InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ ~*~Please Don't Ask Me~*~ ❯ ~*~Please Don't Ask Me~*~ ( Chapter 1 )

~*~Please Don't Ask Me~*~

~Please don't ask me what am I thinking;

It's about you~

I stood there looking at your beautiful face… you had this stricken-look about you-as though someone put a knife in your heart and twisted it. And the fact that I was the cause of your pain made me want to double over and howl with my rage…

~And please don't ask me

I never can see you…

What can I do?~

I was lost in my thoughts, of how unfair the others were for blaming me for your disappearance; well…I am, but that doesn't mean that I mean it! It's just that I seem to see red every time that wolf-guy comes near you…and even more so when you kinda flirt with him, even if it's unintentional! Grrr…what can I say? I am possessive. I know that we have had these spats a lot of times and you always forgive me…but this time I'm really worried though…

Would you still come back to me?

It was then that I heard the rustling of the trees, and as I turned around to look, it was she!

"Kikyou!"

She said my name and then stumbled. I rushed towards her and saw a monster chasing her…together with Naraku's bees. I made short work of the big soul stealer and waited for her to open her eyes. She asked me what she was doing there; I told her of the fiend that Naraku sent to kill her…and that she came there because she knew I would be there and that I would protect her. She scoffed at me, saying that I didn't know what I was talking about. That I had to be sorely mistaken because as long as Naraku had Onigumo's heart, he would never try and hurt her. Kikyou said that Naraku loved her…

I was so pissed and disgusted by that that I didn't stop to think. And the words that tumbled from my mouth were the words that I longed to say to you…

~My first impulse is to run to your side;

My heart's not free, and so I must hide

Please don't ask me what I'm gonna say to you…~

I only realized what I said when it was over and done with. I was staring at her while speaking, and all I could see was you. After that, your face disappeared, and she stood there before me. Then it hit me: I gave my promises to the wrong woman…

I wanted to beat myself into a pulp after that. My words were already given; I could not take it back. I pride myself by knowing that once I've given my word, it will never be broken. So I could do nothing. I even deceived myself into thinking that I still love her just so I wouldn't feel guilty about it. But you appeared, and gave me that look. I know that you saw and overheard everything. I felt your pain, and the anguish I felt was twice as great, because I hurt too. I wanted to run to you and pull you in my embrace, to tell you that you had it all wrong; that you're the one I love… But I could only look at you and do nothing, say nothing. No more words were needed…

You spun back and started to run, it was then that I called out to you, my heart in my voice.

"Kagome!"

~I toss and turn, can't sleep at night; it's worrying me

I go to bed, turn out the lights, but your face I see…~

They told me you went home…I already expected that. I also knew you weren't coming back, not ever. Not after what I did to break your heart. I wanted to follow you, to beg for your forgiveness, but I just can't. It wouldn't be right anymore. I've already made my choice, and I had to live with it… doesn't matter if I'm wrong.

~It only hurts the more I pretend

That we could never be more than friends

Please don't ask me why I'm so in love with you…~

Sango and Shippo are still bugging me to bring you back. They said that I messed up big time and I had to fix it. If only it was that easy… Miroku was the only one who understood my plight. However, that didn't stop him from convincing me to go after you. He said she still has the Shikon shards and it's only reasonable for me to jump into the well and get it…for me to return for the shards only. I wanted to shout at him "What the fuck! I broke her heart and you want me to come and just get the shards!" But I stopped myself in time. I had no right over her anymore. I killed her love for me the night I promised myself to Kikyou. But I told myself that I really had to go and get those shards; it was the only way I could see you one last time. But I was afraid to say goodbye. I never want to, not with you, because you make me feel alive…and loved. And to lose that, it was just like killing myself slowly…

~You could easily make me happy that I know

But I'll try my best to never tell you so

I would sing to you my love songs and just pretend

But I'll keep my secret right down to the end…~

I was not what anyone would call "normal". From my looks to my behavior, I was a freak. Yet none of it mattered to you. It never mattered that I was uncouth and terribly rude, that I'm hot headed and I'm always yelling at you, that I have this abnormal set of dog ears on top of my head, that my eyes are weird and my hair is a shock…that I scare other people away. You laugh and say that we're even, `coz you shout at me all the time too and that you can discipline me by sitting me a hundred times in a row. You said you find my dog-ears "cute", my eyes the perfect color of molten gold, and my hair appealing `coz it looks so shiny and feels as soft as thistle down. You make me blush when you say these things, bitch. But it feels good. Feels better to know that you are not and never will be afraid of me. Even when my demon blood takes over me and I would really hurt you, you would stand by me. You said that you were more afraid of me not remembering you than of my appearance or what I would do to you. You will never probably know just how much those words you uttered meant to me. I finally had someone who understands me and not judge me for my blood alone. That's probably why I fell in love with you…

And suddenly, the thing that I hated the most with my whole being: these stupid, freakin' God damned beads became a thing of such importance that I am relieved and so thankful that I had it, just because it prevented me from hurting you. Because that was always the last thing that I would want to do: hurt you. But I, in my stupidity and hanyou hindsight, have done so so many times I can't count it anymore. I hurt you by not choosing…then I hurt you again by choosing wrong. I know that it's been selfish of me…trying to keep you beside me and in my life…when I know that this "relationship" of ours would go nowhere. But I just had to have you with me. To know that you believe in me, that you care for me: just plain ol' dumb me and not try to change me into something else just to suit you, to know that you love me…

~Please don't ask me why I'm not talking

I just can't explain

And please don't ask me why I go walking out in the rain…~

When I think of what I could've had with you…it makes my heart ache. I live for your smiles, your laughter, your love… I would be lost without you. You complete me. And I'm probably just that crazy and stupid for choosing her over you, but I can't abandon Kikyou. I have a responsibility towards her. She came into my life first, and I'm to blame for her death right along with that asshole Naraku. My decision has already been made, no matter how many times and how very much I regret it.

But for one last time, before I lose you completely, I want to tell you just how much you mean to me and what you've become for me. You are my light, my one true love for all of my life. So many times, I wanted to hold you and tell you what I feel. To kiss those cherry red lips of yours and hear your sounds of pleasure as I trace every contour of your body, committing it to memory. To mark you and make you mine completely so that everyone would know to whom you belong with…and for those stupid jerks to stop chasing you altogether! You're my bitch and no one else's.

~I could not live the lie it would take

To have you near would be a mistake

Please don't ask me why I'm so in love with you…~

These would remain a dream for me. What little chances I had of doing this has now passed me by…over. I can never see you anymore, nor breathe in the scent that's uniquely yours and that has become the lifeline I've been waiting for… The time to say goodbye draws near and I have to let you go…

But before I do, I just wish that I could tell you that I'm so sorry for causing you so much pain just by existing. I do hope you know that I hurt myself more than I hurt you when I do that. And that the moments I spent with you would forever remain fresh in my mind…and in my heart. And no matter what kind of torment I'm in, your memory would always serve as my salvation…and my Heaven at the Hellhole I'll be…