InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Guilty Hero ❯ Christmas Eve ( Chapter 32 )

Thank you to all who reviewed! You are great!

First off, I would like to apologize if you did not get a reply to your review. I try my best to get all of them, but nowadays there are so many of you that it's hard to keep track! So, if you did not get a reply, that does not mean that I didn't read your review, I just got a little muddled. I will try and keep up on them better in the future.

Second, I would like to apologize in the delay. Something I usually pride myself on in the rather quick updates, and this chapter just kind of ruined that. I have no excuse. But I hope the length of this will make up for things. 17 pages is a lot of writing. ^__^

In this chapter: A confused soul with an emotional holiday are a bad mix.

Guilty Hero

Chapter 31: Christmas Eve

“But Mama, you don't understand, he's—yes, I know that. Yes, Mama, but-- Will you stop interrupting me, please?”

Inu-Yasha, who had been pretending to watch television while eavesdropping on Kagome's hushed cell phone conversation in the kitchen, raised an eyebrow at her irritated tone. He knew it took a lot to try her patience, but apparently her mother was succeeding. With a shrug, he turned his attention back to the TV and pulled the cigarette from his lips, expelling a cloud of smoke. Frankly, he didn't mind her getting into a heated discussion, for it gave him the opportunity to satiate his nicotine craving for a while. He had been doing his best to avoid smoking around Kagome now that he knew how much she disliked it, but in doing so he realized how difficult it was to find a time when he wasn't around her. It seemed to him that they were constantly side-by-side, spending the vast majority of the day together. While he wasn't at all bothered by that fact, it did make him understand how difficult it was to resist tugging his pack out cigarettes out every time the light pull of desire niggled at him. He had learned quickly to take advantage of any opportunity he got.

Of course, he thought, staring pensively at his cigarette, I'll have ample time alone tonight. He couldn't help but smile wistfully when he recalled how Kagome had approached him a couple of days ago, looking very apologetic when she asked if it was all right if she took a few days off to spend Christmas with her family. Despite his insistence that she should go, that he would be fine on his own, she kept apologizing over and over, and eventually had come up with the idea of asking her mother if he could join them. He assumed that was what the current phone conversation was about.

With a sigh, he leaned back in the couch; he was having mixed feelings about Christmas this year. He was so used to spending them with a bottle of Iro's finest whiskey, which Iro gave to him as a gift for being his best customer, and then settling in on the couch for the rest of the evening, greeting Christmas day with a dreadful hangover and no memory of the night before. However, this year felt so different.

Feeling at last that Kikyo had forgiven him for what he had done to her, his drinking had decreased quite a bit. In fact, after he had returned home from the graveyard, he didn't even consider taking a drink until two days later when, right in the middle of enjoying a very pleasant dinner with Kagome, he got a horrible case of the shakes and ended up imbibing far too much, which effectively ruined their meal. Kagome had sternly reminded him the next morning to be careful with his drinking because of how ill he could get if he abstained, but he still chose to cut back far more than he probably should have. In fact, glancing down at the fingers that were holding his cigarette, he realized they were already trembling from lack of drink. He knew he wouldn't last too much longer without at least getting one glass of whiskey, and, judging from his previous record, one glass would lead to two, which would lead four, which would lead to an entire bottle, putting him right back into the same situation he always found himself on Christmas Eve.

With a soft groan, he rubbed his face in frustration. There was another factor that put a kink in usual Christmas plans—Kagome. She was so concerned over him spending Christmas Eve alone, and was doing her best to get him invited to her family's Christmas celebrations that he couldn't help but feel flattered. The fact that she was risking a fight with her mother told him volumes of how much she wanted him there. But still… he wasn't sure if he would be able to handle the stark change; to go from spending the holiday in a whiskey-induced haze to celebrating the joyful occasion with a large group of people, most of whom he had never met, was a daunting prospect. Especially if he was already feeling the need to drink; trying to resist that in front of a large group of people, even with Kagome there, was not something he wanted to try so quickly.

Then there was the fact that, if he were to join Kagome, he would actually be celebrating Christmas, which had been something he had only done with Kikyo. It would be a huge step to allow himself to find any joy from the holiday without her there, and it was a step he was uncertain that he was ready to take. Yes, he knew that Kikyo had forgiven him, but it was incredibly difficult to break habits that were going on eight years strong.

Blinking, for he suddenly realized that Kagome had stopped speaking and snapped her cell phone shut, he quickly leaned forward to snub his cigarette out in the ashtray just before she entered the room. He paused when he noticed that she just stood silently by the couch, staring down at the floor.

“Kagome?” he asked curiously.

“I'm sorry, Inu-Yasha…” she mumbled miserably, tossing her cell phone onto the coffee table. “I tried, I really did.”

He frowned, a little confused by her demeanor. “Tried what?”

She sighed sadly in reply, looking away. “I asked Mama if I could invite you to spend Christmas with us. And Mama wanted you to come, she really did, but she still said `no'.”

“Well… why?” He hated to tell her that he was more than relieved by this.

Scuffing the toe of her shoe into the carpet, she told him, her voice strangely soft as though she were trying to soften the blow, “Well… It's just… There are going to be kids there, and with your drinking problem, she doesn't want to take any chances. I'm so sorry, Inu-Yasha—we both are! Mama really would like to meet you, but she just doesn't think that Christmas Eve isn't the best time for that. I tried to get her to change her mind, but—“

“Hey.” That one stern word quickly silenced Kagome, who seemed to be afraid that he was going to rise up in an infuriated rage against her for saying such at thing. She watched him carefully as he got to his feet and walked over to her, looking a little worried but not flinching away.

“Listen to me, Kagome,” he growled. “I am gonna be just fine on my own tonight, okay? I don't want to hear another word about it. I've been alone for years, I think I can handle one or two nights. I ain't gonna have you ruin your own Christmas Eve just because you're worried about me being here by my lonesome. Now, you better go, and you better have a damn good time, otherwise there will be hell to pay, understood?!”

His voice was so harsh and his expression so fierce that, for a moment, Kagome was uncertain if she had heard him correctly. However, once she reminded herself that he was no longer quite so quick to anger after his sojourn to the graveyard, she realized that he was only concerned for her.

With a light sigh, she nodded and backed off. “Understood. I promise to enjoy myself.”

“Hmph.” Still looking a little irritated, he stomped over to the pile of bags that she had set by the doorway in preparation to leave before she had gotten sidetracked by her phone conversation. “Well then, come on. You're already late.”

Waiting for her to get her coat on and to find her car keys and purse, he picked up the bags to carry for her, grunting from their weight. “Good grief, woman, how many gifts did you get your relatives?”

She smiled a little sheepishly as she tugged on her hat and mittens. “I can't help it. My little cousins are so adorable, and they get so excited when they see all those gifts under the tree. It's hard to resist making them so happy.”

“Hmph.” Scowling, he peered down into one of the bags, where a brightly wrapped gift with a shiny bow was peeking out. Seeing that covered box invoked the sense of curiosity that everyone feels around Christmastime—the wonder of the unknown. Just what exactly lay within the hidden confines of the wrapping paper? Probably just some stupid toy or doll… he mused, regarding the box with distaste. But still, despite his cynicism, he felt a twitch of longing welling up inside him; he had never been able to fully enjoy the thrill of being a child on Christmas, and, while he did have the opportunity to experience that for those precious three Christmases with Kikyo, the feelings had long been lost in the many years and many bottles since. Thus, before he could stop himself, he heard himself mumble, “I want one…”

“Hm? What did you say?” Kagome asked distractedly, for she was in the middle of making sure she had everything.

Flushing a dark red, he quickly snapped, “I didn't say anything. Now come on, let's go, you've got everything you need and then some.”

With a small smile at the comment, Kagome snagged her overnight bag and purse and then, making certain Inu-Yasha had the gift bags, exited the apartment. She turned to go down the stairs, but before she made it even two steps she felt herself being lifted up in a pair of strong arms, and with a growled, “Hang on,” she was suddenly overcome with the dizzying sensation of freefall. Caught off-guard, she let out a gasp and buried her face into his chest, squeezing her eyes shut. Inu-Yasha had given her a lift over the railing several times before, but she had not been expecting it and it was a terrifying sensation when it came without warning.

When the strangely soft landing finally arrived, Inu-Yasha murmured, “Kagome, you can let go now.” Blinking and opening her eyes, she blushed when she realized that he was standing in the lobby with her still in his arms, waiting for her to release her grip on his shirt so he could set her down. Quickly letting go, he carefully set her on her feet, then strode over and held the door open so she could get through with relative ease. Nodding her thanks as she passed, she went over to her car and opened the trunk, tossing her overnight bag inside and motioning Inu-Yasha to do the same. She noticed as he came over and set the bags inside with a surprising amount of gentleness, that he stared at the gift bags with an odd expression of desire, and he didn't look away until a couple moments after she slammed the trunk shut.

“Thank you for helping me out to my car,” she told him, squeezing one of his hands in appreciation. “That would have taken me several trips by myself.”

“Hmph. Whatever.”

She smiled sadly at his grumpy reply—his mood seemed to have worsened in the few moments since she had gotten off the phone, and she had a feeling she knew why. “Are you sure you're going to be all right on your own?” she asked softly, the worry evident in her voice.

Heaving a great sigh, Inu-Yasha rolled his eyes. “I'll be fine,” he growled, pulling his hand from hers. “Now go. You're late.”

Knowing she wouldn't get any more out of him, she knew it was time to go. So, standing up on her tiptoes, she pecked a kiss on his cheek and whispered, “Merry Christmas,” in his ear before quickly climbing into her car and pulling out.

Inu-Yasha stared out after her, as taken aback by her kiss as she was by the sudden lift downstairs. With a light blush creeping up over his cheeks, he quickly turned on his heel and ducked back inside the building.

After making the quick leap up the stairs, he pushed open the door and stepped inside his apartment, pausing in the foyer. Glancing around, he let out a gust of air; this was the first time he had been truly alone in ages. As the weight of the empty space seemed to come down upon him, he realized just how big of a presence Kagome had been to cause this much of a change when she wasn't around. The kitchen, which he had long ago figured was her favorite room, was dark, and when he flipped on the light switch, he noticed how strange the room was without her. Yes, there was the newspaper sitting out on the table where she always left it, and yes, there was a half-drunk mug of tea nearby that, but without her there, it didn't look right.

Wandering over to the cup, he picked it up and studied it, a small, sad smile tugging at his lips. He knew it wasn't in her nature to leave things sitting out, for she was always busying herself with little chores to do. However, she had been so excited about seeing her family for Christmas that he didn't blame her for leaving her things out.

Placing the cup back down, he slowly walked around the table and eased himself into her chair, his smile slipping off his face as he thought about her joy for the upcoming event. He had more than one reason to feel guilty over it, for it was his fault that she hadn't seen her family so long in the first place. He had never figured it out until quite recently, but he had required Kagome's presence daily to get to the place where he was today, and, while she had been more than willing to give that to him, he knew she had to sacrifice time for her friends and family in order to do so. She had never said a word about it to him, but her excitement for today told him volumes of what she had done for him.

There was also the fact that his own melancholy, solitary nature led Kagome to believe that he would spend Christmas feeling depressed, a thought that she couldn't stand, judging from her insistence that he should spend Christmas at her house. While her suspicions had been true, for he spent every Christmas feeling depressed, he hated to take away from her happiness just because she was worried for him. He had done the best he could to avert her attention from that fact, but he still hoped she wouldn't worry for him during her own celebrations.

“Worry for me…” he mumbled, setting the mug down with a scoff. “That woman is damn crazy…”

Getting up from the table, he considered putting away the newspaper and washing out the mug, but in the end he decided against it. It gave him a small amount of comfort having at least a sign that Kagome had been there, if Kagome herself was not able to be there. With one last look down at the little scene, he sighed and flipped off the lights, deciding to watch some television to pass the time.

Glancing at the clock as he sat down on the couch, he realized that it was already four o'clock; normally by this time on Christmas Eve he had already broken open a bottle and was beginning to work his way through it. However, even as he looked down at his hands and saw that their trembling had worsened for his body was already beginning to question the whereabouts of its sustenance, he still felt no desire to start drinking.

“Not yet, at any rate…” he muttered, for he knew the symptoms would only get worse as the evening wore on. However, even with that impending time weighing heavy on his mind, he still couldn't help but hope that perhaps, just maybe, he might make it through the entire night without a drink. It was a long stretch, he knew, but a part of him just wanted to put Kagome's mind to rest; she clearly was so concerned about him spending the night alone, and he was also fairly certain that the thought of him spending Christmas Eve drunk as a lord did not sit right with her, although she had never voiced that thought.

I'll just try it… he thought, grabbing the TV remote and pressing the power button. I don't wanna ruin her Christmas just because I'm unhappy. Damn girl shouldn't be worrying about that in the first place, but I guess I can't do anything about that…

Hoping that watching television might distract him from thoughts of what he usually did on Christmas Eve, he slowly started to flip through channels, growing a little irritated by all the Christmas specials that were playing. He supposed he couldn't avoid it, though, so he finally settled on an old cartoon that was playing.

He watched, at first with bored disinterest but soon with growing curiosity, as two young boys wandered around a Christmas tree lot full of bright lights and garishly colored ornaments. Even the trees themselves were dreadful colors, and when one of the boys knocked on one it made a strange clanging sound, confirming that it was aluminum. However, after a minute of searching, one boy caught sight of a single, pathetic, scraggly tree, and ended up taking it with him. Inu-Yasha stared attentively at the screen as the boy suffered the cruel remarks of his friends for picking out such a sad little tree, even trying to decorate it by hanging a single ornament on it, but the poor tree, under the weight of such a little thing, was weighed down. Inu-Yasha couldn't help but find a strange connection between him and the tree; he had always felt that way on Christmas Eve, as though the tiniest amount of joy or celebration would drag him down.

Staring as, at the end of the show, the little boy's friends gathered up the poor tree and took it over to an over-decorated doghouse, using the extra decorations to turn the pathetic thing into a beautiful, full Christmas tree, Inu-Yasha finally turned the television back off once again and sat back in the couch. Strangely enough, the special had given him an idea. Perhaps, if he were to get a tree and decorate it, then Kagome wouldn't be so worried about him. It would prove to her that because of her help, just like the boy's friends helped decorate the scraggly tree, he was indeed able to have a pleasant holiday.

For a moment, he sat still, hardly comprehending the implications of such an action. He hadn't decorated a tree since his last year with Kikyo. And once again, the thought of actually enjoying himself on Christmas was nearly more than he could bear. But… The image of Kagome's worried face popped into his head, and his hesitation practically melted away. He hated to see her upset, especially over him. If decorating a tree was what it took to put an ease to her fears, then so be it.

Taking a deep breath, he got to his feet and strode over to his hall closet, throwing the door open to try and find his black coat—not that he needed it, but it would help cover up his white hair when he went out into the public. It was still fairly early afternoon, and there were amazing crowds from the vast number of people doing last minute shopping; he didn't want to risk being spotted. However, once he opened the door, he glanced up at the top shelf and paused. If he remembered correctly, up there was where he had stashed a few memorabilia from his years with Kikyo, and he should still have a few things saved from Christmas. Though slightly wary as to what he might find, he slowly reached his hand up and felt around, grasping a box of some sort covered in something furry. Praying that the fur wasn't a dead animal, he pulled it out along with an enormous cloud of dust and began to hack and choke as it descended upon him.

Stepping back, he dropped the box as he reeled from the attack, coughing and sneezing until at last the dust settled and he could see what the items were. Wiping his watery eyes, he blinked a few times and realized that the fur he had felt was actually from a faded red Santa hat. He slowly crouched down next to it and carefully caressed the soft fur, raising a new dust cloud; he remembered the last time he had worn the hat was more than eight years ago. Picking it up, he swiped at it a few times, shaking the dust off the trim and turning the grey coated fur to its natural white, then, taking a deep breath, he pulled the hat on over his ears.

For a moment, he sat in silence, memories coming back to him. Kikyo had always loved him in this hat; she had told him that it was so strangely opposite of his personality that it fit him perfectly. He had never understood that, but since it had made her happy, he had worn it every year.

With a shake of his head, he pulled himself out of his memories and focused his attention on the cardboard box on the floor. Inside where a couple of smaller white boxes with several plain ornaments, and there were also two boxes of colored Christmas lights. Gently reaching in and pulling out an ornament box, he blew the thick layer of dust of it and carefully pulled one out; its color had long since faded and there were a few rust spots showing on the hanger, but he smiled slightly at it anyway. These decorations were given to him by Kikyo during their last Christmas together. She had given them to him in hopes that the next year they would decorate his apartment for Christmas. Of course, that had never happened, but he had kept them anyway out of nostalgia.

“Hmph.” Dropping the ornament back in the box, he picked it up, pulled his coat off the hanger, then slammed the door shut and made his way back into the living. He decided that, rather than facing the hell of a department store to buy more decorations or ornaments, he would use these. With a little bit of cleaning, they would be find. And he also decided to leave the Santa hat on; not only did it effectively cover his dog ears so as not to attract attention, but he hoped it might help him get in the spirit of things. He knew it was a stretch, but not an impossibility.

“All right,” he growled to himself, pulling his coat on and making sure to keep his hair tucked inside. “Time to go get a damn tree.”

Getting the tree was not hard. Bringing the tree back to his apartment was not hard. Setting it up in a stand and covering the base with his new flannel blanket that he kept on the back of the couch in lieu of a tree skirt was not hard either. However, as he started to wind the strands of the lights around the prickly branches, he felt his throat begin to constrict, and he was fairly certain it had nothing to do with the dust. And as he opened a box of ornaments and slowly started to hang them on the tree after wiping each one clean with a paper towel, he felt tears often prick at his eyes and he would quickly shake his head, trying to tell himself that it was merely all the dirt in the air. Once the lights were strung on and the ornaments hung, he dug around in the box, but there was nothing left but dust bunnies, which meant that he wouldn't have a tree topper. So, with a sigh, he set the box aside and then stood back to look at his handiwork.

As his eyes drifted from the bare top, to the strands of lights that were only half-lit due to age, to the sparse ornaments that had hardly any color and had rust spots everywhere, he suddenly sniffed and looked away, swiping at his eyes. It just didn't feel right, decorating a tree by himself. He had only ever done it in the company of Sango, Miroku, and Kikyo, and the two trees that they had decorated together had been wonderful, at least in his eyes.

Standing forlornly in the middle of his living room with the pathetic Christmas tree behind him, he slowly realized that the feeling that had been creeping up on him ever since Kagome had left had finally reared its ugly head: loneliness. For a moment he stood stock still, wondering what to do. He knew going to see Kagome was out of the question, though that was what he desperately wanted to do. Going to the Tap and visiting with Iro while satisfying the trembling in his limbs that had been growing exponentially was the second course of action that he wanted to take, but that felt to him like breaking a promise to Kagome.

However, there was a third option, one that took him a second to consider. He could go visit Sango and Miroku. They had invited him to join them for Christmas for years, but he had never showed due to his early start in drinking on Christmas Eve. But, while their offers had dropped off in the past couple years, he supposed that it couldn't hurt to, at the very least, pay them a visit. Perhaps, if he was very lucky, he might even be invited to stay the night, and get to experience what Christmas morning was like once again.

Blinking, for he suddenly realized what thought had just run through his head, he scowled and stomped out of the living room. “You're being a damn soft fool…” he growled to himself, plodding into the kitchen and heading for his liquor cabinet. “You know you aren't gonna make it an entire night without a drink, so why the hell bother with it all?”

As he gripped the knob to the cabinet and flung it open, an image of Kagome once again popped into his head, and he snarled in frustration before slamming the door shut once again. “This's getting pathetic…” he mumbled, shuffling out of the room. But, no matter how irritated he got with himself, the feeling was still there—he didn't want to be alone for Christmas. He wanted to know the feeling of celebrating with someone at his side, of sharing that warm glow you got when receiving a gift. And, since the one he really wanted to spend the holiday with was unavailable, Sango and Miroku were the next best thing.

Grumbling loudly to himself, he unearthed an envelope and a piece of paper from his bedroom and, once he scribbled a note on the paper, crammed it in the envelope, and labeled it with Sango and Miroku's names, and the snagged his coat on the way out the door.

Opting to take the rooftops rather than the streets to Sango's apartment where he knew the couple spent Christmas, along with Sango's little brother, he arrived in but a few minutes, and stood panting and flushed in front of the door. Swallowing hard, he carefully raised his shaking fist and knocked three times on the door, taking a step back when he finished. He tried to come up with a good excuse as a way to get himself invited to join them, but nothing had come to mind before Sango opened the door.

For a moment, the two stared at each other in silence, Sango's expression a look of pure surprise.

“I…Inu-Yasha…?” she finally asked, regaining control of her tongue. “I-I… um, what are you doing here? I-it's great to see you.”

“Um, hey…” he replied slowly, his tone lacking his usual gruffness around them. He suddenly felt very shy, as though he was intruding upon something he wasn't supposed to know about. “I just thought I'd stop by…”

“Inu-Yasha?” Miroku had come to the door by this point, managed to get over his surprise a little more quickly than Sango, and his tone projected warmth and welcome. He hadn't the faintest idea was the demon was standing in the doorway, but he wasn't about to push him away. “Why, what brings you to our neck of the woods? Please, come in.”

Slowly easing inside the apartment, Inu-Yasha came in just far enough to give Sango room to shut the door behind him, then stood gaping around the room. Being heads of the Order meant that they rarely had the time to celebrate holidays. However, for Christmas the entire company seemed to shut down, which gave its leaders plenty of time to prepare for the holiday. There were garlands of greenery hung all around the ceiling with red velvet bows hanging in every corner, there was a sprig of mistletoe hanging over the doorway to the kitchen (which Inu-Yasha believed Sango probably avoided as much as possible), there was the soft strain of Christmas tunes coming from the CD player, and in the far corner sat a beautifully decorated Christmas tree with a mound of gifts buried under its lush branches. Kohaku, who had been watching a Christmas show on TV and was oblivious to the implications of Inu-Yasha's presence, turned around and raised his mug of hot cocoa in greeting before turning back to the screen.

“So, Inu-Yasha, what brings you here tonight?” Miroku asked again, trying to sound nonchalant and friendly though Inu-Yasha knew he was quite curious.

“I-I… um…” It was difficult to find his voice after seeing how bright and cheery Sango's apartment had been decorated—his own tiny Christmas tree was nothing compared to all this, and the sense of longing that had been pulling at him all evening was stronger than ever.

Finally turning to face his two friends, he swallowed hard and reached into his pocket, pulling out the hastily scribbled envelope. “I just came to give you this. A… a sort of Christmas present, if you will.” Sango, though looking a little worried because his hand was trembling badly, accepted the envelope, studying him curiously as she did so.

“Can we open it now?” she asked, and he nodded in reply.

Splitting it open with her finger, Sango tugged out the sheet of notebook paper and unfolded it so that both she and Miroku, who was peering over her shoulder, could read it.

“The bearer of this paper,” the letter began in a shaky hand, for apparently Inu-Yasha's shaking had been afflicting him at the time of writing it, “has the permission to use the services of Inu-Yasha for ONE battle of their choosing, no arguing or complaining.” And there was nothing else on the paper, save for Inu-Yasha's signature scribbled at the bottom.

Miroku glanced up at the demon when he finished reading. “Inu-Yasha, I don't understand, I thought you said that you wouldn't—“

“I'm not going to fight in this war,” he growled, shoving his hands deep into his pockets. “However, that paper will give you the opportunity to send me on one assignment for it. It doesn't matter what the assignment is, I will do it. But only one time, got it? Don't go getting' any ideas.”

Sango and Miroku were both silent for a moment, hardly believing their ears. Though their gift was only a simple piece of notebook paper written over with a ballpoint pen, it was probably the most meaningful gift Inu-Yasha had ever given them. They could hardly speak from emotion.

Finally, Sango carefully refolded the paper and stuck it back in the envelope, tucking it into her pocket. “…Would you like to stay for a while, Inu-Yasha?” she asked, her voice barely above a whisper.

The question, though it was one Inu-Yasha had been hoping to hear, suddenly didn't sound as good as he had hoped. Upon seeing their reaction to his gift, he immediately began to regret it; the warm feeling he had gotten in the pit of his stomach the first time he had given gifts out for Christmas was beginning to creep up on him, and this time, rather than feeling elated, he was gripped with terror. He wasn't ready for this. He wasn't ready to happily celebrate the holiday with friends, he wasn't ready to open presents on Christmas morning, he was ready to sip hot chocolate on the couch, he wasn't ready for any of that.

His breathing becoming labored as his trembling seemed to seep into his limbs and the blood started to drain from his face, he quickly shook his head and backed up a few steps, groping for the doorknob. “N-no…” he mumbled, waving his free hand while the other searched for the doorknob. “No, I got other th-things to do… I just wanted to… to give you…” Finding the knob at last, he twisted it open and practically fled the apartment with only a rushed, “I gotta go,” by way of farewell.

Sango and Miroku peered out after him as he ran down the hallway and leapt down the stairs in a single bound, wondering what on earth had just happened. They stood there for a few moments, until finally Kohaku wormed his way in front, trying to see what they were looking at.

“What was wrong with him?” he asked casually, still holding his mug of hot cocoa.

Shaking her head, Sango replied faintly, “I'm not sure…”

oOoOoOo

Inu-Yasha nudged open the door to his apartment, his hands in his pockets and his shoulders slumped; he had given up. He couldn't last any longer. He had tried so hard to enjoy his Christmas so Kagome wouldn't worry, but when he finally had the opportunity to join with his friends, he had chickened out. He had been too afraid to let go and enjoy himself that he had run away.

Shrugging out of his coat, though he forgot he still had the Santa hat on, he trudged into the kitchen and retrieved a fresh bottle and a glass before returning to the living room and making his place on the couch. He figured that since he had already failed in his other pursuits that night, it hardly mattered if he started drinking now.

Pausing before he opened the bottle in order to light a cigarette, he poured himself a full glass of whiskey and then, just before he put it to his lips and drained its entirety, he murmured softly, “I'm sorry, Kagome.”

oOoOoOoOoOoOo

“Go on now, go to bed,” Mrs. Higurashi chastised the younger children gently as they pattered around the living room, clearly far too excited to sleep. “Sota, will you help them get changed into their pajamas, please?”

Sighing heavily, for this was not one of his favorite tasks to do on Christmas Eve, the young man stood up to his full height of six foot one, and when he did, all the children stopped running about, staring expectantly at him. After a moment of silence, his face suddenly contorted into a humorous grimace, his hands formed claws and he let out a bellow and started to chase the children. All of them, shrieking with laughter and pretend fear, ran up the stairs with him hot on their heels, and soon their shouts were muffled to a more reasonable level.

The adults that remained downstairs had a good chuckle out of Sota's display, as they did every year. However, Mrs. Higurashi noticed that, unlike the rest of her relative's, Kagome's laughter was nowhere near as joyful, and it died down far quicker, to be replaced with a pinched expression of worry and concern. In fact, that same expression had been on her face the entire evening, from the moment she had arrived. She hid it well, for none of her other relatives had noticed, but Mrs. Higurashi had always been aware of her daughter's moods, and she was certain something was bothering her.

Deciding that it was time to do something about it, for the girl's worry hadn't ceased all evening, Mrs. Higurashi stood and clapped her hands, hoping to get everyone's attention. “Listen, now that the children are occupied, it is time to begin wrapping presents. Father, will you please help everyone gather their gifts in the kitchen while Kagome and I collect the wrapping paper?”

As everyone climbed off the couches, floor, and armchairs to assist the elderly man with the gifts, Kagome silently followed her mother down the hallway to the closet where they kept the paper. However, once she was certain they were alone, Mrs. Higurashi turned to her daughter and gently cupped Kagome's chin in her hand.

“Kagome, what's bothering you?” she asked softly, making sure to catch the girl's gaze. “You've been quiet and sad all evening, and this is supposed to be a joyous occasion. Won't you tell your mother what's wrong?”

Kagome sighed and stared down at the floor; she knew that there was no way to avoid telling her mother what was going on. “I'm sorry, Mama…” she began. “I don't mean to be so depressing. It's just… Well, I'm just so worried about Inu-Yasha.”

“Because I wouldn't let him come tonight?” Mrs. Higurashi asked; her tone was not accusatory, but rather apologetic. She really had wanted to meet the demon, but her concern for her family's safety came first.

“Well, sort of. It's just that he's spending Christmas Eve all alone in his apartment, and I know that he's feeling confused and conflicted right now because Kikyo forgave him but he's still not certain about how he feels, and with Christmas being such an odd time of year for him that he won't know what to do and I'm afraid that he—“

Mrs. Higurashi, who had been listening patiently to her daughter's rambling simply smiled gently at her, and Kagome finally realized she needed to stop speaking so her mother could.

“Kagome, why don't you call him?”

Kagome blinked; the thought had never even occurred to her. “Call him?”

“Yes. It will make you feel better, and hopefully it will make him feel better.” She reached out and squeezed her daughter's hand in reassurance. “Nobody should feel sad on Christmas Eve, right? Now go, use the phone in my bedroom for privacy. I can handle the wrapping paper by myself.”

Placing a quick kiss on her mother's cheek, Kagome practically flew down the hallway into the bedroom. Mrs. Higurashi stared after her for a moment, then smiled and shook her head. She had realized long ago that Kagome was confusing her care for Inu-Yasha with love, and she could only hope that Kagome would recognize it soon enough.

oOoOo

Inu-Yasha sighed heavily once he polished off yet another glass of whiskey, sinking deeper into the couch so he could prop his feet up on the coffee table. Now that his world was back to the familiar haziness that accompanied drunkenness, he was pleased to feel so much more at peace. All of his conflicting emotions from earlier that evening were dampened by the liquor, until only the simplest of emotions came about. Right now he knew two things: he was relieved to be drunk again, and he was still terribly lonely.

During the course of his drinking session, he had also been watching Christmas shows on TV, and had realized that in none of them was there a person that didn't have a happy ending celebrating Christmas with friends and family. And the more specials he watched, the more he wanted that same happy ending. However, he knew that he had gotten his chance for that earlier, but had blown it due to fear, which only spurred his drinking on even more. Now, three-quarters of a bottle into the evening and still minus a companion, he was more miserable than ever.

Bringing the whiskey bottle from its place on the side table over to his now empty glass, he started to pour another, then practically leaped out of his skin when the telephone rang right by his ear, making him spill some of his freshened drink. With an annoyed growl at the offending appliance, he settled back down, returning the bottle to the side table and leaning back into the cushions. He figured that it was most likely Sango and Miroku calling, hoping to pepper him with questions about his embarrassing appearance at their apartment earlier, and since he really hoped to forget about that particular episode, he opted to let the phone ring rather than answer. Pleased at the very least to have the protection of the Santa hat still covering his ears so the sound was slightly muffled, he gave the phone one last glare before bringing the tumbler to his lips once again.

*beep* “Hi, Inu-Yasha, it's Kagome. Um, I was just calling to say—“ The second he heard the voice he had been dying to hear all evening drift through the answer machine, he quickly sat up and groped for the phone, now cursing the formerly precious liquid for making his vision so blurry.

“Kagome!” he said loudly once he finally picked up the device and brought it to his hear, praying that she hadn't hung up yet.

“Oh! Um, hello to you to, Inu-Yasha,” came Kagome's rather surprised voice from the other end. “I'm sorry, did I wake you? I know it's kind of late to be calling…”

“Uh, no, no I wasn' sleepin'…” he mumbled, his cheeks burning as he realized how desperate his greeting to her must have sounded. “I was jus'… um, watchin' TV... H-how are you doin'?”

“I'm fine, thank you,” she replied, and he could tell from her voice that she was smiling. “Sota just chased the children upstairs to bed, and now all us adults who kept putting off wrapping gifts are now getting to it in the kitchen. We complain dreadfully about it, but it's our own fault, I suppose,”

“Yeah…” Silence reigned for an awkward moment, until Inu-Yasha finally asked, “Um, was there a reason you called me?”

He heard a soft sigh, and then came Kagome's voice, sounding a little worried. “…I'm concerned about you, Inu-Yasha. I just wanted to make sure you were doing all right. You seemed a little depressed when I left the apartment earlier. And, I don't mean to be rude, but you sound like you've been drinking. Is everything all right?”

He stayed silent for a long moment, wanting dearly to tell her that no, everything was not all right. He wanted to beg her to come over to his apartment, or to allow him to join her and her family. But he knew that he couldn't. Him and his damning drink would have to spend the night alone. Finally, after a silence that was far too long and spoke volumes to Kagome, he muttered quietly, “…I'm fine.”

There was another awkward pause, and then Kagome finally said, “I'm sorry, Inu-Yasha, I have to go now. Grandpa needs my help wrapping something.”

A little sad that the conversation was ending so soon, Inu-Yasha slowly nodded. “Oh. Okay. You go an' do that.”

“…Merry Christmas, Inu-Yasha.”

“…Merry Chris'mas.”

Once he slowly placed the phone back in its receiver, after having to try a couple times to make it, he moaned and rested his forehead on the arm of the couch. Hearing Kagome's voice only made his longing for her increase to the point where he could hardly stand it. With a sharp growl, he snatched the bottle off the side table and filled his glass to the brim, gulping it down like water. Then, resting his head down again, he groaned pathetically, “…I don' wanna be alone…”

oOoOo

Placing the phone back in its cradle on her mother's nightstand, Kagome slowly let her hand slide down to her lap, where she was staring blankly. Hearing how small and sad Inu-Yasha's voice was over the phone made her guilt for leaving him there alone increase tenfold. She didn't know how she was going to go back out there and face her family with a smile; she could hardly keep herself from crying.

As she sat silently on the bed, trying to compose herself, the door slowly creaked open and Mrs. Higurashi carefully stepped inside, studying her daughter for a moment before going over to sit next to her on the bed. Gently she put an arm around Kagome's shoulders and pulled her into a hug, and soon the sobs started.

“I've made a mistake, Mama…” she cried into her mother's neck. “I was being selfish. I hadn't seen my family in so long that I thought a couple of days wouldn't make a difference, but I was wrong. He's so sad, Mama, I could tell from his voice… And it's my fault for leaving him alone…”

Rubbing Kagome's arm soothingly as she wept, Mrs. Higurashi finally murmured, “You know, Kagome, if you think you did the wrong thing by leaving him alone, then no one is stopping you from going to him. I'm certainly not stopping you.”

Though still not quite finished crying, Kagome carefully pulled away so she could stare at her mother, sniffling a little. “Really?”

Mrs. Higurashi smiled. “Yes. All I ask is that you are back in time to open presents with your family tomorrow morning. Now go, I'll make up an excuse for the relatives. You must to go where you are needed.”

Grasping her mother in a tearful hug, Kagome was off the bed and out the door in mere moments, so fast to where Mrs. Higurashi shook her head in wonder.

The drive to Inu-Yasha's apartment seemed to take an interminable amount of time, for there were plenty of holiday revelers that were wandering about the city who got in her way, but once she finally made it she barely had her car off before she was running up the stairs, taking them two at a time. And, though she simply did not have the stamina to maintain that speed to the seventh floor, she still made it in record time, pausing only to gasp for breath for a few moments before knocking lightly on the door and going inside.

Though a little surprised to see the changes in décor he had made for the few hours she had been gone, her attention quickly focused on the lump on the couch. While the ragged Santa had that was perched lopsided on his head and covering one eye made a smile tug at her lips, she couldn't help but feel guilt squeeze around her heart when she noticed the completely empty whiskey bottle on the side table, and how pathetic he looked sprawled out on the couch with a noticeable frown on his face.

“Inu-Yasha…” she said softly, taking a step towards him.

Upon hearing his name, he blearily turned his gaze in her direction in confusion. However, once his hazy eyes finally distinguished who she was, his entire demeanor changed. His frown slid off his face and his expression turned hopeful, the one ear that had been freed when his hat had slipped perked up from its drooping position, his one eye that was uncovered seemed to brighten, and, despite the full bottle of whiskey sloshing around in his head, he attempted to sit up, clearly trying to go to her. “Kagome…” he slurred, as though saying her name to make certain she was truly there.

Letting out a sob and a laugh at the same time, Kagome crossed the distance between them in two steps and pulled him in an embrace that he gladly succumbed to. She gripped him as hard as she could, weeping for the second time that evening as she buried her face into his shoulder. “I'm so sorry, Inu-Yasha…” she sobbed. “I shouldn't have left. I should have stayed right here. I can't stand the thought of you spending Christmas all alone.”

Taken a little aback by the enthusiastic greeting, Inu-Yasha grinned and wrapped his arms around her, returning the embrace. He couldn't recall a time when he had been happier to see her. The dark, depressing thoughts that had been plaguing him all evening seemed to dissipate in a moment with her arrival, and he hardly knew what to do with himself.

“Yuh…yer here…” he mumbled stupidly, unable to keep a smile off his face.

“Yes,” Kagome sniffled, slowly sitting up and realizing that she was sprawled across his lap. He didn't seem to mind, or even notice, but she felt a flush burning her cheeks. “I'm sorry, Inu-Yasha. Please, won't you accept my apology?”

Though he still wasn't sure what she was apologizing for, he smiled sleepily at her, hoping to reassure her that he wasn't angry. “O' course I do…” he slurred, groping for her hand to hold. “Yer here…”

Wiping her eyes in an attempt to stop crying, Kagome knew that he wasn't in his right mind, but at least he was much happier than he had been the rest of the evening. So, a smile slowly beginning to grow on her face, she got up and moved to the end of the couch, sitting down and patting her lap. “Here,” she suggested gently, “come lie down.”

He didn't need to be told twice. Though it took a little work in his drunken state, he finally rested his head on her lap and sighed with pleasure, nuzzling against her. Though a little surprised, for he had never been quite so affectionate before, Kagome slowly started to stroke his hair, pausing for a moment to pull off his Santa hat.

“Is this the hat Kikyo gave you?” she asked, resuming her stroking with her left hand as she studied the hat in her right.

“Mm…” he grunted in agreement, seeming to distracted by her touch to say much more. Kagome, however, was quite pleased with his answer; it was a sign of progress that he had chosen to take such a big step on his own.

They sat in silence for a few moments, Kagome smoothing out his mussed hair as his eyes slowly drooped shut, lulled by the soothing motion. Pausing one again in the motion, she whispered into his furry ear, “I like your Christmas tree. You did a good job.” Though the tree did indeed look pretty pathetic, she could tell he had worked hard on it, and that was all she cared about.

A small smile stretched across his features, and he murmured, “I did it… for you…”

“…For me?”

“For you.” He seemed to be too tired to explain, so Kagome decided it could wait until morning, so she went back to stroking his hair in silence, which he seemed to be the most content with.

However, the next, and last time they spoke that evening was initiated by him, just as he was teetering on the brink of unconsciousness. “I'm glad you're here…” he mumbled softly into her legs, and then he finally drifted off to a well-deserved rest.

Kagome, who was terribly moved by such the simple statement, for it solidified her choice to come back, couldn't keep the smile off her face as she whispered, “Thank you, Inu-Yasha.”

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Well, there you have it. Chapter 31, officially the longest chapter yet. I hope you enjoyed it. Please, leave a review and tell me what you think!