InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Demon's Diary ❯ Bouts Of Melancholy ( Chapter 6 )

Chapter 6: Sixth Entry - Bouts of Melancholy

 

Inuyasha jumped up into the tree. He was close to their hut just in case but he knew he was far enough away that the others wouldn't bother to try and follow him.

 

Damn that Shippo, he thought angrily. He saw the curious look that Kagome had given the book and knew that at some point she would want to know what was in it. If I refuse to tell her she's going to sit me into next week.

 

He was at a quandary as to what to do. He realized that he should give the book back, that at some point he was going to have to before his brother found out somehow that he did have it. He shuddered at the thought of what an extremely angry Sesshoumaru could and would do. He might not kill me but I bet he can make things pretty painful. Shit, what am I going to do?

 

Inuyasha looked at the book he was holding in his hands, caressing his fingers over it. Well I've gone this far, it won't make any difference if I keep reading it now, he thought trying to assuage his guilt. With a sigh he settled down in a comfortable position and opened to the page he had left off at.

 

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Today has not been a good day for me. Occasionally I find myself plagued by bouts of melancholy for no apparent reason, sometimes, as today, I have to leave my group for privacy, the feelings of depression too much to bear in the company of others.

 

I have a special spot I go and I am writing from there now. I am at the top of a mountain completely covered in snow in the small cave I found here centuries ago. It is so cold here that even my demon senses can feel it and I must wear the brown, bear fur coat that I keep here in order to keep from freezing. It is very peaceful in this empty place; there are no humans, no demons, just myself and my thoughts. It is a good place to reflect on my life.

 

Sometimes the memories are welcome and in that instance I know I will not need to be here long. Other times they are harsh and my time here will be extended until I can fight back the suffocating emotions that wish to burst from me. Today, I fear I will be here for awhile.

 

Having Rin, Koneko, Bougumaru and Chame with me has brought up memories of my own youth. Chame will not speak of his time at the tea house so I know what ever has happened to him has been bad. Bougumaru shrugs everything off as if being in the business of pleasuring men with his body was nothing of importance. I can see in his eyes that he is lying, not just to me, but to himself as well. Koneko tries to push any emotions she may feel down. A defence mechanism I can understand but instead of the emptiness that I can portray, she exhibits an evilness that concerns me with its intensity. Rin is plagued by nightmares and even though they are getting better, I cannot seem to make them stop. There are days when I feel I am harming these children more than helping them and am uncertain what to do about it.

 

One thing I do understand is the feeling of being unwanted and unworthy of love. My mother died at my birth and I was raised in my father's castle by servants. When I was old enough to notice, I realized my father would avoid me most of the time unless to give me a specific task. He would sometimes look at me with the strangest expression, to this day I know not what it meant.

 

I do know that my own father did not love me. Perhaps he blamed the death of his mate on me, I do not know the reason, but never in my time with him did he show me any kind of affection or concern. Even the nannies and instructors that I had would only pretend to care. They had to; I was the lord's son.

 

I remember a time when I was quite young, maybe five or six and had hurt myself in some manner or another. I had run to my father and wrapped my arms around his leg, crying and begging to be picked up. He stood so still, never offering any comfort, only telling me that it was unseemly for a prince of the Inu clan to cry over something so inconsequential, then, he walked away. I cannot remember shedding any tears after that incident. I hoped only to please him so that someday I would be worthy of his love. In this I know I failed.

 

The day he died, I felt as I do at times, numb, as if it was happening to someone else. That day, before he left to save Inuyasha's mother, he told me I was his only regret. What a thing to hear, that he never wanted me and there had been nothing I could have done to win him over. I pushed the hurt down until I felt nothing. Sometimes I frighten myself at how easily I can push my own emotions away from myself and become as an unfeeling, empty shell.

 

It was not long after that that I received the Tenseiga. That was the day I realized that there was no one that would care for my feelings. It was tied to a tree with my name on it; I am sure by Myoga or Totosai. No one even bothered to give it to me personally or to even ask how I was feeling at the death of my father. Did they not think that I mourned? That sent me into a week long downward spiral until I was able to gain control over myself. It was also the first time I got completely drunk, for three days if I am remembering correctly. I haven't touched sake since.

 

That was not the worst episode I have had. The worst was when I found the Goshinboku empty of my brother's body. As I have written earlier I would go to the tree from time to time to talk to him. Foolish I know but it made me feel better in an odd way to tell him of my day, my desires and my dreams. It was like he was still alive and that we were proper brothers.

 

That day when I saw an empty spot where my brother's body should have been shocked me. I sat on the ground confused, maybe a bit frightened if I want to be completely honest with myself. I was now truly alone, without another that I could even pretend cared if I existed.

 

I do not remember everything of that time, it was if I just left myself for awhile, but when I did come back, the ground and I were covered in blood. I am sure I tried to slice my wrists open but of course the wounds would heal before any major damage was done. I do not remember, even to this day, doing it but I must have. The dagger was in my hand. Such a feeling of utter loneliness and depression I have not ever had since and I hope to never experience it again. After that day I forbade anyone to mention my brother's name to me again. I think I have figured out why I feel anger towards him, even now. It's because he left me, he made me feel alone, unwanted, unloved.

 

I do not agree with suicide, it is a coward's way out of a problem, so I come here to battle my demons so to speak. It is so peaceful here, it sooths me. Mostly I sleep until I feel more like myself, other times, when the memories are too intense, I sit and watch the snow drift down, allowing those past times to wash over me until they are gone from my system. I think I will sleep now.

 

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Inuyasha angrily wiped the tears from his eyes. He couldn't figure out why he couldn't stop the salty water from flowing. He surprised himself to hear a sob exit his mouth. One sob became two and the more he thought about how utterly alone his brother must have felt, how alone he himself had felt at times, it only made him cry harder. He suddenly realized how alike he and Sesshoumaru were, at least with these feelings of not belonging and nobody caring. He knew his brother was worried about the kids too, and as much as it astonished him, really wanted to help them.

 

“Inuyasha, are you okay?” Kagome asked from below the tree. She had gone looking for him when he hadn't returned after a couple of hours. She could hear him sobbing above her and it made her want to cry hearing him in such distress.

 

Inuyasha dropped down out of the tree, book in hand and wrapped his arms around Kagome, burying his face into her shoulder as his own shoulders convulsed.

 

“Inuyasha,” she whispered, her eyes filling with tears as well. She put her arms around him and held him tighter to her, hoping to comfort him.

 

“He tried to kill himself,” he choked out between sobs, “Because I wasn't there.”

 

“Who tried to kill themselves? Where were you supposed to be?” Kagome asked confused as to what he was talking about.

 

Inuyasha tried to gain control over himself, taking huge breaths to stop himself from this feeling he couldn't even put into words.

 

“Sesshoumaru, he tried to kill himself. He used to come to the Goshinboku tree and talk to me when I was sealed there. When you released me and we left, he came and couldn't find me, and he felt I left him alone.”

 

Kagome looked at Inuyasha in shock. She could not fathom that his older brother would even care about him, let alone try to commit suicide just because he had been released from the tree.

 

Inuyasha saw her incredulous expression and just handed the book to her. “Read,” he told her as the two of them sat on the grass.