InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Erectile Dysinformation ❯ Payback ( Chapter 2 )
[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]
By: King Baka 
Anime/Manga: InuYasha Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Comedy | Type: One Shot | Uploaded On: 03.17.2009 | Updated On: 10.03.2015 | Pages: 11 | Words: 5.9K | Visits: 2.0K | Status: Completed
Anime/Manga: InuYasha Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Comedy | Type: One Shot | Uploaded On: 03.17.2009 | Updated On: 10.03.2015 | Pages: 11 | Words: 5.9K | Visits: 2.0K | Status: Completed
Disclaimer: I don’t own Inuyasha or any of the publicly known
characters, plot, etc. I’m just renting them from
Rumiko Takahashi, Viz, etc. I do own the plot of this
story and any original characters I’ve created. I will
make no money from this fic; I write for my own enjoyment and the
enjoyment of my readers.
A/N – Sequel to Erectile Dysinformation, which I have incorporated as the second chapter of the fic. Written in 2009 and lightly edited in 2015.
Payback
“What the fuck do you want?!”
Jumping, Kagome pulled the phone away from her ear for a moment. “Kami, Yuka! You scared me half to death!”
“Oh, it’s you, Kagome,” Yuka said, only slightly embarrassed at her outburst. “Why on Earth are you calling me at this ungodly hour?”
“Uh…it’s eleven-thirty in the morning, Yuka.” A miserable grunt was her only reply. “You don’t sound too good. Are you sick?” The other girl laughed, though there was no amusement in the sound.
“Clearly you’ve never had a hangover before.”
“No, I haven’t. Is it that bad?”
“I feel like I got hit by a truck…repeatedly.”
“Oh, sorry.”
Yuka sighed. “What do you want, Kagome?” she asked exasperatedly.
“I was wondering if you wanted to go out for lunch?”
A loud groan reached Kagome’s ears through the receiver. “L-lunch! Are you fucking insane?! The next time you mention something having to do with food, I’m gonna hurl!”
“Aw, come on, Yuka! It’ll be fun!”
“Forget it, Kagome.”
“Well you can’t just lie in bed all day! Besides, I have something that belongs to you.”
“It can wait.”
“You won’t feel better unless you get up and do something.”
“Says the rube who’s never had a drop of alcohol in her life.”
Kagome harrumphed. “Well, I may be a ‘rube’ when it comes to drinking, but having an empty stomach can’t be helping your body recover. I’m coming over to your house, and we’re going out for lunch. If you aren’t ready when I get there, I’m dragging you out the door in your pajamas or whatever you have on!”
“Alright, alright, if it will get you to stop blabbing!”
“Great! See you in a few!”
“Mm.” *Click*
“It’s too damn bright.”
“Aw, lighten up, Yuka! So what do you want to eat?”
“Something that won’t make me sick.”
“How about ramen, then?”
Yuka grunted. They got a table at a small restaurant which Kagome had taken Inuyasha to last month. He loved the ramen here, and that kind of food probably wouldn’t upset Yuka’s turbulent stomach too much. After placing her order, the girl folded her arms on the tabletop and rested her head on them.
“It’s that bad?” Kagome asked again. “You didn’t seem that drunk last night…”
“I wasn’t. At least, not while you were there.” Picking her head up to make sure no one was eavesdropping, Yuka lowered her voice. “Remember those pills I bought for Akira?”
“Yeah. I still say you should just talk to him about it.”
“Whatever. Anyway, I put one in his drink, but it didn’t work. And then I couldn’t find the stupid bottle to give him another one. He passed out, and I drank myself to sleep. It sucked.”
At this point, Kagome smirked, and Yuka suddenly had a bad feeling about this whole conversation.
“Would this be the bottle you were looking for, Yuka?” Kagome asked, taking the container of ED pills out of her purse and setting it on the table between them.
“How—? Wha—? How did you get those?” Yuka stuttered. “Why did you take them?” she asked, as annoyed as she was curious.
“I didn’t. Inuyasha did.”
Okay, now Yuka was just confused. “But I thought he didn’t nee—”
“He doesn’t.” Leaning closer, grinning ear to ear, Kagome finally decided to enlighten her friend. “You gave Inuyasha the wrong drink, Yuka.” It was comical really, watching the emotions flash across the other girl’s face. Shock, understanding, and finally embarrassment graced her features before she put her head in her hands.
“Oh, Kami! I can’t believe I did that! I’m sorry, Kagome!”
Kagome chuckled merrily. “Don’t worry, Yuka, I’m definitely not angry,” she replied, a wistful smile on her face.
“Well, it sounds like somebody had a nice night.”
“I guess you could say that,” Kagome answered shyly, blushing.
“I thought you were walking a little…gingerly today,” Yuka said, causing Kagome’s countenance to flush deeper red. “So, is Inuyasha mad?”
“No, but he is pretty furious with Souta.”
“Why? What did your brother do?”
“Well, Inuyasha figured out from his reaction what had happened, but he couldn’t read the English on the bottle.” Kagome hated lying to her friends, but sometimes a little distortion of the truth was best for everyone. “He took the bottle back to Souta to translate, and the imp told him his…thing would fall off if he had an erection lasting more than four hours!”
It took Yuka several minutes to reign in her giggles. “And Inuyasha believed him?!”
Kagome shrugged. “He grew up in a really rural area, so he doesn’t have much experience with a lot of modern conveniences.”
“I didn’t know your brother was so devious.”
“Yeah, he can be. I have a feeling Inuyasha’s going to get him back for this one though.”
“I hope he does. That’s a mean trick to play on a guy. I mean, what’s a man without a penis?”
“A eunuch?”
“Ha ha, real funny, Kagome.”
But he had no intention of finding out, and had already ruled out anything having to do with getting Souta to take one of the ‘dick-upper’ pills, as he called them. Kagome had taken the bottle with her, and he knew the Higurashi family well enough to know his boundaries. So giving Souta a medicine that only adults should take was not an option. But there had to be something he could do! Something that would make the kid think twice before ever playing another trick on him. But what? After another hour of contemplating in vain, Inuyasha growled and leapt down from the tree. He never had a real brother or any childhood companions, so this kind of stuff was completely new to him. It was clear he needed help, but he was reluctant to enlist the aid of the resident trickster. No, asking Shippou for help would probably lead to ‘the talk,’ and he was certainly not ready for that. When the runt was old enough, that duty was getting pawned off to the hentai monk.
What about the monk? Miroku had a sense of humor, and might be able to come up with some good ideas. Still, Inuyasha hesitated. Would the monk make fun of him for getting tricked? Would Miroku hold this over his head for all eternity if he was made privy to it? Keh, what am I worried about? It’s not like the bouzu’s any smarter than I am when it comes to Kagome’s world. Decision made, he stormed off to seek out the lecherous monk.
Miroku was interrupted from a very enjoyable pastime—watching the young village girls wash clothes in the river. He was pretending to meditate, so they completely ignored him as their supple bodies moved up and down…up and down… And then he found himself being dragged off by the collar of his robes, watching longingly as the collection of provocatively swaying female behinds faded into the distance.
“Inuyasha,” he asked in exasperation. “Where are you taking me? If you wanted to talk we could have done so by the river.”
“Feh. You know damn well you wouldn’t have listened to a word I said, not with all those girls there.”
Miroku smiled wryly. Well, he’s got me there… “Well I think we’re far enough away so nobody can hear us. So you can stop dragging me on my ass now!”
Without any preamble, Inuyasha released him, causing Miroku to nearly fall on his back. Turning to face the hanyou, he crossed his legs as Inuyasha sat and mirrored his pose. “Now, what is the matter?”
“Uh, yesterday, Kagome and I went to a party…” Inuyasha began, recapping in mortifying detail the events of the day before, including his condition and how he figured out what caused it. His face matched his haori, and Miroku looked like he was barely holding in his laughter. That is, until Inuyasha told him what Souta said.
“He said WHAT?!!!” the monk shouted in an uncharacteristic display of raw passion.
“You heard me, bouzu.”
Frowning, Miroku took hold of his staff—his metal staff—and thumped Inuyasha squarely in the privates.
“AAARRGGHHH!!!!” the hanyou cried as he doubled over. “Wh-what the fuck was that for?!”
“Just checking, Inuyasha,” Miroku replied with a smirk.
“You damn bouzu! I’ll grind your nuts into powder!”
“Not if you want my help in paying Kagome’s brother back, you won’t. That is what this is all about, is it not?” At Inuyasha’s dumbfounded nod, Miroku stood and began pacing back and forth. “It must be something elegant, but brutally effective at the same time. This Souta must be made to understand that you don’t joke about things like that! After all, what’s a man without a penis?”
“A really ugly woman?”
Miroku sweatdropped. “That was a rhetorical question, Inuyasha.”
“A what?”
“Never mind. Have you come up with any ideas?”
“None that wouldn’t put me in Kagome’s doghouse.”
Miroku grinned at this comment, a look that made Inuyasha worry. “Ah, yes,” the monk drolled, “just what did you do last night after Souta played his trick on you? Or perhaps I should ask, how many times did you do it?”
“Shut the fuck up, bouzu!” Inuyasha ordered, flushing again.
Miroku sighed wistfully. “You are a lucky dog, my friend. Sango still insists on waiting until we are married to go any farther than kissing. I respect her wishes, but it is difficult, especially when someone keeps rubbing my nose in his own sexual adventures.”
“Feh! You’re the one who brought it up, asshole! Besides, maybe Sango would be more willing to fool around if you didn’t come on to every pretty woman you meet.”
“B-but, the hand! It’s curs—”
“Yeah, yeah, I know. Stop bullshitting and start thinking of ways to get Souta back!”
Miroku sighed dejectedly, but he nevertheless turned his full attention to Inuyasha’s problem. Unfortunately, he was in much the same boat as the hanyou when it came to childhood experience with pranks. It was several minutes before either man spoke.
“Well, got any ideas, bouzu?”
“Perhaps. I think scaring Souta is the best way to go. It won’t hurt him, and the memory of that fear can be a very powerful deterrent the next time he thinks about playing a trick on you.”
“Yeah, so how do we scare him?”
“I’m not sure. I thought of shikigami…”
“Shikigami? How would I use those?”
“Well, do you remember those two sexy priestesses Momiji and Botan?”
Inuyasha rolled his eyes. “Yeah, I remember. Somehow I don’t think a giant, fake-looking doll of me would scare Souta. A Kagome one, maybe,” he said with a smirk.
“I’ll be sure to tell Kagome-sama you said that.”
“Not unless you want Sango to know why you insist on meditating by the river.”
Miroku chuckled nervously. “Yes, well…back to the task at hand! It’s easy enough to make shikigami, and I have the power to animate them, but I don’t have much skill in crafting their appearances. Perhaps Shippou could help us with that.”
“Fuck no! We’re not telling the runt about this!”
“Why not?”
“Uh…he’s too young!”
Miroku leaned his forehead into his palm with an exasperate sigh. “Inuyasha, I never said he needed to know all the details. We’ll just tell him Souta played a trick on you and you want to get him back.” Inuyasha was still hesitant, but gave in despite his reservations. The two co-conspirators set off to track down the young fox kit. They found him practicing his kitsune-bi in a meadow near the bone-eater’s well.
“Oi, ru—” Miroku elbowed him in the side, his frown indicating his displeasure. Inuyasha growled to himself; he was going to have to be nice, and he hated it. “Uh, Shippou, could you come over here please?” His request had the opposite of its intended effect, however. Instead of putting Shippou at ease, it spooked him and put him on edge. After all, what possible reason could Inuyasha have for being nice to him? This could either be very good or very bad.
“Wh-what do you want, Inuyasha?” he asked, keeping a safe distance between them.
“Dammit! Just fucking get over here!” Oddly, that demand put Shippou at ease, though he still complied warily. The three males sat in a rough triangle, with Shippou closer to Miroku than he was Inuyasha. The hanyou looked nervous, while the monk just seemed amused.
“Okay, what’s up?”
“Well, Shippou,” Miroku interjected before Inuyasha could answer, “Kagome-sama’s younger brother played a trick on Inuyasha and we’d like your help in paying him back.”
“What kind of trick?”
“We ain’t fuckin’ telli—” *Bonk* Inuyasha scowled at Miroku, rubbing the bruise on his head, courtesy of the monk’s staff.
“It was the kind of trick you should never play on a man, Shippou.” The kit was confused by the monk’s words, but shrugged it off. Judging by Inuyasha’s reaction, it wouldn’t to any good to pry.
“Okay, what do you want me to do?”
“Well, we were thinking of using shikigami to scare him, but I don’t know how to make them look like terrifying youkai. I thought you might be able to do something with your kitsune-bi.”
“Uh…did you try just drawing on them?”
Inuyasha and Miroku shared a look. Why hadn’t they thought of the most obvious thing?
“Hmm…that would probably work!” the monk exclaimed. “Shippou, you’re the resident artist, so why don’t you draw on them?”
“Okay,” the kit replied with an evil smirk on his face, “but I’ll want some things in return.”
Grrrrrr. “How about this?” Inuyasha posed while raising his fist menacingly. “Do it, and I won’t bash your head in.”
“Now, now, Inuyasha,” Miroku scolded, “you can’t just force Shippou to do what you want. You have to bargain.”
“Bargain my ass! I’ll do it myself!” the hanyou yelled as he stood to storm off.
“Yeah,” Shippou quipped, “if you want them to make Kagome’s brother laugh. Face it, Inuyasha. You couldn’t even draw a stick figure!”
Inuyasha grimaced; the kit was right. He could only imagine just how bad anything designed by him would look. “What are your demands, runt?” he ground out through clenched teeth.
At this, Shippou’s smile grew mischievous. “From now on you have to call me ‘Shippou-sama, The Great Lord of the Kitsune, Protector of Weak Humans and Hanyou, Savior of—’”
“WHAT?!!! Come here, you little shi—” *Bonk* “Dammit, bouzu! Stop fuckin’ doing that!”
“Calm yourself, baka. Shippou, perhaps you should make a more reasonable demand.”
“Okay,” the kit replied, biting his lower lip in concentration. “Oh! From now on, whenever there’s one piece of dinner left, you have to let me have it. You can’t bop me on the head and take it!”
“That seems reasonable to me. Do you agree, Inuyasha?” The hanyou had different ideas about what was reasonable, but he assented nonetheless.
“And one more thing,” Shippou added. “You can’t tell Kagome I helped you. When you get in trouble for this, I had nothing to do with it.”
“Feh. Why would it piss Kagome off? I’m just gonna scare her brother a little.”
“You’ll screw it up. You always do.”
“Shut up, runt. We’ll see about that.”
“Hey, Inu-no-niichan! What’s up?”
Inuyasha grinned, revealing one of his fangs. Speak of the devil… The kid was outside kicking around his soccer ball, and Inuyasha was pleased to detect a twinge of nervousness in his scent. Good, he should be afraid!
“Where’s your sister, kid?”
“At the mall. She called and said she and Yuka were going.” Inuyasha grimaced, remembering the afternoon he had spent at said shopping center, carrying bags and following Kagome and her giggling friends. The other boyfriends had been just as miserable as he, but none of them had to deal with the overwhelming sounds and smells of that place. There were just too many damn humans in Kagome’s time.
“Want me to teach you how to play soccer?” Souta asked, an attempt to make peace if Inuyasha had ever heard one. Heh. Sorry kid, but you’re not getting off the hook that easily, even if you apologize.
“I’ll pass.” With that, he strolled away, crossing the shrine grounds and ducking around the other side of the house. Souta resumed his game, and Inuyasha waited several minutes before subtly flicking a shikigami onto the pavement. Miroku had already charged them, and each was set to activate soon after being separated from its fellow shikigami. Shippou’s artwork was impressive, much more detailed than the drawings he did for fun. It had taken him several hours to adorn a handful of shikigami with scaly skin, sharp claws, and even drooling mouths with huge teeth. They had tested one on the other side of the well, and it almost looked like a real youkai. He was confident an inexperienced eye would be unable to see past the illusion. And just for added effect, Miroku had written some lines on each shikigami, so they would use a few actual words instead of just making dull noises. Yep, this was going to scare the shit out of Souta, perhaps literally.
After a few seconds, the shikigami transformed in a flash of light, instantly becoming a large green reptilian youkai. The thing lumbered toward Souta, who happened to be facing the other direction and didn’t turn around until the shadow fell over him. The kid’s petrified expression was priceless; it looked as if his eyes might inflate like balloons and shoot out of his head.
“Human,” the fake youkai addressed the trembling boy, “where are the jewel shards?”
“I-I-I d-dunno,” Souta managed, causing Inuyasha to laugh with glee. Nice back story, Miroku! The jewel shards are probably upstairs in Kagome’s room, so it’s entirely believable that the youkai would have sensed them. Like that stupid Noh mask!
“Then I’ll just devour you!” the youkai declared, reaching a clawed hand toward his prey.
“WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!” Souta’s scream was genuine, and composed of 100% pure terror. Inuyasha waited another second before bolting around the side of the house.
“Oi, brat! Wha— What the fuck is that thing?!” Not waiting for a response, he leapt at the shikigami and dispatched it with a single slash from Tetsusaiga. It seemed to disintegrate into dust; the only thing left was the remains of the tiny paper figure, which he shrewdly covered with a foot. Souta was still too frozen in fear to notice such a small detail anyway.
“Souta? What’s the matter?” Mrs. Higurashi called as she leaned out the front door.
“Good heavens! What’s all the ruckus, lad?!” Souta’s grandfather yelled as he emerged from the storage shed.
“Nothing serious!” Inuyasha answered both of them. “The baka tripped and almost fell down the shrine steps. Had to snatch him out of the air.”
“Oh,” the boy’s mother said. “Be more careful, Souta! And thank you for saving him, Inuyasha,” she stated, giving him a heartwarming smile. Inuyasha bowed politely and waved her off, in a better mood than he had been in a long time. This is great! Not only did I nearly scare Souta out of his skin, but his family thinks I saved his life!
“W-why didn’t you tell them a y-y-youkai attacked?” Souta asked as his relatives went back to their previous activities.
“Feh. Your mom would just worry, and the jijii would run around putting useless sutras all over the place. Telling them wouldn’t make a difference, anyway. You helpless humans can’t do shit about youkai.”
Souta’s face paled further, if that was possible. He certainly didn’t need another reminder of his own vulnerability. “B-b-but you could smell if another one was coming, right?”
Inuyasha rubbed his chin as if he was deep in thought. “Dunno. I didn’t smell that youkai. I guess it didn’t have much of a scent to it.”
Souta gulped, glancing around uneasily, and Inuyasha decided to press his advantage.
“You know,” he observed casually, “weak youkai like that usually travel in groups, so there are probably more.” Evidently, that had been too much. Souta frowned, his sudden suspicion apparent. He was a smart kid, so it was no surprise that he smelled a rat.
“Inuyasha, are you sure those were real youkai? You aren’t playing a trick on me, are you?” If he hadn’t anticipated this question, Inuyasha probably would have panicked and given away the whole scheme. But he had put a lot of thought and effort into this plan, and figured Souta would grow skeptical at some point. He hadn’t expected it to be so soon, but he was ready nonetheless. Putting on his most serious expression, he put the finishing touch on his own Oscar-worthy performance.
“If only, Souta. If only…” he said solemnly, further spooking the boy by using his actual name instead of ‘brat’ or ‘kid.’ Inuyasha could tell by scent alone that he had Souta hanging on every word, his suspicions replaced by fear. The kid grabbed his ball and turned to run inside, but Inuyasha’s voice stopped him.
“And don’t think I’ve forgotten about that little prank you pulled last night. I will pay you back.”
Souta gulped again, his anxiety spiking through the roof as he dashed through the front door. Inuyasha snickered quietly to himself. Did he feel a little guilty? Yeah, but the brat deserved it. He still had a handful of shikigami, but he didn’t want to scar the kid for life. One more would have to do. Now to think of the perfect time and place to deploy it…
Souta almost didn’t come down for dinner, and when he did his hands could be seen vibrating as he tried to eat. His eyes were constantly in motion, nervously scanning the room. Oh, he hid it well enough so his family wouldn’t notice, but if you were watching for them, the signs of his apprehension were clear as day. After dinner, Souta went back upstairs to shower and Inuyasha helped Mrs. Higurashi wash the dishes. It was as he was running his hands through the warm, soapy water that the idea came to him. A dastardly evil, perfect idea. He quickly finished the dishes and hurried off to put his plan into action. He could hear the shower running on the other side of the bathroom door. Grinning maniacally, he selected a shikigami from the group and pushed it under the door. He had purposefully chosen a smaller shikigami, one that would be able to fit in the confined space. It wouldn’t hurt the kid, but just the thought of Souta bolting out of the bathroom stark naked in terror made him want to start cackling like a lunatic. He settled for an anticipatory smirk.
“Hey, Inu-no-niichan, what are you doing?”
“Shut up, kid. I’m trying to play a trick on you.”
It took a little over a half a second for Inuyasha to realize that something was very wrong here. Spinning, he looked with horror at the object of his trick, standing innocently in the middle of the hallway.
“What the—?! Why aren’t you in the bathroom?!”
Souta quirked his head to the side. “Nee-chan beat me to it. Why?” Then his eyes lit up in understanding. “Hey! You really were playing a trick on me!”
Inuyasha’s reply was forestalled by a shriek from the bathroom, quickly followed by a blast of purifying energy that made his hair stand on end. It was a very feminine scream, one he had heard countless times before. Normally it instilled a certain fear in him, but never for himself. Yet here he was, counting down the seconds to his own doom as the water stopped running. How had he not noticed that it was Kagome in there and not Souta? How had he not picked up her scent? He must have simply missed it in his excitement. He turned toward Souta just in time to see the door to the boy’s bedroom slam shut. Souta had seen the wrath of his sister many times before, and knew the best tactic was to run and hide. That wasn’t an option for Inuyasha; he would have to face his girlfriend sooner or later, and he would be damned if he ever fled from her.
“Inuyasha!” Kagome exclaimed as she yanked the door open. “Explain this!” she demanded, holding up the charred remains of the shikigami. Inuyasha’s mouth went dry; he couldn’t even muster any kind of coherent response. But it wasn’t fear that paralyzed him so. Kagome was wrapped in nothing but a towel. Her hair was mess, and her eyes shone with indignation and rage. The droplets of water clinging to her skin shimmered teasingly, the sight of her stirring his blood. In short, she was breathtaking. And she was pissed. She advanced on him, and he backed up until they were inside her bedroom. Realizing that there was nowhere else to go, he tried to explain himself.
“W-wait, Kagome! I—”
“Osuwari!” When nothing happened, Kagome began an epic rant. “Ooooh, sometimes you make me wish I’d never taken that rosary off! Why would you do something like that? For shits and giggles?! Honestly, I could have broken my neck, or…”
Inuyasha tuned her out, wracking his brain for a way to get her to shut up so he could justify his actions. In the end, only one came to mind. Stepping to her, he looped his arm around her waist and smashed her to him as he leaned down and planted his lips on hers. She stiffened and struggled for a few seconds, but eventually gave in as the scent of mutual arousal filled the air. She didn’t melt into his embrace like she normally did, however. Instead, she shoved him backward until he collapsed on the bed. She loomed over him, like a tigress getting ready to pounce on helpless prey, as she flung the towel from her body.
She stirred slightly and he peered down at her, running his fingers through her hair. How could an angel be such a demon in the sack? Chocolate eyes blinked open, and she yawned before raising her head and meeting his gaze. She flushed slightly, embarrassed by her boldness, but grinned nonetheless.
“Hey, baka,” she murmured.
“Baka? Why am I a baka?”
“Maybe ‘cause you almost gave me a heart attack in the shower! What the hell was that all about?”
“Keh. Sorry, it was meant for Souta.”
“Oh, your payback?”
Inuyasha nodded. “Yeah, it worked once. I guess I got greedy.”
“Those shikigami were really well done. Who made them?”
“The bouzu, and Shippou drew—ah, crap!”
“What?”
“I wasn’t supposed to tell you that Shippou helped. I don’t feel like listening to his whining, so you didn’t hear that from me, got it?”
Kagome favored him with a sultry smirk. “Oh, yeah? And what are you going to do to me if I decide to tell him anyway?”
“Bitch,” Inuyasha growled playfully as he pinned her beneath him. Kagome would have to spend another morning walking around gingerly…
The End
A/N – Sequel to Erectile Dysinformation, which I have incorporated as the second chapter of the fic. Written in 2009 and lightly edited in 2015.
Payback
“What the fuck do you want?!”
Jumping, Kagome pulled the phone away from her ear for a moment. “Kami, Yuka! You scared me half to death!”
“Oh, it’s you, Kagome,” Yuka said, only slightly embarrassed at her outburst. “Why on Earth are you calling me at this ungodly hour?”
“Uh…it’s eleven-thirty in the morning, Yuka.” A miserable grunt was her only reply. “You don’t sound too good. Are you sick?” The other girl laughed, though there was no amusement in the sound.
“Clearly you’ve never had a hangover before.”
“No, I haven’t. Is it that bad?”
“I feel like I got hit by a truck…repeatedly.”
“Oh, sorry.”
Yuka sighed. “What do you want, Kagome?” she asked exasperatedly.
“I was wondering if you wanted to go out for lunch?”
A loud groan reached Kagome’s ears through the receiver. “L-lunch! Are you fucking insane?! The next time you mention something having to do with food, I’m gonna hurl!”
“Aw, come on, Yuka! It’ll be fun!”
“Forget it, Kagome.”
“Well you can’t just lie in bed all day! Besides, I have something that belongs to you.”
“It can wait.”
“You won’t feel better unless you get up and do something.”
“Says the rube who’s never had a drop of alcohol in her life.”
Kagome harrumphed. “Well, I may be a ‘rube’ when it comes to drinking, but having an empty stomach can’t be helping your body recover. I’m coming over to your house, and we’re going out for lunch. If you aren’t ready when I get there, I’m dragging you out the door in your pajamas or whatever you have on!”
“Alright, alright, if it will get you to stop blabbing!”
“Great! See you in a few!”
“Mm.” *Click*
* * *
“Ah, what a gorgeous day!” Kagome twirled on the
sidewalk, taking pleasure from the simple beauty of nature, even
inside a crowded city. Her droopy-eyed, frizzy-haired friend
was not impressed. “It’s too damn bright.”
“Aw, lighten up, Yuka! So what do you want to eat?”
“Something that won’t make me sick.”
“How about ramen, then?”
Yuka grunted. They got a table at a small restaurant which Kagome had taken Inuyasha to last month. He loved the ramen here, and that kind of food probably wouldn’t upset Yuka’s turbulent stomach too much. After placing her order, the girl folded her arms on the tabletop and rested her head on them.
“It’s that bad?” Kagome asked again. “You didn’t seem that drunk last night…”
“I wasn’t. At least, not while you were there.” Picking her head up to make sure no one was eavesdropping, Yuka lowered her voice. “Remember those pills I bought for Akira?”
“Yeah. I still say you should just talk to him about it.”
“Whatever. Anyway, I put one in his drink, but it didn’t work. And then I couldn’t find the stupid bottle to give him another one. He passed out, and I drank myself to sleep. It sucked.”
At this point, Kagome smirked, and Yuka suddenly had a bad feeling about this whole conversation.
“Would this be the bottle you were looking for, Yuka?” Kagome asked, taking the container of ED pills out of her purse and setting it on the table between them.
“How—? Wha—? How did you get those?” Yuka stuttered. “Why did you take them?” she asked, as annoyed as she was curious.
“I didn’t. Inuyasha did.”
Okay, now Yuka was just confused. “But I thought he didn’t nee—”
“He doesn’t.” Leaning closer, grinning ear to ear, Kagome finally decided to enlighten her friend. “You gave Inuyasha the wrong drink, Yuka.” It was comical really, watching the emotions flash across the other girl’s face. Shock, understanding, and finally embarrassment graced her features before she put her head in her hands.
“Oh, Kami! I can’t believe I did that! I’m sorry, Kagome!”
Kagome chuckled merrily. “Don’t worry, Yuka, I’m definitely not angry,” she replied, a wistful smile on her face.
“Well, it sounds like somebody had a nice night.”
“I guess you could say that,” Kagome answered shyly, blushing.
“I thought you were walking a little…gingerly today,” Yuka said, causing Kagome’s countenance to flush deeper red. “So, is Inuyasha mad?”
“No, but he is pretty furious with Souta.”
“Why? What did your brother do?”
“Well, Inuyasha figured out from his reaction what had happened, but he couldn’t read the English on the bottle.” Kagome hated lying to her friends, but sometimes a little distortion of the truth was best for everyone. “He took the bottle back to Souta to translate, and the imp told him his…thing would fall off if he had an erection lasting more than four hours!”
It took Yuka several minutes to reign in her giggles. “And Inuyasha believed him?!”
Kagome shrugged. “He grew up in a really rural area, so he doesn’t have much experience with a lot of modern conveniences.”
“I didn’t know your brother was so devious.”
“Yeah, he can be. I have a feeling Inuyasha’s going to get him back for this one though.”
“I hope he does. That’s a mean trick to play on a guy. I mean, what’s a man without a penis?”
“A eunuch?”
“Ha ha, real funny, Kagome.”
* * *
Inuyasha sat brooding in Goshinboku on his side of the well.
He hadn’t put up a fuss when Kagome left to go have
lunch with her friend. No, he wasn’t going anywhere
until he was ready to face Souta, with a suitable payback in mind.
But thinking of something that satisfied both definitions of
the word ‘appropriate’ was proving difficult. It
had to be retribution to fit the severity of the crime, and also
something that wouldn’t scar the kid for life and drive
Kagome to ‘osuwari’ him into a crater. Or worse,
rescind his sexual privileges. He smirked despite himself,
unsure who that would punish more…But he had no intention of finding out, and had already ruled out anything having to do with getting Souta to take one of the ‘dick-upper’ pills, as he called them. Kagome had taken the bottle with her, and he knew the Higurashi family well enough to know his boundaries. So giving Souta a medicine that only adults should take was not an option. But there had to be something he could do! Something that would make the kid think twice before ever playing another trick on him. But what? After another hour of contemplating in vain, Inuyasha growled and leapt down from the tree. He never had a real brother or any childhood companions, so this kind of stuff was completely new to him. It was clear he needed help, but he was reluctant to enlist the aid of the resident trickster. No, asking Shippou for help would probably lead to ‘the talk,’ and he was certainly not ready for that. When the runt was old enough, that duty was getting pawned off to the hentai monk.
What about the monk? Miroku had a sense of humor, and might be able to come up with some good ideas. Still, Inuyasha hesitated. Would the monk make fun of him for getting tricked? Would Miroku hold this over his head for all eternity if he was made privy to it? Keh, what am I worried about? It’s not like the bouzu’s any smarter than I am when it comes to Kagome’s world. Decision made, he stormed off to seek out the lecherous monk.
Miroku was interrupted from a very enjoyable pastime—watching the young village girls wash clothes in the river. He was pretending to meditate, so they completely ignored him as their supple bodies moved up and down…up and down… And then he found himself being dragged off by the collar of his robes, watching longingly as the collection of provocatively swaying female behinds faded into the distance.
“Inuyasha,” he asked in exasperation. “Where are you taking me? If you wanted to talk we could have done so by the river.”
“Feh. You know damn well you wouldn’t have listened to a word I said, not with all those girls there.”
Miroku smiled wryly. Well, he’s got me there… “Well I think we’re far enough away so nobody can hear us. So you can stop dragging me on my ass now!”
Without any preamble, Inuyasha released him, causing Miroku to nearly fall on his back. Turning to face the hanyou, he crossed his legs as Inuyasha sat and mirrored his pose. “Now, what is the matter?”
“Uh, yesterday, Kagome and I went to a party…” Inuyasha began, recapping in mortifying detail the events of the day before, including his condition and how he figured out what caused it. His face matched his haori, and Miroku looked like he was barely holding in his laughter. That is, until Inuyasha told him what Souta said.
“He said WHAT?!!!” the monk shouted in an uncharacteristic display of raw passion.
“You heard me, bouzu.”
Frowning, Miroku took hold of his staff—his metal staff—and thumped Inuyasha squarely in the privates.
“AAARRGGHHH!!!!” the hanyou cried as he doubled over. “Wh-what the fuck was that for?!”
“Just checking, Inuyasha,” Miroku replied with a smirk.
“You damn bouzu! I’ll grind your nuts into powder!”
“Not if you want my help in paying Kagome’s brother back, you won’t. That is what this is all about, is it not?” At Inuyasha’s dumbfounded nod, Miroku stood and began pacing back and forth. “It must be something elegant, but brutally effective at the same time. This Souta must be made to understand that you don’t joke about things like that! After all, what’s a man without a penis?”
“A really ugly woman?”
Miroku sweatdropped. “That was a rhetorical question, Inuyasha.”
“A what?”
“Never mind. Have you come up with any ideas?”
“None that wouldn’t put me in Kagome’s doghouse.”
Miroku grinned at this comment, a look that made Inuyasha worry. “Ah, yes,” the monk drolled, “just what did you do last night after Souta played his trick on you? Or perhaps I should ask, how many times did you do it?”
“Shut the fuck up, bouzu!” Inuyasha ordered, flushing again.
Miroku sighed wistfully. “You are a lucky dog, my friend. Sango still insists on waiting until we are married to go any farther than kissing. I respect her wishes, but it is difficult, especially when someone keeps rubbing my nose in his own sexual adventures.”
“Feh! You’re the one who brought it up, asshole! Besides, maybe Sango would be more willing to fool around if you didn’t come on to every pretty woman you meet.”
“B-but, the hand! It’s curs—”
“Yeah, yeah, I know. Stop bullshitting and start thinking of ways to get Souta back!”
Miroku sighed dejectedly, but he nevertheless turned his full attention to Inuyasha’s problem. Unfortunately, he was in much the same boat as the hanyou when it came to childhood experience with pranks. It was several minutes before either man spoke.
“Well, got any ideas, bouzu?”
“Perhaps. I think scaring Souta is the best way to go. It won’t hurt him, and the memory of that fear can be a very powerful deterrent the next time he thinks about playing a trick on you.”
“Yeah, so how do we scare him?”
“I’m not sure. I thought of shikigami…”
“Shikigami? How would I use those?”
“Well, do you remember those two sexy priestesses Momiji and Botan?”
Inuyasha rolled his eyes. “Yeah, I remember. Somehow I don’t think a giant, fake-looking doll of me would scare Souta. A Kagome one, maybe,” he said with a smirk.
“I’ll be sure to tell Kagome-sama you said that.”
“Not unless you want Sango to know why you insist on meditating by the river.”
Miroku chuckled nervously. “Yes, well…back to the task at hand! It’s easy enough to make shikigami, and I have the power to animate them, but I don’t have much skill in crafting their appearances. Perhaps Shippou could help us with that.”
“Fuck no! We’re not telling the runt about this!”
“Why not?”
“Uh…he’s too young!”
Miroku leaned his forehead into his palm with an exasperate sigh. “Inuyasha, I never said he needed to know all the details. We’ll just tell him Souta played a trick on you and you want to get him back.” Inuyasha was still hesitant, but gave in despite his reservations. The two co-conspirators set off to track down the young fox kit. They found him practicing his kitsune-bi in a meadow near the bone-eater’s well.
“Oi, ru—” Miroku elbowed him in the side, his frown indicating his displeasure. Inuyasha growled to himself; he was going to have to be nice, and he hated it. “Uh, Shippou, could you come over here please?” His request had the opposite of its intended effect, however. Instead of putting Shippou at ease, it spooked him and put him on edge. After all, what possible reason could Inuyasha have for being nice to him? This could either be very good or very bad.
“Wh-what do you want, Inuyasha?” he asked, keeping a safe distance between them.
“Dammit! Just fucking get over here!” Oddly, that demand put Shippou at ease, though he still complied warily. The three males sat in a rough triangle, with Shippou closer to Miroku than he was Inuyasha. The hanyou looked nervous, while the monk just seemed amused.
“Okay, what’s up?”
“Well, Shippou,” Miroku interjected before Inuyasha could answer, “Kagome-sama’s younger brother played a trick on Inuyasha and we’d like your help in paying him back.”
“What kind of trick?”
“We ain’t fuckin’ telli—” *Bonk* Inuyasha scowled at Miroku, rubbing the bruise on his head, courtesy of the monk’s staff.
“It was the kind of trick you should never play on a man, Shippou.” The kit was confused by the monk’s words, but shrugged it off. Judging by Inuyasha’s reaction, it wouldn’t to any good to pry.
“Okay, what do you want me to do?”
“Well, we were thinking of using shikigami to scare him, but I don’t know how to make them look like terrifying youkai. I thought you might be able to do something with your kitsune-bi.”
“Uh…did you try just drawing on them?”
Inuyasha and Miroku shared a look. Why hadn’t they thought of the most obvious thing?
“Hmm…that would probably work!” the monk exclaimed. “Shippou, you’re the resident artist, so why don’t you draw on them?”
“Okay,” the kit replied with an evil smirk on his face, “but I’ll want some things in return.”
Grrrrrr. “How about this?” Inuyasha posed while raising his fist menacingly. “Do it, and I won’t bash your head in.”
“Now, now, Inuyasha,” Miroku scolded, “you can’t just force Shippou to do what you want. You have to bargain.”
“Bargain my ass! I’ll do it myself!” the hanyou yelled as he stood to storm off.
“Yeah,” Shippou quipped, “if you want them to make Kagome’s brother laugh. Face it, Inuyasha. You couldn’t even draw a stick figure!”
Inuyasha grimaced; the kit was right. He could only imagine just how bad anything designed by him would look. “What are your demands, runt?” he ground out through clenched teeth.
At this, Shippou’s smile grew mischievous. “From now on you have to call me ‘Shippou-sama, The Great Lord of the Kitsune, Protector of Weak Humans and Hanyou, Savior of—’”
“WHAT?!!! Come here, you little shi—” *Bonk* “Dammit, bouzu! Stop fuckin’ doing that!”
“Calm yourself, baka. Shippou, perhaps you should make a more reasonable demand.”
“Okay,” the kit replied, biting his lower lip in concentration. “Oh! From now on, whenever there’s one piece of dinner left, you have to let me have it. You can’t bop me on the head and take it!”
“That seems reasonable to me. Do you agree, Inuyasha?” The hanyou had different ideas about what was reasonable, but he assented nonetheless.
“And one more thing,” Shippou added. “You can’t tell Kagome I helped you. When you get in trouble for this, I had nothing to do with it.”
“Feh. Why would it piss Kagome off? I’m just gonna scare her brother a little.”
“You’ll screw it up. You always do.”
“Shut up, runt. We’ll see about that.”
* * *
Inuyasha exited the well-house and took his first breath of the
polluted city air of Kagome’s era. He was feeling good
about his payback. It was late afternoon, and he fully
intended to make the remainder of the evening Souta’s own
private hell. “Hey, Inu-no-niichan! What’s up?”
Inuyasha grinned, revealing one of his fangs. Speak of the devil… The kid was outside kicking around his soccer ball, and Inuyasha was pleased to detect a twinge of nervousness in his scent. Good, he should be afraid!
“Where’s your sister, kid?”
“At the mall. She called and said she and Yuka were going.” Inuyasha grimaced, remembering the afternoon he had spent at said shopping center, carrying bags and following Kagome and her giggling friends. The other boyfriends had been just as miserable as he, but none of them had to deal with the overwhelming sounds and smells of that place. There were just too many damn humans in Kagome’s time.
“Want me to teach you how to play soccer?” Souta asked, an attempt to make peace if Inuyasha had ever heard one. Heh. Sorry kid, but you’re not getting off the hook that easily, even if you apologize.
“I’ll pass.” With that, he strolled away, crossing the shrine grounds and ducking around the other side of the house. Souta resumed his game, and Inuyasha waited several minutes before subtly flicking a shikigami onto the pavement. Miroku had already charged them, and each was set to activate soon after being separated from its fellow shikigami. Shippou’s artwork was impressive, much more detailed than the drawings he did for fun. It had taken him several hours to adorn a handful of shikigami with scaly skin, sharp claws, and even drooling mouths with huge teeth. They had tested one on the other side of the well, and it almost looked like a real youkai. He was confident an inexperienced eye would be unable to see past the illusion. And just for added effect, Miroku had written some lines on each shikigami, so they would use a few actual words instead of just making dull noises. Yep, this was going to scare the shit out of Souta, perhaps literally.
After a few seconds, the shikigami transformed in a flash of light, instantly becoming a large green reptilian youkai. The thing lumbered toward Souta, who happened to be facing the other direction and didn’t turn around until the shadow fell over him. The kid’s petrified expression was priceless; it looked as if his eyes might inflate like balloons and shoot out of his head.
“Human,” the fake youkai addressed the trembling boy, “where are the jewel shards?”
“I-I-I d-dunno,” Souta managed, causing Inuyasha to laugh with glee. Nice back story, Miroku! The jewel shards are probably upstairs in Kagome’s room, so it’s entirely believable that the youkai would have sensed them. Like that stupid Noh mask!
“Then I’ll just devour you!” the youkai declared, reaching a clawed hand toward his prey.
“WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!” Souta’s scream was genuine, and composed of 100% pure terror. Inuyasha waited another second before bolting around the side of the house.
“Oi, brat! Wha— What the fuck is that thing?!” Not waiting for a response, he leapt at the shikigami and dispatched it with a single slash from Tetsusaiga. It seemed to disintegrate into dust; the only thing left was the remains of the tiny paper figure, which he shrewdly covered with a foot. Souta was still too frozen in fear to notice such a small detail anyway.
“Souta? What’s the matter?” Mrs. Higurashi called as she leaned out the front door.
“Good heavens! What’s all the ruckus, lad?!” Souta’s grandfather yelled as he emerged from the storage shed.
“Nothing serious!” Inuyasha answered both of them. “The baka tripped and almost fell down the shrine steps. Had to snatch him out of the air.”
“Oh,” the boy’s mother said. “Be more careful, Souta! And thank you for saving him, Inuyasha,” she stated, giving him a heartwarming smile. Inuyasha bowed politely and waved her off, in a better mood than he had been in a long time. This is great! Not only did I nearly scare Souta out of his skin, but his family thinks I saved his life!
“W-why didn’t you tell them a y-y-youkai attacked?” Souta asked as his relatives went back to their previous activities.
“Feh. Your mom would just worry, and the jijii would run around putting useless sutras all over the place. Telling them wouldn’t make a difference, anyway. You helpless humans can’t do shit about youkai.”
Souta’s face paled further, if that was possible. He certainly didn’t need another reminder of his own vulnerability. “B-b-but you could smell if another one was coming, right?”
Inuyasha rubbed his chin as if he was deep in thought. “Dunno. I didn’t smell that youkai. I guess it didn’t have much of a scent to it.”
Souta gulped, glancing around uneasily, and Inuyasha decided to press his advantage.
“You know,” he observed casually, “weak youkai like that usually travel in groups, so there are probably more.” Evidently, that had been too much. Souta frowned, his sudden suspicion apparent. He was a smart kid, so it was no surprise that he smelled a rat.
“Inuyasha, are you sure those were real youkai? You aren’t playing a trick on me, are you?” If he hadn’t anticipated this question, Inuyasha probably would have panicked and given away the whole scheme. But he had put a lot of thought and effort into this plan, and figured Souta would grow skeptical at some point. He hadn’t expected it to be so soon, but he was ready nonetheless. Putting on his most serious expression, he put the finishing touch on his own Oscar-worthy performance.
“If only, Souta. If only…” he said solemnly, further spooking the boy by using his actual name instead of ‘brat’ or ‘kid.’ Inuyasha could tell by scent alone that he had Souta hanging on every word, his suspicions replaced by fear. The kid grabbed his ball and turned to run inside, but Inuyasha’s voice stopped him.
“And don’t think I’ve forgotten about that little prank you pulled last night. I will pay you back.”
Souta gulped again, his anxiety spiking through the roof as he dashed through the front door. Inuyasha snickered quietly to himself. Did he feel a little guilty? Yeah, but the brat deserved it. He still had a handful of shikigami, but he didn’t want to scar the kid for life. One more would have to do. Now to think of the perfect time and place to deploy it…
Souta almost didn’t come down for dinner, and when he did his hands could be seen vibrating as he tried to eat. His eyes were constantly in motion, nervously scanning the room. Oh, he hid it well enough so his family wouldn’t notice, but if you were watching for them, the signs of his apprehension were clear as day. After dinner, Souta went back upstairs to shower and Inuyasha helped Mrs. Higurashi wash the dishes. It was as he was running his hands through the warm, soapy water that the idea came to him. A dastardly evil, perfect idea. He quickly finished the dishes and hurried off to put his plan into action. He could hear the shower running on the other side of the bathroom door. Grinning maniacally, he selected a shikigami from the group and pushed it under the door. He had purposefully chosen a smaller shikigami, one that would be able to fit in the confined space. It wouldn’t hurt the kid, but just the thought of Souta bolting out of the bathroom stark naked in terror made him want to start cackling like a lunatic. He settled for an anticipatory smirk.
“Hey, Inu-no-niichan, what are you doing?”
“Shut up, kid. I’m trying to play a trick on you.”
It took a little over a half a second for Inuyasha to realize that something was very wrong here. Spinning, he looked with horror at the object of his trick, standing innocently in the middle of the hallway.
“What the—?! Why aren’t you in the bathroom?!”
Souta quirked his head to the side. “Nee-chan beat me to it. Why?” Then his eyes lit up in understanding. “Hey! You really were playing a trick on me!”
Inuyasha’s reply was forestalled by a shriek from the bathroom, quickly followed by a blast of purifying energy that made his hair stand on end. It was a very feminine scream, one he had heard countless times before. Normally it instilled a certain fear in him, but never for himself. Yet here he was, counting down the seconds to his own doom as the water stopped running. How had he not noticed that it was Kagome in there and not Souta? How had he not picked up her scent? He must have simply missed it in his excitement. He turned toward Souta just in time to see the door to the boy’s bedroom slam shut. Souta had seen the wrath of his sister many times before, and knew the best tactic was to run and hide. That wasn’t an option for Inuyasha; he would have to face his girlfriend sooner or later, and he would be damned if he ever fled from her.
“Inuyasha!” Kagome exclaimed as she yanked the door open. “Explain this!” she demanded, holding up the charred remains of the shikigami. Inuyasha’s mouth went dry; he couldn’t even muster any kind of coherent response. But it wasn’t fear that paralyzed him so. Kagome was wrapped in nothing but a towel. Her hair was mess, and her eyes shone with indignation and rage. The droplets of water clinging to her skin shimmered teasingly, the sight of her stirring his blood. In short, she was breathtaking. And she was pissed. She advanced on him, and he backed up until they were inside her bedroom. Realizing that there was nowhere else to go, he tried to explain himself.
“W-wait, Kagome! I—”
“Osuwari!” When nothing happened, Kagome began an epic rant. “Ooooh, sometimes you make me wish I’d never taken that rosary off! Why would you do something like that? For shits and giggles?! Honestly, I could have broken my neck, or…”
Inuyasha tuned her out, wracking his brain for a way to get her to shut up so he could justify his actions. In the end, only one came to mind. Stepping to her, he looped his arm around her waist and smashed her to him as he leaned down and planted his lips on hers. She stiffened and struggled for a few seconds, but eventually gave in as the scent of mutual arousal filled the air. She didn’t melt into his embrace like she normally did, however. Instead, she shoved him backward until he collapsed on the bed. She loomed over him, like a tigress getting ready to pounce on helpless prey, as she flung the towel from her body.
* * *
Inuyasha smiled lazily to himself as he reclined on the bed, both
hands folded behind his head and his woman snoozing on his chest.
Just when he thought they had done everything two people
could do with sex… Doing it while one of them was angry
was definitely something new. Kagome had never manhandled him
quite like that before. Oh, sure, she had taken control of
their lovemaking on numerous occasions, but at no time had she ever
completely dominated him as she had an hour ago. The
egotistical male in him deeply resented the fact that he had still
enjoyed it immensely. His youkai pride demanded that he turn
the tables. Maybe when Kagome woke up.She stirred slightly and he peered down at her, running his fingers through her hair. How could an angel be such a demon in the sack? Chocolate eyes blinked open, and she yawned before raising her head and meeting his gaze. She flushed slightly, embarrassed by her boldness, but grinned nonetheless.
“Hey, baka,” she murmured.
“Baka? Why am I a baka?”
“Maybe ‘cause you almost gave me a heart attack in the shower! What the hell was that all about?”
“Keh. Sorry, it was meant for Souta.”
“Oh, your payback?”
Inuyasha nodded. “Yeah, it worked once. I guess I got greedy.”
“Those shikigami were really well done. Who made them?”
“The bouzu, and Shippou drew—ah, crap!”
“What?”
“I wasn’t supposed to tell you that Shippou helped. I don’t feel like listening to his whining, so you didn’t hear that from me, got it?”
Kagome favored him with a sultry smirk. “Oh, yeah? And what are you going to do to me if I decide to tell him anyway?”
“Bitch,” Inuyasha growled playfully as he pinned her beneath him. Kagome would have to spend another morning walking around gingerly…
The End