InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Demon's Diary ❯ Death, Love, Sex and Other Questions ( Chapter 15 )

Chapter 15: Fifteenth Entry - Death, Love, Sex and Other Questions

 

Today has been most trying. It has been raining for two days straight and we have all been coped up in this cave. Sitting with four bored children is indeed not something for the weak of heart or mind. How the questions got started I do not know but it has been a day of questions, some of which I do not have the answers to.

 

Chame started the rest off, he had asked a simple question, one which many children have asked; where do pups come from? I told him from the female's belly, hoping this simple answer would suffice. It seemed to satisfy him but then Rin had to ask how the pup got into the woman's belly. At this point Bougumaru tried to explain sex to her. I of course had to stop him; he can be rather graphic in his explanations of just about anything, especially this topic.

 

I do not know why trying to explain procreation should be such a difficult matter but for some reason I found it to be. It is one thing in knowing how such a thing happens it is quite another to explain it to four children, especially when two of those children having more experience at it than I. I can tell Chame is not comfortable with this subject as he is now fidgeting around.

 

“I don't like sex, it hurts,” he tells me.

 

“What was done to you and Bougumaru was wrong, sex does not have to be painful if you are with the right person,” I reply. Talking of his time in the teahouse is something that Chame does not do willingly, but to bury it inside himself, I believe, would be more detrimental so I try to encourage him to face that time and deal with it head on.

 

“Have you been with the right person?” Rin questions me.

 

I must have blushed or looked strange because Koneko is giggling. I bring myself under control and reply, “No, I have not. I wish to save myself for that person when I meet them.” I hope to impress upon the girls the value of their bodies and that sex is not something to be done lightly.

 

“You've not ever…done it?” Bougumaru eyes are quite large as he looks at me, I am not sure he believes what I have just told him.

 

“This Sesshoumaru does not lie,” I tell him, this time I am sure I have blushed, my cheeks feel rather warm.

 

Koneko, who has been sitting off to the side, more or less trying to ignore the conversation, now creeps a little closer to us. “How do you know when you've met the right person?” she questions. I do not miss the slight glance she throws at Bougumaru. This could be complicated. I realize that these four are not related by any means but I had not thought of the possibility of any of them being potential mates to each other. I will make sure to keep a closer eye on Koneko and Bougumaru from now on.

 

I am having difficulty in answering her question. I have only experienced love once in my lifetime and it was a long time ago. By the looks I am receiving I am not doing a very good job of it and I think I am just confusing them. “It is a hard thing to explain, Koneko, but when you find that person you will know,” I sigh, not really satisfied with my own answer. I try to be as honest as I can with them but it is difficult for me to talk of such emotions. I have been too long repressing them.

 

“So, sex is a serious thing to you, huh?” Bougumaru asks.

 

“Taking a life mate is serious,” I reply. I see him also glance to Koneko. I believe I will have to take the boy aside and impress upon him the gravity of giving yourself to another.

 

I do not know if it is just him but humans seem to have such a cavalier attitude about sex and taking a mate. Perhaps it is because their life spans are so fleeting or that the boy has become dull to it considering what he had to do in the past. In either case I will not see Koneko used as a release for the boy's libido.

 

“Do you think you'll ever take a mate, lord Sesshoumaru?” Rin is always the romantic.

 

“Someday, I hope to.” To find someone to spend the rest of my days with sounds wonderful. Naraku needs to be defeated first of course, but it is a wish of mine. After being with this group I could not bear to be alone again even though I know someday that I could be. I will outlive all of my impromptu family, except for Chame and possibly Koneko. But even then, they will grow and leave for their own lives and adventures. Sometimes I think I have not been wise in getting so attached to them.

 

The thought of outliving them depresses me and they notice. “What's wrong, Sesshoumaru-sama?” Rin asks me, putting her small hand on my cheek. Her worried face only reminds me of the time she asked me to remember her if she died. As if I could ever forget her, as if I could forget any of them. I tell her that it is of no importance but I can tell she does not believe me. She will not push it any further, unlike Bougumaru.

 

“Something is wrong, tell us…we could help,” he says and I can see he is sincere in his wish to do so.

 

“I was just thinking of how long I have lived, it is…a bit daunting to me sometimes.”

 

“How old are you?” asks Koneko, her tail twitching lazily.

 

“Three hundred and twenty one,” I state.

 

“Sesshoumaru-sama,” gasped Rin. “You do not look that old.”

 

“Demons live longer than humans,” I tell her and immediately regret it when I see her features sadden. She soon brightens when a thought hits her.

 

“You will live forever, that is wonderful. I am happy to think that you will always be in the world.”

 

It does not seem so wonderful to me. I will not live forever, of course, but I will live more than long enough. There are days when I am weary of life now. I do not incite my brother to kill me because of these four and my quest to destroy Naraku. Once that is done, and my children are no longer with me, especially if I have not succeeded in procuring a mate, perhaps I will challenge my brother to battle and allow him to destroy me. I can not return to a life of empty loneliness after having lived this small time knowing comfort and companionship.

 

I have changed being with these four, for the better I know not, but whenever humans or youkai would fear me or hate me it did not used to bother me. Now it does. I do not wish to be feared or hated. Isn't that odd, seems so to me as I used to be more than pleased to see terror etched into the faces of those that beheld me, now it just depresses me.

 

“We will be the first ones to die,” Bougumaru tells Rin. Leave it to him to be far too blunt.

 

“Not for a long time yet, and I do not wish to talk of death.” That will be the end of the conversation my tone tells the others that I will not speak of it again.

 

It is soon time for the children to settle down and I tell each one goodnight, adding to Bougumaru that tomorrow we need to have a man to man talk. I can see that this makes him nervous. I think a little fear may be a good thing so I give him a stern look and rise to keep watch for the night. That boy needs to learn to use his head before he speaks.

 

As I watch them all sleeping I realize that combining our group with Inuyasha's may be the best thing. If I am destroyed rather than Naraku, I do not wish these that I care for to be alone as I was. The humans of his group have soft hearts and even if my brother will not accept them, they will and I know they will be cared for. Tomorrow I will seek out my brother and offer a truce. I will write again to inform you of his decision.

 

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This was the final entry in the book.

 

“That was why he approached me that last time. Damn it! I thought he was just after Tetsusaiga again and I didn't even listen to what he was trying to tell me, I just attacked him straight away.”

 

Inuyasha felt like a jerk. The last time he saw his demon brother he hadn't even had a sword in his hand, he had just said he wanted to speak to Inuyasha about something and the hanyou had lashed out at his brother. The battle had been short, neither getting seriously wounded, ending when Sesshoumaru had knocked him back and then left without saying another word. That had been more than two months ago.

 

“DAMN IT!!” yelled Inuyasha his voice full of frustration and anger at himself.

 

“Don't be so hard on yourself,” Miroku tried to sooth. “How could you know all these things, he never gave any hint of this.”

 

“He did, we just didn't see it,” answered Inuyasha sadly, thinking of all the times he had seen a strange expression cross the normally stoic face or when his brother had allowed him to live. The times when he had protected him and then covered it by saying he should be the one to destroy Inuyasha and not another and other myriad excuses. It was all false, everything that he had ever thought of his brother was completely wrong. Sesshoumaru felt pain, fear, loneliness, compassion, loyalty and love. He was not an uncaring monster. He didn't want to kill but circumstances had forged him to be a warrior lord, something Inuyasha now saw that his brother had not wanted to be. I sure as hell am not going to be the way he gets to die! Regret and guilt hit the hanyou hard and Kagome came and put her arm over his shoulder.

 

“Let's continue to search for him and Naraku. I'm sure that Sesshoumaru's gone to find him. Then you two can sort everything out.” She smiled at him as if she was positive everything would be fine.