InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ A First Time For Everything ❯ Airplanes (Wish Right Now) ( Chapter 12 )
[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]
By: MIztikal_Dragon 
Anime/Manga: InuYasha Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Romance / Hentai / Angst | Type: Alternate Universe | Uploaded On: 06.01.2010 | Pages: 2 | Words: 4.3K | Visits: 399 | Status: Work In Progress
Anime/Manga: InuYasha Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Romance / Hentai / Angst | Type: Alternate Universe | Uploaded On: 06.01.2010 | Pages: 2 | Words: 4.3K | Visits: 399 | Status: Work In Progress
Disclaimer: I sadly don't own anything. Not even my sanity.
This wasn't something I had planned up, it just hit me as I was listening to this song and I kind of ran with it. It is literally something "hot off the press" as I wrote all of it down in under 5 hours... geeez I'm so slow. This isn't really a sad short, but I still cried. The song "Airplanes", if you can, should really play while reading this, if not, meh, but I heavily suggest it. XD
AAAAAND! lol This chapter is for Lynchee Loving because of the very nice review left for me. I really appreciated them, so thanks. This is for you! XD
A First Time For Everything
Airplanes (Wish Right Now) -B.o.B
By Miztikal-Dragon
Like most nights as of late, I was feeling restless. The air was colder now that the summer had begun fading into fall, the gentle breeze filling my lungs with clean, fresh air. Spending practically all of my twenty-five years of life wandering around one busy city or another had left me feeling helpless and lost, not to mention a slight case of asthma and a one mind track of the fast lane. So much of my life was spent looking straight forward, no breaks, no stops, no gazing around me and it was one of the few things I could honestly say I regretted.
But being here out in the open, no neighbors for miles, no streetlights, no Wal-Mart’s, or fast food chains I felt unsure of myself. There was nothing here with a hustle and bustle way to keep my mind occupied on anything other than myself. Every morning when I looked at myself in the mirror it was the only thing I saw, myself. It was kind of scary at first, being forced to live with myself, no cell phones, no internet, no technology besides electrical appliances like a refrigerator or a toaster, well and maybe the regular telephone, but that was nothing compared to what I had before.
The old house creaked and moaned something horrible some nights, the branches and leaves of old oak trees swishing in the silent wind. Everything that I had before, every materialistic belonging was useless here besides my little MP3 player, and even then I had lost the plug in charger a few days earlier. Every dish I used I had to wash by hand because here there was no such thing as a dishwasher besides my own two hands and though I protested at first, I realized exactly how calming washing dishes, or even hanging laundry out on the line could really be.
All the toxins and poisons I had subjected myself to in the city life were bleeding away, seeping out through my pores and down the drains as I showered. I felt more freer than I had ever been and though some nights I still cried, cried harder than I thought I could, and yet the tears would someday cry themselves out. My bed was large, larger than what could have fit into my tiny one bedroom apartment and was more inviting than anything I had felt since my mother’s last embrace. Here in this old house there was no new heartaches, no new pains besides splinters and stubbed toes and I felt as if my soul was healing.
I wondered late at night if I had stepped back into time, into those old westerns and romance novels with those large farm houses, two stories, the old parlor room, large balconies and the smell of home cooking and love. I knew that I wasn’t however, because I wasn’t decked out in those old-school nightgowns, the one’s the buttoned up tightly around women’s neck, with the frilly lace and long sleeves. A nightgown like that to me seemed too fake, too not me and I leaned more towards the flannel looking pajama pants that hung on my hips by a drawstring and a white spaghetti strap shirt. There had been a lot of things I chose to give up when I left my life behind me, but my sleepwear wasn’t one of them.
It would get colder as the night progressed and smiling softly to myself, I closed the screen door behind me, the wooden floors of the enclosed porch sliding underneath my bare feet. Besides the porch light the only other illumination for me was the bright glowing moon in the sky and the twinkling stars which I had never been able to see before so clearly. Being here, out in the country filled me with firsts I would have never thought about seriously outside a daydream or fantasy and a growing part of me was glad.
As far as my eyes could see all there was, was an outstretch of green. Hills tumbling with long grass farther north, and a few trees, but it was more green grass than anything else. It seemed to go on for miles and if I had been outside during the day there would be cows and horses, and maybe a few other farm animals, but they had been rounded up before the sun had set. There really wasn’t much livestock so it hadn’t been a difficult job, it was easy and fun now that I had gotten the hang of it and one day I would gather enough courage and run beside the horses; who cared if I couldn’t keep up for long.
The ground below my toes was soft and comforting and I sighed heavily, blowing off old stresses and worries from my chest and into the night sky. I was beginning to wonder if I could keep up with this way of life. It seemed too simple, too mundane and easy and with my attention span I didn’t want to grow bored and restless with nothing around me besides nature. I’m sure there were things I could find to do, I always managed to get myself into trouble without even blinking, but I had long outgrown my adolescent teenage years and I wanted something more.
The women in town had told me that what I really needed to do was get closer to God, to pray and he would listen and if I was lucky, give me a sign that everything would be okay. They told me to stop by the church for the preacher’s sermon and blessing and I remembered smiling, telling them that I would think it over. Truth was, I wasn’t too sure I was ready to believe in a higher power, to be turned over to their belief of God when I felt too lost to believe in anything. I had lost too much, hated too long and I really wanted to learn to believe in myself before trying to tackle the question of religion. There had been too many unanswered prayers from my childhood, too many screams to save my love and it drowned any faith that had been kept in my heart. I needed to be reborn.
My feet carried me away from the warmth of the house and down a small hill where a large rock sat waiting for me. I knew that people purchased crazy things on whims and the large boulder like rock had been a purchase that I couldn’t wrap my mind around at first, but now, now I understood and I was grateful for it. It was smooth, my pale fingertips caressing the side before I climbed onto the flat surface. It had been a present for me, a strange one, but it made me feel as if I were on a small island on a sea of green staring up into an endless ocean of black and blue.
It was my own personal safe haven, void of any sounds besides the crickets and wind, silence from all the noise and buzzing I ran away from. A place where I didn’t have to pretend I was strong, or be anything else besides what I wanted to be at the moment. It made me feel safer than I had felt in a long time and I needed to feel it, longed for it and leaning back I let my eyes gaze up at the stars, my long black hair slipping over my shoulders and falling like strands of night.
Some nights I hated who I was, loathed myself with so much feeling that I wished I could hurt myself, beat myself and squish the ugliness that was me until there was nothing left. Those nights I was unbalanced, truly helpless and only a few things could save me. One of those things had gone sooner than I had ever wanted it to, disappeared like the moon during an eclipse, only it never came back. It had left a hole in me the size of a watermelon, open and gaping, and bleeding like there would never be a tomorrow.
He had taken everything precious away from me when he left, taken away the only reason I had for living and a part of me had hated him as much as I had hated myself for needing him so much. It was a pain I was now learning to live with and it was harder than anything I could ever do, harder than anything I would ever do. I could feel the tears building up, blurring my vision and the stars and as hard as I tried to keep them at bay, with the gentle touch of the wind against my face, those tears slipped free of their cage.
I missed him so much! Even now I couldn’t even begin to understand why life was so cruel to me, to take away something I so desperately needed, and the ache in my heart burned. He was the only one who had understood me, helped me be strong and carried the weight that I couldn’t when I stumbled. He had been my smile, my happiness, my first love and I had given him my whole heart and when he had left he’d taken it with him. He had been my everything, the reason for my existence and it had taken one wrong move, one second of carelessness, one mistake that took him away from me.
His love had been too good to be true, my one ray of sunshine and never in a million years did I ever think that something so stupid, so tiny could ruin it for me and leave me in an endless world of night. More tears escaped from my eyes, trailing down my cheeks and a sob bubbled up in my throat, I could feel my heart struggle to keep me put together. I hated feeling this lost, this broken and tattered and it only made my tears fall more readily.
I had been told growing up that life wasn’t fair, that there were so many twists and turns, so many roads and trails that if I wasn’t paying attention would send me into circles I couldn’t get out of and I hadn’t paid enough attention because now I was turned around I couldn’t untangle myself and I felt like I was drowning in my own pain. I knew I had to take it slow, carefully unwind myself and I had to keep going, but I often tripped, stumbled and fell, and now he wasn’t there to help me up. He wasn’t there for me, to stretch out his hand and laugh at me in a kind, childish way and I hated him for leaving me. Why?
Something cold and wet shook me from my thoughts and glancing down I saw a tiny head of wrinkles. The soft howl to me begging for attention, the cold nose touching the tip of my toes, and carefully I reached for the small puppy, a quivering smile touching my face as awkward paws reached for me like a child. The bloodhound was small now, but one day he would be large from what I was told, large enough that if I really needed a shoulder cry on and couldn’t rely on anyone, he would be there for me. It seemed funny relying on a dog when I knew a human, a man should have been beside me, but now I think I was beginning to understand.
The small puppy fit easily in my lap and I held on close to him, my face hiding in the fur of his shoulder blades, my tears lifted away and hidden on the small creature. I was slipping into my heart’s darkness, into it’s pain and suddenly I didn’t want to be in all of this. I wanted to be back in my apartment, with every materialistic thing I cast away. I wanted to be allowed to feel numb and stay in a place where I was comfortable enough to ignore my pain. I didn’t want to be forced in seeing myself so lost, so pathetic, I wanted to pretend it was okay and that I was untouchable by this lasting heartache.
“Kohaku,” my sob was quiet, but it felt like I was being stabbed repeatedly in my stomach by sharp knives.
I wished that I had never tried to heal, tried running away from everything I knew just so I wouldn’t be reminded of him because now it was all I could think about. I wish I hadn’t taken up the offer to marry someone I didn’t know, to throw away everything on a chance I knew I really didn’t want to take and I could feel something clawing at my heart, desperately trying to trap me. I didn’t want anyone else besides Kohaku, no one could love me the way he had, I only wanted him back and I couldn’t do this. I’m not strong enough to do this, I can’t. What was I thinking?
“Rin?” a baritone voice called to me, I barely knew the man it belonged to, didn’t know him because I refused to let myself, but he was now my husband.
His strong hand touched my shoulder and another sob worked it’s way from my throat. It was warm and comforting, something I should have acknowledged as he stood next to where I sat and I let him pull me against his chest, his chin touching my head. “I just miss him so much!”
“Kohaku?” I could tell I was trembling against him, my entire body shaking from my sobs and I could barely get myself to nod my head as his hand tried comforting me in an awkward way.
He knew all about my past when I showed up on his doorstep, knew everything about me and still he accepted me as damaged goods. He was isolated and alone and he allowed me to be with him, even knowing that I was too broken to do anything else besides exist. He didn’t ask questions, didn’t expect anything from me other than to wake up in the morning and try to pull my own weight, he let me pull myself back onto my own feet and the only thing he gave me was his last name and a place to stay.
“I understand,” he said and I honestly believed he had.
Together we merely existed out in the wide open underneath the stars and the moonlight and he let me grieve to my heart’s content. The small puppy in my lap whined and whimpered until he was placed back onto the grass, his loud barks followed by shuffling as he chased down the other puppy patiently waiting on the porch with the old beat up dog that I swore was the ugliest thing I had ever seen.
“Sesshomaru,” I whispered brokenly, my fingers clutching his cotton shirt and holding him closer to me than I have ever dared to.
He didn’t answer me, though his calloused hands cupped my face, his thumbs wiping away the tears that refused to stop falling. He never said a lot, not a word unless it needed to be said and before I had appreciated the silence, but now it only added to the ache growing in my heart. Sesshomaru, with his oddly colored amber eyes and strangely silver long hair was someone I would have admired from afar as a teenager, he would have been the kind of guy that induced fantasies and daydreams and he was my husband and someone I wasn’t sure I give all of myself to.
He deserved someone better than myself, deserved to be happy and with a woman who would give him the sun if he asked and instead he had me, an emotionally crippled child. This wasn’t fair to him, any of it and yet he didn’t complain about anything, ever. I wasn’t sure whether or not I was crying for myself or for him now, but glancing into those swirling pools of amber, my eyes found another pool to suck from and moisture leaked from them.
“P-please forgive me,” I didn’t know who I was asking for forgiveness as I closed my eyes, but it was important to me as our lips met.
It was funny that I had been married to Sesshomaru for easily six months and yet, this was the first time I had kissed him. His lips were soft and gentle, his fingers winding through my hair and I pulled him towards me, clinging to him as I invited him for more. All of my thoughts went quiet and disappeared leaving me with nothing but the feel of my husband touching me, kissing me and I was suddenly eager for more. When Sesshomaru pulled away we both were panting, his warm breath fanning my face and I struggled to open my eyes, I wasn’t supposed to have let this happen.
“Come inside when you’re ready,” his voice had taken a husky edge, one that demanded not to be ignored and I wanted to push my way back to him, pull those lips into another kiss until all my thoughts died away and all I was left with was him.
I didn’t though and merely nodded again, watching him untangle himself from me and head back towards the house. No longer could I feel the warmth I so desperately craved for and my hands tried rubbing away the gooseflesh running up my arms. I sat there in solitude for a few minutes longer before wiping away the rest of my tears and sliding off my rock. Sesshomaru had given me my safe haven, my place of reflection and though I didn’t think I could manage to smile, it warmed my heart a little.
He had given me more than I had realized as I walked back to my home, correction, our home and I bit down on my lip as I closed the porch door, and then the front door, locking it behind me. It may have been a house practically in the middle of nowhere, but it didn’t mean that no one could break in and it was no longer the age of innocence, no one left their doors unlocked unless they were asking for trouble. I turned off all the lights as I went by, my legs carrying me up the stairs as I lost myself in my thoughts.
Despite what I had been thinking, I really loved this place. I wanted to stay as long as I could because I needed this. This house was as close to happiness as I had been in what felt like forever and I went to my room thinking about how selfish I was. The bed was huge and inviting, but empty and lonely I realized. I didn’t like feeling alone and though Sesshomaru and I were married, we slept in different rooms. I don’t think either of us really understood what we were getting into, but he had given me space, no pressure, no expectations and just let me be.
I turned off my light and went down the hall to where I knew Sesshomaru was. His light was still on and I pulled my hair behind my ear hoping that I was not acting a fool. I stood in the doorway, my hand holding the doorframe as I watched Sesshomaru pull off his shirt, the muscles of his back rippling and I bit down on my lower lip trying to build up the courage to speak. When he turned and spotted me, his eyes widened marginally and I almost missed it, but he continued undressing, pulling off his jeans and putting them into a laundry basket off to the side. He was never the type to leave things as they lie, or throw them, he had an order, a place for everything and I thought it was cute.
“If you’re staying then turn off the light,” Sesshomaru said sliding into his own bed, his eyes watching me curiously, his eyebrow raised in an arch.
My hand found the switched and flipped it off, my feet pulling me closer to him and as easily as breathing I crawled next to him and stretched out. I didn’t want to be alone anymore and his warm arms lifted the blanket so I could share his warmth. I followed his lead, my eyes watching him, staring at him waiting for a sign that he was uncomfortable or didn’t want to be near me, but he didn’t show any emotions as he settled the both of us in.
It didn’t take long for sleep to consume me, I was already emotionally exhausted and I was willing to take any kind of release that was given to me. I slept longer and more deeply than I had before, wrapped up in warmth and when I woke I was bombarded by bright light through the window. I didn’t wake up feeling groggy, or hazy or feeling like I’d been put through a meat grinder, which was a giant plus. My mind took a few minutes to jump start though and when my eyes had adjusted the first thing I saw was a naked chest.
I was curled around Sesshomaru’s body, my head on his chest, one of his arms underneath my neck and gentle fingers drawing invisible pictures on the exposed skin of my shoulder. I could hear his heat beating and my fingers twitched on his chest, brushing against his nipple and other hand slid over mine, over his chest and curled around my fingers. The simple touch made my own heart begin to race, a blush rising to my cheeks and gathering enough courage, I tilted my head up and was immediately caught in his hypnotizing gaze.
I was afraid of what his touch meant, of what us being so close could mean, what it could be interpreted as and before I could worry on my lower lip Sesshomaru’s lips pressed against mine. Warmth spread through me as if I had been sunbathing, the hand that had held mine sliding through my hair as he tilted my head back further and stole away my sanity. My body reacted to his instantly, molding around him as he leaned his weight onto me, pulling me into his embrace and teasing me with his tongue.
He was sweeping me away into a place I hadn’t been since, well since my world shattered and I hear his moan and I wanted more. I didn’t want this to stop, couldn’t let it and I held him to me, hoping, wishing desperately that he would never pull away. Of every thing Sesshomaru had given me since I had shown up, never once had I expected something like this. Never did I think I would ever feel the budding passion coursing through me, the carnal need for anything to ever resurface and it hit me like a ton of bricks.
I never imagined that I could fall in love with my husband.
E/N: I feel in the romantic kind of mood. This was sooooo freaking cute! Thank you to everyone who has left me a review! Please leave comments, I love them. Hope to have more soon. Take care!
This wasn't something I had planned up, it just hit me as I was listening to this song and I kind of ran with it. It is literally something "hot off the press" as I wrote all of it down in under 5 hours... geeez I'm so slow. This isn't really a sad short, but I still cried. The song "Airplanes", if you can, should really play while reading this, if not, meh, but I heavily suggest it. XD
AAAAAND! lol This chapter is for Lynchee Loving because of the very nice review left for me. I really appreciated them, so thanks. This is for you! XD
A First Time For Everything
Airplanes (Wish Right Now) -B.o.B
By Miztikal-Dragon
Like most nights as of late, I was feeling restless. The air was colder now that the summer had begun fading into fall, the gentle breeze filling my lungs with clean, fresh air. Spending practically all of my twenty-five years of life wandering around one busy city or another had left me feeling helpless and lost, not to mention a slight case of asthma and a one mind track of the fast lane. So much of my life was spent looking straight forward, no breaks, no stops, no gazing around me and it was one of the few things I could honestly say I regretted.
But being here out in the open, no neighbors for miles, no streetlights, no Wal-Mart’s, or fast food chains I felt unsure of myself. There was nothing here with a hustle and bustle way to keep my mind occupied on anything other than myself. Every morning when I looked at myself in the mirror it was the only thing I saw, myself. It was kind of scary at first, being forced to live with myself, no cell phones, no internet, no technology besides electrical appliances like a refrigerator or a toaster, well and maybe the regular telephone, but that was nothing compared to what I had before.
The old house creaked and moaned something horrible some nights, the branches and leaves of old oak trees swishing in the silent wind. Everything that I had before, every materialistic belonging was useless here besides my little MP3 player, and even then I had lost the plug in charger a few days earlier. Every dish I used I had to wash by hand because here there was no such thing as a dishwasher besides my own two hands and though I protested at first, I realized exactly how calming washing dishes, or even hanging laundry out on the line could really be.
All the toxins and poisons I had subjected myself to in the city life were bleeding away, seeping out through my pores and down the drains as I showered. I felt more freer than I had ever been and though some nights I still cried, cried harder than I thought I could, and yet the tears would someday cry themselves out. My bed was large, larger than what could have fit into my tiny one bedroom apartment and was more inviting than anything I had felt since my mother’s last embrace. Here in this old house there was no new heartaches, no new pains besides splinters and stubbed toes and I felt as if my soul was healing.
I wondered late at night if I had stepped back into time, into those old westerns and romance novels with those large farm houses, two stories, the old parlor room, large balconies and the smell of home cooking and love. I knew that I wasn’t however, because I wasn’t decked out in those old-school nightgowns, the one’s the buttoned up tightly around women’s neck, with the frilly lace and long sleeves. A nightgown like that to me seemed too fake, too not me and I leaned more towards the flannel looking pajama pants that hung on my hips by a drawstring and a white spaghetti strap shirt. There had been a lot of things I chose to give up when I left my life behind me, but my sleepwear wasn’t one of them.
It would get colder as the night progressed and smiling softly to myself, I closed the screen door behind me, the wooden floors of the enclosed porch sliding underneath my bare feet. Besides the porch light the only other illumination for me was the bright glowing moon in the sky and the twinkling stars which I had never been able to see before so clearly. Being here, out in the country filled me with firsts I would have never thought about seriously outside a daydream or fantasy and a growing part of me was glad.
As far as my eyes could see all there was, was an outstretch of green. Hills tumbling with long grass farther north, and a few trees, but it was more green grass than anything else. It seemed to go on for miles and if I had been outside during the day there would be cows and horses, and maybe a few other farm animals, but they had been rounded up before the sun had set. There really wasn’t much livestock so it hadn’t been a difficult job, it was easy and fun now that I had gotten the hang of it and one day I would gather enough courage and run beside the horses; who cared if I couldn’t keep up for long.
The ground below my toes was soft and comforting and I sighed heavily, blowing off old stresses and worries from my chest and into the night sky. I was beginning to wonder if I could keep up with this way of life. It seemed too simple, too mundane and easy and with my attention span I didn’t want to grow bored and restless with nothing around me besides nature. I’m sure there were things I could find to do, I always managed to get myself into trouble without even blinking, but I had long outgrown my adolescent teenage years and I wanted something more.
The women in town had told me that what I really needed to do was get closer to God, to pray and he would listen and if I was lucky, give me a sign that everything would be okay. They told me to stop by the church for the preacher’s sermon and blessing and I remembered smiling, telling them that I would think it over. Truth was, I wasn’t too sure I was ready to believe in a higher power, to be turned over to their belief of God when I felt too lost to believe in anything. I had lost too much, hated too long and I really wanted to learn to believe in myself before trying to tackle the question of religion. There had been too many unanswered prayers from my childhood, too many screams to save my love and it drowned any faith that had been kept in my heart. I needed to be reborn.
My feet carried me away from the warmth of the house and down a small hill where a large rock sat waiting for me. I knew that people purchased crazy things on whims and the large boulder like rock had been a purchase that I couldn’t wrap my mind around at first, but now, now I understood and I was grateful for it. It was smooth, my pale fingertips caressing the side before I climbed onto the flat surface. It had been a present for me, a strange one, but it made me feel as if I were on a small island on a sea of green staring up into an endless ocean of black and blue.
It was my own personal safe haven, void of any sounds besides the crickets and wind, silence from all the noise and buzzing I ran away from. A place where I didn’t have to pretend I was strong, or be anything else besides what I wanted to be at the moment. It made me feel safer than I had felt in a long time and I needed to feel it, longed for it and leaning back I let my eyes gaze up at the stars, my long black hair slipping over my shoulders and falling like strands of night.
Some nights I hated who I was, loathed myself with so much feeling that I wished I could hurt myself, beat myself and squish the ugliness that was me until there was nothing left. Those nights I was unbalanced, truly helpless and only a few things could save me. One of those things had gone sooner than I had ever wanted it to, disappeared like the moon during an eclipse, only it never came back. It had left a hole in me the size of a watermelon, open and gaping, and bleeding like there would never be a tomorrow.
He had taken everything precious away from me when he left, taken away the only reason I had for living and a part of me had hated him as much as I had hated myself for needing him so much. It was a pain I was now learning to live with and it was harder than anything I could ever do, harder than anything I would ever do. I could feel the tears building up, blurring my vision and the stars and as hard as I tried to keep them at bay, with the gentle touch of the wind against my face, those tears slipped free of their cage.
I missed him so much! Even now I couldn’t even begin to understand why life was so cruel to me, to take away something I so desperately needed, and the ache in my heart burned. He was the only one who had understood me, helped me be strong and carried the weight that I couldn’t when I stumbled. He had been my smile, my happiness, my first love and I had given him my whole heart and when he had left he’d taken it with him. He had been my everything, the reason for my existence and it had taken one wrong move, one second of carelessness, one mistake that took him away from me.
His love had been too good to be true, my one ray of sunshine and never in a million years did I ever think that something so stupid, so tiny could ruin it for me and leave me in an endless world of night. More tears escaped from my eyes, trailing down my cheeks and a sob bubbled up in my throat, I could feel my heart struggle to keep me put together. I hated feeling this lost, this broken and tattered and it only made my tears fall more readily.
I had been told growing up that life wasn’t fair, that there were so many twists and turns, so many roads and trails that if I wasn’t paying attention would send me into circles I couldn’t get out of and I hadn’t paid enough attention because now I was turned around I couldn’t untangle myself and I felt like I was drowning in my own pain. I knew I had to take it slow, carefully unwind myself and I had to keep going, but I often tripped, stumbled and fell, and now he wasn’t there to help me up. He wasn’t there for me, to stretch out his hand and laugh at me in a kind, childish way and I hated him for leaving me. Why?
Something cold and wet shook me from my thoughts and glancing down I saw a tiny head of wrinkles. The soft howl to me begging for attention, the cold nose touching the tip of my toes, and carefully I reached for the small puppy, a quivering smile touching my face as awkward paws reached for me like a child. The bloodhound was small now, but one day he would be large from what I was told, large enough that if I really needed a shoulder cry on and couldn’t rely on anyone, he would be there for me. It seemed funny relying on a dog when I knew a human, a man should have been beside me, but now I think I was beginning to understand.
The small puppy fit easily in my lap and I held on close to him, my face hiding in the fur of his shoulder blades, my tears lifted away and hidden on the small creature. I was slipping into my heart’s darkness, into it’s pain and suddenly I didn’t want to be in all of this. I wanted to be back in my apartment, with every materialistic thing I cast away. I wanted to be allowed to feel numb and stay in a place where I was comfortable enough to ignore my pain. I didn’t want to be forced in seeing myself so lost, so pathetic, I wanted to pretend it was okay and that I was untouchable by this lasting heartache.
“Kohaku,” my sob was quiet, but it felt like I was being stabbed repeatedly in my stomach by sharp knives.
I wished that I had never tried to heal, tried running away from everything I knew just so I wouldn’t be reminded of him because now it was all I could think about. I wish I hadn’t taken up the offer to marry someone I didn’t know, to throw away everything on a chance I knew I really didn’t want to take and I could feel something clawing at my heart, desperately trying to trap me. I didn’t want anyone else besides Kohaku, no one could love me the way he had, I only wanted him back and I couldn’t do this. I’m not strong enough to do this, I can’t. What was I thinking?
“Rin?” a baritone voice called to me, I barely knew the man it belonged to, didn’t know him because I refused to let myself, but he was now my husband.
His strong hand touched my shoulder and another sob worked it’s way from my throat. It was warm and comforting, something I should have acknowledged as he stood next to where I sat and I let him pull me against his chest, his chin touching my head. “I just miss him so much!”
“Kohaku?” I could tell I was trembling against him, my entire body shaking from my sobs and I could barely get myself to nod my head as his hand tried comforting me in an awkward way.
He knew all about my past when I showed up on his doorstep, knew everything about me and still he accepted me as damaged goods. He was isolated and alone and he allowed me to be with him, even knowing that I was too broken to do anything else besides exist. He didn’t ask questions, didn’t expect anything from me other than to wake up in the morning and try to pull my own weight, he let me pull myself back onto my own feet and the only thing he gave me was his last name and a place to stay.
“I understand,” he said and I honestly believed he had.
Together we merely existed out in the wide open underneath the stars and the moonlight and he let me grieve to my heart’s content. The small puppy in my lap whined and whimpered until he was placed back onto the grass, his loud barks followed by shuffling as he chased down the other puppy patiently waiting on the porch with the old beat up dog that I swore was the ugliest thing I had ever seen.
“Sesshomaru,” I whispered brokenly, my fingers clutching his cotton shirt and holding him closer to me than I have ever dared to.
He didn’t answer me, though his calloused hands cupped my face, his thumbs wiping away the tears that refused to stop falling. He never said a lot, not a word unless it needed to be said and before I had appreciated the silence, but now it only added to the ache growing in my heart. Sesshomaru, with his oddly colored amber eyes and strangely silver long hair was someone I would have admired from afar as a teenager, he would have been the kind of guy that induced fantasies and daydreams and he was my husband and someone I wasn’t sure I give all of myself to.
He deserved someone better than myself, deserved to be happy and with a woman who would give him the sun if he asked and instead he had me, an emotionally crippled child. This wasn’t fair to him, any of it and yet he didn’t complain about anything, ever. I wasn’t sure whether or not I was crying for myself or for him now, but glancing into those swirling pools of amber, my eyes found another pool to suck from and moisture leaked from them.
“P-please forgive me,” I didn’t know who I was asking for forgiveness as I closed my eyes, but it was important to me as our lips met.
It was funny that I had been married to Sesshomaru for easily six months and yet, this was the first time I had kissed him. His lips were soft and gentle, his fingers winding through my hair and I pulled him towards me, clinging to him as I invited him for more. All of my thoughts went quiet and disappeared leaving me with nothing but the feel of my husband touching me, kissing me and I was suddenly eager for more. When Sesshomaru pulled away we both were panting, his warm breath fanning my face and I struggled to open my eyes, I wasn’t supposed to have let this happen.
“Come inside when you’re ready,” his voice had taken a husky edge, one that demanded not to be ignored and I wanted to push my way back to him, pull those lips into another kiss until all my thoughts died away and all I was left with was him.
I didn’t though and merely nodded again, watching him untangle himself from me and head back towards the house. No longer could I feel the warmth I so desperately craved for and my hands tried rubbing away the gooseflesh running up my arms. I sat there in solitude for a few minutes longer before wiping away the rest of my tears and sliding off my rock. Sesshomaru had given me my safe haven, my place of reflection and though I didn’t think I could manage to smile, it warmed my heart a little.
He had given me more than I had realized as I walked back to my home, correction, our home and I bit down on my lip as I closed the porch door, and then the front door, locking it behind me. It may have been a house practically in the middle of nowhere, but it didn’t mean that no one could break in and it was no longer the age of innocence, no one left their doors unlocked unless they were asking for trouble. I turned off all the lights as I went by, my legs carrying me up the stairs as I lost myself in my thoughts.
Despite what I had been thinking, I really loved this place. I wanted to stay as long as I could because I needed this. This house was as close to happiness as I had been in what felt like forever and I went to my room thinking about how selfish I was. The bed was huge and inviting, but empty and lonely I realized. I didn’t like feeling alone and though Sesshomaru and I were married, we slept in different rooms. I don’t think either of us really understood what we were getting into, but he had given me space, no pressure, no expectations and just let me be.
I turned off my light and went down the hall to where I knew Sesshomaru was. His light was still on and I pulled my hair behind my ear hoping that I was not acting a fool. I stood in the doorway, my hand holding the doorframe as I watched Sesshomaru pull off his shirt, the muscles of his back rippling and I bit down on my lower lip trying to build up the courage to speak. When he turned and spotted me, his eyes widened marginally and I almost missed it, but he continued undressing, pulling off his jeans and putting them into a laundry basket off to the side. He was never the type to leave things as they lie, or throw them, he had an order, a place for everything and I thought it was cute.
“If you’re staying then turn off the light,” Sesshomaru said sliding into his own bed, his eyes watching me curiously, his eyebrow raised in an arch.
My hand found the switched and flipped it off, my feet pulling me closer to him and as easily as breathing I crawled next to him and stretched out. I didn’t want to be alone anymore and his warm arms lifted the blanket so I could share his warmth. I followed his lead, my eyes watching him, staring at him waiting for a sign that he was uncomfortable or didn’t want to be near me, but he didn’t show any emotions as he settled the both of us in.
It didn’t take long for sleep to consume me, I was already emotionally exhausted and I was willing to take any kind of release that was given to me. I slept longer and more deeply than I had before, wrapped up in warmth and when I woke I was bombarded by bright light through the window. I didn’t wake up feeling groggy, or hazy or feeling like I’d been put through a meat grinder, which was a giant plus. My mind took a few minutes to jump start though and when my eyes had adjusted the first thing I saw was a naked chest.
I was curled around Sesshomaru’s body, my head on his chest, one of his arms underneath my neck and gentle fingers drawing invisible pictures on the exposed skin of my shoulder. I could hear his heat beating and my fingers twitched on his chest, brushing against his nipple and other hand slid over mine, over his chest and curled around my fingers. The simple touch made my own heart begin to race, a blush rising to my cheeks and gathering enough courage, I tilted my head up and was immediately caught in his hypnotizing gaze.
I was afraid of what his touch meant, of what us being so close could mean, what it could be interpreted as and before I could worry on my lower lip Sesshomaru’s lips pressed against mine. Warmth spread through me as if I had been sunbathing, the hand that had held mine sliding through my hair as he tilted my head back further and stole away my sanity. My body reacted to his instantly, molding around him as he leaned his weight onto me, pulling me into his embrace and teasing me with his tongue.
He was sweeping me away into a place I hadn’t been since, well since my world shattered and I hear his moan and I wanted more. I didn’t want this to stop, couldn’t let it and I held him to me, hoping, wishing desperately that he would never pull away. Of every thing Sesshomaru had given me since I had shown up, never once had I expected something like this. Never did I think I would ever feel the budding passion coursing through me, the carnal need for anything to ever resurface and it hit me like a ton of bricks.
I never imagined that I could fall in love with my husband.
E/N: I feel in the romantic kind of mood. This was sooooo freaking cute! Thank you to everyone who has left me a review! Please leave comments, I love them. Hope to have more soon. Take care!