Hikaru No Go Fan Fiction ❯ The Extent of Denial ❯ Apologies, Altercations and More Apologies ( Chapter 2 )

Hikaru helped Touya into the car, feeling truly wretched. He had only wanted to get Touya to enjoy something other than Go, for once. If anything, this had just made the other boy more reluctant to do anything but Go.

 

Going around to his side, he let himself in and just sat there in the silence with Touya, going over the evening in his head.

 

“Touya…”

 

The other boy glanced at him, looking wary.

 

“I'm…I'm so sorry. I really thought you might have fun.”

 

Touya seemed to bite back some remark, settling for a nod.

 

“And I'm sorry that Waya wasn't being very nice to you. I'm sorry that I made you do something you really hated, but I…I just want you to know that I was glad you were here.”

 

Aqua eyes examined him in the near darkness, softening slightly. “I enjoyed spending time with you, too. Maybe sometime we can go somewhere a little…quieter.”

 

“Sure. Sure, anything. I'd like that.” Hikaru glanced down at his hand clenching the gearshift and started the car, putting the windows down again.

 

He drove back slowly, not really wanting to leave Touya's company just yet. Touya really was his best friend.

 

There had to be a way for the two of them to actually do something that both would enjoy. Perhaps he could try going to a museum with Touya. Maybe the beach would be something the other pro would enjoy - but at night. Getting an idea, he glanced at Touya.

 

“You…you wanna stop by the beach? Just for a minute. It's not that far away, and it's quiet and there won't be anyone there. You…you wanna?”

 

Touya favored him with a measuring look. “Are you certain that there won't be any more of your friends there?” The other boy's tone was slightly acidic.

 

“Yeah…no other friends.”

 

“Very well. I doubt I can embarrass myself any further, anyway.”

 

Hikaru remained silent, gnawing on the inside of his lip. He'd done something `stupid' again. He just didn't think things through. Touya had told him that a million times when they were playing Go, and even his mother had said it to him. Like that time he did the laundry and mixed in a bunch of his new t-shirts, dying everything yellow…

 

He never read instructions and he never thought things through. He did everything by instinct. When he was with Akira, especially, he needed to think.

 

Perhaps they could actually talk at the beach…about something other than Go.

 

As he drove, light and shadow flickered through the car. He watched from the corner of his eye as moonlight gilded Touya, only to be swept away a moment later by the shadows coursing over the two of them. Touya's longish hair flared and danced in the wind, but the other pro seemed unaffected by it all, continuing to stare out the window as if he were looking for something.

 

The darkness all around them belonged to a night that was silvery, mysterious…special. Hikaru couldn't remember ever feeling like this when he was out with his friends, or even Akari, someone he'd known all his life. It trembled slightly within him, like unbroken surface tension.

 

Who was this person beside him? They knew each other's bad habits, superficial preferences, mood swings and the like, but he had no idea of the finer points that made Touya…well, Touya. He had no idea what Touya was thinking most of the time, if ever. The thought pained him slightly, as if he were losing something, or as if something were slipping away from him.

 

Hikaru slowed the car and pulled off of the road. “We're here,” he murmured, finding it difficult to break the silence.

 

“It has been years since I've been to the beach,” Touya said quietly, as if in reply.

 

Hikaru glanced at him, startled, but the other boy was already getting out of the car. He followed suit, mind on the sound of the breakers as he slammed his door shut and turned to find Touya.

 

Touya was silhouetted by the moon, waiting for him.

 

He ran up the dune, not wanting to keep the other pro waiting. “Want to walk for a while? There are some rocks…” Hikaru trailed off, pointing down the beach.

 

Touya nodded, starting down onto the beach.

 

As he drew even with the other boy, Touya glanced at him, eyes very serious. “You're much quieter without your friends, Shindou. Much calmer.”

 

Hikaru shrugged, looking up at the gibbous moon. “Well, they're different people. And there is more than just that one side to me.”

 

“Hnn. Refreshing.”

 

He gave Touya a sharp look. “You don't like who I am? Is that it?”

 

Touya sighed. “It isn't that, Shindou. It just seems a little forced, sometimes. A little hyperactive.”

 

“Well sometimes you seem a little stiff. You're kinda forced, yourself, you know. How is it that you're the same age as I am, yet you act like you're 30? You know so many adult things, but nothing of how to be young or enjoy yourself.”

 

As they angled towards the rocks, Touya glared at him. “My father has high expectations and great plans for me. There's no time for playing. Besides, what is the point of playing? From what I saw tonight, it's only a painful waste of time.”

 

Hikaru felt the warmth of anger beginning, but tamped it down. “Your father, yes. If you actually played more often, you'd enjoy it! But if you don't know anything about how to play, of course you'll hate it. Besides, you hate anything that makes you uncomfortable or that can't be predicted! You hate anything you can't plan for, or learn how to do from reading a book.” He stopped when he realized that Touya had stopped walking.

 

Touya stood with his head down, fists clenched. “What about my father? And if you don't like me, Shindou, just say so. I don't want your pity, and I don't want pity to drive you to torment me with your moro-- your friends!”

 

Hikaru blinked a few times, then scowled. “Your father needs to lay off of you! You're a kid! Just a kid, even if you're a brilliant one. I do like you, Touya. That's the whole point of having fun together. You don't do it with people you don't like. And what was that about my friends? What were you going to call them?”

 

Touya looked up, aqua eyes flashing. “How can you claim that you like me?”

 

Hikaru shrugged. “I just do. You can be rude and arrogant, and you can be a real pain, but I just like you.”

 

The other boy tensed further, eyes narrowing. “There's nothing wrong with my father's expectations. I would hate to be like you, without any goals in life. I refuse to cast aside my goals by using the excuse that I'm just a teenager.” Touya's tone was as cold as ice.

 

Hikaru felt hurt burning in his chest. “Damn you, Touya! Why do you have to act like this! It seems that you're the one that doesn't like me. My goal in life is to reach the Hand of God - oh yes, and to be happy. Do you have a problem with that? Is that not enough to aspire to?”

 

Touya seemed taken aback, just standing there staring at him with wide eyes.

 

“Do you - do you really feel that way?” Hikaru whispered, tears burning his eyes and making his image of Touya blur beyond recognition.

 

“Shin…Shindou…” Touya took a step forward, reaching out his hand slightly as if uncertain of what to do. Looking apologetic.

 

Hikaru turned away. Why did it hurt so much? Why did the idea that Touya might hate him or the way he lived cut so deeply into his heart?

 

A tentative hand touched him between the shoulder blades. “Shindou…I apologize. I was just…angry about what you said.”

 

He tried to force the tears back. It was embarrassing to cry in front of the perfect, emotionless Touya Akira. One more thing that the other boy could mock him for…weakness, inability to control his emotions.

 

A hand closed around his wrist, pulling him around to face Touya. He tried to keep his face turned away, frantically wiping away the tears that had spilled loose.

 

“Shindou…I'm sorry. I was wrong to say that. I didn't mean it. Please…don't…don't cry—“

 

“I'm not crying!” he exclaimed violently, glaring at Touya through a haze of tears. The other boys eyes were gentle, pained. He couldn't recall ever getting a look like that from his friend before.

 

`Friend'. Who knew what that meant anymore.

 

Touya was still holding his wrist. The moon illuminated the other boy brightly, making his nearly feline beauty all the more apparent.

 

Damned perfect Touya.

 

“Not even Waya has ever said anything like that to me, Touya. I can't believe that you would.”

 

Akira winced. Being compared with Waya was one of the most insulting things he could think of, but it seemed he deserved it at this point.

 

Shindou looked incredibly vulnerable and exposed, his pain written so clearly on his face that even without tears it would have been obvious to anyone. He was looking at Akira as if he were a puppy that had been kicked by the person it trusted most in the world.

 

What a horrible, heavy, responsible feeling. He'd never been able to hurt anyone before. No one had ever cared that much about him. How could it be that Shindou was the one to give a damn?

 

He couldn't make himself let go of Shindou's wrist, not when the other boy looked as though he were considering drowning himself. He felt the urge to comfort this person standing before him, looking so crushed, but he didn't know how. All he knew was that seeing Shindou's pain was creating an answering pain in his chest.

 

“Shindou…why should my opinion matter this much to you?”

 

“Because you're supposed to be my best friend, you idiot!” the other boy snapped passionately. Shindou sniffed, glancing away again.

 

Touya looked down, and before he could think about it, he gave Shindou a quick, awkward hug. “Look, I apologize.”

 

Shindou stared at him as if he'd become an alien. Then the blond-banged boy smiled faintly, as if Akira had said something kind to him.

 

Akira stared down at Shindou's boots, fidgeting. Desperate to leave. Suddenly, it seemed very strange that they should be alone at the beach at night together. It made him want to go back home immediately.

 

As if Akira had said something, Shindou said, “Okay…okay, we'll go,” and turned back towards the car.

 

Akira signed, rubbing his face with one hand as he followed Shindou. He was tired, frustrated and uncomfortable. He couldn't remember the last time he'd felt this unpleasant, and yet…if he were given the choice, he'd still want to go out with Shindou tonight. No matter how unpleasant it had been, being with Shindou was worth it.

 

“We are best friends, Shindou,” Akira said quietly.

 

It seemed the other boy made some noise, but didn't offer a verbal answer, merely struggling on.

 

Akira noticed the tears in the pants again and closed his eyes for a moment. Yes, he was definitely exhausted. He never knew how to feel or what to think when he was with Shindou.

 

Since they'd met, confusion had slowly become a way of life for Akira. The only time he knew what he was doing was when he was sitting in front of the Go board. And when Shindou was across from him, playing him, he knew what to do with Shindou. To beat him, he was there to beat him. But once the board was gone, he had no idea what he was supposed to do.

 

He had no idea what to do with Shindou Hikaru.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hikaru absently ran the university entrance exam through his hands over and over again, tapping his foot against his desk in time to the music. His eyes stared vacantly ahead, but did not appear to see the computer screen in front of him.

 

He was thinking deeply, but not about what was on the computer screen. He wasn't even thinking about the entrance exam, which his mother had been begging him to take all week.

 

Hikaru was thinking about Touya Akira. It was Wednesday, and he had yet to hear from or see the other pro. He had religiously been to the Go salon every day, but Touya was never there. He had gone to the Go Institute. Touya wasn't there. In fact, no one had seen him at all.

 

It was almost as if Touya were deliberately avoiding him. But why? Even though their Saturday evening activities had been a little strenuous, they had seemed to part on neutral, if not positive terms. The ride back had been quiet and tense, true, but Touya had thanked him and promised to do it again.

 

So why…? If things continued like this, he would have to go to the other boy's house. His life felt empty every day that he failed to see Touya, oddly enough. He missed Waya and Isumi, but he didn't feel incomplete without them. How sad. Incomplete without a daily game of Go! He was getting to be just as bad as Touya with the Go, if he wasn't there already! Oh, the horror.

 

Hikaru shook his head, glancing down at the much folded and slightly crumpled entrance exam in his hands. Toryuu University was only a couple of hours away, but it seemed…wrong. It seemed foreign that he should even consider trying to juggle school as well as his career. Besides, hadn't he just gotten free of school? He wasn't exactly eager about the thought of going back.

 

Touya wouldn't be going to a university, or any other school. He would be devoting all of his time to his Go career. He could just hear the other pro now. “Shindou, don't you know that Go is more important than whatever silly thing you're studying for? Who am I supposed to play against?! Besides, what would you plan on doing with a degree in ______? Would you abandon Go?” He could even picture the betrayed look in those aqua eyes, as if he were being accused of leaving Touya.

 

Hikaru shook his head, closing his eyes tightly. The last thing he needed was to hear one more thing about what Touya thought of his goals and his life. He crumpled the exam violently and threw it at his Gackt poster, not bothering to pick it up after it bounced off and rolled across the floor.

 

He would not be left behind or looked down upon by Touya. He would show the other boy that he was truly his rival, there until the end. “I'm not letting someone else catch you, Touya,” Hikaru growled. “You're my rival.”

 

The thought that someone else might pass him by and catch Touya's eye, impressing the other pro, was beyond bearing. It made him angry and nauseous.

 

Yes, school was definitely out. He'd simply have to argue with his mother about it. He typically did whatever she wanted him to with his life, but not when it came to Go. That was his.

 

Hikaru tossed off his headphones, getting to his feet. One more time to the Go salon, just in case. It was only 2 P.M., and he knew that Touya had nothing better to do than hang out there…despite the fact that he had been conspicuously absent the last several days.

 

He pushed his yellow and black sneakers on, grabbed his wallet and ran down the stairs. Just as he reached the front door, his mother's voice rang out.

 

“Hikaru? Did you finish your paperwork?” She appeared from the kitchen, wiping her hands on a towel. “After all, you've done nothing since school ended.”

 

He bristled. “Mother, I've been studying GO. That's my career, though I know you don't understand. I'm not going to a university.”

 

“But Hikaru! What about your future—“

 

Hikaru scowled, clenching his fists. “He's not going, so I'm not going! I need every ounce of concentration and wit that I have to keep up with him, mother! Go is my life! I don't need or want anything else, and what would I do with a degree? I don't want it!” His voice had risen as he expressed his feelings.

 

His mother stared at him, looking disturbed. “Hikaru…I can only assume you mean Touya Akira. Have you ever thought that maybe he's simply too far above you…? What if you can't—“

 

“I have to!” He cried, looking away from her. Her words struck something deep within him, aggravating the wound already inflicted by Touya last weekend. Something constricted in his chest.

 

“But…I've never seen you so unhappy. Maybe you should give Go up—“

 

“I'm not losing!” he yelled, turning towards the door to escape her. “I'm not losing!” He slammed the door behind him, pelting across the lawn and down the sidewalk before she could try to stop him again.

 

What she had said echoed the fears he'd had for years. The nightmares he used to have that he'd never catch up to Touya. Now that he had caught up, it took everything he had simply to keep pace with the other boy. Without Go…there was nothing. No meaning at all.

 

If he could just play a game with Touya, everything would be fine.

 

He slowed down to a fast walk, glancing at the houses he passed. Everything was quiet, manicured and well maintained. It was sunny and beautiful out, a perfect summer day. He supposed he was fortunate, but somehow he felt anything but recently.

 

His normally upbeat, confident and energetic nature had begun dropping out on him at the strangest moments. Sometimes he felt…crushed. Helpless. Stupid. Usually when Touya Akira's aqua eyes were burning into him, measuring his worth, weighing every brain cell (or lack thereof), analyzing all of his faults, cataloguing his fashion faux pas. (Touya should talk!) He wanted to be everything that Touya expected him to be. He tried so hard.

 

It made him feel slightly desperate. Maybe more than slightly.

 

He stopped, realizing that he had already covered the distance to the Go salon. He slowly made his way into the salon, almost dragging his feet. As he lifted his head, he froze.

 

Touya was actually there, sitting alone at one of the tables with a cup of coffee and a palm pilot.

 

Hikaru felt the tightness in his chest ease, but then his throat seemed to close up on him. He began walking as swiftly as he could over to Touya's table, nearly tripping over himself and almost mowing down a small child that crossed his path. Oblivious, he bore down on the other boy, heart pounding.

 

Touya glanced up, as if sensing his approach, and stared at him for all of a heartbeat before getting up abruptly and making a beeline for the back room where only staff were allowed.

 

“Touya!” Hikaru cried, reaching out a hand as if that would stop the other pro.

 

Touya disappeared around the corner.

 

Hikaru ran to the back, making the same turn that Touya had, only to be confronted by a closed door that read `staff only'. Just as he reached for the knob, he heard the click of a bolt being thrown. He froze, hand hovering a breath from the knob, and stared disbelievingly.

 

He had not just been locked out! He contemplated yelling for Touya to open the door, or perhaps banging on the door with his fists until the other boy gave up and opened it, but realized that neither course of action would work on a Touya that did not want to see him.

 

Hikaru clenched his fists and turned away, feeling anger slowly building within him. He decided to leave before he did anything that he might regret or be embarrassed by later. To think…!

 

As he passed by the table Touya had been at, he saw the abandoned coffee cup and the palm pilot. Hikaru felt a smirk spread across his face as he reached for the palm pilot. As he looked at the screen, his smirk faded, replaced by a pained expression.

 

Touya had been reviewing their last game. He tapped the `next' button over and over again, realizing that every game they had every played had been carefully recreated and saved in Touya's palm pilot.

 

Hikaru slipped it into his pocket, glaring in Touya's general direction. “Ha…if you want your toy back, you'll have to talk to me, Touya.” As an afterthought, he picked up the coffee cup and drank the remaining liquid, grimacing at the lack of sugar. “That's just like you! Creamer, but no sugar!! Mislead everyone into thinking that your coffee doesn't taste bitter and crappy, you bastard!”

 

A passing patron glanced at him, giving him a disturbed look, and he quietly put the coffee cup back down, skulking back towards the front door. The woman at the desk whose name he could never remember smiled at him.

 

“Not playing Akira today, Shindou-kun?”

 

Hikaru gave her a huge, fake grin. “He ran off to the back! I guess he had something he had to do. Maybe some other time!”

 

She blinked, looking vaguely confused. “Would you like me to give him a message?”

 

Hikaru grinned evilly. “Actually…yes. Tell him that I have `it', if he asks about anything that he might have misplaced.”

 

As he left the shop, he couldn't help but feel slightly vindicated. At least he'd gotten something out of this trip.

 

But Touya was definitely avoiding him. He couldn't imagine what he'd done wrong. Was it because he had cried that night? Was it because of the goals issue? Was his mother right? Was he so far below the other pro that he didn't even warrant his friendship? His attention? A simple `hello'?

 

“Dammit!!” Hikaru exclaimed loudly, turning to kick a newspaper stand. Again, people seemed to find his behavior strange, and went out of their way to avoid being too close to him. He slapped his hand to his face, groaning. “It's all your fault, Touya…you moron!”

 

He had to call Waya. Waya would make it all better. Waya usually brought alchohol when things got this bad. Hikaru couldn't remember the last time he'd had an emergency like this, but he did recall that time several years ago when Waya was depressed about a fight with Isumi. True, it hadn't been Hikaru's emergency, but Waya's pain became…well, everyone's pain.

 

He grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket, hitting the speed dial number for Waya.