InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ By Hate and Love ❯ By Hate and Love ( One-Shot )

[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]

Author Note: Another one-shot and this one have been bugging my mind for quite some time now. It's been some time since I went down so deeply into feelings like this one... or at least it feels like it. This story was so emotionally loaded that I was shocked when I read through the beginning. I wanted to bring out another view of Sesshoumaru's and InuYasha's relationship and that is where this title came from but I never thought it would turn out like this. I don't want to spoil to much right now since it's a one-shot so I will leave you to read this little piece of text on your own while I go back to whatever it was that I were doing.

Warning: Incest. Yaoi. Angst. Death.

Pairing: Sesshoumaru x InuYasha.

Disclaimer: I don't own InuYasha or Sesshoumaru.

Read, Enjoy and Review. All reviews of happiness, love, joy and other thoughts are welcomed.

By Hate and Love
By Monkan

I hated him. That was all I had done my whole life. I hated him for being weak and at the same time sharing fathers strong blood. He was the stain of the family, the disgrace, the unwanted child and I hated him more than anything. Never once while he was alive did I feel anything else but hatred for him and I wanted him dead with all my soul.

Every time I looked at him I was reminded of all the things I hated, all over and over again and it made sure that I would never make the same mistakes as my own father. When I met him I attacked him or provoked him into attacking me, giving me a reason to kill him. There were nothing but hatred between us. I'm sure there was never any other emotion from him than fear, anger and hatred. I didn't want anything to do with a half-breed. I never accepted him into our family. For as long as he lived I hated him with such passion you could almost call it love but that wasn't right. I never once loved, not because we shared some looks, not because he had fathers blood in his veins, not because we were related, not because he was a strong ally, and certainly not because we were brothers. I never once loved him, all I did was hate him.

He died at a young age, barely an adult in youkai standards, I wasn't even there. I heard of his death two days later and sought out his dead body to get rid of all the evidence that he even existed. When I got there I found him easily, he looked like he was just sleeping but I knew that he was dead. I couldn't hear his heart beating nor him breathing. It was odd for of all the times I tried to kill him he somehow managed to survive. I was ready to put poison into his body that would make it rot away in a matter of seconds when she appeared before us.

I never had seen that human before, it was none of the foolish humans he used to travel with. I don't know what she did but she put some sort of curse on me.

She said that 'as long as I who shared the same blood as this brave youngling were alive he would be reborn over and over again by my blood and flesh to live the life he was denied.'

And then she vanished. She probably hadn't been more than a ghost, the remaining spirit of some witch or miko that he tried to save while he was still alive, I don't know but after that I got rid of his body and it didn't leave a trace behind. Even then I felt nothing but comtempt and anger toward him. He was nothing but trouble until the end. I didn't miss him or took his death hard as some humans would had but I went on with my life. Even though he was dead I was still alive and I had a duty toward our blood to keep the line alive and prosper.

I ruled for many years alone before I found a wife.

She wasn't that much to mention but she was able to give me a heir and that was all that mattered to me. But it was only then that I understood that ghosts word to their full length. For our first born was a son, but no son that I thought I would see again. It was true as the witch had said, InuYasha was reborn from my flesh and blood. I would had thrown him away but my wife kept him against my better judgement. She was a full demon too so I never understood why she would want a child that looked like a half-breed. I never told her why I hated my own son so much. I tried to have another child but no matter what I did I was never able have one more child beside InuYasha. That is, until he died.

It was a foolish ambush by some human bandits. Both InuYasha and my wife were killed but I felt no remorse for them. More years passed until I could take another mate and even though she too was from a high standing family, even if our kind were thinning out now because of the humans. We understood each other much better than my first wife and she wouldn't be killed because of some stupid reason.

She tried with all her might to give me the heir I needed and I admired that of her. She didn't love me and I didn't love her and that was all right. I couldn't love anyone after all. When she finally gave me a child I thought that finally I could breath out but this time too... the child that were born was InuYasha. Once again I was reminded of the hatred I held for him and my mate sensed it too. She didn't really love her child either because of his half-breeding looks and she held contempt toward her own child and when he was old enough to walk he was thrown away. He was thrown out of the family and out of my life. The hundred years we shared after that made everything clear to me of what the curse placed upon me were.

The first child I had and the only child I would ever have would be InuYasha. While InuYasha was alive I wouldn't be able to have any other children until he died and after that he would once again be reborn as my child. An endless cycle of rebirth and deaths.

After five wives and no success in trying to break the curse I gave completely up on having a heir. It would be impossible for me and since I even now never felt anything akin to love for InuYasha I left him to die in the world each time he was reborn.

Our kind slowly went into hiding as the humans made progress with their lives and how they lived. Some of us became a part of their world as it grew. I was one of them. Since I couldn't have a heir or family I wandered around aimlessly through out the world. My land had long since fallen apart due to the changes of time and with the little number of demons around it wasn't surprising that humans were living there now. My castle changed to ruins and I left behind everything I ever had. Rin were long since dead and so were Jaken. Even Ah-Un were dead. There were no one left alive to know my true self and identity.

I was quite amused by the humans and their emotions. Some preriods of their time I melted in quite well and other times I hide to keep from getting attention. But I noticed that each time I walked in broad daylight the humans would look after me, as if to make sure they had really seen me. It was annoying at first but then I got used to it. My standards changed to and I didn't have the same feelings for humans as I did 300 years ago. Being alone for 300 years left me starving for contact and since there were very little of us left I became like my father, my lover was a human girl. There wasn't anything special between us and I left as soon as our child were born. InuYasha. For some reason InuYasha never lived to be older that 19, the age he were when he first died, of course counted in human standards. It continued like that for many years, I took a human as mate for a little company and when our child were born I left them. It might had been cruel but since I had lived longest of all living creatures left alive I had no problem leaving them behind. My hatred for InuYasha were still the same and I never once loved him as I saw him. It didn't matter to me what happened to him after I left. What life he lived, it was none of my concern.

That is... after my 21th human wife. By then it had all come as a routine for me. But she somehow knew that I wasn't of her world but she said that she somehow wanted me to be happy. I would had laughed... There had been few things in my life that had made me happy. Ever since I was born as the heir of a Demon Lord and until now I had never truly loved anyone. I doubt that I even loved my own parents. When she got pregnant I was ready to leave once again but this time something happened that I wasn't ready for, a breech birth... two months to early. I had planned to spend two more months with her until the child were born before I left but this sudden turn of event made all my plans a memory only. During my years with my wives I had never once been with them as InuYasha were born. I had from time to time watched from behind a window or waited outside the room but never been with them. This time she had no one but me there. I guided her through it but it were so much more blood than before that I knew she wouldn't live for long after this.

It was then I caught InuYasha in my hands as he were born into the world. It was my hands that held him for the first time ever and even as my wife passed away I felt how my heart began to make room for this little creature that were both my little brother but also and now mostly my son.

I can't say that I loved him but I also can't say anymore that I hated him. For the first time I watched over him as he grew up. I wasn't exactly the model father and I didn't know what to do from time to time. And when InuYasha died in a fire at the early age of 19 I felt a string of sorrow in my heart.

For the first time I felt that I wanted to give InuYasha the chance to live life like he never had before. To live and hopefully to live beyond 19.

No one ever knew that by now I was over 1450 years but every time I moved there were new faces that didn't know me, it was easy to fool them all. I tried a few times to live with my human mate and InuYasha but I found that I couldn't. After that I always left with InuYasha in my arms.

I became a father that were proud of my son. With each event in his lives that I spent with him I felt more and more how important he were to me now. Every time he died I felt worse and I began to wish that he got the chance to live past 19 but each prayer were unheard and I always lost him. Be it illness, accidents, human nature or any other way to die it always took him from me.

I even shed my first tears over InuYasha's death. I knew that he could easily be reborn but it still hurt when he died. I couldn't leave his body to be buried in a mortals grave so I always returned briefly to my castle with either his body or his ashes and I buried them on a single place each time. A place that would only be InuYasha's grave no matter how many times I burried him there.

I came to love InuYasha. At first as one of my blood and family but later that love grew more dangerous and I started to desire him. He looked no different from his first life and I started to think about many things. How would our lives had turned out if I loved him back then when his life weren't a cycle of death and rebirth? That was one of my questions. My hate had faded away into a pale memory and what filled my heart now each time I looked at InuYasha was love. I loved him more than I should but he never loved me more than his father. He even hated me from time to time but he were raised in a human world so that wasn't really surprising still... it hurt when he did. I told him that his mother had left him with me and what else I said after that he took rather well... most of the time.

I always had to hide my feelings behind a mask and this was no different but the more I tried to hide and deny it the more I loved him. I could never tell anyone my feelings for I would be hunted down by humans for my 'impure' and 'wrong' feelings. If InuYasha said he loved me no one would think twice about it since he was just a child... and mine... but if I said it I was sure they would find out and take InuYasha from me. So I never said it.

Then one day it all came to change. The desire I had pushed aside for hundreds of years was noticed by InuYasha. He was barely 17 and he came to me one morning and said he loved me before kissing my lips. I pushed him away. I slapped him and barked at him to never do that again. I crushed his heart and ran away from home.

I was heart broken. I knew my actions were wrong to hurt him but what could I do at this point. The humans had taken the world from the demons. Our way of life were forgotten and we lived in a human society. Incest were the biggest of all crimes. No one accepted it. No one would look at us as if we were sane or even... humans. It didn't matter to me what they thought but InuYasha never remembered his previous lives and so he shouldn't remember his first life. Even if I love him more than anything in the world, even if he is my world that makes no change to the fact that my love were wrong in 'this' world. So I had to protect him from myself. Even though my heart bleed tears of sorrow it were for the best. At least that's what I thought.

InuYasha didn't return that night and not the night after that. I didn't see him for two full weeks and when he finally returned I was so happy to see him that I gathered him in my arms and held him close. I know I heard him say that he was sorry for running away but it didn't matter anymore. I had him in my life again after I were so close to losing him it didn't matter what he said or that I should appologize. All we needed were each other.

No one more.

When we were alone InuYasha continued to say that he loved me and even though I couldn't say the words for my own fears were still there under the surface I held him. I held him in my arms when no one were watching. I held him like a lover... like a mate.

I had never felt so at peace before. As I held him I felt more at peace than I had ever before.

I held him. I kissed him. I even touched him but I never took it past that. I never took it past that for I knew that if I did there would be no return. I would lose myself so completely to InuYasha that I would commit the most severe of all crimes.

I would never let him go.

As InuYasha came closer to 19 I became nervous and anxious. Would I lose him again like I always did? Would he leave me against my will? The closer he came to 19 the more desperate I became and with each day my desire for him grew. I might even had scared him now and then when my more demonic instincts too control. But he still loved me even when he tried to deny how much when I asked him.

Then one night we stepped over the line. It was the day before his 19 birthday and that night I held him in my embrace just like in my dreams. We touched each other intimately. We kissed all over each others bodies. Our hands didn't let go of each other as the night were spent in my bed. It was hot, wet and so much more than I can put into words. As our bodies were connected so were our souls and our hearts beat the same. InuYasha's body arched and whimpered under mine and the sweet taste of him made my senses overload. I could barely believe it was happening. It even felt like a sacred ritual. Each touch had a meaning and each thrust had a purpose. The desire and pleasure we experienced that night were beyond that of the mortal world. It belonged only to us and it didn't matter it was a curse that kept us together from the start. I love him with everything that I was and am. I even said the words; I love you.

It was also during that night that I realized that no matter how many times he were reborn he would always be my little brother. My dear little brother whom I forsake so long ago. It doesn't matter that he is my son now. I love him so much more than those simple connections of blood.

InuYasha were first my little half-brother and then he became my son but above all he will always be my lover that were the only one who captured my heart.

-.-.-.-.-

The page of the book were flipped over and on the next page began a different and more messy handwriting than the elegant one that had adored the pages up until now.

The next day as I entered my 19th year of living it would be the last time I ever saw him. I were on my way back from school when I suddenly saw my father coming closer to me I was happy to see him. When he reached me his hands came out as if to embrace me right there and then and I secretly hoped that he would. But he pushed me away. With his strength it was easy and as I landed on the ground I heard the shrieking of wheels and the sound of death.

I saw with my own eyes how my father were hit by the car and how he were flung away as the car came to a dead stop. I saw him hit the cement road with a sickening sound and my sensitive ears picked up the sudden and startled gasp that left his mouth. I hardly remember anything after that... the next thing I saw were his body lying motionless on his side as if he had fallen asleep. I screamed. That's all I remember... I screamed his name at the top of my lungs. I tried to bring him back to me but he wouldn't wake up. He never woke up after that and I never heard him say 'I love you' ever again.

He will never sign in this book again and that is why I'm completing the story. I found out everything about us and him when I read through this book. I was startled, scared... even angry. He had never told me any of his life and everything we had been through. I find it hard to believe even but if I were to deny it then I would deny that he even existed. And that is something I can't do.

So here is the rest of my tale; At his death I broke down and I never found another being that I loved like him. It was also later after I found out the truth about us that my demon blood awaken. I didn't age or change much after that. I was facing an eternity without him.

I want everyone that reads this book to know that I truly loved him. Not because he were my father or because we shared the same blood one way or another. I loved him as one would love a lover. People fall in love with strangers all the time so why can't I love someone that I know? Perhaps it were against the rules but that didn't mean my feelings were untrue. I never knew such a deep love could exist.

Lately I've started to remember things from my past. I think one of them is from my first life with him because he looks at me with such hatred in his eyes and they are so cold that I don't want to remember them. Maybe this was all meant to happen... to open out eyes. He for his unloving heart and me for my denial of what I felt. Even if we both hated each other in our first lives it has changed now. Our hatred have been molded into something new and stronger. It has given us a bond that can't be broken.

It might be foolish but I will look for him. Somewhere in this world he may be reborn and if that is true I want to find him again. Even if he doesn't remember me and even if he doesn't love me anymore I want to be there with him. Maybe he will hate me and maybe I will hate him, but I also know now that even though we hate each other we also love each other. We were given this love for a reason and I want to know what it is. Even if I'm not meant to find him I will look for him. As I was reborn from his flesh and blood for a reason I'm sure he will have a reason to be reborn for me.

I know he always loved me... why else would he always have given me the name I was born with as his brother!

By hate and love, as I walk through this life and the next, I reach out to gasp ahold, of the hand that were always holding mine. By this hate and love, our lives were formed, and by this hate and love we will be given chances, and we will make our redemption through the passing time to come. For by this hate and love we will continue to hate and love each other until the end of time.

The End.