InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Because I'm Not Someone Else ❯ One-Shot

[ P - Pre-Teen ]

Disclaimer:  I do not own the characters of Inuyasha.

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“Kikyou wouldn't have messed that shot up, wench, putting herself in danger!  Why can't you be more like her!”  Inuyasha shouted, red-faced, scared, and angry – and not willing to just admit that.

They'd been involved in a rather heated battle with a shard enhanced youkai, and Kagome, stumbling just as she went to take a shot at the huge oni, lost her aim.  Instead of hitting the creature in the heart and purifying it, her arrow merely hit it in the arm, destroying the arm and enraging the creature so badly that it went after her specifically and ignored everyone else – almost succeeding in killing her.

Inuyasha, instantly infuriated, had immediately destroyed the beast, and then turned on Kagome, his terror that she'd almost been taken from him making his mouth run away from him.

Again.

Silence descended as soon as his words hit everyone's ears, and uneasily, Sango, Shippo, Miroku, and even Kirara stared wide-eyed at the foolish hanyou, clearly expecting Kagome's temper to blow due to his hurtful words.  The hanyou himself also expected the same, his ears plastering to his head and his shoulders hunching; he winced at his own stupidity, waiting for the ax to fall.

But to everyone's shock, there was no enraged scream of, “Osuwari!” there was no loud voice yelling 'I'm not Kikyou!'... there was nothing.

At that point, all eyes turned to the miko who was standing oh, so silently in the middle of the gathered group, holding a hand to an injured and bleeding side, her head lowered as she simply stared at the ground, seemingly frozen.

After several long, deadly silent moments, Inuyasha haltingly said... “K-Kagome?”  in a questioning tone.

His ears pressed tighter to his head in agitation and remorse as the faint scent of tears hit his nose, but before he could do more than reach a hand out, planning to gather her up and begin treating her wound while trying to pull his leg out of his mouth, a trembling voice spoke up, and they all strained to listen to her words.

“It's funny, Inuyasha,”  she said faintly, refusing to look up as she spoke,  “that you always told me how no one ever cared about you as you are – that you were always taken for a 'filthy hanyou' and that was one thing that made you happy with me around – because I've always only seen you as Inuyasha.  Not a hanyou, not a human tainted with youkai blood, or a youkai tainted with human blood.  Just as Inuyasha, that's all.  I see you, as you, no one else.  Right?  You know that's how I see you.”

Cringing, Inuyasha whimpered out a “Yes,” and Kagome nodded without looking up.

“Then how do you think it makes me feel,”  she replied, her voice so low it was almost inaudible,  “to know that you can't return the favor?”  

Inuyasha's eyes widened painfully as several gasps came from their listening friends, though by this point Inuyasha didn't even care that they were listening.  “W-what?”  he whispered, shocked.

“Almost every time I do something, you're comparing me to her – and I always lose in those comparisons.  All you can do is blame me because I'm not someone else,”  she choked out, the tears rimming her eyes abruptly welling over and streaming down her cheeks.  “Do you hate me that much - blame me because I'm alive, and she's not?  Is it my fault that she's dead?  Am I a thief because I have her soul?  Do you want me to die so she can have it back?  What do you want from me?”  she cried out, finally lifting haunted, drenched and torn eyes to stare at her horrified hanyou companion.

Inuyasha would never forget the look in her eyes in that moment, or the hurt that went so deep that it had carved irreversible scars into her beautiful soul.  He hated himself for the pain that was as visible as the wound in her side.  Because he'd never, ever realized just what he was doing with his horrible words... he was doing to her what everybody had done to him for his entire life – everyone but Kagome, that was.  He realized in that single slice of time that he was a hypocrite.  He'd always railed against how he was treated – it wasn't fair, he'd always thought.  Just because he was hanyou, didn't mean he was evil or filthy or tainted.  It wasn't his fault he was hanyou, anyway – he hadn't asked to be born, nor for the circumstances of his birth.

And Kagome was the first person to agree with that.  It wasn't fair to treat him that way.

Yet... he'd turned around and treated her that same way.  His words blaming her for not being Kikyou were as hypocritical as anything he could ever say.

But the damnable thing was... he didn't want her to be Kikyou.  He always opened his big, fat mouth and said things like that, yet it was all a lie.  He was simply scared to lose her... and he didn't know how to just say that, no, he had to get stupid, instead, and say hurtful and mean things to hide his own vulnerability to the woman he couldn't resist loving.

This was the result of his stupidity... a beautiful, strong, stubborn, powerful, loyal, and loving young woman bleeding to death right in front of him, the wounds to her soul far greater than any physical wounds she'd ever suffered.

And it was all his fault.  All because of him.

“No,”  he whispered, holding her gaze, his own begging her to listen to him, pleading with her to stop hurting, to forget his previous words.  “No.  Never.  I don't want you to be anyone else, I don't want you to d-die,”  he choked, panic taking his breath at even the thought of that,  “I don't hate you – I could never hate you, no matter what!  It's not your fault she's dead, it's only through your caring heart that she's even as alive as she is.  You didn't steal her soul, and I'm not sorry you have that soul, or that you were born, because Kagome is far too important to ever lose!  I'm stupid, and I put my foot in my mouth because I was so scared that you almost got killed, but was too much of a coward to just say it,”  he said fiercely, desperate to get it all out now, despite the presence of the others, and his usual need to hide any signs of caring for anything away from everybody.

Faint sounds of surprise came from the rest of the group as they stared at him in shock, but he ignored them to rush over to the now wilting figure of Kagome, catching her before she could fall, her blood beginning to puddle at her feet.

He snapped out orders for Sango to get Kagome's first aid kit out so she could be treated, for Shippo to go get water, and for Miroku to get Kagome's sleeping bag out for her so she could be laid on it while he tended to her wounds.  The entire time, he didn't lift his gaze from her own and when everything was settled to his satisfaction, he spoke once more to a still-silent young woman.

“I'm a hypocrite, Kagome,”  he said softly, regret clear in his voice as he set her down on her bedding and efficiently lifted her torn shirt just enough to reach the wound on her side.  “You were completely right with what you said to me.”  He finally looked away from her eyes, too ashamed at what he'd been doing to her to hold her gaze any longer, instead concentrating on her wound.  His voice showed his dejection as he continued speaking.  “I'm an ass... and I totally understand why you keep these beads on me, too.  I deserve to be sat a lot more than what you have been doing, and I almost wish you'd do it, because there's no way I can ever make this up to you, Kagome.  You should have left me a long time ago.”

Kagome made a wordless sound of disagreement, her eyes still drenched in tears and solemn as she watched his face, taking note of the fact that he wasn't hiding behind his usual gruff manner when he was embarrassed about something, or had been caught out in the wrong and refused to admit it.  This time he was letting his shame and remorse hang out for everyone to see.  

 That showed her immediately that he was sincerely sorry for hurting her feelings... though it still hurt, and would take a long time for her to get over.  His words had, after all, done a lot of damage to her heart, and something like that didn't heal because of one apology.

But...

“I won't leave you, Inuyasha,”  she gasped out as he flushed her injury with alcohol to disinfect it.  “I promised I would stay by your side, and I will.  I didn't say I would stay by your side only if you were nice to me, after all.”  Her fingers clenched tightly in her bedding as he continued to clean her wound.  But even if you really do wish I was someone else, could you please... just not say it anymore?”  she asked finally, her voice almost pleading.  “I don't think I can take that again – it hurts too much.”

His mouth tightened at her words as he continued to bathe her wound, making sure every speck of dirt was flushed out of it, his fingers tender against her injured flesh.  Kami, I hate myself so much right now.  So much... And he did – if he could have attacked himself for what he'd done to her, he would.  Maybe he should.  He was quite capable of hurting himself, after all... right at this moment, he hated himself so much for the pain he'd caused her, he could see himself committing Seppuku.  The only thing holding him back was that she needed him to protect her, and he would never leave her without that protection, no matter how much he loathed himself.

The only thing he could do was spend the rest of his cursed existence working to make it up to her.  First thing he had to do was restore her trust in him.  It hurt to realize that she no longer believed him when he said something that wasn't cruel – but he didn't blame her for that hurt, because he deserved every bit of it, and then some.

“I'm going to spend the rest of my miserable existence trying to make this up to you, Kagome,”  he said slowly, finally flicking a golden glance up at her face, knowing that she was still crying, and hating that fact.  “I meant what I said – I don't wish you were someone else, but I also know that you've lost your trust in me, and that's entirely my fault.  I don't blame you, even though it hurts.  But someday, I'll get you to trust me again.  And I'm going to start by promising you something... I will never again compare you to her.  Because the truth is... there is no comparison.  Kikyou was Kikyou, and Kagome is Kagome, and you have no reason to feel like you're worth less than her.  You aren't.  You never were.”

Scent registering a faint tinge of disbelief, Kagome finally just nodded, closing her eyes as a wave of pain washed over her, the alcohol still burning in her side terribly.  “Okay,”  she just sighed, missing Sango's sympathetic expression as the slayer approached them with the water Shippo had just retrieved.

“Here, Inuyasha,”  she said, handing him the bottle of water, a hint of anger apparent in her voice.  She expected to receive an attitude because of it, too...

She didn't.  He kept his ears plastered to his head, his behavior submissive and showing his remorse was real to the taijiya who was quite well aware of what his behavior meant coming from a canine youkai.

Crouching down at her friend's side, she caught Kagome's gaze as she opened her eyes back up.  “Is there anything you need, Kagome-chan?”  she asked gently, ignoring the inu-hanyou who was still acting submissive.

The girl winced as he began to bandage her side after rinsing it with the water, then shook her head after a moment spent catching her breath.  “No.  I'll be okay, Sango-chan... I'm just tired,”  she said around a sudden yawn as her eyes drooped, beginning to close again.

Sango put a hand to Kagome's forehead with a soft smile, pleased to find no hint of fever.  “Then go to sleep, Kagome-chan.  I'll wake you up when it's time for dinner.  You just rest, okay?”

Kagome nodded as her eyes slid closed, and finally finished binding the wound, Inuyasha laid her back again on her sleeping bag and softly said,  “Oi, Sango, you should help her put on a clean shirt from her bag so we can get rid of the bloody one.  She'll be more comfortable.”

The taijiya merely nodded curtly, and within short order, the little priestess was redressed and sleeping comfortably, Shippo, Kirara and Miroku sitting and watching quietly.

Once she was asleep, Sango looked at Inuyasha and said,  “I know you meant what you told her before she fell asleep – I can tell from your behavior that you're honestly sorry, and determined to make amends.  So I will help you regain her trust.  But if you cause her anymore hurt through your big mouth, Inuyasha, then you will face my wrath.   Are we clear?”

The hanyou nodded, but stayed silent, knowing that the others were also going to have their say.

Shippo spoke up next.

“Yeah, what she said.”  He looked over at Sango, then Miroku.  “But what about when he runs off to Kikyou?”  he asked angrily.  “That always hurts her, too!”

Before Inuyasha could say anything, Miroku spoke up.  “No, Shippo, that is a different matter than Inuyasha's hurtful words.  He owes a debt of honor to Kikyou-sama, and we cannot expect him to break his word to her.  Kagome-sama knows this, and has never asked him not to see Kikyou-sama - it may hurt her, but she would never ask him to forsake his honor for her.  His words, however...”  he looked over at the upset hanyou.  “Man up, Inuyasha.  Don't take your inability to show the decent side of yourself out on her anymore.  You may hate feeling vulnerable by showing that you do care for others, but that is no excuse for treating Kagome-sama like less than the filth beneath Kikyou-sama's feet.”

Inuyasha blanched at those blunt words – they were horrible... and again, he deserved them.  He felt even more horrible as he realized just how well his friends knew him – how well they understood his situation.  Miroku's words, which Sango had nodded her agreement with, showed that, while they didn't like the hurt his affiliation with the undead miko caused their friend, they understood that it wasn't his intention to do so, and that he had a debt to Kikyou that could not rightly be forgotten.

So he sat there near Kagome, squared his shoulders and met each of their gazes solemnly.  “You have my word, Sango.  If my mouth does start to run off with me again, nail me with Hiraikotsu.”  He looked at Miroku.  “Slap a sutra on me, Miroku, if you catch me... and Shippo,”  he eyed the still-angry kit,  “use your foxfire or whatever you want to get my attention if I start saying things I shouldn't.  I might, just out of habit.”

The three nodded, and with that the conversation was done, as Inuyasha went off to hunt for supper, and the others busied themselves with other tasks.

But it wasn't forgotten, and that day's happenings would have a profound effect on the dynamics within the group – as well as the relationship between Inuyasha and Kagome.

Finally, finally, Kagome had gotten through to him what he was doing to her with his verbal cruelty, and the impact her words had on him that day made him actually begin to grow up.

In later years, after Naraku's defeat, and Kagome's disappearance from the Sengoku Jidai and eventual return, Inuyasha would look back on that day as the day he finally became an adult – and the day that allowed her to even want to return to him, because if he hadn't learned his lesson, he would have eventually killed every bit of faith she had in him...

And she wouldn't have wanted to ever return to him at all.

All you can do is blame me because I'm not someone else...

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A/N:This little one-shot came about because I was noticing the differences in how Inuyasha treated Kagome from the earlier part of the manga, to later portions.I decided to show a snippet of time, and just how that change could possibly have come about - how Inuyasha finally started growing up and becoming the hanyou he was by the time the manga ended.I hope everyone enjoys my little story.
Amber


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