Hunter X Hunter Fan Fiction ❯ Never Alone ❯ Never Alone ( Chapter 1 )

Title: Never Alone

Disclaimer: Well you've seen what I could do to Illumi and Killua. Can I have them now?

Warning: Yaoi, incest, masturbation.

Rating: R/NC-17

Pairing: Illumi x Killua

Note: If some of the conversation in the end of the story doesn't make sense for you or has weird grammatical error, pay attention to the words in italic letters.

It was dark. As everything in his life, it was dark. The eyes tearing into his soul, the long hair veiling them from the whole world, the ceiling he moaned to, the room witnessing their sin.

He clutched clean white linen he hated so much helplessly. It reminded him too much of who they were, what they did, the sin they committed. He moaned and turned his head to the side to watch the darkness they belonged to.

There was a moment of numbing pleasure that last forever and not long enough. All motions ceased and he closed his eyes at sheer intensity of sin. And for a brief moment he almost believed he was not, never, alone and there was no world, no one else to judge him, no sin.

But then slowly but surely, his senses returned. He was now aware of the heavy weight covering his body, light panting on his neck, essence of their sin inside of him, and somehow the feeling of skin-to-skin contact made him sick.

He heard a soft hiss as the person above him lift off of him and he was empty once again. Alone, as they should be. Suddenly there was a pause of all movements, sounds, and even breathing as he was being exposed, consumed, ravished inside by ferocious dark eyes and he couldn't hide himself behind the usual wall of cheerfulness or vanity. He suddenly felt very vulnerable.

“Stop.” He said weakly, without looking at the person above him.

No answer came but he knew fully well that he heard that because soon he stopped staring at him and got up to get dress. There was another one of the stare as the person walked away from him. Leaving him in the dark room. Alone.

~~*&*~~

“Killua!” a spiky haired boy in front of him called. He smiled at the sight of his friend running happily like a kid. He knew without looking that the other two behind him did the same. “Hayaku!”

Here, in broad daylight, among his friends, with his friends, world could be described as pure, simple, beautiful, naïve… white. Here he must pretend, hide behind a mask called happiness. Darkness came from light, but darkness couldn't meld with it, it could only pretend. He realized that despite being in the middle of a crowd, he truly was alone.

“Doushita, Gon?” he asked upon seeing his friend stop so suddenly. He looked past his friend's shoulder then widened his eyes as his heart beat in a rhythm of fear.

Stood before them was his brother, Illumi. Clad in black shirt, a light brown suit, and khaki trouser he looked almost ordinary. Unconsciously Killua stepped back. Even without his Nen, Illumi could be very intimidating, but that was not the case. He shifted his gaze to Gon. Was he going to try to kill Gon? Or maybe he would tell them about what happened every night when he slipped out of his hotel room to meet Illumi secretly to spend the night together in a hotel, having sex? Either way, he wouldn't risk…

“Good morning.” Illumi greeted them politely. His eyes locked onto Killua's for some breathtaking moments.

“What do you want?” Gon asked cautiously. Their two friends quickly caught up with them and stood beside Killua, ready to protect him from any trick Illumi might have up his sleeve. Killua felt slightly warmed inside knowing he had so much meaning for his friends. For a moment he had illusions of him really being a part of his friends without having to pretend. The illusions quickly dissipated at the sight of his brother. Darkness never belonged to the light.

“I'd like to take my brother somewhere, please.” Illumi said, nonplussed by the unfriendly tone and spiteful glares clearly directed to him.

“No!” Gon yelled, causing people around them to look at them curiously. They ignored them, too engrossed at the prospect of losing their friend again as they were. “Killua is not going anywhere with you!”

There was a faint hint of amusement in Illumi's eyes and he looked at Killua rather curiously. Killua averted his gaze downwards in shame and fear. So the boy and most probably all his friends here didn't know about Killua's almost nightly visit to him.

“I don't intend to bring him home. I only wish for him to join me for lunch and dinner.”

Seeing that his friends were clearly unconvinced, Killua decided to take matters into his own hands. He knew once Illumi wanted something he would do anything to have it, at any cost.

“It's okay, Gon.” He said, startling his friends. “I'll go with you.” He looked at Illumi square in the eyes, and saw amusement as well as relief there. Wait. Relief?

“But, Killua-kun…” Kurapica started.

“Have you gone nuts?!” that was Leorio.

“Killua…” Gon said in astonishment.

“It'll be all right. Ja ne.” He waved at them and followed Illumi who had been walking a fair distance away.

He ignored their calls and walked beside Illumi quietly. He had thousands questions he wanted to ask but he kept his silence in fear of his brother's anger. The silence was unsettling and he felt as if he was watched so intently like last night although Illumi had his eyes fixed forward.

He knew something was different. Illumi wouldn't normally asked to join him for lunch or anything and the relief he saw earlier in Illumi's eyes was just weird. He wanted to ask about the drastic change in Illumi's behavior but held his tongue in fear of punishment of any form that he knew Illumi was capable of.

“Which do you like?” the question shook him out of his train of though and he realized they stood in front of an ice cream stall in a park.

Too shocked to answer, he could only gaped at Illumi who didn't bother to wait for his answer and bought a chocolate one and gave it to him. Then they found an unoccupied bench on a cliff where they could watch the city below and sat there in silence.

Killua decided not to ask about Illumi's strange behavior and started to lick his ice cream. He almost forgot Illumi's presence when suddenly Illumi casually combed Killua's hair with his finger, causing the boy to choke. He stared at Illumi in shock and Illumi answered his unasked question.

“Just enjoy it.”

Killua opened his mouth to ask but decided to drop the matter and just continued to lick his melting ice cream. The silence last long after he finished his ice cream and they just sat quietly, watching the beautiful scenery before them.

Killua was most surprised when he realized that he didn't find his brother's presence disturbing or intimidating at all. Somehow he felt comfortable like this, just sitting silently beside Illumi, staring at nothing and saying nothing instead of having a wild passionate sex in some anonymous hotel all day long no matter how physically enjoyable it was. It's just that the 'just sex' concept drained him, literally and emotionally. Every time Illumi touched him he felt empty, meaningless, he felt like he was just a sex toy to sate his brother's lust.

But now, at this quiet moment he could feel something different. This peace gave him a sense of happiness, contentment and, well, peace. He didn't feel so lonely anymore despite the lack of conversation. Just silence have more profound meaning than a wild tumble on bed with the one he considered understood who he really was as they were the same.

“Let's go.” Illumi suddenly said, already standing. Killua found himself missing the feel of his hand on him.

“To where?”

“To have that lunch.” Illumi said, walking away.

“Where?” Killua asked again, running to follow him.

“You'll see.”

~~*&*~~

The place Illumi brought him to; turned out to be a small restaurant in a secluded beach. And as if that day's surprise was not enough even with the fact that Illumi had a very luxurious car he parked near the park the went to earlier, Illumi turned out to be a regular customer of the small restaurant.

“You come here often?”

“Aa. It's quiet here.” He said referring to the secluded location and obvious lack of people who know this place existence. In fact they were the only ones in the small restaurant.

“How do you know this place?”

“I passed this place when I was on plane for a business.”

Killua knew that the `business' referred to an assassination mission and dropped the issue. He turned to look at the shore, the azure sky above, the waves crashing to the shore, the beauty presented to him by the man in front of him.

Suddenly a light frown graced his face. Did he deserve this, to be a part of this perfection, tainted as he was? But does it matter how imperfect he was in this vast world for he knew nothing was perfect? He remembered his friends and how they accepted the fact that he was once an assassin and realized that not everyone could see him that way once they know about his past. And despite whatever he said to his friends, whatever he did with them there was something that separated him from their world, a line he knew he couldn't cross. He was different from them and would never be like them. He had his own world, world of darkness. He was the residence of the darkness.

He was pondering on these thoughts he didn't notice anything else around him anymore. He started at the touch of cold fingers in his pale cheek. His expressive indigo eyes shifted to meet blank ones.

“Doushita?”

Killua shook his head negatively. “Nothing. I just thought of Gon. He'll love this place. He likes to fish.” He added in explanation.

“And you?”

“Huh?”

“What do you like?”

To be with you. Just like this. “I don't know.” He shrugged.

“Do you like it?”

“What?”

“To be with him. Fishing.”

He shrugged indifferently. “It's better than nothing.”

“What else do you do? Beside fishing.”

“A lot. Why do you want to know, anyway?” Killua glared at Illumi dubiously.

“I'm merely curious.” Illumi answered calmly.

Killua continued to glare at his elder brother. After a moment of silent glaring session Illumi asked him quietly. “Why do you doubt me?”

Killua ducked his head, not answering. Then a simple statement broke the silence, both between them and the one in his mind.

“Trust me.”

Killua looked up in surprise. Trust? He looked at his brother in confusion of the foreign concept Illumi wanted him to believe.

“Or am I that hard to trust?”

“No!” Killua half yelled. “It's just that… you've never seemed to care about my life, my friends and all… except when you planned to kill them or something.”

Killua thought he saw the corners of Illumi's lips curled upwards. “Not this time. Trust me”

~~*&*~~

Later that night, lying entwined on a large bed in a dark room, listening to the wave outside and a romantic song in the background, Killua recalled what had happened today. He never thought that Illumi would be a good listener to his ranting about his adventures with his friends. He even gave a polite comment or two about his friends' behavior, not once mentioning how bad they would influence Killua like the latter expect.

Following the lunch was a walk on the shore and fishing. It seemed like Illumi wasn't so fond of fishing and preferred watching Killua instead, so they spent some moments in silent again then, only speaking to give comment about the lack of tourists, scenery, weather, fishes, or his life. And then there was another quiet moment as they walked around the shore again, hand in hand, watching the setting sun.

Then Illumi took him to a fancy restaurant downtown where he had reserved a table for them. After dinner they went back to the beach, or to be more precise, a small house on the beach apparently rented by the owner of the restaurant they came to that afternoon. In the master bedroom of the house were candles and rose petals of every color that scattered everywhere. Then there were sweet scent of incense burning and soft melody of a love song that accompanies soft grunts, groans, gasps, moans of pleasure as Illumi take him slowly, gently that night. Killua found himself teetering over the edge so many times that night only to have Illumi slowed down and prolong their act. When they came together that night it was one single most intense feeling Killua had ever felt. But now, after the haze of passion died, Killua couldn't help but to ponder over that day's events.

Why did Illumi do all these? What for?

“You're not asleep?” came Illumi's rather throaty voice from above him.

“No.” he answered, nuzzling his brother's neck. He felt Illumi tensed under his touch.

“You've never done that before.” He whispered quietly.

The statement rang something in Killua's head and he couldn't hold back his curiosity. After a long moment of stillness, Killua looked up and asked a question he wanted to ask all day long. “Why?”

“Why all these?”

“What?” Illumi asked softly, stroking Killua's side.

“Lunch, dinner, holding hands,” the silver-haired boy blushed. “These candles, and roses, and music… and… that…”

“What?” Illumi asked again. His heartbeat steady under Killua's palm.

“You… you've never been… that gentle to me before.”

“Hn.”

“Dammit, Aniki! What do you really mean?” Killua asked angrily, pushing himself away from his brother's comforting embrace but found that he was unable to do so with Illumi's arm wound around him tightly.

“I think you know the answer to that question better than I do.” He said with a straight face even as he started to stroke Killua's thigh gently.

Killua gasp at the sensation Illumi caused to his newly satiated body but kept asking the question anyway. “Aniki.” He hissed in both anger and lust.

Finally Illumi sighed softly in defeat. His gaze burnt Killua's body in more ways than one. “Last night” he said without ceasing his stroking. ”when we were together, you cried.” Killua opened his mouth to protest. He never cried! Never in front of his brother! But Illumi interrupted whatever he tried to say. ”You never looked at me in the eyes and that night when you looked away, you cried.”

“And today. When you were with your friends. You were separated from them. Alone. Thinking. What were you thinking then Killua?” He asked gently.

It took almost all his will to respond as Illumi's hand wormed higher to stroke the expanse of flesh between his navel and his reawakening erection.

“What are you trying to say Aniki?” he gasped.

Illumi kept his silence, his eyes boring holes to Killua's lust dilated eyes. He felt the responding twitch on his groin but choose to ignore it. He continued his torture on Killua's body, watching how the boy struggled to keep at least a part of his mind clear.

What did you feel then? What did you feel when I touch you like this? What did you feel when you were with your friends today? Illumi asked without words. But the questions were clear enough for Killua.

Alone. Killua answered wordlessly as he gasped for breath. His hips moved in a rhythm that matched Illumi's hand's under the blanket covering them. “We don't belong to the light.” He answered out loud. Then his eyes shone with hatred and sadness. Just like what you said to me before.

Illumi smiled grimly inside. “Perhaps that's right.” But you stayed with them. You keep pretending to be like them. What do you feel when you do that Killua?

That I don't belong with them. “Darkness won't belong to the light.” He repeated. His hands trembled on Illumi's chest. But I don't belong with you either. “Alone.” He finally said loudly.

“No.” the elder one whispered to his ear while tracing his earlobe with his tongue. Whether he referred to Killua's hand that dipped into the blanket to give the same treatment to his neglected cock or what he said earlier, Killua didn't know.

You were never alone. “Never.” He whispered as he lifted Killua to straddle him. “Look at me.” He said clearly. His hand moved in a steady rhythm on Killua's heated flesh, his eyes locked onto Killua's to watch any crossing expression on the boy's face.

The boy's face contracted into an expression of pleasure stamped with a little determination to prove his brother that he was not weak. “Yes.” He hissed as Illumi ran his thumb across the tip of his hardness. Alone. As I always be. He looked challengingly at his brother, daring him to argue.

You never were. “Killua…” Illumi groaned softly as Killua teased him by rubbing his ass against Illumi's straining erection. He ravished Killua's mouth when the boy bent his head to invite a kiss. Their tongue dueling in a wet fashion and saliva ran down the corner of his lips. But even as they kissed they still had their silent argument.

I am. A loud moan swallowed into the depth of Illumi's mouth.

Can't you see? Another hand snaked its way to the cleft of Killua's bottom, teasing the sore ring of flesh the hand quickly found. I'm here. “Look at me.” Illumi half growled as he tore their lips apart, making Killua opened his half closed eyes. I'm always here.

No.

Always.

No.

All movements ceased and they just stared at each other while panting harshly. Killua squirmed lightly then asked again. “Why?”

“Because.” Illumi didn't finish his sentence. I know you. I understand you.

No one could.

Like no one else could.

They stared a little bit more. “I won't belong to the light.” Killua stopped, then continued again. “ But I won't belong to the darkness again, either.”

“None of us could ever do.” Illumi said. “We could only pretend we do.” Haven't you understand? We're just the same.

“You're not.” You always belong somewhere. You always belong to the dark, not worrying about the light.

“I do.” I'm always watching you. Trying to melt into the light as I do so. He recalled following Killua, watching the boy from the crowd.

“No.” Killua said weakly. Confusion, fears, and mistrust in his face. He gasped when Illumi resumed the stroking on his shaft and teasing near his entrance. I'm always alone. He closed his eyes in pleasure and moaned loudly.

“Open your eyes. Look at me.” Illumi inquired gently. He watched as Killua opened his eyes and looked at him. The silver-haired boy almost closed his eyes again though, when Illumi pushed one finger into the tight ring of muscle. Killua kept their eye contact and only whimper softly as he rolled his hips to get the intruding finger to touch the spot in him that made him see stars. Look at me. I'm here. With you. Right now. Forever.

I was always alone. Killua moaned as Illumi's finger rubbed his prostate carefully.

Maybe you were. “Touch yourself.” But now I'm here. “And keep your eyes open.” I won't disappear.

Killua swallowed his moans and rolled his nipple with his fingers, his other hand replace Illumi's retreating one on his shaft. “No?” He asked in between his gasps.

Illumi let his lips quirked upward into a microscopic smile and caressed Killua's cheek. “No.” Touch me. I will still be here.

“With me.” Killua gasp, a hint of amazement in his voice. Not alone.

Never again. He gasped when Killua sucked his finger, imitating the rhythm he wished he were pounding into Killua right now. He watched intently as Killua reached completion moments later, something he had almost never seen. Killua looked so beautiful then, head thrown back, eyes closed tightly, mouth open in silent moan and skin almost glowing from the candle lights and moonlight from the window when he was lost in the blissful sensation of orgasm that he quickly forgave him for closing his eyes and not looking at him. He waited until Killua opened his eyes before pulling him for a kiss.

You're still here.

I'm still here.

“We will never belong to the light, but we don't belong to the dark, either.” We only have ourselves. “But we're not alone. Never alone.”

Killua smiled then rested his forehead onto Illumi's. His silver hair tangled with Illumi raven hair as Illumi switch their position.

The way the dark strands and the almost-white strands contrasted against each other on the white linen that almost glow in the dark room escaped their attention.

O~WA~RI

I have a lot to say but we'll start with the `Residence of the Darkness'. I remember Netero called Killua like that in the Ova and it seemed fitting here. And where the flower and candles come from, you ask? Well it's the owner. Illumi had ordered them to do so. The park scene is a bit pathetic, I know. Sorry but I really am not into romantic scenes, so… And the title sucks. I don't really like it myself and still think that maybe a title with the word `darkness' somewhere along the line would be more fitting though I still couldn't come up with one. Well that's the fiction I wrote last year and finished in early 2005. R&R minna-san!!!!!!!!