InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ By The River of Shadowed Moments ❯ Sinner Take All ( Chapter 4 )

AN: Thank you to my new beta, Dragoninu, for helping me revise this chapter.

 

"Is there something you need from me?
Are you having your fun?
I never agreed to be
Your holy one."

"Barrel of a Gun" by Depeche Mode

 

By the River of Shadowed Moments

Chapter Four: Sinner Take All

 

Kagome felt amazing.

She had forgotten how she had always taken advantage of the fact that she lived in another world, away from the Warring States period. She didn't even belong there, and she felt that more now than ever. She basked in the privilege that she may be unloved in that other world, but things were different in her own. When her mother embraced her after coming back yesterday, she finally felt like she was home, and the rotten realities of the other world drifted from her mind like a dream.

Not so many people had the opportunity to run away from their worlds. If they fucked up, they had to deal with it. She, on the other hand, could just run away. Knowing she belonged HERE in modern times made her feel less ashamed of running away at all.

She scrunched her face in anger in the contours of her pink pillow. "All I have to do is find the damn jewel. So what if they hate me; from now on I'm there just to collect the jewel and not make happy, pure faces at them all the time."

She rolled onto her back and stared at her ceiling. Internally, she could say that, but she frowned anyway. She had liked her role as the good girl of the group, the one with the least depressing problems. "I mean, everyone is isolated in their own way. Everyone has their own demons. Am I so different?"

She sighed in disgust as she remembered everyone's disappointed faces in regards to her situation. 'Some friends they turned out to be.' Most good friends would understand and forgive if they cared. Their reaction to her situation seemed evident that they really didn't consider her after all.

"Look at me. I'm Kagome from the future with wonderful things and the reincarnated soul of a powerful and pure miko. Yep, I'm so wonderfully pure that I don't have any problems at all." The muscles in her face tensed even more, and tears ebbed at her eyes. "I'm not supposed to make mistakes like Sango with her unhealthy obsession with her younger brother. I mean, she did steal the Tetsusaiga, sided with Naraku once, and even knocks Miroku into unconsciousness every day. She's so PERFECT!" Kagome rolled her eyes, her voice getting louder yet still without an audience. "And then there's Miroku, who hits on women constantly, steals, lies, cheats....everything in the book! The judge would throw away the key if he ever tried Miroku!"

She looked around the room, her anger rising. She fought back her tears, and pursed her lips in anger. "Let's not forget about Inuyasha, who's two-timed me ever since we've been together. He's always known how I've felt, but he's never done anything about it! And with Kikyou, she's dead for crying out loud! What does he hope to accomplish by always meeting her in secret? I mean, I don't know what they do together when they sneak off. I can't believe I put up with that." She shook her head. The anger and tension swelled low in her stomach, but it would always go away. She couldn't stay angry at anyone for very long. She forgave people all the time. She would even forgive Sesshoumaru for uncovering their plan if he apologized.

Her eyes glossed over in a haze. The ceiling didn't seem so defined anymore as she let the tears bubble up over her eyes. She saw his face hover over her like a ghost. For the past few times they've seen each other, even in times of discourse, she could still remember the budding emotions on his face.

She had never seen so many emotions on that man's face before.

His low betrayed voice stuck the walls inside her ears. 'If it meant nothing to you...'

Her eyes widened as things were sinking in. She had seen it. The Great Sesshoumaru had experienced an emotional reaction to her relationship with Inuyasha. In his eyes she had seen such fire and rage, but not that of someone who was losing a possession, but as someone really losing something very important.

Her lips quivered as she felt a sob rising.

They had experienced their first emotions together, and she had trampled on it in front of his brother. He had heard them and interpreted the last meetings as unimportant to her. But that wasn't the case.

If she could only explain...

And the last time seeing him, she was so angry and drawn within herself she had no will to explain herself to him. She lashed out at him, proclaiming her hate and begging him to kill her.

Feeling the soft bed and the warm reminder of her mother's embrace, Kagome couldn't believe she had come to that point. She certainly didn't want to die now, but she didn't want to leave either. She wanted to stay at home forever and forget everything.

But something inside her tugged on her conscience. There were still things she had to do.

"Kagome!" her mother yelled from downstairs. Kagome was jarred out of her reverie. "Your friend Ayumi is on the phone!"

Kagome blinked, and then a smile widened on her face. Her friends... how she missed them.

"Thanks, Mom! I'll pick up here!" Kagome ran to her phone on her nightstand and picked up the receiver. "Hello?" She heard her mother click the phone on the other end.

"Kagome? How are you feeling?" Ayumi asked with worry in her voice. Kagome's cheeks reddened with warmth and excitement.

"Good! I'm going to school tomorrow!" Kagome said with an anxious voice.

"That's great! I'm so glad you're feeling better. We've been worried about you. Your grandpa said you were sick with both the measles and rheumatism. I'm glad you're over that," Ayumi said. Kagome inwardly laughed at the illnesses on Grandpa's current excuse list.

"Yep! Never felt better! So...how's school been?" Kagome asked hungry for any gossip.

"Oh, not much. I think Eri's finally getting the courage to tell Hojo how she feels, but that boy just can't get over you!" Ayumi giggled, and Kagome let out a chuckle. "With you coming back tomorrow, it will be even more difficult for her to confess."

Kagome smiled, feeling her energy coming back to her at full force, "Tell you what, I'll help out. I'll finally tell Hojo straight out about my boyfriend."

Ayumi squealed on the other end of the phone. Kagome's smile faded, but remained lightly at the joy of talking to her friend. "Are you going to tell me some great news about you and you guy?"

Kagome chuckled again. "Don't worry, Ayumi. I've got loads of things to tell you guys. Just wait."

Kagome felt a hitch in her stomach, but tried to push it away. She didn't know if she should tell her friends about her strange affair with her "boyfriend's" brother. Yet, she remembered them always lecturing her about how she was too good for him and that she let him get away with too many bad things. Despite their advice and unhappiness with her choice, they still supported her even when they didn't like it.

"That's what true friends are about," Kagome said after Ayumi hung up with her. Kagome settled back into her bed with a merry sigh.

 

When Kagome got to school and changed shoes, her friends came running up to her giggling and beaming with jubilant faces. They grabbed her and locked arms with her, leading her to class. Her heart swelled at how amazing her friends' acceptance felt. In this time, she really felt she did belong. Their presence had almost washed away all the bad stuff that had happened during her last visit to Edo Japan.

Almost.

After school, the girls had dragged her along to a treat at their favorite fast food joint, telling stories of new and old, and dreaming about good grades and career dreams. Eri spoke up shyly to reveal her feelings of Hojo to Kagome.

"Well, I know you aren't interested in him, Kagome, since you already have a boyfriend. And Hojo is by no means bad looking..." Eri stuttered, fidgeting with her hands. Kagome smiled gently at her actions. She was jealous of Eri, experiencing such feelings and playing them out so innocently. Kagome didn't feel innocent any more.

"He's the most popular boy in school! Who doesn't want him?" Yuka proclaimed, chomping on a piece of her hamburger.

"Yeah, but face it, ladies, the guy is dense," Ayumi said with her mouth full. Her friends nodded. "If only he knew that a certain girl here was attached already, then maybe Eri would have a chance."

"Right!" Yuka said defiantly, slurping on her shake. Kagome sighed.

"That's for sure," Eri said, looking at Kagome with pleading eyes. She pointed her finger at Kagome with mock anger. "Kagome, you have to tell that knucklehead that you're not interested and have someone already! That poor dope shouldn't be deluded any further."

Yuka laughed and Ayumi wore a big grin.

"Right, I don't mind talking to Hojo about that for sure, it's just that..." Kagome hesitated, and caught their attention quickly. Inquiring eyes pierced into her like swords.

Ayumi took a deep breath and shouted, "KAGOME! What's going on? Don't tell me you're not together? Did he cheat on you?"

"Well..." Kagome's face became unreadable. Her friends sat back in the booth, their backs rigid for some impending news.

"You see, I wasn't sure if he was really cheating or not, so I sorta...stopped being romantic with him," Kagome said, in the best possible translation she could muster. Her friends were glued to her for more details. "And...then we kinda had some outside issues ..." 'Naraku, for one,' Kagome mused to herself. "And I was quite lonely, and then suddenly..."

Her friends' eyes were that of a school of guppies. Kagome chuckled weakly. "His really gorgeous brother came along and well, we developed a strange friendship," Kagome said, feeling anxiety build up within her. Her friends' faces paled, and their mouths were agape.

"Wait...his brother???!!!! The one you told us about that is like, ten times worse then your boyfriend?" Kagome nodded, still wearing a twisted fake smile. She heard a collective sigh from them, and Yuka slouched back in her chair.

Ayumi, eyes still intense, had the bravado to ask her, "So what kind of friendship was this?"

Kagome almost fell out of her booth. She waved her hand in the air and said, "Well, we started a friendship in a way that led to some strange benefits, and then it got kinda serious at the end, but both of us were kinda confused about our feelings ..."

"Strange benefits!" Eri's jaw had dropped again, her face turning into a crimson blush. "What did you do, Kagome?"

"Did you fool around with him?" Ayumi asked. Kagome slumped in her booth and wore a face of defeat. Ayumi was always the blunt one. Kagome nodded in response.

Though, instead of collective sighs of disappointment, she heard high-pitched squeals of entertainment instead.

"Oh my GOD!" Yuka burst. She fanned herself, and Kagome couldn't help but inwardly laugh. Yuka blinked at her. "And you said this guy was hot?"

"Uh...majorly, beyond international model hot," Kagome confirmed.

"Who does he look like? Anyone famous?" Eri asked giggling. The girls were squeezing their hands together in pure excitement to each and every word out of Kagome's mouth.

Kagome pondered for a moment. Sesshoumaru wasn't human, and he certainly didn't look Japanese with golden eyes and long silver hair. He looked very otherworldly. "Well, he has bleached blonde hair past his waist and really light hazel eyes. His skin is really light. He's really tall, and he works out a lot. He practices...kendo, so he's really agile but strong. And he has some interesting tattoos on his face and arm and..." she blushed, and stopped herself as Eri chuckled. "He doesn't really resemble anyone in particular though."

She looked over to see stars in her friend's eyes as they pictured him.

"So how far did you get with this guy?" Yuka asked, elbowing her teasingly. Kagome blushed.

"Well, let's not get into that," Kagome said. Her friends sighed in disappointment.

"So what's the problem? You seem to have found a great guy," Ayumi said nonchalantly.

"Well, his brother found out about us, and was not happy," Kagome said bluntly. Eri almost spit out her drink.

"Oh my god! You two timed the two timer!" Yuka announced. Kagome shushed her too keep her voice down in the restaurant while others were looking at her with stunned faces.

"Well, she wasn't really with him," Ayumi pointed out. "He had two timed her so much that they grew apart. It was only natural she seek comfort somewhere else."

Eri nodded. "Right, and the way he treated you, I was surprised you didn't search sooner."

Yuka looked at Kagome and saw sadness in her face. 'If they knew the whole truth, would they then think I'm terrible?' she asked herself. Although, she did tell them the gist of everything. "It got pretty serious."

Yuka nodded. "Yeah. You seem a lot more grown up lately, Kagome." Kagome turned and looked at her friend. She was smiling. "So, you messed around a bit with his brother. Big deal. It's not like that jerk didn't have it coming. And things are going well with the brother?"

Kagome sighed. "That's the problem. I care about them both," she admitted freely. "But now, I'm at a standstill. Inuyasha, my ex or boyfriend or friend, or whatever, thinks I've betrayed him. He looks at me like I'm dirty. His brother feels ashamed of me as well. You see, I'm not really his ideal woman, and he probably feels it to be wrong to have feelings for me."

Yuka slammed her drink on the table. "Damn it! How dare that creep consider you dirty after the way he's treated you!"

"But YOU guys don't think I'm dirty...do you?" Sadness ebbed in Kagome's voice. Eri sighed.

"Of course not. You weren't messing around with both of them, or even worse, three or four guys at the same time. You were seeing one exclusively, even if the other one thought you were supposed to be with him," she snorted. "Stop worrying about it. If he can't forgive you that, then he's not worth it, especially after all the mistakes he's made."

Ayumi nodded. "That's right! Everyone makes mistakes. Nobody's perfect, Kagome, not even you."

"Ha!" Yuka said, "Kagome IS perfect. She's got hot guys chasing after her." Then she winked at Kagome.

"Besides, Kagome, this is 2005, Japan isn't what it used to be. People now aren't as innocent as they used to be. Take for example, all those kogals in Shibuya. You're life is waaaaay more proper compared to theirs," Eri countered, earning laughs from the girl's at the table.

"Thanks, you guys. You always know what to say," Kagome said, presenting them with a confident smile. Yuka patted her shoulder and nodded.

Kagome felt warmth and acceptance wash over her, never wanting the feeling to end. This was how real friends were supposed to be like.

Someone waiting outside stopped Kagome as she and the girls left the fast food place.

"Hojo-kun!" she said, surprised at his sudden appearance. He gave her a sheepish grin. She sagged her shoulders thinking of Eri.

"Kagome, Eri told me that you wanted to talk to me," he said. Kagome looked at him, smiled, and then nodded lightly.

"Yes, I think we should talk about what's going on between us," Kagome said bluntly. Hojo blushed. She saw him swallow nervously. Kagome sighed. "C'mon, let's sit down over in the park."

Hojo looked over at the sunset full of saturated colors. His words seemed to be trapped by the silence between them.

"Listen, Hojo-kun," Kagome said finally, "I know how you feel about me."

He said nothing, but he averted his gaze to look at her. His muscles visually tensed in anxiety.

"Look, I don't know how else to say this, but I'm already seeing someone. And you can't keep shooting down the obvious signals that it's true." Kagome felt a weight fall off her shoulders. Hojo slumped back in the bench, but he was smiling in relief. She heard a breath escape his breath.

"Hojo-kun? Are you okay?" Kagome asked worriedly.

"Well, not really," he said, his heart breaking, "But it feels better knowing then to continue with this charade. I'm sorry if I ever seemed bothersome, Higurashi."

She shook her head. "Not at all. In fact, I'm flattered that a nice good-looking guy like you would go for me, but the problem is, I'm one of those romantic types. I've always known that someone is waiting only for me, and I'm sorry if that person can't be you. I just know, I'll find him when I see him." She looked pensively at the sunset. The night sky was invading the rich colors of a fading afternoon. The blue was as dark as a river. She smiled as the moon called to her deepest feelings.

"I understand," he said sadly, but his voice ringing with resolve. "Though I see you probably already have found that person."

She looked at him with an unreadable face. "I thought I did, once. Now, I'm not so sure."

Hojo looked at her with concern, mirroring the way he felt when he gave her gifts and advice about her health, only this time, she knew he was considering her now as only a friend. "What's wrong?"

Kagome let out a sob. Something in his gentle voice brought out all her emotions rushing in from their abandoned depths. She slapped her hands over her eyes to prevent him from seeing her tears. "I don't know. It's all so complicated. I did something terrible to someone very important to me out of foolish reasons. Now, the person I've always cared about sees me in a much harsher light. I don't know if he'll ever forgive me." She sniffled, and Hojo kept quiet to let her continue. "I just don't know anymore. I don't know who I love or who I'm supposed to be with. I know it has to be one of them, but I can't choose because I'm so confused and nothing is defined!" She buried her face in her hands, resting on her thighs. Her arms quivered in her sadness. Hojo brought her into the crook of his arm. Kagome warmed at feeling his comforting heat spilling over her. His hand rubbed small circles on her back as if she were a child. She couldn't stop herself, and she fell into him, crying with all that she had locked inside.

"Shhh..." he said, and his voice was even more comforting than before. "Whatever you did, Kagome, you can make up for it. You don't have to keep torturing yourself."

She broke away and looked at him through tears. "Hojo-kun..."

"The Kagome I know would not let anything get her down. You have to be strong and fight this," he said, getting up from the bench. He offered her his hand. She looked at him with surprise. She took his hand, still afraid to smile as hope germinated slowly beneath her regrets. "C'mon. I'll take you home."

And somewhere down the quieting streets of Tokyo, Kagome felt her nerve re-emerge. The comfort of her friends' words, of Hojo's hand, were all the things friends were supposed to give her when she was feeling her worst.

Their comfort was real.

And with resolve swirling in her dark eyes, she bit her lip and inwardly anticipated the upcoming battle. She would go back to the Warring States, and if those people were really her true and trusted friends, she would show them EXACTLY how friends should treat each other. Kagome would teach them all that she was not going to take this lying down forever.

If they were not generous enough to forgive her, then their friendship be damned.

 

She stomped into Kaede's hut with determination boiling over her face. She looked squarely into the stunned eyes of all her comrades. Whether they wanted her there or not, she didn't care. She pursed her lips together and met their intensity with her own. She threw her yellow bag roughly to the ground. Shippo backed behind Sango in slight fear.

Miroku was about to open his mouth to say something, but Kagome beat him to it.

"Listen up, everyone!" The snarl in her voice rang throughout their ears. Even Inuyasha was surprised. "Whatever reservations you have about my actions are yours to have. If you want to stop being my friend because of my mistake, then fine. But what I won't accept is your typecasting of me. If you thought I was some pure and holy person that could do no wrong, then you're sadly misguided. Need I remind you that I am human and make mistakes, just like all of you do? To you, my mistakes may weigh greater than others, but it does not mean I don't have the right to repent and rectify them."

She looked over at everyone, and she saw their own individual confusion and regret settling within their faces. Shippo dropped his arms at his sides and started to walk up to Kagome. She gave him a serious glare.

"I realize it will take time for you to forgive me, and I do not expect it right away. Still, we have a mission with a demon to destroy and a jewel to complete, so in regards to group morale, I would kindly not like this group to be silent and awkward. We can work together toward our goals, and hopefully, within time, you will have regard for me again."

Kagome stood firmly on her feet, and she felt power surge throughout her veins. Yes, she was going to beat this. She looked at the apologetic faces of her friends, and celebrated within herself. She smiled at them warmly, adding her old charm to such a touchy situation. "Besides, I'm here and I'm not going to run away. I belong here as much as any of you. Whether you want me or not, I have a duty, and I won't let anyone keep me down. If that were to happen, I might as well surrender to Naraku the first chance I get."

Her comrades nodded at her, weakly smiling but faces showing room for impending forgiveness. Inuyasha leaned against the shed, a small smile creeping on his face, as well. As her determined voice rang through his ears, he swelled jubilantly inside as he saw the old Kagome coming back to him. Things were different, but they had the whole future to make things right again.

 

Kagome hummed happily as she enjoyed a solitary evening in a hot spring. The moon was out again, reflecting light on the spring's rising moisture. She indulged in the wet heat of the spring, the sweet reward for her resounding victory among her friends. Very soon, she would regain their trust again.

Still, things weren't resolved with Sesshoumaru, and she hoped that Inuyasha had been wrong, that Sesshoumaru did not care about her and would forget about her.

Deep inside her heart, she felt robbed of seeing Sesshoumaru finally have feelings. She was watching him grow, his frozen heart melting slowly as she encountered him time and again. However, if she was right, then he had probably been hurt by the emotion, and maybe he would cover it up and never revisit those sensations again, even with her.

She felt sad. Seeing a cold-hearted demon finally discover love was a beautiful phenomenon indeed. And she couldn't help feeling that she, too, was missing him. He wasn't the only one that was going through changing emotions.

"I wish I could tell Sesshoumaru that I really don't hate him after all," she whispered into the night, closing her eyes as she rested against a rock and relishing the final moments of her bath.

Suddenly, her senses peaked as a large, ominous presence intruded upon her bath. She opened her eyes quickly, darting them around the forest.

"Who's there?" she called out with anger and fear. She folded her arms around herself to cover her chest.

"It's good to know that you don't hate me," a voice said with velvet amusement. Her face paled in terror. Sesshoumaru came out into the open of the spring and stood at the edge of it, wearing neither his armor nor his fluffy pelt. His kimono was different too, the fabric a shade of the darkest blue. She watched as he began tugging at the sashes around his waist.

"Don't!" she commanded, her eyes ablaze. Her voice was pleading, and he didn't like the sound of it. "Please, leave."

She was different than before. Her body did not swell with arousal for him, and yet the only emotion he could sense was fear and worry. He stopped in his tracked and studied her.

"I'm sorry, Sesshoumaru," she responded, still clutching herself to hide from him. She acted as if she had regained her innocence. "I may have been out of it, but I really meant what I said last time. I don't want it to happen again."

Her words rang with truth, but there was an exception laced within her intention.

"You do not hate me; you said it," he said cocking his head and struggling to understand her motives.

"Yes, and that's true, but I just got back, and I'm slowly regaining their friendship," she said, referring to her traveling companions.

His eyes raged at her. "I do not care what those fools think!"

"But I do!" she countered. She sighed. "Look, it's obvious that there's something unexplainable happening to us. We're both drawn to each other for some reason, and I don't know why."

His silence fell heavy over her. "But we can't go back doing what were doing. It's not right," she said finally, sinking into the water with slight relief, looking away from his steady gaze.

When he had not answered her, she assumed he had left her until she heard a splash indicate the opposite was true. He came over to her, unclothed, the moisture from the misty air cloaking his bare skin. Her eyes widened at the intrusion.

He stopped in front of her, soaking in her presence. She would have never guessed, but his body had longed for her during her absence. His demon side craved her defiance, and the part that made him a man craved her body. Undefined emotions raged within him. His feelings be damned. He wanted her, and she did not hate him. She held something for him, and he longed to feel her cup his face and smile only for him again.

"What is so wrong about it?" he asked in a husky whisper. He traced a claw down her soft fragile jaw line. Her jaw quivered in response. She was utterly at a loss at what to do. No woman in her right mind would deny such a beautiful creature the pleasure he desired. As shimmering tendrils of his silver hair bobbed at the surface, she felt her knees weaken. She was so unworthy. His face dipped down to kiss her.

"I --- I can't," she said, her voice unstable. "I just regained their trust. I can't lose again what I have gained back."

"I don't see the problem," he said, staring hungrily at her lips. He shifted his body closer to hers. She felt his arousal under the water's surface. "We're just two lonely ....what did you call it? Two lonely people who float without solid bearing?"

Her eyes widened when he had remembered her words so clearly. Her eyes shut in frustration as her barriers were weakening. She exhaled, "No, you'll betray me again." She backed away from him, trying to get past him. He crowded her against the rock, blocking escape. She couldn't possibly get by and she could back up no more as she felt the rock press up against her. Sesshoumaru closed in on her, catching her in a demanding embrace.

"There will be no more betrayal," he said in a dangerous voice. His eyes glinted of red, and he heard Kagome gasp. "You are mine, and I will know this and you will know this, but no one else will ever know."

Her eyes raged in anger. "I'm not just some possession!" She struggled unsuccessfully within his grasp. Her struggling fueled the beast within him to take her.

"No, you are more than a possession, Kagome." He nibbled on her ear, and she slumped into his arms. "Much, much more..."

TBC....