InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Chou Shoki I: Learning from Yesterday ❯ Chapter 36 ( Chapter 36 )

For it hath been by sorrow nursed,

And ached in sleepless silence, long

- Lord Byron, My soul is dark

 

 

 

CHAPTER 36

 

1204 A.D. ~ OCTOBER

 

Three days.

 

Three miserable days.

 

Three miserable days without him... sitting in prayer inside the temple.

 

And by this third day, I realized that my life would never be the same. Rain clouds were forming out in the sky, no thunder or lightning. For the first time in my existence, I wished for them, or at least wished they would strike at me and put me out of my misery. Anything was better than to live like this.

 

I had tried to find sleep. But it wouldn't come. And when I had the fortune of slipping into a quick unconscious state, Yasuhani wasn't there. I searched fruitlessly for him. However, he was gone. I always found myself inside a large room, no windows, no doors. I called out to him but there was never an answer on his behalf. By that third day, I realized that the wall of `my room' had crescent moons on them, just like Sesshoumaru's marking. It dawned on me that since he marked me, I had yet to have a dream about Yasuhani. Sesshoumaru had unknowingly closed off any contact with him. Yasuhani was out there, I felt him. It only added to my misery to know that my only haven was out of my reach.

 

And because Yasuhani wasn't with me, the nightmares returned. The horrible scenes would play before my eyes even when awake.

 

Lana had come on more than one occasion but just like everything else, her presence made no difference to me. When Eriko wasn't out running errands with Lana, she was curled up next to me, chatting away like there was nothing wrong. I think that it was perhaps her way of shutting out the negative things like when her `mother' had been killed. Hiro had stood outside the shoji yesterday talking to me; respecting our agreement on that fateful night, and allowing me time to adjust. Even Kirara remained by my side and didn't once move.

 

I didn't care. I hadn't even eaten. I just wanted to forget. Unfortunately for me, that was the one thing that the Kami would never permit. It was forever my curse to remember.

 

But the memory was there along with the hurt. Hurt because I couldn't be with the one I longed for. Hurt because life had denied me the one thing I had ever asked for. But most of all, I felt hurt because he gave up so easily. Perhaps it was better this way. At least he would be happy. That's all that mattered now.

 

As I lay on the futon, Eriko asleep beside me, I felt it again. It was here, watching.... watching me. Kirara always growled when the presence came. I felt its, or rather, her aura. She was happy. My agony had always been her food. If I strained myself, I could almost hear her laughter. With the weight of my pain, I lifted myself to a sitting position.

 

“Why do you hate me so? Why does my happiness affect some thing like you?”

 

“I want you dead!” It was there. I felt the hatred behind its words. Words that sounded more in my own head than outside.

 

I stood; my legs were numb from lack of movement in these days. “For once we agree.”

 

I gazed outside. There was a slight snow drizzle that late afternoon, which gave me the perfect opportunity to escape unnoticed. My movements were sluggish but I managed to put on a tattered old black kimono and an old white cloak.

 

I kneeled and kissed Kirara's head. “You are my only true friend. I shall never forget what you have done for me. I only hope that one day you will understand why I am doing this. Sayonara, Kirara. Take care of Lana, Eriko and father.” I put the palm of my hand on her forehead before she could say anything and released a small amount of energy that would put her in a light and harmless state of dream. “Gomen.”

 

I left them slumbering, not once looking back.

 

~~~~~~~~~

 

The climb up the mountain had been hard in my state of weakness. I felt like all the energy had been drained from my body. But I made it. The light flakes that had been falling had by now turned into heavy pouring. It was cold, but not as cold as my body. Positioned at the edge where the water fell, I looked down. The glade at the bottom looked gloomy. It looked nothing like it used to when Sesshoumaru and I would be there.

 

Hundreds of images flashed in my head of the times we shared. Every word, every gesture was still fresh in my mind. I had memorized the lines of his face and every speck of gold in his eyes. All the memories would stay with me wherever I went.

 

But another image came to mind when I turned the purple sphere that hung by my neck on two fingers.

 

FLASHBACK

 

“Aijou, you are late. You have missed dinner and we are about to gather in the large entrance hall to announce the new guardian of the jewel.” He had a huge grin plastered on his face.

 

I remained focused on the task on hand. Years of mastering my powers finally came in handy. “Gomen, otou-san. I had something that required immediate attention.”

 

“Whatever it was, it could not have been more important than attending our guests!” He whispered through gritted teeth, grabbed my arm harshly, and began moving us to the center of the great room.

 

He signaled for silence. “Esteemed guests, as all of you know, the reason for this great celebration was to appoint a new guardian for the Shikon no Tama that was entrusted to the temporary care of my daughter, Lady Kagome.”

 

Everyone nodded and waited for his response. I put my hand on his forearm before he opened his mouth. He frowned but let me go ahead.

 

“After much consideration and after witnessing the capabilities of my sister miko, I have decided...” I turned to Hiro.

 

Then I surveyed the crowd for Aita. She was gazing anxiously at me. “I have decided to remain the guardian of the Shikon no Tama indefinitely.” The look on her face was priceless.

 

She ran to the front. “You cannot do this! I am more than qualified for such a task! Besides, you are also a Hime, which requires that you keep the bloodline alive. You must marry and have children. Such act will make you impure and therefore incapable of remaining the guardian of the jewel! Surely, your Highness―”

 

I interjected, having to restrain my aura from rippling out like a plague. “The Shikon no Tama is not just any jewel. Its powers could tilt the balance of the world. You have not the skill OR spiritual training to guard such power. The jewel is an entity in itself. It houses the soul of my own okaa-san. Who better to protect her soul than her own daughter? But above all, as you so elegantly put it,” I smirked mockingly, “I am Hime and therefore I decide. And my final decision is that the Shikon no Tama will remain with me until I die.”

 

“Demo, my lord, you could probably see my―” she had turned to the emperor in a hopeless act.

 

“SILENCE!” He grew upset, but I knew that the anger was directed at the wrong person. This answer was not the one he had been expecting. “The hime has spoken and her word holds as much command as mine. If she says that the matter is closed, then, IT IS CLOSED.”

 

We moved towards the crowd, when another voice from the opposite direction stopped us both. “Does that mean you are renouncing to your title as future empress?”

 

The emperor searched the individual who asked and found that such question from this particular person was to be expected. It was a cousin from Edo who could occupy the throne if I didn't decide to marry. “The matter could be assessed again in future years if my daughter so wishes. As for now, you do not have to worry about that, dear nephew. I plan to live for many more years. I could easily take another wife and sire more children who could take my place should Kagome-hime refuse.”

 

That shut him up!

 

After another series of entertainment numbers, we sent our guests off. I was searching for Hiro when my father came from behind me and pushed me into the nearest room. He shut the door hard.

 

“YOU MADE A FOOL OF ME OUT THERE!” In all my years, I had never seen the anger reach his face. He'd always been good at hiding his emotions.

 

“You gave me two options. I chose one of those two. I do not see how that would count as `making a fool out of you'.” Showing my anger as well would only result in me loosing what little patience I had ever been able to harness.

 

“THAT WAS BECAUSE I THOUGHT YOU WOULD MAKE THE RIGHT CHOICE!”

 

“The right choice? And according to you, otou-san, what is the right choice?”

 

“You marrying Lt. Hiroyaki.” he said matter-of-factly.

 

I breathed slowly and counted to ten. “We have been through this, Tenno. If it were any other man, I would consider it. But we are talking about Hiro.”

 

“The Lieutenant is better than any other man. I know him and trust him.”

 

“The only reason you trust him is because you practically raised him! Still, the most important reason why I refuse and will forever refuse to marry Hiro is that he is in love with me.”

 

“Kagome, that would make the marriage even a better one. I don't see how that is a problem. Many of our ancestors have entered a marriage with nothing but hatred. In time, you may come to love him as well.”

 

“Onegai, otou-san. I need you to realize that I never have nor will ever love Hiro the way he loves me! He is like a brother to me.”

 

“You will marry Hiroyaki, if not now, then later. This marriage will happen.” He walked up to me and grabbed me gratingly by my chin. “And mark my words Kagome, you will enter this marriage willingly or by force!” He pushed my face and sat down away from me.

 

I felt tears forming in my eyes but before any could fall, he yelled from behind a pile of scrolls. “AND DON'T YOU DARE CRY! HAVE I NOT TOLD YOU ENOUGH TIMES THAT TEARS ARE A SIGN OF WEAKNESS?!”

 

“Hai, Tenno.” The whispering words left my mouth with much anger. I left him alone and walked to my room.

 

When I had reached my `cabin', I noticed that the door was slightly opened and a somewhat dim light escaped into the garden. I gathered strength from my surroundings and entered my room. There was a dark shadow by the corner.

 

“Gomen nasai. I never meant to go behind your back and decide on your life. I hope you can believe that.” His voice was ridden of any emotion.

 

“I do. You and I are both being used here. You have nothing to apologize for.” I moved closer to him. “But regardless you should have known better than to accept such offer.”

 

“Why?” His voice betrayed his hurt and the stale smell of sake reached my nose.

 

“I know how you feel about me. I've always known. And because I know, I have to be honest and true to you and myself.” I turned him towards me and squeezed both his hands.

 

Trails of tears covered his face. “Am I that unworthy of your love?”

 

I swallowed the raw guilt that his words evoked. I released his hands and put my palms on his cheeks. “How could you think that I see you as anything less than my equal?”

 

“Then why won't you love me?” He looked into my eyes pleadingly.

 

“Because...” I bit my lip. Because I may love an inu youkai named Sesshoumaru, who just happens to be the same human prince name Han that was here yesterday and that you couldn't stand! “Because I see you as a brother.”

 

“Can you never see me as something more?”

 

“Iiee. Kesshite.”

 

He removed my hands from his face and turned away from me. I waited for him to yell at me or do something. The awkward silence was too much. He was deep in thought when I decided to sit down on my futon.

 

“Promise me something then?”

 

“I'll try.”

 

“Promise me that you will not push me away. That you will allow me to continue being by your side. And that if you one day, if ever, you decide to take a husband, that it will be me.” It was an act of desperation, a single thread holding his sanity.

 

Could I promise him that? Could I truly marry him in some distant future? And if I did, would I think of Sesshoumaru when Hiro kissed me? Would I think of Sesshoumaru when we lay in bed next to each other? Would I think of Sesshoumaru when Hiro and I...when he and I...?

 

“Hai.” The word had left my lips before I could really think. Little did he know that this conversation would one day change my life.

 

“Arigatou. I promise not to make you feel pressured at any time. I will be here whenever you reach out... always.” He smiled warmly.

 

“I know. But for now I wish to be alone. I need to be alone.”

 

He nodded and exited, somehow managing not to fall on his way out.

 

END OF FLASHBACK

 

And so I had made a promise to a man that I had no intention of keeping but that the Kami would make sure I keep even in death. I gazed up into the gray sky. I wanted to say so much. No one would hear me. No one but my ever-present shadow.

 

I chuckled at the irony. For the first time in my cursed life, I wanted someone to talk to and the only one here was her. “A lot of people know the surface side of me, the side they see while I'm working or just going through the day... but there's another side of me - an inside - that people never see. It's a part that's full of a thousand thoughts; a part that understands without need for words, a part that has yearnings and desires and prayers.” I exhaled a weary sigh.

 

“The inside of me has so many moods that the outside never shows. For once in my life, though... I trust someone implicitly and I care about someone in a totally understanding way. I feel like its okay to let that someone in, to let them see me emotionally and physically as naturally and as naked as I can be. I have given myself to you and told you things that I've never told another soul...”

 

I hugged myself and inhaled sharply just a bit before I continued. “You are the one person who has seen me trembling and as fearful as an injured bird; you are the one person I always want to take with me when I feel exhilarated and my spirits are soaring. I trust you with my secrets, and you now know that you can trust me with yours. This sharing... this special sharing... is one of the nicest dimensions my life has ever known.”

 

I closed my eyes and a flash of silver and red appeared before being replaced by the image of Sesshoumaru, smiling. I reached out and for a moment, just for a fraction of a second, I felt him near. I whimpered when the feeling of his presence dissipated. Yet my hand remained in the air, caressing his imaginary cheek.

 

Through chattering teeth and the enormous lump in my throat, I spoke once more. “I wish I could make you understand how much I feel for you. I am always seeking, but cannot find a way... I love in you a something that only I have discovered - the you - which is beyond the you of the world that is admired and known by others; a `you' which is especially mine; which cannot ever change and which I cannot ever cease to love.”

 

I gathered as much power left in me to offer a song to the heavens. A song that spoke for my heart.

 

Then, I slipped my hands inside the sleeves of the kimono. I said a prayer for my father, Lana, Kirara, Eriko and Sesshoumaru.

 

“Hear me, oh Kami of the elements and quarters.
I stand a child of the universe
Plagued on all sides by those who wish me ill.
I ask not that you change them,
for their will is their own,
But grant me strength,
that I may shine in the light
Growing in goodness
in your service for Mankind.

Take my body as sacrifice,

Take me now.”

 

I wrapped my hands around the jewel and chanting the prayer again that would release my soul. I closed my eyes and let me body fall over the edge.

 

Forgive me, okaa-san. But I cannot live like this anymore.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~

 

As he raced across the land, a shudder rocked his entire form. It was a tremor that originated at the center of his soul and rippled to the outside. Something was wrong... way wrong! He increased his speed. Midway to his destination he was stopped by a mass of giant bird demons. The more he killed, the more appeared. It almost seemed an endless battle. With quick resolve, he used his own jyaki to extinguish his enemies.

 

Once more on his path, he slowed down near the foot of a mountain. As he looked around, he realized that this was the very mountain he was in just yesterday. He wanted to stop, but he knew he had to see Kagome before anything else could happen. If his calculations were right, she'd barely be leaving Kamakura for Nara.

 

Sesshoumaru decided that it was best to take the sky and cover more ground that way. Besides it would be easier to spot the imperial entourage. His blue sphere surrounded him as he was lifted into the air. The smells up here were also much better, plus the snow helped clean any stench.

 

A certain scent stopped his further movement: gardenias.

 

He made it up the mountain soundlessly. As he moved closer to his right, he heard the rush of the freezing water as it fell from the mountain and onto the glade he was so familiar with. Sesshoumaru also noticed that the greenery up here was much denser and sharper. There were sounds coming from the edge where the water fell.

 

Kagome!

 

Several branches blocked his view. He carefully pushed down on some barks and was finally able to see her form entirely. He had to swallow hard. She looked tired and worn out, as if years of battling had finally taken their toll on her. She was smiling, a weak smile.

 

He stood motionless when he heard her speak. It pained him to realize that she could harbor so much emotion and not share it with him. But what hurt him more was the way she described him. Whoever she had fallen in love with didn't deserve the pain that was etched in her perfect features. He had hoped all this time, that she would see through his actions and realize that no one could ever love her like he did.

 

While he listened, he felt his own tears fall. However, what she did next left him more in awe. She walked closer to the edge and kneeled. She lifted her face and her aura flared with the anguish and misery pent up inside. Her melody traveled in the silent night as she began her song.

 

(A/N: I know that this song is in English, but it was just perfect for this scene. As always, for story purposes I ask that you “pretend” that Kagome sings it in Japanese. Thanks, guys!)

 

Cannot touch...

Cannot hold...

Cannot be together.

 

Cannot love...

Cannot kiss...

Cannot have each other.

 

Must be strong and we must let go...

Cannot say what our hearts must know.

 

How can I not love you?

What do I tell my heart?

When do I not want you

here in my arms?

 

How does one walk away

from all of the memories?

How do I not miss you

when you are gone?

 

Cannot not dream...

cannot share...

Sweet and tender moments.

 

Cannot feel

how we feel.

Must pretend it's over.

 

Must be brave

and we must go on.

Must not say what we've known all along.

 

How can I not love you?

What do I tell my heart?

When do I not want you

here in my arms?

 

How does one walk away

from all of the memories?

How do I not miss you

when you are gone?

 

How can I not love you...

when you are gone?

 

Sesshoumaru fisted his hands at his sides. Every painful word in her song described the way he felt. He looked at her once more. Her face was in her hands, but that did not last long. She clasped her hands together in prayer. He heard her pray for his well-being and without another warning, Kagome fell over the edge.

 

With no time to think, he jumped after her and was able to reach her. He landed softly and placed her on the ground. His heart was ready to jump out of his chest from the shock. He checked her over for any injuries. Unfortunately, he did find a small opening on her left temple.

 

“Kagome? Daijoubou desu ka?” He tried to calm down, but the thought of loosing her was greater. He tried shaking her.

 

He waited for an answer and got one when she moaned. He kept calling her name for several minutes until he decided to take her to his home. Afraid to lose her if she fell unconscious, he kept talking to her and felt her try to stay awake. He wasted no time and picked her up. Racing across the forest, he reached the edge and used one of the trees as lever to take the skies. During his run, he mulled over the idea of taking her to the Crescent Moon, but he knew that his father would blame him for this.

 

No. He needed to take Kagome somewhere peaceful and not where the Inu no Taishou and he would be biting their heads off every chance they got. So, without further thought, he changed direction to the Kuroi Hoshi.

 

When he arrived, he landed quickly on the garden and walked in through the back door. Most of the servants weren't surprised he came barging in. They, however, did stop to look when his voice called them.

 

“TELL EVERYONE TO LEAVE THE GROUNDS FOR THE NEXT FEW DAYS! HAVE THEM GO ANYWHERE EXCEPT TO THE CRESCENT MOON!” The many servants scattered and hurried past him, catching a glance of the hurt young ningen onna in his arms.

 

Some of the servants stopped to take a good look at her and gasped when they recognized the miko. They had seen her help defend the Crescent Moon when the war broke out a year ago. They had come to respect the girl and now here she was again, injured - perhaps attacked for her allegiance to the Western Lands. A small inu female came up to him and gave him a closed pouch. “My lord, this will help lull the pain in her head. By the color on her face, I am almost positive that it was a mere scratch, but it will still hurt like hell when she awakens. Onegai, give her my regards.” The servant bowed and walked out with the group that had surrounded the couple.

 

“Make sure that my chichi-ue does not find out about this - any of it. And if you should encounter him, do not inform him that I am here.” The servants cringed at the thought of lying to their lord. However, they understood that if word got out, Sesshoumaru as well as they would pay the consequences.

 

“Hai, my lord.” they cried in unison.

 

Sesshoumaru hurried up the winding steps and slid the door to his room. He placed Kagome on his giant futon, careful not to cause her more pain. As she began to wake a little more, his anger returned. He could not understand how she could try to kill herself for someone who obviously didn't deserve her. If said male felt any kind of love for her, he would have prevented this.

 

He faced her once more and called her name. She fluttered her eyelids, but her gaze remained unfocused. Sesshoumaru reached for a basin with water and a small cloth. He wiped her blood away and dried her afterwards. He tried to be as gentle as possible, but he was furious at her actions.

 

After he finished he took the basin with red water and tossed it out the window. He remained there, willing himself to calm down for her. The only sound was the chattering of her teeth. Her clothes were soaked from the snow that had melted on her heated skin. Her voice both calmed him and increased his anger.

 

“Why did you come?” she demanded, her voice as furious as his.

 

“I was in the neighborhood.” he replied coolly.

 

She lifted herself and almost fell, but Sesshoumaru was able to reach her in time. She pushed him away feebly. He held her tighter.

 

“Let me go!”

 

“You're still hurt!”

 

“Like you care!” He released her and she stumbled a bit.

 

Sesshoumaru glared at her. If she wanted to leave, he would let her leave. After watching her almost end her life for the imbecile she loved, he knew that no matter how much he pleaded, her heart already belonged to someone else. However, she would not go without telling him who she was in love with.

 

“Who is he?”

 

She frowned and held her head. Kagome turned and reached for the door. He blocked her exit and grabbed her arms, pushing her back into the room. She pushed back.

 

“WHAT DO YOU WANT?” The echo of her screams bounced off the walls of her own head. She grunted in pain.

 

“Who is he?” Sesshoumaru asked once more barely restraining his ever-growing jealousy.

 

“WHO?”

 

“The bastard for whom you were so eager to take your life for!” He couldn't help the disgust that laced each word.

 

A pitiful chuckle escaped her lips. “It doesn't matter anymore.” She made for the door again.

 

And again he stopped her. “It matters to me.”

 

She was about to push him but remained motionless at his response. Kagome turned to him. “You're right. He is a bastard and an idiot because he can't see what he has in front of him. He is too afraid of facing the world, so he decided to give up and run away. So what does it matter what his name is?”

 

He stared at her for a long time. He turned in his head her words, but they didn't help squelch his anger at that imbecile and at her. “But apparently he was worth dying for, was he not?”

 

“I seemed to think so. But now...” she closed her eyes.

 

“But now what?” he mocked.

 

She opened her eyes and stared at him disbelieving his words and his tone. Why was he doing this? Did he not know? She lowered her gaze and turned her back on him.

 

“It doesn't matter anymore.”

 

He reached her from behind and held her to him. “Dammit, Kagome!” She squirmed in his embrace, but he only tightened his hold on her. He buried his nose in her neck and took in her wonderful scent, whispering his plea. “Don't you realize that its killing me?”

 

Kagome felt confused. Why did he care if he didn't... if he couldn't...?

 

“Please, let me go!”

 

“I can't. Not until you tell me who he is.”

 

She began to cry and he clung to her hoping that his embrace would somehow lessen her pain. It only pained him more to see her as weak and defenseless as a child. Kagome turned to face him, her eyes a bit swollen from lack of proper sleep. “Can't you see? Can you not tell who he is? Are you that blind?” she spoke softly. Her eyes searched his in desperation.

 

Sesshoumaru gazed at her trying to find the answers he was looking for. All he saw was pain. He gave up. “I can't tell.”

 

Her pleading look turned to a glare. “Then, you are not worthy!” she spat with anger. “How can someone who does not know love see it?”

 

This caused his anger to rise once more. He pushed her against the wall and what came out of his mouth was something that even he did not expect. “You're saying I don't know true love? Oh, I know true love! And you want to know how?”

 

Through gritted teeth she answered, “No!” She didn't want to hear that he loved Michiru.

 

“Well, I'm going to tell you anyways! I know because I am in love with a wonderful female. When we are not together... my thoughts drift alongside memories of her; things we've done, the way she smiles so brightly that helps me forget my worries and celebrates our wonders. My moods come into play more often and make me yearn for the strength I feel with her... the security I find in her eyes. I sometimes feel so very alone for myself and her... imagining her being without my loving feelings as I am without hers. My best wishes still go with her always, wishing to share in her excitements; wanting to comfort her hurts, needing to be reassured that she is keeping warm and well. And, when we're not together... I seem to spend time wishing that we were!”

 

She opened her eyes, which she did not know she had closed. Her tears ran down. “Why are you telling me this?!”

 

“Because...” he leaned in closer to her, right next to her ear, “because, that female... is you.”

 

She remained. His words caused all her strength to finally fly out the window. She leaned her forehead in his chest and cried once more, but this time, her tears were tears of joy. Kagome clung to him.

 

Sesshoumaru could not wait any longer. “Tell me who he is? It's killing me inside to know that that there is someone else. At least tell me his name?”

 

~~~~~~~~~

 

“Because...” he leaned in closer to me, right next to my ear, “because, that female... is you.”

 

My heart was ready to burst. I could not believe he just confessed this to me! I hugged him as if my life depended on his very presence. I let my tears fall freely, hoping with my all that he was really saying all this.

 

“Tell me who he is? It's killing me inside to know that there is someone else. At least tell me his name?”

 

I pushed him away to look into his eyes, taking his face in both my hands. “Sesshoumaru, look at me,” he met my gaze. “I am and have always been in every thought of my heart, yours. You are that man. It always has been you and only you. Every day I live I discover more and more how impossible it is for me to live without you.”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~