His And Her Circumstances Fan Fiction ❯ Arima's musings ❯ Arima's musings ( Chapter 1 )

DISC: I do not own Kare Kano or it's characters. They belong to Masami Tsuda. If she wants me to pull this story, I will. I make no money from it.

 

 

 

Who am I really?

 

Who do I want to be?

 

I'm thinking about this now because it seems like for the first time in my life, my answers aren't built upon pain.

 

I can finally look at my life and allow myself to see all of it, and not want to hide. I'm learning to not hate my mother, but to feel sorry for her. Not in the way that lets her into my life, but so that I'm finally comfortable with keeping her out of it.

 

There's a part of her in me. That's how I can look at things and be selfish. But everyone has a bit of that in them. I just had to learn that it was okay. Just as long as I can be selfless, too.

 

My past. I've seemed selfless to so many people. But I'm not. I'm as selfish as my father.

 

Ten days I had with him. Starting with him pointing a gun at my face.

 

My father is crazy. But this I can say: he never lets anyone force him into doing something. He's follows where his heart leads him. It's not always the smartest way to live, but...

 

Ten days with him. I felt like I was finding out things about myself by finding out about him.

 

How can two people look so much alike?

 

And am I really so different? Do I want to be?

 

Miyazawa looked at him with such lust in her eyes. She said it was because she could see that I would look like that, "sexily mature," when I was his age.

 

When I knew she found him attractive, I literally wanted to kill him. I wanted her to look at me with eyes like that. Only me. I wanted to take her right there in the snow in front of the house.

 

I want to tie her up and keep her locked in my room, so that no one else can have her.

 

When I think like that, I know I'm still screwed up inside.

 

Who am I really, and who do I want to be?

 

Asaba says that everyone has that kind of selfishness in them. He says Miyazawa has that feeling for me, too. But, he says, you realize that you just can't have everything exactly the way that you want it, so you take what you have and treasure it.

 

When he says that, I wish I could...

 

He's right. I'd never try to keep Miyazawa away from the rest of the world. Then she wouldn't shine so brightly.

 

How the hell did I get so lucky to find her? She loves me. My god, she loves me.

 

I even tried to protect her and push her away, force her to leave me. My god, I... I raped her. She said that it wasn't rape. That she loves me, and that if she hadn't wanted me to touch her, it wouldn't have happened. But she said no and I kept on going.

 

I wanted to kill myself after that. I was to chicken to do it the real way. Instead, I hoped I'd slowly bleed to death, bleed through my hand. And instead, she cut her hand on broken glass, and pulled me to her and loved me and saved me.

 

How could anyone love ME like that?

 

How?

 

Asaba says I'm an idiot. And he thinks I'm just not getting what he means when he talks, when he tells me that everyone loves me.

 

I never had a friend like him before. He actually saw through me before Miyazawa did. And I let him in, because the hole in his heart mirrored my own.

 

It hurts sometimes to be around him. He gives so much. Asaba is the greatest friend anyone could have. And... he's still alone.

 

One time, we were drinking - I was in a cranky mood because Miyazawa was spending so much time with the girls - and he stayed over, and brought a big bottle of sake. And he thinks I don't remember, he thinks I was passed out and dreaming, but I remember. He looked down at me and said, I think his words were, "Souichiro Arima, you're my best friend ever. And it pisses me off. Cuz I'm so envious of you - but I can't be envious of you. You and Yukino are perfect together because you're... perfect." Then he leaned really close, and I felt his breath on my cheek. "If you two were one person, you'd be my perfect match - and then I wouldn't have to feel bad for loving you both."

 

He kissed me on the cheek. And then he laid down and went to sleep. I'm pretty sure he didn't hear me say, "Idiot."

 

I think if he'd kissed me on the lips, I would have kissed him back. Which is weird. Because I don't... you know... go that way. But... He's my best friend. I love him. If he'd been a girl, I don't know if I would choose Miyazawa or him.

 

I'm glad he's not a girl. He'd make a lousy girl. He doesn't have the softness in him like... God I could just...

 

Hm. I was glad to get back to see her. After those 10 days with...

 

What do I even call him? "Dad" doesn't seem right. "Father" is way too formal. I guess I'm stuck with "Reiji." After 10 days with Reiji, I felt more at peace with myself. Like some of the struggle had gone. Reiji isn't a bad person. He... gave me what he could in those 10 days. That's more than my mother ever gave me. I think he cares in his own messed up way. That thought, when it came to me, made me cry. Gave me closure and a sense of... I don't know. But he loves me as much as he can, I think.

 

And with Miyazawa by my side, I think that's enough.

 

Who am I? I'm loved, and lucky enough to have the best girl in the world. Who do I want to be? Someone strong enough to take care of her for a change. I want to give her enough love so that when we have kids, they'll always feel safe, cared for, and happy. God, I love her.

 

When I pulled her into my arms that night, and I kissed her, she told me that she missed me - and that I'd never been sexier than at that moment. I laughed.

 

Later, I tried to get her alone. I just wanted to make love to her and hold her for as long as I could. It felt like I'd be holding her under a clear sky instead of the grey that has always surrounded me. But she...

 

Her eyes were dark, like she wanted me, but she said that it might not be a good idea. Then she looked aside, like she does when she feels guilty about something. I asked what was wrong, and she smiled brightly at me and said, "Just hold me tonight, Souichiro, and tell me you love me, okay?"

 

I grabbed her by the shoulders and asked what was wrong? Didn't she love me anymore?

 

She laughed and said, "Souichiro, I love you so much, I think my heart can't hold it all. And I will love you `til the day I die - no matter what happens in the future. Do you love me?"

 

She looked up at me with her big eyes, and I said what was on my heart, "Yukino, I love you forever. I'd love you even if you cheated on me with Asaba."

 

Hugging me, she said, "I'm going to hold you to that. Except the Asaba part. Ewwwww."

 

Do you think she... she's hiding something. I can feel it. What is she keeping from me?