InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Contest Two ❯ Wasted ( Chapter 5 )

Story Title: Wasted
Author: KawaiiChica
Disclaimer: Not mine, not the characters or the song, just the idea.
Story Summary: Miroku battles his true curse.
Rating: PG

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"Hold still Kagome, just don't move ok?"

Sango pressed her friend's shoulder down when she tried to sit up. Wincing at the pain in her side, Kagome did as instructed and lay back, gripping the grass beneath her while the wound was tended to. A few feet away, Inuyasha lay unconscious, his own wounds already bandaged and healing.

Taking shallow breaths to assuage the pain, Kagome cried out suddenly when a small stream of water was poured onto a particularly nasty tear. Apologizing, Sango wiped off the dried blood carefully and pressed a bandage over it.

"Sango?"

"Hmm...?" The taijiya continued her work, waiting for her to continue.

"Is everyone else all right? I seem to have fainted," Kagome whispered.

Glancing over her shoulder at the guilt-ridden houshi sitting a few yards away, Sango sighed quietly before replying. "Inuyasha's hurt but you know how fast he heals, Shippo got a few bruises but he's ok. I'll be sore for the next few days but other than that we're all fine."

Kagome nodded, lifting her head to get a quick look at everyone, "And Miroku-sama?"

"He's fine," Sango nudged her back down carefully. Looking over her shoulder again, Sango watched Kirara try to stand and fall back down. Realizing her youkai had been injured, she finished with Kagome quickly and hurried over to her kitten's side.

Picking up her faithful pet, Sango kneeled beside Miroku and touched his shoulder, "Houshi-sama I must tend to Kirara's wound, could you keep an eye on Kagome for me? She might try to get up."

"Of course," Nodding briefly, Miroku stood and watched her go, hesitating a moment before moving to kneel beside Kagome.

"Miroku-sama, daijobu?" She whispered, smiling despite her pain, relieved to see him uninjured.

"Hai, I'm just fine Kagome-sama"

Looking into her eyes, he saw the pain there and that her creamy complexion had paled significantly due to the blood loss from her injuries. [She got those while saving me - she risked her life to save mine]

Still in shock over all that had happened, his cursed hand gently took hold of hers, doubts on what he'd done to deserve such loyalty overwhelming the stunned houshi. This girl had nearly died to save him, Miroku, the lecherous houshi who'd groped her constantly and teased her to no end for her crush on Inuyasha.

He'd never wanted to be close to anyone, knowing that because of his curse he could die any day. Yet this girl had convinced him to travel with them, she became his friend and had eventually come to be like a sister to him.

And here she was, pale, hurting, and asking about his welfare.

-
I've spent
My life
Running from the emptiness
That haunts me
-

"Your hand? You didn't use the Kazaana did you?"

Kagome raised her hand weakly and reached for his, relieved to feel his rosary beads in place. Looking up into his eyes, she saw a deep sorrow in them and gasped softly in surprise.

"What is it?"

"Nothing," Miroku shook his head and looked down at their clasped hands, noting the difference in the sizes. Unable to keep from asking, he found himself blurting out the question that had plagued him since she threw her body over his during the battle.

"Why Kagome? Why risk your life to save mine?"

Squeezing his hand, Kagome sighed and closed her eyes for a second before speaking. "Why do I bring Inuyasha ramen, and Shippo chocolates? Why do I do Sango's hair and listen to Kaede

teach me about herbs?"

Miroku shrugged, unsure of what she was getting at.

"Because it makes them happy and that makes me happy, you see..."

Opening her eyes, she lifted their hands and settled them over her stomach, lightly tugging him down closer so she could whisper into his ear.

"I love them"

-
And I've spent
My whole life
Trying to fuck
The loneliness away
-

"L-love them?" Miroku blinked, looking down into her warm gaze.

Giving a short nod, Kagome smiled sweetly and brushed a kiss on his cheek, "Like I love you too."

Miroku froze, staring in stunned silence at the girl beneath him, holding his deadly hand as if the beads were not there, as if there were no danger in it. Seeing his surprise, she giggled and kissed his cheek again, laying back with that smile still on her lips.

"You love me?"

"Of course Miroku, don't you know that?" Kagome yawned and shivered suddenly.

Realizing that her shirt was in shreds, most of the things in her bag had been ruined, and that there was a chilly breeze in the air, Miroku lay down beside her, resting on his left side to block the wind as much as possible with his body.

Keeping their hands on her stomach, Kagome gave him a sleepy smile and whispered a soft thank you before falling into a deep, healing sleep. Watching her in her slumber, Miroku felt a wave of tenderness and affection for the girl beside him, followed by guilt at the pain she was in because of him.

-
And I die
Inside
When I think of all the people
I have damaged
And I'm tired
I'm so tired
And there's no one else
Except myself to blame
-

-Flashback-

"Would you bear my child?"

-slap-

Kagome sighed and shook her head at the houshi rubbing his cheek, "Why do you ask that of every woman you meet?"

"You never know when you'll get a positive reply Kagome-sama," Miroku grinned, watching her roll her eyes. "Surely you understand my need for an heir, what with this curse and all."

"No I don't," Kagome snapped, uncharacteristically angry for some reason, "You're going to get rid of that curse one day and what then? What will you do? All your travels, what have they accomplished? What have you done? Is there really any place where you would go home to?"

Miroku frowned, "Go home to? No, I can't say I have such a claim on any place in particular."

Kagome nodded, "So when we finish this quest you'll go on wandering? You'll go back to being alone?"

"Sango's going back to her village and Inuyasha's probably going back to his forest. Shippo will be with Kaede and I have to finish school, what about you? You're the only one who's completely alone Miroku, if you're going to have an heir, shouldn't you have a wife?"

Kagome watched him for a reaction while continuing, "You know, a woman to come home to, grow old with and all that?"

Miroku stopped and eventually shook his head, "I couldn't do that. I couldn't get some poor woman to fall in love with me and then leave her and possibly die. It wouldn't be fair."

"But you're not..."

"Its a distinct possibility that I will die on this quest Kagome-sama, we must face up to that fact."

Giving him a teary glare, Kagome shook her head, "No we mustn't! That's just a cop-out Miroku, you use that to keep everyone away. You know as well as I do that you're not going to die any time soon."

When a tear slipped down her cheek, Miroku stepped forward and wiped it away, confused by the strength of her resolve about that. "We will all die Kagome-sama, someday. My curse just makes my death more of a threat. No one can be guaranteed anything in this life though, even you, kami forbid, may die in an attack tomorrow."

Nodding her head, Kagome's shoulders slumped in defeat, "I just don't want you to end up alone Miroku, I worry about you sometimes, you look so sad and lonely every once in a while. Its like you forget for a moment and your mask slips and there's such sadness in you."

Not knowing how to answer that, Miroku watched her wipe her eyes and turn away, moving towards a ribbon stand nearby.

- End Flashback -

Her words came back to him now, haunting him.

"You're going to get rid of that curse one day and what then? What will you do? All your travels, what have they accomplished?... Is there really any place where you would go home to?... You'll go back to being alone?"

-
My life's been wasted
Everything is gone
My life's been wasted
And I am all alone
My life's been wasted
There is no one else
My life's been wasted
It's time I face myself
-

"This is so good!"

Kagome bit into her fish happily, thankful that they'd been given dinner by the owner of the house. She still needed to be careful not to move too much and had been carried on Inuyasha's back during their last two days of traveling, but she was looking much better now.

Nodding in agreement, Sango finished off her dinner and lay back with a sigh. It was nice being inside and out of the storm, they were lucky to find the village not long after it had begun. And it had been a while since they'd had anything other than ramen, even Inuyasha praised the food.

Keeping his eyes on his plate, Miroku missed the worried look Kagome gave him, snapping from his musings when the shoji was knocked on.

"Hai?"

Sango got up and went to slide it open, the gentleman, a rich rice plantation owner, smiled and explained. "We were not expecting company this evening so I must go to a gentleman's gathering, I wondered if perhaps you cared to join us Houshi-sama?"

Glancing at the girl sitting across from him, Miroku saw her worried frown and quickly turned away, moving to stand from the table. "It sounds like a fine idea, I thank you for the invitation."

Turning to close the shoji, he caught Sango's glare and looked past her, dismayed to see Kagome's crestfallen _expression. Forcing down the guilt that plagued him, he quietly shut the door and walked out, following the enigmatic man through the rain to a nearby Tea House.

Hours and many sake cups later, a soaked and tipsy Miroku returned and stumbled into the room, attempting not to wake the others. Unfortunately, the shoji didn't seem to approve of his activities either because it refused to close, making him curse aloud and wake Kagome.

Sitting up and wiping her sleepy eyes, she realized the state he was in and sighed audibly.

Standing and coming over to his side, she lightly touched her foot to his making him look down and see the problem with the shoji.

Apparently - his foot was in the way.

With a sheepish grin, he moved it and pushed on the door, wincing when it slammed against the doorframe. Looking back quickly, they were relieved to see Inuyasha turn away from the sound and Sango remain unaffected, Shippo and Kirara slept on also.

Silently leading him towards his futon, Kagome took away his and gently helped remove his soaked garments, leaving Miroku clad in the lightly damp yukata he wore beneath the robes before pushing him down onto his bedding. Tugging the blanket up to his chest, she heard him moan and shook her head a little.

Her voice was held a deep sorrow which quickly sobered him as she leaned down and lay a soft kiss to his forehead, whispering against it. "When are you going to stop hurting yourself this way?"

-
I've spent
My life
Trapped inside
A cycle of self destruction
-

Wincing at the truth in her words, Miroku grabbed her hand before she could move away and looked up into her eyes. Such sadness there, for him, she worried about him. She'd told him herself.

"Kagome-sama..."

"Hai?"

Raising her free hand, she pushed a wet bang out of his eyes, fingertips soothing the dizziness in his head a bit.

"Have you ever been drunk?"

She blinked, confusion shone in those lovely orbs, "Nani?"

"Have you ever been drunk?"

Shaking her head, she lightly rubbed his temple, somehow knowing he had a pounding headache and that it would be eased away by her touch.

"It helps"

"How can getting yourself sick help anything?"

Closing his eyes to enjoy her minstrations, he raised her captive hand and placed it as his other temple, releasing it when she took the hint and gently rubbed there too. Her voice was soft but persistent as she spoke again, demanding an answer.

"How can being drunk help anything Miroku?"

"Pain"

"I thought I was getting rid of it," Kagome stopped, her hands remaining on his face.

"No- yes... not that pain," Miroku sighed and took one hand again, lowering it to his chest, resting above his heart.

"Oh, that pain," Kagome flattened her palm, her thumb circling soothingly.

Lifting his hand to the one on his face, Miroku touched them to his temple as he explained."If this is numb," He squeezed her hand.

"The pain here is forgotten," Miroku pressed down lightly on the one over his heart.

Kagome nodded, sliding her hand down from his face to his shoulder. Smiling sadly, she raised it again and traced the outline of his jaw with one finger, following it down to his neck and back up again. Sitting there for what felt like hours, they remained trapped in the moment, eyes locked

together, her gaze was deep and sorrowful yet understanding all at once. Miroku felt a connection, some force keeping them there, and it was as if she could see into his very soul for a minute.

Too soon however, the spell was broken by a snore from the opposite side of the room. Blinking at the sound, Kagome glanced over her shoulder at the kitsune in her bedding and rolled her eyes.

Looking back down again, she watched Miroku yawn with smile which quickly turned melancholy again. Leaning down, she surprised him with a kiss on the cheek and a soft whisper in his ear.

"Forgotten momentarily, but how soon until the haze clears?... How long before you're alone once more?"

Glancing into his eyes again, she brushed one last kiss to his forehead and moved away, sliding into her own bedding and leaving him to his thoughts.

-
And I've spent
My whole life
Trying to numb
The pain inside my soul
-

[If only you knew Kagome, you can't understand what its like]

Miroku lay staring up at the ceiling, sobered by her words and his troubles.

He couldn't settle down and have a family, not if he knew he was going to die and leave them soon. His flirting was harmless, just a way to lighten the reality of his situation a bit, he had no intention of siring a child he could never hope to see grow up. He'd been just a child when he'd seen his own father die and he'd sworn to himself, no child of his would have to go through the horrors of that sight.

It still haunted him, the horrified screams, the winds, the arms holding him back as he cried out for the man he'd worshiped and idolized in the way every son idolizes his father.

Falling asleep eventually, he found himself there once again, surrounded by the same icy winds, the same hands holding him back, the bright light from his father's hand as it swallowed him whole. But then the screams changed, from his child's voice to a higher pitched one - a very feminine voice. And the he saw it all become different, and it was no longer him being held back.

Struggling against a pair of unseen hands, Kagome stood in his place screaming, not his father's name but his. Tears streamed down her cheeks and she stared ahead, and then he realized it wasn't his father being sucked into the void, it was him. She was watching him die, helpless, screaming, crying, and he could do nothing to stop it, just as his father had been able to.

Sitting upright in his futon, Miroku woke in a cold sweat, body heaving and trembling. Rising to his feet, he rushed from the room, needing fresh air, needing for a moment some way to remind himself that he was still alive, still there. Plunging out into the storm, he stood in the great house's courtyard and raised his head to the sky.

The cold water soothed him, pricking like needles, sending gooseflesh along his skin, and assuring him of his being there. This was real, he was real, and he was not yet dead.

A sound broke into his thoughts, low and pained and to his surprise, he realized it was a sob, his sob.

Wondering when the last time he'd felt so overwhelmed with despair, he stood there, unable to stop the wrenching sounds coming from his body. Too long, so long since he'd worried like this, analyzed and realized how alone he truly was.

How could one be alone when in a crowded village?

How could one be alone when in the company of friends?

Of family?

Stepping towards a nearby bench, Miroku sat and rested his back against it, on the ground, legs bent, elbows resting on his knees, hands sliding through his hair, stopping at the base of his neck.

And he wept, long and hard, the cold and rain forgotten in the darkness that had already swept over his life.

[Its my own fault... my own damn fault... I chose this... I chose to be alone...]

[So why does it hurt so badly now?]

-
And furious
I cry
When I realized
I fought this war with no one
I'm tired
I'm so fucking tired
Gotta find a way
To keep myself alive
-

Everything had been fine before, he traveled alone without a care in the world. He had friends all over Japan, knew people in innumerable villages, men, women, merchants, geishas, sailors, whores. He'd helped some, cheated a few others, drank with most and gambled every so often as well.

Faces flashed through his mind suddenly, people he'd met and briefly befriended on his travels.

Kirei - the boy he'd saved from a gang of collectors near Kyoto.

Aoi - the pretty girl sold to a brothel by her spiteful stepfather.

Yuri - a servant girl who'd snuck him into her mistress' home and given him shelter overnight,

eyes sparkling when he'd asked her to bear his child.

Ryusuke - a merchant about to lose his home and shop because of a cruel daimyo's high taxes.

People he'd met and learned about, but never really thought of again. Would his whole life be like that? Did any of them ever remember him now?

Would any of them ever know or care if he lived or died? Would anyone?

The truth hit him suddenly and left him cold and empty.

-
When I reach the end
Will anything I've done
Mean anything?
-

Probably not

-
Will anything I've done mean anything?
-

Warmth reached him suddenly, bringing Miroku from his despair as something soft and dry was wrapped around him. Blinking through the tears and rain in his eyes, he stared at the girl kneeling before him in shock.

"I'm sorry"

Kagome sniffled and her chin trembled, "Its not my place to judge you or your actions, I'm sorry that I hurt you."

Shaking his head, Miroku saw her shiver and realized she'd wrapped her blanket around him, leaving herself at the mercy of the storm. Raising his arms, he reached forward and pulled her body into the space between his legs, shushing her soft cry and wrapping the blanket around them both.

With her head resting against his chest, he felt not only her physical warmth but also the soothing warmth of her aura surround him and ease away the cold emptiness within him. Curling up in his lap, Kagome wrapped her arms around his waist and raised her head to look into his face.

Realizing she'd spoken, he shook himself out of it and asked her to repeat herself.

"I said I'm still sorry"

"No, you were right" Miroku sighed and closed his eyes, resting his cheek against her forehead as he spoke. "I chose to be alone to spare others the pain of separation when I died."

"But you won't..." Kagome quieted when his thumb gently touched her lips.

"I also did it to save myself the guilt and pain of their loss. If I died no one would care and I would be free to go without worries. Its what I wanted."

"But that's so sad," Kagome whispered, shivering at a cold gust of wind that blew over them. "Its such a lonely way to live."

"I see that now," Miroku agreed, crossing his legs around her, cocooning her body in his to keep the cold away. As it was, they were both soaked through already. Why in the world they didn't get up out of the rain he wasn't sure, but something kept him there.

That something shifted and sighed, her breath fanning across his bare chest while her cheek rested against it, the steady beating of his heart thundering beneath her ear. "You see it?"

"I do," Miroku felt another gust of wind, followed by another shiver.

"And?"

"Everything's been useless really," He sighed and closed his eyes, "Everything I've done... for nothing."

To his surprise, her hands lifted and came out of the blanket, cradling his face in them so he would look down at her. Despite the rain falling into her eyes, Kagome smiled and shook her head.

"Its been good for something Miroku, everything happens for a reason."

"Why then? What good did my pushing everyone away do?"

"Besides all the good you've done. Its made you see that your father was not as wrong as you've always thought." Kagome ignored the rain and kept her eyes on his.

Miroku frowned, "My father?"

"You watched him die, you were so little and it must have been terrifying," Kagome lowered his head and had him rest it on her shoulder while her arms slipped around his and hugged him tightly, her voice soft and soothing when she spoke again.

"Traumatizing also, for a child to see such a horrible way to die. I realized after we learned about

it that you'd decided then and there to keep everyone away, to spare them that pain."

He nodded, arms tightening and pulling her body closer, clinging to her like a lifeline. Kagome understood and tightened her hold, resting her cheek against his. "He never meant for you to see that, if he'd known when it would happen I'm sure he'd have been long gone but he wasn't prepared. And he understood that a life without love and friendship is no life at all, so he took the risk Miroku, he settled down to bring you up and I'm sure his only regret in those last moments was your being there to watch."

"Can I take that risk though? I've been fine until now," Miroku mumbled.

"Then why were you crying when I came out?" Kagome argued.

Opening his mouth to answer, he was cut off by a flash of lightning, followed soon by a roll of thunder. Feeling her jump at the sound, he realized they were still outside and raised his head, smiling down at her gently.

Ignoring her confused gaze, he stood and shook some life into his limbs again, feeling the stinging as blood rushed into his cold hands and feet. Squatting, he lifted the drenched girl and blanket into his arms, carrying her inside to their room.

Setting her down beside the door, he took the blanket and tossed it into a corner. Quickly locating another, he handed it to her and turned his back so she could remove her pj's and wrap it around herself. Knowing she'd also turned her back, he found himself another blanket and wrapped it around himself, throwing his yukata into the corner as well.

Listening to his movements, she turned and surprised him then, tucking him into his bed but instead of moving away, sliding down to join him. Lifting and wrapping his arms around herself, Kagome nestled into his warmth, her head resting on his shoulder. When he failed to move, she moved back a little and raised her face to look into his.

Seeing the uncertainty there, Kagome raised herself on one elbow and whispered. "We have two options Miroku; A- you raise your left arm and I take it as a sign to leave, or B- you close them both around me and let me sleep here, with you."

Miroku looked down and into her eyes again, understanding the meaning behind his decision. If he accepted this now, there'd be no going back.

Either he pushed Kagome, and everyone else, away - keeping himself locked in his solitary hell.

Or he pulled her to him - and opened himself up to the world for the first time since he'd gotten

his curse, at the risk of hurting those who came to care for him.

A life of solitary wandering

or

The chance for something more

-
Will anything I've done mean anything?
-

[What will it be Miroku?]

He remembered his earlier thoughts:

Would anyone ever care if he lived or died?

Everything I've done... for nothing.

And he realized in that moment, his true curse.

Not the Kazaana, but...

Loneliness

His self-induced solitude

-
My life's been wasted
Everything is gone
My life's been wasted
And I am all alone
My life's been wasted
There is no one else
My life's been wasted
-

"Miroku?"

Kagome whispered his name, worry evident in her tone, bringing him from his thoughts and he realized he'd closed his eyes.

Wordlessly, he tightened his hold, dragging her forward to rest her head on his shoulder again.

With a smile, Kagome snuggled in close, placing a kiss to his shoulder, neck, cheek and a quick peck to his lips.

Eyes widening at that, Miroku saw the blush spread on her cheeks and smiled, guessing it had been her first kiss by the awkward way her lips had brushed over his. Lowering his head, he saw her eyes close seconds before his mouth descended onto hers. This second kiss was equally sweet, a gentle, heart-felt caress to express his feelings.

And it did, Kagome understood perfectly, and it was all she could ask for in a kiss. Tender, loving, she could practically hear his words as if he spoke them out loud.

[Thank you... I'll be ok now... I love you...]

-
It's time I face myself
-

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Yes, my entry is once again, a songfic. I heard this song and immediately thought of Miroku. Sorry for the length, I'm telling you, the song just inspired me to write this, it all but wrote itself.

I hope you all like it!