InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Fallen Part Two: For Whom the Bell Tolls ❯ I Hate Myself for Losing You ( Chapter 17 )
[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]
By: lil_rei_chan 
::Kelly Clarkson::
Anime/Manga: InuYasha Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Romance / Psychological / Drama | Type: Continuation | Uploaded On: 06.15.2005 | Updated On: 06.21.2005 | Pages: 2 | Words: 2.5K | Visits: 160 | Status: Completed
::Kelly Clarkson::
Anime/Manga: InuYasha Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Romance / Psychological / Drama | Type: Continuation | Uploaded On: 06.15.2005 | Updated On: 06.21.2005 | Pages: 2 | Words: 2.5K | Visits: 160 | Status: Completed
Chapter 17: I Hate Myself for Losing You
She tried waking up, but there was something blocking her. A familiar power was holding her in her sleep. A soft sigh escaped her as she realized that she had been neglecting her siblings and worrying her friends. She tried to push herself out of the sleep spell that her friends had placed upon her, but found that she still did no possess the strength to break it. Allowing herself to be gently pushed back into dreams, she sighed once more as she felt the lack of a certain presence in her dream world.
Instead of materializing in a forest, or in her time, this time she materialized on the beach. Looking around, she lost herself in momentary, child-like glee. Running to the water, she delicately dipped her foot in the encroaching waves, squealing in delight when she found the water temperature to her liking. Snapping her fingers, her normal attire morphed into a string bikini and she quickly jumped into the water. After swimming around for a while, she decided that she had swum to her heart's content. Slowly walking out of the water, she walked until she was far enough away from the waves and collapsed on the coarse sand. She lay there for several moments before a shadow loomed over her, blocking the warm, loving rays of the sun from reaching her cool body.
Opening her eyes, she didn't know when she had shut them, she gasped when she saw a familiar figure dressed in modern swimming trunks. A whispered name escaped her before she sat up and turned away from him. She remained that way for several moments before she turned back. It was then she realized something. This wasn't the same Sesshoumaru that had been visiting her before. Something about his presence was off, she couldn't sense his aura like she could in other dreams.
This Sesshoumaru was merely a figment of her imagination whereas the other one had been real.
This epiphany shocked Kagome as she slowly stood to inspect her dream Sesshoumaru. Physically they were nearly identical, with a few exceptions. For example, this Sesshoumaru had a ring of red around the pupil of his eyes and the stripes that adorned his cheeks and wrists were accompanied by gold ones that lay just beneath the scarlet ones that have always been there. Though his presence was off, she could still feel that there was something more about this Sesshoumaru than she could sense.
Shruging it off as nothing more than her imagination, she also noticed that this Sesshoumaru had a softer look about his face. His eyes were not as unreadable as was the norm for him, and the tense line of his mouth was more relaxed, making him look more gentle. A sad sigh escaped her lips and a single tear rolled down her cheek as a thought struck her.
She would have loved to see him like that while he was alive, relaxed, but he wasn't. He was dead and it was because of her. Two more tears escaped her as she reached a shaky hand out and gently placed it upon his warm cheek. His eyes closed as his image flickered and slowly faded. A sob escaped her as he faded, her hand left embracing nothing but air.
//I woke up today
Woke up wide awake
In an empty bed
Staring at an empty room
I have myself to blame//
The spell was fading with each moment, she could feel it. Either that or her power was returning. She really didn't care either way, this was her chance to escape. The images of the two Sesshoumaru's were haunting her, both of them standing before her before they melded into one. Then all of the colors melted from their respective places and began to swirl together in a whirlpool of confusing colors that slowly blended to make a pitch black.
With a sharp cry, Kagome jolted out of her sleep, falling from the comforting branches of the goshinboku. Sango and Miroku, who had been lounging at the base of the tree, both looked up in time to see the graceless pheonix falling through the branches of the tree and move. With a thud, Kagome landed on her feet in a crouching position, her wings spread wide while she steadied herself with her left hand.
Slowly, she rose, pushing her shaggy bangs out of her eyes to glare her friends in the eye. Nervously they looked at each other before turning to look back at Kagome. They all stood there for a moment staring at eachother before Kagome quickly turned away from them, walking away. Silent tears were streaming down her face. They had died because of her, Sesshoumaru had died because of her. If she stayed, they would die again.
With each step she took away from them, a little bit of her heart died, but this was something that she had to do. It was several hours of walking before she noticed the presence keeping silent vigil by her side. Stopping, she turned to her little sister, before sobbing and falling into her. Her arms wrapped around the small girl's frame as she shook with the force of her emotions.
"It's all my fault," was the only coherent thing Rin could get out of Kagome for a very long time.
//For the state I'm in today
And now dying
Doesn't seem so cruel
And oh, I don't know what to say
And I don't know anyway
Anymore//
"Rin knows not why you cry sister, but Rin knows it's not your fault."
"But it is my fault, Rin! It is! If I had been stronger and faster, he would still be with us. He would still be here with me. I loved him damnit! I still do, and I never got the chance to tell him!"
"Everything happens for a reason, May- Kagome. Rin is sure we will meet him again, either in this life or the next."
"I hope you're right, Rin."
//I hate myself for losing you
I'm seeing it all so clear
I hate myself for losing you//
Clouds had gathered without them knowing. Large ominous black monstrocities lay looming over their unsuspecting heads. A loud peel of thunder sounded as the first tears of the dark skies fell, causing the girls to jump in surprise. Both of them looked up at the sky as the rain began to fall. Large fat drops hit the earth one after the other, coming in a fast torrent that only served to place a further damper on their moods.
After staring at the steel gray clouds for a moment, both girls scrambled to their feet. And began to run, looking for shelter. The already quickly forming puddles splashed under their feet, as their were soaked to their skin. Finally they reached the spring that had the waterfall with the hidden cave that Kagome had been chased to by Inuyasha so long ago. Quickly Rin ran to the shelter of the hidden cave, while Kagome stopped and looked at her distorted reflection in the rippling waters of the spring.
//What do you do when you look in the mirror
And staring at you is why he's not here?//
She stayed staring at her reflection for several moments, an eternity almost to her tormented soul. Unbidden tears gathered and overflowed to mingle with the tears of the weeping earth. She stayed like that until she was startled out of her thoughts by here little sister, who had poked her head out of the cave through the water. Looking up with dead eyes, she motioned for her sister to go back inside the cave. When she did so, Kagome slowly lowered herself upon an outcropping rock that over looked the water of the spring and stayed like that, studying her reflection in the water.
Though it was distorted from the pattering drops of rain hitting the once smooth surface of the spring, she could still see her reflection. It was something she had come to hate. She could no longer stand to look at herself, to face the reason for the death of so many that she held dear. True, she had revived Sango and Miroku, but they had still died because of her no less. And then there were the others, Shippou, Kirara, Inuyasha and lastly Sesshoumaru, who she couldn't save. Their blood lingered on her hands, just as if she had killed them with her own claws. She had a power greater than theirs and yet it was all for naught. She could not save them.
Lightning streaked across the sky, striking the water just in front of her, striking her distorted reflection. Steam rose from the electrified water and the rain slowed to a light drizzle and then stopped. Before her lay her complete and unobstructed reflection and what she saw she hated. So many deaths lay upon her shoulders, first for breaking the Shikon no Tama and then for not being strong enough to kill her foe. So much blood had been washed over her hands, that she had lost count of who she had killed directly and who she did not. Either way, the blame for so many deaths lay upon her solely. However, what shamed her more than the fact that she had so much blood upon her hands, was the fact that none of it mattered saved the blood of one.
//It's killing me
Inside, and
Now I dread each day
Knowing that I can't be saved//
More and more of her heart wilted and died with her thoughts. She had no way to stop them as they pushed her on the downward spiral to oblivion. For hours she had been sitting there, staring out at nothing now. Her reflection had long since dimmed and faded with the coming of the night. Slowly her eyelids began to droop and fall closed and her body began to lean forward. So lost was she that she did not realize that she was falling asleep until she had pitched headlong into the cool waters of the spring and was rudely shocked away by the intrusion of water in her unsuspecting nose. Quickly gathering her wits, she propelled herself up, out of the water and landed on the bank of the spring, coughing and sputtering for air.
Her heart beat wildly in her chest as she realized that she could have just ended it all right there and then. Fear struck her with those thoughts, fear and confusion. When had she become so lost that she would contemplate leaving her sister alone in the world? When had she buried herself so deeply in her dispair that she would end her life? This wasn't like her at all. She was stronger than that... wasn't she?
Growling under her breath, something that she had picked up from a couple of inu youkai, she entered the cave in which her sister resided and found her asleep. With a sigh, she curled up upon the cold stone floor and fell asleep quickly. Ghosts of the past and present haunted her dreams that night, causing her to toss and turn, crying out for the one person who had not visited her in her dreams.
//From the loneliness
Of living without you
And, oh
I don't know what to do
Not sure that I'll pull through
I wish you knew//
Morning came swiftly upon the duo rousing the younger of the two out of a light troubled sleep to the sound of her older sister shrieking in agony. Rushing to her side, she began shaking her, trying to rouse her from whatever nightmare tormented her sister. Kagome's hands reached up to clutch her head, her claws digging slightly into her scalp, causing little red streams to flow down the sides of her head.
Desperately, Rin tried to restrain her sister before she seriously injured herself. Just as her tiny clawed hands reached out to grab her sister's hands, a wave of black energy, knocking the poor girl into a wall of the cave.
"Get out!" Kagome screamed as she shot up straight, her eyes opening to reveal pitch black orbs. She sat there for several moments afterwards as her eyes slowly returned to normal, panting from the exertion of pushing whatever had been in her head out. Frantically, Kagome looked around, searching for some unknown beast that haunted her alone.
With a sharp gasp she noticed her little sister's crumbled form lieing in the corner of the cave. Rushing to her side, she noticed her labored breathing and the blue veins that were making themselves apparent just below the surface of her near transparent skin. Tears gathered in her eyes as she began shaking Rin, trying to wake her up.
“Rin! Rin! Please wake up! Please don’t leave me!” she cried as she shook her sister with more fervor. After a few more moments of this abuse, the young phoenix slowly opened pure pale yellow eyes for her sister to see she was indeed alive. The glow in her eyes quickly spread from there to her sallow skin, healing everything in its path. After several moments, the glow receded and the girl slowly sat up, rubbing the back of her head.
“Damn, Mayoke, that hurt,” Rin murmured just before her eyes rolled to the back of her head and she dropped.
“Sesshoumaru left you with Jaken too much, little sister,” Kagome sighed as she gently gathered up her sister and began to long trek back to the village with nothing but her thoughts to keep her company.
//I hate myself for losing you
I'm seeing it all so clear
I hate myself for losing you
What do you do when you look in the mirror
And staring at you is why he's not here?//
“Sesshoumaru,” she whispered, as a single tear rolled down her cheek.
//What do you say when everything's said?
Is the reason why he left you in the end?
How do you cry when every tear you shed
Won't ever bring him back again?
I hate myself for loving you//
She tried waking up, but there was something blocking her. A familiar power was holding her in her sleep. A soft sigh escaped her as she realized that she had been neglecting her siblings and worrying her friends. She tried to push herself out of the sleep spell that her friends had placed upon her, but found that she still did no possess the strength to break it. Allowing herself to be gently pushed back into dreams, she sighed once more as she felt the lack of a certain presence in her dream world.
Instead of materializing in a forest, or in her time, this time she materialized on the beach. Looking around, she lost herself in momentary, child-like glee. Running to the water, she delicately dipped her foot in the encroaching waves, squealing in delight when she found the water temperature to her liking. Snapping her fingers, her normal attire morphed into a string bikini and she quickly jumped into the water. After swimming around for a while, she decided that she had swum to her heart's content. Slowly walking out of the water, she walked until she was far enough away from the waves and collapsed on the coarse sand. She lay there for several moments before a shadow loomed over her, blocking the warm, loving rays of the sun from reaching her cool body.
Opening her eyes, she didn't know when she had shut them, she gasped when she saw a familiar figure dressed in modern swimming trunks. A whispered name escaped her before she sat up and turned away from him. She remained that way for several moments before she turned back. It was then she realized something. This wasn't the same Sesshoumaru that had been visiting her before. Something about his presence was off, she couldn't sense his aura like she could in other dreams.
This Sesshoumaru was merely a figment of her imagination whereas the other one had been real.
This epiphany shocked Kagome as she slowly stood to inspect her dream Sesshoumaru. Physically they were nearly identical, with a few exceptions. For example, this Sesshoumaru had a ring of red around the pupil of his eyes and the stripes that adorned his cheeks and wrists were accompanied by gold ones that lay just beneath the scarlet ones that have always been there. Though his presence was off, she could still feel that there was something more about this Sesshoumaru than she could sense.
Shruging it off as nothing more than her imagination, she also noticed that this Sesshoumaru had a softer look about his face. His eyes were not as unreadable as was the norm for him, and the tense line of his mouth was more relaxed, making him look more gentle. A sad sigh escaped her lips and a single tear rolled down her cheek as a thought struck her.
She would have loved to see him like that while he was alive, relaxed, but he wasn't. He was dead and it was because of her. Two more tears escaped her as she reached a shaky hand out and gently placed it upon his warm cheek. His eyes closed as his image flickered and slowly faded. A sob escaped her as he faded, her hand left embracing nothing but air.
//I woke up today
Woke up wide awake
In an empty bed
Staring at an empty room
I have myself to blame//
The spell was fading with each moment, she could feel it. Either that or her power was returning. She really didn't care either way, this was her chance to escape. The images of the two Sesshoumaru's were haunting her, both of them standing before her before they melded into one. Then all of the colors melted from their respective places and began to swirl together in a whirlpool of confusing colors that slowly blended to make a pitch black.
With a sharp cry, Kagome jolted out of her sleep, falling from the comforting branches of the goshinboku. Sango and Miroku, who had been lounging at the base of the tree, both looked up in time to see the graceless pheonix falling through the branches of the tree and move. With a thud, Kagome landed on her feet in a crouching position, her wings spread wide while she steadied herself with her left hand.
Slowly, she rose, pushing her shaggy bangs out of her eyes to glare her friends in the eye. Nervously they looked at each other before turning to look back at Kagome. They all stood there for a moment staring at eachother before Kagome quickly turned away from them, walking away. Silent tears were streaming down her face. They had died because of her, Sesshoumaru had died because of her. If she stayed, they would die again.
With each step she took away from them, a little bit of her heart died, but this was something that she had to do. It was several hours of walking before she noticed the presence keeping silent vigil by her side. Stopping, she turned to her little sister, before sobbing and falling into her. Her arms wrapped around the small girl's frame as she shook with the force of her emotions.
"It's all my fault," was the only coherent thing Rin could get out of Kagome for a very long time.
//For the state I'm in today
And now dying
Doesn't seem so cruel
And oh, I don't know what to say
And I don't know anyway
Anymore//
"Rin knows not why you cry sister, but Rin knows it's not your fault."
"But it is my fault, Rin! It is! If I had been stronger and faster, he would still be with us. He would still be here with me. I loved him damnit! I still do, and I never got the chance to tell him!"
"Everything happens for a reason, May- Kagome. Rin is sure we will meet him again, either in this life or the next."
"I hope you're right, Rin."
//I hate myself for losing you
I'm seeing it all so clear
I hate myself for losing you//
Clouds had gathered without them knowing. Large ominous black monstrocities lay looming over their unsuspecting heads. A loud peel of thunder sounded as the first tears of the dark skies fell, causing the girls to jump in surprise. Both of them looked up at the sky as the rain began to fall. Large fat drops hit the earth one after the other, coming in a fast torrent that only served to place a further damper on their moods.
After staring at the steel gray clouds for a moment, both girls scrambled to their feet. And began to run, looking for shelter. The already quickly forming puddles splashed under their feet, as their were soaked to their skin. Finally they reached the spring that had the waterfall with the hidden cave that Kagome had been chased to by Inuyasha so long ago. Quickly Rin ran to the shelter of the hidden cave, while Kagome stopped and looked at her distorted reflection in the rippling waters of the spring.
//What do you do when you look in the mirror
And staring at you is why he's not here?//
She stayed staring at her reflection for several moments, an eternity almost to her tormented soul. Unbidden tears gathered and overflowed to mingle with the tears of the weeping earth. She stayed like that until she was startled out of her thoughts by here little sister, who had poked her head out of the cave through the water. Looking up with dead eyes, she motioned for her sister to go back inside the cave. When she did so, Kagome slowly lowered herself upon an outcropping rock that over looked the water of the spring and stayed like that, studying her reflection in the water.
Though it was distorted from the pattering drops of rain hitting the once smooth surface of the spring, she could still see her reflection. It was something she had come to hate. She could no longer stand to look at herself, to face the reason for the death of so many that she held dear. True, she had revived Sango and Miroku, but they had still died because of her no less. And then there were the others, Shippou, Kirara, Inuyasha and lastly Sesshoumaru, who she couldn't save. Their blood lingered on her hands, just as if she had killed them with her own claws. She had a power greater than theirs and yet it was all for naught. She could not save them.
Lightning streaked across the sky, striking the water just in front of her, striking her distorted reflection. Steam rose from the electrified water and the rain slowed to a light drizzle and then stopped. Before her lay her complete and unobstructed reflection and what she saw she hated. So many deaths lay upon her shoulders, first for breaking the Shikon no Tama and then for not being strong enough to kill her foe. So much blood had been washed over her hands, that she had lost count of who she had killed directly and who she did not. Either way, the blame for so many deaths lay upon her solely. However, what shamed her more than the fact that she had so much blood upon her hands, was the fact that none of it mattered saved the blood of one.
//It's killing me
Inside, and
Now I dread each day
Knowing that I can't be saved//
More and more of her heart wilted and died with her thoughts. She had no way to stop them as they pushed her on the downward spiral to oblivion. For hours she had been sitting there, staring out at nothing now. Her reflection had long since dimmed and faded with the coming of the night. Slowly her eyelids began to droop and fall closed and her body began to lean forward. So lost was she that she did not realize that she was falling asleep until she had pitched headlong into the cool waters of the spring and was rudely shocked away by the intrusion of water in her unsuspecting nose. Quickly gathering her wits, she propelled herself up, out of the water and landed on the bank of the spring, coughing and sputtering for air.
Her heart beat wildly in her chest as she realized that she could have just ended it all right there and then. Fear struck her with those thoughts, fear and confusion. When had she become so lost that she would contemplate leaving her sister alone in the world? When had she buried herself so deeply in her dispair that she would end her life? This wasn't like her at all. She was stronger than that... wasn't she?
Growling under her breath, something that she had picked up from a couple of inu youkai, she entered the cave in which her sister resided and found her asleep. With a sigh, she curled up upon the cold stone floor and fell asleep quickly. Ghosts of the past and present haunted her dreams that night, causing her to toss and turn, crying out for the one person who had not visited her in her dreams.
//From the loneliness
Of living without you
And, oh
I don't know what to do
Not sure that I'll pull through
I wish you knew//
Morning came swiftly upon the duo rousing the younger of the two out of a light troubled sleep to the sound of her older sister shrieking in agony. Rushing to her side, she began shaking her, trying to rouse her from whatever nightmare tormented her sister. Kagome's hands reached up to clutch her head, her claws digging slightly into her scalp, causing little red streams to flow down the sides of her head.
Desperately, Rin tried to restrain her sister before she seriously injured herself. Just as her tiny clawed hands reached out to grab her sister's hands, a wave of black energy, knocking the poor girl into a wall of the cave.
"Get out!" Kagome screamed as she shot up straight, her eyes opening to reveal pitch black orbs. She sat there for several moments afterwards as her eyes slowly returned to normal, panting from the exertion of pushing whatever had been in her head out. Frantically, Kagome looked around, searching for some unknown beast that haunted her alone.
With a sharp gasp she noticed her little sister's crumbled form lieing in the corner of the cave. Rushing to her side, she noticed her labored breathing and the blue veins that were making themselves apparent just below the surface of her near transparent skin. Tears gathered in her eyes as she began shaking Rin, trying to wake her up.
“Rin! Rin! Please wake up! Please don’t leave me!” she cried as she shook her sister with more fervor. After a few more moments of this abuse, the young phoenix slowly opened pure pale yellow eyes for her sister to see she was indeed alive. The glow in her eyes quickly spread from there to her sallow skin, healing everything in its path. After several moments, the glow receded and the girl slowly sat up, rubbing the back of her head.
“Damn, Mayoke, that hurt,” Rin murmured just before her eyes rolled to the back of her head and she dropped.
“Sesshoumaru left you with Jaken too much, little sister,” Kagome sighed as she gently gathered up her sister and began to long trek back to the village with nothing but her thoughts to keep her company.
//I hate myself for losing you
I'm seeing it all so clear
I hate myself for losing you
What do you do when you look in the mirror
And staring at you is why he's not here?//
“Sesshoumaru,” she whispered, as a single tear rolled down her cheek.
//What do you say when everything's said?
Is the reason why he left you in the end?
How do you cry when every tear you shed
Won't ever bring him back again?
I hate myself for loving you//