InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Got Any Spare Change? ❯ Savin' Me ( Chapter 10 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

Oh my god! I am doing the unthinkable! Wait, is this what I think it is? No, it can't be! Yes, yes it is! It's another chapter! Two updated in a row! Again! And the crowd goes wild! (in the background, a loud chant going "Amanda! Amanda! Amanda!" can be heard. Then someone throws water on me. I wake up.) Damn, why can't any of the good things in life ever be real? Like say if you were having a dream about going out with Brad Pitt, and you "woke up" to find that he left you his phone number or his boxers or something. Wouldn't that just be nice? Anyways, enough of the fantisizing. Back to the story!

A bright light was being shined in his eyes. Naraku groggily swatted at it, but it still remained. "Turn out the damn sun," he mumbled, but wasn't sure that anyone heard him. Then he felt something in his nose. Something dry. And whatever it was, it was starting to cross back and forth between burning and hurting. He opened his eyes all the way and noticed he was back home. Hakudoshi sat on his chest, shining a flash light in his eyes. The burning in his nose was a pencil eraser.

Naraku shot up and smacked the boy across the room into a wall. "Child abuse!" he screamed. "I 'on't geeve a damn" Naraku said, sounding nasally because of the eraser. He reached up there and dug it out, like a professional miner digging for gold. He took a few deep sniffs to clear the eraser smell out. Hakudoshi got up and had started brushing himself off when he heard the phone ring. Though it was right beside Naraku's bed, he got to it first. "Hello, this is the residence of the infamous broke ass Onigumo. Is he here?--" Naraku was trying to signal for him to say he was gone. --"Yes, he's right here. Of course Mr. Sesshomaru." The boy handed the phone to him with an evil smile. "Your boss would like to have a word with you."

Naraku gave a huge sigh, then said, "What is it Sesshomaru?" "Remember your place Onigumo. You are no longer in any position to call me by my first name." Naraku rolled his eyes. "Cut all of the bull crap out. What do you want?" The spider hanyou could hear the dog lord's smirk through the phone. "Come into work today." Naraku blanched. "But today's a Sunday! I have to...to...to go to church!" Sesshomaru roared on the other side. "Church! Ha, you'd fry the moment you stepped on the grounds! Straight to hell with you! Oh boy, that's a good one! You know what, Onigumo? I'ma give you a chance toward religion, not that it matters anyway. I mean, I'm a demon and you're part demon. We were probably condemned to hell the moment we were born. But like I said, I'll give you a chance. I want proof that you've gone to church by 1 o'clock. If you can't produce any evidence of that for me by then, you work for me every Sunday until I say so, got it?"

Naraku had to wonder to himself if it was worth it. It was. "Fine, if it's proof you want, it's proof you'll get. But don't think that--" Sesshomaru hung up on him. "Bastard!" Naraku muttered. He got up and noticed he was wearing nothing but tighty-whities. "Who the hell did this?" "Yozaru," Hakudoshi said, then started cackling and ran out of the room. Naraku slammed the door behind him, but shuddered at the thought anyways.

He came out a few minutes later dressed. Kagura was sitting at the wet bar. Yes, sitting at it. Most people just have a table set up with the liquor on it and pour themselves or a guest a drink then go sit down somewhere else. Not Kagura. She had chair there and wouldn't move it until either the booze ran out, or the bar itself was moved. Neither was likely. In her hand, she had a shot of Vodka. Beside her was a huge glass bottle of gin and beside that was a carton of orange juice. And beside that was a half finished shot of Covosier (I belive it's spelled like that but pronouned "covosiay"). Naraku frowned slightly, then grabbed the Covosier and downed it, then took the shot of Vodka from her and drank it. He make himself a quick glass of gin and juice and that too went down the hatch. Liquored up, he went out the door to "get some religion." (Don't try this at home, kids!)

He walked for a while until he saw just what he was looking for. A church. And not just any church either. This one was more rectangular than he'd thought a church should be, but liked the color of it. Pure white walls. Though he couldn't quite figure out what the name of the church was. He walked up to it, expecting to be incinerated the moment he touched the property. He wasn't, so he went inside.

A few people were already sitting down, but a few more were standing. He decided he would just get a little bit of religion, just enough to not seem rude, then leave, like around the time when offerings started. He walked up to a man who was standing behind a very long white pulpit. "Hello, sir. How may I help you this morning?" Naraku blinked drunkenly at him, then said, "I need some religion." The man looked confused for a moment, then said, "Excuse me?" "I said I need some religion." "Sir, religion isn't something that is just given. It's a faith in a deity."

Naraku stared at him for a moment, then blinked slowly. He produced a five dollar bill from his pocket. "Here's five dollars. I need a five minute sermon." The man looked at him with an even crazier expression. "Sir, you can't buy religion." Naraku blinked again, then leaned forward conspiratorially. "Look buddy, just between me and you, you can do this for me, right? You know, just a few minutes of a sermon, you get paid a few dollars, the world keeps spinning and we're both better people for it. What'dya say?" The man sighed. "Sir, you're at Church's. Not church." Naraku straightened up. "What?" "You're at Church's Chicken, not church. Now would you like to order something or not?"

Naraku blinked again in confusion. "You mean you can't sell me a sermon?" The man gave another heavy sigh. "Sir, nobody can sell you a sermon. There's no black market for the word of God." "Who?" "Never mind. Look, there's a church right across the street. How about you go there to get you some religion and stop wasting my time, hm?" The man turned around and busied himself with something in the kitchen. Naraku shrugged and walked out.

The church that the man was talking about was one of the large Catholic kind. The large bell in the belfry seemed menacing as did the huge windows. "At least they're stained glass," Naraku said to himself. He took one step on the grounds. Once again, nothing. Then again, his first experience with "church" was a fried chicken joint, so that didn't really count. He took another, then another until he was at the front doors. Slowly he opened them, and a blast from the organ about blew him out again. Struggling against the waves, he forced himself inside and down the aisle, looking for a seat. He would never get to sit down.

"Is there anyone who would like to accept Jesus Christ today that already hasn't? Anyone who would like to be re-saved? You there! Yes, you! Quit looking around, I'm talking about you! You have come to accept the Lord Jesus Christ as your personal savior? Well come on up!" Naraku was shaking his head and trying to go back through the door, when two nuns walked up and gently started leading him down the aisle. One of them looked familiar. "Sara? I thought you died?" Sesshomaru's ex-lover looked at him. "I did, but I guess they wern't ready for me yet. First they put me in pergatory for about three hundred years, then I spent like a day or two in hell because I wasn't exactly "saved", and finally they just gave me another chance and let me live again. So, here I am."

By then, Naraku was at the front. The priest came down from the pulpit to stand right in front of him. "Son, have you found Jesus yet?" "I didn't know I was supposed to be looking for him," Naraku said. "And who's Jesus anyway?" The priest pointed behind him where a large picture of Jesus hung. "Oh, him! I always thought that that was just some hippie guy that eveyone idolized because he was some kind of major drug dealer or something and he's the one who made smoking pot seem so cool. Kind of like how 2 Pac is worshiped simply because he died." The church got silent for a long moment.

Then the priest quickly cleared his throat and said, "Well, how about we baptize you, hm? Have you ever been baptized?" "Yeah, my mom tried to about 500 years ago, but I figured that they were trying to drown me, so I hopped out of the tub and ran away." Once again, the room was silent. "Sir, have you ever even heard of Christianity?" "What? They have a title for people who worship that guy?" Naraku pointed to the picture. "Damn, maybe I should start going to church. Besides, I heard that this is where you can find the horniest women."

The room erupted into gasps. "Blasphemy!" A nun screamed. More joined her. Other women fainted, others did the cross. A low murmer of praying could be heard. A woman caught the holy ghost and had to be dragged from the sanctuary. The priest cleared his throat again and said, "Perhaps you should have communion. One just specially for you." He motioned to someone on the side, and they disappeared through a door. A moment later, they came back with a thin white circle and a small plastic cup of something red on a tray. (Okay, here even I'm not sure what happens exactly. I havn't been to church in a while, so I've forgotten what exactly is said during communion!)

The priest held the white circle in his hand and told Naraku to lift up his. He did just that. "This is the body of Jesus Christ, broken for your sins (or something like that!). And this--" "What the hell is this?! Tastes like foam!" Naraku shouted and spit the white soft circle out. Another woman swooned. The priest closed his eyes slowly, then continued. "This is the blood of Jesus Christ, which--" he was interrupted again. "Holy shit! Is this really the blood of Jesus?" The priest ignored his profanity. "Yes," he said. "Wow! This guy must have been loaded 24/7!" "Okay, that's it," the priest said, putting down his bible and taking off his glasses. "If you don't want to take this seriously, then leave. "But I just wanted some religion! Just some proof that I went to church so my boss doesn't make me work for him every Sunday until I die!"

The priest crossed his arms. "Well, you got your religion, but, God forgive me, you have to leave. You're not taking any of this seriously and you're disrupting my congregation. Already three women have fell into fits--" Just then, a woman started rolling of the floor; she too was removed--"Sorry, four women have fell into fits. I'm going to have to ask you to leave." Naraku gave a huge sigh, but turned and started leaving. "Father, please. This man knows not what he's doing," Sara said to the priest. "That's your dad?" Naraku asked her. "No, he's a Father because of his position." "He ain't my dad," Naraku said, casting a look at the priest. The man was rubbing his temples wearily.

As Naraku left, he took Sara off to the side for a moment. "Look, if you're over Sesshomaru, why don't you go with me? I know how to treat a lady." "Gee, that's a kind offer (cough), but I'm already married." Naraku narrowed his eyes. "Anyone I know?" Sara smiled. "I'm a bride of Christ." "Say what! Since when?" "Since I became a nun." "Damn, he beat me to it!" Naraku turned to look at the picture again. "You might have won this battle, but will not win the war!" And with that, he stormed out.

Nearly two hours later he walked through the door to Sesshomaru's office. Sitting there behind that nice big computer in his huge soft office chair, and the sunlight behind him shadowing his features, he really did look like a tyranical, ego maniac. "Oh, Onigumo! So, do you have my proof?" "Yep. Church is where you have to find some guy named Jesus and for all the women who do, they get to marry him. And they force you to eat foam, but that's okay 'cause then they give you wine to wash it down with." Sesshomaru raised his eyebrows at him. "Fine," he said simply, then went back to typing. How do you type with one hand? But Naraku wasn't going to complain at his lack of speech. He headed home again as fast as his drunken state would allow him.


Sorry, for those of you who are real religious and might have been offended by this chapter. And yeah, a shame that I haven't been to church in such a long time, but even if I had, I based this chapter off of my experiences (I'm not exactly sure what the foam thing is, but that's what it tastes like at our communions and they don't really give us wine either. I think instead for the children its cranberry juice!). I wasn't raised in the Catholic church, so I wouldn't really know about their customs. I mostly based it off of TV. Well, enough of my babbling, review and tell me your opinions!