InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Forever a Shadow ❯ Direction of Love ( Chapter 17 )

17. Direction of Love

 

 

There was a time when his pride allowed certain liberties, when he could lay aside the woman passively happy, the woman who now became as an enigma. Was he to throw a life lived in simplicity with his love and children, or to find him in the faithless arms of a succubus who had become the beacon of mans downfall? His downfall. The lazy weekends they walked along the beach hand in hand when he could almost forget his real life looking into her eyes. Two loves going in two very different directions. Cut through those happy days blighted by darker shadows of actions past. Or could he take the moonlit path walking with his Kikyo and the family he wanted with all of his heart. These were the days of happiness on the road they once traveled. Inuyasha's exhaustion induced sleep drug him deeper into the essence of his subconscious.

 

 

There were the fleeting memories of the more contented time that plagued his uncomfortable dreaming. The call of ill-gotten desire to lead one astray from the call of “vows” with the voices of his children pulling his torn soul toward hearth and home. Shattered were all feelings of this heart to be happy in one moment. His minds eye played out the moment of Kikyo's awakening. The words spoken, and the things he should have said.

 

 

“We need to talk.” The languid smile on her pale lips making him wonder.

 

 

“Where did I go so wrong? I have loved you all my life. I can't live without you.”

 

 

He feels all alone, her voice tells it all, he wonders why he has tried at all; his vision like dream reminds him of the sleepless vigil he has held at her side. Kikyo sleeps; he hopes she can hear his prayers for the bitterness to end. After it all Inuyasha doesn't believe he has the will to say “goodbye”.

 

 

Inuyasha's eyes are not the same; they have lost the luster they once had. “How could I let it all go so wrong, how did I fall so far?” He had become an angel damned with wings clipped yearning to fly once again.

 

 

Why did he throw away the best friend to his heart? Why did he allow the innocence that was once burning in Kikyo's eyes to be snuffed out by his own hand?

 

 

Inuyasha awoke on his knees, his cheeks wet with tears, his body hunched upon the burgundy carpeted stairs, he lifted his head gasping as the crucifix caught his gaze, the tears again burning hot trails down his face.

 

 

“How do I save my life in her eyes? I didn't mean for it all to go so wrong.” Inuyasha felt ashamed, some how in his vigil to find solitude he ended up in the chapel, never in his life was he a religious man but now he felt compelled to ask for absolution. Then again a sinner always repents in their final hours on earth.

 

 

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Kagome was up well before her brother and Shippo after their dinner they all returned to Sota's place and the boys kindly saying goodnight to her then they were off hitting the pubs down the block. Since Kagome really didn't sleep she guessed they made it in around three in the morning singing the bar ditties that they learned from the more experienced drinkers. When she closed her eyes all she could see was Inuyasha, the voice within her head was that of Inuyasha, she wondered if she would ever sleep again? So she lay in the darkness longing for his embrace, keenly remembering the feel of his skin against hers, and the woodsy smell that seemed to permeate his skin, she loved his scent. How she ached for Inuyasha, she found herself softly weeping whispering out his name to the blanketing darkness of the room, but Kagome's dreams of him would never be enough. Inuyasha was supposed to live the new life of a penitent man, groveling on his knees for his wife's forgiveness that would probably never come, so let him come to her, it was only pipe dreaming, Inuyasha would never abandon his wife and family, and Kagome knew it all to well. She would get by, she would somehow get through this unbearable chapter in her life; there was no escape from it, she could keep running till the ends of the earth and never outrun the feelings for Inuyasha. So she would let time unfold, well knowing that Inuyasha must think of her too, Kagome hoped that she would never become an empty place in his heart, and for the moment she would have to be happy with the memory of his embrace.

 

 

It was going on one in the morning at home, yet here she was watching London awaken. Kagome wandered the streets of the London market place as the dreary morning fog began to lift; the smell of the incoming fresh seafood was overly nauseating. Ever since she discovered she was pregnant Kagome found herself easily nauseous, and easily crying, she was doing the later once again, quickly her feet led her out of the offensive smells of the fish market and she was oh so thankful when she came across a bakery, that smell she could definitely deal with. The strong aroma was some how comforting, yet the tears still fell. Kagome persistently muttered to herself to “calm down”, luckily the people around her were too wrapped up in their own lives to worry about a mentally stressed woman with tears wetting her face. She realized that she had become a walking apology, which was all she wished to do was beg Inuyasha for forgiveness for hurting him with Kouga, but she needed to make an apology to her affianced as well. The soul with in her was twisting into a knot of regret, the things she should have told him, Inuyasha disserved to know that he could be a father, there was a time when all she needed was for him to take her by the hand and she would blindly follow him—the folly of her ways. Unfortunately there was no lie or truth that could smooth out this situation, her life was in turmoil and she was habitually to blame. Kagome should have seen things his way, no she should have seen things through the eyes of his wife, but the actions of the past spoke for themselves. The urge to find a phone and call Inuyasha was nearly unbearable, but Kagome reined in the emotion quickly, calling him would change nothing. The thin possibility still gnawed at her that the child could be Kouga's, but in all honesty the reality being that Kagome was concealing Inuyasha's child, an heir, what would be the consequences when her life was turned askew because of this. No one would ever see things her way, how could anyone side with a mistress, so she would continue to love Inuyasha her way, in secret from the shadows.

 

 

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Kikyo fitfully slept, once again dreaming of her devious husband, there was a resolve in her heart to put Inuyasha through a living hell, she knew that feeling was just. Even in her dreams she found herself frantic, how was she supposed to calm down, how could she stay on the path that would leave her alone? The hearts that beat in both Inuyashas and her own chest would no doubt clash and be devastated, the bitter truth he had betrayed. Inuyasha had let a snake in the garden of their marriage, and Kikyo knew she could never see things the serpents' way; all she could do was crush it under foot. He did it all, Inuyasha was responsible for everything, and Inuyasha was the one who caused their world to turn to anguish. Maybe there was something she should have done? Was she spending too much time at work, was she neglecting him to the point where he felt as if he had to stray? No, Kikyo fitfully tossed tearing the I.V. line, the sting drilling into her subconscious. It wasn't her fault, never in her adult life did she love someone as deeply and completely as she loved Inuyasha, no matter how much her shaken psyche wanted to share in the blame she simply could not, her daughters deserved better, and Kikyo would be damned to cause any more unneeded pain to those girls with a mentally cracked Mother. Damn his guilt, damn her own missed placed remorse, it was he who caused all this pain, Inuyasha ruefully telling her “I love you” those words could never be the same.

 

 

“I hate you!” The burning in her forearm finally drove Kikyo to awaken; she sat up barely able to manifest the words with bruised vocal cords, the blood drenched sheet balled up into her tightly closed fists.

 

“Mrs. Chinkara, you need to stay down, your incision will open.” Ayame promptly eased Kikyo back down. “Bad dream?” The astute caregiver trying to keep Kikyo's attention on her, rather than the puncture in her arm trickling blood to the stark white of the sheets. “God I get the most horrible dreams sometimes in this ward.”

 

 

Kikyo blinked away the fog of sleep the clarity of arousing so suddenly was slow coming. “Yes…yes, I've had nothing but disturbing dreams.” Kikyo's voice had faltered to a whisper.

 

 

“I can page Dr. Ruben for you.” Ayame met Kikyo's dark eyes; in the dim light they appeared nearly black. “He's great to talk to.”

 

 

“I don't need a psychiatrist, I need a lawyer. I've had my share of being psychoanalyzed thank you very much. I was a nurse once, guess maybe I still am. Went back to school, specialized in burn victims, was close to getting my PhD, you think ICU is bad…” Kikyo's eyes glazed over.

 

 

Ayame inspected the wound briefly, and then flicked on the overhead florescent. “Sorry sweetie, no Band-Aid is going to close this, you put about a quarter inch tear here, you yanked that catheter clean out. I'm going to have to put a little stitch in okay?”

 

 

Squinting from the sudden brightness Kikyo simply nodded. Ayame was concerned for her patient; she seemed to be getting more despondent as the hours dragged on.

 

 

“So a burn unit? Tell me about that, it'll keep your mind off of this, but Ill try and get it done quickly.” Ayame sidestepped to the cabinetry above the sink, finding what she needed she turned back to Kikyo all smiles. “Being in a burn unit sounds fascinating.”

 

 

“More like heartbreaking, torturous, but at times, it had its happy moments. It just seemed that the good memories were constantly overshadowed by the horrific, especially when it came to the children.” Kikyo turned her paled face to look at Ayame. “I suppose you have your share of children up here as well…” Kikyo's eyes welled with tears. “my girls.”

 

 

“Now don't do that honey, your babies will be just fine, there strong like their Momma, and as I can tell stubborn as their Father. At this moment your Karisuma is making me crazy to get out of her bed, that one is a handful.”

 

 

Kikyo's tears trailed down her cheeks. “Just like Inuyasha.”

 

 

“Alright stop worrying about your little ones, tell me about your life before the hanyou.” Ayame had already finished stitching Kikyo's arm; the youkai doused the large glaring lights and pulled up a chair to Kikyo's bedside. “Any memorable patients that had happy endings?”

 

 

“Why do you care? Aren't you supposed to be looking after all of us in ICU?” Kikyo raised the bed to slightly sitting up.

 

 

“Okay, one, I care because you are my responsibility, not to mention your brother- in-law would probably kill me if I did something stupid, and two, there are three of us for the three of you, `round the clock. Again your brother-in-law is paying through the nose for overtime, and I'm making a killing being youkai and all.” Ayame smiled broadly revealing fangs in the dim light.

 

 

“There were countless cases, with memorable people, there was one though that I always wonder about what happened to him. He was all alone, never a visitor, so I took it upon myself to be his friend, yet somehow the man out of desperation I guess, mistook my companionship as something more.” Kikyo lost herself in thought as Ayame readied herself for a lengthy night.

 

 

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“Sesshomaru, sir, I did as told and waited, like you said, and it appears there is another player in this.” A tall young man in a black suit, the black tie accented against the absolute white of his shirt, his hair neatly pulled back in a ponytail at the base of his neck, Sesshomaru nearly laughed as his aid appeared to just walk out of the set of Reservoir Dogs. His footsteps were nearly silent, a feat near impossible for a human walking on tile, but then again the young mans skills were why he was hired.

 

 

The InuTaisho was done watching his brother chastise himself in the chapel from the door any way. Sesshomaru motioned the young man further down the hall, following seconds later. “Tell me.”

 

 

Sesshomaru's expressionless face unnerved to youth as it always had, yet again his sister attained this job for him and he did his job well, bowing in respect the man kept his eye contact to a minimum. “It was as you predicted sir, we had Ms. Higurashi's car taken the moment the police scanners picked up that her home had been vandalized, the car is now in the previously disclosed location, your people are going over it with a fine tooth comb. I waited as instructed, less than five minutes after the vehicle was gone two youkai showed up, one carrying the keys to the young woman's car.”

 

 

“Did you recognize them?” Sesshomaru now had a deep scowl across his face, he ran a hand through his hair; I knew it, they're still trying to go after my brother.

 

 

The scowl intimidated the man, but his face did not show a hint of his anxiety. “Yes sir, I can say with all certainty that they were members of the wolf clan. I have photos, they can be used for identification.”

 

 

“No, I know who they are, I familiar with all the clans that are in my territory. Good job, any more leads on where our little harlot disappeared too? If her intended is trying so hard to pull my family into a scandal then I sure as hell will hold all of the cards including the Higurashi woman. You will find her, and promptly, before the pack does. Do you understand?” Sesshomaru glanced back toward the open chapel door. “You must find her.”

 

 

“It will be done sir.” The man bowed again, turning to take his leave.

 

 

“I am depending on you Kohaku.” Sesshomaru watched him silently move down the hallway. Turning back to the chapel, Sesshomaru sighed and strode in, standing behind the crumpled form of his brother. “Get up. Time for you to act like the son of the great Inuyoukai, and stop wallowing in your own self pity, I am done with that. Time for you to begin cleaning up your mess Inuyasha.”

 

 

Inuyasha pulled himself to his feet, still uncertain just how he ended up kneeling before the crucifix. The tone in Sesshomaru's voice meant business, and his brother was completely right, he had done enough feeling sorry for himself.

 

 

“What do you want me to do?” Inuyasha raked his claws through his hair, taking in a deep breath.

 

“Your mistress is missing.” Sesshomaru impassively spoke, watching the immediate change on Inuyasha's face, from shock to horror in a split second. “Thought you might feel that way.”