InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Forgiven's Not Forgotten ❯ Embers Brought to Life ( Chapter 5 )

Forgiven's Not Forgotten - Embers Brought To Life

Of course, if I want to see a sunrise, I had better wait until morning.

For now, the only light is the fire that someone has built, the orange and yellow flame within the circle of stones. I hear voices, those of my companions. I am trying to make out what they say, though the effort is taxing me.

". . . Couldn't have been there for more than half an hour." Ah, that must be Inuyasha speaking.

"Yet how do you explain the time difference? Inuyasha, it's been a week since she left, but only half an hour for her?" Is that Sango? What does she mean time difference?

"I don't know exterminator." This is beginning to sound like one of those bad bootlegs some of my friends are prone to buying.

"I'm most worried about the sudden appearance of that bruise. It's gotten worse."

"Why the hell didn't you tell me about this sooner?" Inuyasha doesn't sound all that pleased.

So I decide to speak before anyone else. "Probably because you wouldn't have listened." He turns toward me, I think. "Because you NEVER listen when it's important."

Everyone is speechless. For the moment.

"WHAT?"

I sit myself up, feeling an ember of anger flare to life inside of my soul. "You heard me."

Miroku is making a placating gesture with his hands, while Sango is eyeing me speculatively. "Now, Kagome-san, was that really called for?"

I don't want to hear anything from Miroku. "Shut up, houshi."

I wonder at my own energy. A moment previous, opening my eyes was a torture. "Just shut the hell up." I struggle out of the confines of the blankets I am under, in a way that would have been humorous under different circumstances. No one is laughing right now.

Finally I am free, and so now I stand. There is still blood on my clothing, dried but blood nonetheless. My hair feels frazzled, and I am relatively sure it looks like I just crawled out of hell.

With the images rolling through my mind, I might as well have.

Several sets of eyes are looking at me in shock, one golden pair slowly turning toward anger. Let them, some animalistic part of my mind is saying; Let us see what he will do.

No doubt this will be interesting, but I feel as if there is some caged bird inside my body, fighting to get out. To cut loose. I feel as if I must surrender to this bird's wing beats, their tattoo as steady as my heart beat. As steady as the sun.

Yet that isn't true.

The sun is never steady. Each night it dives behind the world we live in, to run away from those problems better handled at night. Like a coward.

Like the coward I am.

Odd, isn't it, how the courage that failed me in other times supports me now. So very, very odd.

Inuyasha stands at the fireside, slowly moving toward me as if he is afraid that I might run. Mayhap I should, but in the end the effort will be futile.

After all, I am human.

"Kagome," Inuyasha begins, his voice calm and controlled, belying the anger that I can sense he holds within, "Kagome, your family is gone."

Miroku and Sango both look at Inuyasha in shock, Sango immediately moving her gaze to my face. I don't want to meet her eyes; instead, I hold Inuyasha's gaze now with my own. "I know. They're dead. And they'll stay that way."

Is this really my voice that speaks in such burning condensation? It must be, seeing as how none other has spoken.

So I feel no surprise as I register the unhidden anger in Inuyasha's eyes, now knowing that I am correct in my suppositions. Only too correct.

"There's nothing you can do for them now Kagome." The hanyou has taken another step toward me, closing the gap. I refuse to back down.

"Over time, Inuyasha, I grew to learn you were an idiot. Only now do I realize just how much of an idiot you really are."

Anger finally consumes his gaze as he gives up the act of supplication and lunges toward me. Did he expect me to move? Apparently, as his mistaken tackle drags us both to the ground.

Cynical, sarcastic humor takes hold of me. "Oh, is it a roll in the hay you want, Inuyasha? I'm so sorry to disappoint, but Kikyou would be so much more suited for you."

He growls violently as he pins my shoulders to the ground. I will not bother flinching. I doubt he will notice right now, much less care. Sango and Miroku are warily watching from the fireside, ready to come to my rescue in an instant, I suppose. "Kikyou is dead, bitch!"

My eyes are narrowing in anger as I aim my invisible dagger at the hanyou's heart. "She's been brought back once, should another time be so hard?"

Inuyasha flinches. I know that the meaning behind my words has hit home, but he apparently has seen many more than what I intended with that statement. "That won't work on them, Kagome."

Ah. So he has thought I mean my family. Interesting, but how wrong he is. "I would never wish such a baneful existence on anyone I love, hanyou. Never."

Interesting, also, his reaction to these simple words.

I've never seen such a lack of expression on Inuyasha's face before. Then again, there isn't that much to see.

Not to mention, I've never been quite so bodily handled by him before. While I am tossed casually over his shoulder the hanyou is speaking calmly to Miroku and Sango. "We'll be back in the morning. Be prepared to leave."

I have always enjoyed sitting backward in my seat in the car, watching everything pull away behind us in our own secure little world. Seeing what others have seen, never knowing what is coming next. There's almost a thrill in that sensation.

Even now, as the hanyou I've thrown my heart to just to be trampled on, torn up, even now I feel this same sensation, watching as for some absurd reason the pinpoint of light from the fire fading so slowly.

Almost does the fire I feel within me simmer down, almost but not quite.

And as the forest passes around us, I begin to contemplate my own emotional turmoil as the leaps and bounds that should have been jerky are misleadingly gentle while full of grace.

If someone were to be watching Inuyasha, that is. I really just get a nice view of the forest and his hair.

This fuels the anger that has been building inside, this and the limited amount of movement I am allowed. Yet it isn't only anger I am feeling, no, it can't be that simple and straightforward. Intermingled with this anger is grief, the bitterest of all, grief, guilt, and hopelessness.

In contradiction, perhaps, is the same hope I feel. To triumph, perhaps to eliminate the future threat in the past. I can't say for sure how this effects anything in my time, how my stepping on that blade of grass earlier effects the future of the planet. If this is destiny I play out, or if it is free will after a goodly amount of time. If I have already acted, and the future is set in stone, or if the future is water fitting to the container that I shape in part in the past.

With that hope is also a longing, an absolve, the will to protect and heal. My friends, they are also in my heart, lending me my own love. Love that is hurting oh so much from the recent grief, love that is staggering under a burden too great for its fragile shoulders. Love that needs the help of courage to go on, the aid of comprehension to stand, the hands of desire in all forms to carry on.

I notice that Inuyasha has stopped, though I haven't heard him speak. He still doesn't as he places my feet on the ground, lifting me from his shoulder to force me to meet his eyes once more.

The expression of muted hurt, anger, and confusion is masked in part by the need to assure himself I was there; I was all right. He'd be disappointed to know that I could so easily read him.

After all, he had always guarded himself so carefully.

I am not really listening to what he says; my inner turmoil is still too great. Yet one word, one name breaks through to me. Naraku.

All that inner turmoil I had been experiencing stops. Inside, everything has frozen over, ice cold. Then a single emotion comes to the surface, an ember even hotter than the one that had set me off earlier. Flames melt the ice, burning the other emotions up with them, consuming my body.

Inuyasha must have seen the change in my eyes.

"Kagome?"

I growl, imitating the man I love and, I realize, live for at the moment. "I am going to kill Naraku!"

There is vehemence in my voice that clearly surprises Inuyasha, though I believe he thinks I don't notice this. How wrong this belief is, how arrogant. I can almost smell the surprise on him.

And I tell him as much. "Why so surprised, Inuyasha? You saw what he did to my family."

I will kindly leave out the fact he hadn't seen exactly what had happened, but he had certainly seen and smelt the result. The briefest flash of black blood on cool, unforgiving stone glimmers in my mind, before being enveloped by the bright fire of my fury.

Suspicion flickers through his amber orbs before he responds. "I'm not surprised, Kagome, but this isn't like you." There was an undercurrent of urgency in his tone.

This only fuels my fire further. Violently, I push away from one of the only living friends, no, loves I have right now. Surprisingly enough, I do break free of his grasp on my shoulders.

"How would you know?" Why am I pushing so hard? I don't really care, not right now, though I will later.

But later is not now.

These emotions, or rather these single urges to shred, to tear, to destroy overtakes my common sense. All I want is blood; and the only blood I want is Naraku's.

A few, strangled words pass my lips, so laced with the promise of violence and menace that if I were not the one speaking I'd be flinching away. Yet I am, so as the disinterested participant in my own conversation I could care less. In fact, I can care less.

"You don't know me."

I can no longer hear anything past the blood pounding in my veins, and the red haze that has been enveloping my sight is now worse than any darkness I have ever faced.

I jump as a hand falls onto my shoulder, holding my feet to the ground as yet another imitation of a growl escapes my throat.

Except, this isn't so much an imitation.

It's dangerously close to the real thing.

Slight shock has frozen me. Do I really long for Naraku's end by my hands? Am I that selfish that I would make others forgo the semi-honour of destroying the blasphemous hanyou, just for my own revenge?

Am I that shallow in the remembrance of my family? Blindly murdering the one whom ordered their deaths in a time I never would have believed him to be in?

None of this will bring them back.

Nothing can. . . Can it?

My voice so recently filled with anger is now shaking and infirm. "I-Inuyasha?" His golden eyes meet my own, with something I can only call understanding in their depths. "What's happening to me?" My voice has shrunk to that of a whisper.

"You're grieving." The matter of fact-ness in his voice is somewhat tempered.

Yet he has misunderstood my question.

"No. That's not. . . Not what I mean."

I am stepping back, though his hands still clamp my shoulders. The small space I have just gained gives me a little more perspective. Yet only a little.

It is not enough.

As a child, you learn that everything takes time. Everything that is worthwhile needs a little bit of effort. Through this do we discover.

Suppose that as a child, everything was given, everything had an answer and you never learned, because you never needed to learn. There is no concept of time. And suppose you live among thousands, millions just like you, not knowing of time or its boundaries. Then suppose you were abruptly introduced to time, told to shake Time's hand, grin and bear it.

Time, the euphemism for understanding, has just succeeded in slapping me full across the face. Now I know why, why the little things mean something more, why the littlest details now are brought to my attention. How I know that something small, perhaps a rabbit, was killed in this clearing this morning. How I know that the victim was female, and that she had seven youngsters that had scattered when she stayed behind. How I hear the screech of an owl, far off, as if it were right beside me. How I am changing.

I'll be damned if I let Inuyasha know about this.

So I play the grieving girl, the lost child. Tears, real enough but for a completely different loss, trail down my cheeks. I thought I had no more tears to cry. Sometimes, I am so mistaken. "Maybe you're right, Inuyasha." I can almost hear his ego swelling at this. "Maybe I am grieving."

I stop myself, barely, from flinching as he moves forward, feet crunching on the forest floor. Now that I know what I'm looking for, everything seems to be even more sensitive. I wonder how Inuyasha handles this.

Probably instinct.

One up for him, then, but I'm in no competition right now. As I feel his arms encompass my shoulders, I understand what exactly I am in.

I'm in business.

The business of elimination.

It's now my job to kill.

Right. Well, now that I've gotten over myself, I should really examine my motives. Most prominently, the complete and total extermination of a certain youkai that has caused havoc in my time.

No. Not my time. Not anymore.

Fine, then, in the future. Innocents whose only crime was being related to me. No one should die for that.

"Kagome."

Damn that name paradox. "Inuyasha?"

His draws me back to see his face once more. In his amber depths, I see something that shouldn't surprise me, but does none the less. He is scared.

No, not `I'm gonna scream' scared, but the scared that can freeze your very soul, leave you helpless and immobile in impending doom.

And I know what his fear is for. Why his eyes are so tired, so lost. It's for me, because even now I'm moving too fast for him to keep up. Maybe I should tell him after all.

"What's happening to you? You're changing, Kagome, and I just can't fucking handle it! I'm sorry about your family, I'm sorry I wasn't there, I'm sorry. What the hell do you want me to say? To do?"

I raise my hand to his lips, silencing him. "For now, I just want you to shut up. Uh-uh," I continue, seeing he wishes to speak, "Your turn to listen." I am taking a deep breath, and now sighing. "I'm sorry. I haven't been myself, and there is no excuse for what I've tried to do." This is rather a lot, for the day I've been back here. "I'm not the first person in the world to lose family, and I won't be the last." Brave words for a coward, but mine either way. For a moment, tears threaten, but that moment is soon in passing.

"You've lost Kikyou, and although there are things about her, about me, I didn't like, I still feel sympathy for you." That word, sympathy, sounds so cruel when I speak it. "Right now we need to concentrate on two things: The retrieval of the remaining Shikon no Kakera, and the defeat of Naraku. Simple enough, ni?"

He is shaking his head in violent negation, grabbing my wrist and forcing my hand away from his face. "No, it's not that simple, Kagome. Naraku's a lot-"

I will admit it, to myself if none other. I don't want to hear anything right now; I have no patients for listening. So I interrupt, and with what cannot be mistaken for anything other than a growl in the back of my throat, I speak. "I have every reason in the world to know of Naraku's power. Every single damned one of them, but you aren't really listening to me, are you Inuyasha? Look, I can understand how losing Kikyou may have hurt you, but that is no reason to be upset with me. I can guess, from how you're acting, that the next thing you'll be telling me is that I should stay away from what we both know will be the final battle. I'm telling you know, Inuyasha, I will not back down, and I will not be put away for safe keeping. I'm changing, Inuyasha."

He snorts derisively, though I can see he is somewhat put off by my statement. In actuality, I believe I have just reminded him of all that will come. He was too focused on me to see beyond, but that is all I have in sight now.

Aside from my friends, it's all I need.

"Kagome, Naraku's a bastard, but he's not the sole reason why everyone died. It's not like-"

"You're right, Inuyasha, it wasn't only his fault, or his copies' fault, or the fault of those he controls. No, Inuyasha, it's the Shikon's fault. Bet you'd agree with that, ni? Ah," I sigh, "But I would as well." I am pausing, thinking of how to next say what I know needs to be said. "Thus, it is my own fault as well."

I swear, as of this moment, I've shocked Inuyasha this one night more than I have in the course of our entire journey. "What. Did. You. Say."

Following his example, I suppose, I'll make my response all the clearer. "I. Am. To. Blame."

Impending explosion: Those who wish to see tomorrow please escape now.

What's the worst that can happen?

I swear I have the most typical last thought-words.

"Kagome. . . "

Like I just thought; nothing much. Just another reference to the paradox that is my name. "I am called that, yes."

"Don't you fucking do this."

Ah. The foul language. What a potty mouth, and the calm of his voice. . . If I were a thrill seeker, I would be having adrenaline highs right now. Although I do anyway. Damn it all.

"I will not listen to one more word of your bullshit. Not one more word." Okay, now if it isn't unpleasant enough as is, he now has to shake me in true masculine style as if I need my brains rearranged before anything can penetrate. "Do you understand me?"

Yes, sir, aye-aye, sir, that I do, sir. Sure, it sounds good in my mind, but he'll just react on tone and emotion. So I'll be blunt. "Go fuck yourself, Inuyasha."

. . . Did I really just say that? I have a very bad feeling that didn't go over too well. . .

Nope, not well at all. How he manages to move me so fast I might never know (Then again, I might), but within the second these thoughts pass through my mind I'm pinned to a tree.

Let me say this right now-Trees are not comfortable when their bark is digging into your skin. Especially not when the person holding you against the tree was slightly taller, and more or less stronger.

In fact, it sucks.

"Watch your mouth, girl," he's growling low in his throat.

"What?" I spit back in his face, "Just like you do, hanyou brethren?"

Ah, large stiffening on his part, he must be reaching a conclusion I have found not long before. "What did you say."

No question, only statement. "I know your ears work fine, Inuyasha, you heard me."

His face is in my own now, his breath hot on my over-sensitive skin as he exhales and speaks. "Kagome, what do you mean brethren."

I really shouldn't, but I. . . Am not really feeling like I should resist. "Like I said, Inuyasha, I've been changing. You just didn't know how much of a change it was."

Extra emphasis on the grinding my back into the tree bark. How nice of him. "You lie."

I won't respond, I refuse. Then again, I'm just not in the silent mood. "Call me whatever you like, Inuyasha, but never, never call me a liar." With the last word, I manage to position my hands on his chest and push him away from me. For a moment, the briefest of moments, my inexplicably bruised shoulder resists, and still I can shut away the pain. "Never," I have decided to add, knowing Inuyasha, with his selective hearing, might not have registered that key word.

As I said before, this night was meant to shock. His amber depths are disbelieving, in turmoil. Good. I have him right where I need him. "We leave tomorrow at dawn. There's a village within a mile of here," I have finally been able to assign the annoying scent a name, though still I can very well be mistaken, "With a large fluctuation of power within its confines." On this, I was guessing-I had definitely felt something as I was coming to by the fire, though at the time I thought I was tired, and looking back I know that couldn't be the explanation. Looking back, I see many small pieces fall into place. Looking forward. . . I don't know what I'm seeing, but I suspect half of it is wishful thinking.

"How."

A simple word, one I used not a day before (for me, at least) to learn of Kikyou's demise. How odd, now, that he can turn that same question upon me. "How? How what? How did I know, how did I change, how did you not realize? There are too many how's Inuyasha-Pick one."

"How did you know."

"I don't know."

"Then why the hell did you say anything?"

"I should make myself a bit clearer. I don't know for sure. In fact, I didn't even guess, but now," I pause for a moment, reorganizing my thoughts, "I didn't know, not until tonight, not until I realized. . . The details. Every little detail that I'd just passed off as normal fell in place, once I thought about it. How did I know when you were coming to me at the stream-side that you had battled Naraku? Or one of his? Aside from the obvious, it was the smell. The smell of miasma. I never really cared before, never really took note-I left that to you-But that night. . . Aside from the rustling in the bushes it was the first thing that registered. And with my family. . . I don't care how much fear can increase your awareness, I smelt every last drop of that blood, and even if I had subconsciously buried the truth I knew no one was left alive. Even when I threw the knife-"

"What knife?" So he picks out the mundane detail and questions it. I sigh.

"The one I threw at the zombie youkai. I think I hit his arm, but I wasn't sure."

"How did you know it was already dead?" A quick question, meant to make me reveal something I might not normally. Ha, ha, Inuyasha, the jokes on you. I'm not holding back right now, not on this. Not after what's happened.

"The smell, it was of decaying flesh. I remember it from somewhere. . . " I search my memory, quickly. "Two weeks ago, at the village. The dead that had been in the streets for a day or two, I remember a much less obvious stench from them."

"Kagome, no human would have been able to smell that if they tried."

"I doubt that, Inuyasha, it's just a matter of how bad you want something. I wanted nothing more than to not know what my nose was telling me. It was almost like I couldn't get used to it. . . " I trail off, sensing that something about Inuyasha's demeanor has changed. I meet his eyes with what I know are my own, human ones, but even now I can sense the small changes going on. Oddly enough, considering scientists believed dogs to have relatively bad vision compared to what humans possessed, I can clearly see detail, though the dark setting brings all color closer to blues and blacks.

And the eyes, the liquid amber eyes. . .

Damn, attention's wandering and he's beginning to speak.

"I believe you."

My turn for shock. I just cannot, will not accept that he has so quickly believed my word. So, I blithely continue. "Even my reaction time's gone up, I've noticed. Not that it helped much back there," I cannot bring myself to name my home, "Though in other ways, it has."

He steps forward, one quick, fluid motion. "I said I believe you."

"And sometimes, I hear things before even you react, though that might just be a resurgence of my miko powers-"

Inuyasha pulls me into his embrace. I am too stunned even to blink. "Kagome, I said I believed you."

Speechless. Utterly speechless. I am, anyway. "B-but why?"

"Thing's I'd noticed, things I'd given little though to. They add up with what you've been saying, Kagome. I'd seen you react more than the others during the burials. I'd just thought you were feeling sick."

I snort in derision. "Squeamish, after all this time? Who the hell do you think you're kidding?"

I feel his chest rumble-For a moment I think he's growling. No, it is only laughter. "Me, Kagome. I'm fooling me."

And for a moment, all is perfect in the world.