InuYasha Fan Fiction / Yu Yu Hakusho Fan Fiction ❯ Silent Regrets ❯ Chapter 5

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

Title: Silent Regrets

Author: Ryukotsusei

Disclaimer: Inuyasha and Yu Yu Hakusho belong to their respective owners. As much as I wish I could claim a part of it, I cannot. The plot however and any OC's my twisted mind happens to come up with though is mine.

Summary: IY/YYH It's strange how regret can make you think, two people take a journey to discover what's really important. Pairing: Hiei/Kagome

Author's note: Special thanks to Takhisiss who gave me a hand with the dialog. Also thank you to everyone who reviewed last chapter. It really helps motivate me to write more.

Chapter Five

Kagome shivered beneath the blanket and pulled it tighter around her body. She didn't want to get up, trying to put off what was to come for as long as possible but slowly she realized that the longer she waited the harder it would be for her to do. She buried her head in the pillow, inhaling deeply. She stilled as she did so, wondering why it smelled so much like Hiei. There was no mistaking his scent for any others, even if someone else had been in the room. The question was why did her pillow smell so much like him? She rolled over, pulling it with her as she laid there thinking. She didn't remember him being anywhere near the bed but that didn't mean much. He came and went as he pleased, maybe he had sat on the bed for some reason. Shrugging she let go of it and stood up, preparing to get ready for the day. As she walked to the closet she extended her senses, trying to feel where exactly Hiei was. She wasn't certain if she could face him right now, not with what she was about to do. When she scanned the house and realized he wasn't there she felt a mixture of relief and regret.

She decided to forgo breakfast, her appetite was nearly nonexistent and she had the distinct feeling that if she attempted to eat it wouldn't stay down anyway. Sighing heavily she went over to her closet and pulled out a pair of comfortable jeans and a long turtleneck shirt. It was cold here and that wasn't likely to change when she went through the well. Stepping into the bathroom she stripped off her clothing from the day before and turned the water on, filling the tub. This would be the last time she got the luxury of enjoying a bubble bath and she fully intended on enjoying it. She turned, looking in the mirror as she waited on her bath and sighed. She looked a mess and she knew it, the dark circles under her eyes were a testament to just how uneasy of a sleep she had. She had also lost weight though it wasn't something that anyone would notice with a casual glance. Perhaps that would be different if it were summer, for once she was thankful for the bulky clothes that came with the winter months.

Turning from the mirror she shut the water off before stepping into the hot water, sinking down into it. Her mind wandered as she soaked into the comforting heat, trying to decide what her plan of attack was for the day. It was likely that some of the guys would try to stop her so it would be to her advantage to have everything packed and ready to go when she returned. Otherwise it gave them time to arrive at the shrine and try and convince her not to go. She didn't want to make this any harder on any of them than it was, likely they wouldn't understand her reasoning for needing to go. All but one of them, most likely after their talk Hiei would see why she was doing it. Somehow she doubted that he would try to stop her.

As the water turned cooler she knew that it was time to get her plan underway. Climbing out of the tub she quickly dried off and dressed herself. Walking into the bedroom she knelt before her bed, reaching underneath it and pulled out two large suitcases. Throwing them on the bed she went to the closet and pulled out two smaller ones, setting those on the bed as well. She couldn't help the bitter laugh that escaped, knowing that her entire life was about to be packed into four suitcases. The next hour was spent sorting through her dresser and closet, deciding just which clothes that she would take. She knew that eventually she'd be wearing clothing appropriate to that era but she wasn't leaving without a healthy supply of undergarments. They might not last forever but she'd take what she could get.

Once that was accomplished she moved them downstairs and set them by the front door before going into the laundry room. In the corner, sitting where it had been long forgotten was her yellow pack that had accompanied her so many times into the past. Her hand closed around the strap as she stared at it. It was still packed from the last trip to the past, she hadn't been able to bring herself to touch it since that day. Yusuke had been the one to bring it into the house for her, making sure to put it somewhere she wouldn't have to look at it. He'd even made the offer to throw it out but something had held her back. She hoisted it up over her shoulder, studiously ignoring the rust colored spots that were liberally strewn across the bright fabric. It was only her blood, something that had been spilled before and would likely be drawn again. She walked into the kitchen and proceeded to empty the bags contents on the table, throwing out the old packages of chips and ramen. Her gaze fell to a small stack of pictures that had been tucked so carefully away into it, drawings that Shippo had given her right before she left. His crayons were even there, something he had no doubt missed while she had been gone. She'd have to remember to pick more of them up for him when she went out.

Restocking it with food was quickly accomplished and the last thing to go in was her bathing supplies. Zipping the bag closed she carried it to the door as well, setting it on the floor next to the suitcases. Boyu been watching her silently as cats are prone to do, seeing that there was something amiss. When she walked past him and came back carrying the pet carrier he made a run for the couch, hoping to escape whatever horror was to befall him. Normally when he was placed in that accursed contraption he ended up at the vets being poked and prodded, not something he had any desire to experience on that day.

Kagome sighed, knowing that the cat had good reason to be afraid of the carrier. Still it couldn't be helped. She knelt down in front of the couch and looked underneath it to find the cat scrunched up against the wall. "It's okay Boyu, we're just going to see Kazuma. You like him remember?" The look on the cat's face plainly said that he remained unconvinced but he didn't fight her too hard when she pulled him away from the wall. It was a bit of a struggle to get him in the carrier but even that was accomplished with minimal fuss. Securing the door closed she set it on the couch as she went to retrieve her jacket. There was no point in freezing, it would only complicate getting everything done that she wanted to accomplish.

Ten minutes later found her walking down the street, Boyu in hand and protesting the cold he was being subjected to. Unfortunately for her she was struck with the same fate that Hiei had earlier that morning with the snow making it's way inside. Truly it seemed that fate was against anyone leaving the shrine on that particular day for she had been reduced to mopping up the wet floor much the same way as the apparition had. Cursing the gods who were making things difficult for her she walked on, hoping that nothing else would go wrong this morning. She continued walking, turning up the street that would lead to Kazuma's house. Belatedly she wondered if perhaps she should have called first to see if he was even home. With the way Hiei had disappeared there was a possibility the guys had gotten together for some sort of mission or something. She sighed, knowing if that was the case things might have to be postponed unless Shizuru was there.

She stopped in front of their house, trudging up the driveway which was surprisingly free of snow. Somehow she doubted that Shizuru was the one to have done it, not when she could get Kazuma to take care of things like that. Of course he would have complained the entire time about the injustice of his sister forcing him to do things but he would have done it regardless. A giggle escaped from her despite the seriousness of the situation as she pictured Shizuru pushing him out the door and then tossing a shovel out after him. Taking a minute to get the image out of her head she then knocked on the door and waited. She breathed a sigh of relief as she heard someone moving around inside. The door opened only to reveal that it was indeed Shizuru who was there.

Shizuru looked at Kagome, taking in her stressed appearance. She didn't fail to miss the fact that she had her cat with her and her eyes softened, having an idea of why the girl was here. "Hey Kagome. Hurry up and get inside before you freeze to death." She moved out of the way letting the girl past and into the house. "I'll take him and put him in Kazuma's room while you get warm." Not waiting for Kagome to say anything she walked up the stairs. Her brother had told her that he had agreed to take Kagome's cat if she couldn't keep him for any reason. She didn't exactly object to the idea but she wasn't sure she was going to be happy with what brought the girl here.

She set him in the bedroom, knowing that he would be fine in the carrier until her brother showed back up. Then he could deal with getting Boyu settled in. Already the cat seemed much happier now that they were out of the cold and looked to be settling in for a nap. As she went back downstairs she looked at the girl perched uncomfortably on her couch. She'd been worried about the girl but her work schedule didn't allow her the time to go see her that often. Instead she trusted her brother and his friends to keep an eye on Kagome where she couldn't. It would seem though that something was wrong, something that they had missed. Her voice broke the silence, startling the girl in question who nearly jumped out of her skin. "You're leaving aren't you?"

Kagome was startled that it would be so obvious to the woman but she knew she shouldn't have been surprised. Shizuru was always perceptive, picking up on the smallest of details. She wasn't prepared for the question though, even though she knew the questions would come regardless. "I am. I won't be able to stay long, I still have so much to do. I take it Kazuma isn't home."

Shizuru took out a cigarette and lit it as she watched the girl, wondering what the hell had happened to prompt something like this. "No he's not, he took off once he was done with the driveway. He didn't even do the sidewalks like I told him. He'll be back though, now what's going on? I know you aren't dropping Boyu off for a vacation. Spill it." She leaned against the wall, seeing the look of guilt that crossed the girl's face. She knew she was right in her assumption, this was meant to be permanent. She couldn't help but wonder if Hiei knew and if so, why he wasn't doing something about it.

Kagome tried to school her expression into something neutral, knowing that if she let anything show through Shizuru would notice it and pounce like a cat on a mouse. If nothing else, the elder Kuwabara was persistence and wouldn't let things go until she had all the answers she wanted. "It's just time Shizuru. I knew I wouldn't stay here permanently, I was going to go back sometime. Well, that time is now and I want to make sure I have everything taken care of before I go. Kazuma said he'd keep Boyu, I was hoping he'd be here though. I don't suppose you know where he went?"

Shizuru shook her head, knowing there was a lot being left unsaid. "You're a terrible liar Kagome, this isn't something that 'just' happened and don't hand me the 'it's time' crap. I want to know what happened. Look, I'm not going to stop you from going. I doubt I'd be able to if I tried but if you're going to be asking for our help then I want to know what made you decide this." Her words were harsh but she knew that it would get through to her before dancing around the subject would. Subtlety was for people like Kurama, ones with the patience for that sort of tactic. She'd always been blunt and it got her what she wanted.

Kagome squirmed uncomfortably under the woman's scrutiny. "You're right, this has been a long time coming. I just can't live here anymore. Please don't push for answers, I really can't talk about it." She looked down at her hands while she waited, somehow knowing that this wouldn't be the end of the conversation.

Shizuru looked at her for several long moments, trying to decide just how far she wanted to push this. Already Kagome was on edge, obviously not wanting to talk about it any further. "Okay, if you aren't ready to answer questions I'll accept that for an answer for now. But it's only fair that you give me an idea of where exactly it is that you're going and how long you plan to be gone." She had an idea, well aware of Kagome's trips to the past. If that was where she was going then Hiei was going to have a fit, if he didn't know already. She was willing to bet that he didn't though, otherwise she was certain that Kagome wouldn't be sitting on her couch at this very instant.

Kagome gave a slight smile in relief that she wasn't going to be pressed for answers. Not many at any rate. "I can't say how long I'll be gone Shizuru. I have to be honest, I probably won't be coming back, not unless I can't find what I'm looking for. I'm going back to the past. I feel more... at home there." She knew Shizuru was not happy with her answer as soon as she said it, the look of the woman's face was less than comforting.

Shizuru was now positive that Hiei didn't know what Kagome was about to do and for that matter she was sure none of the others knew either. She was going to have to be very careful if she asked anything further, she didn't want Kagome to come out and tell her not to mention it to anyone. "If you want us to keep Boyu for that long Kagome, I will expect a visit every now and then just so we know you are okay."

Kagome smiled then, once she was in the past it was unlikely that she would return but Shizuru didn't have to know that. "Okay Shizuru I'll do my best. Thank you for taking care him for me. I have to go, when you see Kazuma please tell him I said thank you and.. tell him goodbye for me." She stood from the couch and began walking towards the door.

After her goodbyes were said she was once more walking down the street. This time she was headed to Yusuke's house, perhaps Kuwabara would be there as well. She had no idea what she would say to him, likely he wouldn't understand her reasons for wanting to go. He'd even probably go so far as to call her stupid, wanting to run from her problems. She shook her head, knowing that he would be right if he said such a thing but that wasn't going to stop her from leaving. Let him yell at her, call her stupid for what she wasn't doing. It wouldn't change things.

Shizuru watched her go, seeing the direction that the girl was headed. She went back inside and grabbed her phone before sitting down on the couch. Kagome hadn't specifically forbid her from saying anything, not that it would have made any difference. Even if a promise had been made if it was for the better for silence to be broken then she'd do it and deal with the consequences later. There were several places that Kazuma could have gone but the first and foremost in her mind was Yusuke's. Since that was also the direction that Kagome had been heading they would have a decent chance of changing her mind about what it is she had planned. She dialed the number and waited for him to pick up but as it continued to ring she began cursing. Hanging up she dialed a different number, this time to his cell phone but again there was no answer.

Knowing that they could be anywhere in the city she opted for calling Kurama. There was a slight chance they could be over at his house and if they weren't then perhaps he knew where Hiei was. If anyone could talk some sense into the girl it would be him. Quickly she dialed his number and waited. On the third ring he picked up and relief flooded through her. At least one thing was going right for her today. "Thank god you're home Kurama. We've got a problem."

Kurama blinked as he took in the irritated voice of Kuwabara's sister. It was rare that she called him and for her to say something like that, it instantly aroused his curiosity. "What problem would that be Shizuru?"

Based on the fact that Kurama sounded like he hadn't the slightest clue of what she was talking about she was almost certain that Kagome hadn't talked to him yet. She could almost feel sorry for the red head, having it dumped on him like this since it would be up to him to fix it. If it could be fixed. "Kurama are you aware that Kagome is planning to go back to the past and it doesn't sound like she intends to come back." Shizuru took a deep breath as there was silence on the other end of the phone which she could only take as she had shocked the kitsune. "Kurama you have to do something! You or Hiei, I can't get a hold of my brother and Yusuke seems to be missing as well!"

His grip on the phone tightened and he could feel the beginnings of a headache starting to form. This was not good, not good at all. "Are you sure Shizuru? We know the well didn't close but that doesn't mean she's just going to disappear. She might be going for a visit." He didn't want to admit it but that sounded lame even to him. Shizuru wasn't prone to over reacting like this, there had to be a reason. The memory of his conversation with Hiei that morning came to him, it would seem things were more serious than the apparition had let on.

"Of course I'm sure, I'm not an idiot Kurama. " Shizuru stalked into the kitchen grabbing a soda out of the refrigerator before taking out an empty glass. "Kurama listen to me. Kagome is in trouble, I don't know what the hell happened to her but the girl's lost it. She wouldn't let me ask any questions but she was determined that her leaving was the right thing to do. She even dropped off her cat for crying out loud and you know damned well that she wouldn't drop the hairball off if she was planning on coming back."

Any hopes he had of Shizuru being wrong about this went out the window. Kagome loved that cat and for her to part with him like that could only mean she had no intentions of coming back. He could just imagine Hiei's reaction if he came back only to find that the girl was gone. He didn't want to see his partner hurt like that, there would be no telling how he would take being left like that, even if Kagome had no idea of his feelings for her. "You're right Shizuru, she wouldn't. Look, I'll do what I can but it's not going to be easy. The only one likely to make a difference right now is Hiei and he's gone off to do some thinking. I don't know if I'll be able to find him but I'll try. As far as where your brother and Yusuke are, I would imagine they are at Genkai's. It's been a while since Kuwabara has seen Yukina and Yusuke would want to visit Genkai anyway. See if you can get them to come back and do what you can to stop her from leaving."

"Fine, I'll call over there and then see if I can catch up to her. I don't know what good I can do though, unless I sit on her. You know how stubborn she is when she sets her mind to something. Just try and hurry Kurama." Shizuru was already up and grabbing a jacket as Kurama was saying goodbye. Once he had hung up she dialed the number to Genkai's getting the old woman on the phone. She was as brief as possible, telling her to tell the guys to get their asses over to the Shrine and if they saw Kagome not to let her leave until Kurama showed up with Hiei. The old woman didn't ask many questions after she heard that Kagome was leaving, instead Shizuru could hear the shouts of Dimwit in the background. No doubt to get the man's attention from whatever it was he was doing. Hanging up the phone she ran out the door in the direction Kagome had walked off in, cursing her brother once more for leaving the sidewalks covered in snow.

Kurama ran a hand through his hair as he hung up the phone. Now he had the added problems of finding Hiei, a daunting prospect to say the least. There was no telling exactly where the hybrid was and if he desired solitude there was every possibility that he didn't want to be found. The Makai was an unlikely prospect. Hiei wanted to think and he wouldn't get the quiet he needed there, instead he'd be fighting most of the time. At least that narrowed his search down slightly. His choices left were somewhere in the forest surrounding the city. With a vague destination in mind he set off on his next mission: find the elusive fire apparition.

Kagome sighed as she walked away from Yusuke's house, the door having gone unanswered. She was suddenly feeling very tired again. So far she'd missed two of the people she needed to see. That left Kurama, and likely Hiei if he was there. This would be the hardest, saying goodbye to the demon who held her heart, she almost hoped he wasn't there. She didn't want to break down yet, there would be time enough for that later. As she made her way up to his house she got the distinct feeling he wasn't home either. There wasn't any sign of his youki or Hiei's, only the fading remnants that said they had left long ago. She was saddened by this, it hurt knowing they were going about their lives when she was still stuck in her past. But now she was moving forward in a manner of speaking, likely they would continue on long after she was gone.'Probably even forgetting about me after a while.' She couldn't help but feel a bit bitter about that, there was no doubt in her mind she would remember each of them for the rest of her life.

With a heavy heart she turned from the Kitsune's home and began to make her way back to the shrine. By now she was more than ready to get warm, her lips had long ago taken on a bluish tinge with the cold. She was being selfish she knew but at the moment she felt a bit justified. Later she'd feel guilty for her uncharitable thoughts, but for now she wallowed in it, using it to push forward in what she felt she needed to do. Her mind fogged over as she continued walking, never noticing the people she walked past. Instincts guided her back to the shrine and she was pulled from her thoughts only when her foot hit the first of the stairs that would take her home.

If there was one thing she wouldn't miss she decided, it was going to be those stairs she thought as she continued to climb. Never before had she seen a purpose to having so many of them, except perhaps for keeping people in shape. Assuming they wanted to deal with climbing them in the first place. Reaching the top she breathed a sigh of relief, thankful that part of her walk was over. She made her way to the house, wondering if she should perhaps leave a letter for Hiei. If nothing else he deserved some sort of goodbye, instead of hearing it second hand from one of his friends.

Going to a draw and pulling out some stationary she sat down to write. She wasn't exactly sure what to say to him but as she once more blanked her mind the words seemed to flow onto the paper.

Hiei,

I'm sorry that you weren't here so I could tell you goodbye in person. I want you to know that I have valued our friendship and I have never wanted to hurt you. I know you said to speak to Kurama but I feel this is something I need to do on my own. I've been a burden to you and the others for far too long, it's time I took some control of my life and this is the only way I know how to do it. I need to go back in time, perhaps I can find where I belong there. Know that I will never forget you and you will always hold a special place in my heart. Perhaps one day we will meet again, if so, I look forward to that day.

Best wishes Hiei, I will never forget you.

Kagome

As she stared down at the words she couldn't think of anything else to say without an outright declaration of her love for him. Unfortunately she doubted that was something that he would appreciate hearing. As it was she could picture his reaction to the letter, probably scoffing at the idea that her leaving could hurt him. She left the letter on the table, knowing that someone would find it later and make sure that it got back to him.

It was time and she knew that it couldn't be put off any longer. She took a last look through the house, making sure she wasn't forgetting anything important. Her eyes fell on a picture that she hadn't packed, one of her and Hiei together that Kurama had taken when neither of them were paying attention to him. Both of them had looked utterly content, sitting there next to each other. It was the only picture she had of him. Making up her mind she pulled it off the shelf and packed it in her yellow bag. It would be the one thing that she took besides her memories to remind her of him. Grabbing her bags she carried them into the well house, dropping them down to the bottom. She pulled herself up onto the edge, knowing this would be the last time she felt the well's magic and pushed herself off, falling into the darkness.