door opened
though, the bleached blond stepped out without a word apart from a quick "Later!" to the two
other players. He then looked at Akira questioningly and asked, "Aren't you coming?"
Akira nodded, feeling sil y, and fol owed him, completely forgetting to say goodbye to the two
older men.
"Something wrong?" Shindo asked when he caught up with him. "Where is our room?" He looked
around but expected him to show him the direction. Akira started to walk towards the right end of
the corridor since their room was the last one there. Shindo fol owed him immediately.
"So what's wrong?" he apparently didn't forget his question from earlier.
"Nothing," Akira answered simply and walked onward.
Shindo looked at him with a funny expression for a minute. "Oookay..." he said slowly, indicating
that he didn't believe one word but wasn't wil ing to argue about it.
They reached the room and Akira opened the door. He went in first and Shindo fol owed closing
the door quietly. He went to the unoccupied bed and started to unpack his things as if it was the
most natural thing on the world. Perhaps it was and it was only Akira's imagination that let him
believe that Shindo had intentional y avoided him for the past more than six weeks.
But he wasn't about to complain. He knew, if he did mention the topic, Shindo might throw a
tantrum and get another room that he didn't have to share with Akira. And though he acted as if
everything was normal, Akira could see a slight nervousness creeping over him as the silence
stretched longer and longer.
"What time is it?" the blonde asked final y though he had a watch. He was clearly intent to melt the
ice between them and the question was more to break the silence than an actual inquiry. Akira
told him nonetheless.
"It is noon, we have an hour before we have to go to lunch. The opening ceremony starts at two."
Shindo nodded absently, he was only half-paying attention to his words as though he was far away
in his thoughts. Akira remembered particularly hating that habit of him. Not that they were in the
middle of a serious conversation but he didn't like being ignored.
"Shindo, I am speaking to you!" he said indignantly. Only then did he notice that just then he acted
again like he had when they were younger - he got angry with the blonde about nothing. His
irritation grew but this time it was directed at his own childish behavior. He had thought that he had
grown out of that a while ago. He was expecting a similarly heated answer just like in old times, but
to his surprise Shindo just smiled at him sheepishly and shrugged.
"Sorry, I was just..." He didn't finish his sentence, instead he looked around the room for some
distraction and he seemed to have found it in the board. "Wanna play a game?" he asked looking
at it intently.
Akira fol owed his line of sight then looked back at him with a questioning frown. "What about
lunch?" He couldn't decide if Shindo had made the proposition because he wanted to drain the
tension of awkwardness that seemed to build up slowly between them or because he had
suddenly realized that this would be a good opportunity. Probably both.
"I am not particularly hungry, I have eaten on the train. But if you are, we can take a break and
continue later in the evening." After that Shindo looked at him assessingly and he returned his glare
for a second. He had had only breakfast but as Shindo had just said, they could suspend the game
if it got too late. Suddenly he realized that this was the occasion he had been waiting for for
months and he knew that he would agree. Nothing seemed as important in that moment - not
even the seminar - as to play against Shindo.
-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-
In the end they played until it was high time to get down to the opening ceremony. They didn't
have to break up in the middle. The game had started out hesitantly but had soon become fast
and furious; neither of them took too long time to think over their hands. Akira felt like he was
caught in the torrent of a flood or swept away with a raging storm - the thunders being the hard
noise of the stones slammed down onto the board and he saw lightning flashing in his opponent's
eyes. (Luckily the board wasn't an expensive one so they didn't have to worry about having
damaged it with the sheer force with which they placed some of the stones - particularly when in
the middle of a fierce fight.)
The game was over in one and a half hour. The outcome didn't real y matter at that point. And
that was more than a little surprising for Akira. They sat there in companionable silence after the
last stone was placed, contemplating and relieving in the silent tranquility after the proverbial
cleansing storm passed away. Neither of them had felt the need to discuss the game or break the
silence. Then Akira lifted his head and as his glance swept lazily over the clock on the wal , he
suddenly realized that they have only ten minutes to change into their suits and get down into the
hal .
The opening ceremony was the usual boring speech that he heard a thousand times already. He
didn't pay attention to the words; what he had to know about the event he had learned from the
invitation letter he received and bits from the magazine that he had read while he was waiting for
Shindo to arrive. Instead he observed the other invited players, more precisely he observed his rival.
The blonde was a bit absent-minded, but when their gazes met his eyes flared up with the fire of
their former encounter and that pleased Akira in a way. He was satisfied that he could stil get
Shindo to notice him, to wake an instant bout of rivalry in him when he thought it had been lost to
him along with his childhood. He had nearly forgotten how it felt - wanting to prove himself to
someone and the same someone wanting him to notice their ability and to be able to appreciate
that ability, to be able to assimilate it, to learn from it and to reciprocate the favor.
They spent the rest of the afternoon separately presenting go tactics of varying difficulty to smal
groups mainly consisting of amateurs; or explaining recently played title games; and final y sitting
at their respective Shidougo tables. Out of the four boards before Akira not more than one or two
was occupied at the same time.
Akira had dinner when he had fifteen minutes free in his busy schedule and then spent the rest of
the evening placing the stones on the board and explaining moves and strategies. It wasn't a
particularly thril ing occupation but he wasn't bored either. He enjoyed the relaxed atmosphere,
and the occasional gleam of understanding in the eyes of his counterparts rewarded him with
satisfaction.
When he got up to his room, way past midnight, Shindo was already there, sleeping soundly. He lay
prostrate, curling up a little, with his one arm tucked under his pil ow. He was turned towards the
wal and Akira saw the gentle rise and fal of his back under the blanket but couldn't hear his
breathing, only if he strained his ears. Funny how he'd always thought Shindo would snore. It would
have fitted his usual pretentious behavior. But that wasn't right either. True he had been pretentious
when they were younger but now he seemed having been grown out of it - wel most of the times
anyway.
Stil , he was relieved that he didn't have to face him this night before going to bed. As much as he
wanted to share a room with him hoping to get to spend a bit more time with him to revive their
friendship, the more he dreaded having to sleep in the same room with him. He didn't know if he
would be able to contain his apprehension if he would have had to see him getting ready for bed,
or feeling his eyes on him whilst he got changed into his nightwear - even if he'd be only imagining
it. He felt an odd sense of foolishness while he tried to get ready for the night without making any
noise and hurrying like little children who feared that the monsters lurking under their beds would
get them if they didn't reach the safety of their cot in time. He even pul ed the covers tight around
him and let loose the breath he had been holding back only when he was safely tucked away
under the sheets.
-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-
The next day was a little more exciting. He and Ochi had a demonstrative game that Shindo was
commentating, explaining the tactics behind their hands. Such demonstrations were usual y not
the ground for fierce fighting, revolutionary tactics and hands played based on intuition. So it
surprised Akira when he was confronted with those in Ochi's play. He placed the stones with a
ferocious determination as though they were playing a title game. He hadn't realized that the
desire to prove himself was so strong in his opponent, but he understood just why he played like he
did. Come to think of it, they hadn't got on opposite sides of the board since an eternity.
Akira tried not to give in to the temptation and plunge right in. He tried to hold his opponent back
with a conservative and over thought game but he only could do so until he got onto the verge of
actual y loosing against him. That was the turning point when the murmur of the audience ceased
from his mind. After that he only heard the control ed pa-chi of the stones, and the voice in his
head that read his opponent's moves, predicting his tactics and adjusting his own game to get the
desired results. Only after he placed a tricky hand, that looked like a defending move, but was
actual y preparing the board for a future attack that would completely disarrange the shape of his
opponent, and Ochi's hand came to a complete stop in the air in the middle of placing his
answering stone, did he realize that the voice wasn't his mind's reasoning. And it didn't sound in his
head, but it resounded loudly. It was explaining his tactic exactly, considering al those future
possibilities he would be most likely to use. And Ochi had heard it too. That's why his hand with the
stone had ceased to move and hovered over the board for mere seconds. Then it slowly retracted
and tightened around the stone convulsively.
Akira felt the urge to look up at his face - something he rarely did in the middle of a game -
averting his gaze from the board. Ochi didn't look at it either, nor did he look at him. His hard stare
was directed at their announcer whose eyes were fixed on the giant magnetic board that
displayed their game, microphone held tightly in his hand and eyes blazing with excitement as he
voiced the exact thoughts that were currently occupying Akira's mind. Akira could see in his
opponent's eyes that he hadn't read it ahead. He had real y thought Akira was defending his
position, and only upon hearing what Shindo had told their audience had he realized his mistake.
Ochi glared for a minute at Shindo who seemed oblivious to the interruption in the flow of the
game, then turned back to the board. But his eyes were hard and the intensity in his determination
was extinguished by the realization that hit him. The rest of the game he played sourly and
predictably like he should have from the beginning. And Akira was strangely content even if a
good game was ruined. Apparently Shindo stil possessed that unique understanding towards him
that let him see behind his pretenses. The one that made them true rivals.
-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-
After the demonstrational game had ended, they had had lunch and the rest of the day had
passed just like the previous one. With one little difference: he had felt ridiculously happy about the
occurrence during the game that Shindo hadn't even realized. Not that many people would have
noticed the change in his mood; he wasn't one to let anyone else witness his emotions, not even
those close to him like his mother. He acted just like at any other time, but he felt his thoughts and
sometimes even his gaze drawn to Shindo; and unlike the previous day, now he was positively
looking forward to the quiet time with him alone in their room after the day ended. He wanted to
play him desperately, to have been reacquainted with him again. Much like he had when he
chased after him after he had beaten him the first and second time, when he had known little
more about him than his name and his strength. But that hadn't been real y Shindo, now, had it?
He shuffled the nagging questions back away to his mind's rarely visited section, knowing that they
would remain unanswered until he succeeded to earn the blonde's friendship and trust to answer
them.
Time was flying and it was evening soon. Attendance became scarce; being the last night of the
event, most people's attention turned towards the bar. The main hal had become deserted apart
from a few guests stil in the middle of their Shidougo sessions, the invited pros and the personal.
Akira looked at his watch; it was half past nine. Then he looked around and spotted Shindo at his
assigned table from the previous day, playing a young woman. He thought about it only for an
instant then directed his steps towards him and stopped next to his rival. He looked down at the
board assessing the progress of the game. It wasn't a particularly demanding match; she was
pretty pathetic. But Shindo possessed a great deal of patience towards her hesitant moves - like
every good tutor should have. He was only partly concentrating, because he noticed his presence
instantly and looked up to him with a startlingly open smile on his lips.
"Touya! Sit down," he grabbed a chair and pul ed it next to his, indicating where he wanted him to
sit. Akira complied without a word and continued to observe the flow of the game in silence. The
woman was disconcerted for a few minutes by his arrival but after she realized, he wouldn't go
away, she resumed her acting towards that must have been her previous goal with an unnerving
smoothness. She wasn't interested in the game at al . She was flirting with Shindo blatantly, and
after he joined them at the table, she begun to cast glances ful of promises at Akira too. He felt
distinctly uncomfortable, but Shindo didn't seem to catch on her advances, or if he did, he hid it
remarkably wel .
She was just a bored wife (if the ring on her finger was any indication), undoubtedly dragged here
by her husband, who was currently enjoying himself in the bar. He didn't blame her for wanting to
have some entertainment for herself too. He just wanted her to final y leave and have that
entertainment somewhere else with someone else.
Surprisingly enough, his wish was granted in the matter of ten seconds, no less, when her husband
had come to pick her up and drag her away towards the bar, to his friends. Akira observed Shindo
by col ecting the stones and putting them away. Normal y he would have helped him, but when
he lifted his hand, the sudden thought of their fingers accidental y brushing together stopped his
movement. He knew ful wel , if that should happen, the possibility was there that he couldn't
control his unconscious reaction to jerk his hand away. That would, no doubt, alarm Shindo or just
plainly give him the false impression about his purposes to restore their friendship.
"Did you have dinner?" Shindo asked suddenly.
"No." Akira didn't want to go now to the hotel restaurant. He just wanted to have the privacy of
their room and the board between them. But his stomach chose that moment to object loudly at
his intentions. He felt embarrassment creeping up his face; normal y he was more in control of his
bodily needs.
Shindo looked up at him, ignoring his efforts to pretend that his stomach didn't just rumble audibly.
"Then how about we grab some pizza on the way back? I'm about to starve too."
Akira looked back with resentment. He didn't real y like fast food, and when he ate, he liked to
preserve his manners. But the pressure to play was now stronger. "You can have pizza, I wil have
some sandwiches," he said after a few minutes thinking. Shindo nodded, and they started towards
the self-service part of the hotel restaurant that had al the aforementioned food. Akira ended up
with mixed salad along his sandwiches and Shindo was clasping a carton box that contained his
two slices of pizza Hawai . The room had a little fridge with various beverages so they didn't have to
be concerned about drinks.
During the ride in the elevator Akira examined his sandwiches and it occurred to him that Shindo
hadn't even asked why he had come to his table or what was it that he wanted to do. He had just
assumed natural y, that he would want to go up to their room and sit down, with him on the
opposite side of the board.
After they had closed the door Shindo grabbed a few things and went to the bathroom. Two
minutes later he appeared wearing baggy green sweatpants and a yel ow tee. He threw his suit,
shirt and tie on his bed in a rumpled pile. Akira had already stripped out of his jacket, pul ed down
his tie and loosened the top button of his shirt to get comfortable. He noticed that the button just
above that was dangling loosely on a thread of cotton and it was only a matter of time that it let
go, so he plucked it down and pocketed the little plastic disc careful y. He felt a wave of self-
conscious heat flood his skin when he looked down and realized that his shirt was now open to the
line of his nipples, revealing a large surface of naked skin beneath. He was just glad none of his
scarce chest hair did show. He surely didn't want Shindo to look at this accidental display and get
the wrong impression; or just get excited by it...
He suppressed an irritated groan when he realized that his mind had over-elaborated things again,
as Shindo hadn't even looked at him once. He was too busy with his food that he tried to devour
the fastest possible, clearly in a hurry to begin the game. And apart from that, just because he was
a male, it didn't mean that Shindo would automatical y get aroused seeing a bit more skin, or take
it for an invitation. Most likely he wasn't even interested in him, just like Akira wasn't automatical y
interested in every female he had the chance to meet. Akira forced himself to relax and eat his
dinner.
He was only half through when Shindo stood up abruptly, obviously finished, and strol ed into the
bath to wash his hands. Then he came out and opened the fridge.
"Do you want something?" he asked peering into it. Akira swal owed; the sandwich was dry, even
with the mayonnaise.
"Is there tea?" he asked.
"No, but I have seen a box of teabags somewhere," he answered slowly. Surprisingly, the room had
its own coffee maker - American style - that could also brew tea. More surprising was that Shindo
immediately started to prepare some, fil ing the water container of the coffee maker and putting
two teabags into the upper part. Then he searched the cupboard for two mugs, spoons and some
sugar, and put them on a metal ic tray. He moved around remarkably like someone with years of
practice. That somehow disturbed Akira. It didn't fit into the old image of him.
That was the operative word: old. They had been rivals for years but no real friends. They had
played Go together regularly - until Shindo had begun to avoid him a few months ago - but had
done nothing else together. They weren't real y speaking to each other, only about Go. Akira had
realized by now that was hardly something he could cal friendship. He stil had the mental image
of a teenager freshly out of junior high in his mind when there was an adult standing or sitting
before him. Was it the same for Shindo? Did he look at him and see someone he had been when
they were younger? Or had he realized the changes he has undergone? He couldn't tel , since to
do so he would have had to known him better. But why had they drifted apart?
It had al begun on the afternoon when Shindo had sent him away because he had forgotten that
he had invited Akira to play in his new apartment. Afterwards he had acted self-conscious for a
while, and Akira had felt like he had intruded on his private life. He had felt unwanted so he had
begun to withdraw slowly from the territory, limiting their interactions solely on Go. It had seemed
to work, because Shindo had started to warm up to him again. So he had drawn an imaginary
borderline and had been careful not to tread over it in the future. He had succeeded and it felt so
natural by now that he had forgotten completely from its existence.
But now that he remembered at once, it occurred to him that maybe the cause of Shindo's recent
behavior was not - as Akari thought - Akira's past relationship with her[ETG1], but Shindo's own
performance at the club that night. That made more sense than the assumed jealousy. They had
been both there, and had witnessed him making a fool of himself. He must have been ashamed
and maybe got scared that they had seen enough to guess about his sexuality, that he obviously
wanted to keep secret. He would have to speak with Waya to confirm that though. But if it was
true, maybe Shindo was suspecting that he was already aware of him being gay. And if he was,
should he confirm that suspicion or act like he didn't know anything?
Act? Now there was a fat chance to that! He remembered that night he had discovered it in the
gay bar. What had been his reaction? He had run away so panicked that he hadn't even noticed
the rain and how he got home! Then he couldn't look into his eyes for weeks. He was aware of the
fact that that night in the bar he had been able to contain himself only because he was more
disgusted with Shindo's drunken behavior. But after that fiasco even Akari had been able to catch
on, and Shindo would have been too, had he been sober. Now he was, and there was little doubt
that he would guess what it meant, him getting always anxious and jumpy whenever they got
bodily close. So Akira decided to act natural y and not to attempt to lie about what he knew
anymore...
"Touya!" he was jolted out of his thoughts by Shindo's confused voice cal ing his name and he
yanked up his head - only to meat the puzzled gleam in a set of green eyes staring at him
questioningly, as Shindo bent down to look into his face from entirely too close. He felt a light
weight of a hand on his shoulder at the same time.
He panicked. His stomach clenched into a tight knot and his eyes grew large. His instant reaction
was to jerk backwards. As he did, he lost his balance inevitably, and fel back on his bed, his arms
fol owing the movement of his upper body and knocking out the mug ful of tea from the offering
hand. The hot liquid splashed out of its container and spil ed al over their fingers. Some of the tea
landed directly on Akira's lap, the rest got onto the carpet and the bedspreads. The mug smashed
into pieces on the floor.
Akira was stunned for a few seconds - not as much from the hot tea scalding his fingers before and
now his thighs as it began to seep through the pants, rather the shock of suddenly finding Shindo so
close to him. He heard Shindo's voice uttering a rather colorful curse and felt a hand clasping
around his wrist, pul ing his body up towards the bathroom. He was dragged there and fol owed
meekly, the outside world not real y registering in his brain just yet. It was busy replaying scruffy, old
memories like a black-and-white movie before his mind's eye.
When the cel uloid had run out, Akira found himself in the bathroom, and got another scare when
he realized that Shindo was just in the process of ripping open his trousers, no doubt to wrench
them down off of him. He let out a startled cry and managed to pul Shindo's hands to a halt
before he could open the zipper of his fly.
The blonde, who was kneeling in front of him, looked up equal y startled. Then he realized that
Akira was staring down at him, apparently awakened from his trance-like state, and that he was
lowered in a very dubious position before the other pro. Shindo's face reddened abruptly and he
let go of the material, jumping up and taking a step back hesitantly, obviously not convinced yet
that Akira was ful y back.
"You... you have to let cold water over it," he told him blinking and trying not to look at him. Akira
didn't realize at first why Shindo thought that necessary. He looked down at the offended garment
and the wet patches on it.
"It's nothing, just my trousers. It didn't get through to my skin," he mumbled. Now the fabric was
completely wet, lukewarm and sticky with sugar. He definitely needed to change out of them, and
possibly a shower. He told that Shindo and observed his retreating form as he staggered out of the
bathroom, pul ing the door closed after him.
Akira wasted no time; he divested himself rather abruptly from the slack trousers and fil ed the
basin, so he could get out the tea stains from it. As he put his hands into the warm water, he felt the
pul of burned skin, and realized that he must have gotten some of the hot tea on his fingers. Luckily
the tea wasn't at boiling temperature anymore, it had cooled down during the time Shindo had
prepared it and later while he had held it in his hand, cal ing his name and waiting for him to
register his presence. It hurt a great deal, but it didn't require medical attention.
Akira let the cloth soak while he showered. Every time water from the showerhead sprayed onto
the burn, the sharp jets of water created a piercing sensation that only served to increase the pain.
So he reduced the temperature a bit, until he couldn't feel his toes anymore, but the prickling,
natural y, wasn't soothed by the chil y water.
Shindo must have also scalded his hands, he thought absentmindedly. But he didn't let his thoughts
linger over Shindo much. His mind was stil blissful y numb from the shock caused by the
remembrance, so he didn't brood about what had happened and why it had, or about the
consequences - and later he would be glad for it. He would have never had the nerve to go out
and try to explain his reaction to Shindo if he did.
When he final y emerged from the bathroom, he found Shindo sitting on his bed, his hands
wrapped into a pair of wet socks. He felt the corner of his lips twitch at the sight but looking at the
stricken expression on his face he thought his mirth inappropriate and was able to prevent it.
"How is your hand?" he asked instead and realized with a sickening pul in his stomach that his
voice was trembling. Shindo didn't answer, just shrugged and looked away. Akira felt self-conscious
al of a sudden and pul ed the bathrobe tighter over his damp body.
"Sorry..." he rasped out feebly. Shindo looked up at his face again. His eyes were misted and
gloomy.
"I was wondering before... but now I am fairly sure that you know..." his voice sounded distant.
Akira nodded once. The blonde looked at him contemplating, but Akira had a distinct impression
that he didn't see him.
"How...?" Shindo asked, leaving his sentence unfinished again.
"I have seen you once... with someone..." Akira told him stil not moving from the place where he
stood.
"Oh." Shindo breathed, then there was a few seconds' silence. "...That explains it." He didn't ask
where and when. It wasn't real y important in that moment. His voice was calm and casual when
he next spoke. "Are you afraid of me? Or are you just disgusted?"
"I'm not..." Akira broke out in denial before he thought about it. Then he realized that he couldn't
have told a lie more obviously blatant like that and stopped in mid sentence.
"Then why are you standing there like you are ready to bolt any second? Why don't you come and
sit down?"
Akira's stomach turned again before his common sense could figure out that Shindo meant Akira's
own bed and not that he should sit next to him. "I..." he stammered, but then he forced his legs to
move and he gingerly lowered himself onto the bunk opposite to Shindo.
"So, which one?" asked the blonde with misleading cheerfulness.
"Sorry?" Akira lifted his head to look at him utterly confused. His brain was working overtime and
supplying him with too many stimuli at once.
"Afraid or disgusted?"
Akira looked at the other pro for a second silently and then shook his head to clear out the
confusing thoughts. "Look, I don't want to lie, I am not comfortable with it. But I don't have anything
against you personal y. It's just... You scared me; I thought you were going to ki... You... you were
too close. I don't have the best experiences, and every time... Just, there was someone..."
He was aware of the fact that his speech had made little to no sense at al . He grimaced and
stopped, biting down on his lower lip firmly to pul himself together. He didn't real y want to
elaborate about how the man he had looked up to through his entire childhood had tried to hit on
him and wouldn't cease to try and corner him even after he had refused him the first time. Or so he
had thought, but it had turned out that he hadn't been expressing himself clearly enough and the
pestering had continued until one time he had pul ed himself together and told him face to face -
since he obviously couldn't take hints - that he wasn't interested. Those little advances hadn't been
real y threatening; that much he realized now that he was an adult. But they had been enough to
scare him for a lifetime, and let him associate homosexuality with unwanted attention from
someone he had thought he could trust before. Therefore he was always wary, and expected
being harassed when he had to deal with someone he knew or suspected to be homosexual,
like... - he looked at his rival guiltily
Shindo observed the changes of his expression closely, frowning at first; then slowly understanding
crawled into his eyes.
"You mean Ogata Seiji?"
Akira's eyes squinted at the name and a little gasping sound left his lips before he could stop it.
Then he bore his gaze directly into Shindo's and asked, "How would you...?"
"...Know about that?" Shindo finished the sentence for him. "Wel , he had used to compare me to
you." His voice took on a strange mix of sobriety, nostalgia and bitterness but the recol ection
wasn't a fresh wound, Akira could tel that. "He had always told me how better looking and 'more
fitting for him' you were, 'a pity that you didn't appreciate his dedication'. So he had to content
himself with me instead." There was a pregnant silence after that revelation.
"Did you have a..." Akira didn't know how to express his surprise, but Shindo finished the sentence
instead of him.
"Relationship with him? More or less..." he grimaced and nodded once.
"When? How?" Akira gaped aggravated at him. He didn't dare ask: Why?
Shindo only smiled sardonical y and looked at him assessing his reaction. Akira couldn't guess why
he had started to talk so openly about a topic that obviously neither of them cherished discussing.
"Wel , the first time he tried to hit on me was after your father had col apsed and I visited him in the
hospital. But the first time he succeeded was after the first Hokuto Cup when I was so down." He
shrugged again but continued against his better judgment. "I guess, he kinda tricked me into it, but
it didn't matter to me then. I only wanted to have someone to comfort me and when I couldn't
have the one I real y wanted to be with..." he suddenly stopped and shook his head like he was just
waking up from a strange, far too realistic daydream. "I don't want to speak about that."
They both fel silent for a long time, became lost in their respective thoughts. Then it was Akira who
first broke the silence.
"Shindo?"
"Yes?" the blonde didn't look up. Akira could tel that he felt just as uncomfortable as he did. They
had both bared a part of their souls that wasn't intended to be seen by anyone else. True, there
were some things that needed to be said, but it was too much information, gave too deep insight
into the other's private little world. A little piece in the protective barrier surrounding that world had
vanished at once, and they have been peering right through the gap, into a vault that was
considered too personal for other people to try to comprehend without feeling the urge to recoil in
panic. They needed to move on from that place to somewhere, where it was nice and familiar
and secure. Where they wouldn't stumble across troublesome revelations. They needed to build up
the wal s again.
"Why don't we just play a game?"
TBC
A/N: Sorry for the long wait, guys! The constant pestering paid off and now I have two betas, who are currently
working on revising the earlier chapters and my other fic (Concerning Him). I am also glad to announce, that the last
chapter of 'Concerning Him' is written and currently under proof-reading. (There will be an epilogue later too.) I want
to thank to everyone who reviewed or just read it. Now we are nearing the yaoi part, but it will still be a slow
development, so I apologize beforehand. One more thing: I was sorely tempted to make Akari pregnant after the review
I got from Feely. ^.^ But it just doesn't fit into the plot. But that doesn't mean, I ignore plot requests generally, maybe I
will write something like that in another fic. If someone feels like giving me ideas, don't let this hold you back! Also if
you see a typo or some other type of mistake, please, don't hesitate to tell me. I am trying to work faster.