InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Caught Up in Memories ❯ I'm Not That Girl ( Chapter 1 )

Caught Up In Memories

 

Night has fallen.

 

We're all gathered around the merrily crackling fire, but you are sitting alone, perched in a tree branch. As though you sense my gaze, you glance down at me, before looking away again in instants. Miroku's eyes are closed as he leans against the tree trunk, Sango is polishing Hiraikotsu diligently as Kirara sits beside her and mews happily, rubbing against her mistress's elbow. Shippou is chattering away to Sango, who smiles and murmurs a low reply. They look so joyful together, so contented. Everyone is at peace, except you.

 

Inuyasha.

 

~Hands touch, eyes meet

Sudden silence, sudden heat

Hearts leap in a giddy whirl~

 

You think that we can't tell that your attention isn't upon us. You think that you've deceived us perfectly, that we can't tell the difference between lies and reality. Well, tough luck. Sango and Miroku may not be able to, but I can. I can, and I wish I was oblivious.

 

I wish that you wouldn't be so obvious. I wish that I didn't know that you are thinking of… her. Again.

 

~He could be that boy

I'm not that girl.~

 

You know very well that it's impossible between you two now. You know very well that she's not who she used to be. You know very well that she's cold now, that she's someone who embraces only hatred alone.

 

Kikyou.

 

She's perfect in her coldness, and we both know it, don't we? She's the one who's unreachable, the one who stands high above ordinary beings on a pedestal of chilly marble. She's the one who holds your fragile heart in the palm of her soft hand, and she doesn't seem to care in the least. She's the one who's everything that I'm not, and everything that I can never be.

 

~Don't dream too far

Don't lose sight of who you are

Don't remember that rush of joy~

 

You're always so nice to her, so patient and so kind. Whenever I see you with her, it's as though I see through a haze of pain and euphoria. Don't you know that it hurts me so? Don't you know that there's a time to hold on and a time to give up? Is it too much to ask that you don't think of her whenever you are with me?

 

…yes. On second thought, it does seem too much, doesn't it?

 

You never seem to notice me. Even when you do, you don't seem to care all that much. In that case, why is it that you get so jealous when Kouga comes around? If you aren't going to make me happy, are you going to prevent me from looking for my own insignificant joy?

 

Aren't you being a little too selfish?

 

But then again, I am, too, aren't I? What more is there to say? That I wish Kikyou would just die forever? That would turn you away from me… and I'm not that jealous type. I may wish for you to be mine, but I wouldn't curse harm on someone who did nothing wrong. That is who I am, and I won't deviate from it, no matter how important you are to me.

 

No matter how much I wish you were less honorable, so that you would turn away from her…

 

~He could be that boy

I'm not that girl.~

 

I don't want your pity. I want you.

 

But I know that wish is one that can never come true, at least, not while she still walks this realm.

 

I wish I could stop dreaming, that I could be the impulsive type who lives only for the moment, to feel all I can in this short period of time I have with you. I wouldn't feel so depressed then, because I would be luxuriating in the contentment of being protected by so strong an individual.

 

I never asked for this, you know.

 

I was an ordinary girl back then. I never asked to become the main character of an epic legend spanning the centuries, never asked to be caught up in a love triangle, never asked to be a foster mother, never asked for better friends. But somehow, God gave me each of those things, and I learned to cope with most of them, except the love triangle part. Kami knows, that still gives me pain, and a dull ache in my heart.

 

I jump to my feet abruptly and snatch up my bow and arrows, stalking off into the shadows of the wood. I feel your startled golden eyes follow me as I vanish quickly, and even as I walk out of sight, I know that you are preparing to come after me, to make sure I am safe, if nothing else.

 

I know Miroku, Sango, Shippou and Kirara are all looking after me quizzically, Sango wearing a worried look. They'll all exchange glances, and then all eyes will turn to you expectantly. Of course, you're the protector, aren't you? You're the one who holds us all together, aren't you, if only because the quest will never succeed while missing one vital person?

 

After all, how will you find your Shikon shards without the detector?

 

~Every so often, we long to steal

To the land of what-might-have-been~

 

It hurts to think that you're only willing to come near with an open heart when I'm injured or unwell, whether in body or spirit.

 

“Oi, wench, are you all right? Walking off like that…” your familiar rumble comes from behind me, somewhat deeper than usual.

 

I walk until the moonlit lake where Sango and I bathed earlier, and then I stop and throw myself down on the bank, staring out over the still surface.

 

“I just want to think for a while,” I say finally, after it's obvious that you have gotten tired of the silence.

 

I can almost hear the gears in your head turning, while you consider dragging me back to the campsite, back to the warmth of the flickering flames. Nevertheless, you do remember the rosary around your neck, and you decide that it's better to leave me as I am.

 

“Fine, wench. I'll stay with you until then,” you leap up into a tree and cross your arms, unwilling to admit that you are worried. A small smile curves my lips for seconds before it disappears.

 

I don't have what I want.

 

I will never have what I want.

 

That is, your love.

 

~But that doesn't soften the ache we feel

When reality sets back in. ~

 

As I stare into the shimmering water, I see your reflection - silver hair pouring down your back like a waterfall, golden fiery orbs which seem to look through my soul, bright red haori which holds so many memories. You notice that I am staring, and you look away quickly. A bitter look crosses my face, before I catch myself. I will not become Kikyou. I will not succumb to the darkness in my heart.

 

Your eyelids flutter shut, shielding those incredible eyes as I feel a sense of relief, as though a spotlight has been turned off. I feel like a character in a play, where you're the lead male, and I'm the supporting female - the girl who plays sidekick to the main female. I don't want that to continue. I wish it never started.

 

~Blithe smile, lithe limb

She who's winsome, wins him…~

 

Kikyou isn't exactly the nicest person in the world. What is it that she has, that you love and follow her so faithfully? Ah, of course. My mistake. What else could it be?

 

She gave up her life for you. That's just it, isn't it?

 

It doesn't matter that I'd die for you in an eyeblink, if a happy and whole future could be guaranteed for you. It doesn't matter that I brought you back from the enchanted sealed sleep imposed on you by Kikyou. It doesn't matter that I woke the real you enough for your demon blood to recede. It doesn't matter that I threw myself in front of a purification arrow to save you.

 

All that, when exposed beside the fact that she chose to die rather than to live without you, pales in comparison by far.

 

How unfair that is, when I wasn't even around at the beginning of this fairytale gone so horribly wrong…

 

~Gold hair with a gentle curl

That's the girl he chose

And heaven knows

I'm not that girl…~

 

Your eyes have opened again, but you aren't looking in my direction. You're looking upwards, at the ghostly full moon and the twinkling stars. Are you cursing the fact that you remain a half-demon still, that your night of weakness will arrive soon? Or are you imagining her face?

 

I don't know. Frankly, I don't want to know, because I don't think I can handle the answer.

 

Ah. My suspicions have been confirmed.

 

You are thinking of her. I'm sure of it.

 

You only have that wistful, longing look on your face when you think of her. Why is she so special to you? I don't understand. She lacks the warmth of a human body, the warmth of life. She lacks a heart that isn't made out of ice or stone. She doesn't have mercy anymore.

 

She isn't who she was. Why can't you understand that and move on?

 

I hate it when you wear that sad expression. A face like yours isn't meant to wear such a look; it seems almost a sin to do so. You are supposed to be happy, Inuyasha… it's only because of her that you remain sad.

 

Can you honestly, honestly tell me that you would be perfectly fine without all of us? Sango, Miroku, Shippou, Kirara, even Myouga, and… I?

 

I hope you don't even try, because you suck at lying anyway.

 

~Don't wish - don't start

Wishing only wounds the heart~

 

I can see the cold moon reflected in those beautiful, warm eyes of yours.

 

I'm tired of this, Inuyasha. I wish I could find a way to tell you so.

 

~I wasn't born for the rose and the pearl

There's a girl I know…

And he loves her so…

…I'm not that girl.~

 

What more is there to say?

 

The next time I go home, I'll accept a date from anyone, even Hojo-kun.

 

Are you happy with your memories? I hope you are, because I won't be available anymore.

 

I'm moving on, Inuyasha. I'm letting go. When will you?

 

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A/N: This was based on one of Maiden of the Moon's fanfics - the song is the same. I asked for permission, but I got no reply, so… I went ahead and did it, anyway.

 

I think the song is the `Wicked' OST, or something like that.

 

If you read/watch Chrno Crusade, please check out Maiden of the Moon's fanfic - it's named `Warmth'. It's onesided ChrnoRosette and ChrnoMagdalene.

 

…I feel like eating takoyaki.

 

Windborne signing off. (it feels strange to type windborne instead of kyasarinyume07.)