InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Halves ❯ Ballad ( Chapter 15 )

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It gets worse.

 

It always, always does.

 

The first week was mellow, I started my training, everything went fine. I found rice, it was my most important achievement. At one point I wanted to blame the Kami for being stranded, I needed someone to throw the blame on. Now I don't want to think anyone is guilty, I'm not guilty either. I could have done things differently, I could have died at birth, things could have happened, yet this is the path I took.

 

Some time ago, many, one too many months ago, possibly three, I found out I was pregnant. At the beginning I did not want to believe it, the prospect lingered in the back of my mind, yet I dared not speak it out loud. I feared that if I even thought about it, it would be true. Now it is.

 

Now… now I wish I could do my best for this child. My child. I already feel like a mother, I don't want to lose this, I won't let go of this feeling.

 

I've been having unbearably intense breast pains. In the middle of the night when the wind whispered its most sweet tune, I ached all over, the side of my breast stung with each move I made. I felt it, felt it, I didn't want to believe what I was touching.

 

My mother heals people. I've been raised with stories of illnesses and odd cases, so I'm not ignorant. I am not ignorant.

 

I have a lump and I know what it means. I might not know the name of my condition, but the pain is agonizing enough for me to realize I'm dying.

 

I want to stare at the horizon for hours, but that won't help me.

 

My child is not yet born and I am dying.

 

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I am alone, but I remember. I remember it hasn't always been like this. I remember friends, I remember a family, I clearly remember my first and only time being intimate with a man. I remember knowing for sure when I was pregnant, it's not something I'll forget soon.

 

I want to live for that, I want to find hope, I won't die. Not me, no. I'll live for my child.

 

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My first tears fell today. Clutching my stomach, holding my left breast, it hurts, and I cried. I asked myself questions, I blamed myself for everything once again. I was back to where it began. Couldn't hear the undertones of the river, I begged for the mountain to raise its voice.

 

In these times I want distractions, I want life to swallow up all my worries, to protect me in a blanket of warmth, I don't want to die. I don't think I can die.

 

Why me? Why did this choose me?

 

There are questions, but questions don't always have questions. These questions don't hold answers, and I'm starting to believe nothing makes sense anymore.

 

How I can never, never defeat Naraku, how he laughs in my face every time, how I couldn't have my Half - ironic, isn't it? It might as well be my fault in this, I've never believed my grandfather when he told me I'd have a Half. In a way, my wish that his words were false has become true. I haven't had a Half, not really.

 

Inuyasha…

 

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It's for my baby. Everything is for the child that grows inside me every day, every day. I can't say I'm happy, but it pushes me towards a newfound light, I think I can see salvation. I don't want to admit I'm defeated, I don't want to lose the baby's life.

 

Little baby, if I'm not here, how will you survive? If I live to give birth to you, who will take care to you afterwards?

 

Images of a hungry little, innocent, dead body with golden eyes and soft, smooth silver hair fill my mind, I want to prevent it. My flesh wants to bleed for this unborn child, my heart is ready to break countless times before allowing itself to stop. I'm ready to cross thousands of fires, walk through terrifying nightmares, face my worst, most dreadful horrors in order to save the life of my child.

 

Innocence is never lost. You just forget where you've left it…

 

I don't know how to save this life, is that fair?

 

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I pray, I wish for my health to improve so I can sustain my child's health, I don't want to be giving up already. But it's been hurting so badly lately, I can't not think that I might not live to see my goal reached. I might not live to kill Naraku, I might not live to see my baby cry for the first time.

 

My face is ashen, I'm sure, and my hands tremble once more as I push away the tears forcefully, because I promised I wouldn't cry. I might not live to give birth to my child.

 

The life of a mother revolves around another, more important one. The beloved, precious life of her tiny bundle of joy. Sometimes tears clog my vision and I can't see the leaves and the grass anymore, everything is dark and dull, but then I remember my promise and sniffle as discreetly as I can. I can be strong if I want to.

 

I can live, I can protect, I can defeat if I want to. I want to, Kami, how I want to…

 

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Inuyasha, this is not for you.

 

We've had our opportunity, we've missed it, can anything pass in front of one's eyes so quickly? I didn't notice it, I wanted to ignore it, and don't blame yourself for it. Don't blame Kikyou for it.

 

There's no truth in words, unless they blister.

 

I wanted things to be different, I never intended to say yes that time, I never intended to betray your wife's trust. I didn't want you to betray her trust, either.

 

Things happen for a reason, I like to believe.

 

The pain that makes my knees collide with the ground once in a while, it's just something physical. I don't want to die by some illness, I want to defeat evil first. I want Naraku down first. Should I go after him now? Should I take advantage of how little time I have left? I'm not stupid, I know I only have little left, but I still hope, I still pray. I still don't believe.

 

Maybe… maybe if I hate this enough, perhaps if I ignore this enough it would go away.

 

Inuyasha, you were never in love with me. I don't think so, or perhaps I merely hope you weren't. Do you think I'm dead now? Are you living happily with Kikyou? … Having… children with Kikyou?

 

Kami, it hurts to think about.

 

I don't know if you told her what we did, what important rules we broke, I hope you confessed our sins for me, I want to think you did. I like to think you didn't keep that time secret, I like to think you don't regret it as much and heatedly as I do.

 

You don't know what it feels like. I want to have your child, yet I don't. I want to stay alive, I really do, but my will is fading every single day, even if I'm trying to keep it flickering. I give it human days, I keep it burning for fear of losing everything I've managed to fix. Our child is growing day by day, I wish I could belong to his future. I think he's a boy, I dreamed he was a boy.

 

The bells chime and wind blows. Wind blows, always…

 

Inuyasha, do you know how I want to name him?

 

I won't tell you, because if I will it would be as if I am expecting you to name him. As if I can't do it for myself, and I like to deceive myself that I will be able to do that. One day, I will have a son with golden eyes, soft, shiny silver hair and adorable ears just as yours. He will be strong just as you are and brave just as I am. I can't be anything else but brave, though I am not fearless.

 

I fear a lot of things, Inuyasha, but I'm trying my best.

 

That's why…

 

When a leaf dies, the tree never weeps.

 

I won't tell you I love you.

 

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You can't be so cruel, Kami-sama, can you? I can't die now, I won't let you take me.

 

This is the end…

 

I've tried to hang on to their memories, to their scents, to the feeling of their embrace. Okaa-san, Souta, Ojii-san, Sango-san, Miroku… I was stronger when I thought of their smiles, of their words, of their love. How can I save myself? I wish I could compromise my soul, I wish I could exchange something for this life, for this shallow life that could mean so, so much more.

 

The story ends…

 

I've thought about things. I questioned the strings that pull me to my death, why don't they tear?

 

I have their images in my mind, my loved ones, they're always so close, so close. Sometimes I feel Inuyasha wasn't ever a separated entity, but how foolish am I? In the end, I know it. It whispers to the back of my mind, I don't want to allow it to enter, to penetrate my self-defense, to strip me of my spirit, yet when does it ever care?

 

In the end, we die alone.

 

There's no one to trust.

 

In the end, nothing ever matters.

 

You can say the truth, the flowers don't care. The flowers don't hear.

 

I'm alone.

 

Whispering…

 

I'm dying.

 

The wind, and the trees, and the forest itself, they're-

 

I don't want to die.

 

… whispering.

 

Every day my prayers change. They're no longer, “Please allow me to live, please abolish this illness.” Now they're, “Please let me live to give life my son. Let me take him safe.”

 

My story will reach the stars and fall on the moon, it will always stay there for you to watch it at night, once a month…

 

I can't ignore the pain, it's excruciating, yet I've put up with it for two months, I wish I were able to draw it out. But I can feel it. The impending end.

 

It seems I was never strong enough, was I? It seems nothing ever makes any difference.

 

Listen to me sing. It's always, and always, and always…

 

I think I've been in darkness before, this fog that clouds my vision is oddly familiar, is that why we prefer light? Is that why we prefer friends and company? Because we've seen void? Because we've felt cold? Because we've been here before?

 

… and forever…

 

But this time… it's… different.

 

… until the end.

 

Inuyasha…