Hikaru No Go Fan Fiction ❯ The Pros and Cons of Daydreaming ❯ Here and now ( Chapter 3 )
[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]
By: lacygrey 
Anime/Manga: Hikaru No Go Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Romance | Type: Yaoi | Uploaded On: 10.22.2010 | Pages: 1 | Words: 1.4K | Visits: 539 | Status: Completed
Anime/Manga: Hikaru No Go Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Romance | Type: Yaoi | Uploaded On: 10.22.2010 | Pages: 1 | Words: 1.4K | Visits: 539 | Status: Completed
Touya went on without answering, drawing Hikaru's hand to his chest with his own as he said, “Above all on that island there was no Sai, because, you know, I thought…I very selfishly wanted you for myself. I wanted you to admire my game, my go, me.”
Sai again. “There was never any call for you to be jealous of Sai.”
“I didn't know who…what he was. And for a long time too, I didn't know that he wasn't around anymore.”
“How could you know?” Hikaru said. “I wish I'd told you sooner,…better.”
But Touya continued, “The life I imagined for us there was perfect. For a time the island made real life disappointments bearable. I would escape there often, just in my thoughts.” Hikaru felt his chest tighten. How was it that he had only seen Touya the go player, the rival? It was just plain weird, scary even, that Touya had kept such a secret for so long. How had he lived all that time keeping a part of himself so neatly under wraps? But, then again, hadn't Hikaru also indulged in fantasies about Touya - albeit much more recently.
Touya looked away from Hikaru, as if to look out the window, though it was more like he was just gazing into space. Then he sighed and pursued in a tiny voice, “But in the end, it seemed like I was going mad, with the difference between reality and fantasy getting wider and wider.”
Hikaru stopped him, kissing him, first on his forehead, then softly on the lips. Wasn't all this over now? He didn't want Touya to dwell on it. “Its not important now, is it?” Hikaru whispered. But he but saw in Touya's expression that there was more to come, that he had to let him finish.
“Then one night I had a bad dream about the island, a horrible nightmare. In the dream, I was alone on the island, alone with the palm trees and the hot spring and waterfall and stupid giant goban. All alone with no one to play with to or live with. I think in the dream you had escaped from the island without me or it might have been that you were dead.” A cold feeling spread over Hikaru, joined by a sickening sensation of guilt. The conversation had somehow become very serious, led to something that would change the meaning of things Hikaru remembered and he had an impulse to run away from it, push it away, deny it. But at the same time he had to know everything and this was something Touya needed to tell him. Hikaru willed the dark feeling to go away. He hugged Touya, wondering which of them he was trying to reassure most.
“I realised it had only been a paradise because we were there together. Alone, it all meant nothing. It was terrifying. I understood then that I really always had been alone in this fantasy, and that all along it was a poor substitute for real love and being loved. That was when I was seventeen. So, I told myself that I went out to the island's biggest beach, waded out into the water and just started swimming, swimming for shore, somewhere, anywhere, searching for something, for someone real.” There was almost the feeling of an apology to his words, which was absurd because Hikaru felt he should be the one apologising. “I think I had to do it, I had to grow beyond that or I would have gone crazy. I had to learn it was possible to live without that, without the hope of having you.” There was nothing bitter in Touya's voice. Touya had kept so much inside, but what could Hikaru say, when he'd kept the truth about Sai to himself for so long? They'd both played such a closely guarded game, both of them had been such utter idiots.
Touya stared at Hikaru with such a desolate expression it made him want to cry. “And that's why Ive been so long finding my way back, or even believing I could.” Hikaru urgently wanted to say something to make it better, make it not matter, do something to make up for all that wasted time. But, at a loss, he just held Touya close, so close that he could feel Touya's heart beating through their skin where they touched. He had to show him that, whatever else had happened, he was deeply glad they were together now.
For a long while they stayed like that in silence. Sure he'd learned something more about Touya, a lot more than he'd expected. It felt heavy and he badly wanted to feel normal again. There were still so many questions but it felt too much to handle now, too immense to add anything more. He focused on the changing light from the window, the weight of Touya's body against his own. There would be time for all that later. There would always be time.
Sai again. “There was never any call for you to be jealous of Sai.”
“I didn't know who…what he was. And for a long time too, I didn't know that he wasn't around anymore.”
“How could you know?” Hikaru said. “I wish I'd told you sooner,…better.”
But Touya continued, “The life I imagined for us there was perfect. For a time the island made real life disappointments bearable. I would escape there often, just in my thoughts.” Hikaru felt his chest tighten. How was it that he had only seen Touya the go player, the rival? It was just plain weird, scary even, that Touya had kept such a secret for so long. How had he lived all that time keeping a part of himself so neatly under wraps? But, then again, hadn't Hikaru also indulged in fantasies about Touya - albeit much more recently.
Touya looked away from Hikaru, as if to look out the window, though it was more like he was just gazing into space. Then he sighed and pursued in a tiny voice, “But in the end, it seemed like I was going mad, with the difference between reality and fantasy getting wider and wider.”
Hikaru stopped him, kissing him, first on his forehead, then softly on the lips. Wasn't all this over now? He didn't want Touya to dwell on it. “Its not important now, is it?” Hikaru whispered. But he but saw in Touya's expression that there was more to come, that he had to let him finish.
“Then one night I had a bad dream about the island, a horrible nightmare. In the dream, I was alone on the island, alone with the palm trees and the hot spring and waterfall and stupid giant goban. All alone with no one to play with to or live with. I think in the dream you had escaped from the island without me or it might have been that you were dead.” A cold feeling spread over Hikaru, joined by a sickening sensation of guilt. The conversation had somehow become very serious, led to something that would change the meaning of things Hikaru remembered and he had an impulse to run away from it, push it away, deny it. But at the same time he had to know everything and this was something Touya needed to tell him. Hikaru willed the dark feeling to go away. He hugged Touya, wondering which of them he was trying to reassure most.
“I realised it had only been a paradise because we were there together. Alone, it all meant nothing. It was terrifying. I understood then that I really always had been alone in this fantasy, and that all along it was a poor substitute for real love and being loved. That was when I was seventeen. So, I told myself that I went out to the island's biggest beach, waded out into the water and just started swimming, swimming for shore, somewhere, anywhere, searching for something, for someone real.” There was almost the feeling of an apology to his words, which was absurd because Hikaru felt he should be the one apologising. “I think I had to do it, I had to grow beyond that or I would have gone crazy. I had to learn it was possible to live without that, without the hope of having you.” There was nothing bitter in Touya's voice. Touya had kept so much inside, but what could Hikaru say, when he'd kept the truth about Sai to himself for so long? They'd both played such a closely guarded game, both of them had been such utter idiots.
Touya stared at Hikaru with such a desolate expression it made him want to cry. “And that's why Ive been so long finding my way back, or even believing I could.” Hikaru urgently wanted to say something to make it better, make it not matter, do something to make up for all that wasted time. But, at a loss, he just held Touya close, so close that he could feel Touya's heart beating through their skin where they touched. He had to show him that, whatever else had happened, he was deeply glad they were together now.
For a long while they stayed like that in silence. Sure he'd learned something more about Touya, a lot more than he'd expected. It felt heavy and he badly wanted to feel normal again. There were still so many questions but it felt too much to handle now, too immense to add anything more. He focused on the changing light from the window, the weight of Touya's body against his own. There would be time for all that later. There would always be time.
~~~
“And if, say, I went back to dressing like I used to” Hikaru suggested timidly.
“You'd look as silly as you ever did, its obvious.” He felt fingers reaching into his hair, others tracing his spine and coming to rest at his waist where they took a firm hold.
“You should let me take you clothes shopping someday.” Touya said. He smiled.
“Never,” Hikaru answered, laughing, Touya's ridiculous suggestion filling him with relief, his touch reawakening a need to press their bodies still closer…
Touya looked back at him with a hint of admiration, all traces of sadness fading from his face. “I think you're right,” he said with a simple nod.
But Hikaru didn't take his words in right away. He'd already rolled Touya onto his back, pushing his advantage. “You bet I'm right, Touya. But you'd never admit it…”
And wait, what did Touya just say? When he realised what he's just heard he started to grin with fierce delight. “Touya! Did you just say that I was right?”
“Only,” whispered Touya, “that I think for the moment, you should just stay exactly as you are.” He bent up to press his mouth firmly over Hikaru's, and they let the issue drop as they turned their attention to the pleasures of the here and now.
~~~
Still, as Hikaru reflected later, he needed to be sure to hide his new “Go Players Got the Stones to Do It” tee-shirt before Touya could lay his hands on it.
FIN
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Disclaimer: Hikaru no go is the property of Yumi Hotta and Takeshi Obata. This is a nonprofit-making fanfiction
Author Notes: Inspiration for part of this story came from a remark at www.hikarunogoworld.com on Hikaru's multitude of teeshirts. I want to thank my diligent beta ladyseishou for helping me to shape this fic, and particularly for giving me the go slogan!