InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Broken Fates ❯ Reflections of Endless Sorrow ( Chapter 12 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

Chapter 12: Reflections of Endless Sorrow

Yasha stared down at the group below the tree, not sure what to make of the absolute dejection tainting the aura of the girl slumped into the ground. What had caused her to react like that?

Should I go down there, or wait up here? Dammit!

Staring down the great trunk of the tree, he kept his eyes trained on the group intently, deciding to let things play out, for now, but determined that if anything else happened, he would hop down and get involved immediately. He absolutely hated the fact that Kagome was hurting so badly... especially because it was his last incarnation that had caused most of the damage.

He sighed unhappily. He felt so much guilt, because, even though he himself had not hurt her, a part of him had, and he really hated that. He had spent a lot of time almost wishing that he could go back and beat the hell out of his past self for the things he'd done to Kagome - someone who had never deserved what he'd done.

It was also hard for him to sort out what he felt towards the kami. In some ways, he had a lot of anger towards them for deeming that things should be this way. The truth was, he loved Kagome enough to actually wish that she could have been with Inuyasha... if it would have made her happy, he would have dealt with the pain of losing her.

The thought hurt, of course, her being with someone else, but he would have let her go if he could have saved her some pain. It was so unjust that she had given so much to Inuyasha, and he had taken, and taken, and taken... and given her nothing but heartache and driven her almost to insanity with his constant insults, and then the final rejection. It was for all of that that he felt so guilty, and in some ways he actually questioned whether he should give her up himself.

But he knew what he knew, and he could feel the bond between them like a living thing - what shinto beliefs called the red cord of fate. It stretched between them with a strength that couldn't be broken, and part of him was so glad for that. It meant that even though he really didn't deserve her, or at least, hadn't, the last time around, he had the chance now to fix the things Inuyasha had done, to give all of himself to her.

He had every intention of giving everything he had to her, no matter what, or how much pain he would feel while waiting for her to heal. As much as he hated pain, there really was no amount of it that he could suffer that would ever compensate for what she had suffered at Inuyasha's hands...

He would gladly spend the rest of his life devoted to her and her happiness.

Only then would he be happy.

---cCc---

Immortality.

So this is the price one must pay to be immortal. The flesh dies, and the soul continues... but what makes me who I am? What made Kikyou who she was? Is there any difference at all?

I think, therefore I am. Or so they say. But maybe it is that I think, therefore, she is. And yet, if I were simply her, would I truly hate myself? Kikyou didn't hate herself, she hated me. So there has to be some difference... somewhere - doesn't there?

But if there is, why can't I find it? I feel as though I am nothing more than a reflection in a broken mirror. Is that how I am supposed to be? Would I even know the difference between myself and my reflection if I looked in that mirror?

Somehow, I don't think I would. And that was the only way he could love me... is if he looked in that same mirror and saw her looking back. Was I really willing to let him use me that way?

Am I still willing to let him use me that way?

No. I'm not. I may have to hate myself, but I don't have to let anyone else hate me like that. What I said to him was the truth. He made his choice, and there is no fate now between he and I.

Whatever destiny was between us has died, as has Kagome. There is only death here, and a broken reflection of his Kikyou.

Nothing more.

Kagome finally looked up at the three girls that had desperately been trying to gain her attention the whole time she'd been lost in her thoughts, and shook her head at them. Eyes focused, but not on the here and now so much as the past, and the distant future, she smiled, and the girls all gasped and flinched away. It was a dead woman's smile, a smile that had acceptance at its core, but no happiness... no life. It was frozen.

"I remember now. It doesn't matter, though. I will live until I can die - until fate lets me go. There is no other option, really. I have no choice," she said, softly, speaking more to herself than to her shocked friends. She didn't meet any of their eyes, seeming to prefer to look in their direction rather than at them, personally.

Ayumi choked back tears as she looked at her other two friends. That, more than anything, spoke to just how shattered her friend really was. Kagome had always met life head on, had never hidden her gaze from anyone, looking people in the eyes, challenging everyone around her not only to live, but to be alive.

All of that was gone. All of it, and it didn't look like that could ever be brought back.

Kagome stood up slowly, no real energy in her motions, only necessity, and swept an indifferent glance around the shrine. "I need to go do some thinking. About my new path in life... what I should do while I wait for my freedom to be granted. Thank you for coming over and seeing me." Her words were quiet, formal - she was a completely different person from the high-spirited Kagome that had existed before.

They all watched, stunned, as she moved away, looking so fragile, so breakable in that moment. She looked...

Brittle.

With confused and unhappy glances, the girls turned quietly and left. They would call in a few days and see how she was feeling then. Hopefully, after she'd grieved, time would patch up some of her heart and begin to bring her back to them.

It was just at the point that they were losing her, that they all realised that they needed her. Kagome had always been light, and love, and the cornerstone of everyone she'd come in contact with. She changed people, and things around her without even trying, making them better, and without her, it was like losing the sun itself.

It was dark, and cold.

The three shivered as they walked down the shrine steps and under the high red torii gate.

Winter had come in summer... a neverending night filled with bitter winds and frozen souls.

Hell couldn't possibly be any colder than this.

---cCc---

Aiko watched as a different woman entered the house than had left it earlier, and with a grim glance at Hikari, waited for her to speak. It was beyond obvious that she had gotten her memory back fully, now, and she was pretty sure that Kagome was about to lay into them with rage for forcing that bit of her soul back into her against her wishes.

So she was completely shocked when Kagome spoke, and it wasn't what she ws expecting.

"Mother, grandfather." She bowed her head formally. "I have decided not to attend university. I will instead train as a shrine maiden and take over care of the shrine when you decide to pass it on, grandfather."

Her face was blank, stoic... the wildly inappropriate thought that Kagome reminded her suddenly of Mika's father ran through Aiko's shell-shocked mind.

"But, but.. why, Kagome?" She stared at her daughter like she'd never seen her before. "You always wanted a career - and then a family. As a shrine maiden, you would forfeit that!"

Hikari watched as Kagome's expression remained frozen, and shook his head sadly. Things were not looking so good right now. That was not the destiny the kami had for Kagome, and the more the girl fought it, the harder things would be for her.

"I no longer desire to follow that path. That road is closed to me, and I will find contentment here, caring for the shrine for the rest of my days. It is... safe. That's what I want."

"Kagome... I think that you should consider talking to Mika. Get some counseling. You have been through way too much for one so young - it couldn't hurt to talk to someone about all you have seen and done." Hikari was firm - this wasn't really a request. He was the elder Higurashi, head priest for the shrine, and it was his duty to see to his granddaughter's well-being. She would obey.

Again, she bowed her head, expression unchanged. "Very well, grandfather. Although I have no interest in speaking to anyone, I will do so - but it will be around my studies, agreed?"

Hikari thought about it for a moment, ignoring the sudden death grip on his arm by Aiko. "I agree. I will begin your training in the morning - afternoons you will speak to Mika, then return to me afterwards for more shrine duties."

Kagome bowed again. "I understand, grandfather. If you will excuse me, I would like to go take a nap. Regaining ones memory takes a lot out of a person." She turned and made her way out of the room and up the stairs, quietly closing her bedroom door behind her.

As soon as the lock clicked, Aiko spun around to meet Hikari's gaze. "We can't let her be a shrine maiden, father! That isn't her destiny, and we both know that!"

He patted her hand comfortingly. "Yes, daughter... but," he gave her a sly look, then winked, "just because I begin lessons doesn't mean that I will finish them. Let her begin training. This will give her what she needs most right now, Aiko. Time. She will heal from all this, but she needs more time - and that, we have a lot of if we do things this way. Plus, as I give her what she wants right now, she does what we want - she talks to Mika."

Aiko nodded slowly, understanding where he was coming from suddenly, and sighed deeply. "I see." She looked over at him again, then towards the phone. "I probably should go call Mika, then, and let her know about her new patient."

Hikari nodded at her, then passed out into the living room, intent on heading back into the shrine. He had a lot of thinking to do to be ready for tomorrow.

A lot of thinking, and even more meditating.

---cCc---

Mika sat back at her desk with a deep sigh. She'd just gotten off the phone with Aiko, and, once again, Kagome had not reacted the way she should have to the return of her memories. But at least now she wouldn't have to take the trip out there this evening - she knew enough to report to her father.

Nothing this young woman does is expected, she thought with a tired chuckle, before standing and reaching for her purse. Time to go home... but first, a visit to father. I wonder what his reaction will be?

Within minutes she was on her way to her father's estates, office locked and staff sent home. She didn't think he was going to be too happy with the way the miko's mind seemed to be heading - if there was one thing that would be guaranteed to anger him, it would be the thought of her giving up, merely existing rather than living.

She had no idea just how right she was. The moment she told him what Kagome's decision had been, and what her state of mind was, he was out the door, and on the way to the shrine, more anger in his eyes than she could remember seeing there for many years.

The truth was, her father was in love with the miko. He had been for centuries, but had also known that she wasn't for him. It wouldn't work. He was Lord, he needed a youkai mate, for full-blooded heirs... his children couldn't be hanyou. On top of that, he knew of her love for his brother, and he knew of her destiny as the lifemate of another. So he had let all thoughts of anything other than caring go, and done what he needed to do. He had found himself a youkai mate, and sired his heirs.

It didn't matter even now that he had heirs, or that his mate had passed on. No youkai would, even in this day and age, accept a ningen as Lady, and so even if she had been unclaimed, it wouldn't have been allowed to happen - her life would have been in constant danger, and so, he would never risk it. He could love her, in silence, and from afar, he could care for her as a soon-to-be member of the family, but that was all.

No one, not even the most anti-ningen, would deny that she was perfectly acceptable as a mate for his however many times great-nephew, and an excellent ally. She was a powerful miko, and that was enough to make her blood strong enough to all for his brother's line... just not for his own. But as a member of the Inu clan, he could and would do everything to protect her - no one would see that as wrong.

It was the only way he could care for her.

Mika had known for years how he felt about the little miko, and had never said a word about it - not even to her father. It was a painful subject for him, she was sure, and she didn't wish to hurt him any further over it. Kagome could never be his, and he knew it... it was enough. There was no need to speak of it.

An idle thought wandered through her mind... What would Yasha say if he knew? What would Inuyasha have said if he'd ever found out?

It's probably best not to know. She chuckled at that... maybe best not to know, but I bet it would have been entertaining to see Inuyasha's face if he'd found out. He would never have believed it. But then again...

Maybe he would have. He knew how extroardinary Kagome has always been - if any ningen was to catch my father's attention, it would be her. And even she has never known how he felt. He made sure of that, because he would never accept her pity.

Mika pulled into the closest spot she could to the shrine steps and sighed. So much for going home. Who knew just what her father was going to do? He would never allow Kagome to wander within herself for very long - he would poke, and prod, and even threaten until he brought her back - until he brought her back to herself. And then, he would send her to Yasha, and stand back and watch her be happy.

It would always be that way. Fate was cruel sometimes, and it had been to the Western Lord...

It had given Sesshoumaru power, wealth beyond imagining, strong heirs... and in return, had taught him to love - and taken what he'd loved, and given it to someone else.

Fate was a bitch, in Mika's opinion. The whole thing was a tragedy of errors, wrong on every level, from Inuyasha's torture of the girl and his desertion, and her father's love, yet inability to ever have her....

To Kagome's suffering itself. It almost seemed as if the kami were being deliberately cruel.

---cCc---

Sesshoumaru was raging. He would not allow her to lose herself in her own mind, or her soul. It would not happen, no matter what. He would challenge her, he would fight with her, do whatever it took to make her wake back up and live again.

He was fully aware that while he would always love her, he could never have her, and he was okay with that. He'd had centuries to accept that fact. But he would be damned if he couldn't claim her in at least some way - even if it was merely as a clan mate upon her mating to his nephew. One way or another, she would be a part of the Inu clan, and someday, her blood would flow through parts of it. It was all of her he could have, and it would be enough.

He could honor her, for her honor. For the things she'd done for all of them. But that's all he could ever do. So honor her he would - even if he had to frighten her to do so.

So angered that he didn't even notice the drive, he came back to himself when he finally got his car parked, and flying up the steps of the shrine, he stopped at the top and flared his aura, searching out her reiki. The moment he found it, he was on the roof and heading for her window.

He yanked it open and stepped through, as she turned and faced him, quite calm, even in his raging presence, and he stared, having a hard time with what he was seeing.

"So, they spoke the truth, miko. You have taken the cowards way out, and now, you resemble nothing so much as my bastard half-brother's mate," he hissed, eyes narrowed.

Kagome gazed at him steadily, not reacting one bit to the taunt. "Ah, Sesshoumaru. To what do I owe the honor?" Her voice was lightly mocking, not intimidated one tiny bit... just like she never had been before. There was no fear.

I will have to change that, miko... if the only way this Sesshoumaru can get you to wake is through fear, then I will do so.

Letting his aura flare higher, he dropped his ningen disguise, and eyes tinting red, he said, "I had thought you had more courage than this, onna, than to let yourself die because the half-breed chose another! If you are so intent on dying, then I will give you that. No one needs the presence of a coward."

She tilted her head, a slight frown on her face. "Who told you I was trying to die? I have no plans to do so - I am merely planning to train as a shrine maiden. I don't get what your problem with that is, Sesshoumaru - or really, what business of yours it is, either."

He snarled at her, snapping his fangs. "For you, that is death, onna, and you know it. You were not meant for such. There is another destiny in store for you, one that is at the side of my nephew, and you are not merely hurting yourself with your actions, but him as well, and that, I cannot and will not allow!"

"I am afraid, Sesshoumaru, that that is where you are wrong. As I have said before, my destiny is my own, and tied to no one but me. I will not be coerced into being with someone because a bunch of fools believe that I am somehow tied to his soul."

He closed his eyes, clenching his hands in a futile effort to control his anger at her. "I should kill you, miko. You are not the onna I knew five hundred years ago at all." He opened his eyes and stared at her, and something inside shuddered for a moment. There was no fear in her.

She shrugged and turned away from him. "Then do so. It matters not to me." She was taunting him with the formality, and he knew it. He would not fall into her trap.

"Why do you not fear, priestess?"

At that, she glanced over her shoulder at him, surprise in her gaze. "Why should I fear something that comes to all of us sooner or later? Death is not the end... it is a release from the pain and suffering that only life can bring. Death is peace, Sesshoumaru. Why should I fear it?"

And then, he understood. Staring at her, his aura settled, and he blinked, shocked.

"You do not fear death, miko... you fear life! It is life that haunts your
dreams and makes them nightmares, isn't it?"

She nodded, looking away again.

"Finally, you understand."

How do you leave a nightmare behind, when the nightmare is life itself?

---cCc---

A/N: For all those who might want to start screaming, no this is not a Sess/Kag story. The only reason that this chapter introduces Sesshoumaru's true feelings towards Kagome is so that everyone understands why he's so determined to help her. She will end up with Yasha - that's what this story is about, after all. It's about the healing process Kagome goes through after all she has been through... and the same process for Yasha, that finally leads them to where they need to be.

This is also not a Sesshoumaru bashing fic... it's not a bashing anyone fic. It is an ANGST fic. That's why there is a lot of ANGST.

Just wanted to make all that clear so everyone understands where I am with this.

Amber