Hunter X Hunter Fan Fiction ❯ Love Me ❯ Love Me ( Chapter 1 )

Disclaimer: I only own the nameless man and the bodyguards that Illumi kills in this story. And they are filthy bastards in it self so you can have them anytime you want.

Note: Just wondering what would happen if Killua is stressed out. Here's what I came up with. Tell me if Illumi get too out of character. I just couldn't imagine what he'd do and I think that this is NOT something Illumi would do. But I really don't know and I was that desperate to get the plot to stop stomping around in my head. So…. Oh and also, this wasn't initially meant to be a birthday fic. But once I reread it I thought I just have to add a few spices to get it to be one. Please enjoy and R & R! Maybe I'll keep doing this for years to come.

Love Me

Illumi slashed a few men all at once thoughtlessly. They were nothing compared to an experienced assassin like him. He didn't even break a sweat after killing his way to the top floor, which was the next floor. He paused on his way to sense any remaining aura on the floor and to locate the fighter on the floor above him. There were better Nen users on the upper floor who were still unaware of his presence.

The raven-haired man pushed back an urge to roll his eyes. What kind of Nen users couldn't even sense the sudden disappearance of aura around them? Apparently he had overestimated them.

Normally he wouldn't take this kind of minor mission. He usually left it to his other siblings to finish it. After all, his target was only a rich fool with a few hundreds guards whereas only a few of them actually capable of using Nen. Even for Milluki, it'd only take half an hour. But he had his own reasons. For one, all other members of his family were `booked up'. Even Milluki was forced to leave the house to deal with one of those missions. Second reason, he needed to find a way to relief his frustration from Killua's sudden disappearance.

Yes, Killua had once again disappeared. He had for almost a year now. Leaving a trail of mystery to trace and solve. It had surprised his family when no device, no one could track his presence or give information about him. The last news they received was that Killua and his friends got a mission in Port York. But afterward, nothing was heard about this mission. It was as if Killua had merely disappeared into thin air.

And it frustrated him more than it did anyone else. It wasn't only the grief for the loss of an heir and a brother, not only the challenge it gave him that bruised his pride. It was the longing, the grief, the distress of losing someone he valued the most in his life that frustrated him. He felt sharp pain in his heart, something he had thought he wasn't capable of feeling anymore, every seconds he spent knowing that Killua wasn't anywhere he could see.

And today was special, too. Usually around this date he would be uncharacteristically found in the shopping area of the town he was in or, after Killua ran away, following Killua around closely. Because soon Killua would celebrate his birthday and despite his family and himself being unaccustomed to celebrations that normal people might had, this one day was always cherished more than any other. It was the heir's birthday. Even Illumi himself never had his birthday celebrated ever in his life.

When Killua was younger, he'd go to the town to buy him things he thought he'd like. The skateboard Killua used to take with him all the time was his gift, too. Other times he'd settle for just chocolate cakes and other chocolaty things. Then Killua grew older and things changed. Things changed because Illumi started to realize things like the fact that his brother was no longer a child who needed his protection, that Killua became strong -through his aid, of course, and that sooner or later Killua wouldn't need him. By every birthday Killua celebrated, Illumi felt fear started to overshadow his mind. He must let go and get hurt in the process. Hurt, pain… Being an assassin didn't prepare him to handle the pain of the heart, especially the pain caused by the leaving of a person he held dear to his frozen heart. So Illumi started to push Killua away, scaring him with Nen, watching Killua as he grew to hate him, hurting himself with watching as Killua started to disappear from his world….

There were times when he would allow himself to wonder what he could've said to prevent this from happening. Would things be different had he done it differently, had he showed a different side of himself to Killua, had he spoken what he truly wanted to say? Would Killua stay? Would Killua never leave the manor? Would Killua see him?

But now wasn't the right time to delve on regret. Illumi focused his attention back to his Nen-tracking, ignoring the sharp ache he felt in his chest at the memory of the silver-haired boy. He was just about to stop and proceed to the next floor when he felt it. His eyes widen slightly, his body tensed in its movements, his heart beat twice as hard and his mind whirled madly. “It couldn't be…”

He moved to the elevator as fast as he could, vaguely aware that he had unintentionally let loose some of his aura and made the guards above realized his presence in the building. But he could care less as he killed whoever got into his way. His mind was on the room behind the carved oak door the guards tried to protect.

He killed the last guard and threw the door open. Breathing harshly, his gaze scanned the room quickly. It rested on a view only a few feet before him

There sat his target in a comfortable looking sofa, blissfully unaware of his presence. And straddling the man's lap, wearing only white bathrobe that hung so low to expose his back and opened to reveal straining pale thighs framing the target's own meaty thighs, was Killua.

There was no mistake of what they were doing as Killua kept bouncing up and down on the man's lap. The sound of Killua's moan filled Illumi's ears. The boy's expression was pleasure filled as the man bite and suckled his pale neck, leaving purple marks in its wake. The man murmured obscene things like how sexy, tight and hot the boy felt and Killua would moan louder and arch his back to invite the man to do as he please to him.

Two hands blindly groped the silver haired boy through the cloth. Then one disappeared under the robe. Not a second later Killua threw back his head as he let out a loud cry and ground his hips firmly against the grinning old man beneath him, leaving Illumi to make a hazard guess as to what the man did.

Illumi was too stunned to think, let alone move. His veins pumped shock and hatred into his heart, letting the emotions flood his trembling body. Suddenly he found a pair of indigo eyes locked onto his black ones. He saw shock, pain, embarrassment and arousal there, as Killua gasped a `no'.

Finally his target was aware of the third presence in the room. It still took him a moment to react, too engulf in pleasure as he was. Once he regained enough wits and consciousness, he pushed the pale boy off his lap to the floor. Killua barely made a sound as he hit the cold tiles. The impact caused his robe to open and reveal his backside and fluids that ran down his thigh.

Illumi felt scorching pain in his heart at this sight. He turned to the man aiming a gun at him and the anger and grief expanded. Almost unconsciously, he threw a pin through the man's head. The blood that splattered all over the place was far from his usual practical style but at this point being practical was the last thing in his mind.

When he turned to the boy, Killua had stood and picked a fruit knife from a table. He pointed it at his brother with rather shaky hands. “Don't come closer.” He threatened weakly. Illumi couldn't help but notice various marks on the boy's chest and abdomen, which were now completely exposed. The raven-haired notice that some of those marks were from whips and burn marks from what he expected to be candles. He also noted that although weak, Killua was still able to emit some amount of aura and use it to strengthen his power on the knife. If he was still this strong, then why did he let…

“Please… don't… Aniki…” Killua pleaded softly as Illumi took a step forward. Illumi sensed desperation in his voice that served to make him wonder even more. Suddenly, Killua turned the knife so that it pointed on his own neck and stabbed.

Only Illumi's quick reflex enabled him to reach out in time to twist his brother's wrist so that the knife only lightly grazed Killua's neck before falling to the floor. Seeing that his brother tried to grab the weapon again, he hit the back of the boy's neck, rendering him unconscious. And for some times, all Illumi could do was to stand above his brother, confusion reducing him into immobility.

~*~

Illumi stared quietly at the still figure on his bed. The boy had been unconscious for a few hours now but Illumi knew better than to think that he had hit him too hard. The eldest Zaoldyeck child knew that amount of strength that usually broke a man's neck wouldn't do any permanent damage on Killua. There was something else that made his younger sibling remain unconscious for such length of time. Maybe Killua refused to wake up.

The raven-haired young man had brought his brother out of the building where his target resided to a downtown hotel he stayed in. It's rather difficult to carry his brother in such state without attracting any unwanted attention, but somehow he managed to do just that. He had put his brother in his bed and removed the flimsy white material that served as the only cover of the boy's body. It was then that he could inspect the marks he had spot earlier on the boy's body. His hand had trembled when he traced the scars, which in fact also covered his back and thighs, and it still trembled now as he sat staring at his unconscious brother.

Questions flooded his mind. Why did Killua do this? How did Killua become like this? Why did Killua let this happen to himself? Where were his friends? Why didn't they help him? Why didn't they save him?

As if he had spoken the questions aloud, Killua woke up. His unfocused gaze first locked onto the ceiling for some long moments and Illumi thought he saw tears in the seemingly empty eyes. Then slowly Killua looked around his environment until his eyes caught his brother's silent form. For a while Killua was silent, not responding to the sight then suddenly his eyes widened in horror and he sat up. “Aniki!” he gasped.

The boy looked around wildly and his gaze settled on a glass on the bedside drawer. Catching what the boy intended to do, Illumi stood up and reached for the glass but he wasn't fast enough this time. Killua smashed the glass to the drawer and took a sharp piece and slit his wrist with it. Blood stained the sheet as Illumi held the glass shard before it could do further damage, injuring his own hand in the process.

Illumi threw the piece of glass away, ignoring his brother's panic protest. “What do you think you're doing?” he asked lowly, dangerously.

“… Let me die… please, just let me…” Killua struggled to leave the bed but Illumi caught his arm and held him down. “… No…” the boy whimpered pitifully.

“Killua...”

“… No… Aniki…” the boy looked away as tears started to pour down his face. “Let me go… let me die… please…”he sobbed fitfully. “I… just want to die…” he whispered. Then all of a sudden he swayed and fell into Illumi's arms.

Illumi quickly inspected the slitted wrist and noticed that although the cut wasn't too long, it was deep enough to make the wound bleed a lot in a short time. In a rare moment of panic, Illumi grabbed the blanket and put it on Killua's wound to absorb the blood. He tied a piece of cloth he ripped from the sheet and watched in mortification as the fabric absorbed more and more blood. He felt a deep pain in his heart as he saw the wound had drained the color of Killua's body. Subconsciously, he held Killua's uninjured hand tightly to his chest.

“Don't die on me… don't die on me please.”

~*~

The first thing Killua saw when he opened his eyes the next day was his brother's sharp piercing gaze. He shuddered at the major change from the usually emotionless eyes into angry glare and looked away sharply.

“Killua.” He couldn't help but winced at the soft yet sharp call.

“I don't want to talk about it.” He muttered as he clutched the blood soaked blanket. He could feel tension between them. Partially from the Nen Illumi emitted to persuade him to talk and the emotion leaked from the older man.

“I don't want to remember.” He said, ignoring the piercing pain in his wrist and heart. The sight of the bloody fabric and the scent of blood always brought back a memory no matter how hard he tried to push it back to the corners of his mind and ignored it. A memory of bloodstained curtains and dead figures on the cold floor filled his mind. The sight of dead eyes locked onto his still breathing and living self, etched into his mind to haunt him forever with guilt and regret. The silver haired boy choked back a sob.

“What is it that you don't want to remember?” Illumi inquired gently, his eyes lost most of their sharpness.

Killua refused to answer that question although he knew that his brother was persistent enough to keep asking until he got an answer. He started when Illumi touched his cheek gently. The older Zaoldyeck's skin felt so cold, yet it was the warmest touch he got since almost a year.

“Killua…”

Warmth…. He wasn't supposed to feel this. He didn't deserve it anymore. Not after what he did. His chest tightened and he was forced to close his eyes least he would start to cry again. He didn't want this. He didn't deserve this. He didn't want to feel again.

The silver haired boy didn't realize he had spoken out loud until Illumi asked about it. Or was Illumi really able to read people's mind?

“What don't you want to remember? What don't you want to feel?”

“Everything.” Killua choked out.

Illumi took some times to digest the answer. What had scarred this boy so deeply that he lost all thought and dignity he lowered himself to being a man's personal whore? Illumi's eyes dropped to the scars covering Killua's once smooth skin and felt anger boiled in his heart. Why did Killua let this happen to himself?

“Even your friends?” he prodded.

“Especially them.” Killua answered softly. The eldest Zaoldyeck child noted that his eyes were downcast and sorrowful as he answered.

Seeing this, Illumi remembered a rumor he heard a few months ago about three unidentified bodies found in a certain mafia boss's building. He recalled the news came shortly after the sudden disappearance of his brother. And afterwards, Hisoka said that he could no longer track Gon. Putting this seemingly unconnected news together, he came down to one shocking conclusion. “Your friends… did they… die?”

Killua lowered his gaze to avoid his searching eyes. “…. Yes…”

“What happened to them?” Illumi asked after several moments of digesting Killua's answer. He wanted comfort his brother but he knew he couldn't handle being in close proximity with Killua in this fragile state. He knew his control would slip even more. He knew he shouldn't touch Killua so he settled with radiating as much comfort as possible with his Nen even if it pained him deep inside to be unable to touch Killua.

“… We failed the mission… I failed it….

“Had I taken the position as the decoy… had I killed the guards faster… had I came earlier… They wouldn't have…” The once proud boy broke into tears before finishing his words. “I should've warned them… I shouldn't have thought they could handle this… I shouldn't have….”

Illumi's eyes widened slightly when Killua broke down openly in front of him. Awkwardly he pulled Killua into his embrace. The boy didn't try to fight him and let Illumi held him close instead. The elder Zaoldyeck felt dampness on his chest and his throat clogged with unknown emotion. Slowly he lifted his hand to caress Killua's silver hair, relishing its softness and quickly losing himself in the warmth Killua's body still carried even at times like this. He swallowed the lump gathering in his throat.

It was what he had always wanted, what he always imagined during cold nights in his chamber, what he always thought of during his waking hours. This is how he wanted their first afterglow to be, Killua shuddering in his arms from the force of pleasure he introduced him to, his arms circling the lax body, his hands caressing flushed skin, his lips kissing the boy's. The man had taken the privilege from him, though; taking Killua, having Killua, touching Killua, kissing Killua before him. Having Killua in his arms like this pained him because it reminded him of what he had lost and could never have.

Something pierced through his heart at the reminder and just as poison, the pain spread through his body, centering in his heart. His long pressed emotion resurfaced and threatened to overflow and make itself known. This time, he knew for sure he wouldn't be able to push it back anymore as the hunger and longing for his brother's affection were too unbearable to hold back any longer. He instantly regretted the time he spent covering his emotion, masking his love with hatred and resentment, pretending to be jealous of his brother when he in fact longed for him… All those time, for nothing. As he stroke Killua's soft hair he also wept quietly with pain, regret, guilt and frustration, inside. Was it too late now to say `I love you'?

~*~

I took several days to make Killua speak about what had happened after the mission. It turned out that the mission went wrong as they had had wrong information about the number of guards protecting their target and caused his friends' death, leaving him the only survivor. Feeling guilty, Killua had wandered around the city in hope of avoiding anyone he knew and in search for death. When he tried to commit suicide, though, a man found him and saved him. The man, Illumi's previous target, was one of the biggest mafia and quickly captivated by Killua's youth and beauty and took him into his harem as one of his personal whores. Too tired to fight, Killua let him, thinking it's easier to not think and thus not remembered what had happened to his friends. He had been the man's favorite concubine for a year until Illumi found him in his assignment.

Now the boy thought he didn't deserve to live. Meeting Illumi had caused him a great shock as the elder Zaoldyeck reminded him of his past, and along with it, the memories of his friends. It made him all the more aware of who he was: a friend who caused his own friends' death, a failed Hunter, an heir to an elite assassin family who became a whore…

Illumi had to stay around all the time to make sure the boy didn't try to jump out the balcony or slit his wrist again. Though the boy weren't entirely stable and Illumi hadn't managed to really convince him that the death of his friends weren't his fault, but now Illumi was able to leave him to buy food. Illumi had also bought him clothes since the only thing the silver-haired teen had with him was the thin bathrobe Illumi had grown to despise. He tried to buy him something he used to wear, dark t-shirts and trousers. But the boy wouldn't touch them as they reminded him of his past. So now every time Illumi arrived in the hotel from somewhere, he would find Killua in the balcony, staring at the distance, wearing only the hotel's white bathrobe, which was almost identical as the one Killua, used to wear.

Today the eldest Zaoldyeck child found Killua in a similar state, sitting quietly on the balcony. Illumi put the food he bought for Killua on a table and went to join his brother.

“I bought food for you.” He informed the quiet boy. He stood next to Killua's chair. His gaze locked onto the horizon where his brother's eyes are glued.

Killua's slight nod didn't escape Illumi's attention. The older Zaoldyeck moved his eyes from the scenic view to the quiet boy beside him. The cheerfulness had gone, leaving only an empty shell in the form of his brother. This sight made his heart clenched tightly. Just as Killua felt guilty for his friends' death, he also felt guilty for letting Killua became like this. He knew he couldn't take back what he had done and said but he couldn't help but think how things would've been different had he taken different action. He couldn't help but imagine what would've happened had he showed Killua what he felt. Would Killua stayed in the manor instead of leaving with his friends? Would Killua stayed with him? Would Killua love him back?

He tore his eyes forcefully away from Killua's still form as he felt familiar pain reentered his heart. Hastily, he made a retreat into the hotel room, making the food as an excuse to leave. He just turned around when he heard Killua's voice called for him.

“It was this day… Last year… When that happened…” Killua murmured softly.

Illumi lowered his head in sympathy. Today… today was July 7th, Killua's birthday. So that's when it all took place. Vaguely he remembered being sent into another side of the world this date last year, the first Killua's birthday he wasn't around. Guilt gnawed his heart again. So many things… many things could be changed if only….

“My birthday…” Killua said blankly. “I should just die!”

Illumi looked up sharply.

“I let my friends die. I became a whore. I should die!” Killua said, his voice rose gradually as his emotion took over.

“Killua!” Illumi gasped as he pulled his brother to his feet and shook him none too gently.

“What is there to live for? My friends have all died!” Killua sobbed, fighting against his brother's grip on him.

“You have us, your family!”

“A family who won't want me again, won't love me anymore!” Killua yelled.

“That's not true!” Illumi snapped at him.

“It's true!” Killua persisted, still crying. “Would you want me after what you've seen?! Would you love me?!”

Overcame by rage, Illumi pulled Killua up with his grip on the boy's arms. Killua gasped as Illumi bent down and captured his lips with his own in a heated kiss, fueled by anger. Angrily, Illumi explored Killua's warm wet cavern. The boy tried to resist by pushing his chest but Illumi crushed the smaller body even closer to him.

Despite the struggle, Illumi could feel that Killua's body had responded to his advance. The older man roughly shoved a leg between the boy's so that the latter's arousal was pressed against his powerful thigh. Killua's struggles died down abruptly as he quite unwillingly rock his hips against Illumi's thigh.

Illumi felt burning in his loin as he rocked his own arousal languorously on the boy's flat fabric-covered abs. When he lifted his hand to cup his brother's cheek, he found moisture on the soft skin. Realizing that his brother was crying, Illumi broke the kiss.

“Inside.” He commanded a dazed Killua.

Without protesting, Killua went inside, leaving Illumi to gather his thought. Illumi turned to the view of the dying sun once Killua entered the room. It wasn't too late to leave and/or apologize to Killua now. He could tell him that he was carried away or something and that he hadn't got any for… ever. And he would miss the part that he'd actually been waiting and saving himself for the love of his own brother.

Or he could come in and continue to make love to Killua…

After a moment of indecision, Illumi followed Killua inside. If Killua were still willing to continue then he'd see where it's going and if Killua didn't, he'd apologized and leave. That might just be an excuse for his perversion, but he couldn't stop himself now. Not after tasting that piece of heaven.

His throat went dry when he entered the room and saw Killua. The boy had arranged himself sensually on the bed. His robe lied on the floor, leaving him bare for Illumi to see. The boy arranged so that he was half lying half sitting with his legs spread and one of them, the one away from Illumi, bent to show the hidden pink ring of flesh. One of his hands rested almost demurely above silvery curls of hair that framed his red weeping erection. The boy's face flushed though Illumi couldn't tell whether it's from his arousal, embarrassment or a mixture of both.

Illumi swallowed to wet his throat but it dried seconds later. His own arousal twitched at the sight of Killua's. He knew he'd be doomed for this, but he also knew he couldn't leave either.

Slowly, Illumi took off his shirt and threw it carelessly to join Killua's robe. Then he climbed onto the bed to join his brother. When he settled between Killua's legs, he realized his lack of knowledge and experience in this department and frowned minutely. A soft caress on his hair woke him out of his stupor.

“Did he teach you to be like this?” Illumi asked softly, trying to ignore the fear and sadness in Killua's eyes.

“I learnt to be like this.” Killua answered breathlessly.

Illumi paused to look at Killua just a moment longer, then he slowly lowered himself to start their second kiss. The kiss was gentler this time. Illumi stroke Killua's tongue with his, tasting his mouth as their saliva mingled. His finger sought and found every erogenous spot on Killua's body. He tweaked Killua's nipples, caressed his hip, teased along his spine, drawing whimpers and moans from the boy that he greedily swallowed.

Finally Illumi reached a hand between their tangled bodies to stroke Killua's cock. The silver-haired boy cried out into his mouth as Illumi teased the weeping flesh mercilessly by pumping irregularly and occasionally pushing the foreskin back to dip his fingertip into the weeping slit. His other hand rolled and pinched the boy's sensitive nipples, causing him to arch his back into his hand. Illumi tore their lips apart to trace Killua's earlobe lovingly.

Killua groaned at the onslaught of pleasure. His body flushed brighter and the weight on his sacks became heavier. Killua wrapped his arms around Illumi's neck as he jerked his hips towards completion.

“Illumi, please!” He cried, unable to bear the almost painful pleasure any longer.

Illumi paused, hesitating, unsure whether to continue or not. But Killua's hands on his trousers made the decision for him. The boy's hands undid his trousers easily and pushed them down. The last obstruction gone -since Illumi hadn't been wearing undergarment beneath the tight trousers that day, they molded again. Illumi lifted Killua's hips to rub his painfully hard arousal against the boy's waiting entrance. Killua bucked and screamed, clutching the sheet helplessly as Illumi tortured him with pleasure. He made encouraging noises as Illumi continued to slide his arousal up and down his opening. Then Illumi bent down to whisper in his ear.

“You deserve this.” He rasped out. “You deserve happiness.”

Killua swallowed a moan before answering. “My…”

“Your friend would want you to be happy. Your family would, too.”

“No…” Killua argued in a moan.

“Yes.” Illumi pecked a quick kiss on Killua's lips. He wet his fingers with Killua's pre-cum and his own, pulled away and reached down to the tiny opening between Killua's tense buttocks and pushed a finger inside. Killua cried out but it was out of surprise and not pain because the muscle around Illumi's digit quickly loosened, enabling him to move it.

“Oh, Killua…” Illumi groaned, feeling the tightness around his finger alone was enough to drive him mad with lust. He wanted to just ram into Killua without a single care. A nagging voice in the back of his mind said that Killua wouldn't mind, that he was used to it.

“Illumi… Illumi please… Now…” Killua pleaded, wriggling his bottom as another finger invaded him and brushed that little bundle of nerves inside of him. He was rapidly losing control, his member leaked heavily and Illumi's desperate kisses didn't help him any.

Though he was rather hesitant at first, but the sight of Killua begging for it was enough to make Illumi spread his pre-cum on his shaft and pushed in. The tight hot channel made him loose his mind sooner than expected. Killua writhed beneath him, demanding him to enter him deeper because Illumi was only able to push partway before stopping.

Illumi gripped Killua's hand as he pushed farther in. Their sweaty hairs tangled as Illumi bent down to catch Killua's lips in a kiss once he was already fully inside.

“Gods… Killua… I love you… I love you….” Illumi sighed. The tight vice sent his mind reeling. He didn't know whether it's because of his lack of experience or not, but Killua's body felt like a tight, hot, velvety paradise. Then he started to move, snapping his hips to meet his lover's demand. He started slowly at first, still trying to gain control of himself as Killua's anal muscle gripped his cock tightly, pulling him in. But his lust soon get the better of him and the sight of Killua's writhing and moaning form urged him to move faster, driving almost violently into his brother. He knew he couldn't last long at this rate, so he bent down to whisper heatedly into Killua's ear. “Killua… Love… Pleasure yourself…”

Without a single moment of hesitation, Killua wrapped his finger on his rigid cock and pumped. Again, the sight of Killua in pleasure made it impossible for Illumi to maintain his control. Killua then ran a hand down Illumi's chest and abdomen to savor the sweaty pale skin. Illumi groaned as their movements got faster and bent down to kiss Killua again as they came together. Killua's seed splattered against his sweaty stomach and chest as he filled his lover with his love.

Illumi lied heavily on top of Killua, unable to move after his mind blowing first orgasm with a real partner. After catching their breath, dread return to Illumi once he realized that Killua was crying silently on his shoulder.

“Killua…”

The boy shook his head to show that he didn't want Illumi to say anything. Softly, Killua asked, “… what you said… did you mean it…?” Then he turned to look at Illumi expectantly. “Do you love me?”

Realizing what Killua wanted to know, Illumi hesitated in answering but then decided to tell the truth. “I do… So much… More than you ever know… So I'm sorry… so sorry…”

“Why?” Killua asked, his almost happy expression dropping into despair.

“I shouldn't have…. “

“No!” Killua cried, wrapping his arms around Illumi to prevent him from leaving. “An-Illumi… please…”

Feeling that Killua was crying again, Illumi awkwardly stroke the tangled silver mane. What did you do if your brother to whom you just made love cried?

“You love me… You love me, don't you?” Killua asked. “Please say you love me…”

Illumi swallowed, confused and hopeful at the same time. “I do.”

Illumi expected to be pushed away or to be told that Killua appreciate his effort to give him a reason to live but that Killua didn't love him in that way. Least to say Illumi was surprised to hear the choked laugh. The arms around him wound him tighter and closer to Killua. That wasn't what he imagined would be the beginning of a rejection.

“Thank you…”

Hearing this, Illumi pushed himself away a bit so that he could look into Killua's face. The small genuine smile made his heart swelled almost painfully. Did this mean that Killua loved him too?

“I've always wanted… hoped… I even pray in my birthdays… But you never seemed to care…” Killua tried to explain in a choked voice. “I always hoped that my aniki… that you will love me….”

“Killua….”

“I love you, Illumi… It's wrong, I know… I thought you hated me. So I tried to leave…. But I can never run away… I love you… I love you, Illumi… Please, love me…”

Illumi let action answered this request. He hugged Killua tightly, kissing his face and lastly his lips. Killua cried again, but this time it was happy tears. He caressed Illumi's face, happy that this beautiful man was now his, happy that after everything that he'd been through there was still someone for him, someone to love him.

“Happy birthday… and I love you… my Killua… I love you…”

O~WA~RI

Finished in 070706, right after the author arrived home from a three-day trip to another world. Mistakes could be blamed to the author's lack of sleep and busy university life. But anyway, happy birthday, Killua-chama. It might not make a good birthday fic after all. It's too dark and not happy and not hot and whatever else. But I'd appreciate it if you'd leave me a review or two… even just to say hi. Just so that my lack of sleep for writing this seemed worth while… Plizzzzzzzz……ZZzzzzzz…………(author fell asleep on the keyboard)