InuYasha Fan Fiction / Ranma 1/2 Fan Fiction / Urusei Yatsura Fan Fiction ❯ The Official Fanfiction University of Rumiko Takahashi! ❯ "Kikyo and Kagome wielding a flamethrower! Run!" ( Chapter 18 )

Chapter 18

Cait and her friends were walking, tired, back from class. They had just been at Wilderness Orienteering, taught by the least orienteer-friendly person in the world, Ryoga. After two hours of looking for the class, which was following him, the only up side about it was that he had also lost the homework.

Swimsuit designing had gone fairly well; Cait's design had gotten a good mark from Lum. At least they only had to design the suits instead of wear them. Cait reminded herself of their last Lingerie modeling class - Happosai had tried, once again unsuccessfully, to get all the girls to try on his personal collection of see-through panties. After booting him out the window, they had left early, as usual.

"Fire for amateurs," taught by none other than Lum's cousin, Ten, had been, at least, amusing. Although ninety percent of the class time was devoted to guys asking Ten for Lum's number, Cait had already mastered the lighter, and Ten said she was ready to move on to the flamethrower.

Now it was Lunch, and Cait was sitting with her friends at their usual table.

"As I was saying," Yuriko munched on her sandwich while addressing their small group. "I just can't wait for Sesshoumaru's class!" She had been obsessing over the mere though of having his class the next night.

"I think today's Self insertion/Mary sue class sounds interesting." RandomPirate commented. "I've heard they're going to put each writer in the place of their Mary Sues and..."

Cait wasn't paying attention to their conversation. She was too tired to do anything. Akane had made her get up at FIVE AM to help make breakfast. Considering that Cait had been up until 1 memorizing the correct spelling of every single character/monster/thing for Kaede's class, Cait was looking at four hours of sleep to get her through the day. But today she wasn't going to sleep through classes, Kikyo's punishment had taught her well. That didn't mean she couldn't sleep through lunch though...

Cait's head rested down on her hefty "Spell-Check for dummies and badfic writers" text book and she fell asleep.

Cait woke up much later, and was greeted by an empty cafeteria. Realizing her friends had left without her, Cait got up swiftly, gathering her books and rushing off to class. "Damn them..." she muttered to herself. "Now I'm going to be late for Poetry... with Kuno!" She shuddered as she raced through the halls, until she got to the room, and opened the door as quietly as possible, hoping to sneak in.

"Ms. Wilson! You are just in time for our demonstration! Though twenty minutes late, still..."

Tatewaki Kuno was standing in the front of the room, along with several students. Cait gulped loudly when she saw them. They were dressed in ridiculous costumes, with signs around their necks to specify what they were supposed to be. One was "A Handsome Kendo Artist." Another was "An Evil, Weak Martial Artist Wannabe." Cait realized suddenly what he meant by 'demonstration...'

"You may play the part of the lovely pigtailed girl!" Kuno tossed her a frilly looking dress. Cait glanced right, then left, to see if there was any way to sneak out quickly. When there wasn't, she reluctantly slipped the dress on over her clothes and stood in the front of the room with the rest of the kids. Kuno tossed her a script.

"'Oh, beauteous dame, who distant remains habitually, now ye hath be cometh before mine own eyes. Ah, but such a prodigious scene is such of the great bards of old, such shall be told for ages henceforth..." RandomPirate, who had been forced to play "A Handsome Kendo Artist" droned on in a dull tone to Cait, who struggled over her own lines.

"'Ah, do mine eyes deceive me, do tell? The object of adoration, long withheld, now comes forth! Nowhere to be foreseen is one Evil, Weak, Martial Artist Wannabe..." Cait raised her eyebrow, glancing down at the words. Kuno had obviously used a thesaurus on this, most of the words were far to complicated for his small IQ to comprehend.

"'Indubitably, amorousness shared by this couple intertwined with predestination, virtuousness beholding, righteousness is reincarnated within....'"

The play went on like that for a long time. Cait soon grew tired of trying to pronounce all the lengthy words, and was glad when Kuno told them to sit down.

"This has been an example of poetic form of the romantic type. Your homework: write three sonnets involving the characters portrayed today in class. You will read the best one out loud in class. Dismissed!" Everyone got up from their desks and quickly exited, glad to get away from the sex-obsessed-neurotic Kuno. Of course, later on Cait had Lingerie modeling with Happosai, so it wasn't a permanent liberation, but it kept her mind at ease as she and her classmates walked to the lecture hall for their 'Crossovers' lecture.

The blackboard in the back of the hall was empty for once. Usually it said who was lecturing today, but now it was blank. "I wonder what they're doing, if no one's lecturing today..." Pia whispered to Cait, who was sitting next to her. The auditorium suddenly grew silent as some people went onto the stage.

"God, that was boring." Yumi yawned as they left the crossovers assembly.

Cait sighed as she walked out next to her. Each teacher had, in turn, gave a speech about how they should not be crossed over. Cait reflected on what Ranma had said...

"'For the last time! I am do NOT turn into a Sailor Senshi when I am female! I do not have a thing for any of the Sailors! PLEASE stop crossing me over with them! I do have a life you, know... I'm not into Tuxedo Mask either, by the way..."'

Cait sure had read a lot of Sailor Moon/Ranma ½ crossovers, though. They were all over the place, and were all basically just rewrites of each other. A lot of fics were like that, she speculated on. How many repetitive "Inuyasha characters in high school" stories had she read? Or the "Ranma is a prince and saves Akane" stories? And those Inuyasha/Sessho-maru/Koga finds (Mary-sue) and falls in love with her? Or "The bet" set ups, with one character daring another to have sex with/not have sex with/get to fall in love with another character!

'I wish these people would think up something more original...' Cait thought to herself.

Then she realized something else.

She herself was one of the writers she was complaining about! Cait smacked herself on the head in exasperation. The reason she had been sent to this University was for her OOC, error-ridden, badly written fanfics! And here she was complaining about others'. The University was supposed to teach them how to write good fanfics instead of the bad ones.

"Hypocrite..." Cait murmured to herself as she went off to Japanese spelling class with Kaede.

The next day, Cait woke up early so she could finish listing every character's name in Kanji for Kaede's class and finish her list of commonly misspelled words for Myoga's, then she headed off to breakfast.

Yuriko was obsessing even more over Sessho-maru's class, mainly because it was that night.

"I heard that he's going to let us huggle him and cuddle him and squeeze him to pieces!" Yuriko grinned broadly.

"Where did you hear that?!" Yumi, another Sessho-maru fan, was sitting next to her.

Yuriko, her mouth full of dumplings, held up a copy of 'Sessho-chan obsessers weekly'

"Whose idea was it to serve dumplings for breakfast anyway? Cait.....?" Everyone at the table stared at Cait, who tried not to look guilty.

"What? Ok, it was me. I just had gotten a bit sick of mustard and coleslaw omelettes.... Who put Akane in charge of not only cooking class, but the cafeteria...? We needed some food reform! And still do, but whatever." Cait wen back to her dumplings.

"Food reform? Cool slogan!" Yumi winked. "If we had a student council, you should run for it! You platform: food reform! We're starving for nourishment half the time, everyone would vote for you!"

Cait shook her head. "'Student council?' Everyone knows that a Students council is just a big smoke screen schools throw up to hide the fact that we kids have no input whatsoever in what goes on in our own school. It's ridiculous!"

"Told you. You'd be a perfect politician. And I heard they might start one for the second trimester. Think of it, Cait!" Yumi grabbed her arm. "You'd be an actual part of the school! You'd make choices..."

"...only to have the teachers trash them..."

"...you'd suggest improvements in the school..."

"...until the teachers dismiss them in favor of a new faculty sauna..."

"...you'd get your name on a fancy piece of paper... Cait, there's lots of stuff you could do!" Yumi smiled. Cait cringed.

"We'd better get to Athletics. Inuyasha is going to get impatient, he's going to teach us all about his new favorite sport, baseball...."

Athletics was exhausting. All class long, Inuyasha obsessed about his new favorite thing to do-throw baseballs. Forget the bases or catching, he just like throwing them. The only bad part was when his claws sometimes accidentally punctured the ball, then he would just get another and throw it at things (or students) until it was nothing but shreds. Ranma, who had taught it to him, just stood by and watched him throw balls at students.

At lingerie modeling class, taught by the world's biggest pervert Happosai, the class set an all-time record: greatest class length before students boot teacher out the window! (6 minutes, 41 seconds.) He had, once again, tried to force them to put on various underwear styles. (Crotch-less was his current favorite.) Of course, all the girls just tied him up in the trash can and kicked him out the window. As usual. They never had let that pervert Happy get to them anyway.

'Self insertion or Mary sue?'class went better than usual. Cologne only assigned 60 pages of reading, two oral reports, three essays, and one project. Ok, better than usual. Usual was scarier. Cologne had some fetish about assigning as much work as possible. Possibly for keeping her busy grading, so she would have a good reason to turn down Happosai when he had drunk too much.

'In character of out of character' was next. Cait rushed up the stairs as quickly as she could, because she was almost late, and after the ordeal with Kuno, she didn't want to be again. Pia had another unfortunate run-in with cold water, ending with her as a squirrel and girls screaming about rabies and running away. Cait had to go get her clothes and hot water.

"Just for future reference," Pia said, running next to Cait, "being a rabid squirrel does not really mean I have rabies. Rabid as in wild or frantic, or something! Girls can be so squeamish."

They got to class on time in the end, and Myoga wasn't too hard on them when they burst through the door so fast that they left imprints on it. Directly afterwards, he taught "Spell-Check, pros and cons." Myoga especially stressed that Spell-Check was no substitute for common sense, and encouraged them to always double-check their papers buy hand too luck fur airears Of course, who would need to do that?

Ryoga's class, "Anatomy of the slash fic" was... amusing, at the very least. Koga had guest-spoke, and had a long talk with them about how just because there were two good looking male characters that you like and they spend more than one episode in each other's company, doesn't mean they're gay together. Koga probably got fed up with the number of Inuyasha/Koga fics. Either those, or the Inuyasha/Koga/Kagome threesomes really irked him, as they would anyone. Ryoga also gave a lecture on how being a sparring partner does not necessarily mean being a sex partner too, amidst the many giggles from the class. "For the last time, Ranma and I are not gay together! We are not straight together either, I am not attracted to him, male or female, in the least. Neither am I in any way interested with Mousse or Kuno, don't even go there...."

"WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

"I guess Yuriko's excited about Sessho-maru's class." Cait uncovered her ears once Yuriko was done squealing in glee. "I can totally understand why they had him teach 'Nicknames - dos and don'ts.' Think of all the pet names people have for him!" Cait and Pia started to count on their fingers how many they could think of. Then they counted on their toes. Then the others's fingers. And toes. Still didn't have enough to count on, they gave up. Just at that point, Sessho-maru entered the classroom, closing the door behind him.

"YAY! It's my Sesshy!" Yuriko jumped to huggle Sessho-maru.

Sessho-maru said nothing as she jumped, but just before she was close enough to touch him, he threw something in her direction.

Yuriko fell on top of it, and looked at the furry thing in her arms. A tiny 'Yesh!' emitted from the furry little thing. Yuriko picked it up to get a closer look.

"Sesshy. That's what you wanted, wasn't it?" Sessho-maru smirked at her, then proceeded to the front of the class.

Yuriko looked at the furry little Sesshy. Like Pia's pet Sessho-chan, Sesshy looked like a smaller version of Sessho-maru, only much smaller, and in no way afraid of huggles and cuddles. "Aww! How cute!!!" Yuriko squeezed Sesshy, who squeaked a small 'Yesh!'

Sessho-maru started the class then. "This is what happens when a nickname is overused. Don't make up these things, no matter how cute you think they sound. Let me repeat this once more: Names like "Sesshy-wesshy" just don't sound too... tough. Do you know how embarrassing it is to be in the middle of a battle to have some fangirl just call out 'Go, Sesshy-wesshy! You can do it!'? It has to stop!"

"But Sesshy-wesshy is such a cute name..." someone from the front row said quietly. Suddenly, a loud pop was heard, and a fluffy little Sesshy-wesshy appeared in midair.

"Who wants it?" Sessho-maru said, sounding bored. Sesshy-wesshy gave out a little 'Weesh!'

After class, Pia and Cait went back to their dorm room before dinner. Pia smoothed one of her 'Mousse, the love duck' posters, talking to Cait at the same time. "What did you think of today's classes?"

"Really exhausting, considering it's the last.. OH MY GOD THERE ARE EXAMS TOMORROW!" Cait screamed loudly, immediately picking up some textbooks. "We have to study! Right now!" She opened 'Nicknaming tactics to avoid' and started rapidly reading.

"Relax, Cait!" Pia cuddled Sessho-chan, who had floated up from under her bed. Sessho-chan had been living mainly under her bed. Pia had bought a rabbit hutch for it to float into when it got tired. The rest of the time, Sessho-chan meeped a lot, but he was so cute that Pia forgave it. She continued talking. "We don't have to study until tonight! We'll just stay up all night studying! They're having a 'end of trimester' party downstairs. I'm going now. You wanna come?" Pia said as she went out the door.

Cait thought for a second, then said "I'll come down in a little while. I'm just going to study for a little bit."

"Whatever." Pia said, leaving with Sessho-chan.

Cait studied for three... minutes. She kept thinking about what would be happening downstairs that she couldn't study. Finally she just put away her books and went down to the party.

"Hey, Cait!" Pia said happily. "We were just about to start playing truth or dare! Wanna join us?"

Cait hesitated, then sat down.

The game went on and on. Randompirate had been dared to steal a bow from Kikyo's equipment shed. Yumi was truth-ed to tell the plot of her nastiest, dirtiest lemon in intricate detail. (Nosebleeds! ^_^;;) Soon it was Cait's turn.

"Truth or dare, Cait?" Pia smiled mischievously, and Cait could tell she would say something filthy if she said truth.

"Umm... dare." Cait hoped it wouldn't be too bad.

Pia grinned wickedly. "I dare you... to go up to every single teacher that has been paired up with Inuyasha in a fanfic... and tell them that Kagome and Kikyo are after their sorry asses with Ten's flamethrower!" She smiled after this creative proclamation. "Exempting, Kagome and Kikyo, of course. Just tell them that the other is."

And expectant pause followed this. Cait was too shocked to reply, but then got up and said "Okay... I will." She frowned at Pia as the latter stuck out her tongue.

Pia had oh-so-courteously supplied Cait with a paper listing every character that had ver been paired with Inuyasha, and sample fanfic names for 'warning' teachers with. The first on Cait's list was Sessho-maru. Oh, this was going to be tough. Cait grimaced as they approached his office. She knocked hesitantly.

"Um, Mr. Sessho-maru-sama sir?" Cait bumbled over her words in nervousness. "I have something important to alert you about."

Sessho-maru opened the door nonchalantly. "It's the girl from the first kidnaping attempt." he said dryly. "What is the problem?"

Cait broke out of her shock of Sessho-maru actually remembering her. "I... have to warn you." She almost started laughing, but managed to keep a straight face. "It's... Kikyo and Kagome read a fic, 'Hearts Entwined,' and now they think that you and Inuyasha are gay together, they're marching here right now, wielding Ten's flamethrower!" Cait, breathless, waited nervously for his response.

Sessho-maru's eyes widened. "Is that the truth?" Cait nodded, concealing her giggles.

Sessho-maru ran back into his office and slammed the door behind him. The sounds of furniture being moved in front of the door was heard.

The truth-or-dare group ran out from behind a corner. "Way to go, Cait!" Pia high-fived her. "Next is Sango!" Noting the sudden fear on Cait's face, Pia comforted her. "If you can spook Sessho-chan, you can fool anyone!" Cait nodded wearily, as they marched over to Sango's office.

Cait got back to her bed very late at night. After Sessho-maru, they had 'warned' Sango, Ranma, Rin, Miroku, Ranma, Akane, Lum, Ataru, Kaede, Koga, Ryoga, and Kagome and Kikyo against each other. Who would have known there were so many fanfic writers with such creative, however stupid, pairings? Cait rolled over to go to sleep, not looking forward to what would happen when half the staff locked up in their offices/preparing to battle found out that it was just a trick, or the exams the next day.

******

Computer...1000 dollars. WordPerfect software....'borrowed' from office. 3114 words...... 26 days. One lazy author.... priceless!

All fanfic and magazine titles are made up. Not to say that there would be someone desperate enough to write it, but whatever.

I am planning a staff musical, performed by our beloved teachers. "Badfic, the musical." If you can think of some well known songs and change their lyrics so that it would fit, that would be great! Also, I need some sort of crazy plot-line for the characters to perform.

Expect chapter 19 to be in early November.

This was 7 pages! Woo-hoo!