Hikaru No Go Fan Fiction ❯ Echoing truth ❯ - eight - ( Chapter 8 )

[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]

It should have been easy. Everything had worked out just the right way – he should have known that it had been too smooth to be true.

The following week Akari had canceled their appointment, telling him that she had a date. Akira had congratulated her. He could hear in her voice that she was still mad at him for his behavior last time. He had refrained from mentioning anything, though.

As circumstances wanted, this had been the cause he had met Shindo in a Go salon he had randomly visited that night. After playing with him two games, Akira had suggested for them to have a drink together. At first Shindo had seemed reluctant, but Akira hadn’t relented and finally he had got his way.

They had gone into a half-empty bar nearby and found a quiet table where they had sat down in the company of a bottle beer for each.

The conversation had started slowly and had proceeded awkwardly until after the first few bottles. Several hours later, having dug up some old, mutual memories, they had been comfortably sprawled on the padded benches, having an easy argument about their second game before in the club.

Akira had decided the atmosphere was relaxed enough; it was time to tell Shindo that he didn’t mind… he couldn’t quite say the word but Shindo had seemed to understand nonetheless. The other pro had been a bit taken aback. The place and the time hadn’t been the right one for such a conversion. That had been one of the reasons Akira had chosen them: he hadn’t wanted to have a conversation about the topic. He hadn’t been lying per se; he just hadn’t felt as confident as he would have liked to. He hadn’t wanted Shindo to think he had been deceiving him.

Akari had made him realize that he should have told it to Shindo right after that night of confessions in the hotel, even if it would have been a lie. No wonder Shindo hadn’t wanted to see him; he had thought that his presence made Akira uneasy. Akira had thought about it for days on end, and had decided that he could accept him, or at least meet him halfway and be ready to work for his part of this friendship.

Of course, he hadn’t told this Shindo in so many words. He had felt awkward formulating the sentences, so he had tried to get over it quick. Shindo had seemed to understand that too. At least Akira had hoped he had. He hadn’t asked any questions or said anything, just nodded.

Then to lighten the mood and plunge into the middle before Akira had lost his momentum, he had asked Shindo if he had wanted to make up plans for them to meet regularly in the Go salon (‘if Ichikawa-san still has our old place’). He had seen Shindo’s hesitance at first, but the blond player had loosened up relatively quickly afterwards and agreed to a date. Akira hadn’t asked for anything more yet; he had thought the other aspects of a friendship, like hanging out like they were doing just then, or meeting outside of Go, could wait until after Shindo felt comfortable around him, and he around Shindo.

The night had ended pleasantly and without a disaster - not their usual after-game behavior.

Four days later, Akira was sitting at his old table at the back of his (father’s) Go salon, opposite to the blonde man, like so many years before. And he wished nothing more than being able to put out of his mind that really stupid dream he had woken from that morning, and concentrate to their game. But every time Shindo looked at him or just got too close to him, the images of the dream flickered alive before his eyes and he found hard to distinguish between the dream and reality.

He hadn't dreamed about Ogata-san for a long time, perhaps years. The dreams had started when he was thirteen and had accompanied him through puberty to the beginning of his twenties, repeating themselves in irregular intervals. The first dream had been the scariest thing of his youth after his father's breakdown and the anxiety of finally having the opportunity to meet Shindo in a game before the high school tournament.

It had begun with a harmless fantasy - Akira had been fairly sure every boy of his age had imagined such activities at a time of their puberty - the one about how it would be to touch and be touched by another boy.

At first he had found it disturbing that those images would come to him so naturally, but he had figured that they had derived from knowing his own body and having no experience with girls beyond some kissing whatsoever. So he had found himself submitting to those fantasies more and more often, without further complications in his everyday life.

The first complication had aroused from outside. Ogata-san had used to take out Akira into a movie every couple of weeks since he had been eight. One night they had met old friends of his and ended up in a bar, drinking. Akira had been allowed to a less strict curfew just a few days before that night, and he had wanted to use the opportunity. So, instead of taking a taxi home, he had stayed and listened to the stories Ogata-san’s friends were telling about the life of the grown-ups that he had found so fascinating at that time. The adults were drinking and the stories got wilder with every new glass that had been emptied.

Akira hadn’t known how he had ended up in a situation he would have rather not been in, in such a short time. The topic had changed to girlfriends and lovers – steady ones and one night stands and paid services. Then one of the men had asked Ogata-san if Akira was either of those. Akira had felt his breath caught in his chest. Ogata-san had been staring at him for a couple of seconds before answering, but his answer hadn’t calmed Akira one bit. Ogata-san had been still looking into his eyes while he had told their companions that he wouldn’t mind teaching Akira a thing or two if he would let him.

Akira had felt like he had been just overrun by a truck, but the men had just laughed and Ogata-san told him it was time for him to go home.

On that night the adolescent fantasy turned into a nightmare. He had dreamed about those things, he had imagined Ogata-san wanted to ‘teach’ him, coming true in a disturbing way. Akira had felt sick after it, even so that he had woken up before his dream had gone too far. At first he had thought his teenager mentality had misinterpreted Ogata-san's words for the worse, and he had even felt guilty because of it.

When he had met Ogata-san the next time, he had apologized for his behavior. But, as Akira had found out later, he had only meant the being drunk part, not the offer. It had become obvious soon enough, as Ogata-san had warmed to the idea and grown to be more and more direct with his hints. Akira couldn't explain them anymore with his own dirty imagination, and that was the reason his nightmares really started.

The dream sequences had been similar. Some place where he had found himself alone, then Ogata-san appearing on the scene and coming on to him, first speaking to him, trying to convince him. After he had refused his advances, the dream-Ogata started to become forceful and oppressive. He started to touch him, and kiss him. Akira could even smell his cigarette-reeking breath, and the kisses he had given him had been enforced, sloppy and bad-tasting. He hadn't dreamed of Ogata-san raping him, only touching his naked body until he had come in the dream - and frequently, in reality too. It had felt so wrong that he had used to throw up after waking up from such a dream.

The dreams hadn't stopped after he had succeeded to make Ogata-san understand that he hadn't fancied him and his advances had been unwanted – that is, only after he had outgrown the man and felt sure that he could protect himself, should he try anything with him.

And now the dream was back, only thousand times worse. It had begun the familiar way, Ogata-san cornering him in a public toilet in the Go institute after dark. But in the middle of it, Ogata-san’s face abruptly changed into the familiar features of Shindo. It had been Shindo who kissed, undressed and touched him. He had been sure, even if his dream-self closed his eyes in embarrassment and later in the heat of passion, because he couldn't taste smoke in the hot breath caressing his face. It had been worse, because it hadn't felt disgusting at all. His dream-Shindo was neither demanding; he had taken what Akira had given him.

Akira had been sick nevertheless after waking up, but because of an entirely different reason. That was something he didn’t want to admit, even to himself.

By the time he had arrived in the Go salon he had realized that it had been a bad idea to force the sickness back and don't give his body the opportunity to relive itself. Thus, the nausea hadn’t gone away the whole day. He hadn’t been able to eat anything either because his stomach turned at the thought of food. This didn’t help a bit to calm down his nerves before meeting Shindo in the afternoon.

He thought he had been successful in concealing his queasiness, so it had been a nasty surprise when Shindo asked out of the blue if everything was okay with him. Akira felt threatened, so his first reaction was attacking.

“Of course I am okay! Besides, you are loosing the game. Shouldn’t you be concentrating on the board instead of me?,” he barked at Shindo.

After that, Shindo didn’t ask any more questions, but Akira saw that he wasn’t oblivious to the change in his behavior, and Akira was fairly sure, he could also guess the reason. Shindo didn’t let it on, though Akira noticed that he was a bit subdued because of it.

Akira couldn’t really concentrate on his hands and continued to make stupid mistakes. Shindo didn’t say anything, only looked at him with some odd expression a few times. The flow of the game was uneven, and they were both disturbed and disappointed with it.

Both of them were highly frustrated when the game finally ended, no wonder they fell back into their old habit of arguing. The argument was nearly as vicious and loud as the ones they used to have when they first started to play together after their first official game. Ichikawa-san was looking at them with disbelief written on her face. And she was right; they were no children anymore, for Goddess’ sake!

Akira sighed and shut his mouth, deciding that he was finished with the childish fighting for today. Unfortunately, it was Shindo’s turn to yell, and, worked up by their previous shouting arguments, he didn’t notice instantly that Akira’s temper had already died down. He was still in the middle of a temper tantrum that, Akira thought with remorse, was completely his fault. But in the heat of it Shindo stepped a little closer to him, and Akira became at once painfully aware of his sudden proximity.

He felt his face slowly drain, as he concentrated on holding back his now intensified urge to increase the distance between their bodies. He didn’t want to look like an utter jerk before Shindo, as if his performance that afternoon wasn’t already enough to make him one. But when the blond Go player’s fist came so close to him that it nearly touched his nose, Akira’s instincts were faster than his mind’s control over his body. In the next instant he found himself in three a steps distance, with the expression of dread frozen onto his face for a few seconds, while he failed to don his well-practiced icy facade - and opposite of a very frustrated and hurt-looking Shindo. He couldn’t really blame him after that for turning his back to him, and stomping out of the salon without a word.

Akira went home. He then spent the next few days in growing agitation over his behavior and what it must have done to their resumed companionship. He felt so ashamed. He wanted nothing more than to apologize. He decided to just walk up to Shindo and do it without launching into a lengthy explanation, which, he knew, Shindo wouldn’t understand anyhow. So he wouldn’t have the time to loose his nerves and back out of the situation before he could make amends with him. It didn’t matter if the other man didn’t forgive him instantly. Akira knew he wouldn’t have the nerves to stay and try to explain the situation to the blonde. Shindo would understand, even if it took some time. He had to, after what Akira had told him on the last night of the Go seminar.

After his decision had been made, he just had to find an opportunity to get Shindo alone and willing to listen to him. That had proved a bit harder than he had originally thought. Akira had tried it for a week, every day. He stood at the exit of the Go Institute waiting for him. Unfortunately it turned out that every time Shindo had either had company or had finished his game and was gone already. Finally, the opportunity presented itself in a whole unexpected way, time and place.

It happened on a rainy Saturday afternoon, after he had just finished his regular tutoring session and was underway home. At the corner to the underground parking place he bumped into Shindo, both of them in a hurry to get into some dry place. Both of them were surprised, Akira couldn’t tell if the surprise was pleasant for Shindo or the opposite. But because of it Shindo had ended up inviting Akira into his apartment, and Akira – actually accepting the invitation.

Later he wondered if it had been a chance in his life for everything to happen when it was raining.

TBC

A/N: I hate this chapter. I really tired to put some dialogue into it, but I always ended up deleting them, because they didn’t have to say anything important. Anyhow, this had to be written before I start with the *fun* part.