InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Confrontation ❯ Because You Loved Me ( Chapter 47 )

Disclaimer: I do not own any of them, with the exception of Jouyoku and Miebi Kokushi.

 

Chapter 47: Because You Loved Me

 

The darkness around her faded to gray the higher she floated… the longer she floated. Kagome didn't know where she was being taken and she honestly didn't care. She had made her wish for her hanyou's happiness and deep down she knew it would be granted.

 

`As long as I know he's happy…I can rest…I can rest.'

 

Even in this form…in this place, it still hurt to think that Inuyasha would not be holding her, but someone else…another woman…his third chance at love.

 

The knowledge that she would never feel his lips against hers again or the way his body molded around her own when they slept at night dug deep, carving gapping holes into her heart, but still she tried to be…tried to tell herself…tried to make herself believe that she was happy for him.

 

`I am…I am…happy for him, so happy.'

 

The miko didn't want him to wallow over things that weren't meant to be. She didn't want him to grieve for her, not the way she was sure that he would.

 

Of course she wanted him to mourn her passing, but not to the point of taking his own life or running blindly into battle with some demon and being killed. She wanted him to have what he once wanted with Kikyo. She wanted him to have everything that she herself wanted to give him; a family, a home, unconditional love, and more than anything else, peace.

 

`Yes, peace then…then I'll rest too. Only then…only then.'

 

Yes, even if it wasn't with her, Kagome wanted him to have those things. Even though her spirit as it was would still weep, she wanted him to have those things.

 

All thoughts stopped, ceased be. Then as if a light switch was flipped on she started feeling things, beneath her, behind her, poking her, digging into her flesh. The air around her wasn't cold anymore; it was warm. It was lithe, like a gently breeze, `A kiss from the wind.' She mused, as reality tried to force out all thoughts not dealing with her current situation.

 

`Why? Why am I…what's happening?'

 

Her eyes wouldn't open. Her muscles wouldn't move, but she knew… She knew something had changed. She wasn't in that dark, wet, and cold place anymore.

 

`Where am I? Is…is this hell? Am I being taunted? Let me see…let me see.' She pleaded weakly.

 

All at once she began to hear what she recognized as crickets. Listening more intently she also heard the soft murmur of water, accompanied by the gentle rustle of leaves.

 

`…Water? Where am I? What's going on? Water…I want…I need a bath.' Why she thought that at that moment she didn't really understand, but the feeling of being filthy was almost overbearing.

 

Her chest heaved of its own accord only to descend again. She could feel it. The slow drumming of her heart beating within her chest and blood pumping through her veins.

 

`What's happening? Why? My heart? Why?' To say she was bemused would have been an understatement. `Is this what happened when you're being reborn into your new body? Is this what the Gods do to you before they welcomed you into heaven gates or is it hell?' She didn't understand, didn't really want to. She wanted what she wanted in the beginning, rest and nothing more.

 

The beating in her chest began to blend with that of the blood now pumping through her veins. The miko's eyelids of their own free will opened slowly. Her vision was hazy at best, muddled even. She blinked, tried to focus on something…anything.

 

`Water,' she thought as she stared at the blur that rippled before her. It could have been a million different things and yet, not. `Water'

 

The bewildered miko tried to move but still she couldn't. Glancing down she realized that she was covered in some kind of goo…slime…sludge and still naked as the day she was born.

 

Slowly she felt her toes and fingers begin to tingle, which almost immediately began to spread up her legs and into her arms. The Miko was dumbfounded, what did this mean? Where was she and why?

 

She heard a voice whisper softly in her head, “Miko, your wish for the hanyou has been granted.”

 

She didn't respond. She knew it was Midoriko, and then, as if on cue her shoulders straightened and her back arched in a stretching manner. This caused her to yawn in a manner befitting someone that was just waking from a deep sleep. Memories, things she didn't want to think about…things she wanted to deny came flooding back to her.

 

She and Jouyoku were together doing despicable things to one another. She saw it! Watched it play in her mind as if for the first time! His head between her legs; the heady way it made her feel. She saw herself on her knees before him, with his penis in her mouth; the taste of him…

 

The miko staggered to her feet as quickly as she could. She tried to out walk the visions…the images of her at her weakest point. Kagome stumbled but didn't fall.

 

`If this is heaven…if this was heaven, then why can I still remember that? Why won't those memories go away! That wasn't me! I would never willingly do… That wasn't…it wasn't…' The truth sat before her…on her shoulders, wrapped its grotesque arms around her chest holding her tight. It was ugly and territorial. Eating, festering, and begging her to admit it…to face the consequences…accept it…embrace it for it was.

 

`That was me…it was me…all me!'

 

Tears she wasn't aware she could still shed, poured from her eyes as her knees hit the soft bed of the lake she was now knee deep in. The filth of that act…those things…positions, carved an unforgiving path through her mind. She felt like she was covered by blanket after blanket of disgust! She felt…she felt defiled, contaminated, tainted, and unworthy to anything less than the miserable bowels of hell!

 

`It better this way. It's better that Inuyasha doesn't know what happened. He'd never accept me. How could I expect him to.'

 

Kagome's shoulders began to shake as she lifted her hands to her face and began to slowly wash off the slime that she still couldn't rightfully place. The more she washed the dirtier…the grimier she felt, `No…please…make it stop…make it go away!'

 

She couldn't stop herself; her nails began to dig into her skin as if she could remove the layers that he had touched…that he had groped and used for his pleasure. “Get it off me…get `him' off of me.” She mumbled weakly while continuing to viciously drag her nails across her tender already reddened flesh.

 

 

Simonkal of Inuy

 

 

Unearthly pale skin draped in jet-black tresses sat slumped against a downed log before him.

 

Inuyasha shook his head blinked more than a few times as if to clear his vision and stepped back away from the person…the thing. He was too afraid to hope…too afraid to believe…too afraid of having his heart broken a third time, if there was, anything left to be broken.

 

`I want Inuyasha to be happy.'

 

He heard Kagome's words echoing through his head over and over; still he tried to ignore them…push them away.

 

`Stupid bitch!'

 

He took another step back away from the woman, but that didn't stop his senses from working overtime to figure out just whom she was. His ears picked up the slow erratic beating of her heart, but his nose couldn't discern her scent. It was familiar, but… He couldn't put his finger on it. It smelled like a new scent or rather like her scent had been overlapped by something else…something vile and dark.

 

He stared more intently at the woman's pale skin, `Ki…Kikyou'. That's what it reminded him of…that's whom the scent turned his mind towards.

 

`I want Inuyasha to be happy.'

 

He heard it again being whispered through his mind and he growled low in his throat. `Stupid bitch! I don't want Kikyo! I want you, didn't you understand that! I only wanted you!'

 

Just the thought that she had made a wish for his happiness…the idea that, `that' wish could've been so misconstrued that it may have brought Kikyo back pissed the hanyou off! He would not be happy with her, not after everything he now knew about love, appreciation and acceptance! He would not accept her the way he had accepted Kagome! It wasn't possible!

 

`She…she would never…could never replace you, Kagome. You were the one…the only one.'

 

The woman shuddered and inhaled deeply as if taking her first breath. In return he held his. He didn't want her, who ever she was, to know that he was there. If it turned out to be Kikyo, he promised himself that he would put as much distance as he possibly could between himself and her.

 

If it was Kagome…

 

`No…no it's not her. It can't be! She's dead. Mi…Midoriko told me as much.' He refused to get his hopes up. He refused to acknowledge the familiarity of her scent. He refused to let himself be sucked in again to only be let down.

 

Inuyasha stepped back for a third time away from the woman until his back was pressed firmly against the bark of a large oak tree. He wanted to look away…to jump up into the branches of the trees and run like he had never run before, but he couldn't. He had to know! He had to be sure, even if it meant his heart would break all over again.

 

Inching slowly around the base of the tree until he was hidden from her line of sight should she turn around, he sighed softly, `What the fuck am I doing? I'm acting like I'm nothing more than a scared whelp! Shit, shit, shit and double damn shit!'

 

Turning his back to the woman whom had unknowingly garnered his attention, the hanyou glanced off in the direction of his home and the soft glow of the lanterns and candles that burned as if calling him home.

 

`How could things have changed so drastically? Wasn't it only two days ago when we were seconds from becoming mates?'

 

He smiled for the first time since he had awakened and found out that she was gone. `Ka…Kagome…I…I need…I miss…FUCK!' His smile quickly turned into a deep frown, `you stupid, stupid bitch! Why couldn't you just wish yourself back to me? Or wish me there with you? Stupid…stupid…stupid wench!' He hissed silently, his claws digging into either side of the tree. The irritated hanyou tried to muffle his growls as his thoughts continued, `I'm standing behind this fucking tree hiding from your `stupid' fucking wish! And don't say it's not, because this ain't no fucking `coincidence'!

 

He may not have been the sharpest knife in the drawer, but he knew this woman before him had something, if not everything, to do with his miko's `unselfish wish'.

 

`Feh!'

 

Quieting his mind and his angry thoughts, Inuyasha dared a peek around the tree at the woman in question. Her skin seemed to be getting more color as the minutes ticked by. Her hair, which was limp just a few moments ago, seemed more life like.

 

He didn't know why but he had the urge to sniff and so he did, `Jasmine, honey…vanilla…' Swiftly hiding himself once more he tried to digest this new information. Inhaling deeply he closed his eyes, `No…no…it's not her…not Kagome…it can't be.'

 

He refused to give in…refused to believe…refused to put himself through the torture of hoping, wishing, and believing! How could this be possible? She didn't wish herself back to him! She had only wished him to be happy, that's all…nothing more!

 

`I…I want Inuyasha to be happy. I want him to have all the love that I was saving for him. I want him to feel unrepentant when giving it. I want him to learn to forgive and let go. Can you do that?'

 

`Hanyou, your wish has been granted.'

 

It played in his head as if he was hearing it for the first time and still it made no sense. It only served to piss him off even more! But the woman's scent…it had changed from almost familiar to without a doubt, that of his miko…his deceased miko.

 

`No…it's not Kagome. It can't be! She's dead…dead.' Even as his mind held steadfast to what he knew to be true, his heart told him that it was possible. It told him that perhaps the Gods were giving him a reprieve…a chance to make it…this right.

 

The hanyou heard the woman groan as if she was just waking up and he froze. Even the sound of her voice was similar to that of his love.

 

`Could it be? If it's not her…if it's Kikyo…no, it can't be Kikyo. The Gods wouldn't be so cruel. Feh, of course they would!'

 

Peeking around the tree once more, he watched his obsessions' rose-colored shoulders straighten and her back arch as she yawned lethargically. He silently prayed that she would turn around to face him, if only a half of an inch, so that he could untie the knot that was slowly tightening within his gut with every second that dribbled by.

 

Inuyasha needed to know! He needed to know if his love…Kagome…his equal had returned to him! He needed to know, but he couldn't…he wouldn't take it upon himself to find out. What if he was wrong? What if it was Kikyo? What if it was a stranger?

 

`I damn you to seven hells of misery Midoriko…Jewel of Four Souls, damn you…damn you all!' He hissed out of frustration as he slammed the back of his head against the bark of the tree. `Ouch, that shit hurt! Maybe I am an ass.' He thought absently as he rubbed the back of his head with the ball of his fists.

 

He heard the lady in question shift her position and as if trained to her every move he glanced from around his hiding place and watched as she stood clumsily to her feet. She staggered, but she didn't fall, nor turn around. It was almost like she didn't know where she was or what she was supposed to be doing.

 

His eyes traveled down her body, `She's naked. Why is she naked? What's that slime all over her?'

 

Though a million questions were running through his mind, he didn't dare take a step towards her. Instead his eyes traveled down from her shoulder blades to her perfectly curved waist where her long thick mane peaked, and then down to the two tiny dimples that sat perfectly on the small of her back.

 

`I've seen those before on one person…one…person.' The hanyou's heart stopped…stammered and his stomach did flips as he stepped away from the tree, “Ka…Ka…gome”.

 

She tripped over something causing her to turn her head just enough to show him her profile, but she didn't stop her trek to the lake.

 

At that moment, in that one brief second, he stopped breathing. His blood ceased to pump through his veins, his youkai lurched inside him and he collapsed to his knees. Inuyasha was unable to tear his eyes away from her, away from his reason for living and breathing…for waking every morning.

 

`I…I want Inuyasha to be happy. I want him to have all the love that I was saving for him. I want him to feel unrepentant when giving it. I want him to learn to forgive and let go. Can you do that?'

 

The hanyou understood now. He understood everything. `She didn't wish to come back to me, but she knew…did she know that I couldn't be happy without her? Did Midoriko know? Is that why she sent her back to me? When she made that wish for me, it affected her as well. That has to be it. Nothing else makes sense.'

 

He knew she hadn't seen him but he couldn't take his eyes off of her, he refused to. If he did, then would she disappear? Would this all be nothing but a sick figment of his imagination? Could it be that he had wanted this so bad that his mind created this image in order to appease him?

 

He didn't care. If it was a figment, then he would relish it…soak it in…remember it always.

 

The hanyou watched his newly reborn miko step timidly into the water, `She's so beautiful'. She took another step bringing the water up to her knees, `A day without her felt like a lifetime of agony.' It was something that he never wanted to relive, but this moment…this second in time he would dwell on…live in forever if that was all that he was given.

 

He watched her stop, her shoulders slump and her head bow. Then he smelled it, her tears…his Kagome, she was crying. Trembling…shaking like a leaf caught in the middle of a fierce typhoon.

 

`Why…why is she crying?' He thought as he watched her kneel so that the water barely covered her breasts. `Isn't she happy that she's back? Did she want to leave me? Why, Kagome?' He hadn't even realized that he was moving towards her, until the edges of the lake gently kissed his toes.

 

He halted, stared at her in horror as she began to cry even harder while violently scrubbing and scratching at the skin of her neck, chest, back, shoulders, and face.

 

He didn't know what to think.

 

Was this because of him? Had Jouyoku succeeded in raping her? He didn't want to think about it. Not now…not ever. Right now he only wanted to hold her, to tell her that everything would be okay. He would make sure of it.

 

He stepped closer, his ankles now covered by the lukewarm water. `Please don't cry anymore, I'm here. I won't let him…anyone hurt you ever again.' He wanted to say, but his tongue felt swollen, his throat parched.

 

He heard her mumble, “Get it off me…get him off of me!”

 

He tried not to pay any attention to that, after all, it didn't matter; nothing mattered anymore as long as she was here with him.

 

The smell of her blood assaulted his senses like the stench of a thousand rotting corpses, causing the hanyou to take a half step back, which he quickly recovered with two quick steps forward. Falling to his knees behind her, he pulled her hands away from her body.

 

She had broken the skin on her neck and upper chest right above her breasts. He could see the long raking marks left on her shoulders and the red tell tale scratches from where her nails had been digging into the sides of her beautiful face.

 

Holding her wrists tightly in his hands to either side of her body, he subconsciously leaned into her and inhaled, “Ka…Kagome, why…stop…please.”

 

`I…I can feel her. S…she's real.' He thought joyously.

 

She froze, glanced at the clawed hands wrapped tightly around her small wrists. The first thought that came to mind was, `Jouyoku'. Kagome swirled around lashing out at the persons' face slapping him as she fell back into the lake. “Get away from me! Get…away!” She screamed.

 

Inuyasha stood stock still staring at her, hoping that this wasn't a side effect of something that, that bastard had done to her. Paying no attention to the blow that had his cheek stinging he whispered, “Ka…Kagome, why?”

 

His voice wormed its way into her head, calming her when she didn't want to be calm. Her vision blurred just a little then focused in on the man that hadn't made one step towards her since she had slapped him.

 

Silver hair with damp edges framed his golden tired eyes, dried blood streaked down and across his tanned face, and a blood red soaked Haori stared back at her, begging her silently to understand, to not run away, but she didn't understand. She couldn't fathom what was happening to her. `Where am I? Why is he here?'

 

“Inu…Inu…yasha,” she questioned in disbelief.

 

The Inu Prince stared at her, relief and pain marring his brow. He wanted to go to her, but if she were going to react in the same manner, he wouldn't chance it. He didn't want her running away from him, not now, not after all that he had endured.

 

If he had to…if it was absolutely necessary he would love her from a distance. This he promised himself, but he wouldn't leave her, never again.

 

“You…what…Kagome…I'm…” The right words wouldn't come out. His mind wouldn't grasp exactly what was happening. He had definitely touched her, so he knew she wasn't a figment of his imagination, but why did she attack him like that? Why was she staring at him like she didn't know him…or didn't want to know him?

 

Staring back into the eyes that she had dreamed of for so long she asked hesitantly while taking a step back away from him, “Are you? Am I? How did you…get here? Why are you here?”

 

He didn't know what she was talking about. If anything he should have been asking her that same question. It was less than a few hours ago that he was shedding tears for her. Demanding that the Monk mind his own business and now here she was standing before him, mentally broken and seemingly abused by her own human hands.

 

Blinking, he tried to soften his features as best he could. He quieted the stupid part of him that would have screamed at her for making him worry and do a bunch of other stupid weak shit that he would never have done under normal circumstance. Instead he held out his hand for her to take, palm up, “I've been waiting for you.”

 

She looked down at his hand then back up at his face, `Dried blood? Where's Tetsusaiga?' Shaking her head she staggered a little but righted herself rather quickly. “Please tell me you didn't. Tell me you didn't…” She whispered her voice tinged with just a hint of her rising hysteria.

 

Taking a small step closer he continued to hold out his hand to her hoping that she'd take it, “Kagome it's alright. I'm here now…I'm here.”

 

Stumbling back she couldn't stop the wash of tears that spilled from her eyes and disappeared into the water of the lake. Closing her eyes tightly she balled up her fists in anger and screamed, “Don't you get it, you idiot! I'm dead! I died! You…you…you were suppose to live! You were supposed to be happy! Not here with me…in this disgusting vile place! This is my hell, Inuyasha! Not yours! Mine!”

 

She wasn't angry with him, she was angry that he had `followed her' in death. She didn't want that! She wanted him to live and live well, even if it had to be without her.

 

Inuyasha stared at her dumbfounded. `She thinks she's still dead. She thinks I died to be with her. For someone that's so smart, she sure can act the part of a jackass when she wants to.' He knew that this was not the time or the place to belittle her or rub just how wrong she was in her face. Therefore he inhaled deeply and took another step towards the uncontrollably crying woman, “Kagome…don't you understand?”

 

Lashing out at him again, she screamed, “All I understand is that you're a fool, Inuyasha! I didn't want you to follow me! I wanted you to be happy, that's all I wanted! Mi…Midoriko told me…she said that my wish had been granted! She promised me.” The last part was stated quietly, almost as a whisper as her head dropped in a defeated manner.

 

“Look at me! Look around you, Kagome.” Stepping closer so that he was right in front of her, he leaned in and whispered softly in her ear, “Your wish has been granted.”

 

She pulled back, a look of utter confusion marring her brow. `What is he talking about? I'm dead! This…this is hell, isn't it?' She glanced away from him and at the shoreline. Staring at the tiny lights reflecting through the woods, she frowned concernedly, “…How…I…died.”

 

Holding his hand out to her once more since he had taken a step back, he stated quietly as if it hurt to actually admit, “There is no happiness for me, without you. I…I thought you knew that.”

 

Looking between him and the shoreline she tried to understand just what he was telling her. She tried to block out the visions of the things that she had done to get to this point. “I'm…I'm alive?” That was more of a rhetorical question than anything else; because she knew he wouldn't lie to her, not about something like this.

 

Shrugging off his outer haori he tried his damnedest to ignore the fact that she was stark naked. Glancing away from her succulent breasts and protruding pink nipples he quickly wrapped it around her arms and pulled it together. He hoped that she would get the hint, since she didn't seem to notice or care about her current state of undress.

 

The confused miko glanced down at the red cloth now covering her, then at him once more. `How could this be?'

 

She was prepared to deal with the vile disgusting things Jouyoku had done with and to her on her own, but how was she suppose to handle it now? How was she supposed to tell Inuyasha…the man she loved and wanted more than anything to be with, that she had betrayed him? That her body had betrayed him? Would he believe that she was not in control? Would he laugh in her face and call her a tramp? Would he even listen to her as she told him the sordid details or would he turn away from her forever?

 

`Inuyasha will never accept me. When he finds out…he'll think I'm nothing more than a harlot…a slut. He'll hate me…after everything that I've done, he'll hate me.'

 

Inuyasha's voice jarred her out of her reverie, “Take my hand. I'm not letting you go again.”

 

Kagome stared into his golden eyes then down at his welcoming hand as a new wash of tears began to fall from her eyes, “I…I can't.” She whispered while shaking her head and backing away from him.

 

“You can and you will.” The hanyou demanded softly.

 

Her chest began to heave and her heart started to race as the world around her began to spin uncontrollably. `I have to tell him…I owe it to him.'

 

“I…we…she…Jouyoku…I…” She stuttered while taking another quickstep back as if she was afraid that he would attack her once she said what she felt he needed to know.

 

Realizing immediately what she was trying to say, the hanyou covered the distance between them quickly and placed his hand tightly over her mouth. He pulled her to him so that they were nose-to-nose, cheek-to-cheek, “I don't care. I don't want to hear about it…none of it!” Sniffing her lightly he frowned, but quickly blanked his features before continuing, “You're still a virgin and that's good enough for me. The only thing I care about is right now, from this moment forward…this second on! Nothing else matters! I don't care about what happened yesterday or the day before! I don't care.”

 

Kagome stared at him in disbelief, searching his face for any hint of mistrust. She couldn't believe that he had just said that. Blinking past the tears her body went limp in his arms, her eyes closing of their own accord, “I…I need to tell you. You…you deserve to know.” Reaching up lethargically she grasped a hand full of his hair, “…you…I did it…for you.”

 

“I know.” He whispered while holding her tight against him. “I know and I'm sorry.”

 

“I need to know that you forgive me. I ne…need you to listen…what happened. I…I'm sor...ry. Please don't hate…” Her sentences were fragmented, lethargic, and incoherent.

 

At that moment as the last words fell from her lips, the exhaustion that the miko had been fighting came crashing down on her. She tried to fight it…she tried to listen for his words…his reply, but they never came. The only thing that welcomed her was silence and once more the un-welcomed darkness of her mind

 

Until Next…(All reviews are appreciated!)