InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Guilty Hero ❯ The Gala: Part 3 ( Chapter 21 )

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In this chapter: A breakthrough.

Guilty Hero

Chapter 20: The Gala (Part 3)

 

Slowly, with heavy footsteps, the mayor approached the podium once again, the sound of his polished black shoes echoing like thunder in the utter silence that followed the video. Gripping the podium with both hands, he paused for a moment, staring out at all the somber faces in the audience.

“Will those who were there that day…” he began quietly, though his voice still seemed overly loud in the microphone, “…please stand up.”

The sound of chairs scraping on the floor filled the room as, one by one, policemen and demons alike got to their feet. Sango and Miroku joined them, holding the other's hand for support and comfort—they too had been affected by the footage, and had been reminded of a time that was hardly pleasant. Turning to look at Inu-Yasha, who had not moved an inch, Miroku gingerly put his hand on the demon's shoulder, uncertain if Inu-Yasha was going to explode in fury or collapse in remorse.

For the moment, Inu-Yasha himself was uncertain. For a few seconds, he had been back at the scene of the battle, struggling to keep a grip on his sanity as he held his lifeless fiancé in his arms, her blood dripping to the ground due to his handiwork. He felt the harsh wind whipping around him, heard the booming explosions in the background, smelt the tangy, metallic scent of blood in the air…

However, something jarred him out of that time, cutting into his memories like an axe. Suddenly taking a deep, gasping breath, he blinked rapidly, try to will the images away. Kagome sat in front of him, her hands on his arms and softly whispering his name, and he realized it was her voice that had severed his nightmare.

“Inu-Yasha…” she was saying, her voice thick with concern. “Inu-Yasha!”

She couldn't help but give a short sigh of relief when he seemed to return to reality, his eyes no longer having the glassy, glazed stare, but worry still had a firm grip on her. The look on his face broke her heart; he looked frightened and lost, unsure of what to do. It was as though the walls he had so carefully constructed over the past eight years had been ripped down like they were paper, exposing the hurt, guilt-ridden boy cowering behind them.

“Inu-Yasha…” she said again, carefully moving her hands down to his fists that were clenched tightly on top of his knees, shaking like leaves. His wide-eyed gaze flicked down, and he slowly turned his hands over, displaying four gashes on each palm where his claws had dug in. Silently, Kagome lifted the napkin out from under her wine glass and tenderly wiped off the wounds.

As she was cleaning the cuts, Inu-Yasha felt some pressure on his shoulder, and he turned to see Miroku standing by him.

“Hey…” he said quietly, looking a bit rattled himself after seeing the video. “Are you able to stand?”

Unable to ask why, for he doubted he could even speak, Inu-Yasha looked around the room, and realized that several people were on their feet, looking solemnly up at the mayor while the rest of the room watched in silence. Swallowing hard, he pulled his hands out of Kagome's, roughly shook his head at Miroku's offer of help, the pushed himself to his feet, nearly sitting back down again as his legs almost gave out. His limbs felt like rubber, and he couldn't keep his hands from shaking as he placed them on the table for support. Still reeling from the surprise of the video, he moved like he was in a fog.

The mayor, who apparently had been waiting for him to stand, stepped back from the podium and started to clap, looking soberly out at those who were on their feet. It did not take long for the entire room to be filled with loud, tumultuous applause, that seemed to have no end. It was the people's way of showing the veterans of that battle how much their efforts were appreciated; for most of the fighters, while thoroughly embarrassed by the proceedings, they were touched by the gratitude shown. For Inu-Yasha, it seemed to be a living hell.

When the full applause began, Kagome noticed her patient sway slightly, then glance around, looking like a trapped animal amidst a pack of predators. His trembling worsened, and he was so pale that his skin was almost the color of his hair. Without really thinking, she reached up and took his hand, wanting only to comfort him, and, much to her surprise, he automatically gripped it back, so hard that she almost cried out; she had not been expecting such a strong reaction. But he seemed to need a steady presence, so she gave his hand a gentle squeeze, despite the fact that she could hardly feel her fingers.

At her touch, he finally looked down at her, still wild-eyed, but when he saw her giving him a worried smile, he took a shaky breath and shut his eyes, trying to gain control over himself. Just a little longer… he thought, flattening his ears against his head to block out the hated sound of applause. Just a little longer and I won't have to deal with this for another year… The thought of the whiskey sitting on his kitchen table was enough to make him shudder from desire. He needed something, anything, to block out this awful event, to put a stop to the video that seemed to run in a continuous stream before his eyes.

“Inu-Yasha.” Kagome's voice broke into his thoughts once again. “You can sit down now.” She gave his arm a gentle tug.

As he eased himself back into his chair, he looked at her, never releasing her hand. Slowly, he began to realize that she was the only thing that was keeping him from completely losing control. She was focused on him, hardly paying a bit of attention to the mayor, who had begun to speak again, and was doing her best to keep him calm. But, as he studied her closely, he could tell that she still had her own fears to deal with about the gala, fears that she was trying to keep hidden. Taking a deep breath, he tried to get his thoughts in order; he needed to be there for her, if nothing else. He would tough out the rest of the gala and make sure she got home safely, then he could go back to his apartment. With that in mind, he set his face in a stern expression, pulled his hand from hers and crossed his arms, staring at the stage.

Kagome, although confused by his sudden change, was relieved to see that he was no longer so frightened. While still pale and awfully shaky, he appeared to be in control of himself, so she let him be, keeping watch on him out of the corner of her eye.

“…cannot forget what happened during those dark days in this city's history,” the mayor was saying, once the applause finally died out. “We also cannot forget those who we have to thank for risking their lives to protect this place and those who inhabit it. Will those who have fought the demon surge please come on stage.”

“Hm,” Kagome heard Sango whisper to Miroku as they stood. “It seems they've changed the order this year. Medals first, speeches next. That's odd.”

Then she felt Inu-Yasha get up, and when she looked up at him to give him a reassuring smile, the look on his face hinted that anger, guilt, and fear were all battling for dominance inside him; he never noticed her looking at him, he only walked slowly towards the stage as though it was his death march. She knew it was because of the medal he was about to receive; she had realized during her time spent with him that he hated any and all shows of gratitude, and this medal embodied all of that appreciation in one item. She could hardly blame him for not wanting to accept it.

With the aid of some high officials of the city, the mayor solemnly hung silver medals hanging from black ribbon around every police officers neck, symbolizing a high honor in the city's police force. The demons on stage, most of whom were hired by the Order, he hung silver medals with blue ribbon. Sango and Miroku, who had long since been recognized as the leaders of the assault against Naraku, and who had also been known to have taken down the most demons during the battle, received silver medals with red and black ribbon, which served to label them as `honorary police chiefs'.

Inu-Yasha however, was forced to stand in front of the line of fighters, and the mayor personally approached him, holding a large gold medal with red, black, and blue ribbon hanging off it. “For you, Inu-Yasha, you who slayed the demon Naraku, you who saved our city from a bleak and terrible future, I give you the `City Hero' Award. No longer will you be labeled as the `Hero of the Year'. From now on you will always and forever be known as our hero.” As he hung the medal around the demon's neck, the entire room got to its feet and burst into cheers and applause, nearly knocking Inu-Yasha over from the sheer force of their joy. Even the mayor stepped back and joined in the applause, giving Inu-Yasha a warm smile that demon could not return.

Kagome, who did stand and applaud as well, for she was grateful to them all, kept a close eye on Inu-Yasha. The resolve he had found while sitting in his seat seemed to have disappeared the moment he got up on the stage, and he was looking now like he was about to faint or throttle the mayor, she was unsure which.

At last, when the clapping died down and the mayor invited the fighters to return to their seats so the speeches could begin, she noticed Inu-Yasha practically fly off the stage, pausing only to tug his medal off and shove it in Sango's hands before disappearing out the door. When Sango and Miroku returned to the table, both looking slightly confused, Kagome leaned over and whispered, “Where did he go? Is he going home?”

“I'm not sure…” Miroku replied, gazing out at the exit. “Although, I can hardly blame him. I never expected the mayor to show that video. It really shook him up.”

“Why did he show that if he knew it would affect Inu-Yasha so badly?” she asked, posing a question that had long since been on her mind.

“He didn't know it would affect Inu-Yasha like it did, Kagome,” Sango broke in, reaching across the table to set the demon's medal on top of the cigar tin by his seat. “Kikyo's death is known by very few people, and the mayor is not one of them. Those who do know tend to keep quiet about it for respect to Inu-Yasha. It was never broadcasted to the public, and Miroku and I made sure of that. Inu-Yasha was so messed up after her death that we weren't sure he could handle the ramifications.”

“Oh, dear…” Glancing out the doorway, she finally whispered, “I'm going to go after him. Just to make sure he's all right.”

“Uh, Kagome, I'm not so sure that's the best idea…” Miroku said warningly, trying to stop her. “He's probably about to go drinking now, and tonight he tends to get violent. It would be safer for you if you were to visit him tomorrow. Or possibly the next day.”

Frowning at him in disapproval, Kagome said sternly, “My safety is of no importance. He is hurting right now, and needs help. Now, if you'll excuse me.” She grasped her shawl and strode out of the room, a little miffed by Miroku's behavior.

Once outside of the ballroom, she couldn't help but give a short sigh of relief; she had never liked large crowds, and sitting in there had been positively stifling. But, with a quick shake of her head, she focused on the task at hand. Spotting their waiter, Hojo, sitting by the doorway and eavesdropping on the proceedings inside, she nudged his shoe with her foot to get his attention.

“Y-yes, ma'am?” he asked, leaping to his feet when he saw her, a bit nervous to be caught slacking on the job.

“Did you see Inu-Yasha come this way?” she asked, allowing a tone of urgency to creep in so he would know it was important.

“Oh, yes, I did. He said he was going to the roof.”

Kagome blinked in surprise. Why would Inu-Yasha bother to tell anyone where he was going? Unless…

“How do I get to the roof from here?”

Confused by the situation, for as a waiter he had never been asked to escort anyone to the roof, he said hesitantly, “Um, follow me…” He led her outside of the mansion, blushing under the curious stairs of the staff as they went by. Once outside, he led her to the side of the house, waiting a moment for her to remove her shoes because they were sinking into the grass, then pointed at a metal staircase winding up the side.

“This is the only way I know of to get up…” he told her sheepishly.

“Thank you, Hojo,” she said, looking dubiously at the rusty steps. “I'll take it from here.”

“Do be careful, ma'am. I'll wait just inside the front door if you need anything else.”

Nodding at him, Kagome waited before he was around the corner before beginning her climb; after all, the metal grill at every landing was see-through, and she was wearing a dress. Hojo seemed like a nice boy, but she didn't want to take any chances. Making the climb as quick as she could, for the metal chilled by the December wind felt like ice on her bare feet, she paused once on the stone roof to shove her shoes back on and give her feet some much-needed warmth. After that, it only took a quick glance around to see Inu-Yasha's white hair standing out like a beacon against the night sky. He was sitting on the very edge of the roof, his feet dangling over the side while he took a deep pull from his flask.

“Hey…” she said quietly, coming up behind him. “You're not gonna jump, are you?”

Turning around to look at her, unsurprised by her presence, he noticed she was smiling at him, obviously teasing. With a humorless chuckle, he went back to staring down at the city while she joined him on the roof's edge. “Nah…” he muttered. “I don't want to ruin the mayor's lawn.”

He received a quiet laugh in reply, and then they both lapsed into silence. He was still trying to calm down after the fury of emotions that had gripped him in the few seconds the mayor gave him the medal; rage at the man for putting him through such torture, even though he knew it wasn't the mayor's fault; guilt for accepting a medal that he most certainly did not deserve; and fear as Kikyo's final moments continued to play in his mind, never to let him rest. The mere thought of it all nearly took over him again, and he took another gulp from his flask, hoping the soothing drink would keep all his emotions at bay.

Kagome kept silent beside him, waiting patiently for him to speak. Her legs were covered in goosebumps, her bottom was numb from the cold brick she was sitting on, and her shawl was offering her little warmth, but she did not stir. Inu-Yasha clearly wanted her up here for a reason, and she was not going to budge until he did.

Looking around at the hustle and bustle of the inner city, which still remained active so late at night, she marveled at the view from so high. They were about four stories high, and it was amazing what all could be seen. She caught sight of several reporters still at the gates, apparently camping out until the gala was over and all the guests were leaving so they could snap some more pictures and possibly get a question or two answered. Past them she could see the great, cavernous Crater, which was shrouded in shadow and looked more like an abyss than a crater in the darkness. Further along, she saw all the flashing lights of bars and clubs in the inner city, buzzing with Peace Day revelers that celebrated the holiday with a night on the town.

Suddenly, she heard Inu-Yasha take a deep breath beside her, and she immediately brought her attention back to him, wondering what he was going to do next. He had been silent for several minutes, apparently building up the courage to speak.

“Do… do you know why I drink so much?” he asked softly, keeping his gaze on his lap.

Silently, Kagome shook her head, not daring to speak. She could hardly believe that, after so much time, he was actually going to tell her something she had been praying to uncover for weeks.

Glancing at the flask held loosely in his hand, he said, “It serves a dual-purpose for me, the drink. It's like a… a two-sided coin.” He paused for a moment, deep in thought. “…After the battle for the city, I was willing to do anything to ease the pain of Kikyo's murder. Hell, I was desperate to forget everything that had happened, everything I had done. It wasn't too long before I figured out what the booze could do, and when I took that first drink…”

He stared out at the cityscape, his thoughts drifting to a time long since past. When he spoke, his voice was distant and far away. “…I finally found the relief I'd been looking for. No more nightmares, no more cruel reminders of my deeds… Even the guilt was pushed away for awhile, and I could finally have a moment's peace.”

Slowly, his fingers started to fiddle with the cap of his flask. “Whiskey provided an escape from the nightmare, and that was all I wanted. But still, despite the reprieve it gave, it never took away the pain. Over the years, the hurt and the guilt never lessened, and I grew more and more dependent on the drink to make it through the day. Things are still the same way now, as you know.” He gave her a dry smile, then took a long draught of whiskey, almost as though he was trying to prove his point.

Once he swallowed, he fell silent once again. An icy breeze rushed past, and he enjoyed the feeling of his against his flushed face. After a minute, though, he realized that Kagome was shivering next to him, trying hard to keep her teeth from chattering as she clutched her shawl about her as tight as possible. Shrugging out of his jacket, he silently laid it over her shoulders, not daring to look at her.

“Thank you…” She pulled it tightly around herself, breathing in deep. It smelt of cigar smoke and whiskey, of course, but there was another scent, almost masked by the others; it was wild and earthy, and she realized it must be what he was like before his life was turned upside down.

“What's the other purpose…?” she asked quietly after a moment, hoping to nudge him back into the conversation.

“Hm?”

“You said that drink served a dual-purpose. What's the other one?”

“Ah…” He refused to meet her gaze. This was the part of his story that he had been most concerned about revealing, and yet… something about her actions tonight seemed to let him know that it would be all right if he opened this part of himself to her.

“I know what drinking has done to my life,” he began slowly. “I've lost friends, work, trust, reliability… The only people who have stuck by me are Sango and Miroku, and I think that's mostly from guilt.”

Kagome opened her mouth to protest, for she knew the two did care very deeply for him, but Inu-Yasha shook his head, discouraging her attempt to speak. If he didn't finish saying his piece now, he doubted he'd ever work up the courage again. Kagome didn't know it, but she was the only person he had ever told his secret. It was hard enough to let down his guard long enough to tell her, and he did not want any interruptions.

“I know I've messed up my life with this,” he continued, holding up the flask. “But it's been on purpose.”

“On purpose…?” Kagome repeated in disbelief, unable to stop herself. “Why would you do something like that to yourself on purpose?”

“Please, Kagome…” he growled, his voice strained. “Let me finish.”

She immediately closed her mouth and look down at her lap, pulling his coat tighter around her shoulders. She tried not to take offense; this was difficult for him, and her nagging was not making it easier. “Sorry…” she murmured.

With a slight nod of acceptance, he continued on, screwing and unscrewing the cap to his flask as he kept himself from taking another drink. “I noticed after the first few weeks just how much I had grown dependent on alcohol. It kind of scared me, to be honest. So, for awhile after that, I swore off the stuff, kept myself sober… And my god, I-I…”

Unable to resist any longer, he pulled the cap off took a long swallow, trying to drink away the pain the memory held for him. Only when the flask was empty did he pull it away from his lips, panting as the drink burned down his throat.

“I hated every second…” he finally mumbled. “The physical effects were bad enough, but… when I came to realize what my drinking had done… It hurt to see people I trusted turn their backs on me. It hurt to see those who had relied on me sneering down at me instead. It hurt to hear that Sango and Miroku had been promoted to the head of the Order while I'd been drinking my time away in some bar, never knowing. Hell, even that old hag Kaede looked down on me in shame. But… the more that became clear, the more I found out what I had lost, the more I came to realize…

He bowed his head, allowing his long silver locks to cover his face as though he didn't wish for Kagome to see his true emotions. “… I deserved it all,” he whispered, his fingers twitching around his flask once more. “Every bit of that pain. I still do. That's the reason I keep drinking, Kagome. To punish myself.” His voice became tight and soft, a sign of the torrent of feelings welling up inside him.

“I took her life away,” he went on, in a voice so soft Kagome could hardly hear it. “She was only nineteen, but I saw fit to snatch away her remaining years. One slash of my claws was all it took to steal the life of my bride-to-be. One slash to save the city from a `bleak and terrible future'. Hmph.” He gave a humorless laugh. “I ended up taking that future for myself.”

When he looked up and met Kagome's eye, she saw this his own orbs were bloodshot and glassy—not from drink, but from tears. “I did think of suicide,” he informed her, reminding her of her greeting. “but I realized it would hurt far more to keep myself alive than to die with her.”

There. He had finally said it. But now he couldn't stand it any longer. Emotion was coming upon him faster than he was prepared for, and he hardly knew what to do with himself. He wasn't quite sure what he had expected to happen when he had left Kagome the subtle clue to join him on the roof, but baring his soul to her had not even been considered as an option. And because of it, now he found himself thinking on things he would much rather keep buried.

Suddenly overcome with a terrible thirst for drink, he found that he no longer had the willpower to fight that urge. He had been resisting it all evening, and had finally had enough. Abruptly he got to his feet and tucked his flask into his back pocket, trying not to look at Kagome; the smell of salt had long ago drifted to his nose, a sign that she was weeping, which only added to the turmoil of emotions inside him.

“I need to go,” he said hoarsely around the lump in his throat. “Will you be able to make it home all right?”

“Y-yes…” she replied softly, wiping her eyes with the sleeve of his jacket in a futile attempt to stop crying. When she did look up again, she saw that he was already gone, leaping noiselessly from rooftop to rooftop as fast as he could.

It took a few minutes before she got control of herself; she was surprised to realize how difficult it had been to simply listen to Inu-Yasha's tale. She knew Kikyo's death weighed heavily on his heart, but only after hearing all of the guilt, pain, and regret in his voice as he spoke was she able to understand how deeply he was cut.

But still, as she slowly made her way down to the first floor and followed Hojo back inside to her seat, she couldn't help but feel a small bit of relief. He had finally opened up to her, and told her the truth that she had patiently been waiting for. Perhaps now she could finally begin to heal his mind.

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Well, I hope this explained a few things. Thank you for reading, and please, leave a review and tell me what you think!