InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Confrontation ❯ Ambivalence ( Chapter 31 )

[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]

Disclaimer: I do not own any of them! Nichio and Loi I haven't decided yet, but just in case…they're mine, and so is Jouyoku & Miebi Kokushi

Chapter 31: Ambivalence

It didn't take him very long to catch up to her since her ninjen legs could only move so fast. He could tell that she was crying, but for the life of him he couldn't understand exactly what was so horrible about what he said, that would've made her behave in such a manner.

He stopped a few feet behind her and just stared at her back as it shook beneath the robes she wore, `I'll have to commission more suitable robes to be made for her.' He thought aimlessly.

Taking a step forward he stated, “Rin”.

She didn't turn around to acknowledge him but she did sniffle just a little as if she was trying to quiet her sobbing.

He took another step forward and stopped. A part of him was afraid to approach her, afraid to demand that she turn around because then he would have to see the pain in her eyes, the pain that he supposedly caused with his callused words. Even more than that, he was afraid that she would stand strong in her declaration that she no longer wished to be his mate.

He was Sesshomaru, Inu Lord of the Western Lands, and master of all he saw fit to control, but this woman she seemed to be the only person that was able to strike even the smallest amount of fear in him. Why?

Sighing lightly he took another step forward. He was never one to run away from a battle and he wouldn't start now, even if it were a battle of the hearts that he deemed to be a waste of time. “Rin do you ignore this Sesshomaru?” He spoke softly.

She was unsure of what to say to him, which is why she didn't deem it necessary to acknowledge his appearance. “No milord, I would never ignore you.” She replied with out turning around to face him. She wanted to be with him, she really did, but how could she, when through his eyes she would be seen as nothing more than a filthy ninjen.

“If you are not ignoring this Sesshomaru, why do you allow him to speak to the back of your head?” The white lord spoke, his voice containing mild irritation.

She knew she wasn't showing him proper respect, but she couldn't look at him. It would hurt too much to look upon his handsome regal features, his beautiful golden eyes, and his long white hair that flowed unhindered down to his knees. She couldn't! She just couldn't face him because then she would forget why she was mad, why it wouldn't be a good idea to remain a couple with him.

Shaking her head slowly she continued to gaze off into the surrounding forest as she replied softly, “Milord, this Rin would `never' intentionally disrespect you, but she cannot look upon you with out causing her heart to feel even more pain.”

`I hurt her.' He stated to himself as if he had forgotten the look on her face mere moments ago.

Normally when something or someone displeased him he would simply get rid of it. Toss it to the side; walk over it or on it like he had done to Jakken on so many different occasions. But this time it would not be that simple, it could not be simple because his obstacle was this ninjen, this woman…his intended. He would have to face her and she him. He would have to change her mind and ease her heart. He would have to make her understand that he did not mean what he said in the manner in which she took it. “This Sesshomaru wishes to look upon the face of the one that he has hurt.”

“Please forgive this Rin, but she cannot heed your request.” She whispered while lowering her head.

“Has this Sesshomaru hurt you that badly that you would deny him?”

“Why would you want to look upon her face Milord? This Rin is nothing more than a filthy ninjen. Surely you have better things to do with your time.” As the last word escaped her lips she almost reached up and slapped herself. Where did that come from? She had never spoken to him in such a manner although at times it had crossed her mind.

For a moment Sesshomaru stood there almost gawking at the girls' back. Looking as if he was literally holding him self back from grabbing her and making her turn to face him he inhaled deeply as he tried to remain calm and remember that it was because of him that she was behaving this way. “I will not apologize for calling Inuyasha a filthy half-breed. And I will not stand here and speak to your back for much longer, Rin.”

“Why must you call him that? Is it not enough that he lives every day knowing that he is less than you?”

Sesshomaru was speechless for the second time in one day. This woman he had chosen as his intended seemed to be transforming into someone he hadn't met before. But he couldn't say that he didn't like it. Apart of him welcomed her change her willingness to speak her mind and demand his attention but the other apart of him begged for the quiet shy Rin to return holding her tongue.

“When you met this Rin…did you think of her as filthy?”

He had never lied to her before so he wouldn't start now. “Yes” He stated as if it was nothing more than water rolling off his tongue.

She wasn't expecting that. His answer rolled around in her head like a tiny ball stuck in a sealed tube. She couldn't believe he had responded in that way. Shuddering slightly she tried to blink away the mist that built up with in her eyes. He really thought she was filthy so why would he want her? Why would he tell her that they would have pups? Why would he… Shaking her head she didn't want to think about it anymore. It didn't matter, nothing mattered anymore she would always be nothing more than a filthy ninjen woman to him. With out thinking she took off into the woods trying to out run him and his cruelty.

After he answered her he heard his brothers' voice laughing hysterically in his mind, `shut up!' He mentally snapped but it continued, `can't teach an old dog a new trick. Damn and I thought I was dumb.' Growling viciously he turned his attention back to the girl and tried to calm himself. His intention was to explain to her what he meant but that plan evaporated as soon as he noticed her running off weaving between the trees. It almost looked like she was seriously trying to loose him or was she really trying to loose herself. Dismissing his thoughts he took off in one leap and landed a few feet away from her.

Running as fast as she could with out looking back she tried to out run him and his words. How could she have been so wrong? How could he be so cruel to her? Who was he? Tears blurred her vision but she didn't care the more tears that fell the faster she tried to run. He was hateful, cruel, and spiteful; he was not her lord he couldn't be. These were the things she told herself hoping to appease her broken heart.

Colliding with something hard and unmoving she didn't dare look up until she heard him speak.

“Rin, please calm down.”

She wanted to scream at him, to tell him to leave her alone that she didn't wish to be with in his company in longer. She wanted to tell him that she thought he was selfish and self-centered, arrogant and cruel but no words would fall from her lips. Instead her tiny little fist grew a mind of their own and began to pound repeatedly on his chest and his shoulders as if they were speaking the words she didn't have the guts to say.

Pulling the girl to him, he pressed her to his body and held her tight yet gently as he mentally kicked himself repeatedly for not thinking before he spoke. Of course he thought she really was filthy when he met her but that's was only because she was an orphaned child, with no home, no mom, and no dad. Hugging her a little tighter as her sobs started to diminish he tried to figure out what to say. Could he fix this…should he fix this?

He was Sesshomaru! These things were not things that he had ever worried about or had to deal with. Still he knew in order to make this right he would have to apologize and try to make her understand that she would never be seen as filthy in his eyes and if anyone be he a youkai or a human ever called her such they would be killed on the spot.

Noticing her body beginning to reluctantly relax against him Sesshomaru could easily smell the fatigue, and pain radiating off the girl in waves. He knew he had to explain his reasoning to her and hopefully get her to forgive him if that was still possible.

Glancing around him he winced slightly as he heard the Monk and the Wolf talking quietly as they passed by, a few yards away.

Scooping Rin up in his arm he wrapped his Mokomoko-sama around her and leaped into the sky headed towards the west, his only intention to make her understand.

Simonkal of Inuy

Nearing Keade's hut Sango started to fall back behind the wolf youkai and the Monk. She knew what awaited her inside and she wasn't prepared for it. Not yet. Not now…maybe never.

She hadn't really told anyone anything about the night before and what Ayame had done to her. All they knew is what Kouga walked in on and even that was sketchy since Kouga so gallantly refused to go into great detail.

She wanted to stop them, to tell them that she wanted to go back to Inuyasha and Kagome's hut, but how could she with out raising everyone's suspicions?

Realizing that Sango was no longer walking between them the Monk stopped and looked behind him to find his fiancé walking rather slowly, almost dragging her feet, “Sango, are you okay? Do you need me to carry you?” He questioned.

Reluctantly she nodded in a negative fashion and attempted to pick up her pace so that she was walking beside him again. She didn't know how she would be able to face the woman that had touched, licked and groped her in such an ungodly fashion but as they neared the hut she knew time was running out. Soon she would have no choice but to find out.

Smiling at her, he reached for her hand and squeezed it reassuringly.

She tried to smile at him, but she just couldn't find the energy or the spirit she needed to complete the task. Instead she returned his squeeze with one of her own, her eyes focused on their final destination.

“Maybe I should have a talk with that other hag. Maybe she has an idea about something that could work for Ayame?” Kouga stated to anyone listening.

Miroku looked at the wolf youkai with something akin to pride gracing his expression. He knew it was a lot to ask that he have faith that everything would work out in the end, but to see that the wolf was already thinking and more than willing to help faith along the Monk felt proud of him. “Whom do you speak of?”

“That lady…you know the one that you guys told us about. The one that was blind, I think it was Mybaby Kocotchie…”

Chuckling at the wolf's mispronunciation of the woman's name the monk stopped and allowed Sango to walk between them and into the hut. Eyeing her he noticed her reluctance, but he figured that he would talk to her about it later. “It is Miebi Kokushi that you speak of.” The Houshi responded, as he turned his attention back to the wolf.

“Yeah her, where can I find her?”

“Surely you don't plan on going to see her now?”

“Just how much time do you think Ayame has? And besides she's sleeping so if I leave now I can probably get there and get back before anyone is aware that I'm gone.”

Narrowing his eyes at the wolf youkai Miroku wondered for a moment just how he knew the girl was sleeping, but figured it wasn't important. Glancing away from Kouga and in the direction of the village in question he sighed as he reluctantly pointed off towards the north, “It is three days travel that way.” He stated not wanting to damper the wolf hopes, but he knew that the old lady just like everyone else they had spoken to would have no information that they would deem useful in helping to destroy the twat, Jouyoku.

“Three days, huh? Well I'll get there and back before the sun sets.” The wolf stated proudly.

“Just becare…” The Monk started to say but was cut off by a gust of wind and the sand that blew into his face as the wolf sped away.

His mood was bitter sweet as he watched his companion run off in search of answers that he knew would not be found there. He could only hope that even if the woman could not give him away to help Ayame, maybe she would be able to help him ease his troubled heart.

Hearing a loud crash and a muffled scream come from the inside of the hut, Miroku turned abruptly and ran inside.

Entering the hut he stopped dead in his tracks. His mouth stood agape, his eyes big as saucers,

“S…sang…Sango…what…have…y ou…done?” He stuttered.

He was unable to blink, unable to swallow, unable to think as he stood there staring at his fiancé's face, hands, and Kimono now splattered with blood.

“W…why…Sango?” He mumbled as she raised the knife she held tight with in her hand and plunged it into Ayame's chest once more. He wanted to stop her, he really did, but his legs wouldn't move and his mind wouldn't register what he was seeing with his own eyes.

Unable to tear his eyes away he fell to his knees as she lifted the knife again as if she was preparing to plunge it once more into the girl's chest but she stopped for some unknown reason. It was almost like she was waking from a dream.

Her heart raced within her chest as the images of Ayame licking her, and groping her danced in her head. She heard Jouyoku's voice saying, `I thought you would've figured out by now that Ayame brought you here as a present to me. And she did it all for one touch, one caress of my gentle hands.' Dropping the knife to the ground she slowly looked down at her hands and the blood that coated them then at the body that lay limp and unmoving between her legs.

Her eyes were staring up at nothing and everything. Her pupils were dilated. Her chest no longer rose and fell. Her body lay lifeless as blood poured from the fresh wounds in her chest to pool around her both sides of her neck, and head.

Staggering to her feet she backed away from the body refusing to believe that she had just done this.

Unable to distance herself any further, she slid down the wall of the hut to the floor. Bringing her legs up to her chest she stared at the body unblinking and with little remorse, “She did this…she did it for him. It's her fault.” She mumbled incoherently.

“Oh shit,” The Hanyou finally spoke.

He had sensed when Sango walked into the hut even though his eyes were closed at the time and he had every intention of pretending to be sleep while she no doubt fawned over Kagome, but instead of her coming in his direction she must have went straight for the girl because by the time he opened his eyes she was already straddling her with the knife that Kagome brought back as a gift to Keade. It all happened so fast that by the time he was able to register what was about to happen she had already plunged the knife into the girls' chest and in the process of repeating the act again.

Sure he had killed more than his share of demons, but for some reason this act, this thing that Sango had just done was unforgivable.

The Hanyou cradled the Miko to his chest and thanked Kami that she didn't have to witness this.

“Why?” The Monk whispered.

Glancing over at him she didn't know what to say. She had just killed this defenseless woman. Did she dare tell him that it was Ayame that sat her up to be raped? Did she dare tell him how close she really was to becoming nothing but a mindless puppet? Did she dare tell him that this woman whom life she had just taken had touched her, kissed her, and licked her in places and in such away that no woman should ever do to another woman? Did she dare tell him that the monster had licked her and sucked her in such a manner himself that she was almost lost to him and it was all because of her? Would it make a difference? Would anything that she might say at this time make a difference?

The Monk looked at her, searching her face for answers, for a sign of reasoning, for regret, for anything that would tell him why she did this or what had caused her to do this. He found nothing but sadness, confusion, and a hint of anger. Shaking his head as he tried to make sense of what just happened, the Monk pleaded again, “Please, please just tell me `why'?”

Simonkal of Inuy

He landed softly on the ground with the girl still wrapped tightly within his Mokomoko-sama. Glancing around the area it was just as he had remembered it.

The last time he was here was after his father's death. He had happened upon this place by chance on that fateful day after not being able to change his father's mind about going to save the Ninjen woman whom was with child with his half brother.

At that time he wanted nothing more than to distance himself from his father's stupidity but when he happened upon this place hidden deep within the mountains all thoughts of anger left him. His mind was clear, his body relaxed, his youkai seemed to hum in tune with the rustle of the trees around him. Once again this feeling overcame him and he hoped that perhaps Rin would feel the same.

Glancing down at the now sleeping girl he heard his father's voice asking him, `do you have nothing that you wish to protect?'

“Yes, father I do.” He whispered.

Finally he understood what drove his father to give his life so easily without thought or regret. Finally he could see and feel what he had denied for so long. This thing called love that his father had felt for the woman, Lady Izayoi, was not something he could run away from. The love that his half brother felt for the Miko was so immeasurable that at deaths door his body would not succumb knowing that she was in danger, and this feeling that seemed to swell with in his chest for this girl…this woman that he held close to him was something that he no longer wished to deny.

The fallen blooms from the sakura trees that lined the area laced the pasture in front of and around him as he walked slowly towards the warm brook a few feet ahead of him.

He knew it had been a few days since Rin had last taken a warm bath so he figured that maybe he would apologize to her by honoring her with a tranquil bath. He also knew that Inu-law saw bathing ones intended as a proclamation of love and your desire to gain the others acceptance or forgiveness for any wrong doing. Of course Rin was not aware of any of this, so he could only hope that she would not fight against him.

Gently laying the girl on the ground beside where he stood, he quickly removed his outer and inner robes leaving on his white hakama and his boots.

Untwining his Mokomoko-sama from around her, he laid it on the ground on top of his swords. By doing this he created a hiding place for his priceless possessions as well as a warm comfortable area to lay her, or with her, should she accept his apology.

Picking the girl back up he walked slowly into the water until it was came up to his waist leaving his bare chest in clear view for all to see had there been anyone else present.

The water was rather warm against his abdomen and for that he was thankful. Slowly he lowered the girl into the water fully clothed, as he whispered, “Rin.”

Feeling the wetness rising slowly higher and higher up her body she almost screamed as her eyes flew open. `Where am I?' Was the only thought that ran through her mind.

Looking up she met a warm golden gaze staring back at her. Immediately her cheeks became flushed as she stared back at them. Unable to keep her eyes trained on his own she lowered her gaze and noticed that his stark white robes that he wore religiously were missing. `Oh my!' She exclaimed mentally as she tried to jump out of his arm.

Looking back up at him then down at his chest she didn't know what to think as her hands did the unthinkable.

Reaching down she hurriedly searched for his hakama praying that he still had them on. Grasping underneath the water she grabbed a hold of something that she knew she shouldn't have been holding, but she felt relieved that at least she was touching it through the front of his hakama.

Her hand lingered there a little longer than it should have. Why? She had no idea but she knew she needed to remove it when she heard him clear his throat.

“Satisfied?” He asked.

She didn't reply, she couldn't, she couldn't even look at him at this point, she had just openly groped her lord and besides she didn't know if he was talking about what she felt or the fact that he wasn't completely naked.

Releasing her, he allowed her to stand on her own in front of him.

“Remove your Kimono, it needs to be cleaned.” He stated.

Her head snapped up, her eyes shouting the confusion that warred in her mind.

“If it's okay with you, this Sesshomaru Inu Lord of the Western lands would like the honor of bathing you.”

“Bathe…me?” She whispered in disbelief.

“Will you allow this Sesshomaru to bathe you this once?”

She couldn't believe that he was really asking to bathe her. Looking away from him and at their beautiful surrounding she noticed that where ever they were it was enclosed in what seemed like a mountain or a large cave. The feel of this place was so peaceful, so inviting that she almost removed her Kimono with out realizing it, but that's when she remembered his previous statement to her, “Why, do you wish to bathe this Rin? Is it the filth you wish to wash away?” She asked defiantly.

Staring at her for a moment he decided that this time he would say what was in his heart instead of his head. “This Sesshomaru only wishes to make amends for hurting you. Nothing more.”

Maybe it was the softness of his words, or the rare sincerity in his eyes but her hands of their own accord untied the sash that held her Kimono closed. Shrugging her shoulders just a little she allowed her inner and outer Kimono to fall into the water. After giving her body a once over she looked back up at him her eyes laced with innocence. Stretching her arms out to her sides as if she was on display for him she stated shyly, “Milord, is this Rin filthy?”

He stared down at her standing there like a porcelain goddess. Her skin held a soft pink glow, her long dark hair draped over her shoulders, her eyes so warm and inviting begging for nothing more than acceptance from him. Her breasts sat round and proud. Taking a step back he tried to compose himself, his current intention was not to take her as his mate. He only wanted to make amends, that's all.

Her nipples hardened under his gaze and it took everything within him not to pull her to him and take turns sucking on them as if he were a newborn nursing pup.

His plan was backfiring. He had known that she was now a woman but for some reason until now it hadn't really registered just how much of a woman she truly was. His eyes searched slowly over the rest of her body and he thanked Kami that her lower half was hidden beneath the water.

Regaining what was left of his composure he gazed down at her, his eyes filled with compassion and something that slightly resembled love as he finally replied, “There is nothing filthy about you…nothing at all.”

Unwilling to accept his answer, she shook her head in a negative fashion, “But you said…”

“Hush,” he whispered as he walked up closer to her. “This Sesshomaru only sees your soul and your heart, that's all he needs…if you will still have him.” Lifting her chin so that she was staring at him he continued, “Rin, this Sesshomaru will not apologize for what he has said to his brother.”

Her heart almost stopped with in her chest.

“However, this Sesshomaru will apologize for hurting you with his cold and thoughtless words and he can only hope that you will accept that for what it is and allow him to make amends to you.” He had never been good with apologizing or accepting blame but he figured this was a good start.

`I guess that's as good as it's going to get.' She thought to herself. She figured he'd never apologize for the half-breed comment, but at least she could tell that he felt awful about the way he made her feel and as far as she was concerned that would do for now. Turning around so that her back was to him, she lowered herself beneath the water and rose again still facing away from him, “Milord, this Rin awaits her bath.” She whispered with a smirk that he couldn't see. She may have seemed naïve to most, but she knew that she was a woman and he was a man.

`Dear Kami give me strength.' He begged as he watched droplets of water trickle from her wet hair to slide down her back as if they were teasing, tempting, and taunting him.

Until Next Time…