InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Hairball ❯ Hairball ( Chapter 1 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

A/N: If you have any illusions about me as a good writer, don't read this. If, however, you are strong enough to endure this warped product of my twisted imagination, go ahead. Do remember to laugh occasionally.

Note: In this I mention quite a few relatively minor characters. If you don't know who they are, I've listed them at the bottom for you. Enjoy!

WARNING: BAD!FIC ALERT




Hello, foolish mortals. Cower before my might and beg for my favour. I am the great and terrible lord of time and space, and the only one worthy of your worship. I am...

Buyo, the Wise.

"Ow, Buyo! Quit scratching!"

Pathetic hairless creature. Tremble before my wrath. Where is my food?

The girl was home today, as she had not been of late. She was much easier to coerce extra food out of. That made Buyo a very happy, very fat cat.

"It isn't dinnertime yet... but I supposed you can have it early today, just this once."

Well done, human! You have the gratitude of this Buyo. For this, I shall let you live a while longer and even give you my protection.

Kagome sighed and stretched luxuriously back from her homework. She was in college now, though only taking a few courses so that she could keep up while still searching in the Sengoku Jidai for the last shards and by extension Naraku. Gone was the gangly, obnoxious child of the beginning of the story-- she had been forged by the fires of her life into something stronger though not harder, more scarred but also more beautiful.

Buyo was very proud of her. He regarded her as his best work to date, as a matter of fact.

"Nee-chan!" Sota howled, tearing into the room in a panic. The boy was taller than her, now, but still childish in manner.

Kagome sighed. "What is it now, Souta?"

The boy's eyes were big as saucers and he was pale as a sheet. "Th-there's a spider! In the bath tub! It's a really, really big one!"

Buyo sneezed. Big, you say? And juicy? I shall vanquish it and have it for an appetizer. He meowed loudly and waddled out of the room.

"Do you want it, Buyo?" Kagome called. "Go ahead, I'm too busying to go spider-slaying right now. Honestly, Sota, you ought to be over this fear by now. You're taller than I am, for goodness' sakes!"

The boy shuffled his feet behind Buyo. "I know, but they're so..." He was out of earshot.

The bathroom door was open, conveniently, and Buyo trotted in. Something became clear to him very quickly. This was no ordinary spider.

Cho-chan? Is that you? he projected incredulously in the general direction of the tub.

I thought I told you not to call me that, a scratchy voice responded testily. My name is Choushiko, as you well know. It's not that difficult to pronounce. I am not a butterfly, so keep your pretty nicknames to yourself.

Buyo tensed. This is bad, she shouldn't be here. If she's here, then something's gone wrong over there.

Projecting again, he directed his thoughts at the miniature demon he could sense past the porcelain walls. Why are you here, Choushiko? What has happened?

Myouga asked me to come. He said to tell you that--

At that exact moment, Mrs. Higurashi with her perfect mother-like timing bustled into the bathroom with an arm full of brand new bathroom supplies. Humming happily to herself, she walked in, spotted the enormous arachnid scrabbling pathetically in her tub, shrieked, and dropped the enormous fresh jug of lavender bubble bath she'd just bought.

The sound it made connecting with Buyo's head was cringeworthy. Brilliant points of light swallowed his vision, and then the darkness swallowed them.

Buyo passed out in a puddle of fuzzy fat on the bathroom floor.

OooooooO

Kagome sat on her backpack viciously, and smiled when she felt everything in it settle another half inch. Now she could fit in her comfiest silk nightie... it was summer, and very very hot in the feudal era. Her flannel pajamas were more modest, but she'd been traveling with the others so long she no longer cared overmuch about how she looked. They'd already seen everything there was to see... why shouldn't she at least be comfortable?

"I'm off, Mom!" she cried as she headed out the door. There was no answer, but Kagome didn't think twice about it.

They would all be waiting for her on the other side. She'd been back home for nearly a week, and missed them all ferociously. Sango was waiting for Kagome to bring her a new bottle of conditioner for her hair, Shippo would be looking forward to some pocky and lollipops, and she had an entire case of miscellaneous ramen for Inuyasha. For Miroku, she had some dark chocolate, his new obsession, and for Kirara, a new toy.

Kagome was now quite wealthy, though no one but her knew about it. Last year she'd gotten a brainstorm of quite an impressive magnitude even for her. It was simple but brilliant.

Step #1) Find a place in her time that was untouched by development and fairly stable, like a cave or rocky landmark. Easy enough.

Step #2) Hop into the well, talk Kaede into parting with a few of her old bowls and mathoms and other such mundane artifacts.

Step #3) Locate the place she'd found in her time, wrap the artifacts so they wouldn't get too damaged, and bury them.

Step #4) Return to her time, dig the now very old artifacts up.

Step #5) Sell them to the university and various collectors for lots and lots of money.

Her friends were very happy with this arrangement, because money for her meant presents for them, so they'd begun giving up some of their own personal effects for her diabolical scheme. They would be eagerly awaiting the latest installment.

Movements smooth with years of habit, she swung the backpack over the edge of the well and let it pull her over with it. As she fell, she waited patiently for the blue light to start up and swallow her, welcoming her to the other time where half her heart belonged.

It didn't come.

The backpack broke her fall, but she still had a very painful landing on the bottom of the modern-day well.

What the heck? she thought, bewildered.

The panic did not set in until she got back into the house.

Oh my god! It's broken! What if I can't ever get back? What if Inuyasha can't come here? Oh my god! Oh my god!

Her mother was sitting at the table with a lump of fur on her lap, holding a cold compress to what might have been its head.

"What's wrong with Buyo?" she cried, sure now that she was dreaming all the horror up and that she would wake up suffocating to death under Buyo's fat midriff.

"I dropped the bubble bath stuff on him. He's out cold."

That's weird. Buyo's out, the well stops working? Wow, this is a crappy day.

"Aww, poor baby," she cooed, stroking the limp fur.

...What did you call me?

Absolute silence. Kagome could not move.

"Mom? Feel my forehead. Do I have a fever?" she asked shakily.

Mrs. Higurashi pressed a cool hand to her head. "No, darling, you feel fine. Why? Is something wrong?"

"I could have sworn Buyo just spoke in my head. Quick, have me committed before I start believing I'm a refridgerator!"

Her mother laughed.

"I'm serious, Mom! He sounded really ticked off that I'd called him a baby..."

"Mrrrow."

"Oh look, he's awake. How are you feeling, old boy?"

Watch who you're calling old, hag!

"He just called you a hag, Mom. Aaaggghhh! I am crazy!"

Crazy? You don't look crazy to me... in fact, if you can hear me, then you're actually much smarter now than before. It's an improvement. Now would you please tell your maternal parent to take that infernal thing off my head. It's cold.

"He says to take the compress off his head. He doesn't like it."

Mrs. Higurashi stared at Kagome. "Honey... come back and let me feel your forehead again."

"Meck! Mrrrowww, mrrrrhisss."

"He says I'm not crazy, it's just... just that you're deaf. Buyo!"

Shut up, mortal, and take me back to the bathroom. I was in the middle of something. She better not have squished Choushiko!

"Please tell that's not the spider's name."

Of course it is! Who did you think I was talking about?

"I don't know! But Choushiko? That's so... pretty!"

Mrs. Higurashi took one last look at her beloved daughter, pride of her life, holding an intense one-way conversation with the fat family cat and fainted unceremoniously.

Kagome took just enough time to ensure that she was comfortably situated on the floor before bolting for the bathroom with Buyo in tow.

"Eww," she said upon spotting the basketball-sized arachnid.

Well, I never! Have you no manners, child? How would you like it if I told you I thought you were disgusting too?

"That spider just spoke to me," she told her pink loufa matter-of-factly.

Of course she did. She loves to talk. Don't you, Cho?

Choushiko! Cretin!

"What the hell is going on here?" Kagome cried in frustration. "I totally don't get it!"

Buyo sat down and began washing himself regally. It's not like it's that complicated. I am a god. Of time. The well is an experiment of mine. It depends on me being conscious... so if you just tried to go through, that's why it didn't work. Choushiko is a fellow time god, but not as talented.

Kagome looked down at him for a long, somber moment.

Then burst out laughing hysterically. She doubled over, crossing her arms across her spasming middle as though she was afraid she'd rip in half. Tears of mirth started, then spilled over.

"Oh my god," she said. "You expect me to believe that? I'm sort of okay now with animals talking to me... but 'time god?' Give me a break."

Miffed, Buyo swatted her bare leg with his claws half-unsheathed.

"Ouch!"

Serves you right. I tell you my big secret, and you laugh. Disrespectful little whelp.

"Who're you calling little? You're like an eighth my size!"

What? ...Oh, you mean this form. Time gods kind of draw attention whenever they walk around in humanoid form, so we usually choose to be as inconspicuous as possible.

Kagome gulped, swallowing her laughter so he could ask some semi-coherent questions. "One: you have a human form? Two: what's it look like? And three: you call that--" she pointed at the ridiculously large spider "inconspicuous?"

Buyo had the grace to look embarassed. Well, some of us have personalities not well equipped to being truly inconspicuous. Choushiko is one such. I prefer to look like this because it fits my personality.

"Because you like being fed and cuddled, right? You're such a suck, you big baby.>

Harrumph. That's not quite right... I just enjoy being touched, and no one gets touched more than a cat. I'm fat because it makes more of me to touch.

"So what do you really look like, then?" she asked, bursting with curiosity.

Well, time gods don't really have true corporeal forms, we're more like extrusions of the force of the universe. But when I'm human, I look rather like this. The bathroom exploded into greenish mist which was not wet, and Kagome choked.

When it cleared, there was a man standing where the obese feline had been. He looked to be about twenty-eight, had reddish black hair, and pale creamy skin. He was very tall, and not in the least bit fat. Quite the opposite, actually.

Aside from all that, he was stunningly attractive. "Oh," Kagome said in a small voice. "Um, whoa?"

"What does that mean?" 'Buyo' asked snarkily. His voice sounded like Sesshoumaru's, but with Inuyasha's inflections.

"It means... oh, hell with it! Damn, you're fine!" The appreciative hormonal college girl in Kagome was out in full force. I had this sleeping on my face all my life? Oh, the missed opportunities! "Out of curiosity, how old are you?"

He looked at her, nonplussed. "Two words for you, puny mortal. 'Time.' 'God.'"

"So you're like... really old, right?"

"Kagome! I don't have an age. I am time."

"Whatever," she said airily, obviously not getting it, "you're still hot."

There was another explosion of mist, red this time, and then there was a woman standing in the bathtub. Kagome had to bite her tongue at the absurdity of the image. That woman did not belong in a bathtub.

She looked as though she'd stepped out of Dominatrix Monthly, or been dipped in a vat of S&M accessories. Everything was either black and leather or red and lace, and there were silver buttons and chains on everything. Her hair was short and bright red, and redefined 'spiky' with its mere existence. She was very pretty, but also very, very scary.

"Hands off my man, lackey," she snapped.

"Urk," Kagome squeaked. The bathroom suddenly seemed very crowded.

Buyo turned around and fixed the still distinctly spider-like woman with a patient glance. "For the last time, Cho-chan, I'm not your man. You know Naraku would be totally jealous if he heard you saying that."

That got Kagome's attention. "Hang on... Naraku?"

"Ugh. Self-centered pig," Choushiko growled. "But still... that thing he does with his tentacles..."

Kagome screeched and covered her ears. "Oh my god! Too much information!"

"And what about you?" Choushiko continued. "Does Kirara know about your little habit of sleeping on Kagome's face?"

"Kirara?"

Buyo suddenly looked extremely guilty. "Oi, don't tell her, all right? She's not very fun to be around when she's angry, you know, with the fire and all..."

"I'm dreaming. Or dead. Or crazy. Maybe all three...?"

She looked up to find the spider-woman regarding her thoughtfully. That look made her very, very uncomfortable.

"Er, what? Do I have food on my face or something?"

Instead of answering her, Choushiko turned to Buyo and pulled his ear down to her level to whisper something. Buyo listened carefully. First he looked disgusted, then thoughtful, then a slow smile spread.

"Hmm. Interesting idea."

"What? What's interesting?" Kagome howled.

"Choushiko thinks we should have a threesome on the sly, hush hush, you know. So that Naraku and Kirara don't feel left out."

Kagome fainted.

Buyo and Choushiko looked at each other.

"So what were you doing here again?" Buyo asked.

"Oh, Myoga asked me to come invite you to the wedding of a friend of his."

"Whose?"

"Jinenji."

"Oooh, he finally found a girl, did he? Who is it?"

"Shiori."

"The bat girl? Isn't she a little... young?"

"Age makes no difference to true love!" Choushiko's eyes filled with stars. "They're such a sweet couple... two hanyous, star-crossed lovers... Myoga was thrilled. He and Jinenji are fast friends now."

"Didn't you promise Myoga a date?" Buyo casually remarked, reminded.

"I was considering it... he has like, six arms. That could be very interesting. And what about you? I thought you had plans with Hiyashimaru?"

"Ugh, he's so clingy. I think that one's pretty much over."

"What about Jaken? He's always liked you!"

"He's an amphibian! Yuck!"

"Racist pig."

"Hey, I like you!"

"That proves nothing. So... Hachiemon, then."

"We broke up a while ago. You're so out of touch! Where have you been, spinning webs on Sakhalin Island?"

"What about... Kouryu!"

"That little lizard? Not worth my time. Besides, he likes you."

"Argh! Fine then! What about..."

Kagome woke up, listened, and promptly fainted all over again. Her last thought was,

Buyo and....? Gross...

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

A/N: I have nothing to say for myself. I absolutely plead guilty to writing bad!fic. It's just too much fun not to. Anyways, about those names....


Jinenji: half horse demon man, very strong but very gentle. (anime for sure, manga... dunno)

Shiori: half bat demon girl, very sweet and powerful when it comes to barriers and the creation thereof. (anime and manga)

Hiyashimaru: Nobunaga's white monkey from the very first few chapters/episodes.

Hachiemon: that badger-like thing that appears sometimes to help Miroku out. Sometimes, is also a yellow floating sausage balloon with eyes.

Kouryu: Souten's little dragon friend. Anime only. Sorta really reminds me of that little dragon thing from Mulan.