InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Forever Pain ❯ Chapter 14~Whats Wrong With Me? ( Chapter 15 )

Forever Pain By Mija

Disclaimer~Do not own Inuyasha and Company.

Chapter 14~Whats Wrong With Me?

~~~Kagome was back at Kyoto's penthouse suit, in her borrowed room on her borrowed bed, and she was depressed. Whats wrong with me? She thought as she sat in the middle of the huge bed with her legs drawn up to her chest and her arms wrapped around them, her head resting on the top of her knees. She thought back to just an hour ago when Inuyasha had brought her back. The dinner had been wonderfull. The food had been great, the out door table and scenery breathtaking, and the company comfortable. She and Inuyasha had actually had a civilized conversation. He was nice and witty and when he laughed he looked very sweet and handsome.

~~~They hadnt talked about anything important, the discussions were easy and light and mostly of funny little stories from his childhood or travels, she talked about the few fun times she remembered growing up, trouble she and Rin got into, but just harmless fun things, nothing at all serious. She didnt want him to know of her pathetic history, and in all truths when she was with him then, she hadnt thought of any of the bad things in her life.

~~~Inuyasha's aunt Kaede had come out to speak to them. She had been old, but very wise and smart and Kagome had laughed at the way she scolded Inuyasha for his playboy jet setting ways, his lack of any promising wives and perhaps children. Like a mother hen, Kaede had given him a guilt trip and he had fallen for it, which made Kagome smile at how uneasy and little boy like he had looked when being scolded softly by his sweet aunt. It was appearant that she loved him alot and that he loved and respected her just as much. Kaede had treated Kagome just as nice, even sitting with them a bit to talk and tell her of all the trouble Inuyasha, Kyoto and Sesshoumaru had gotten into when kids. This had made Inuyasha blush ten shades of red and Kagome giggles softly.

~~~As Kagome had said, the night had been comfortable and almost perfect. After dinner they had driven down to a park and just sat there and talked more. There was non of the tension she had always felt around him, and he didnt seem to be pushing her into anything but friendly conversation. They had then gone out and gotten some ice cream, walked down the street as they ate it and then it had been time to go back. They had parted at Kyoto's door with Inuyasha kissing her lightly and chastley on the cheek as she said thanks and goodnight, which she returned.

~~~The night had been one of the nicest and most relaxing nights she had felt in a very long time. So why was she so depressed now? What was wrong with her? She should of been happy and content right now, but she wasnt. She was depressed. She couldnt understand it really. A part of her had felt guilty for having such a quiet and good time. But she noticed that the few times she did, she always felt sad afterwards, as if she were guilty that she had had such a good time. Part of her didnt feel as if she deserved it. A part of her wondered when the next shoe so to speak would fall, because everytime something good in her life happened, something bad always followed. It was like she was cursed. Like fate did not want her to enjoy a moment of happiness and if she did, she was given moments of distress to balance out or punish her for the brief glimpse of happiness she had been graced with.

~~~It was like she had to be reminded over and over again that she was not meant to be happy. That she would never find love or contentment. Kagome knew all of this was pretty much a load of garbage. No one had it out for her, well not the fates or the Gods, but she couldnt help feel like they did. Maybe because she expected things to go wrong they always did. She truelly believed that part of her subconsciencely sabatoged herself, her happiness, but if she did then how did one stop doing that? Why was it so hard for her to just accept something good happening with out wondering when the bad things would come back?

~~~Kagome looked at her arms and could faintly see the tiny almost non existant white marks she had on her left arm. Once a long time ago she had done the cutting thing. Oh she was a wimp to be sure, she had not tried to kill herself, like her sister Rin had accussed. No, she had just felt so awfull and ached inside with something she couldnt identify. It had first started not long after the whole Kouga inncedent. She had taken a piece of a broken mirror she had broken while looking at her reflection, which disgusted her, and started to carve little thin line's into the skin of her fore arm. They had not been deep, she was still a wimp she supposed, but she wasnt trying to bleed to death or kill herself. She just wanted the pain inside her soul to stop. She hadnt known how to fix it, how to make it go away and that confussed her alot. So instead of trying to chase the pain within her away, she inflicted pain without her and concentrated on that. At least with the cuts, she knew what caused the pain, she knew how to stop it, and she knew it would go away, unlike the ache in her soul.

~~~She had only ever done the cutting thing 3 times. Only when the ache inside had been too great, again they hadnt been really deep cuts, more like deep scratches. But the last time her sister had seen them and the look Rin had given her and the accusations she had cried at her had driven a spike threw Kagome's heart. She had never done it again. She was lucky she supposed. Alot of people who did do the cutting thing, did alot worse damage to themselves and found it hard if ever to quit. She had been lucky to stop herself before it got to bad. Again it was probably cause she was weak. She had always been weak. She had been weak as a child, unable to stop her father from hurting her mother or Rin, or herself. She had been to weak to stop Kouga from taking her, and had been weak in staying with Hojo for as long as she had before finally leaving, and even that was not enough. He still hurt her, he still plaqued her life and wondered if he would ever go away.

~~~What was the use really? When Hojo finally did go away, there would be someone else to take up where he left off she was sure. Nothing ever came easy, and relationships definitly were not one of them. It was funny she thought. After all the things she had been through one would thing she would detest men and stop seeking for a love she would never have. But again she was weak, and stupid. She still believed in true love, even if she didnt believe it for herself. She still dreamed of finding that special someone who would chase away all the emptiness and darkness in her life. The special someone who would love her even with all her faults and never hurt her in body or soul. She knew it was just a fantasy, but she held onto it. She wanted it badly and she prayed every night to find it. So far it eluded her, but still she hoped, which only made her sad when she thought of never having it.

~~~She guessed thats why she felt depressed now. She had had a nice time with a man. Ok so it was Inuyasha, he was crude, rude, and foul tempered, and she was certainly not attracted to him in anyway. So what if he was drop dead gorgeous? Men like that didnt want damaged goods like her, or all the baggage she still carried with her. But even if by some chance Inuyasha or anyone like him was intrested in her, she could not, would not allow herself to get into a relationship with a person like him. Heck look what happened with Hojo? He had been perfect. He had been sweet, attentive, and romantic, everything she had ever dreamed of, till his true side finally emerged and she saw him for the monster he was. Can you imagine what sort of things Inuyasha would do with his temper and foul mouth? She shuddered at the idea. She didnt want to be hurt physically by any man again, or emotionally. Sometimes the emotional scars where alot harder to get rid of, if ever, than the physical ones.

~~~But sadly, if only to herself, she was attracted to that loud mouthed jerk. Why? How could she be? Was she looking for pain? Was she a masocist? What was it about her that drew those sort of men to her? Did she look for them? It was all so confussing and depressing to her. Yes. She liked Inuyasha. She liked the verbal sparing they did. She liked his humor and his wit. And not to mention he had a body a girl could drool at for hours, and a face that could crush a thousand hearts. Why did she do this to herself? Why did she want what she couldnt have? And why did she even want something that would no doubt bring her pain in someway? Kagome knew Kyoto said Inu was a good guy, even with his temper and mouth. But seriously? Could Kagome trust the word of his own sister? In her eyes he could probably do no wrong. And maybe she didnt know how he treated his women int he privacy of his own room. For all Kyoto knew, Inuyasha could be the biggest woman hating, female beating creep on this planet. Sighing Kagome finally layed down in a little ball, fetal positon. She was drained, emotionally. Even after all the things she had just went over in her head, she couldnt stop thinking about Inuyasha and wondering if she was totally wrong about him. I mean it wasnt like he hid his temper and it never seemed to be really bad or anything. Maybe he wasnt a bad guy. But did it matter? She wasnt meant to be happy or loved, and Inuyasha would definitly never want anything to do with someone like her.

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~~~Inuyasha sat in his office, watching the video screens in his office, well one actually. He had bid Kagome goodnight at her door then went to his office right after. He couldnt help himself. He had not been ready to end thier date. Ok so Kagome probably didnt think of it as a date, but he did. He had had a good time, and had enjoyed being with her. He had hated it when it ended and all he wanted to do was see her for just a little more. He was surprised when he saw her on her bed though. As he watched her threw the video screen, he could see her sadness, her inner grief and wondered at it. Hadnt she had a good time tonight with him? Had he done something to make her sad? She didnt speak at all while she sat on her bed looking lost and alone, but he could hear her sighs and clearly see her sadness and it broke his heart. For some reason, other than his attraction to her, he wanted badly to take away all her pain. To make sure she never felt an ounce of sadness in her life again. She deserved to be happy. And he wanted so badly to make sure he gave it to her. But how? Well first thing tomorrow for starters he was taking the damn video out of the penthouse suit. He needed to give respect to his sister and Kagome rights to privacy, and the guilt of him peeking on her did not sit well with Inuyasha. Kagome didnt deserve that sort of betrayal. Niether did his sister.

A/N~Okies heres the next chap..sorry its late and sorry its short. And before anyone gets the wrong idea..let me just say that I added this in here because as I said, in this fic Kagome's emotions are what mine once were and yes at the happy times in my life I still felt terribley depressed, still do but getting over that..lol..anyhow I thought it would be good to add that part in here..and also Inu's thoughts as well. Anyhow sorry it was late and hope its not to boring, will try to update more often. Let me know what you all think k?? ty ty ty huggles and smiles Mija..:-)