InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Cursed ❯ Day One Hundred Seventy Six ( Chapter 8 )

Chapter Eight - Day One Hundred Seventy Six

 

Ever since seeing Takana nearly nude that day over a month ago, Shin thought about her that way often. It wasn't that he made a conscious effort to do so, it just happened much to his utter dismay and sometimes embarrassment. It happened at the most inexplicable times as well. She would be bent over a pot of stew that would serve as their food for the next several days and he would unconsciously begin to ponder just what her naked form would look like in that position. The moment the vision popped into his head, he would immediately turn from her, shake his head and try to think less arousing thoughts. At times, it was so intense a thought, that it would actually affect him physically. Those times were the worst and found himself both thanking and cursing the confined space of her hut. He thanked it because the occasional physical evidence of his arousal was easy to conceal due to the lack of necessity to move around much but he also cursed it for the simple fact that it was so small; there was no way of escaping her presence within its tiny, one room premises.

 

If Takana noticed any of his strange behavior, she did a suburb job of keeping the knowledge to herself. Unfortunately, it was her lack of mentioning it that could only confirm that she had indeed noticed for she was far to perceptive a creature to not have seen his consternation and sharp looks directed at anything but her. And if she had declined to question him about his strange behavior, then she most likely was well aware of his motives for acting in such a peculiar way. Then there was the constant thought as to her motives for remaining silent as she was. It could either be because she did not want to cause him any more embarrassment than he already was experiencing or more likely, the whole situation made her uncomfortable due to her past. He hated to think that his foolishness and lack of perceptiveness was the cause of and discomfort for her, especially the kind he was inspiring in her now. He could only imagine how difficult it must be, to be a woman that had been forced against her will and then be thrown out of the only place and away from the only people she had ever known as a result. She did not deserve such treatment and the mere idea of it was enough to make him grit is teeth and clench his fists. 

 

“It was not your fault, you know?” He stated more than asked as his metal revelations made its way to his mouth. He noted her immediate confusion when she turned to face him.

 

“What wasn't my fault?” She asked, though he could tell that halfway through asking her clarification question that she realized exactly to what he was referring.

 

She looked away from him immediately and he felt like a moron for his verbal attack of diarrhea. How could he let himself say such a thing to a woman who obviously had no desire to discuss the situation with him? Besides coming to her rescue from those disgusting excuse for men, he had never given her no reason to trust him in such a way. He couldn't even have a conversation with her without the nagging feeling that he shouldn't; so why now was he bringing up such a sensitive issue? Why couldn't he just keep his mouth closed? He had been so good at remaining silent so far. So why when he most should have remained thus, did he ask the most personal question of her that he ever could have?

 

`Idiot.' He silently chastised himself. He envisioned himself actually smacking his own face. He deserved such treatment.

 

Takana was so thoroughly thrown off guard by his statement that she didn't even notice the obvious play of self deprecating emotions cross his face and obvious emotion on his face was something that rarely ever happened. She hadn't expected such a question and might even had made it through the day without thinking of it. Day without the constant shame had been practically non-existent before his arrival but lately, several days could pass before the thought occurred to her.

 

The fact that he had asked such a thing actually worried her. Did it mean that he thought of her humiliation often? Was she so tainted, was he so disgusted by it that he could not bring himself to think of anything else concerning her but it? She knew that was how her father had been and now she felt foolish that she had allowed herself to think that Shin would be any different. She didn't even know him in all reality. So why would she expect him to be able to look past something so shameful? Tears began to form in her eyes and she refused to look at him, the embarrassment and shame were simply too great.

 

Shin mentally smacked himself again when she didn't say a word for the longest time. He knew she was crying, he didn't need to be able to smell it to know that. His eyes scrunched together. How did he know what tears smelled like? He suddenly had a strange sickening feeling in the pit of his stomach, like he was being dropped off a cliff. It felt like he was about to find something he'd desperately been searching for when he was suddenly pulled back to the situation he'd created by the sound of her voice.

 

“I'm sorry.”

 

Now he was really confused. Not only did he feel slightly nauseous from the strange sensations he'd just experienced but he had no idea for what she was apologizing. It was said with the exact same defeated tone and with the exact same words as the day he had saved her from those two men. He had mostly ignored her apology then, dismissing it with a quick statement but his words then had obviously not been taken to heart. He had never seen her do anything wrong. She had never given him a cross word, or a cross look. She had saved his life and healed his injuries. What then did she have to be sorry for?

 

“What are you apologizing for?” He asked, the confusion and mild irritation that he couldn't suppress evident in his voice.

 

“For being so worthless.” She whispered to her hands that sat limply in her lap. She still couldn't look at him, she was too ashamed. She truly didn't know how she brought those things on herself. She didn't know why that youkai had picked her that day, why he had done what he did to her or what she had done to encourage it but she knew with complete certainty that it made her feel weak, dirty and worthless. She thought she had fixed it, whatever it was, but it had happened again, or would have if it hadn't been for Shin. She tried so hard but it seemed that nothing she did solved her problem. She lived alone, only went into town when absolutely necessary and barely spoke to anyone. She didn't dress provocatively and wore drab, loose fitting clothing but nothing seemed to help. The villagers still saw her as nothing but a youkai's whore, just like her father told her she was. She hadn't wanted to be forced to the ground that day, to have him hit her and then hurt her in the worst way she could conceive! She truly didn't!

 

“You are not worthless.” He stated plainly and in all honesty. “Why would you think that you are?”

 

She couldn't shake the feelings she had lived with for the past four years. “I am.” She said quietly, still seemingly fascinated by her tightly clasped hands. “I am because somehow I let him, I would have let them.

 

His irritation from before immediately burned into anger. She blamed herself for her rape and for the men that had attacked her. How could she? His next question held more venom in the tone than he would have liked but it was a question he needed to ask.

 

“Did you want them to?”

 

“NO!” She spun her head to look him.

 

“Did you ask them to?

 

“No.” She answered again, a little less fervently.

 

“Did you do anything to invite it?”

 

She just shook her head no, tears streamed down her face and she turned her eyes back to her lap.

 

“Then you did nothing wrong. You were not at fault.”

 

“But...” She trailed off, tears dripping onto her fervently clasped hands.

 

Now he was truly angry. Not only did she believe possibly the most foolish notion he'd ever heard, but now she did not believe his words, and he did not lie. He quickly moved through the few feet of space that separated them and firmly grasped her chin with one hand, the hand of the arm she had healed. He pulled her head up until their eyes met, he would make her know his mind and make her know that it was the only possible truth available to her.

 

“There are no buts. You had no control over what that despicable excuse for a living creature did. The youkai was assuredly a hundred times your strength and you could not have stopped it had you been surrounded by those who would have protected you. It is not your fault that he took what he did. It is not your fault that your father was a fool that could not see past his own shame and see just what it was he was casting aside. You saved my life and I will not have someone of your talents, your skill and your devotion to life tell me that she is anything less that miraculous. You have done all this alone, lived alone for years with no help from anyone. The men that attacked you were spineless cowards that should not have been spared that day.” He paused a moment to catch his breath after the sermon he had just uncharacteristically delivered. “Never...ever...again, tell me that you are worthless; do not even hint at the notion. You do us both shame by saying such a thing and yourself even more if you actually believe it.” For the first time since waking in this tiny hut and speaking to this amazing woman, he felt as though her were speaking to an equal. It felt…satisfying.

 

She looked into his eyes, into those impossibly blue eyes. She'd noticed them before, the first time he woke up. One couldn't miss something like that, something so uncommon where dark eyes dominated the faces of every other person she'd ever known but for the first time, she truly found them beautiful. Not because of their startling color but because of what she saw behind them. He really didn't think she was disgusting. He didn't think she was worthless, that she was tainted. He just saw her and it was probably the first time in her life that anyone ever had.

 

“Don't ever tell me that you are sorry for that again. Do you understand?” It was another one of his commands but this one was said with a softer tone that she'd ever heard him use.

 

She just nodded, her throat too swollen on her own emotions to utter a sound.

 

 

Lamb - Thank you very much. I'm glad you like the day chap headings but I'm not exactly sure what I'm going to do once I hit 365 because the story will continue after that day. Oh well, burn that bridge when we get to it...hmmm, that's not quite right is it? But then again, I'm not quite right so it works out. Your exactly right about the time flow issue and that's why I did it, gives the reader an easy reference point, builds suspense for day 365 and make it easy on me. I don't have to constantly refer to the time of year in the story to keep my readers up on it. Thanks again.

AngelsRebellion - heheheh, that's definitely what his internal dialogue was screaming! Hilarious.

angelsfalltearfully - Gotta make that aloof Sess reference every once in a while just so you don't think I'm trying to presto chango his character overnight. I hate short chaps too but hopefully the quick update calmed your nerves enough. Write to you later.