InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Divine Aspiration ❯ Chapter Two ( Chapter 3 )

Chapter Warnings: Alternating POV's, OOC, Implied NCS (Oh, wait, please don't run away…), minor adult situations… sexual references… sexual innuendos… and usage of lotsa bad language…

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Personality is born out of pain. It is the fire shut up inside the flint. ~J.B. Yeats~

It belongs to human nature to hate those you have injured. ~Tacitus~

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Chapter Two

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His head was pounding.

He opened his eyes, feeling the rain pelting down on his body, crimson staining his vision, blinding him momentarily as he let out a shaky laugh, a sharp searing sensation shooting up and down his ribs. He couldn't believe what had happened - his life being threatened - held in the hands of another… losing his control. The memories came back to him in a whirlwind, leaving him momentarily immobile through the onslaught of emotions.

Through the pain.

Through the harsh realizations of the truth.

Through reality.

His body was trembling, as he looked down at the image in front of him, his eyes glimmering with something akin to disbelief, pain causing his chest to clench and his lungs to burn.

The memories of what had just happened snuck into his mind once again, burying him under a mountain of pain and sorrow, blinding him, causing his throat to tighten as he momentarily forgot how to breathe, the tears starting to stream down his face.

It wasn't supposed to be this way - he wasn't supposed to be feeling so much pain, so much… regret.

He had done what was needed to survive - he had saved his own life. It was already done, his hands were already stained, and there would be no turning back. But then, why was he feeling so much hurt? So much regret? Why was it that he just couldn't walk away from the vision in front of him, that he simply couldn't forget and move on with his life? Why was it that he had to cry for these people - the people's whose blood stained his hands? They had threatened him first, attempted to taint his soul and steal his life in the process. They had threatened to take away his control - his power, his confidence.

They had threatened to make his world come crashing in on him, shattering him so completely until he lost his mind.

They had attempted to leave him naked and vulnerable.

The hate that he had housed for them grew, bubbling under the surface, leaving a bitter taste on his tongue and yet - he couldn't stop crying.

And he didn't understand why.

Reluctantly, he stood, blood and grime clinging to his clothes and skin, the rain still pelting his shaking body. The tears continued to spill down his face as he stumbled away, unsure of what to do - unsure of how to act with the panic rising inside of him, threatening to take control of his being. His fingers burned against the cool the air, his heart racing. He had never felt so much sorrow in his life - he wasn't sure of how to deal with it.

The pain and the hate of what had happened would continue to haunt him, that same image forever burned in his memory, haunting him for the rest of his life

And he could still hear the condescending laughs, the disgusting touches that were unwanted upon his skin, the sharp pain as the silver blade sliced through his flesh. He could also remember their screams - the fear in their eyes as he fought to protect himself - fought to regain his control - to keep from being soiled. And as much as he wanted it to stop, the images continued to flash through his mind - their voices continued to echo in his ears, the stench of their breath drowning his senses in unpleasantness.

He stumbled, the hot salty tears blinding him once again.

"No," he whispered, leaning against the outside wall of a building, the stone unnecessarily cutting into his bruised flesh, "please, just leave me alone."

But the images continued swamp his mind, and his skin continued to feel grimy and dirty, and he wanted nothing more than to be clean - to be rid of the sickening stench that was disabling his ability to breathe.

Blindly he began stumbling, a thick bile rising in his throat, as the heel of his hands pushed into his temples, his eyes screwed shut.

He just wanted it to stop… he didn't want to see his blood trailing down his body any longer - he didn't want to feel the explosion of pain beneath his ribs.

"Please!" he shouted, his fingers tangling into his wet hair, his knees connecting to cement with a sickening crack.

"Please just leave me alone!"

But the images and the sounds kept coming, his tears continuing to fall.

No one would come to help him - to see the lifeblood of another staining his hands.

No one would have to know…

No one would need to experience the ache in his heart…

No one would need to see his pain…

"Please," he cried hoarsely, collapsing onto the ground, the rain beating down on his skin, washing some of the grime away from his body, "please, someone help me. Someone make it go away…"

But no one would.

And he hated them for it.

~*~

(Inuyasha POV)

My day was fucking shit.

And I wanted nothing more than to go home, fling myself down on my bed, and sleep. But at the ripe age of twenty-five, I knew that I wouldn't be able to do that in the least. Because being twenty-five meant that I had responsibilities and despite wanting nothing more than to throw them out the goddamned window, I knew that it was out of the question. Work was stressing me out, as usual, but I guess that what comes with being a high priced lawyer - a lawyer that has only lost a single case since I passed the bar. Which, I like to throw in my best friend's face, because he has yet to do so.

The guy has been scrambling since April to get ready for the bar exam, and no matter how many times I tell him to calm down, he always gives me some witty little remark on how people actually want to earn their success instead of having the strings pulled for them. And all I have to say to that is: Fuck. Off. Yeah, so my brother is a senior partner at the same firm that I am currently employed under, but I know for a fact that he didn't pull any strings for me, I'm intellectual enough on my own to find my own way through life. I don't need people taking pity on me and trying to help me.

Which is exactly what my idiot brother wouldn't do because it's just not like the bastard to be so sympathetic. Not to mention it would be breaking the fucking law. I mean he's a thirty-two year old man, who's single, and probably going to end up lonely for the rest of his life. Not to mention he's a lawyer - and some lawyers might be dirty, but my brother is not one of them. He's a tight-assed, by-the-book kind of guy, and would never do anything as absurd as that. And whenever Miroku insinuates that my brother does think that I am stupid enough not to pass my own bar exam, it makes me want to grab him in a strangle hold until he can't breathe. But Miroku knows when not bother me, especially on a day like today.

And he knows for a fact that it is all Sango's fault.

I really enjoy having that incredibly hot, sexy woman wandering around my office; I mean, fuck, who wouldn't? But damn, when that woman starts to question everything about me it pisses me off to no end. Sometimes, I wonder why Miroku wants to "get-to-know" the woman, as he so eloquently puts it. I know for a fact that he wouldn't be able to handle her. Hell, she wouldn't let him handle her. At least in the way that he wants to.

Now, I live with Miroku in a town house, having known him since my first year in college when I wanted to major in Literature. We shared a dorm, and fuck, the guy can be annoying - he's the only person I've known to have so much sex with a single person in one night and not get tired after having an orgasm for the sixth time, but he's a really good guy when he's not being lecherous and annoying the hell out of people. Actually, there are times when he wants to understand people, and he really good at "reading" people for lack of a better word. He knows when not to push people to their limits, and knows exactly when to stop pushing, and I think that's what draws everyone to him.

Not to mention he is disarmingly handsome and charming.

At least that is what all the female interns (sometimes males, which is funny because I get to watch Miroku squirm when he gets around one of them) at the firm squeal about whenever he comes around to bug the hell out of me or have idle chitchat with Sango.

The interns have tried to approach me a couple of times, but I think I scare them too much because I'm not really one for human contact.

And I haven't been for as long as I can remember.

I can't exactly explain why the fuck I hate being around people, but I do. I mean, whenever someone looks overtly disgusting or grimy, I can feel and taste the bitter bile in my throat and I just want to fucking gag until my insides spill into a puddle on the floor. There are times when I just feel like firing Sango for stepping into the same room as me - maybe I'm obsessive-compulsive about my space or something… hell I don't know. But when I don't want people near me, I sure as hell let them know. There was a time when an intern wanted to talk to me, for whatever the reason, I don't know. But as soon as she stepped into my office I felt my body start to tremble and I just looked at her and she turned white. Needless to say I never saw her again. Sango claims that the temperature within a ten-mile radius dropped beneath zero degrees, but I don't believe her. I think that the intern just saw something in my eyes that frightened her, because I don't glare, I scowl. And anyone who knows me would know that I couldn't scare people with a scowl… whatever… maybe I'm just thinking too hard.

But after having Sango continue to ask me what the hell was wrong with me and then telling me that I couldn't smoke, I just felt this enormous burden weighing down on me, and my shoulders started to ache as I went over the deposition for the DeNato case. I went through two packs of cigarettes, and had to send Sango out to the store for that big box of Marlboro's that held twenty packs of cigarettes. Sango said that I was going to cause my lungs to leak tar if I smoked through the entire box, but I didn't care. For some reason my nerves were frayed and my thoughts were scattered.

I think she noticed something was bothering me, but she didn't comment on it. Thanks to fucking Buddha too because I think I would have fired her on the spot if she would have asked me if something was bothering me once again. But then, I think the only reason that Sango does ask me questions is because she knows that I won't fire her. I mean she, besides Miroku, is the only person who does understand me completely. She's able to read me like a book - and how she does that I still don't know. I think it may have something to do with the fact that she has a sixteen brother who can be annoying as fuck, is still going through puberty, but still manages to act calm, cool, and collected regardless of what kind of situation he is in, and Sango seems to know exactly what he is thinking despite his facades.

But whatever, Sango will always remain a fucking mystery to me, unless she decides she wants to get closer to me.

Although, now that I think about it, Miroku would be pretty pissed if I snagged the girl that he was been trying to get to warm up to him right from under his nose. It would be funny as hell though, and would be good for sport. But honestly, I wouldn't touch anything that he has already laid claim upon, I mean, the man has been spending months slipping little signs to the woman to show that he's interested in her, but I think he is honestly beginning to crack. I think that he should just grope the woman and get over it despite the consequences that might spawn from that action.

That thought alone managed to bring a smirk to my face.

And Miroku noticed too, because he shot me a strange glance before reclining back on against the torn leather - cheap leather that smelled funny, to be exact - seat in the metro. Sometimes I wonder how the hell he could just relax in such a disgusting place, because just looking at the train makes me shiver and it's like this silver fog settles over my mind momentarily blinding me. But that happens whenever I come in contact with something so completely filthy I just feel so much pain… and I don't know why. I think Miroku knows that it bugs me but he doesn't say anything about it. And, shit, I'm a lawyer, I should be able to afford a fucking car, but Miroku believes in saving money.

Shit, we live in a fucking expensive assed town house, I don't understand why the hell he would want to save money especially after all the money I dished out for that little establishment.

But riding in the metro is only what crossed the line for making my day fucking miserable.

Before that, I got a call from my client, Stacy DeNato, and found out that she was arrested.

And the bitch wanted me to fucking bail her out.

And being the nice guy that I am, I asked why the flying fuck she couldn't get her husband to bail her out, and remembered only too late that her husband was dead. And, fuck, I got an earful. The bitch practically threatened to fire me and get another lawyer when I told her I was going to hang up on her if she didn't shut her fucking mouth and let me apologize to her, which is actually nice coming from me, since I don't apologize to people all that much. I think the only person I ever apologized to in my life was my mother.

So I ended having to listen to her yell at me for no reason whatsoever, except for making the small slip about her husband, which was an accident. I don't even remember all the charges on which the wench got arrested for, except for the fact that one of the charges was assaulting an officer with a deadly weapon. And that was only one of the charges. How the hell people get themselves into these situations is utterly amazing.

But the woman also had family, and I don't understand why she called me to bail her out, but whatever. I ended up doing so anyways.

Fifty thousand fucking dollars was her set bail.

Thankfully I only had to pay ten percent of said bail amount.

But, damn, when Miroku found out that I had spent five thousand dollars on a client he had a fucking fit. I don't think I have ever seen him act like such a damned female in my life. So between Sango pestering me, dealing with weird assed emotions, listening to my client bitch at me, threatening to be fired, having an unnecessary argument with the bail bondsmen, listening to Miroku complain about spending five thousand dollars on said client, and riding in that fucking metro, my day couldn't have gotten any worse.

Well, that is, until I got home.

Now, I am usually a pretty perceptive person, and can notice things aren't going the way they are supposed to be, and my anxious attitude earlier should have been signal enough.

But, of course fucking not.

I just had to not notice the damned wench sitting on my porch in nothing but a little cotton sundress at fucking ten thirty at night until Miroku froze next to me, his eyes wide. At that point, I had been fumbling with a cigarette, my hands unreasonably shaky and my nerves extremely frazzled. I still didn't know what was up with my mood today, but it was freaking me out. At twenty-five, I still have never felt anything like that before, and it was kind of interesting to know that I could act like a complete idiot, which if I remember correctly I only did in high school. But now that I think about it, I was pretty reserved despite my loud and arrogant attitude.

But when I felt Miroku freeze beside me, I know that something was wrong.

Looking up quickly, I noticed the girl sitting on my porch, and despite it being so strange to see a slender teenaged girl sitting on my porch, the first question that came to my mind is why in the hell that girl wasn't wearing any shoes or socks.

Figures I would think about something so completely pointless.

I'm pretty sure I knew what Miroku was thinking, after all, it was pretty cold outside, but the girl looked to be only sixteen and I knew he wouldn't dare touch her. The girl looked so completely innocent with those huge blue eyes as she stared up at the sky, her fingers clenching the hem of her chest almost nervously, her skin looking extremely pale and ivory under the dim lighting of the moon, and her hair so black it looked almost blue. And I knew that it was strange to be saying this, but she was fucking beautiful.

And that was when my mind came back to me - that was when I realized that some strange teenage girl was sitting on my porch, without shoes I might add, doing absolutely nothing but staring up at the sky as though it held all of her answers.

Yeah, the question of what the fuck she was doing, and who the hell she was almost slipped from my lips, but then she turned those big blue eyes on me and I was at a loss for words.

It seemed as though she were boring into my very soul, as strange as that sounds, with that simple look. And then, after a moment of silence she smiled, stood up, and took my hand in hers, her blue eyes locked onto mine.

Her hand was fucking cold I can tell you that much, and it was strange to know that someone so young and vibrant looking - with that extremely noticeable warmth in her eyes - could feel so cold and clammy. It only made me realize that she must have been sitting on my porch for a long assed time. And, being the sadistic bastard that I am, I smirked in amusement, because, damn, this cute little girl was sitting on my porch for however the hell long it was waiting for either me or Miroku. And just as soon as it kicked into my brain to ask her, she squeezed my hand and stepped away, that same kind smile on her face.

"Seiryoku Inuyasha?"

Well, that just confirmed who the hell she was looking for.

Raising an eyebrow at the girl, I lit my cigarette, suddenly aware of the fact that I was no longer shaking. And the girl just continued to look at me that same smile on her face.

Well.

Now was as good a time as any I suppose.

"Who the fuck are you?"

And damn the little bitch if she only grinned even wider.

I felt Miroku jab me in my ribs a little bit, but the girl continued to smile, and I couldn't help but wonder if her feet were cold. My mind was definitely doing weird things these days.

"My name is Higurashi Kagome," she started, that smile still on her face.

And the name didn't mean anything to me, so I just shrugged, took a long drag of my cigarette while watching her coolly.

"So what the hell is that supposed to mean to me?"

And fuck the world if she didn't pull this completely adorable face as she cocked her head to the side, her blue eyes still wide and slightly unfocused as she watched us both.

"Forgive Inuyasha's manners Miss Higurashi," Miroku interrupted our staring contest, pushing me out of the way, and grasping the girl by her elbow, and leading her yo the front door of our town house. And I felt like I was going to start panicking. Because Miroku and a girl in the same house just do not mix. Fuck, Miroku and a woman in the same room don't mix because all he would have to do is smile and the girl would be all over him in an instant. And the only person who I have seen not be able to fall victim to his charm is Sango, but that girl is somewhat oblivious as to what the hell Miroku wants in the first place. But it's probably only because this is the first girl he wants to take his time with. But even if Miroku pranced around in a loincloth with a giant sign that read, "I love you, Sango," signed with his name, I highly doubt she'd notice. I think that she just doesn't want to notice whats right in front of her sometimes… or she just doesn't care. Or maybe, she is already someone else's lover and is just too nice to tell Miroku that he's a fucking idiot that needs to move on with his life… whatever. Their disintegrating love lives have nothing to do with me, and I'll be damned if I'll think about it every time Miroku makes the moves on another girl.

Absently, I followed them into the town house, pausing for a minute as Miroku fumbled with his keys, the girl strangely quiet as he continued to chat amiably with her, her blue eyes continuously pinning me with this intense, emotional gaze.

So I did what I did best.

I decided to ignore her for the time being, a scowl on my face as I allowed myself to get comfortable, and to put my briefcase away before pouring myself a glass of orange juice. Miroku gave the girl some indoor slippers, which surprised me because I don't know where the hell he got those big fluffy pink slippers from, but I am pretty sure his last ex-girlfriend could have left them behind.

And we all settled down, me with my glass of orange juice, the girl with slippers on her feet and an afghan around her shoulders, while Miroku sipped a cup of ice water.

And then the most awkward moment of silence passed over us as I kept my eyes trained on her, just as she had her eyes trained on me, hundreds of questions running through my mind as to whom the hell she was, while she just stared at me as if she knew every single thing about me.

And it made me feel as though my personal space were being invaded.

And then, Gods, it felt like I was going to drown in her presence, feel that disgusting grimy feeling descend upon me once again, make me feel so completely useless and dirty.

The bile was quick in rising in my throat, and I was almost afraid to open my mouth to talk, and instead settled for taking a long drink of my orange juice, hoping to force the bile back down so I wouldn't have to taste that bitterness on my tongue.

And just knowing that this girl had this strange effect on me made me so fucking angry I couldn't help but slam my glass down on the table, orange juice spilling everywhere as I scowled at her.

"Just who the flying fuck are you?"

That fucking bitch just smiled, something akin to sadness glimmering in those wide blue eyes.

"I already told you, my name is Higurashi Kagome," she replied, her voice holding a note of anger and sorrow.

"What I think he means," Miroku started after setting his glass calmly on a coaster, "is what exactly is it that you need from him? I must say, I have never run across you before, and I know just about every woman that Inuyasha has come into contact with."

"Oh, well I apologize for not telling you what I want," she looked at me again, something hopeful in her expression, and I would be damned if I knew what the hell she was hoping for, "but to be honest I do want one thing."

Great, I hope she isn't one of those annoying little sisters of one of the interns from the firm that has seen me from afar and decided she had a crush on me. I really didn't feel like having to take this little teenage girl on a damned date. Plus, I didn't really make it a fucking habit of mine to hang out with teenaged girls. But luckily, Miroku seemed to be able to read my mind and started explaining that I wasn't interested in little girls when the girl suddenly laughed.

"Oh no, no, no. You've got it all wrong. I don't want to go on a date with him."

Well fuck her. She didn't have to sound so goddamned disgusted about the entire implication.

"I know this may sound weird, but I only want to make him happy."

Miroku suddenly grinned at me, his mind probably working in overtime at serious innuendo that could be hidden within that simple comment.

And the thought that this girl wanted to make me happy was strangely amusing. Not to mention extremely and utterly ridiculous. But, because of the fact that she was a little girl, I decided that I would humor her. And fuck, I don't care if it was sadistic as hell to do something like that. This girl came into my house, invaded my personal space, and decided to act like she knew me - I would have to hurt her feelings for making me feel so vulnerable. Call me immature, but I don't fucking care. Pay back's a bitch, as Americans so eloquently put it.

"You want to make me happy?"

Kagome only smiled, her bangs falling into her face.

"And, if I may ask, just how the fuck do you think you can make me happy?"

Miroku shot me a momentary warning glance, which I just waved off nonchalantly, my amber eyes boring into her blue ones. And for a second, I could see a hint of determination in her eyes - a hint of confidence. Confidence that I used to have - that I lost years ago - confidence that I don't remember ever losing. And the thought of being so completely vulnerable was causing my chest to clench and my throat to tighten.

And Kagome must have seen it, because she reached out for me, as though she wanted to help me.

But she could fuck off for all I care.

Just. Fuck. Off.

She was the reason why I was feeling so much pain right now, why I felt like throwing up and curling into a ball and crying, and I wouldn't give her the satisfaction of seeing me in my most vulnerable state.

"Well?" I asked, and my voice sounded strange even to my ears.

Kagome merely blinked as though she were being snapped out of a trance, before lowering her eyes, defeat apparent as she slumped her shoulders.

"I don't know," she whispered, her body starting to tremble, "all I know is that I have to grant your every wish, but I don't know how to do that. The Entity - they won't tell me what to do and - I just need to make you happy!"

Her blue eyes were stained with tears and pain, and it was enough to make my resolve crack a little, but then I felt the hot prickling sensation rising behind my eyes.

This girl - she was doing something to me, making me feel so much pain, but I wouldn't let her see it.

I had to hide it from her - to keep her from seeing my vulnerability - my lack of confidence.

I had to tell her that she sounded completely insane, that I wanted nothing to do with her or her proposal.

But I was only able to say two simple words.

"Get. Out."

And it was then I was aware of the metallic taste of blood sloshing around my mouth as my teeth sunk into my tongue, causing bile to rise up way too quickly in my throat.

Fuck.

"Get out now," I growled again, standing up to tower over her - in the hopes that I might be able to intimidate her.

And Miroku merely stayed quiet, knowing that I was fucking ready to maul something.

But my heart was just hurting so much - I just wanted to cry so badly…

I still had my pride, however, and I wasn't going to lose it to a fucking teenager that was slightly insane.

"But I can't," Kagome insisted, standing up to look at me with pleading eyes.

But I didn't care.

I couldn't care.

I just had to get away, had to make her go away, had to find the control that was quickly slipping through my fingers.

Roughly, I grabbed her by her arm and pulled her to the door, the scowl that was in place on my face slowly slipping as the tears started to collect in my eyelashes, blurring my vision slightly.

She had started to protest, and whatever excuse she came up with I simply ignored, and settled for prying open the door and shoving her out. She whirled around quickly, panic spreading across her features as I scowled at her, my mask slowly shattering, my eyes narrowing as her eyes widened. And she was reaching out for me once again, as though she wanted to comfort me, to make me forget the pain that was swelling within my being - threatening to make me lose control.

I simply smacked her hand away roughly, my hand leaving a sickening red mark against her ivory skin, trying my best to ignore the hot tears that were suddenly streaming down my face.

Looks like I lost control after all, and in front of a fucking child no less.

"You don't fucking know me," I ground out, my voice cracking slightly, "so don't fucking act like you can help because you can't. You don't know what I am feeling, you don't know what it's like to live every day like I have lived it, and you sure as hell wouldn't want to. You can pretend all you want that you want to help me, that you want to make me happy, but you just don't. I want you to get it in your mind that I hate people like you and want nothing to do with your fucking kind- "

"Inuyasha," she mumbled sympathetically, her hand dropping to her side as she interrupted my tirade.

"So I'll tell you once and only once: stay the fuck away from me."

And I slammed the door in her face, my body trembling with anger, hate, pain, sorrow… every single emotion I could feel except for happiness. But shit, even as I felt the satisfaction of slamming the door in her face, a part of me still felt empty - disconnected. I felt hollow as a stab of pain ran through my body - the pain at knowing that she was the only one who was willing to help without me having to ask for it - without expecting anything in return.

She had been fucking sincere and I slammed the door in her face…

I wasn't supposed to be feeling regret…

And my heart clenched even more as Miroku's hand landed on my shoulder, his other hand massaging my back as though to relieve the tension that was causing my muscles to tighten with pain.

"Inuyasha," he whispered kindly, knowing full well the blast of emotions that I was feeling in that very moment.

But his hands on my shoulders… it made me feel so filthy… so useless.

The bile was already spilling from my mouth before I could stop it, my knees connecting to the floor with a quiet thud.

And all the while Miroku was there, his hands moving in a soothing circle on my back, trying to help me through this fucking fit of broken confidence - of knowing that I meant nothing to anybody - feeling a hate so deeply ingrained within my mind… so completely disgusted at my own inability to keep my emotions hidden under the scowling mask that usually donned my features…

After I finished retching, I turned suddenly, wiping my mouth on a sleeve of my suit, and slapping his hands away from me, my gaze icy and emotionless.

I didn't want to deal with him anymore - I just wanted to be alone - to escape from the harsh truths of reality.

Gods, I hurt so fucking much…

"Inuyasha," he said just as quietly - just as calmly - as she had done.

And I hated him for it.

"Fuck you, Miroku," I bit out angrily, tears streaming down my face, before I dashed up to my room, trying to rid myself of the touches - the concern.

Of everything.

But as much as I wanted to stop crying, as much as I wanted to be able to feel Miroku's comforting presence, I hated him, and wanted nothing more than to let him feel the pain that was suddenly coursing through my body.

And despite the fact that I was crying - that the hot tears should have been blurring my vision - stinging my eyes, they weren't.

All that was staining my vision was a sickening, familiar shade of red.

And it frightened me.

But I hated them so much, gods I hated them so fucking much.