InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Facets of the Living Jewel ❯ Saki-mitama ( Chapter 5 )

Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha or the other characters. Ms. Takahashi does.

From the manga by Rumiko Takahashi:

“Ara-mitama, nigi-mitama, kushi-mitama and saki-mitama.  All together these become one spirit, and in the flesh they live inside the heart.”

 

[Next frame. Miroku continues, while behind him Inuyasha looks a bit stunned.]

 

“Ara-mitama is courage, nigi-mitama is family (or friendship), kushi-mitama is wisdom, saki-mitama is to be in charge of love.  Human nature is correctly maintained between them.”

 

Fonts:

Inuyoukai [thoughts]

Inuhuman (thoughts)

`Thoughts'

 

 

 

Saki-mitama

by Licentia poetica

 

Kagome was relaxed, warm, floating in the hot spring and, although Kirara kept watch in the rocks nearby,…alone.

 

`I'm surprised that Inuyasha allowed me to come here by myself, accompanied only by Kirara, but he seemed…relieved…to let me go.'

 

She glanced at her bow and quiver of arrows near the bush where she had placed her clothing. `Always within reach, no matter where I go in this time.' A sigh escaped her lips. `If only I could make a barrier like Kikyou I wouldn't have to worry about protection so much! But without arrows I can't seem to access my powers unless I'm angry or frightened.'

 

She sighed again and lowered her feet to the pebbled bottom of the spring, crouching to keep her body hidden under the water. `I wonder how Kikyou manages to effortlessly channel her miko powers? If only I could get some training! Kaede helps as much as she can, but she doesn't have the power that Kikyou does and she's always telling me that my powers are a mystery.'

 

She turned her head sharply and tensed at a distant sound, but relaxed again when Kirara did not appear after a few moments. As long as Kirara was near enough to warn her about approaching demons she wasn't too worried about being attacked, but she knew from bitter experience that total relaxation was almost impossible in the Sengoku Jidai. Kirara was close, but the neko-youkai didn't like water and the smell of sulfur, though faint, made her sneeze.

 

`I know she's there, hidden in the rocks, but…I'm alone. Sometimes it's nice to just be quietly by myself. But…at the moment…I'm lonely.'

 

Usually Shippo would accompany her and a soft smile crossed her face as she thought of her kit. `He's tired today. I'm glad I told him to take a nap before supper! If he doesn't get some sleep, he's just going to aggravate Inuyasha and I'm not in the mood to handle their bickering today.'

 

She moved to the deepest portion of the pool, noticing that her hands had become wrinkled with her long stay in the warm water. `I should get out but somehow I just can't go back and be with anyone right now. I don't want to go back and have to deal with any fights or arguing or…'

 

She floated on her back and gave another deep sigh. `I'm lonely, but it always seems like I'm the only one that keeps us together, the only one who keeps things peaceful. They all rely on “good, sweet Kagome” to care about how they feel. I just wish someone cared about how I feel. I feel…I'm…I'm just always alone.'

 

Alone. Isolated. Separate. That was increasingly how she felt, whether in her own era or the Sengoku Jidai, because no one but Inuyasha had to cope with the jumps between times and she would not force him to choose her over Kikyou. She bit back another sigh and stood again, shaking her head to try and dispel her mood.

 

`Most of the time I can cope with this. Why am I so moody today? I guess it's because I'm alone and no one is making me walk faster, or sitting near me to make me do my work more quickly, or calling me baka, or calling me clumsy, or refusing to eat the food I meticulously prepared for him, or…gaah! I need to stop this train of thought! In this mood I'll `sit' Inuyasha just for saying hello!'

 

She walked through the water to the edge of the pool to pick up her shampoo, forcing herself to think of other things; concentrating on the movements of her legs and noting the changes in her body that had occurred in the three years since she had first entered the Sengoku Jidai.

 

`My legs are long and stronger because of the long walks and exercise, but my hips have gotten bigger. Too bad I'm fat now, too.' As she neared the pool's edge she stumbled over a raised stone and nearly fell face first in the water. `Gaah! I may have a woman's body, but in other ways I'm still as clumsy and awkward as ever. Clumsy, powerless, ugly…no wonder no one cares.'

 

If she could have heard Miroku's thoughts about her beauty she would have been shocked. She had long ago learned to dismiss any praise from the lecherous monk and had spent so little time socializing with her peers in her own era that she was absolutely ignorant of her effect on men. Hojo's devotion gave her an odd feeling; she was unsure whether he liked her as a person or viewed her as the perfect test subject for experiments with his family's home remedies. After spending three years traveling in her school uniforms in the Sengoku Jidai she had become used to being viewed as an oddity and her perception that she was inadequate and unattractive was reinforced every time Inuyasha argued and fought with her. On this side of the Well, only Kouga dared to flirt with her as the hanyou effectively barred any other males from even coming close, but she had never believed that the wolf youkai truly loved her; he never spent any time trying to get to know her. She dismissed his attentions and thought that he was only interested in her ability to find the Jewel shards.

 

Kagome grabbed her shampoo bottle from the edge of the pool and began to wash her hair, biting her lower lip hard to keep tears at bay.

 

`I'm just tired. That explains my mood today.'

 

Scrubbing her head harder, she tried to dispel her gloomy thoughts but they intruded again.

 

`Yeah. Tired all right. Tired of being shunned! Why can't anyone care for me? I guess it doesn't matter if men like me or not; I have too many other things to worry about, too many problems to deal with.' She thought about the looks on the faces of the men in the villages. `They stare at me, but the minute I turn to them they look away. They turn away from me. I wish…'

 

She bit her lip again and closed her eyes, unaware that it was the steely glare of the hanyou walking with her that made men keep their distance.

 

`I hope I can find someone, some day…but Inuyasha's always been first and foremost in my heart.'

 

She gave a huff of irritation and ducked under the water, furiously scrubbing her head as if the cleansing would rid her of her thoughts as well as the shampoo. `Stop being stupid! He loves Kikyou, not you. You're just the clumsy, awkward reincarnation who can't cook, or defend yourself, or access your power, or…gaah! I need to think of something else! I wish I still had some school work to do!'

 

For the past three years, while pursuing the Jewel shards with Inuyasha and her friends, she had worked like a slave in every spare moment to finish her school work. She was finished with high school now, having passed with fairly decent scores thanks to Miroku's help with math. He had understood calculus almost intuitively and his patient explanations were the only reason that she had been able to get through it. She planned to take the summer and possibly the next year off before she attended college, but it all depended on the Jewel shards and defeating Naraku.

 

She surfaced and closed her eyes against the pain in her heart, breathing deeply to get her emotions under control. `School's no longer my life's purpose and soon the shards won't be, either. Where do I fit in? I'll have no place here once the Jewel is complete. I'll have no one to share a life with unless I stay to raise Shippo, but Miroku and Sango can do that without me. Inuyasha…well, he'll go with Kikyou. I'll have to go back to my own time.'

 

She watched the shampoo bubbles dissipate and float away on the current, slipping from her with ease.

 

`I feel so…separate. I have no place to belong…and I'm so tired. In my soul…I'm so tired.' Dispiritedly dragging herself from the water, she toweled off, dressed, and began to comb her hair.

 

Suddenly it became too much. `I need to be loved! I need someone to love me! Inuyasha!' She felt as if a knife had been slashed through her heart; her throat tightened painfully and her chest constricted. Unable to hold back the pain any longer she curled up, hugged her knees, and sobbed out her heartbreak.

 

Kirara raised her head in the rocks above Kagome. `Something is wrong, but what? There is no scent of youkai or wild animal, yet something has hurt My-Kagome.' She transformed to her youkai form and looked around, growling.

 

`I sense nothing. What is wrong?'

 

Kirara leaped from the rocks and padded over to Kagome. She began to purr, instinctively understanding that her kitten needed comfort. Still sobbing, Kagome turned and buried her face in Kirara's fur.

 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Sango, walking to the spring, stopped in mid-stride as she saw the glow from Kirara's transformation. `What an idiot! I left my weapons back at the village!' She sprinted along the path to see what the problem was. `I'll just have to fight without them!'

 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Inuyasha froze in the midst of his katana kata as his subliminal awareness of the scents coming from Kagome and Kirara changed. He raised his head and analyzed the smells carried to him on the breeze. `Shit! I would never have agreed to her going to the spring alone if the wind hadn't been from the right quarter. Kirara has just transformed and Kagome's scent is laced with tears. Something is happening!' Shoving the Tessaiga back into its saya he raced to the spring.

 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

“Kagome! What's wrong?” Sango sprinted to Kirara's side and stared worriedly down at the sobbing miko.

 

“I….I can't stop….I feel….so….inside…can't stop,” Kagome sobbed.

 

Sango put her arms around Kagome and drew her into a hug. “Shh, Kagome. It will be all right. Hush now.” She began to rock Kagome back and forth.

 

After a few moments Kagome began to calm down. She pulled away from Sango's embrace and rubbed at her eyes while saying plaintively “What's wrong with me, Sango? Why does no one love me? I try so hard to be there for everyone, but I…I need to be loved. I feel so lonely.” Kagome tried to sit up and get herself under control. “I'm sorry. I don't mean to lose it like this…I just…I need…whew.” She pressed a hand to her forehead. “I need to get myself back together again.”

 

As she took a few deep breaths Sango rubbed her back. “You are loved, Kagome. I think of you as my sister.”

 

Kagome tried to smile and nodded. “I know you do. But I…” her voice broke as she gave another gasping sob. She bit her lip hard and rocked back and forth a bit. After a moment she whispered “I should probably go back to my era.”

 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

After finding no threats Inuyasha had paused in the trees to watch Sango comfort Kagome. Kirara had made eye contact with him and was aware that he was there but the women didn't sense him. He listened to her whispered words and shook his head.

 

`Kagome's hurt and she's my Pack. Hell, she's more than Pack, she's the alpha. I have to protect her and to make her see that she's wrong. About…love.' He stepped forward.

 

“Kagome.”

 

Kagome flinched, looking back at him with fear in her eyes. “Inuyasha! What are you doing here?” She crossed her arms protectively across her chest and turned away, unable to face him with her emotions so raw.

 

“Baka. I smelled your tears. What's wrong?” He glanced at Sango and gestured with his head, indicating that she should leave.

 

Sango glared at him but felt out of place. `I know why Kagome's been crying. It's because that baka hanyou loves Kikyou and Kagome can't cope with it right now, but they need to talk to each other.' She sighed, irritated, and stood up to leave.

 

“I'm going to let you two to talk but I swear Inuyasha, if you make her cry again I'll….I'll brain you with Hiraikotsu when you're not looking!” She stomped off, angry that she couldn't be more help, angry that she had missed out on a bath, and just angry in general. `I hope Miroku tries to grope me. It'll be a great excuse for an outlet!'

 

Kagome turned from Inuyasha and fought for control. She closed her eyes, breathed deeply, and bent her head while hugging her chest. `Why did Sango leave? I feel defenseless!'

 

“Kagome. Talk to me.” His voice was gentle, husky, so unlike the way he usually spoke to her that she was startled.

 

“I…I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you worried. I guess I'm just tired. I should probably go home through the well…”

 

“Kagome.”

 

She heard the demand in his tone and something else…but she didn't know what it meant. “What do you want me to say? I'm just tired, that's all.” She tried to sound casual but her voice lacked conviction. `I'm too tired and raw to get angry, to push him away with words.'

 

“Kagome.”

 

Kagome stifled a sob. Each time he said her name it was as if a leash tightened around her, pulling her closer, but she was afraid she would lose the last shreds of her control if they touched. He stepped closer and she flinched, hugging herself harder as tears threatened again.

 

Inuyasha wasn't sure what to do. `She's holding herself so hard that her fingers are beginning to turn blue.'

 

(She won't look at us and she thinks we don't love her.)

 

`I do, even if there's still the problem with Kikyou. How the hell am I supposed to tell her?' Inuyasha hesitated, old memories of rejection and prejudice warring with his desire to ease her pain.

 

[She is the alpha. Are we?]

 

`Ah, fuck it. Am I the alpha or not? There's only one way to find out.'

 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Translation:

Neko: Japanese; cat