InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Boxed In ❯ Boxed In ( Chapter 1 )

Boxed In

Disclaimer: I don't own InuYasha or any characters there in.

"Inuyasha this isn't funny! Let me out NOW!" I screamed.

"NO! You'll stay in there until you tell us what the hell is wrong with you!" he yelled through the wall. Then in a somewhat quieter voice he added to the others, "No one goes near her but me or I will kill you."

He sounded serious.

The sturdy cabin had one window and one door. Now blocked by large boulders. The thick walls dampened the sounds from outside and the only light I had was what managed to sneak past the boulders. The room was nearly bare, just a few clay pots in one corner.

"Miroku-sama? Sango-chan?" I begged of my friends, "Let Me out, please!"

There was a brief pause before Miroku spoke up, "I am sorry Kagome-sama, but we also wish to know why you have been acting this way."

"Besides," Shippo squeaked, "Inuyasha looks real scary."

"WHAT WAY?" I demanded. Only silence met me. I hadn't been acting any different. Maybe a little more aggressive in battle but maybe I just got sick of sitting in the sidelines and missing my targets. I guess that was one thing, I was frustrated. I had gotten so good with my bow and suddenly I couldn't hit anything to save my life, literally. Again.

I sat down, lacking anything better to do. Leaned back against the door and tried to figure out what they wanted to hear.

Incase your wondering I spent several hours, I think they were hours, sitting Inuyasha and trying to escape. He wouldn't budge. It was give in or stay trapped.

I had never seen him so angry before. Not about the sittings, I couldn't see him then. This morning before he locked me up, he looked at me like he looked at Miroku when he got too close to me. I was scared. He didn't hurt me though, not even when he dragged me here and threw me in.

But that line of thinking wasn't going to get me out of here, so I turned my thoughts to my current problem. With no clue what they wanted I decided that the best plan was to think backwards. And since I started with Inuyasha getting mad I'll take another step back and look at the battle. We won. I guess that is obvious though. There was no shard, just a giant Mouse youkia, about the size of a hoarse. All it had going for it was speed and teeth. Mostly speed, and a friend. I stayed back as most of the battle raged. I didn't dare raise my bow, by this point I had regressed to a point worse than when I fought the crow youkia. I didn't want to hit my friends. Sango and Miroku had been jumped on, and knocked out. I rushed to the field and pulled first Sango and then Miroku back to relative safety, almost getting squashed myself. Inuyasha cursed, but that was normal. He didn't seem mad at me, yet.

`So, then what is it?' I stared at the battle now between Inuyasha and the mouse. I was looking for a way to help. A chance to jump in. I clutched my dagger. I got a little antsy and ran in. when I started to move I noticed a slightly smaller mouse, the size of a Grate Dane charging Inuyasha from behind. I couldn't let that happen could I? I changed my direction and skidded to a halt behind Inuyasha. The mouse saw me and opened its mouth, aiming at my throat. I brought up my dagger and jammed it into the things nose. I had learned to channel my purifying power through the dagger so as long as I hit it I was ok. Mostly. The thing went up in a flash of energy, but its momentum pushed me to the ground. Inuyasha had just managed to finish off the larger one behind me. He sheathed his sword and turned on me. That was when He started to yell and curse, something about stupid risks and getting hurt. I wasn't listening, that anger in his eyes, directed at me, that had never happened before. Not even when he still hated me.

`What was he so upset about anyway? I had taken far worse risks in the past three weeks and even been injured, I wasn't even bruised this time!'

The dagger. They blamed the dagger, they said that that was when I started to act strange. They took it away as Inuyasha blockaded the window and door sealing me in. Miroku said that the dagger wasn't cursed, that it was just a normal dagger. I coulda told them that.

`Hmmm, it started with the dagger huh? Lets see, three weeks ago I was a lousy shot, I still don't understand that. How do you go backwards like that anyway?' I went over the discovery of the dagger in my mind. I was standing on the edge of the battle, another nameless youkia after the shards. It had pulled a dagger, the dagger was knocked loose and came rattling to a stop at my feet. There wasn't anything special about it, it didn't really give me the creeps. A thought struck me. `I should pick it up incase a demon gets to close.' after all arrows are difficult to stab with. So I did. Then the demon came skidding to a stop at me feet. It was about to jump up, so I thrust the dagger into its forehead, not deep just cutting the skin and sinking a little into the bone. And I purified it. No one minded then, Inuyasha even gave me one of his offhand compliments.

`The dagger huh? No, I didn't feel anything when I touched it or used it. It's just a dagger. I felt no thrill at killing the youkia, I never do. It just has to be done. Oh I am happy when I hit my mark and the youkia is gone, I don't pretend not to be. But even with the dagger there is no euphoria at taking even a youkia life. I guess that is why I always wait until things get serious before joining a battle, that and I want it to be worth the risk, or have that clear of a shot.' I traveled with too many youkia to take my power lightly.

`No it isn't the dagger' I decided, `but if not the dagger then what? Alright, I know I've been taking more risks. A dagger isn't exactly a long range weapon and I've obviously lost it with the bow!' I decided that it was the risks I had been taken that got them all upset at me.

I looked at the place were the window should be, there was no light now. `is it night already?' I stood up and yelled at the door.

"I've figured it out!" I paused, praying that someone was awake.

"Well?" came Inuyasha gruff voice.

I sighed. "let me out. I won't take risks like that anymore, I'll stick to the sidelines like a good shard detector and only hit what comes after me." `Surely he can't argue with that. I had a right to defend myself.'

There was a long silence. `I hope he didn't take offence at me calling myself a shard detector, after all that's my role in the quest. It doesn't mean we aren't friends. I know we are.' I was about to say something to that effect when he spoke again.

"Why?"

"What?" I wasn't sure what he meant by that. Why stand aside? Or why shard detector?

"Why did you do it Kagome," Inuyasha had a pleading sound to his voice. "Why did you take all those stupid risks?"

`Now you see what happens Inuyasha?' I thought bitterly at his tone, `you lock me up then think to much.'

"Kagome." Inuyasha was back to his demanding voice now.

"Give me a minute!" I yelled through the wall, "I just figured out why you were mad at me!"

I though I heard Inuyasha insult me as I resumed my position by the door. `so what isn't the problem so much as why.' I thought glumly. Why is always harder than what. I wish I was better at math, then maybe I could put two and two together.

"Lets see," What? I always talk my way through math problems. "the anger is equal to the risks, kind of, in a way, maybe? Ugh. No turning back and no second guessing. The anger is the result of the risks, the risks are the result of the dagger, the dagger is the result of…being a lousy shot suddenly. And being a lousy shot recently is the result of…." I was stumped. I realized that this is the root of the problem. Not of why I was taking the risks but why the risks were there for me to take, after I got the dagger. I realized that it would not bring me closer to the why ever one wanted but it might fall out while I thought. Like the dagger did. My first strategy worked better than the second so I returned to that.

But this was going to be harder. My abilities with the bow had been failing slowly, I had almost mastered it by the time I started to fail again. But when did it really start? I had always occasionally missed my mark, if not my target. When did it start to get bad? What happened? I remembered the first time I missed the target, a few weeks before the dagger. But nothing special had happened, I had gone home, come back and started missing.

That's when it hit me. "THIS ISN'T MATH!!" I shouted that pretty loud and felt certain that my friends would think that I had gone insane from being cooped up and free me. I waited.

Apparently I was wrong. I tried that again, `This isn't math! It's psychology!' when I had gone home I had thought about the quests, all of them. Mine, Inuyasha's, Miroku's and Sango's. Mostly though I thought about Inuyasha's quests, and my roles in them. I realized…. I realized I should start at the very beginning, and sort it out right.

"INUYASHA!" I yelled.

"Figured it out yet wench?"

"No, I need my notebook-"

"Your not in there to study!"

"I KNOW THAT! I need it to take notes, get me the blue note book, the one without anything writing in it, two of my pens and my flashlight."

There was silence and then after what seemed an eternity the boulder blocking the door moved Inuyasha stood in the doorway one hand on the rock, the other holding out what I had requested. There was a fire behind him so I couldn't see his face. Though I could have sworn I saw two sparks of amber in the absolute darkness.

I stepped forward and retrieved my stuff. "Thank you Inuyasha."

"Step back."

I did, and he rolled the rock to its place. Returning me to my forced solitude.

I laid down on my stomach and struggled with the light for a while. I should have asked for a candle. Finally the blankness of the notebook stretched before me, and slowly entered my mind.

I shook my head, this was no time for that. I had to get this down, and if it also lead to my release, which I doubted, all the better.

I remembered back, past the dagger, past my missed target and the illness immediately before. Way back to when Inuyasha told me he liked me. `ok so maybe he didn't say that he liked me, but he implied it. That he was at least my friend.' He did say that I made him feel happy and relaxed, he said that he couldn't be happy or relaxed as long as Naraku was living and Kikio was suffering. He didn't say he never could, just not now. I understood that. I wanted to be his friend anyway. Even if that was all I could be. For now.

Later I heard that Inuyasha had told Keade that if he would go to hell with Kikio if that's what she wanted, if that is what it took to bring her peace.

I didn't want that. I want Inuyasha to live. So that little tidbit was tossed into the drawer in my mind marked `stuff I've already spent too much time thinking about, but may need to come back to when I know more'. It's a long title, but that drawer has become very important to me lately. There is so much I need to do and so little I know about it. My wish for Inuyasha is in that drawer. Along with the fact that I am Kikio's reincarnation. And so much more.

Now it looked like I had to open it up again. What a mess.

I noted the important, and not too personal information in the note book, report style. I was tempted to title it `Why I Lost My Mind". But felt the humor would be lost on my friends. I wrote down that Inuyasha said that he couldn't be happy or relaxed as long as Naraku was living and Kikio was suffering, and that I wanted to be his friend anyway. And that I had heard that he was willing to go to hell if that is what it took. That was all, I wasn't sure who would see this. I didn't even know if I was on the right path.

When I was satisfied with the paragraph I spaced out again. I went back to several times after that that I had caught Inuyasha looking at me sadly. I was pretty sure that he was thinking about Kikio. I know that he can see me for me when he wants, but what if he wants to see Kikio? She's not exactly easy to find. And he doesn't have a picture or anything. Wouldn't it just be easier to look at me and ignore the Kagome bits?

Again I recorded my thoughts. No need to edit much here, everyone knows how Inuyasha feels about Kikio, and no one likes to be looked at as someone else.

I pondered on the week I was sick. Had spent a lot of time in the bathroom. That's as much as I'll say on the subject. However that illness gave me time to think, and fuzzied my mind just enough to be a little odd.

I thought about the Quests, as I said before. I had remembered that one of Inuyasha quests was to bring peace to Kikio's spirit. I had thought of that before, when my mind was clear. Long before any of this had happened. But I remembered now, uh, then, when I was sick.

I had realized that Kikio didn't have all of herself back. That is why she is so unreasonable. She isn't Kikio completely. She is just a snapshot of Kikio at the moment of her death. So she is stuck at that time, with those emotions and motivators. All her love and hate for Inuyasha. I think he is all she can feel for. And that is because I have our soul. So she doesn't have the equipment to move on. It is mine, right now. And I know that Kikio's life and lessons are in me too. It doesn't make me any less me. I am still my own person. All this I realized a long time ago.

But, in the bathroom I put it together with Inuyasha's quest for Kikio. I realized how false it was. Inuyasha couldn't bring her peace. Not by going with her or staying with her. Only I could do that. The ghost that she is now will never know peace until it is rejoined with its soul, were it can be soothed, embraced, loved and shown reason. Then she would disappear into it like she should.

I thought of two ways I could bring peace to Kikio. 1. Take her back into me. 2. Release my soul back to her.

I considered this for a while, staring at the blue green tiles of my bathroom. I thought about the first option.

take Kikio back into me. I had no idea how to do this. I guess the first step is to kill her. Or be around when she is killed and jump on the soul fraction to bring it into me. Pros; Kikio would be at peace and Inuyasha would be alive. Cons; There is no telling how it would change me, or how Inuyasha would react. Still I would like Kikio to be at peace, she suffered long enough.

Release my soul to Kikio. Less appealing to be sure, but I considered it anyway. I wasn't going anywhere for a while. Um, I guess that in this case I would die, maybe I could direct my soul to her by thinking about it in the last moments of life. Pros; Kikio may be brought peace, Kikio would stop stealing other peoples souls to survive, Kikio and Inuyasha could be together (and therefore happy), Inuyasha would not have to go to hell, Kikio (who is more knowledgeable and experienced) could take up the quest in my place. Cons; I would die.

I realized as I wrote all this down that some of the pros in number

Two, like the soul stealing thing, also worked for number one. But I was sick and not quite up to thinking. I noted that in my report as well.

However I did think, later that day in bed, that offing myself wasn't necessary. I was vastly improved at the bow, my knowledge was expanding, this whole thing was a rather shaky theory, and Kikio is dead. If she had a flesh body it might have been a close call, in my state of mind right then. But she didn't so I shook it of and thought that I had forgotten. But I had taken to me the quest of bringing Kikio peace. In part to bring her peace, and in part to save Inuyasha.

I still believe that only I can really do it. Or at least my soul.

I guess that all the thoughts hid behind that revelation and got saved to memory.

Later on when I missed my target, I never considered that it could have been the effects of my waning illness. And those thoughts started to shoot little arrows at my subconscious. My confidence began to drop, and as that happened so did my aim. Until I didn't even try. I was becoming uncertain of my place in the group. Some were inside me I thought, `Kikio would do better.'

That is when I picked up the dagger. Not why, but when. I didn't want to die. But for the quest, it looked like the best thing. That is why I didn't know why I threw myself in front of youkia when I didn't need to and could easily have been killed. It was amazing that I wasn't. It was amazing I didn't see that my reflexes had returned. It was amazing that I still doubted my self.

I really didn't want to write all of this down but I did. They had to know the reason or they wouldn't let me out.

I sat there for a while staring at the paper. Before I wrote my closing statement.

I'm sorry, I didn't know. I was trying to kill myself.