InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Dead Boy's Poem ❯ Dead Boy's Poem ( Chapter 1 )

Dead Boy's Poem

 

Summary: He didn't want to shame them anymore. Kohaku-centric

 

 

OooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooo oOOOOOOOOOOOO

 

They didn't know I was sane. They didn't know I knew what I was doing. No one did. Not even Naraku knew. He thought all my memories had been erased, that I was his undead servant. Not even the ever knowing silent Kanna. I held every last memory in my tortured head. When I killed all those people, when I fought my sister, I knew. I wanted so badly to call out, to tell her how my soul was bleeding….But why should I burden her more?

 

Born from silence, silence full of it

A perfect concert, my best friend

So much to live for, so much to die for

If only my heart had a home

 

I loved music. The tones always struck my heart, made me feel at peace. But when did I deserve peace? Ever since I was little, I always annoyed everyone and got in the way. Even if my sister did always smile and say it wasn't my fault, I knew it was. All those demons, all those humans. They had been killed by my hand, and I knew it. Music was nice, I loved it. But I loved silence so much more. Because then I knew, I was dead, but still forced to walk because of my sins. But if I still walked, I still sinned. I died again and again everyday, and yet, I didn't. Once, I had been alive. I had wanted so badly to live. But now it didn't matter. The undead had no wishes, right? I would always say:

 

“ I'm living to die, yet dying to live.”

 

They would always laugh and act like they thought I didn't understand my words. But I understood them completely. Even with all my seriousness, I was mocked. But I still believed in my people. Despite their mockery, we fought for what was right. The better of all people. But now…now I didn't fight. I murdered and ravaged. Everywhere I went, someone died. It was always that way. I miss you everyone. Despite your laughing, I stayed because you were always there, especially you Sango. I can never forget you and your sad, sad, brown eyes. The way you look at me and plead for me to remember. But I do. I just can't tell. Beause I won't let myself. You always said I was the perfect brother, Sango. But why don't you smile? I want you to smile. If I died, would you smile? But I'm already dead Sango. You just don't think that because I still walk around, killing everyone. You all believe I can redeem. Inuyasha, I hate him. He stopped you from giving me peace. But I don't deserve that do I? But those people don't deserve to die either, but I still kill them. I do it because I'm told to. I know Naraku's not right, but Sango wouldn't want me back. Not after I killed our people.

 

You don't want me back, right Sango? That's why you fight me, that's why you cry. That's why you still bleed. I can still bleed Sango. I just don't bleed red. I bleed tears.

 

Did you know that demons bleed black Sango? I've seen it many times. It still slides down my skin. I can feel it.

 

Do you know I still remember you Sango? No you don't. Because then you would cry harder. You would bleed more.

 

But did you know Sango, I'm dead? No you don't. You think I can still feel. But I can't. The dead and undead don't have needs or wants. That's the its always been, right Sango?

 

Did you know that not all mothers cry for their children, Sango? Of course not, you are blinded by your tears and blood. You're blinded by the fighting. But I'm not. I kill children Sango, and their mothers don't even cry or flinch.

 

Did you know I used to love you Sango? Of course you did, because you loved me back, right Sango?

 

Sing what you can't say

Forget what you can't play

Hasten to drown in to beautiful eyes

Walk within my poetry, this dying music

-My loveletter to nobody

 

I have nobody but myself now. Just my scythe and I. And no one would dare approach a boy who looks crazy. Not normal. Right Sango? You know all about that. Despite all this fighting and death, there'll be a better world someday, right Sango? If you live to see it, will you tell me about it one day Sango? I would like to know. I already know too much, so what's wrong with learning a bit more? I know so much, that I ask more questions. Why does man exist, when all we do is just live and die, live and die? I've seen both sides, but you haven't Sango. I don't want you to, because everything looks ugly on the other side. But then again, I'm dead, so I don't matter, right Sango? You used to love me, right Sango? That thought used to make me happy, but I can't feel anymore. But you don't love me anymore, do you Sango? Because I'm dead. Because I can't bleed red. Because I still remember. I still remember the day, the night, the wishes we used to share. I still remember. I'm still sane. Come talk to me Sango, it'd be nice to talk to you. But always remember that I'm dead, so I don't have needs or wants, okay Sango?

 

I met this little girl Sango. She's nice. She's innocent. She's cute. Her name is Rin. Did you know she travels with Lord Sesshomaru? Did you know she has nothing to do with our fight, but Naraku involved her anyway? You know all about that, right Sango? We both do, we all do. Do you want to go home Sango? You can't go home now, because I destroyed it. And I'm not sorry Sango, because I'm dead. The dead don't have feelings. Why do I keep asking you these questions Sango? Can you tell me? Remember I'm not disturbed, so don't talk like I am, okay Sango?

 

You have beautiful eyes Sango, did you know that? I'm sure that monk has told you already, but you probably hit him, didn't you Sango? You'd make mother proud. But I wouldn't. Because I am the shame of the family, shame of the demon slayers, right Sango? You don't really care anymore, do you Sango? You just want the fighting to end. I would to, but I don't have wants. I don't have needs. I don't have feelings. It's all because I died. You tried to protect me, but your love and protection wasn't enough to fight it. Wasn't enough to fight the claws of death. Didn't you die too, Sango? I thought you did. I thought we saw each other on the way to the afterlife. But you're still alive. So that must mean you're stronger than me, right Sango?

 

Remember Kagome, Sango? Remember when I was ordered to kill her, but I didn't? Do you know what that means? Inuyasha says its because I still have a will of my own. But you would know for sure, because you're Sango. You know everything, right Sango? You always have an answer for my questions. You always used to make me feel better. I want to hear my heart beat again. I want to feel blood moving in my veins. I want to feel. But this is all a dream, because the dead don't have wants.

 

I like poetry. Remember that Sango? I used to write poems all the time, and you would always smile and say they were wonderful. I know that's the truth, because you'd always smile brightly, and your eyes would light up when you read them. No one else liked them, but you did. It used to make me feel better. But now it makes my chest hurt. Do you know why Sango?

 

I know lots of things now too, Sango. Isn't that great? But you probably know more, right Sango? We'll be together one day, right Sango? No we won't, because I've sinned and sinned, and I don't care. I can't care.

 

Is Kagome alright? I didn't hurt her too badly, did I Sango? Because when I was alive, I didn't want to see you cry, so I didn't kill her so you wouldn't cry and bleed. Is she alright? Of course she is, I saw her again. I see you everyday Sango, because I watch you. I can't erase your crying eyes when you were about to release me. You were sad, that I couldn't still suffer for my sins, right Sango?

 

Never sigh for better world

It's already composed, played and told

Every thought the music I write

Everything a wish for the night

 

You make everyone proud, Sango. But I don't. I'm the shame. I've shamed everyone, I still am. I kill. I ravage. I watch as demons rape women and children. I don't care. I just watch as they plead for help. You probably hate me now, right Sango? I don't care, because I can't care. I'm just an empty shell that even you'll forget about one day, right Sango? I don't mind, you should move on anyway. If you want to talk to me one last time before you forget and leave me behind, go ahead. I don't talk to anyone anymore.

 

I like water. It reflects things. Physical things. So when I look into water, it only shows my face, and not my soul, and for a minute, I can believe that I'm just a normal boy who hasn't done anything wrong. That's alright with you, right Sango? Its alright for me to be alive and pure, just for a minute, right Sango?

 

I remember when you used to go to the field of sunflowers and romp and play with Kirara. How is Kirara? You used to smile and laugh, and then, we weren't burdened with being demon slayers, but we were regular village children. Are your hands still warm Sango? Mine aren't. They're as cold as ice.

 

I like eclipses Sango. Because for a time, all the light is gone, and everyone can realize what my world is like. In my world, there is no light to escape the darkness. But, isn't darkness just an absence of light? I don't know anymore Sango. Because all this blood is starting to make me go insane, but I know I still am sane. Isn't that weird, Sango? I feel blood, I smell blood, I hear blood hitting the ground, I can taste it in the air, I see it on my hands. But its not there when I look a second time. What's wrong with me Sango? Is this part of walking the earth as one of the undead? Tell me Sango! I want the light to be turned back on, Sango. I don't want anymore of this darkness. I've created a kingdom if blood and darkness Sango. Is that alright? I don't want to not feel anymore. Because I can't remember caring, feeling, wanting, needing. Do you remember? Of course, because you feel everyday. I can't.

 

This is our Fate Sango. It's been set, and now we're the puppets. As much as we fight it, we'll always be puppets. Did you know that the rain cries? Of course not, because you don't think like that. Because the rain is tears, tears of pain from all the people I've killed. I don't like the rain. The rain hates me. It beats me. It tortures me. But I deserve it, right Sango? I hear a clock ticking. Time is slipping away, yet it will always been there. Isn't that strange Sango? I'm lonely Sango. Will you talk to me? You're not lonely, you have your friends. I have no one. I don't breathe Sango. My half-life is slipping away, just like time. Hurry now before I'm gone, Sango. I'll pass you by just like a shadow.

 

Did you know if you talk to me Sango, you'll take me away from myself? I think I need that. I'm dying Sango. But I'm already dead. I need your help Sango. But you won't help me, will you Sango? Because you hate me.

 

I hate the winter. Everything is so fragile in the winter. So easy to break. The snow seeps into my skin, but I can't feel it. Where will you go after I've gone? You're fading away, Sango. Please stay here with me. I don't want you to go. Nobody does.

 

Wrote for the eclipse, wrote for the virgin

Died for the beauty, the one in the garden

Created a kingdom, reach for the wisdom

Failed in becoming a god

 

I tried to be strong Sango. I really did. I wanted to be just like you. But now I'm not worthy of being like you. I'm not worthy of anything. Don't be afraid for me Sango. I'll be alright, even if you can't protect me anymore. Inside me, are all my thoughts. All about you. But no one knows that. Because my thoughts are safe, secret. Because no one thinks that I think. But they're wrong. They're all wrong. Behind my dead eyes is a boy who screams every time he kills, every time he watches, every time he lies. That boy is me. Save that boy Sango. Salvage what is left of the real Kohaku. I'm just a shell. I'm not the real thing. Help Kohaku Sango. He's waiting. He needs you. I need you. Am I finally going insane? After all this time, I go insane now? No, I won't let myself. I need to suffer for my sins. People whisper to me. People I've killed. But something tells me everything they say is a lie.

 

Who's right Sango? Will you tell me?

 

I want to be sorry. I really do. But I can't. I can't even want to be sorry, because I'm dead. I've fallen Sango, but, do I really want to get back up? Will you tell me? I can't decide for myself anymore. If I'm dead, why do I have these fears? I'm not supposed to feel! Help me Sango! Save me! I'm scared!

 

I'm not good enough, am I Sango?

 

I hate you Sango. You don't love me, but I've lived and died for you. All for you. Because I thought no one but you cared for me. But you didn't save me, so that means you hate me too.

 

I'm confused, Sango. There's no escaping you. No escaping me. Tortured by my own thoughts. I hate you, but I can't, because I'm dead.

 

Am I still Kohaku? Tell me, Sango.

 

Do you still cry? Do you still bleed? I do.

 

They took me away from you. So take me home. I want to be with you Sango. But I can't. So I'll have to wait. But I'm dead, so I'm not really feeling, wanting, needing.

 

I hear you singing me asleep still. They don't. No one does. My chest hurts Sango. Why does it hurt?

 

My head hurts Sango. Can you fix that too?

 

That's the part where you say:

 

“Of course I can fix it Kohaku. I'm Sango.”

 

Which do you trust more, a liar or an honest man? I trust a liar. Because the truth always hurts so much more.

 

“If you read this line, remember not the hand that wrote it. Remember only the verse, songmaker's cry the one without tears. For I've given this its strength, and it has become my only strength. Comforting home, mother's lap, chance for immortality. Where being wanted became a thrill I never knew. The sweet piano writing down my life.

Teach me passion, for I fear it is gone. Show me love, hold the lorn. So much more I wanted to give to the ones that love me. I'm sorry. Time will tell, this bitter farewell. I live no more to shame nor me nor you. And you…I wish I didn't feel for you anymore…”

 

I didn't have a comforting home. I shamed everyone. I was never wanted. So how can I want. I'm still crying. I don't have nothing left anymore Sango.

 

But the thing is, Sango, I've been lying to myself the whole time. The dead can feel. They can want. They can need. I hate you Sango, for loving me. I hate you for making me feel. I hate you for making me want. I hate you for making me need. I hate you because I can't stop loving you.

 

A lonely soul

An ocean soul

 

Did you know Sango, that if someone dies with their eyes open, it means they weren't innocent and forgiven of their sins?

 

OooooooooOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooOO OOOOOOOOOOOooo

 

Alright, the last huge paragraph in quotes was part of the song. The song is Dead Boy's Poem by Nightwish. The quote part is actually taken from a real suicidal letter. I just thought it would be interesting to do a Kohaku fic.